Re: Greetings-- Half is NT's solution Half is AS solution.......

[Guest guest]

I have a high "resistance" to electricity and cangenerate a high charge of electricity. I have "cleared, stripped" thepaint on the driver's door leading edge of all the vehicles I everyowned. To say it in a different way, most of the time when I get outof the car and grab the door to close it, I get shocked. The resultingshock creates a pit in the paint. So over time, I will pit the paintto the point of taking off all the paint.

You are not alone, I even make sound when I get choked or touch something. I tend to really fast touch something else as to discharge myself when turning on lights or even getting on the car and of course! putting gas in my car. That one worries me at times, specially in winter. There is a lot more, as many of us in the spectrum may know, but of course we can always find a logical scientific explanation to it....... ;-)

Welcome to the list, and my advise to you is to take everything in small amounts. All the information you are getting needs to be process and canalized slowly, as not to overwhelm you. The fact that you are trying to reach out for help is the first indicator that you are ready to accept information, process it and analyze it. later on, you will take what you think is good and discard what doe snot necessarily applies to you.

My advise to anyone here, will continue to be the same, before getting to solve the dilemma of how to communicate with another human being who is in the spectrum, I recommend reading and understanding "diversity" in a general manner.

Why? When one understand diversity, one learns to accept that others are different and that their differences can be used in a positive way in any type of relationship there is at work or at home.

Once one understand diversity, no one is "ridiculously neither foolishly" thinking that we are going to "CHANGE" the other person. No one can change anyone at all, we can improve who we are as human beings and in a partnership, but "changing" someone does not works in the long run. No one can endure living life as an actor all their life! It consumes the best of feelings and eventually destroys them. That is of course my own personal views and what I have seen in my life....... Any other person has the right to disagree, as they also have a right to their own opinion.

Anyhow, once a person understand diversity, that person also understand that they are part of the solution and acceptance and a more peaceful way of dealing with problems and dilemmas is achieved.

Talking to the other person NT or AS or AS and AS or NT and NT will be done with respect and logic versus emotions.

It is for the AS person to learn about diversity as much as for the NT person to do so as well.

In reality it is a give and take experience when compromising ON BOTH parts is needed.

Respect and space for both of the parties is also needed.

Trust is gained for many of us in the spectrum and can only imagine it is the same in the NT world.

I need to trust that the person I am pouring my emotions to, my heart out to, my weaknesses and my doubts to, will protect them and never used them against me or to make me feel bad at all.

It is great that you are trying to find a better way to communicate, do a search on the basics of Diversity and see if that approach helps you feel that your partner has the right to be herself and that you also have those rights. See that finding common ground is also part of trying to find peace of mind in the relationship.

There is one thing I have to say about "some" aspies that works against them most of the time.

It is the "impulsiveness" to taking things personally and hurt before understanding that no one is personally attacking them.

This has happened to me in the past, and I have tried to see things from a different point of view that is not mine. When I feel I am getting hurt or attack by someone's words, I try to think with logic and I am slow to respond.

I do so as I am emotional and hurt and I might make things worse by responding in order to feel that I have the last word (no need for me to have the last word, nothing is gained out of it that is positive at all!).

It was very hard to do that, to not respond out of "hurt" which showed as "anger"

I realized that most of the time, I was so hurt that I needed to withdraw. Many times the other person felt I there was not way of reaching me. I tried hard to overcome that, it was so strong that at times I felt it was bigger than me. I withdrew most of the time, not to bother the other person, to move away and not hurt the other person. Yet the other person(s) did not see it that way, they saw it differently than me.

They saw it as I not trying to communicate, when in reality I just did not want to be in the way, I just wanted to make the other person happy by moving away. I am usually easy going with others, but it took a long, long, long time for me to get to that point.

I remember exactly when the first time I was able to beat myself happened. It was in 1994 at the end of summer. A friend and I had a long trip ahead of us. I was mad for some reason and my friend said to me:

Are you not going to talk all the way until the trip is over? (we had four hours to drive yet) I did not respond at all, I could not. Yet inside me, I knew that saying that was making me angrier or hurt more. I wanted to talk, but could not. I was trapped inside me; I did not feel good, and I felt stuck.

I thought of God and I said to God, how can do to not feel this way, how can I make an improvement on this ways of mine? How do I help me so that I do NOT hurt so much?

