RE: lying and discrepancies

[Guest guest]

Usarian and all,

Some very good and sensible/compassionate responses

here. But I would add another take to the discussion.

Many years ago, in fact when I was quite young, I had to face

the fact that people did not appear to be so ‘honorable’ and

reliable as were my parents.

Again and again I was terribly disappointed with the associates

and friends about me; and I just hated the vulnerability and uncertainty that

was my lot.

One huge influence on me in my teens, that assisted in dealing

with my ups and downs about people, was Dale Carnegie’s book How to Stop

Worrying and Start Living. It might have been criticized and torn

apart over the intervening years by generations of sophisticates; but it really

did offer ways for me to protect myself from being constantly shattered by

things.

Some of my personal Aspie fragility was helped by adopting

systems and habitual methods of handling the slings and arrows of outrageous

fortune. One outcome I developed was a way of approaching life with

an anticipation of disappointments and let-downs. I simply learned

to ‘write it into my script’ that things wont necessarily go according

to my well-ordered and demanding plan. There will of

necessity be variations in the ways things will work out. I

allow with money and cost issues that there are much more important things in

life than precise definitions. This life just does not

work out according to my demands; and I write it into my script that nothing

outside my own head will ever conform to what I expect or hope for.

I make a point, when dealing with others, whether intimates or

friends, of never demanding precision from them. If they

actually get round to doing a desired thing for me, or a favour, then that is

the major and essential thing to be grateful for. When

they report to me on their successful completion of such a task, my first

thought is always appreciation and gratitude for their cooperation and indeed

their kindness. I will rarely need to know exactly what any particular

thing cost, and will never literally bail a person up for their accounting and

justification. Perhaps if budget is short, then rather than

interrogate on the exact price of a single item, and simple expect that it will

conform to what my own estimate is dictating, I’d prefer to allow a total

budget for a shopping outing, and indicate that the total expenditure is the

crucial thing rather than some individual charge. I guess in that

case, specify a fairly close but rough estimate of the total shopping charge to

be incurred on the outing, and look at the conformity to that total .

As well, the partner may be keeping quiet about something else that they

were wanting for themselves that they have, without drawing attention to it,

refrained from purchasing, just to assist in balancing the particular budget of

the occasion.

Also, let me suggest that each and every one of us in this life

has his own demands and expectations from others. And most of us

have just been forced by circumstances and realistic experience to grit our

teeth and to grin and bear it when others don’t conform. Sometimes

they don’t conform because they don’t agree on principle with our

demands. Sometimes because they cant see it from the same point of view

and to us they are perhaps careless. Sometimes because they have felt

that they had to make last minute decisions to do it differently, or even that

they acted on sheer human impulse. It is a good habit

to get into, to allow for these variations between demand and expectation on

one hand, and fulfillment on the other. Keep in mind the fact that

that individual who you feel has ‘let you down’ on the particular

occasion and has failed to abide by your ‘need’, - will also have

their own strong likes and demands that may not conform to your personal

standards. Perhaps they have learned over the years to

shut up about it, and to swallow their irritation and distress on your failure

to meet their hopes. You and I are not the only ones to have

demands and expectations, you know. Maybe for this other party, it

has proven more profitable and practicable to keep quiet about their demands;

and their example may appear on thought to be a good act to follow.

The last thing I would say is really just this. How

genuinely important in the universal scheme of things, is this failure –

this discrepancy – this apparent slap in the

face? We Aspies can be incredibly picky in our lives,

and we’ve all had to learn to rethink things and to handle problems with

greater flair and serenity.

It is one of the many things that we learn to achieve as we grow

up. The child takes so many things dreadfully seriously, that it

has to handle with understanding when reaching

adulthood. The young adolescent goes through all sorts

of chaotic ups and downs in their love life, that years later they can look

back on with tolerance and amusement. Life is too short and

treasurable to be spent meticulously measuring up every single little thing,

and allowing them to upset our day. And in the process,

to define or accuse a partner of lying is rather on the heavy

side. Save up that sort of accusation or judgement for

the really serious issues and crises, - making sure that in the meantime, the

partner always has the greatest confidence in your good will and respect, and

will feel safe with you and with your reactions.

Cheers, Ron.

..