Re: Advice / Frustrated / Vent

[Guest guest]

Wow sorry you are going through this!! I too have a mother who does her own thing, no matter what we say. She also doesn't get Aspergers and will make comments like she can " fix " our daughter and that if we went to church (HER type of church) and prayed more God would make it all better. This is going to be a problem forever. At least it is with our mother. She is too wrapped up in HER HER that everything else sorta falls through the cracks. It might be best to put the brakes on completely with the mom till it gets through her head that she needs to hear you out and respect your opinions. That will be pretty hard. Or maybe family therapy sessions might work (my mom doesn't believe in therapy). I need suggestions and a vent please…. Sorry if this is long……situation: Last night we went to my in-laws farm. Kids had fun picking watermelon, veggies and feeding cows with us, my FIL, SIL and BIL. We got rather muddy (clothes) since we had a boatload of rain yesterday. We get back up to the house and my MIL lets the kids play in the sink, something I don’t let them do since our water rates are crazy. (The MIL knows EXACTLY how I feel about playing in the sink)Anyways, it’s just wasteful especially when we have been so dry, almost a drought. I teach my kids to be conservative and not waste things. It was getting late and we wanted to get back home. Our daughter started screaming and crying, like blood curdling screams saying “No, I don’t want to go, I want to stay here†Then she started screaming she wanted to go to Dairy Queen, the cabinet shop, a gas station and the house with the blue roof….. (The blue roof and cabinet shop she has never been to before it’s just what she does) Then Meltdown mode….. My MIL is saying everything opposite that we are while we are trying to get her out of there. She questioned our parenting (we were being calm). I finally told her it is not because she wants to stay there with her. I told her she does this at the grocery store, gymnastics, the park, even at the doctor’s office where she hates to go. My MIL looks at me and said so you have degraded me and compared me to a grocery store? My husband said it’s not a comparison this is just what she does and this is a meltdown and has nothing with wanting to stay here. He tried to once again explain the behaviors and when she doesn’t get her way ect…. SO they STILL don’t get it! UGH! She said more crap I couldn’t even hear over the meltdown. My MIL said it wasn’t a meltdown and if we would let her take care of it these wouldn’t happen! (She means spanking the crap out of her with a wooden spoon) I swear I want to scream when she degrades us like that and suggests this can be cured with beatings/spankings, it can’t! She doesn’t realize how hurtful and unsupportive it is to us. She doesn’t understand how this attitude of hers is extremely destructive and why we won’t send our 4 year old into a place where my MIL is just wanting and waiting to spank her, just to “prove†to us she can fix her. OH and it also drives me nuts when she tries to teach my daughter to be subjugated. What irks me the most is she does this in a soft spoken yet condescending way. UGH! After I got her in the car my MIL said some stupid crap about how she is only crying because I don’t let her have play dates with her. We do not let her go to my in-laws alone because they don’t have a clue and defy EVERYTHING we ask/tell them not to do with our daughter. It’s so important for consistency. They (MIL) say “What mommy and daddy won’t let you do, we willâ€. Yes they really tell that to a four year old. Also she is allergic to some foods, they try to feed her the stuff she is allergic to and they say don’t worry, you know God will take care of everything….. WTF? I don’t want to sound blasphemous but that’s dangerous and really stupid. Their nonchalant attitude really triggers us. She thinks if we feed her foods she is allergic to it will make the allergy go away? Several weeks ago I had a talk with her, she criticized us and I got diarrhea of the mouth and everything that we had a problem with came flying out. There were no sugarcoated words it felt very good to get it off my chest but then she started crying but no tears. I don’t know if it was fake or not? (I do know every time I have ever cried tears come out.) My husband came in from work asked what was going on, his mom told him, and he said OK now are we clear? I think his mom wanted him to side with her. It’s a mess and it seems like she still doesn’t want to understand. Not to mention it’s not about sides. Anyways, I feel like this is such a toxic situation at times. We all still get along or at least pretend like we do. We just feel like we are always doing damage control when she is around. I do love my in-laws and they are good to us. It is just this situation we really need help with correcting. I don’t know if this helps but for what it is worth she is condescending to my SIL too. If you’re not blood or their religion you get treated differently. Is there a book to help her get it? It would have to be in layman’s terms. She told us she got it in April, clearly she didn’t get it at all. Thanks in advance!

