what is your special interest?

[Guest guest]

Hi folks,

I’m like to know about your special

interests.

My husband doesn’t really seem to have

one (other than being really neat, and making lists of chores, then getting

them all done – YAY!!) and yet I know that he is a full-on Aspie.

He likes fishing, but no more obsessively than any other recreational

fisherman. On the other hand, my son’s special interest is obvious

to all: reading. Absolutely anything and everything. We have to

hide the newspaper because of the gross stories. He reads the junk mail and

lets me know what’s on special at the local supermarket. There have

got to be many more problematic special interests than that. But I am

interested in learning about your interests J

Thanks,

Miss G.

[Guest guest]

Hello Miss G,

This is a intersecting topic..I have been asked over and over what my special interest (s) may be and it has taken me so long to"see" the obvious interest(s)that were right in front of me!!! I was able to share about it quite recently with my therapist and it was such a laugh out loud thought! You mentioned you son and reading ,well that has and is my very favorite.. Books and Words!!!! I remember trying so hard to de-code the markings on paper and in books( alphabet) but until I learned my own system and put it together I was totally obsessed(ages 4-9 yrs) ! Reading and books!!!! I read everything!! It is difficult to drive in my car with so many things on vehicles and signs that I have to prepare myself to stay focused on the "plan" of going from point A to point B with out reading every word I see! I remember everything. That is another issue altogether.. I could continue to write but will be careful not to ramble about my special interest(s). You are very wise in keeping as much of the "bad" news and information from your sons reading eyes.I hope to hear from others about their special interests!

Thank-You,

Marj ( 43 year old female DX with AS)

what is your special interest?

Hi folks,

I’m like to know about your special interests.

My husband doesn’t really seem to have one (other than being really neat, and making lists of chores, then getting them all done – YAY!!) and yet I know that he is a full-on Aspie. He likes fishing, but no more obsessively than any other recreational fisherman. On the other hand, my son’s special interest is obvious to all: reading. Absolutely anything and everything. We have to hide the newspaper because of the gross stories. He reads the junk mail and lets me know what’s on special at the local supermarket. There have got to be many more problematic special interests than that. But I am interested in learning about your interests J

Thanks,

Miss G.

[Guest guest]

I have lots of interests- other than mathematics- yes, really....

As a child, I would talk to anyone about it, for hours, if he or she would let me...

As a college student, I turned my first and last name into a path integral with respect to ia...

As a child of six, I learned my times tables, like a kid of six might do, only I went to 20 times 20....

As a teacher, I have set the digits of p i to a rap , and when my students convince me to do it, I will rap out 55 of them to a good beat! Who says mathemattics and music do not go together?

Then, there's all the research I have published, and the many more papers in preparation...

Did I say I have other interests? I do--- really!

(By the way, my social security number is a prime! For real! About one in every 21 of them is. Anyone from the states care to see if yours is prime?)

The first time my love of mathematics had any seriuous competition (other than from a guy I liked, or the Lord!) was when I was reading endtime Biblical prophecy, and got interested in the Hebrew language. Talk about words and reading- and speaking- and listening to hebrew tapes and (back then) records, and trying to get the words off of them, and...

For those of you readers who are NT, it felt as if I were cheating on my first love! I could hardly stay away from Hebrew, amymore than I could stay away from mathematics! (A colleague gave me a text on "Mistanim M'rucabim"- a Hebrew text on complex variable theory- and I was able to feel completely at ease and delighted while reading it...) Who says ASpies can never feel two things at the same time- or have a deep love for more than one thing at once? I was 26 when I began learning Hebrew, and was fluent by the time I was 28 (now I am rusty, but I am sure it will come back if I try...)

