Re: New Member, parent... need help

[Guest guest]

I've been in the group for quite awhile now- and we have this issue as well. I'm very interested in what the responses will be. We have 4 kids- 3 sons, then a daughter.  Our oldest is the aspergers/adhd/ODD child. He can be amazing- but he can also be horrendous to his younger brother (the next one in the birth order) He is a bully to him, says he hates him, teases him, hits him, breaks his things etc.  The younger two don't seem to get any of this from him.  Because it's so focused on that son, the dynamics are very challenging.  I'm aware that my next son is painfully aware that he's the target- and doesn't know why.  I appreciate Pete bringing this to light because I believe this is a huge issue in some of our families, and frankly, I'm with him- i don't know what to do. 

Thanks Pete- for sharing part of your story and shining a light on this painful spot in the journey. -heather r

 

Hi everyone, I am a new member to the group. My name is Pete and I have an 8 year old son and a 6 year old son. I'm very very involved with my boys and there's nothing I want more than to spend all the time I can with them.

My 8 year old, S, has " aspergery " symptoms and I'd like to ask for advice or experiences with respect to how he treats his younger brother, B. In school, he is an angel, follows all the rules, participates in class, is well-respected by his peers (I volunteer in his classes and his friends tell me a lot that he's such a nice boy, good boy, incredibly smart boy).. it's great to hear.

He makes great eye contact, is very literal minded, loves small engine repair and lawn mowers, as well as and lawn maintenance with his mowers (I supervise everything).. has made money repairing neighbors' mowers.. self taught on youtube (also supervised).. I never knew anything about engines but I sure do now! Picky eater, doesn't like trying new foods.. recently we got him a kitten whom he just LOVES and takes great care of. In general, to this point, our " therapy " has been just educating him about the ways of the world, encouraging him and helping him pursue his strengths and interests.. reading everything we can

He's very good with his friends... empathetic, giving.. plays beautifully with them.. doesn't do the " monopolizing conversations " thing with his interests in lawn mowers.. understands that it's an interest he has but others his age probably aren't interested in it (this isn't something we taught.. he just knows it)

My main concern right now is that at home, he can be very very mean to his younger brother. Always criticizing him, telling him he hates him, telling him he's fat.. when they actually do play together they have a GREAT time.. they always seem the happiest when they are playing alone together... S even helps B through trouble he might be having, turns into a wonderful big brother/parent role when we're not present (we're watching from inside)... but more and more lately they don't play together and S is just very mean to B. He's the same to us, his parents.. saying he hates us regularly, but I kind of expect that because we're the ones correcting him and trying to get him to stop being mean to his little brother.

In general, I am concerned because S seems to have a lot of " anger " inside him.. he always seems very very angry at home. I've been reading all the books I can.. he seems to be most like a " rule boy " from the book I am currently reading, but our attempts to introduce a schedule and/or rules at home have failed previously (but I'm not all the way through the book yet).. he accepts that kind of structure from his teachers, etc.. just not from my wife and I.

My wife is a child Occupational Therapist and has lots of ideas as to what will help him, a listening program, brushing.. that might help, but he doesn't want to do either of them. He's very sensitive to the idea that there is something " wrong " with him.. so it's hard to get across that he really SHOULD let us do the therapies we know about..

Anyway, there is sooo much I can tell you about him.. and I'm just getting started with the group.. honestly right now it's the " anger " that he seems to have inside him that is my biggest concern.. I just want him to like playing with his brother again, or at least, stop being mean to him.

Thank you for reading..

Pete

[Guest guest]

My pleasure and thank you for sharing yours and your support. I should

have mentioned, S definitely seems to have ODD as well. This too is incredibly

challenging at times!

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > Hi everyone, I am a new member to the group. My name is Pete and I have an

> > 8 year old son and a 6 year old son. I'm very very involved with my boys

> > and there's nothing I want more than to spend all the time I can with them.

> >

> > My 8 year old, S, has " aspergery " symptoms and I'd like to ask for advice

> > or experiences with respect to how he treats his younger brother, B. In

> > school, he is an angel, follows all the rules, participates in class, is

> > well-respected by his peers (I volunteer in his classes and his friends

> > tell me a lot that he's such a nice boy, good boy, incredibly smart boy)..

> > it's great to hear.

> >

> > He makes great eye contact, is very literal minded, loves small engine

> > repair and lawn mowers, as well as and lawn maintenance with his mowers (I

> > supervise everything).. has made money repairing neighbors' mowers.. self

> > taught on youtube (also supervised).. I never knew anything about engines

> > but I sure do now! Picky eater, doesn't like trying new foods.. recently we

> > got him a kitten whom he just LOVES and takes great care of. In general, to

> > this point, our " therapy " has been just educating him about the ways of the

> > world, encouraging him and helping him pursue his strengths and interests..

