Re: Guilt and Parenting

[Guest guest]

None of us is ever a perfect parent! My middle daughter was depressed for about

a year and is just fine now.

We tried meds, but it didn't help and the dr. was awful!! We switched to a dr.

that didn't believe in meds and he gave us the book " How to listen so kids will

talk and how to talk so kids will listen " (or something like that!) and then my

hubby and I went to counseling to learn how to set families rules and

boundaries. She was so much better within weeks! At the time I didn't know

about BP, but I did know that my nada had influenced my parenting - I did

everything the opposite! But I worked on changing what needed to be changed and

tried not to feel too guilty - that doesn't help!! Hang in there! ADD is not

life threatening and can be dealt with!! I have some books that I don't need

any longer, if you would like to read them.

Ilene in TX

[Guest guest]

j,

I'm not a parent (yet), but I think I can understand your

position. I agree with Ilene, NO ONE is a perfect parent. And

I think it's great that you are working on yourself and trying

hard to give your kids what they need -- I think you are to be

commended for this! So few parents have the courage to do this.

And NO, it's not too late to be the parent they need. You

don't mention the ages of your children, but kids are AMAZINGLY

resilient. And you are taking steps to help them with wherever

they're at RIGHT NOW -- that is very loving and validating.

Even now, as an adult, I think it would be incredibly healing

for me if my mother were able to find the strength to be a

better parent (not holding my breath though .

A while ago Edith pointed the list to this site for ADD --

http://www.scatteredminds.com (my bro has ADD, and my hubby

thinks he might have it). It's a wonderful site... we bought

the book (I haven't finished it yet), and it makes so much

sense. I think the author does a really good job of NOT beating

up on the parents for being less than perfect (you may find this

validating).

Hang in there... do your best to silence that inner critic

that's telling you you're " no good " . You are a good person,

otherwise you wouldn't be working on yourself, and trying to be

a better parent for your children.

Big hugs,

Anon

<<

--- clueless99us@... wrote:

I'm sitting here drowning in guilt. I'm trying not to but, I

just can't stop. I feel like a rotten parent. I'm not BP but

sometimes I think I was on the verge of becoming BP, becoming

her. I'd have to die. I couldn't do that to my children. But

I have allowed my fleas to hurt my children. It's in the past

but it still feel sooo guilty. I should've been stronger,

recognized my depression sooner, been more emotionally availible

for them.

I " ve suspected for years that one of my children is ADD. Hubby

wouldn't hear of it. Finally, did what I needed to do for my

child. Everything is ok now. Very low dose of meds only on

school days. My oldest son is depressed. He's now seeing

someone. My dr. laughing wants to know if that ADD is generic

and can I guess what parent my son inherited it from. That was

a no brainer. So, I've been reading and reading.

Right now, I can't tell up from down. What poor parenting

skill/behavior is from what? Where does the ADD issue begin and

the fleas end? Am I to blame for my son's depression? I know

not having the ADD diagnoised early has allowed some of his

behaviors to eat away at his self-esteem. Did I push or

slightly rage and hurt him? Is it to late to be the parent he

needs?

I feel better for having typed. Thanks for being here.

j

>>

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[Guest guest]

Anon,

Thanks for the support, it's just what I need. I really was a

great/fun/loving mom when my children were smaller. They're

between 10-13 now and as they've aged I've struggled with not

being emotionally supportive and empathic enough. I've always had

walls. My husband just respects them since he's not pushed outside of

them to often. I realized that for some reason my kids were outside

my walls. It's been a very difficult 2-3 year process to bring them

down. At some point, I became aware of my fleas. I just didnt' realize

what they were. Thank goodness for good doctors.

I really feel like a great parent now most of the time. It's just so

difficult to see one of your children in pain. And to realize

that had you researched harder that maybe you could've helped

earlier.

Knowing that you're doing ok and rationally telling yourself that

everything will be fine doesn't always translate into feeling ok. I

feel so much better now. I talked to my son's dr and she said definit

depression and ADD with him. She also told me not to feel bad that

both my sons are very smart and intutive children. They've managed to

keep their grades up and avoid getting 'caught' with ADD. It's not my

fault.

Sometimes trying to untwist everything is so hard. This list makes it

so much easier.

j