Still astounded by my reaction to my little notebook computer

January 17, 2010

I guess my " rational " brain still finds it hard to believe. I'm working mostly

in the computer center of the hotel here, which is slightly toxic (flourescent

lighting, a bit of a moldy odor in the one area where I'm working, and toxic

printer smells etc) but I seem to do basically fine in here.

But there were two girls monopolizing both computers this morning and one of

them is still here with a very strong perfume and fabric bounce smell and I'm

dealing with it anyway, because I went upstairs and said to myself, It can't

really be true. The little computer is sitting here and I seem okay so I'll just

turn it on and work on it. I needed to get some files off to email to myself and

print out down here anyway.

As soon as I began to work on it the same subjective reaction, which is precise

and yet hard to believe. I get totally moody, feel like bursting into tears, get

a pressure feeling in my chest, and feel very angry. I just can't believe it.

As I said I'm wearing my clothes from home, brought my toiletries etc. Its not

like I'm using nothing from home. But this little computer must be extremely

toxic as it was on every day for years and getting dust in it, as it hasn't been

cleaned in a few years.

It really makes me hesitate about what to bring with. Can I bring my glass Ikea

desk and my metal container store drawers? What does anyone think? Or should I

abandon all furniture (I've now decided to abandon the nice antiques as wood is

just too dangerous). Metal and glass should be okay--or not?

Anyway, finding a place here has not been easy either. Although my MCS seems

somewhat better away from the toxic mold, I still am very MCS. I can't fathom

what people live with. We saw a cute nontoxic house, small, 3 br on six lovely

wooded acres, with brazilian wood floors and berber carpet, no new paint, all

was good except I smelled gas in the two bedrooms and it turns out the gas

furnace for heating is in a closet right next to them as there is no basement. I

told the couple there is a leak and let me come back once it's fixed but I

already decided that's just too dangerous for me.

Other homes had mold issues, glade issues, paint issues, etc. I walk into so

called " luxury " apts in gated community developments and every hallway and

apartment is toxic to me because built with such cheap materials (laminates,

etc) that it still bothers me even 10 years later. And newer constructino homes,

built tight, are really obnoxious.

I really wonder if others are okay, even if they think they are, living in such

places. It's going to be a needle in a haystack to find a reasonable one without

SOME problem. Too bad that little house didn't have a basement with the furnace

down there.

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