> > reading everything we can

> >

> > He's very good with his friends... empathetic, giving.. plays beautifully

> > with them.. doesn't do the " monopolizing conversations " thing with his

> > interests in lawn mowers.. understands that it's an interest he has but

> > others his age probably aren't interested in it (this isn't something we

> > taught.. he just knows it)

> >

> > My main concern right now is that at home, he can be very very mean to his

> > younger brother. Always criticizing him, telling him he hates him, telling

> > him he's fat.. when they actually do play together they have a GREAT time..

> > they always seem the happiest when they are playing alone together... S

> > even helps B through trouble he might be having, turns into a wonderful big

> > brother/parent role when we're not present (we're watching from inside)...

> > but more and more lately they don't play together and S is just very mean

> > to B. He's the same to us, his parents.. saying he hates us regularly, but

> > I kind of expect that because we're the ones correcting him and trying to

> > get him to stop being mean to his little brother.

> >

> > In general, I am concerned because S seems to have a lot of " anger " inside

> > him.. he always seems very very angry at home. I've been reading all the

> > books I can.. he seems to be most like a " rule boy " from the book I am

> > currently reading, but our attempts to introduce a schedule and/or rules at

> > home have failed previously (but I'm not all the way through the book

> > yet).. he accepts that kind of structure from his teachers, etc.. just not

> > from my wife and I.

> >

> > My wife is a child Occupational Therapist and has lots of ideas as to what

> > will help him, a listening program, brushing.. that might help, but he

> > doesn't want to do either of them. He's very sensitive to the idea that

> > there is something " wrong " with him.. so it's hard to get across that he

> > really SHOULD let us do the therapies we know about..

> >

> > Anyway, there is sooo much I can tell you about him.. and I'm just getting

> > started with the group.. honestly right now it's the " anger " that he seems

> > to have inside him that is my biggest concern.. I just want him to like

> > playing with his brother again, or at least, stop being mean to him.

> >

> > Thank you for reading..

> > Pete

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I think your wife is right on with the OT stuff. My girl too is neurotic about nothing being "wrong" with her. I happen to have a chronic illness, as do many people countless countless discussion about people and all their little idiosyncrasies....I mean REALLY, who is normal? Lol. We all got something. Also countless discussion about making mistakes, we ALL do. We also got an incredible play therapist on board, has helped tremendously. Trust me, this kid has taught me about anger in ways I never wanted to know, BUT it's way better than it was...all those things have helped. You guys are NOT alone..DebiSent from my iPhone My pleasure and thank you for sharing yours and your support. I should have mentioned, S definitely seems to have ODD as well. This too is incredibly challenging at times! > > > **> >> >> > Hi everyone, I am a new member to the group. My name is Pete and I have an> > 8 year old son and a 6 year old son. I'm very very involved with my boys> > and there's nothing I want more than to spend all the time I can with them.> >> > My 8 year old, S, has "aspergery" symptoms and I'd like to ask for advice> > or experiences with respect to how he treats his younger brother, B. In> > school, he is an angel, follows all the rules, participates in class, is> > well-respected by his peers (I volunteer in his classes and his friends> > tell me a lot that he's such a nice boy, good boy, incredibly smart boy)..> > it's great to hear.> >> > He makes great eye contact, is very literal minded, loves small engine> > repair and lawn mowers, as well as and lawn maintenance with his mowers (I> > supervise everything).. has made money repairing neighbors' mowers.. self> > taught on youtube (also supervised).. I never knew anything about engines> > but I sure do now! Picky eater, doesn't like trying new foods.. recently we> > got him a kitten whom he just LOVES and takes great care of. In general, to> > this point, our "therapy" has been just educating him about the ways of the> > world, encouraging him and helping him pursue his strengths and interests..> > reading everything we can> >> > He's very good with his friends... empathetic, giving.. plays beautifully> > with them.. doesn't do the "monopolizing conversations" thing with his> > interests in lawn mowers.. understands that it's an interest he has but> > others his age probably aren't interested in it (this isn't something we> > taught.. he just knows it)> >> > My main concern right now is that at home, he can be very very mean to his> > younger brother. Always criticizing him, telling him he hates him, telling> > him he's fat.. when they actually do play together they have a GREAT time..> > they always seem the happiest when they are playing alone together... S> > even helps B through trouble he might be having, turns into a wonderful big> > brother/parent role when we're not present (we're watching from inside)...> > but more and more lately they don't play together and S is just very mean> > to B. He's the same to us, his parents.. saying he hates us regularly, but> > I kind of expect that because we're the ones correcting him and trying to> > get him to stop being mean to his little brother.> >> > In general, I am concerned because S seems to have a lot of "anger" inside> > him.. he always seems very very angry at home. I've been reading all the> > books I can.. he seems to be most like a "rule boy" from the book I am> > currently reading, but our attempts to introduce a schedule and/or rules at> > home have failed previously (but I'm not all the way through the book> > yet).. he accepts that kind of structure from his teachers, etc.. just not> > from my wife and I.> >> > My wife is a child Occupational Therapist and has lots of ideas as to what> > will help him, a listening program, brushing.. that might help, but he> > doesn't want to do either of them. He's very sensitive to the idea that> > there is something "wrong" with him.. so it's hard to get across that he> > really SHOULD let us do the therapies we know about..> >> > Anyway, there is sooo much I can tell you about him.. and I'm just getting> > started with the group.. honestly right now it's the "anger" that he seems> > to have inside him that is my biggest concern.. I just want him to like> > playing with his brother again, or at least, stop being mean to him.> >> > Thank you for reading..> > Pete> >> > > >>

