Re: Social interaction - for

[Guest guest]

Hello , and welcome! I think you are on the ball with your statement :I just learned to stop asking him for much of anything (emotionally speaking). We now have 2 beautiful children ages 6 & 1. I'm a little bit worried to think that this may never change. I get a lot of questions from people about why he doesn't talk, disappears during social gathers or why he "doesn't like" them. It's all very hard to explain. I'm not sure if I should try to encourage him to go see someone or what.

It's all there! Its not he who has to see someone - he isnt doing anything wrong. Its just that he isnt doing what is expected of him in the situation.

If he, or you, feels able to explain the Asperger traits of not being able to read social signals, this should alleviate those questions to some degree. Well, those questioners will either be supportive or be sniffy about the whole thing, in which case you'll know who your friends are.

He may never change, because he is what he is. But he may find ways to adapt to situations if he understands that those situations are difficult for him; or that he shouldn't try to fit in because its expected of him? Ian (my in house Aspie) doesn't go to weddings or family gatherings - unless he chooses to. People have been offended by his disappearance (old postings here will tell you about the time he left me sitting in the theatre as he got bored by the play halfway through, but forgot to mention that fact to me or my friends; we spent ages looking for him!)

Ian also thinks people dont like him because they dont react to him the way he thinks they should, which is how he has worked out a social situation in his head. Like many Asperger's, he uses television or books to learn how people should react in social settings. Ian thinks through a script of his own, rehearses his social persona beforehand, to try and get through the perspex wall he feels he has in front of him, and he thinks this will help him interact with others freely. But, if the other party doesn't react as per Ian's assessment of how they should react, he becomes upset and cant proceed with any further conversation as that isnt factored in. Like many Asperger's Ian has said the wrong thing (known in the trade as inappropriate remarks! - IR's) and been ostracised or got into arguments. This is because the other party hasn't read Ian's script!

I have learned that if Ian is comfortable with explaining to people about AS traits, then they are more receptive to him not being there all the evening, walking out, and being wrapped up in his own thoughts. In the past, Ian has been terrified of social interaction because he didn't know what it was that made him different, that he didn't 'click' with others. He just knew he got it wrong a lot of the time. He became unconfident and angry. With our new attitude together where we say, he doesn't have to be the social butterfly, its helped him to resurface as the man who doesn't automatically attend social gatherings, and who is happy to stay at home unless its someone, or something that really engages him.

We all have to duck and dive in social settings - small talk, putting up with people we would rather avoid. Its the Emperors New Clothes for most of us. Ian can't 'salmon fish' as I call it - can't adjust his actions to suit the changing situation. He always thinks people dislike him. He is in fact well liked, but doesn't know how to be friends with people. He doesn't notice or correctly gauge the signals of others. I usually translate for him - that person did actually want to hear more about ..... (whatever Ian's pet subject is!) or, that person wasn't interested, so that's why they walked away or started looking around the room. Ian is often hurt by this. I explain to him that he does the same himself! More so in fact, as he is easily bored. He often thinks of something and leaves (restaurant, dinner table, theatre as above.... sometimes gets the car and goes off!) I used to be angry and embarrassed. I now say,

that is what he wants to do - fine - but do tell me if he is offski.

My true friends know and understand that Ian's non appearance/disappearance at social gatherings is because he can't handle it, not because he hates them, or is ambivalent. Once he was 'outed' it made it much better for all of us - he comes along if he wants, stays if he wants, and I dont rely on him for my social companion. He thrives as a result and has become, by degrees, more sociable.

So, don't make him fit with the mould. He doesn't need to see anyone about this, its typical Aspie behaviour. You know best what kind of parameters you need to set - i.e. he must take responsibility for attending parents nights, or social encounters that benefit you and your children. But for anything that is about what others think? Forget about what others think.. This is your man, your life, and do what is comfortable for you both and for your children.

We don't have friends around to our house, unless by prior arrangement so Ian can think about if he wants to be a part of the party or not. He has his rumpus room, where he disappears for thinking and decompressing. Ian hates sudden events, and needs that decompression time before being put into a social setting of any kind. If we bump into an old friend in the street, he's off down the road - I stop to chat - Ian says that was unexpected wasn't it! Happy to have seen the person, but not realising that its the done thing to stop and exchange niceties. There is no malice there.

The other element in social settings is the noise, and sounds and light - Ian has the Asperger thing of being oversensitive to these, and smells. So often as not its the setting that gets to Ian, and he can't stand it. I'ts hard for me to see, as I am looking at faces, hearing voices, getting into conversations. For Ian, its a hundred nails on blackboard, high velocity noise and sound. Add to this the lack of conversation skills, small talk, and sheer inability to read faces or expressions, its hell for him.

You do sound as though you have a great understanding of your husband, I do hope that with the support of all of us here we can make things easier for you and yours.