[Guest guest]

Yes, my mother is like this as well. She has never accepted anything about me (Aspergers), I was and am still just lazy, stupid and bratty (okay not the bratty part now lol), and she is like this with both my sons and my nephew who was just recently dx'd with autism.   to her it's all about bad parenting.  She will never accept anything other than what she perceives to be the truth.  My dad sides with her because, after all, she has been a mother for 30+ years. argh!  She raised a kid (me) with issues and believed spankings til torn skin was the only way to curb my behavior.  It DIDN " T WORK, and she did apologize to me when I was 27 that she hadn't figured out spankings were not working on me, she said she should have just put me in a group home or something (she used to threaten me with Juvey). Last spanking I got I was 17 years old.

Some are just not willing to accept that there is more to this than brattiness and bad parenting.Ashton (Aspie Mom with 2 Autistic sons)

 

Wow sorry you are going through this!!  I too have a mother who does her own thing, no matter what we say.  She also doesn't get Aspergers and will make comments like she can " fix " our daughter and that if we went to church (HER type of church) and prayed more God would make it all better.  This is going to be a problem forever.  At least it is with our mother.  She is too wrapped up in HER HER that everything else sorta falls through the cracks.   It might be best to put the brakes on completely with the mom till it gets through her head that she needs to hear you out and respect your opinions.  That will be pretty hard.  Or maybe family therapy sessions might work (my mom doesn't believe in therapy).

   I need suggestions and a vent please…. Sorry if this is long……situation:

  Last night we went to my in-laws farm. Kids had fun picking watermelon, veggies and feeding cows with us, my FIL, SIL and BIL. We got rather muddy (clothes) since we had a boatload of rain yesterday.

  We get back up to the house and my MIL lets the kids play in the sink, something I don’t let them do since our water rates are crazy. (The MIL knows EXACTLY how I feel about playing in the sink)Anyways, it’s just wasteful especially when we have been so dry, almost a drought. I teach my kids to be conservative and not waste things.

  It was getting late and we wanted to get back home. Our daughter started screaming and crying, like blood curdling screams saying “No, I don’t want to go, I want to stay here” Then she started screaming she wanted to go to Dairy Queen, the cabinet shop, a gas station and the house with the blue roof…..  (The blue roof and cabinet shop she has never been to before it’s just what she does) Then Meltdown mode…..  My MIL is saying everything opposite that we are while we are trying to get her out of there. She questioned our parenting (we were being calm). I finally told her it is not because she wants to stay there with her. I told her she does this at the grocery store, gymnastics, the park, even at the doctor’s office where she hates to go. My MIL looks at me and said so you have degraded me and compared me to a grocery store?

  My husband said it’s not a comparison this is just what she does and this is a meltdown and has nothing with wanting to stay here. He tried to once again explain the behaviors and when she doesn’t get her way ect…. SO they STILL don’t get it! UGH! She said more crap I couldn’t even hear over the meltdown. My MIL said it wasn’t a meltdown and if we would let her take care of it these wouldn’t happen! (She means spanking the crap out of her with a wooden spoon) I swear I want to scream when she degrades us like that and suggests this can be cured with beatings/spankings, it can’t! She doesn’t realize how hurtful and unsupportive it is to us. She doesn’t understand how this attitude of hers is extremely destructive and why we won’t send our 4 year old into a place where my MIL is just wanting and waiting to spank her, just to “prove” to us she can fix her. OH and it also drives me nuts when she tries to teach my daughter to be subjugated.  What irks me the most is she does this in a soft spoken yet condescending way. UGH!

