the burden of shame and how to heal shame

[Guest guest]

THE BURDENS OF SHAME

Shame-bound persons, believing themselves to be seriously flawed, without worth,

and hardly belonging in the world inevitably have the consequences of their

shame-consciousness show up very negatively in many areas of their life:

At the core of the shame-bound person is a failure of self-esteem. As one feels

dishonored and without belonging, then feeling good about oneself, feeling

confident in one's abilities is inevitably lost. With one's boundaries mushy and

one's sense of oneself as " flawed, " one hardly has a self at all, let alone one

to feel high regard for. " Shaming " a person makes him as low as he can go. For a

person who has been shamed has no way out, his is the feeling of there being

nothing he can do to set things right. Something vague, but decisive, has shrunk

his soul.

The shame-bound person may become either an offender or a victim, or, as is most

likely, one who vacillates from one mode to the other. If his experiences cause

him to access his shame, he may take out his hurt and rage on others weaker than

himself in his present community of family and friends. For another person whose

defense is less aggressive, if she is re-shamed, she may fall into her

accustomed role of victim, as she is naturally adept in this guise, having been

an actual victim in her original family. Having learned to make a " virtue " of

necessity, she has mastered playing the victim for what consolation rewards

there are--some sympathy, some self-righteousness. For the offender there is

some momentary sense of revenge and power, for the victim, a brief touch with

martyrdom--and beyond these meager compensations, the despair of impotence and

participation in the continuing of the cycle of shame. The shame of the parents

becomes the shame of the children, and so on...

The shame-bound person has difficulty with intimate relationships.

Feeling so bad about herself, she does not wish another to know her, expecting

for sure that he will see what a shameful creature she is. So she puts up a

false front, she pretends and postures and does all the things she believes

others will be impressed by, but she can never do that which is the essence of

intimacy, reveal herself to another in open risk taking.

Depression often possesses the shame-bound person. Depression is the stuck place

between anger and grief. The person who feels no sense of self-worth will not

know how to get angry, for that would be too much aggression for him who was

brought up with such a fragmented sense of being entitled to respect. On the

other hand, the shame-possessed person cannot grieve, for it was much too

disappointing and painful to dare to believe that he could be genuinely

important to another, or vice versa. Depression is marked by alienation and no

real opportunity to bring things back together. At the center of depression is

the sense of loss, and the shame-bound person carries the greatest loss of all,

the loss of a valued self. The loss is made more difficult to emerge from as one

recognizes that he is only partially aware of the dimension of his loss, having

been deprived of the experience of and the model for respectful caring and

nurturing.

The shame-bound person is controlling, rigid, and perfectionistic.

She has had to compensate for having not felt a sense of love. Her experience of

" love " is the opposite of the highly touted, idealized concept of " unconditional

love " . Shame comes from all " love " being conditional. Which, of course means

that the love is never complete, never a comment on the person as she is, but as

she pleases her parents by satisfying their expectations and demands. So she

attempts to put life in " perfect " order to compensate for the chaos in the

relationships of her heart. Not feeling the warmth of love, she needs

desperately to control the world and is not able to tolerate deviation. In a

loveless world, " doing things right " brings the only rewards she can attain. She

lives very carefully, for a slip can cause her to lose her fragile hold on

things.

The shame-bound person clings to his image, after all it is the most positive

thing he has going for him. He believes that within he has no real self, that he

is not loved, or respected, or needed, so he must make himself loveable, appear

respectable, and create the illusion of being indispensable to others. He works

hard at it. He lives by his false-self, often bouncing between an over- and

under-inflated presentation of himself. He does not strive for self-fulfillment,

only for self-image fulfillment.

The shame bound person is numb and/or spaced-out. Life is so painful as-it-is

that she takes the way of self hypnosis, or enters a self-induced trance-state

in order to make her experience bearable. She lives anesthetized, and feeling as

little pain as possible. Of course, neither can she feel passion or pleasure.