[Guest guest]

Hi Pete, I want to welcome you to this group. I am Carolyn and the parent of a son Marty who is very autistic and is 48 years old now who has had many difficult problems in his life, and a grandson Lucas who is 8. Your son sounds a lot like my grandson. He is very smart and articulate also and can be very very nice and also very hostile. He is nicer than I have ever seen any boy be when he is nice it is wonderful and amazing he is so nice, and he has no problem throwing out angry blunt insulting comments when he doesn’t want to be nice. You just never know what mood he might be in.

He comes over just about every day to swim in the heated pool I had installed mostly for him, but his older brother age 12, and his sister age 15 also enjoy the pool sometimes with their friends. I thought it would be good therapy for Lucas to swim, as he has gone to physical therapy where they swing him in a large swing he stands on, and have him walk on balance beams and that sort of thing. Something about developing the balance system in his body. And as it turns out he has turned into a really good swimmer, when he was little he was really afraid of water.

The thing that worries me is that his bigger brother can sometimes be VERY mean to his younger brother with the mild autism. He says he hates him and he wants him to go away because he bothers him so much, and insists there is nothing wrong with him and he is faking his autism. For example, he recently asked permission to bring a friend over to swim and then when he got over here he had a fit when he saw his younger brother was already over swimming, his mom had brought him, and refused to swim with his friend unless he got out! And Lucas longs to be accepted. Well I bawled the older brother out sternly, first time I have really got on him that intensely and in front of his friend too. He has been very hard to handle for about 6 months now and tries to take over his mom and me, we attribute to hormonal changes, and I shouted to him with all the authority I could muster; “If you do not get in that pool with your brother right now I am going to take away your cell phone, your bike, your x-box and everything else I’ve bought you and you are going to be grounded for a month!!â€

It was great as I saw a look of fear and respect in his eyes, and he backed down and got in the pool with his brother and they were out there having fun at least 2 hours, but I sat in the back yard to make sure they weren’t mean to the younger brother, and he wasn’t! And I did apologize to the friend, and he said, “I don’t blame you.â€

Guess I’m just saying brothers do act this way and I don’t know why, but know we can stand up to them and demand proper behavior from them, and show our authority. Lucas doesn’t have a younger sibling but if he did I would not let him be mean to him.

You are right there is so much we could say, I admire your son learning how to fix engines, my grandson is very into art, he draws dozens of telephone poles, he seems to know every one in town. Over last year his art really improved and he can do perspective and detail and it is amazing. He also loves to memorize movies and play characters out of them, usually the villain. He got in trouble last year at school for that, was being disruptive and sent to the principals office, and I told him he could not act like this character anymore at school. He was a really evil guy out of a King movie. My daughter is a movie nuts and lets him watch about everything, she things it develops his artistic side and I don’t doubt it does.

Well that is it for now, love to talk and share experiences, think it is great you are involved and spend time at school. That is so great! All will work out I think as we love our kids and devote ourselves to their needs over time.

Talk to you again soon,

Carolyn in Springfield, Oregon, got real hot today, 95 we’ve barely broken 70 all summer so this is hot to us! ;o)

From: peteclark333@...