Other perseverations I have had would include leraning about my atypical hardware (this had been an interest of mine in different forms for some time), sharing parts of it with others who share the wiring I have- at least a little bit (few share it all, I am sure), my children (all three of them!), and lately- learning to understand and interact deeply with these highly intelligent and interesting people that some people class as "typical". My world is filled with native speakers of NT-ese. I am getting better at speaking to them, and not being afraid to try. I canp;t take my eyes off a chance to improve my ability to reach out to the typical people in my life, including my children and most of my siblings and my stepmother. My father had a few traits, but was clearly NT as well. (For the newer people, he passed away last April.) I loved trying to connect with him, as well. till I knew about AS as it applied to

me, I had no idea about this- and now, I feel as drawn in as any perseveration I have ever had.

I like other things and do other things- true hhobbies- there are many I could list. there is a difference. I also like people, and they- I learned a long time ago- are not things, and one cannot compare people to things at all. Loving a thing is unrealted to loving a person. I read about people who can ignore the other peopel in their lives for a thing they love. I could not really do that. I have had friends who have apparently done just that.

Subject: what is your special interest?To: aspires-relationships Date: Tuesday, August 19, 2008, 6:41 AM

Hi folks,

I’m like to know about your special interests.

My husband doesn’t really seem to have one (other than being really neat, and making lists of chores, then getting them all done – YAY!!) and yet I know that he is a full-on Aspie. He likes fishing, but no more obsessively than any other recreational fisherman. On the other hand, my son’s special interest is obvious to all: reading. Absolutely anything and everything. We have to hide the newspaper because of the gross stories. He reads the junk mail and lets me know what’s on special at the local supermarket. There have got to be many more problematic special interests than that. But I am interested in learning about your interests J

Thanks,

Miss G.

[Guest guest]

For me (NT), my interests are family (immediate and extended),

horticulture, scrapbooking and oil painting, as well as sketching.

My focus on the later involves mostly botanicals and birds. I also

love cooking for my family and small dinner parties. I've had to

give up the later because of my AS husband. I would like to do or

try many other things, but my physical and monetary limits prevent

it. I love to travel, esp to see nature and historical places.

There are so many exciting things in this world and I would love to

experience as much as I can. I try to bury myself in these things I

love, so I do not focus on the terrible injustices going on in the

world, such as this unjust war, criminal actions of our corporations

in this country and around the world, and individual acts of pure

evil committed against children in particular.

My AS husband has a science-based realm of interest. He has a mini

lab at home, including multiple professional grade microscopes that

do different things---all mounted with cameras. He has a collection

of slides of bacteria, protozoa and algae. He will do things that

require patience, such as study the fungal process that is rotting a

tree trunk---complete with time photos of the process that takes

years. He collects animals and fish. He has kept logs of the fish's

rates of breathing so he can detect early on when something is going

wrong. I have put my foot down about not acquiring any more

animals. I suspect he is grateful because it was starting to

control his life and time. And yet he couldn't stop on his own. He

READS, READS, READS --- every day. He also collects algae, ferns,

liverworts and their family, geraniums and spider plants. He

records off of the various public radio stations every day and

listens to these recordings later. He exercises exactly 45 minutes

every day and no more and no less. Everything that he does daily,

he HAS to do or he becomes very distraught. He works in a hospital

lab as a generalist, but microbiology is his specialty. A

generalist can do all the lab work in a hospital lab. Most people in

the lab can only do their specified area. While he is in the lab

with other people, he works alone and that's the way he wants it.

He is someone who would have loved being stationed in the Arctic

circle for years, studying some type of lichen for instance --- with

no other people around. He has lived a solitary life for the most

part. He was lonely for much of it and reached out to me. I seem

to be all he needs. I, on the other hand, need more intimacies with

other people. I feel like I am living a solitary life now because he

is emersed in his world. There is little communication between us

and he likes me being there. Verleen

>

> Hi folks,

>

> I'm like to know about your special interests.

