Self-Acceptance

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http://www.fpg.unc.edu/~ncodh/orchid/pages/journey.cfm

 

The Journey to Self-Acceptance

" You may not believe this, but I don't consider myself disabled. "

Lara, 29, has an undergraduate degree, serves on an advisory board, and lives in

her own apartment. Also, she has cerebral palsy, uses a wheelchair, sits only

with support, is nonverbal, and has very limited use of her hands.

Lara's success and sense of accomplishment are due in part to her high

self-esteem and self-confidence. A streak of stubbornness and supportive parents

haven't hurt either.

Caroline, who has had a disability since birth, agrees, adding, " I believe that

almost a hundred percent of disability is a state of mind. I don't think that

I'm disabled. I can do anything I want. " She has used her self-confidence to

move forward with her professional career and to pursue an active social life.

Self-esteem is a vital component in how we face the challenges of life. It is

not difficult to understand why a woman's self-esteem may suffer when she has a

disability. Women with disabilities are routinely denied acceptance in areas

from transportation and schooling to employment. In the media, people with

disabilities are often portrayed as victims or brave fighters who triumph.

In a world that cherishes youth, beauty, vitality, good health, and

self-reliance, people with disabilities have to battle constantly for the

fundamental human rights simply to be who they really are.

Developing a positive self-image and building self-esteem is a process.

Sometimes, the first step is to give yourself permission to like yourself. By

developing self-compassion, self-acceptance and self-love, you empower yourself

to accomplish your goals and improve your relationships with others.

" I'm in a place now where I can say I have a disability and it's okay, " said

Pam. For her, it was children who brought her to this realization. She worked

with preschoolers for 12 years, a healing time for her in coming to terms with

her own disability. The kids she worked with on a daily basis helped her become

more comfortable with her disability and build her self-esteem.

She loves to tell the story about a four-year-old who asked why she wore one big

shoe (a shoe with a lift) and one regular shoe. The little girl was very

impressed and said, " Just think, Pam, if you had two short legs you could wear

two big shoes! "

For Pam, her increased self-esteem over the years has enabled her to start

trying more things. She's learning that she can find ways to do things like

water skiing, wall climbing, and snow skiing that she didn't think she could do

before.

Parents and friends

How your parents, friends and society react to your disability has a great

impact on your self-perception and self-esteem. According to Caroline, " My

parents have never said there's something I couldn't do. When I went to camp, I

found out that many of the campers felt limited at what they could do because

they grew up being told they couldn't do things. "

Annette echoed these sentiments. " I was raised with the idea that I can do

anything I want to do. My parents supported and encouraged me in all I did. My

disability is a fact in my life - it doesn't determine who I am. Having the

disability determines how I go through the world, not what I do. "

According to the Center for Research on Women with Disabilities in Houston, TX,

" Parents who encouraged their teen-age daughter to go out and meet people, who

gave her the expectation that she could marry someday if she wished, who

equipped her with the information and social skills she needed to attract dates,

and most importantly, who made her feel valued and attractive, set the stage for

having positive dating relationships. "

How can a person with a disability effectively fight society's negative

messages, build self-esteem, and reject conscious and unconscious feelings of

unworthiness? Clearly, it is a difficult and challenging task. But it is also a

rewarding experience that can form the basis for more positive interactions in

every aspect of social and romantic relationships.

The advice offered by Edmund Hopper and in Sex Education for

Physically Handicapped Youth, a self-help book for teens with disabilities, can

be a good starting point for people of any age: " Self-esteem can be a 'Catch-22'

situation - you need confidence to build confidence. You can choose to have a

proud, positive self-concept or a weak, distorted opinion of yourself. To have a

strong self-image is not to deny that you have a disabling condition.

It's just to understand that the disabled parts of your body are only part of

your whole body machine that makes you the very special human being that you

are. "

Take care of yourself

One way to boost your self-esteem is to take care of yourself. Your positive

self-image will grow when you show yourself respect and love. Take a warm,

fragrant bath. Get a back rub from a friend. Try a new, flattering haircut.

Exercise and eat a healthy diet. Pamper yourself.

Another way to build self-esteem is to exercise it. When people don't seem to

know how to act around you, make the first move; smile and say " Hello. " Strike

up conversations. Maintain eye contact. Your confident attitude will not only

make you feel more comfortable with yourself, but also it will benefit those

around you.

Some tips for creating the positive you:

Get to know your assets and strengths. Find a picture of yourself that you like

and display it.

Share information with others about the things you like about yourself.

Risk social rejection at least once a week by initiating meaningful contact with

one new person.

When talking with friends and co-workers, keep the conversation upbeat, rather

than negative. Affirm, don't complain.

Let others know what you like and admire about them. Keep your emotional

neediness in check. Don't alienate people by clinging or manipulating.

Become more active in ways that are stimulating or energizing. Try an activity

that interests you - a hobby, an exercise, or a community program.

Get current information about sexuality and get in touch with your own

sexuality.

According to the Center for Research on Women with Disabilities, " As women with

disabilities, we must begin to challenge the perceptions of body beautiful, and

ignore the notion of the body perfect. Disability challenges all notions of

perfection and beauty as defined by popular, dominant culture. We must reclaim

what has been traditionally viewed as negative and accentuate the reality that

'different' carries with it exciting and creative opportunities for change. As

we begin the process of reclaiming and embracing our differences, let's

celebrate our range of sizes, shapes, and abilities. "

[by Sally McCormick, Woodward Communications and Pam Dickens, NC Office on

Disability and Health]

note: This article and the related article on intimacy include excerpts from:

The Center for Research on Women with Disabilities

Houston, TX, 713-960-0505

www.bcm.tmc.edu/crowd/