Sent: Saturday, August 04, 2012 2:50 PM

To: autism-aspergers

Subject: New Member, parent... need help

Hi everyone, I am a new member to the group. My name is Pete and I have an 8 year old son and a 6 year old son. I'm very very involved with my boys and there's nothing I want more than to spend all the time I can with them. My 8 year old, S, has "aspergery" symptoms and I'd like to ask for advice or experiences with respect to how he treats his younger brother, B. In school, he is an angel, follows all the rules, participates in class, is well-respected by his peers (I volunteer in his classes and his friends tell me a lot that he's such a nice boy, good boy, incredibly smart boy).. it's great to hear. He makes great eye contact, is very literal minded, loves small engine repair and lawn mowers, as well as and lawn maintenance with his mowers (I supervise everything).. has made money repairing neighbors' mowers.. self taught on youtube (also supervised).. I never knew anything about engines but I sure do now! Picky eater, doesn't like trying new foods.. recently we got him a kitten whom he just LOVES and takes great care of. In general, to this point, our "therapy" has been just educating him about the ways of the world, encouraging him and helping him pursue his strengths and interests.. reading everything we can He's very good with his friends... empathetic, giving.. plays beautifully with them.. doesn't do the "monopolizing conversations" thing with his interests in lawn mowers.. understands that it's an interest he has but others his age probably aren't interested in it (this isn't something we taught.. he just knows it) My main concern right now is that at home, he can be very very mean to his younger brother. Always criticizing him, telling him he hates him, telling him he's fat.. when they actually do play together they have a GREAT time.. they always seem the happiest when they are playing alone together... S even helps B through trouble he might be having, turns into a wonderful big brother/parent role when we're not present (we're watching from inside)... but more and more lately they don't play together and S is just very mean to B. He's the same to us, his parents.. saying he hates us regularly, but I kind of expect that because we're the ones correcting him and trying to get him to stop being mean to his little brother. In general, I am concerned because S seems to have a lot of "anger" inside him.. he always seems very very angry at home. I've been reading all the books I can.. he seems to be most like a "rule boy" from the book I am currently reading, but our attempts to introduce a schedule and/or rules at home have failed previously (but I'm not all the way through the book yet).. he accepts that kind of structure from his teachers, etc.. just not from my wife and I. My wife is a child Occupational Therapist and has lots of ideas as to what will help him, a listening program, brushing.. that might help, but he doesn't want to do either of them. He's very sensitive to the idea that there is something "wrong" with him.. so it's hard to get across that he really SHOULD let us do the therapies we know about.. Anyway, there is sooo much I can tell you about him.. and I'm just getting started with the group.. honestly right now it's the "anger" that he seems to have inside him that is my biggest concern.. I just want him to like playing with his brother again, or at least, stop being mean to him. Thank you for reading.. Pete

[Guest guest]

Pete, Your S is my E. Very similar. I have 3 girls, the two oldest have Aspergers.I have been devastated by the things that my child is capable in feeling for her younger sister (interestingly enough she has much more patience for her neurotypical sister than the sister more like her). She is also quite angry. she is almost 10 and does have some issues with keeping friends, she gets very frustrated with them as well, but her teachers would say the same thing as your son's. She saves all the " good " stuff for us. I have taken her and her sister out of public school and it has helped a bit. We took away the outside stress and home, over time, has gotten better. We also do a LOT of talking about kindness, empathy, we read Winner's bood " Being a Social Detective " and talk about comfortable and uncomfortable thought.s We talk a LOT about " going with the flow " and giving people the benefit of the doubt. " maybe she didn't mean to elbow you, she just moved her elbow and you were there, is that possible? " That happened about 45 minutes ago.

I don't have a lot of advice, but you're not alone!!

 

Hi everyone, I am a new member to the group. My name is Pete and I have an 8 year old son and a 6 year old son. I'm very very involved with my boys and there's nothing I want more than to spend all the time I can with them.

My 8 year old, S, has " aspergery " symptoms and I'd like to ask for advice or experiences with respect to how he treats his younger brother, B. In school, he is an angel, follows all the rules, participates in class, is well-respected by his peers (I volunteer in his classes and his friends tell me a lot that he's such a nice boy, good boy, incredibly smart boy).. it's great to hear.

He makes great eye contact, is very literal minded, loves small engine repair and lawn mowers, as well as and lawn maintenance with his mowers (I supervise everything).. has made money repairing neighbors' mowers.. self taught on youtube (also supervised).. I never knew anything about engines but I sure do now! Picky eater, doesn't like trying new foods.. recently we got him a kitten whom he just LOVES and takes great care of. In general, to this point, our " therapy " has been just educating him about the ways of the world, encouraging him and helping him pursue his strengths and interests.. reading everything we can

He's very good with his friends... empathetic, giving.. plays beautifully with them.. doesn't do the " monopolizing conversations " thing with his interests in lawn mowers.. understands that it's an interest he has but others his age probably aren't interested in it (this isn't something we taught.. he just knows it)

My main concern right now is that at home, he can be very very mean to his younger brother. Always criticizing him, telling him he hates him, telling him he's fat.. when they actually do play together they have a GREAT time.. they always seem the happiest when they are playing alone together... S even helps B through trouble he might be having, turns into a wonderful big brother/parent role when we're not present (we're watching from inside)... but more and more lately they don't play together and S is just very mean to B. He's the same to us, his parents.. saying he hates us regularly, but I kind of expect that because we're the ones correcting him and trying to get him to stop being mean to his little brother.

In general, I am concerned because S seems to have a lot of " anger " inside him.. he always seems very very angry at home. I've been reading all the books I can.. he seems to be most like a " rule boy " from the book I am currently reading, but our attempts to introduce a schedule and/or rules at home have failed previously (but I'm not all the way through the book yet).. he accepts that kind of structure from his teachers, etc.. just not from my wife and I.

My wife is a child Occupational Therapist and has lots of ideas as to what will help him, a listening program, brushing.. that might help, but he doesn't want to do either of them. He's very sensitive to the idea that there is something " wrong " with him.. so it's hard to get across that he really SHOULD let us do the therapies we know about..

Anyway, there is sooo much I can tell you about him.. and I'm just getting started with the group.. honestly right now it's the " anger " that he seems to have inside him that is my biggest concern.. I just want him to like playing with his brother again, or at least, stop being mean to him.

Thank you for reading..

Pete

[Guest guest]

My son hates the next one in birth order too. They were two years apart, 24 mo. exactly. He is 9 and has hated/ disliked his sister since she was BORN. She was sleeping as an infant in another room I might add in her infant swing. He takes a VHS tape and bangs her on the head with it! What did that sleeping baby do to him I wondered? None of his answers for why he is aggressive are logical to us. "Why did you hit her?" answer: "She touched my bed" Ok, did she do something to your bed? No, she just touched it!!! Why did you push her on the stairs? She was in my way! Ok, but don't you realize if you push her on the stairs she could fall and get really hurt? Yes. Ok, then why

did you push her? She WAS IN MY WAY!! Can't you wait, what is your rush? I'm not in a hurry. And we go in a circle like this. To: autism-aspergers Sent: Saturday, August 4, 2012 7:37 PM Subject: Re: New Member, parent... need help

I've been in the group for quite awhile now- and we have this issue as well. I'm very interested in what the responses will be. We have 4 kids- 3 sons, then a daughter. Our oldest is the aspergers/adhd/ODD child. He can be amazing- but he can also be horrendous to his younger brother (the next one in the birth order) He is a bully to him, says he hates him, teases him, hits him, breaks his things etc. The younger two don't seem to get any of this from him. Because it's so focused on that son, the dynamics are very challenging. I'm aware that my next son is painfully aware that he's the target- and doesn't know why. I appreciate Pete bringing this to light because I believe this is a huge issue in some of our families, and frankly, I'm with him- i don't know what to do.

Thanks Pete- for sharing part of your story and shining a light on this painful spot in the journey. -heather r

Hi everyone, I am a new member to the group. My name is Pete and I have an 8 year old son and a 6 year old son. I'm very very involved with my boys and there's nothing I want more than to spend all the time I can with them.

My 8 year old, S, has "aspergery" symptoms and I'd like to ask for advice or experiences with respect to how he treats his younger brother, B. In school, he is an angel, follows all the rules, participates in class, is well-respected by his peers (I volunteer in his classes and his friends tell me a lot that he's such a nice boy, good boy, incredibly smart boy).. it's great to hear.

He makes great eye contact, is very literal minded, loves small engine repair and lawn mowers, as well as and lawn maintenance with his mowers (I supervise everything).. has made money repairing neighbors' mowers.. self taught on youtube (also supervised).. I never knew anything about engines but I sure do now! Picky eater, doesn't like trying new foods.. recently we got him a kitten whom he just LOVES and takes great care of. In general, to this point, our "therapy" has been just educating him about the ways of the world, encouraging him and helping him pursue his strengths and interests.. reading everything we can

He's very good with his friends... empathetic, giving.. plays beautifully with them.. doesn't do the "monopolizing conversations" thing with his interests in lawn mowers.. understands that it's an interest he has but others his age probably aren't interested in it (this isn't something we taught.. he just knows it)

My main concern right now is that at home, he can be very very mean to his younger brother. Always criticizing him, telling him he hates him, telling him he's fat.. when they actually do play together they have a GREAT time.. they always seem the happiest when they are playing alone together... S even helps B through trouble he might be having, turns into a wonderful big brother/parent role when we're not present (we're watching from inside)... but more and more lately they don't play together and S is just very mean to B. He's the same to us, his parents.. saying he hates us regularly, but I kind of expect that because we're the ones correcting him and trying to get him to stop being mean to his little brother.

In general, I am concerned because S seems to have a lot of "anger" inside him.. he always seems very very angry at home. I've been reading all the books I can.. he seems to be most like a "rule boy" from the book I am currently reading, but our attempts to introduce a schedule and/or rules at home have failed previously (but I'm not all the way through the book yet).. he accepts that kind of structure from his teachers, etc.. just not from my wife and I.