>

>

>

> My husband doesn't really seem to have one (other than being really

neat,

> and making lists of chores, then getting them all done - YAY!!) and

yet I

> know that he is a full-on Aspie. He likes fishing, but no more

obsessively

> than any other recreational fisherman. On the other hand, my son's

special

> interest is obvious to all: reading. Absolutely anything and

everything.

> We have to hide the newspaper because of the gross stories. He

reads the

> junk mail and lets me know what's on special at the local

supermarket.

> There have got to be many more problematic special interests than

that. But

> I am interested in learning about your interests :-)

>

>

>

> Thanks,

>

> Miss G.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi and . Yes, its not that simple with . He

has done presentations for children. He does not enjoy these and

views them as a task he should do. Not one that he wants to do.

Because of his background, he does get asked to do some presentations

every year. He is the insect expert for the ative Extension

office for the two counties here.

gets extremely anxious if people are in his home or on his

property. Its not a matter of his hiding out in the basement, which

BTW, is his domain. He will still be anxious because they are in

his home. He loves picnics, provided that its only he and I, or my

daughter. He would not go if it involved other people. He does

not invite any of his family over. Early in our marriage, I made the

mistake of inviting his sister and brother-in-law over. Never

again. So I've never met most of his family, although they live

nearby. They don't come here and he doesn't visit them. All of my

family live out of state. I've stopped, for the most part, inviting

my friends over to avoid having everyone feel uncomfortable.

Actually, my husband would be helpful in helping me prepare for an

outing, and cleaning up afterwards. What he wants to avoid is being

with other people. I have started within this past year of setting

some rules. I have a right to have friends and family visit my

home. I live here too. And I let him know that he has to behave---

no screaming, slamming doors and throwing things because people are

here. It seems to be working somewhat, as long as I only do it,

maybe 4 times a year.

We just returned from a 4 day cactus and succulent conference. He

had a melt-down on the first day there. Why? Because I was

talking to other people. He hides in the corner and then gets

furious if I am not giving him my entire attention. This was my

conference---for my hobby. He came to help me drive and unload the

car, etc. He insisted on coming. I use a power wheelchair and I am

grateful for his help. I think next time I may go without him, but

he will resent it this way too. I included him in meals with other

people. He never says a word to anyone and demonstrates to them that

he doesn't want to talk to them, such as not responding when they ask

him a question. He did go to some lectures with me and enjoyed

these because I wasn't talking with other people. He is happy that

I sit with him without any conversation between us. I live a lonely

life with this silent man who retreats into his own world. It was a

stressful time for me at the conference, trying to do what I wanted

to do, visit with friends I don't see often, while trying to tend to

him. After the melt down, I had friends cluster around me for

awhile who were really trying to be helpful. They were encouraging

me to leave him (divorce), for example. Because of his screaming

during the publicly displayed melt-down, I'm sure they thought he

might be a violent person, which he isn't. I had to go through the

list of positive things about . They dropped it, but I'm not

sure they were convinced.

, his non-socialness is one of the biggest hurdles for us.

It is very unhealthy for me if I am forced to live a solitary life

for his sake. Its a tough to balance both our needs. And yes, you

seem to be a very social person to me. I'm sure we would like each

other. Verleen

>

> ,

>  

> As for your question, I did not clarify:  I assumed that Verleen's

husband would be at work, or otherwise " busy " , and would only get

involved at a later stage, either with children one-on-one, or with

the things they brought but never interact with the people, directly,

at all!  My idea of the park was that Verleen could pack a few dishes

in the car, and a few accessories, but that the picnic tables would

be there already, so at least, heavy lifting would be kept to a

minimum- or get take out (I think overseas it is " take away " ?), if

you do not feel like cooking.  I have the feeling Verleen likes to

cook, though.  If her husband is in the basement, it would not bother

him very much at all, since there would not actually be any people in

the house, other than his family.  (I hope?)