  After I got her in the car my MIL said some stupid crap about how she is only crying because I don’t let her have play dates with her. We do not let her go to my in-laws alone because they don’t have a clue and defy EVERYTHING we ask/tell them not to do with our daughter. It’s so important for consistency. They (MIL) say “What mommy and daddy won’t let you do, we will”. Yes they really tell that to a four year old. Also she is allergic to some foods, they try to feed her the stuff she is allergic to and they say don’t worry, you know God will take care of everything….. WTF? I don’t want to sound blasphemous but that’s dangerous and really stupid. Their nonchalant attitude really triggers us. She thinks if we feed her foods she is allergic to it will make the allergy go away?

    Several weeks ago I had a talk with her, she criticized us and I got diarrhea of the mouth and everything that we had a problem with came flying out. There were no sugarcoated words it felt very good to get it off my chest but then she started crying but no tears. I don’t know if it was fake or not? (I do know every time I have ever cried tears come out.) My husband came in from work asked what was going on, his mom told him, and he said OK now are we clear? I think his mom wanted him to side with her. It’s a mess and it seems like she still doesn’t want to understand. Not to mention it’s not about sides.

  Anyways, I feel like this is such a toxic situation at times. We all still get along or at least pretend like we do. We just feel like we are always doing damage control when she is around. I do love my in-laws and they are good to us. It is just this situation we really need help with correcting. I don’t know if this helps but for what it is worth she is condescending to my SIL too. If you’re not blood or their religion you get treated differently.

    Is there a book to help her get it? It would have to be in layman’s terms. She told us she got it in April, clearly she didn’t get it at all.  

  Thanks in advance!   

[Guest guest]

Hello , I enjoyed reading your letter about your problems you are having with your in-laws. It is true, some people really have great difficulty accepting anything new into their heads about any subject. I don’t know what it is other than they are just stubborn and inflexible and set in their ways and think they know it all and their way is the one and only way.

With me I have not had so much trouble with other people but have had the biggest challenge with my own self. It took quite awhile but at last I accepted I was like that too, I think we are all like that actually in varying degrees. Think it is simply human nature.

So it has been many many years of constant growth and development for me, and I have learned that some people if not many people, don’t seem to be interested in growing and developing. To me the funniest thing I see is young people who think they already know it ALL, bad enough older people do it after all their years of experience where they should have developed and grown, but many young people today are worse!

So I would say just focus on the task at hand with your daughter, you will go through much growth if you are willing. It will help you to understand her, but you will mostly learn to understand yourself and those around you. And if you are willing, you will grow in much understanding about what makes us all tick and will be able to make improvements.

I have been doing this for over 50 years, my severely autistic son will be 48 this month, and my grandson was just 8 last month. He is lucky I have been through so much already with my son and learned how to love him and accept him for the individual he is. Those days of searching for answers I well remember, and if you want to listen to this short cut, not that anybody ever listens to their elders, where you need to focus is on yourself.

Really I learned this, took much hard work, and much time, but am quite happy with myself now, nobody can push me around anymore. I am different and do not need their approval or admiration, which I never got anyway. For example I was to see my 94 year old mom the other day, and she said these words among others, “I hate you, I never did love you, go home†da, da, da. She keeps trying to make me think I caused all her problems, da, da, da.

Mom is an example of a person who never worked on herself, and realized SHE was her own worst enemy.

It is not me mom, it is you.

Shortcut if you want it. Takes time and persistence but can be accomplished!

Carolyn in Oregon

From: darkumbra@...

Sent: Friday, August 03, 2012 7:52 AM

To: autism-aspergers

Subject: RE: Advice / Frustrated / Vent

Wow sorry you are going through this!! I too have a mother who does her own thing, no matter what we say. She also doesn't get Aspergers and will make comments like she can "fix" our daughter and that if we went to church (HER type of church) and prayed more God would make it all better. This is going to be a problem forever. At least it is with our mother. She is too wrapped up in HER HER that everything else sorta falls through the cracks. It might be best to put the brakes on completely with the mom till it gets through her head that she needs to hear you out and respect your opinions. That will be pretty hard. Or maybe family therapy sessions might work (my mom doesn't believe in therapy).

