Re: end of your strength

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

thanks for answering my message.

I seem not to be able anymore to drive my life, as I am exhausted and deep

depressed. Everything that

happened to me since childhood is just too much, now that I am 54. I was

alone and in charge of

everything, first with my parents and siblings, later with my kids since I

was 11. I never could expect any

help, it was even the contrary, as my mother and my ex-husband made both my

life a hell, even after the

divorce. In my family and my ex's family everything revolves around money,

always more money. You

are considered as far as you have a lot of money, even if the means to get

it are dishonest. I could not

bear it with my husband and he abandoned me with our 2 very young children,

in order to have more

money for himself, as having a family had prevented him to LIVE. Of course

I never put a gun to his

head for him to marry me or to have children. He forced me to have our

second child even though the

medical doctors told him not to. He threatened to leave me if I did not

obey. I was a housewife,

without a cent, so I had no choice.

I have been hanging by my fingernails most of my life, because my parents'

abuse brought me to bad

choices after that as far as partners are concerned. Not that I had many of

them since I got divorced

26 years ago, but it was always wrong, with all sorts of abuse from them. I

did not know anything else

than abuse and although I swore I would never be like my parents, I only met

with people that were

just as abusive.

I seem to be a magnet for dysfunctional (abusive, BPD, NPD, anti-social)

people, who feeling my

codependency suck all strength from me before leaving me, although they

seem, at the beginning of the

relationship to be different from my parents and ex-husband. It is so in my

private life and at work too.

I am always taken advantage of and if I tried to defend myself, it is seen

as aggressivity.

I don't know what to do anymore, because everything I have been doing so far

was always wrong, just

as everything I did as a child was wrong in my mother's eyes. I am

completely alone and isolated, which

is not at all in my character. I am open to others and they just abuse it.

Being on the American lists, I have mostly been lurking, as I feel my

answers would be inadequate, because

of the difference of culture and education between the US and France. I got

some hard judgments on the

first list I was on and now I don't dare to write my mind on the lists.

Since childhood I have always been there for others (caretaker role forced

on me by my parents from the

time I was 11 on) but nobody has ever been there for me and I am more than

exhausted. If I ask for

something, I am told that I am too demanding, or I get promises which are

never fulfilled.

Yesterday I just discovered that there is ONE Coda group somewhere in Paris.

The meetings are on

Saturday morning. I'll try to go there and see if I can do something with

them. And I really think I need a therapist

because my depression is going too far for me to treat it alone. There are

times when I am suicidal and have

nobody to call for help except the emergency services, which are not at all

empathic (I already called them

twice as I was having a panic attack and I am still waiting for them to come

and help me). After that my

general practitioner gave me Valium, that I must always have with me in case

such attacks happen. She told me

emergency services are overworked and don't always answer as they should.

You say you write everything as if you were at a therapist. I have been

journaling since I was 12 or 13 and

still do. It helps to vent of course, but it does not replace real contact

with people. Although I need weekends

because I am exhausted, I hate them too because I have nobody to see, or to

call. It happens that I lose my

voice during long weekends because I have nobody to speak to.

I cut every tie with my parents: with my father, who abused me sexually and

physically during several years

under my mother's eyes, more than 30 years ago; with my mother who abused me

physically and emotionally,

only 14 years ago. My parents cut all ties with their respective families

and forbade us to have friends for

fear that somebody saw what happened within our house.

As I cut ties with my mother, she retaliated in helping my ex-husband take

my kids (teenagers at the time) away

from me and brainwashing them in believing that I am bad, crazy and a liar.

She gave them money to help them

gulp these lies. They now as adults hate me and refuse any contact with me.

After reading a few books in English or German about abuse, BPD/NPD and so

on (very few books have

been translated or still less written in French) I see that my mother is

probably BPD and sadistic. My father is/was

a pedophile and a violent man, particularly when drunk. Both were completely

unfit to have children as they were

unwilling to take responsibilities.

As long as my grandfather lived, he educated us and that gave my younger

brother and I the few positive

ideas we had in life. My parents let him do, because he had the money. After

he died, hell broke down on us.

My brother could not forget what my parents did to him, was very violent and

drank himself to death in 1991 at

41. My younger sister who was called the " Princess " always had everything

she wanted in every area and still

has. She married a rich man, so she is OK in my mother's eyes.