Judy B, Scotland - dreading the next few weeks of 'Festilities'! Tip: Get in some computer games for your Aspie and leave him be. Just leave him a few mince pies outside the room door. Keep him away from horrid old aunties. And check from time to time that he is still breathing. Otherwise, you will never get through Christmas!

Subject: RE: Introducing myselfTo: aspires-relationships Date: Friday, 12 December, 2008, 4:33 AM

Interesting, thanks.

[aspires-relationsh ips] Introducing myself

Hi,Just wanted to introduce myself as I am a new member of your group. I only learned of Aspergers in the last 6 months. In that time I have come to my own conclusion that my husband of 12 years (plus 7 years dating) is an Aspie. He has also read about it some and quietly admitted that he agrees with this conclusion. We went through a very difficult time 7 years ago when he lost his job as a programmer (dot.bomb) for the second time and went into a depression (although I didn't realize). I pulled away hoping he would follow me and he never did. I considered leaving but his black and white reality kept me from ending things permanently.I just learned to stop asking him for much of anything (emotionally speaking). We now have 2 beautiful children ages 6 & 1. I'm a little bit worried to think that this may never change. I get a lot of questions from people about why he doesn't talk,

disappears during social gathers or why he "doesn't like" them. It's all very hard to explain. I'm not sure if I should try to encourage him to go see someone or what.The way I learned about this is from my aunt. A close cousin of mine committed suicide almost 4 years ago at age 34. I've just learned from his mother (my aunt) that he was diagnosed with Aspergers one year before he died.Anyway - I have never been in a group like this before so any direction or input is appreciated. Also have patience with me as I'm not yet in tune with all of the acronymns you are using.Thanks!

[Guest guest]

Judy,

I loved your tag on the end of your e-mail.

"Very

true, Oh to true" as the line from the musical goes. We to are in the

midst of Holiday preparations I am a huge holiday lover but it is very

hard on my two boys on the spectrum (and though he would never admit it, my

hubby). They love the holiday season, don't get me wrong, but the

stimulation it provides is too-oooooo much. Here in the US we have

Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas lined up. Throw in

a couple of

birthdays for two of our boys and we have things going on for three

months

straight. School schedules are off because of the holiday festivities

and

there are everyone's favorite School PLAYS (which absolutely will not

participate in) and me working (not to mention Cub Scout floats in the town

parade, Santa's helper gigs, etc etc etc). I told Usarian I may fly to

Bermuda today just to escape for a few hours LOL. This is starting to

sound "Grinchy" which I absolutely am not ( as before mentioned I LOVE this

stuff) but I am dreading the inevitable melt downs that we are already

seeing. I have decided that Sunday is going to be a completely

uneventful

boring day. Yippee, can't wait.

Does anyone have an advice for AS/AU survival for

these

busy times? Actually maybe the question should be...Does anyone have

any

tips for NT survival of AS/AU survival of the holidays? LOL

e, maybe a tad bit stressed

From: JUDY BARROW

Sent: Friday, December 12, 2008 6:02 AM

To: aspires-relationships@ya

hoogroups.com

Subject: RE: Social interaction - for

Hello , and welcome! I think you are on the ball with

your

statement :I just learned to stop asking him for much of anything

(emotionally speaking). We now have 2 beautiful children ages 6

& 1. I'm a little bit worried to think that this may never

change. I get a lot of questions from people about why he doesn't

talk, disappears during social gathers or why he "doesn't like"

them. It's all very hard to explain. I'm not sure if I should try to

encourage him to go see someone or what.

It's all there! Its not he who has to see someone - he isnt

doing anything wrong. Its just that he isnt doing what is

expected

of him in the situation.

If he, or you, feels able to explain the Asperger

traits of

not being able to read social signals, this should alleviate those

questions to some degree. Well, those questioners will either be

supportive or be sniffy about the whole thing, in which case you'll

know

who your friends are.

He may never change, because he is what he is. But he may

find

ways to adapt to situations if he understands that those

situations

are difficult for him; or that he shouldn't try to fit in because its

expected of him? Ian (my in house Aspie) doesn't go to weddings

or

family gatherings - unless he chooses to. People have been

offended

by his disappearance (old postings here will tell you about the

time

he left me sitting in the theatre as he got bored by the

play

halfway through, but forgot to mention that fact to me or my friends;

we

spent ages looking for him!)

Ian also thinks people dont like him because they dont react

to

him the way he thinks they should, which is how he has worked out a

social

situation in his head. Like many Asperger's, he uses television

or

books to learn how people should react in social settings.

Ian thinks through a script of his own, rehearses his social

persona

beforehand, to try and get through the perspex wall he feels he has in

front of him, and he thinks this will help him interact with others

freely. But, if the other party doesn't react as per Ian's assessment

of

how they should react, he becomes upset and cant proceed with any

further

conversation as that isnt factored in. Like many

Asperger's Ian has said the wrong thing (known in the trade as

inappropriate remarks! - IR's) and been ostracised or got into

arguments.

This is because the other party hasn't read Ian's

script!

I have learned that if Ian is comfortable with explaining to

people

about AS traits, then they are more receptive to him not being there

all

the evening, walking out, and being wrapped up in his own

thoughts.

In the past, Ian has been terrified of social interaction because he

didn't know what it was that made him different, that he didn't

'click' with others. He just knew he got it wrong a lot of the time.

He

became unconfident and angry. With our new attitude together

where

we say, he doesn't have to be the social butterfly, its helped him to

resurface as the man who doesn't automatically attend social

gatherings, and who is happy to stay at home unless its someone, or

something that really engages him.

We all have to duck and dive in social settings - small talk,

putting

up with people we would rather avoid. Its the Emperors New

Clothes

for most of us. Ian can't 'salmon fish' as I call it - can't adjust

his

actions to suit the changing situation. He always thinks people

dislike him. He is in fact well liked, but doesn't know how to

be

friends with people. He doesn't notice or correctly gauge the signals

of

others. I usually translate for him - that person did

actually want

to hear more about ..... (whatever Ian's pet subject is!) or, that

person

wasn't interested, so that's why they walked away or started looking

around the room. Ian is often hurt by this. I explain to him

that he

does the same himself! More so in fact, as he is easily bored.

He

often thinks of something and leaves (restaurant, dinner table,

theatre as

above.... sometimes gets the car and goes off!) I used to be angry and

embarrassed. I now say, that is what he wants to do - fine - but do

tell

me if he is offski.

My true friends know and understand that Ian's non

appearance/disappearance at social gatherings is because he can't

handle it, not because he hates them, or is ambivalent. Once he was

'outed' it made it much better for all of us - he comes along if he

wants,

stays if he wants, and I dont rely on him for my social

companion.

He thrives as a result and has become, by degrees, more

sociable.

So, don't make him fit with the mould. He doesn't

need to

see anyone about this, its typical Aspie behaviour. You know best what

kind of parameters you need to set - i.e. he must take responsibility

for

attending parents nights, or social encounters that benefit you and

your

children. But for anything that is about what others think?

Forget

about what others think.. This is your man, your life, and do what is

comfortable for you both and for your children.

We don't have friends around to our house, unless by prior

arrangement so Ian can think about if he wants to be a part of the

party

or not. He has his rumpus room, where he disappears for thinking and

decompressing. Ian hates sudden events, and needs that decompression

time

before being put into a social setting of any kind. If we bump into an

old

friend in the street, he's off down the road - I stop to chat - Ian

says

that was unexpected wasn't it! Happy to have seen the person,

but

not realising that its the done thing to stop and exchange niceties.

There

is no malice there.

The other element in social settings is the noise, and

sounds

and light - Ian has the Asperger thing of being oversensitive to

these,

and smells. So often as not its the setting that gets to Ian, and he

can't

stand it. I'ts hard for me to see, as I am looking at faces, hearing

voices, getting into conversations. For Ian, its a hundred nails on

blackboard, high velocity noise and sound. Add to this the lack of

conversation skills, small talk, and sheer inability to read faces or

expressions, its hell for him.

You do sound as though you have a great understanding of your

husband, I do hope that with the support of all of us here we can make

things easier for you and yours.

Judy B, Scotland - dreading the next few weeks of

'Festilities'! Tip: Get in some computer games for your

Aspie

and leave him be. Just leave him a few mince pies outside the room

door.

Keep him away from horrid old aunties. And check from time to time

that he

is still breathing. Otherwise, you will never get through

Christmas!

From:

Skeen <julie.skeensbcglobal (DOT) net>Subject: RE:

Introducing myselfTo:

aspires-relationships Date: Friday, 12

December, 2008, 4:33 AM

Interesting, thanks.

[aspires-relationsh ips] Introducing

myself

Hi,Just wanted to introduce myself as I am a new member

of

your group. I only learned of Aspergers in the last 6

months. In

that time I have come to my own conclusion that my husband

of 12

years (plus 7 years dating) is an Aspie. He has also read

about

it some and quietly admitted that he agrees with this

conclusion. We went through a very difficult time 7

years

ago when he lost his job as a programmer (dot.bomb) for the

second time and went into a depression (although I didn't

realize). I pulled away hoping he would follow me and he

never

did. I considered leaving but his black and white reality

kept

me from ending things permanently.I just learned to stop

asking him for much of anything (emotionally speaking). We

now

have 2 beautiful children ages 6 & 1. I'm a little bit

worried to think that this may never change. I get a lot of

questions from people about why he doesn't talk, disappears

during

social gathers or why he "doesn't like" them. It's all very

hard

to explain. I'm not sure if I should try to encourage him to

go

see someone or what.The way I learned about this is

from

my aunt. A close cousin of mine committed suicide almost 4

years

ago at age 34. I've just learned from his mother (my aunt)

that

he was diagnosed with Aspergers one year before he

died.Anyway - I have never been in a group like this

before

so any direction or input is appreciated. Also have patience

with me as I'm not yet in tune with all of the acronymns you

are

using.Thanks!