scwormy inside

[Guest guest]

After reading Carols post last night and crying I felt at peace. I

woke up this morning feeling soo full of saddness. I have been

scwormy ( my word) restless inside all day. Boy this is really

stirring stuff up inside.

What came up first thing was I have been healing and patiently waiting

for 11 years to have a life partner- another child and a house to call

our own and money enough to pay the bills. Why haven't I gotten it

yet. I was angry at God. What is wrong with me that these things

haven't come. What comes up when I do the work is obviously I

shouldn't have the things because - I don't. As if what I have isn't

enough.

I feel like I am going around in circles with the work. The word not

enough keeps coming up though. ( Ifeel like I should either be in an

intensive or a mental institute- all this stuff is bombarding me) I

have been doing the work enough to hear katie in my head saying

wanting something other that what you have right now is causing you to

miss out on the experience of this moment.

God I could just scream- I feel so frustrated inside as if my mind

just doesn't want to see something.

Oh my God! just now it hit me- I had to stop and do the work and cry.

Sometimes the work just goes on in my head and I don't have to write

it down on paper - it just goes....

So you don't have enough?

Is it true?

no

How do I feel when I think that thought? So frustrated- I want it

even more - angry and resentful at all the people that have what I want.

How do I treat me- oh so bad-- I mentally batter myself - you should

have these things by now. What is wrong with you - you can't even

support you and your daughter etc......

How do I treat others when I think I don't have enough... They become

invisible.. All I can focus on is what I want and don't have.. Trying

to find ways to get it. Always afraid I am not going to get it. I can

be not very nice.

Can I see a reason to drop this? most definetly

Who would I be- free and happy and more loving and accepting

I do have enough!

Then I imaginged myself telling my daugher - honey I love you but your

not enough - I need a husband and another child and then I lost it.

My heart just fell open - because she is more than enough- she is

incredible.

Just imagined telling all my friends and people who love and cherish

me.. I love you but your not enough.. I need more..

Even telling myself that...

Boy does this hit home because I just have been livid with my

ex-boyfriend because he loves me but I am not enough for him -- he

wants more-- and whats funny (now not then) was he is afraid he is not

going to get what he wants ( in a woman)!!!!

I hope this post wasn't too long for eveyone. It literally happened as

I was typing.

Love and Peace,