My wife is a child Occupational Therapist and has lots of ideas as to what will help him, a listening program, brushing.. that might help, but he doesn't want to do either of them. He's very sensitive to the idea that there is something "wrong" with him.. so it's hard to get across that he really SHOULD let us do the therapies we know about..

Anyway, there is sooo much I can tell you about him.. and I'm just getting started with the group.. honestly right now it's the "anger" that he seems to have inside him that is my biggest concern.. I just want him to like playing with his brother again, or at least, stop being mean to him.

Thank you for reading..

Pete

[Guest guest]

Welcome, Pete,I'm a grandmother who has raised my 10 yr old grandson since birth He has PDD-NOS. Now, he doesn't have any siblings at home, but he does have 3 cousins nearby who are ALMOST like siblings as they spend a lot of time together. He absolutely adores the eldest who is 2 yrs older than him and who has Aspergers, but...the twin boys who are 2 yrs younger than my grandson is a different story. (both twins are on the spectrum, I'm sure, though undiagnosed) One, in particular, he openly hates. It's extremely difficult because it's very hard to separate them. Most of the time I try to just have playdates between the eldest who is 12 and Sky but there are family dinners and times I have to watch all four of them -- it is trying, to say the least.Silas, the

one who is most annoying to Sky, irritates him primarily because he is always "too close" and gives Sky no space. He's always touching him, and hanging over him, etc. This drives Sky mad. The other thing he does is talk incessantly and bombard Sky with questions which Sky thinks are "dumb" and not worthy of his time to answer. This makes him mad, too. So, these two things are the main reasons Sky doesn't like Silas. My question is, I guess, is there anything you can pinpoint that might set off your son against his younger brother?The other thing is the good boy at school vs. the bad boy at home. This is extremely common. The reason your son acts out at home is because it is a safe place to do the acting out. School isn't. All kinds of behaviors we see at home are often not seen in the outside world and sometimes this can be very frustrating for the parent. Now, the anger issue is also pretty

common, too, among these kids, I think. The other twin grandson of mine has deep-seated anger issues with really intense meltdowns and times when he seriously tries to hurt his twin brother. My daughter is currently seeking a therapist to help him deal with this. Meanwhile, Jasper spends an awful lot of time up in his bedroom doing time-outs. I don't think it's ODD --- it's ASD. You know, ever neurotypical kids fight with their siblings and they often hate each other intensely (until they grow up!) Maybe a child on the spectrum is just less able to deal with these feelings of sibling rivalry.Good luck. To: autism-aspergers Sent: Saturday, August 4, 2012 5:50 PM Subject: New Member, parent... need help

Hi everyone, I am a new member to the group. My name is Pete and I have an 8 year old son and a 6 year old son. I'm very very involved with my boys and there's nothing I want more than to spend all the time I can with them.

My 8 year old, S, has "aspergery" symptoms and I'd like to ask for advice or experiences with respect to how he treats his younger brother, B. In school, he is an angel, follows all the rules, participates in class, is well-respected by his peers (I volunteer in his classes and his friends tell me a lot that he's such a nice boy, good boy, incredibly smart boy).. it's great to hear.

He makes great eye contact, is very literal minded, loves small engine repair and lawn mowers, as well as and lawn maintenance with his mowers (I supervise everything).. has made money repairing neighbors' mowers.. self taught on youtube (also supervised).. I never knew anything about engines but I sure do now! Picky eater, doesn't like trying new foods.. recently we got him a kitten whom he just LOVES and takes great care of. In general, to this point, our "therapy" has been just educating him about the ways of the world, encouraging him and helping him pursue his strengths and interests.. reading everything we can

He's very good with his friends... empathetic, giving.. plays beautifully with them.. doesn't do the "monopolizing conversations" thing with his interests in lawn mowers.. understands that it's an interest he has but others his age probably aren't interested in it (this isn't something we taught.. he just knows it)

My main concern right now is that at home, he can be very very mean to his younger brother. Always criticizing him, telling him he hates him, telling him he's fat.. when they actually do play together they have a GREAT time.. they always seem the happiest when they are playing alone together... S even helps B through trouble he might be having, turns into a wonderful big brother/parent role when we're not present (we're watching from inside)... but more and more lately they don't play together and S is just very mean to B. He's the same to us, his parents.. saying he hates us regularly, but I kind of expect that because we're the ones correcting him and trying to get him to stop being mean to his little brother.

In general, I am concerned because S seems to have a lot of "anger" inside him.. he always seems very very angry at home. I've been reading all the books I can.. he seems to be most like a "rule boy" from the book I am currently reading, but our attempts to introduce a schedule and/or rules at home have failed previously (but I'm not all the way through the book yet).. he accepts that kind of structure from his teachers, etc.. just not from my wife and I.