I need suggestions and a vent please…. Sorry if this is long……situation:

Last night we went to my in-laws farm. Kids had fun picking watermelon, veggies and feeding cows with us, my FIL, SIL and BIL. We got rather muddy (clothes) since we had a boatload of rain yesterday.

We get back up to the house and my MIL lets the kids play in the sink, something I don’t let them do since our water rates are crazy. (The MIL knows EXACTLY how I feel about playing in the sink)Anyways, it’s just wasteful especially when we have been so dry, almost a drought. I teach my kids to be conservative and not waste things.

It was getting late and we wanted to get back home. Our daughter started screaming and crying, like blood curdling screams saying “No, I don’t want to go, I want to stay here†Then she started screaming she wanted to go to Dairy Queen, the cabinet shop, a gas station and the house with the blue roof….. (The blue roof and cabinet shop she has never been to before it’s just what she does) Then Meltdown mode….. My MIL is saying everything opposite that we are while we are trying to get her out of there. She questioned our parenting (we were being calm). I finally told her it is not because she wants to stay there with her. I told her she does this at the grocery store, gymnastics, the park, even at the doctor’s office where she hates to go. My MIL looks at me and said so you have degraded me and compared me to a grocery store?

My husband said it’s not a comparison this is just what she does and this is a meltdown and has nothing with wanting to stay here. He tried to once again explain the behaviors and when she doesn’t get her way ect…. SO they STILL don’t get it! UGH! She said more crap I couldn’t even hear over the meltdown. My MIL said it wasn’t a meltdown and if we would let her take care of it these wouldn’t happen! (She means spanking the crap out of her with a wooden spoon) I swear I want to scream when she degrades us like that and suggests this can be cured with beatings/spankings, it can’t! She doesn’t realize how hurtful and unsupportive it is to us. She doesn’t understand how this attitude of hers is extremely destructive and why we won’t send our 4 year old into a place where my MIL is just wanting and waiting to spank her, just to “prove†to us she can fix her. OH and it also drives me nuts when she tries to teach my daughter to be subjugated. What irks me the most is she does this in a soft spoken yet condescending way. UGH!

After I got her in the car my MIL said some stupid crap about how she is only crying because I don’t let her have play dates with her. We do not let her go to my in-laws alone because they don’t have a clue and defy EVERYTHING we ask/tell them not to do with our daughter. It’s so important for consistency. They (MIL) say “What mommy and daddy won’t let you do, we willâ€. Yes they really tell that to a four year old. Also she is allergic to some foods, they try to feed her the stuff she is allergic to and they say don’t worry, you know God will take care of everything….. WTF? I don’t want to sound blasphemous but that’s dangerous and really stupid. Their nonchalant attitude really triggers us. She thinks if we feed her foods she is allergic to it will make the allergy go away?

Several weeks ago I had a talk with her, she criticized us and I got diarrhea of the mouth and everything that we had a problem with came flying out. There were no sugarcoated words it felt very good to get it off my chest but then she started crying but no tears. I don’t know if it was fake or not? (I do know every time I have ever cried tears come out.) My husband came in from work asked what was going on, his mom told him, and he said OK now are we clear? I think his mom wanted him to side with her. It’s a mess and it seems like she still doesn’t want to understand. Not to mention it’s not about sides.

Anyways, I feel like this is such a toxic situation at times. We all still get along or at least pretend like we do. We just feel like we are always doing damage control when she is around. I do love my in-laws and they are good to us. It is just this situation we really need help with correcting. I don’t know if this helps but for what it is worth she is condescending to my SIL too. If you’re not blood or their religion you get treated differently.

Is there a book to help her get it? It would have to be in layman’s terms. She told us she got it in April, clearly she didn’t get it at all.

Thanks in advance!

[Guest guest]

Good Lord it's almost like our Moms are related! Yes, my mother is like this as well. She has never accepted anything about me (Aspergers), I was and am still just lazy, stupid and bratty (okay not the bratty part now lol), and she is like this with both my sons and my nephew who was just recently dx'd with autism.   to her it's all about bad parenting.  She will never accept anything other than what she perceives to be the truth.  My dad sides with her because, after all, she has been a mother for 30+ years. argh!  She raised a kid (me) with issues and believed spankings til torn skin was the only way to curb my behavior.  It DIDN " T WORK, and she did apologize to me when I was 27 that she hadn't figured out spankings were not working on me, she said she should have just put me in a group home or something (she used to threaten me with Juvey). Last spanking I got I was 17 years old. Some are just not willing to accept that there is more to this than brattiness and bad parenting. Ashton (Aspie Mom with 2 Autistic sons)   Wow sorry you are going through this!!  I too have a mother who does her own thing, no matter what we say.  She also doesn't get Aspergers and will make comments like she can " fix " our daughter and that if we went to church (HER type of church) and prayed more God would make it all better.  This is going to be a problem forever.  At least it is with our mother.  She is too wrapped up in HER HER that everything else sorta falls through the cracks.   It might be best to put the brakes on completely with the mom till it gets through her head that she needs to hear you out and respect your opinions.  That will be pretty hard.  Or maybe family therapy sessions might work (my mom doesn't believe in therapy).     I need suggestions and a vent please…. Sorry if this is long……situation:   Last night we went to my in-laws farm. Kids had fun picking watermelon, veggies and feeding cows with us, my FIL, SIL and BIL. We got rather muddy (clothes) since we had a boatload of rain yesterday.   We get back up to the house and my MIL lets the kids play in the sink, something I don’t let them do since our water rates are crazy. (The MIL knows EXACTLY how I feel about playing in the sink)Anyways, it’s just wasteful especially when we have been so dry, almost a drought. I teach my kids to be conservative and not waste things.   It was getting late and we wanted to get back home. Our daughter started screaming and crying, like blood curdling screams saying “No, I don’t want to go, I want to stay here†Then she started screaming she wanted to go to Dairy Queen, the cabinet shop, a gas station and the house with the blue roof…..  (The blue roof and cabinet shop she has never been to before it’s just what she does) Then Meltdown mode…..  My MIL is saying everything opposite that we are while we are trying to get her out of there. She questioned our parenting (we were being calm). I finally told her it is not because she wants to stay there with her. I told her she does this at the grocery store, gymnastics, the park, even at the doctor’s office where she hates to go. My MIL looks at me and said so you have degraded me and compared me to a grocery store?   My husband said it’s not a comparison this is just what she does and this is a meltdown and has nothing with wanting to stay here. He tried to once again explain the behaviors and when she doesn’t get her way ect…. SO they STILL don’t get it! UGH! She said more crap I couldn’t even hear over the meltdown. My MIL said it wasn’t a meltdown and if we would let her take care of it these wouldn’t happen! (She means spanking the crap out of her with a wooden spoon) I swear I want to scream when she degrades us like that and suggests this can be cured with beatings/spankings, it can’t! She doesn’t realize how hurtful and unsupportive it is to us. She doesn’t understand how this attitude of hers is extremely destructive and why we won’t send our 4 year old into a place where my MIL is just wanting and waiting to spank her, just to “prove†to us she can fix her. OH and it also drives me nuts when she tries to teach my daughter to be subjugated.  What irks me the most is she does this in a soft spoken yet condescending way. UGH!   After I got her in the car my MIL said some stupid crap about how she is only crying because I don’t let her have play dates with her. We do not let her go to my in-laws alone because they don’t have a clue and defy EVERYTHING we ask/tell them not to do with our daughter. It’s so important for consistency. They (MIL) say “What mommy and daddy won’t let you do, we willâ€. Yes they really tell that to a four year old. Also she is allergic to some foods, they try to feed her the stuff she is allergic to and they say don’t worry, you know God will take care of everything….. WTF? I don’t want to sound blasphemous but that’s dangerous and really stupid. Their nonchalant attitude really triggers us. She thinks if we feed her foods she is allergic to it will make the allergy go away?     Several weeks ago I had a talk with her, she criticized us and I got diarrhea of the mouth and everything that we had a problem with came flying out. There were no sugarcoated words it felt very good to get it off my chest but then she started crying but no tears. I don’t know if it was fake or not? (I do know every time I have ever cried tears come out.) My husband came in from work asked what was going on, his mom told him, and he said OK now are we clear? I think his mom wanted him to side with her. It’s a mess and it seems like she still doesn’t want to understand. Not to mention it’s not about sides.   Anyways, I feel like this is such a toxic situation at times. We all still get along or at least pretend like we do. We just feel like we are always doing damage control when she is around. I do love my in-laws and they are good to us. It is just this situation we really need help with correcting. I don’t know if this helps but for what it is worth she is condescending to my SIL too. If you’re not blood or their religion you get treated differently.     Is there a book to help her get it? It would have to be in layman’s terms. She told us she got it in April, clearly she didn’t get it at all.     Thanks in advance!   

[Guest guest]

Honestly? You asked for advice right? Here's mine- take what works leave what won't.1) let go of how she treats SIL- that's not for you to fix- it will just add stress.I own what's mine. 2) I'd be simple but firm- you know like with a child trying to manipulate their way.- you won't talk to us about our parenting.-you won't interrupt us during a melt down.-kids aren't coming here with out us.-you won't hit our kids.No name calling- no past issues- no baggage- simply concise boundaries.Then i would add- you are family- we'd like you to be a part of our lives-You've raised your kids- we will raise ours for better or worse. Not respecting boundaries disrupts me too much- I will not be around anything that causes more negative stress in our lives.Period.And if she starts be rating you- don't engage in fight- some people see the fight as a means to get their way. Simply leave.Your sanity and your family's sanity depends on it/What's amazing is your have your husbands support!You can't change them- stop trying.Focus on you, your marriage and your children-The world is not going to understand it the way you do- it is your path to walk.I've learned the hard way- if they don't walk it- they don't get it- find supportive people in your life who do and keep contact with negative disruptive people to a minimum and on your terms.Sent from my iPhone

I need suggestions and a vent please…. Sorry if this is long……situation:

Last night we went to my in-laws farm. Kids had fun picking

watermelon, veggies and feeding cows with us, my FIL, SIL and BIL. We got

rather muddy (clothes) since we had a boatload of rain yesterday.

We get back up to the house and my MIL lets the kids play in

the sink, something I don’t let them do since our water rates are crazy. (The

MIL knows EXACTLY how I feel about playing in the sink)Anyways, it’s just

wasteful especially when we have been so dry, almost a drought. I teach my kids

to be conservative and not waste things.

It was getting late and we wanted to get back home. Our

daughter started screaming and crying, like blood curdling screams saying “No,

I don’t want to go, I want to stay here†Then she started screaming she wanted

to go to Dairy Queen, the cabinet shop, a gas station and the house with the

blue roof….. (The blue roof and cabinet

shop she has never been to before it’s just what she does) Then Meltdown mode…..

My MIL is saying everything opposite that

we are while we are trying to get her out of there. She questioned our

parenting (we were being calm). I finally told her it is not because she wants

to stay there with her. I told her she does this at the grocery store,

gymnastics, the park, even at the doctor’s office where she hates to go. My MIL

looks at me and said so you have degraded me and compared me to a grocery

store?

My husband said it’s not a comparison this is just what she

does and this is a meltdown and has nothing with wanting to stay here. He tried

to once again explain the behaviors and when she doesn’t get her way ect…. SO

they STILL don’t get it! UGH! She said more crap I couldn’t even hear over the

meltdown. My MIL said it wasn’t a meltdown and if we would let her take care of

it these wouldn’t happen! (She means spanking the crap out of her with a wooden

spoon) I swear I want to scream when she degrades us like that and suggests

this can be cured with beatings/spankings, it can’t! She doesn’t realize how

hurtful and unsupportive it is to us. She doesn’t understand how this attitude

of hers is extremely destructive and why we won’t send our 4 year old into a

place where my MIL is just wanting and waiting to spank her, just to “prove†to

us she can fix her. OH and it also drives me nuts when she tries to teach my

daughter to be subjugated. What irks me

the most is she does this in a soft spoken yet condescending way. UGH!

After I got her in the car my MIL said some stupid crap about

how she is only crying because I don’t let her have play dates with her. We do

not let her go to my in-laws alone because they don’t have a clue and defy

EVERYTHING we ask/tell them not to do with our daughter. It’s so important for consistency.

They (MIL) say “What mommy and daddy won’t let you do, we willâ€. Yes they

really tell that to a four year old. Also she is allergic to some foods, they

try to feed her the stuff she is allergic to and they say don’t worry, you know

God will take care of everything….. WTF? I don’t want to sound blasphemous but

that’s dangerous and really stupid. Their nonchalant attitude really triggers

us. She thinks if we feed her foods she is allergic to it will make the allergy

go away?

Several weeks ago I had a talk with her, she criticized us

and I got diarrhea of the mouth and everything that we had a problem with came

flying out. There were no sugarcoated words it felt very good to get it off my

chest but then she started crying but no tears. I don’t know if it was fake or

not? (I do know every time I have ever cried tears come out.) My husband came

in from work asked what was going on, his mom told him, and he said OK now are

we clear? I think his mom wanted him to side with her. It’s a mess and it seems

like she still doesn’t want to understand. Not to mention it’s not about sides.

Anyways, I feel like this is such a toxic situation at

times. We all still get along or at least pretend like we do. We just feel like

we are always doing damage control when she is around. I do love my in-laws and

they are good to us. It is just this situation we really need help with

correcting. I don’t know if this helps but for what it is worth she is condescending

to my SIL too. If you’re not blood or their religion you get treated

differently.

Is there a book to help her get it? It would have to be in

layman’s terms. She told us she got it in April, clearly she didn’t get it at

all.

Thanks in advance!

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the replies. I really appreciate it. It was

more a vent, it just irks me and it helped just to get it out.

La,

I hope your daughters father will come around. I hope you

get support from others.

Ashton and ,

I am sorry you guys have to go through that too.

Jane,

I usually practice your suggestions already, I was so tired

and irked when I wrote that post. I have been told I am vocal and matter of

fact. I appreciate being reminded, I think where I get lost is my in-laws are

important to our kids. When we have lessened the time spent with them the kids

miss them. As for SIL I don’t worry

about their relationship I was merely comparing the lack of support for “outsidersâ€,

people marrying into their family. It is amazing and I do know how lucky I am

to have my husband’s support. I feel sad

for those whose husbands are not supportive. To: "autism-aspergers " <autism-aspergers > Cc: "autism-aspergers " <autism-aspergers > Sent: Friday, August 3, 2012 3:23 PM Subject: Re:

Advice / Frustrated / Vent

Honestly? You asked for advice right? Here's mine- take what works leave what won't.1) let go of how she treats SIL- that's not for you to fix- it will just add stress.I own what's mine. 2) I'd be simple but firm- you know like with a child trying to manipulate their way.- you won't talk to us about our parenting.-you won't interrupt us during a melt down.-kids aren't coming here with out us.-you won't hit our kids.No name calling- no past issues- no baggage- simply concise boundaries.Then i would add- you are family- we'd like you to be a part of our lives-You've raised your kids- we will raise ours for better or worse. Not respecting boundaries disrupts me too much- I will not be around anything that causes more negative stress in our

lives.Period.And if she starts be rating you- don't engage in fight- some people see the fight as a means to get their way. Simply leave.Your sanity and your family's sanity depends on it/What's amazing is your have your husbands support!You can't change them- stop trying.Focus on you, your marriage and your children-The world is not going to understand it the way you do- it is your path to walk.I've learned the hard way- if they don't walk it- they don't get it- find supportive people in your life who do and keep contact with negative disruptive people to a minimum and on your terms.Sent from my iPhone

I need suggestions and a vent please…. Sorry if this is long……situation:

Last night we went to my in-laws farm. Kids had fun picking

watermelon, veggies and feeding cows with us, my FIL, SIL and BIL. We got

rather muddy (clothes) since we had a boatload of rain yesterday.

We get back up to the house and my MIL lets the kids play in

the sink, something I don’t let them do since our water rates are crazy. (The

MIL knows EXACTLY how I feel about playing in the sink)Anyways, it’s just

wasteful especially when we have been so dry, almost a drought. I teach my kids

to be conservative and not waste things.

It was getting late and we wanted to get back home. Our

daughter started screaming and crying, like blood curdling screams saying “No,

I don’t want to go, I want to stay here†Then she started screaming she wanted

to go to Dairy Queen, the cabinet shop, a gas station and the house with the

blue roof….. (The blue roof and cabinet

shop she has never been to before it’s just what she does) Then Meltdown mode…..

My MIL is saying everything opposite that

we are while we are trying to get her out of there. She questioned our

parenting (we were being calm). I finally told her it is not because she wants

to stay there with her. I told her she does this at the grocery store,

gymnastics, the park, even at the doctor’s office where she hates to go. My MIL

looks at me and said so you have degraded me and compared me to a grocery

store?

My husband said it’s not a comparison this is just what she

does and this is a meltdown and has nothing with wanting to stay here. He tried

to once again explain the behaviors and when she doesn’t get her way ect…. SO

they STILL don’t get it! UGH! She said more crap I couldn’t even hear over the

meltdown. My MIL said it wasn’t a meltdown and if we would let her take care of

it these wouldn’t happen! (She means spanking the crap out of her with a wooden

spoon) I swear I want to scream when she degrades us like that and suggests

this can be cured with beatings/spankings, it can’t! She doesn’t realize how

hurtful and unsupportive it is to us. She doesn’t understand how this attitude

of hers is extremely destructive and why we won’t send our 4 year old into a

place where my MIL is just wanting and waiting to spank her, just to “prove†to

us she can fix her. OH and it also drives me nuts when she tries to teach my

daughter to be subjugated. What irks me

the most is she does this in a soft spoken yet condescending way. UGH!

After I got her in the car my MIL said some stupid crap about

how she is only crying because I don’t let her have play dates with her. We do

not let her go to my in-laws alone because they don’t have a clue and defy

EVERYTHING we ask/tell them not to do with our daughter. It’s so important for consistency.

They (MIL) say “What mommy and daddy won’t let you do, we willâ€. Yes they

really tell that to a four year old. Also she is allergic to some foods, they

try to feed her the stuff she is allergic to and they say don’t worry, you know

God will take care of everything….. WTF? I don’t want to sound blasphemous but

that’s dangerous and really stupid. Their nonchalant attitude really triggers

us. She thinks if we feed her foods she is allergic to it will make the allergy

go away?

Several weeks ago I had a talk with her, she criticized us

and I got diarrhea of the mouth and everything that we had a problem with came

flying out. There were no sugarcoated words it felt very good to get it off my

chest but then she started crying but no tears. I don’t know if it was fake or

not? (I do know every time I have ever cried tears come out.) My husband came

in from work asked what was going on, his mom told him, and he said OK now are

we clear? I think his mom wanted him to side with her. It’s a mess and it seems

like she still doesn’t want to understand. Not to mention it’s not about sides.

Anyways, I feel like this is such a toxic situation at

times. We all still get along or at least pretend like we do. We just feel like

we are always doing damage control when she is around. I do love my in-laws and

they are good to us. It is just this situation we really need help with

correcting. I don’t know if this helps but for what it is worth she is condescending

to my SIL too. If you’re not blood or their religion you get treated

differently.

Is there a book to help her get it? It would have to be in

layman’s terms. She told us she got it in April, clearly she didn’t get it at

all.

Thanks in advance!