As for me I always turned my violence against myself and it destroyed me

inside. It was forbidden to have

feelings and emotions in front of my mother. I made several suicide attempts

at different times in my life.

They were no help signs, I really wanted out of this hell, I really wanted

to die. I am once more at the

same place, after a 3+ year relationship with a German man with

BPD/NPD/anti-social traits. Of course as

a good codependent I tried to help him; of course he abused me, the worst

being that we work together.

I tried to escape by finding a new job, but at 54 in France you are good

enough for the garbage bin and

I could not find anything. Having no money of my own, I have no choice and

am obliged to go on working

in the same office and for him. It is then easier for him to try to suck me

back into the relationship, when he

needs something or gets into problems. I try to detach but it is difficult,

as I am so isolated that every

contact is important for me.

I hope you understand what I mean when I tell you bits of my life. I don't

know what to expect from life.

I think: Nothing. I have been so often disappointed in life that I can't

believe that something is going to

get better for me.

You did not say anything about you. Why are you on this list? It would be

interesting for me to know

how you are coping, and after which difficulties with your parents, only if

you feel like it of course.

Thanks for letting me vent.

(((((Hugs back to you)))))

end of your strength

>

> > >

> > > Jacky from France here.

> > >

>

> Hello Jacky!

>

> Oh I'm so glad you wrote to the list! It sounds like you

> are in such great despair. Writing to the list was a

> wonderful brave thing to do to care for yourself.

> Congratulations for taking care of yourself!!!! YOU

> DESERVE CARE!!!! (I'm sorry I don't speak any French.)

>

> Sometimes when life is totally overwhelming for me and I am

> desperately hopeless and sad it helps me to break things up

> and only worry about one little step at a time. Are there

> any simple little pleasures, one tiny little thing that you

> can do to provide loving care for yourself? Maybe reserve

> 15 minutes a day to sit in a quiet safe place, light a

> candle, and have a cup of tea? Anything... Do you have a

> favorite song that makes you feel better? Close your eyes

> and if you could have the future of your dreams, what would

> it be like? Then imagine it. Vividly. If you can imagine

> it, it's that much closer to being a real possibility.

> Maybe make a list of tiny little things you can do that

> make you feel a little better. Then when you are utterly

> hopeless and in despair you can read your list and pick one

> thing to do to care for yourself.

>

> Find some safe place. One tiny little spot (under a

> favorite tree? sitting in a rocking chair?) that can be all

> your own. Start small, and build a nurturing place for

> yourself. Eventually that safe, hopeful, nurturing place

> will slowly start to expand outward into other areas of

> your life. Create a place that helps you feel better,

> soothes you, and gives you a tiny grain of hope. At first,

> it might feel totally hopeless and ridiculous. That doing

> such a small thing would make any difference. That feeling

> is a black black cloud floating all around you. It makes

> everything feel totally hopeless. Defy that cloud. One

> tiny little spark of hope, even if it's just for an

> instant, is the beginning of that black cloud breaking up.

>

> I have not found a therapist yet either. But I did find

> something that helps me. I bought a pen and a notebook and

> I schedule a regular weekly session with myself. I pretend

> I am going to see a therapist. I set my alarm clock. I

> get dressed, have breakfast, and put my notebook and pen on

> the dining room table, then I walk around the block as if I

> am going to my therapist's office. When I arrive back

> home, I make myself tea and imagine greeting my therapist.

> Then I open my notebook and I " talk " to my therapist. I

> write and write and pour all my feelings out. It seems

> silly, but it's very important. I'm important. I keep

> this regular appointment for myself so that I will know

> that I am worth all of this trouble. Slowly I've begun to

> believe that I am worth taking care of. And that is the

> beginning of things getting better.

>

> Also, I've found this list to be more supportive than many

> of the formal group therapies I have tried. This place is

> an excellent resource. You can always pour your feelings

> out to us and people here will read and listen and care.

>

> There is something beyond that black black cloud. It just

> feels so impossible and hopeless to imagine anything else

> behind the terrible cloud.

>

>

>

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

> Being on the American lists, I have mostly been lurking, as I feel

my

> answers would be inadequate, because

> of the difference of culture and education between the US and

France. I got

> some hard judgments on the

> first list I was on and now I don't dare to write my mind on the

>lists.

I can relate

Bagira