My wife is a child Occupational Therapist and has lots of ideas as to what will help him, a listening program, brushing.. that might help, but he doesn't want to do either of them. He's very sensitive to the idea that there is something "wrong" with him.. so it's hard to get across that he really SHOULD let us do the therapies we know about..

Anyway, there is sooo much I can tell you about him.. and I'm just getting started with the group.. honestly right now it's the "anger" that he seems to have inside him that is my biggest concern.. I just want him to like playing with his brother again, or at least, stop being mean to him.

Thank you for reading..

Pete

[Guest guest]

Your situation sounds like mine a few years ago! Although it's my younger son who has aspergers. He was diagnosed in grade 2, and back then he was so violent against our older son who was in grade 4 at the time. Luckily our older son is very easy going and very athletic - he was able to get out of the way before getting hurt - and he never fought back! The episodes were so violent we took him for counseling, thinking he had anger problems! Turned out it was aspergers syndrome.

Like your son, he made eye contact (but not always, and better with some than with others), he was polite, respectful and nice at school, very much a follow the rule guy etc. We were told he was actually not always doing well at school but was masking many of his feelings of hurt, frustration etc, until he got home. By then so much was building up inside of him it just all came out at once -and because his brother took it so well, he became the target of a lot of anger. Home was his "safe" place, where he didn't have to use all his energy, masking his true feelings, trying to be like everyone else. So actually he wasn't doing as well at school as we thought - but he was getting very good at hiding what was going on in his mind!

As they have grown, now ready to start grade 10 and grade 12, he is much better at handling his emotions and no longer attacks his brother, although he is very mean verbally. We no longer have him fighting his brother or trying to hurt him physically - his differences keep them apart which is sad because they always played very well together (when we weren't having AS episodes! ) Hopefully as they grow older they will become friends again!

Estevan, SK

Canada

-- New Member, parent... need help

Hi everyone, I am a new member to the group. My name is Pete and I have an 8 year old son and a 6 year old son. I'm very very involved with my boys and there's nothing I want more than to spend all the time I can with them. My 8 year old, S, has "aspergery" symptoms and I'd like to ask for advice or experiences with respect to how he treats his younger brother, B. In school, he is an angel, follows all the rules, participates in class, is well-respected by his peers (I volunteer in his classes and his friends tell me a lot that he's such a nice boy, good boy, incredibly smart boy).. it's great to hear. He makes great eye contact, is very literal minded, loves small engine repair and lawn mowers, as well as and lawn maintenance with his mowers (I supervise everything).. has made money repairing neighbors' mowers.. self taught on youtube (also supervised).. I never knew anything about engines but I sure do now! Picky eater, doesn't like trying new foods.. recently we got him a kitten whom he just LOVES and takes great care of. In general, to this point, our "therapy" has been just educating him about the ways of the world, encouraging him and helping him pursue his strengths and interests.. reading everything we can He's very good with his friends... empathetic, giving.. plays beautifully with them.. doesn't do the "monopolizing conversations" thing with his interests in lawn mowers.. understands that it's an interest he has but others his age probably aren't interested in it (this isn't something we taught.. he just knows it) My main concern right now is that at home, he can be very very mean to his younger brother. Always criticizing him, telling him he hates him, telling him he's fat.. when they actually do play together they have a GREAT time.. they always seem the happiest when they are playing alone together... S even helps B through trouble he might be having, turns into a wonderful big brother/parent role when we're not present (we're watching from inside)... but more and more lately they don't play together and S is just very mean to B. He's the same to us, his parents.. saying he hates us regularly, but I kind of expect that because we're the ones correcting him and trying to get him to stop being mean to his little brother. In general, I am concerned because S seems to have a lot of "anger" inside him.. he always seems very very angry at home. I've been reading all the books I can.. he seems to be most like a "rule boy" from the book I am currently reading, but our attempts to introduce a schedule and/or rules at home have failed previously (but I'm not all the way through the book yet).. he accepts that kind of structure from his teachers, etc.. just not from my wife and I. My wife is a child Occupational Therapist and has lots of ideas as to what will help him, a listening program, brushing.. that might help, but he doesn't want to do either of them. He's very sensitive to the idea that there is something "wrong" with him.. so it's hard to get across that he really SHOULD let us do the therapies we know about.. Anyway, there is sooo much I can tell you about him.. and I'm just getting started with the group.. honestly right now it's the "anger" that he seems to have inside him that is my biggest concern.. I just want him to like playing with his brother again, or at least, stop being mean to him. Thank you for reading.. Pete

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[Guest guest]

Whether as kids or adults, we tend to feel safer at home, so our

family gets the 'uncensored' version of how we feel.  As I fast

approach 50 I would like to think it is something we grow out of,

but so far the evidence is lacking.  We learn to cope better, and

learn better ways of expressing ourselves, but I suspect it is

always going to be family that get to see us at our worse.  The more

we learn to cope with life, the better things get at home because we

have less frustration to express.