HEALING SHAME

Shame is, indeed, pervasive and profound. It doesn't fix easily, for it is a

condition of our psyche and our soul. But with courage, attention and plain hard

work healing is possible. Here are some thoughts for healing your shame:

Let yourself learn, through and through, that your shame is not your fault. Most

of your shame-inducing experiences happened to you early in your life--when you

were small and the world of parents and other caretakers loomed very large. Your

fundamental feelings of insignificance, the " shame " that goes far back in your

mind and soul, appeared long before you had any " choices " in the matter. Shame

was your natural organismic response to the burdens and demands that were being

visited on you by your family. Believing that making you ashamed would motivate

you to behave as they wished (The demands of a dysfunctional shame-bound family

are irrational and inconsistent, for the family only knows it is unhappy and

does not know what would make things better. The child becomes the scapegoat for

the family's incompetency in solving its problems-in-living.), your parents

intended you to feel shame about yourself for your " bad " behavior. Sometimes,

they even rationalized that shaming you was " for your own good. " However, what

actually happened was that they only succeeded in making you feel bad about

being yourself, for you did not possess what they were demanding as you had

neither the power nor the talent to change yourself in order to enter into their

good graces. But, being children, you could not grasp that your parents were the

dysfunctional persons in the family; you knew of no one's failures but those

attributed to you by the grown-ups. Your only " guidance " was that which helped

you feel awful--shame--about yourself for failing to produce....I repeat, it was

not your fault.

Face shame, experience it, incorporate it. As you are your memories, your

history, your joys and your talents, you also are your experience of shame.

There is no escaping any part of yourself, your shame experiences are in your

neurons and your body cells. What you can learn is not to deny or finesse them,

but to face them, own them, and incorporate them into yourself. After all, they

are only painful memories, not imperious demons. They cannot hurt you again as

they did before--though you may believe they can--for you are not vulnerable as

you were when you were small. Some things have changed and one of them is the

perspective and position you have as adults to confront and not be done-in by

the shaming experiences the world offers you.

There is nothing shameful about shame. You have every right to yours. You earned

it by surviving in the midst of shaming people. There is a great community of

the shamed waiting to dare to trust others enough to be open and vulnerable.

Sharing your shame with them will be a way of forming a strong and rejuvenating

ties with others. Your sense of shame can be your channel of empathy and pathos

to the hearts of others, and...it will help you laugh with the Woody 's,

Dangerfield's and Whoopie Goldberg's of the world as they help you own the

universality of your shame and both cry and lighten-up a bit about it. There is

no more powerful bond than that of shared shame transformed into a bond of

understanding and mutual support for one another's healing.

Replace shame with mature guilt. Guilt has often received bad press, and well it

should--if, and only if, you are talking about neurotic guilt--guilt that

self-flagellates and changes nothing. If you are talking about mature guilt,

then guilt is one of the great inventions of nature. For mature guilt lets you

know what is unacceptable, and offers you opportunity to do something about it.

Shame, on the other hand comes to you as a feeling so deep and so incapable of

your getting a grasp on it that it seems there is nothing you can do. To

illustrate: feels shame that he is not the sort of person who can ever

excel at his work. Whatever happens, a demotion, a " blowing-out " by his boss, he

senses that this is because he is " basically inadequate, " so he hangs his head

and lowers his eyes and dampens his energy. Finding the " smarts " and the courage

to re-evaluate himself as " guilty " of inertia and poor training, he begins to

create and achieve goals that are possible for him. So if he sets certain

standards, and then if he doesn't achieve them, he can rightly feel guilty that

he is failing and can increase his efforts to succeed, or redefine his goals. He

has moved into consciousness that his worth can be defined by realistic

possibilities, not by the un-focused and " hidden " demands of shame-making

expectations.

Make new parents. You must learn from experience that you are not unworthy of

belonging to the human community and that in order to heal your shame you must

create a healthy family for yourself. Think of an occasion when you have stood

against those who would make you feel bad about yourself. Think of how you

counted on the thought of a friend, or lover, or teacher whose opinion you could

depend on to back you in your struggle. It made a difference. It made the

crucial difference is keeping you going and anchoring the experience as a

positive for you.

You must create a new family. Perhaps this sounds strange, but you are already

doing it--clubs, churches, professional societies are efforts; lovers, friends,

marriages are efforts; even cliques, cults, and gangs are efforts. The success

or failure of your journey to heal your shame will be crucially influenced by

your ability to surround yourself with those who think you are lovable, who

support you, who back you up in the way you lead your life, who can convey to

you that they are for you even when they don't like your behavior--and toward

whom you can healthily reciprocate.