>  

>

>  

>

>

>

>

>

> In a message dated 8/20/2008 3:09:19 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

creativelywired@ yahoo.com writes:

>

> The other ideas I have are things like organizing a picnic in a

park for you and any number of friends, arranging to secure an area

outdoors for a while, and at some point, lead a nature hike into the

woods to talk horticulture with anyone there who likes, and have the

children bring back " interesting " things that they find (one per

child)?  Maybe, your husband could suggest a way to get involved, and

personalize what the children find by use of his lab skills!  They

would love it, and he would be involved-and it would be OK if he is

not actually there at the gathering, because he is involved at a

later point, in that same event.  Maybe, you and a few friends could

stay late and pliant the scenery, or take photos for later

inspiration.. ..

>  

> Just me, being creative.

>  

>   AS, but not an introvert, and plenty spontaneous

> WOW, ! You're highly motivated here with suggestions. It

does leave me with a few questions of my own here. If Verleen's

husband has problems with even small gatherings is it really

that " Simple? " Just moving things out of doors? I mean I know I'm

over simplifying here a bit since you offer such a wide range of

events.

>  

> That was my question. My concerns are as follows. Wouldn't all the

activity potentially over stimulate her husband? What if he has a

complete meltdown on site? How do you prepare others for such a

possibility?

>  

> I am in no way trying to through a wet blanket on the picnic

proceedings, just wondering about realistic goals for this particular

male Aspie. As I have been reading these e-mails as relates to

male/female Aspies the females " Seem " to be more socially oriented

over all, or have I misread something?

>  

>

>

>

>

>

>

> It's only a deal if it's where you want to go. Find your travel

deal here.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi . Are you doing my bio....lol? First, is a wonderful man and spouse in many ways. Having said that, let me answer your questions.

>> Verleen,> Thank you for sharing more of your story with us. It can't have been easy. > Though I'm sure it's harder living it. I will address the issues you raise in > your letter. However, I do have a few remaining questions. Please forgive my > asking if you've already answered these questions in a previous letter I may have > missed. > > 1- How long were you together before getting married?

We were together nearly a year before we married. I wasn't anxious to remarry, but he was. And I wanted to please him.> > 2-When did you first become aware/find out that was AS?

I've known that was different; that he was nonsocial; was a loner; had problems at work; had absolutely no friends his entire life; and had difficulty communicating even with me. It wasn't until a year ago that I discovered aspergers. I was visiting a dear friend for awhile who cares for her autistic brothers (adults in their 60s). I became aware of some similar characteristics between her one brother and . I would have forgotten this, except that I read an article on aspergers the day after I returned home from the visit. I then researched it more on the internet and bought a book. All this explained why is who he is. He has many of the characteristics of aspergers---communication difficulties, OCD, highly intelligent, works in a field where he can work alone, clumsy walking and running, and on and on. I should also tell you that I have rescued all sorts of animals during my lifetime. I have a need to be a care taker I think.> > 3-How long have you been married?

14 years> > These questions will help me get a clearer picture of your relationship. Not > that you haven't presented a clear one here. I'm a writer and tend to find > back story helpful. > > gets extremely anxious if people are in his home or on his property. > Its not a matter of his hiding out in the basement, which BTW, is his domain. > He will still be anxious because they are in his home. > Is he thinking they'll break or take something? Or is it the inevitability of > conversation that makes him so on edge?

He is anxious because he needs his space to be free of invasion. He can converse with people, but avoids it. He is highly protective of his space which is his home, property, car or anywhere he is at. He has developed a private area in the basement so he has space away from me. And yet, he wants me to be there when he is ready.> > He loves picnics, provided that its only he and I, or my > daughter. He would not go if it involved other people. > He works, outside the home, yes? I'm not saying it's the same thing I'm just > wondering how he copes with "normal" interactions over say a lunch hour?

He works in a hospital lab on second shift so he can avoid the most people. He eats alone at work. If a co-worker says hi to him, he will repond in kind but no more. Everyone knows he wants to be left alone. When I first met him, he was having problems at work with his supervisor. He ended up losing his job. He would have melt-downs at work. I spent some time working with him on how to cope with different situations at work. This has helped him and melt-downs are infrequent, I believe, and he remained with his job.> > > He does not invite any of his family over. Early in our marriage, I made the > mistake of inviting his sister and brother-in-law over. Never again. So I've > never met most of his family, although they live nearby. > What about at your wedding? Were both families there? Was either family > there?

He invited his father, sister and her husband and no one else. Nearly the entire attendees were my family and friends. His father has since passed away. I did visit his father when he was alive. His father would ask to bring me over---he either liked me or the food I brought.....lol. This was very unusual, since his father would not even allow his daughter to bring her husband of 35 years into his home. I believe his father had aspergers too. My family, from out of state, would visit in the early years of our marriage. They were uncomfortable and stopped coming, except my one brother, who now stays at a hotel when he visits.> > They don't come here and he doesn't visit them. All of my family live out of > state. > So, your daughter has never met her grand parents? What about the holidays?

My adult daughters are from my first marriage. Rich and I married later in life. She and get along very well. She only met 's father one time----at the wedding. He didn't want his father to come here. We always went to visit him at his father's home. There are no holidays any more. hates them. He hates the decorations, the music, everything. Holidays were a wonderful part of my prior life. I love holidays and really miss them. For Christmas I go to my youngest daughter's for the holidays. Rich stays home. Since we've been married, he has volunteered to work every holiday.> > I've stopped, for the most part, inviting my friends over to avoid having > everyone feel uncomfortable. > This behavior actually sounds like my ex who wasn't spectrum in the least. > Just plain controlling and possessive. has been great about our having > friends here. We haven't been able to do it much, but that hasn't been about him > it's been about them and health issues with themselves or family members in > the past year of so. However, he's encouraged it and looks forward to our > meeting friends and family closer to where they are, we do this simply because it's > been easier for them.

How wonderful for you ! I am envious. isn't really a controlling man in the prevalent sense. He does control, but its really done to protect his comfort zone, rather than to control me.> > > Actually, my husband would be helpful in helping me prepare for an outing, > and cleaning up afterwards. What he wants to avoid is being with other people. I > have started within this past year of setting some rules. I have a right to > have friends and family visit my home. I live here too. And I let him know that > he has to behave -- no screaming, slamming doors and throwing things because > people are here. It seems to be working somewhat, as long as I only do it, > maybe 4 times a year.> > There have been times when has had a melt down and he's feeling so > unsafe that he gets loud, and or aggressive. However, it's most often when we're > alone. He knows how to contain it enough for shorter periods if we're with > other people. Actually, most often he'll isolate. He'll go into the bedroom and > turn on sports radio. Or he'll sit at the computer and go to certain site.

will go on walks to calm down. That's what he did at the conference this past weekend after his meltdown. He came back and told me that he's got it all straightened out and I was to have a good time, and that he will take care of himself. However, I was on edge the whole time, waiting for another episode.> > (The computer like the TV is in the "Common" room) So, we can actually sit in > our own little sections and not interact. Or sometimes if it's not too bad > he'll sit with his arm bent meaning, "It's OK to come over and loop you arm in > mine, or come take my hand."> > On those occasions when it's very bad he will remove himself from the house > entirely and go for a walk. I've had to learn to deal with my feelings of > abandonment when this happens. It like the walks themselves are a "work in > progress." > > > We just returned from a 4 day cactus and succulent conference. He had a > meltdown on the first day there. Why? Because I was talking to other people. He > hides in the corner and then gets furious if I am not giving him my entire > attention. This was my conference--for my hobby. He came to help me drive and unload > the car, etc. He insisted on coming.> will often have a melt down on the first day of a trip, once we arrive. > I have had to learn to deal with this. Again, it usually happens once we get > into our room. Which can mean we're not going anywhere for a few hours? Not > leaving the room, or that once we get to a destination for dinner after we've > arrived he'll sit in silence sometimes until the food comes and sometimes for > the whole meal. There was at least one occasion where I had more attention from > the waiter/waitress than from him for the whole meal. Often we go for a walk > together after that and that's when he'll start talking. He'll try to explain > what that was all about, what was going on for him.

, I can fully appreciate what you go through. You are one step ahead of me. Your tries to explain what was going on from his perspective. seems unable to do that. He will apologize, but can't express why it happened, other than tell me that when I talk to other people, I ignore him. He objected when I said hello to people on the tour buses. By saying 'hello', I was ignoring him.> > I use a power wheelchair and I am grateful for his help. I think next time I > may go without him, but he will resent it this way too. I included him in > meals with other people. He never says a word to anyone and demonstrates to them > that he doesn't want to talk to them, such as not responding when they ask him > a question. > Here I find we may have something outside of our husband's in common. > I too use a wheelchair. I am a paraplegic and use my chair every day. Neither > nor I drive so when we travel it's most often public transportation. > Since I have a wheelchair with footrests in an upright position, we generally > hook bags through my locked seat belt and may also have on one over his > shoulder or over his back. There have also been times when I've got a bag over > he handle bars in the back. > (Did I emanation that we enjoy our adventures in travel?) LOL

Yes, we do have something in common. I am not paraplegic yet and hopefully the wheelchair will postpone that day. I too look like a bag lady on wheels. The power wheelchair really gives me so much freedom. My arms are as bad as my legs, so the power wheelchair is a blessing. I've had my adventures too, such as when the power lift didn't work and I couldn't reload my wheelchair into the van.> > He did go to some lectures with me and enjoyed these because I wasn't talking > with other people. He is happy that I sit with him without any conversation > between us.> In situations like this can you allow yourself to enjoy sharing a (Passive) > activity together? For some couples including some on this list, including mine > one partner can manage to enjoy the company, or comfort of having the other > person beside them.

Yes, I enjoy the lectures or other passive activities with too, more so than being alone. He also gets lonely if I am gone for more than a day. However, for me, this is not enough --- 365 days a year. It is enough for him.> > I live a lonely life with this silent man who retreats into his own world. It > was a stressful time for me at the conference, trying to do what I wanted to > do, visit with friends I don't see often, while trying to tend to him. After > the melt down, I had friends cluster around me for a while who were really > trying to be helpful. They were encouraging me to leave him (divorce), for > example. Because of his screaming during the publicly displayed meltdown, I'm sure > they thought he might be a violent person, which he isn't. I had to go through > the list of positive things about . They dropped it, but I'm not sure > they were convinced.> This is one of the most challenging aspects of being in our relationships. > Friends and family by in large don't "get it." They don't/can't fully understand > or appreciate the situations we finds ourselves in that look one way and > "Are" another. > > No one not even another woman with an Aspie husband can or should tell you > how to live within your marriage. We are hear to support and share. We have a > unique bond, that for the most part no one here asked for. Not our Aspie > husbands, and not us. We fell in love. In some cases, like mine we knew about a > diagnoses before diving into the matrimonial pool, and other's didn't. We grow in > the marriage we're in. We grow together. sometimes we grow apart. We learn, > what we're looking at. How it feels, and to determine for ourselves if this is > worth staying with, or so unsafe or so daring that for our own lives and sanity > we must leave. > > I'm in it for the long haul, and make no mistake some days it's a very looong > haul!> > I wish you continued strength and understanding. I'm here. we're here. Keep > writing.> >

Yes, , so true. I love and there are days that I could strangle him. I'm sure there are days he'd like to strangle me. My life is better because he is in it. That's my mantra, esp when I'm having a bad time with him. I know it will pass and he'll try to make amends. I come and go here, depending on what's going on in my life. I'm not a daily poster. My plants are continually whispering my name and then there's no time for the computer. Verleen