On 7/08/2012 10:23 AM,

wmgodfrey@... wrote:

 

Your situation sounds like mine a few

years ago! Although it's my younger son who

has aspergers. He was diagnosed in grade 2,

and back then he was so violent against our

older son who was in grade 4 at the time.

Luckily our older son is very easy going and

very athletic - he was able to get out of

the way before getting hurt - and he never

fought back!  The episodes were so violent

we took him for counseling, thinking he had

anger problems! Turned out it was aspergers

syndrome. 

 

Like your son, he made eye contact (but

not always, and better with some than with

others), he was polite, respectful and nice

at school, very much a follow the rule guy

etc.  We were told he was actually not

always doing well at school but was masking

many of his feelings of hurt, frustration

etc, until he got home. By then so much was

building up inside of him it just all came

out at once -and because his brother took it

so well, he became the target of a lot of

anger. Home was his "safe" place, where he

didn't have to use all his energy, masking

his true feelings, trying to be like

everyone else.  So actually he wasn't doing

as well at school as we thought - but he was

getting very good at hiding what was going

on in his mind! 

 

As they have grown, now ready to start

grade 10 and grade 12, he is much better at

handling his emotions and no longer attacks

his brother, although he is very mean

verbally.  We no longer have him fighting

his brother or trying to hurt him physically

- his differences keep them apart which is

sad because they always played very well

together (when we weren't having AS

episodes! ) Hopefully as they grow older

they will become friends again!

 

Estevan, SK

Canada

 

 

 

 

-------Original

Message-------

 

From:

peteclark333@...

Date:

8/4/2012 4:48:32 PM

To:

autism-aspergers

Subject:

New Member, parent...

need help

 

 

Hi everyone, I am a new member to the

group. My name is Pete and I have an 8

year old son and a 6 year old son. I'm

very very involved with my boys and

there's nothing I want more than to spend

all the time I can with them.

My 8 year old, S, has "aspergery" symptoms

and I'd like to ask for advice or

experiences with respect to how he treats

his younger brother, B. In school, he is

an angel, follows all the rules,

participates in class, is well-respected

by his peers (I volunteer in his classes

and his friends tell me a lot that he's

such a nice boy, good boy, incredibly

smart boy).. it's great to hear.

He makes great eye contact, is very

literal minded, loves small engine repair

and lawn mowers, as well as and lawn

maintenance with his mowers (I supervise

everything).. has made money repairing

neighbors' mowers.. self taught on youtube

(also supervised).. I never knew anything

about engines but I sure do now! Picky

eater, doesn't like trying new foods.. re!

cently we got him a kitten whom he just

LOVES and takes great care of. In general,

to this point, our "therapy" has been just

educating him about the ways of the world,

encouraging him and helping him pursue his

strengths and interests.. reading

everything we can

He's very good with his friends...

empathetic, giving.. plays beautifully

with them.. doesn't do the "monopolizing

conversations" thing with his interests in

lawn mowers.. understands that it's an

interest he has but others his age

probably aren't interested in it (this

isn't something we taught.. he just knows

it)

My main concern right now is that at home,

he can be very very mean to his younger

brother. Always criticizing him, telling

him he hates him, telling him he's fat..

when they actually do play together they

have a GREAT time.. they always seem the

happiest when they are playing alone

together... S even helps B through trouble

he might be having, turns into a wonderful

big brother/parent ro! le when we're not

present (we're watching from inside)...

but more and more lately they don't play

together and S is just very mean to B.

He's the same to us, his parents.. saying

he hates us regularly, but I kind of

expect that because we're the ones

correcting him and trying to get him to

stop being mean to his little brother.

In general, I am concerned because S seems

to have a lot of "anger" inside him.. he

always seems very very angry at home. I've

been reading all the books I can.. he

seems to be most like a "rule boy" from

the book I am currently reading, but our

attempts to introduce a schedule and/or

rules at home have failed previously (but

I'm not all the way through the book

yet).. he accepts that kind of structure

from his teachers, etc.. just not from my

wife and I.

My wife is a child Occupational Therapist

and has lots of ideas as to what will help

him, a listening program, brushing.. that

might help, but he doesn't want to do

either of them. He's very sensitive to the

idea that there is something "wrong" with

hi! m.. so it's hard to get across that he

really SHOULD let us do the therapies we

know about..

Anyway, there is sooo much I can tell you

about him.. and I'm just getting started

with the group.. honestly right now it's

the "anger" that he seems to have inside

him that is my biggest concern.. I just

want him to like playing with his brother

again, or at least, stop being mean to

him.

Thank you for reading..

Pete

 

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