It took me about three hours to be able to get a word out. All the while I was just suffering inside me as I was trying so hard to move on from where I had been for so long.

How to beat my own self and that negative trait. How to be less strict and less emotional in my views. I did not know how to force myself to utter a word and to sound kind....... Yet I wanted to improve so very much. I wanted to outgrow the burden of being the way I was in that area.

I was finally able to utter a word and once the awkward few moments pass, I felt better and not so sick to my stomach. I was drained, my brain was very tired, and felt all the energy drained out of me.

I was thoughtful for the rest of the day, and later one for the next few days. Yet I fought my own self every day in little situations and in little steps. I thought of past situations........ my whole life and decided that somehow I would force myself to make the connections in order to feel better. I needed to make the connections in order to live a more peaceful life with myself and others.

If I could find a way not to hurt so much, then I would not withdraw so much.

I learned to think before I reacted, and I still try to do the same, it is easier and in reality it helps me keep peace of mind. I have always been happy on my own, and I wanted to continue to be happy with others....... So I had to help me become less emotional and more logic when it came to my reactions. At the end it has helped me greatly, but all of it has come with a price, I had to be less proud and also less sensitive as to be able to improve myself. I had to stretch my own views when it came to me and others. I finally did and since then I am better prepare to talk to others, to communicate with others in all aspects of life.

It takes practice and lots of hard work, few tears (and few more tears) were also needed....... Now I am able to do things in a better way. I do not hurt as much and if I am hurting, I do not get angry at the other person....... I let time in between to cool off and then I can gather the strength and the words to speak with my heart in hand. It takes guts to trust and it also takes guts to take risks.

It is not easy, but it is doable. I am certainly happy that I had the vision and desire to move forward, to suffer per se as long as it was temporary. Now, I see life in a more colorful way, and the colors in it make me happier than before.

Same responsibility goes for the NT in the relationship, it is not all that a person in the spectrum needs to "change". It is a partnership, and we people in the spectrum are only half of the problem and half of the solution! The other half of the problem and solution is for the NT to work on.

Regards,

.One site keeps you connected to all your email: AOL Mail, Gmail, and Yahoo Mail. Try it now.

[Guest guest]

Well and beautifully said, Virginia! Deserves a prominent place in the

Archives...

vcsfrewer@... wrote:

> In a message dated 12/29/2008 3:46:59 P.M. Eastern Standard Time,

> recon_dax@... writes:

[ snip electrical stuff, for brevity ]

>

> Welcome to the list, and my advise to you is to take everything in small

> amounts. All the information you are getting needs to be process and

> canalized slowly, as not to overwhelm you. The fact that you are trying

> to reach out for help is the first indicator that you are ready to

> accept information, process it and analyze it. later on, you will take

> what you think is good and discard what doe snot necessarily applies to

> you.

>

> My advise to anyone here, will continue to be the same, before getting

> to solve the dilemma of how to communicate with another human being who

> is in the spectrum, I recommend reading and understanding " diversity " in

> a general manner.

>

> Why? When one understand diversity, one learns to accept that others

> are different and that their differences can be used in a positive way

> in any type of relationship there is at work or at home.

> Once one understand diversity, no one is " ridiculously neither

> foolishly " thinking that we are going to " CHANGE " the other person. No

> one can change anyone at all, we can improve who we are as human beings

> and in a partnership, but " changing " someone does not works in the long

> run. No one can endure living life as an actor all their life! It

> consumes the best of feelings and eventually destroys them. That is of

> course my own personal views and what I have seen in my life....... Any

> other person has the right to disagree, as they also have a right to

> their own opinion.

>

> Anyhow, once a person understand diversity, that person also understand

> that they are part of the solution and acceptance and a more peaceful

> way of dealing with problems and dilemmas is achieved.

>

> Talking to the other person NT or AS or AS and AS or NT and NT will be

> done with respect and logic versus emotions.

>

> It is for the AS person to learn about diversity as much as for the NT

> person to do so as well.

> In reality it is a give and take experience when compromising ON BOTH

> parts is needed.

> Respect and space for both of the parties is also needed.

> Trust is gained for many of us in the spectrum and can only imagine it

> is the same in the NT world.

> I need to trust that the person I am pouring my emotions to, my heart

> out to, my weaknesses and my doubts to, will protect them and never used

> them against me or to make me feel bad at all.

>

> It is great that you are trying to find a better way to communicate, do

> a search on the basics of Diversity and see if that approach helps you

> feel that your partner has the right to be herself and that you also

> have those rights. See that finding common ground is also part of

> trying to find peace of mind in the relationship.

>

> There is one thing I have to say about " some " aspies that works against

> them most of the time.

> It is the " impulsiveness " to taking things personally and hurt before

> understanding that no one is personally attacking them.

> This has happened to me in the past, and I have tried to see things from

> a different point of view that is not mine. When I feel I am getting

> hurt or attack by someone's words, I try to think with logic and I am

> slow to respond.

> I do so as I am emotional and hurt and I might make things worse by

> responding in order to feel that I have the last word (no need for me to

> have the last word, nothing is gained out of it that is positive at all!).

> It was very hard to do that, to not respond out of " hurt " which showed

> as " anger "

> I realized that most of the time, I was so hurt that I needed to

> withdraw. Many times the other person felt I there was not way of

> reaching me. I tried hard to overcome that, it was so strong that at

> times I felt it was bigger than me. I withdrew most of the time, not to

> bother the other person, to move away and not hurt the other

> person. Yet the other person(s) did not see it that way, they saw it

> differently than me.

> They saw it as I not trying to communicate, when in reality I just did

> not want to be in the way, I just wanted to make the other person happy

> by moving away. I am usually easy going with others, but it took a

> long, long, long time for me to get to that point.

> I remember exactly when the first time I was able to beat myself

> happened. It was in 1994 at the end of summer. A friend and I had a

> long trip ahead of us. I was mad for some reason and my friend said to

> me:

> Are you not going to talk all the way until the trip is over? (we had

> four hours to drive yet) I did not respond at all, *I could not*. Yet

> inside me, I knew that saying that was making me angrier or hurt

> more. I wanted to talk, but could not. I was trapped inside me; I did

> not feel good, and I felt stuck.

>

> I thought of God and I said to God, how can do to not feel this way, how

> can I make an improvement on this ways of mine? How do I help me so

> that I do NOT hurt so much?

> It took me about three hours to be able to get a word out. All the

> while I was just suffering inside me as I was trying so hard to move on

> from where I had been for so long.

> How to beat my own self and that negative trait. How to be less strict

> and less emotional in my views. I did not know how to force myself to

> utter a word and to sound kind....... Yet I wanted to improve so

> very much. I wanted to outgrow the burden of being the way I was in

> that area.

>

> I was finally able to utter a word and once the awkward few moments

> pass, I felt better and not so sick to my stomach. I was drained, my

> brain was very tired, and felt all the energy drained out of me.

> I was thoughtful for the rest of the day, and later one for the next few

> days. Yet I fought my own self every day in little situations and

> in little steps. I thought of past situations........ my whole life

> and decided that somehow I would force myself to make the connections in

> order to feel better. I needed to make the connections in order to live

> a more peaceful life with myself and others.

> If I could find a way not to hurt so much, then I would not withdraw so

> much.

>

> I learned to think before I reacted, and I still try to do the same, it

> is easier and in reality it helps me keep peace of mind. I have always

> been happy on my own, and I wanted to continue to be happy with

> others....... So I had to help me become less emotional and more logic

> when it came to my reactions. At the end it has helped me greatly, but

> all of it has come with a price, I had to be less proud and also less

> sensitive as to be able to improve myself. I had to stretch my own

> views when it came to me and others. I finally did and since then I am

> better prepare to talk to others, to communicate with others in all

> aspects of life.

>

> It takes practice and lots of hard work, few tears (and few more tears)

> were also needed....... Now I am able to do things in a better way. I

> do not hurt as much and if I am hurting, I do not get angry at the other

> person....... I let time in between to cool off and then I can gather

> the strength and the words to speak with my heart in hand. It takes

> guts to trust and it also takes guts to take risks.

> It is not easy, but it is doable. I am certainly happy that I had the

> vision and desire to move forward, to suffer per se as long as it was

> temporary. Now, I see life in a more colorful way, and the colors in it

> make me happier than before.

>

> Same responsibility goes for the NT in the relationship, it is not all

> that a person in the spectrum needs to " change " . */ It is a partnership,

> and we people in the spectrum are only half of the problem and /**/half

> of the solution! The other half of the problem and solution is for the

> NT to work on. /**/ /*

>

> Regards,

>

> .

Marvelous!

- Bill, 'older', dx AS

--

WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA

http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm