freaking out

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much for the calming words and knowing I am not alone.

This morning my fiance asked if I wanted him to take me to a grief counselor, and I said I wouldn't know whom to even go to. He was the one who suggested I write to "my group" for support or ideas.

Yes, the part about not being in control and not knowing what will happen is the scariest thing.

Thank you so much.

G.

From: Helene <Hclark@...>Subject: RE: Freaking Out Date: Sunday, May 18, 2008, 1:27 PM

G -

Yes. I have totally freaked out. I felt like I couldn't contain how scared and upset I was.

It didn't even feel like me. My husband (the one with CLL) couldn't calm me down. I told him I was upset about something else...which was partially true...cause I didn't want him to think he was causing me so much pain and worry. I was also triggered by a friend with myeloma who got some bad news...and then some other friends who got good news....and I felt I couldn't stop anything terrible happening.

Anyhow, I don't have an answer on how to avoid such things or feel better. Just to say your reaction makes complete sense to me. Unfortunately, lots of times the logical reaction - of terror, despair - is not a very good coping mechanism, so we have to get out of that.

And, from being on this forum and reading some others, I know that if it didn't hit so close to home, I would say...there is a lot of good long-term survival, tremendous scientific advances, pretty good quality of life for many....and bad luck for some. But you could have bad luck even if you didn't have CLL.

You called 911 because you were momentarily out of control, and the usual supports, like your fiance and sister didn't seem like they'd work. You wanted it to stop! So you took drastic action. Thank goodness, you calmed down after a while.

My advice is to try and get in touch with the little part of you inside that is afraid of being out of control and work with her....so she knows that such situations will pass.

After you get good news from your blood tests, you will be in better shape to work on this.

Please let us know how they go.

E.

Freaking Out

Has anyone just totally freaked out with this stuff? I totally lost it last night. Overreaction to hearing yesterday that a friend of mine died of cancer. Last summer when I saw him, he thought he was in remission. Then over the winter his significant other told me he was not doing very well. When I say I freaked out last night, I just could not stop crying. Got so hysterical, I called 911 thinking I just wanted to be in a white room. Ended up with the cops coming to calm me down. They told my fiance to maybe take me to the emergency room for a sedative. He drove me around for a while and to the park until I quieted down. My sister, who was visitng and sleeping upstairs, couldn't understand why I had to call the 911 when both of them were around to help me. I don't either.I'm dreading my blood tests Tuesday.Thanks for listeningG.

[Guest guest]

G.

I am pretty new to the forum, and don't know if there is a way to look at member posts.

So, forgive me for asking you to repost, but what is your situation? Markers, trends, etc?

If we all knew more, we might be able to comment more concretely on why you can feel better.

E.

Heléne , Ph.D., Director

ActKnowledge

365 Fifth Avenue

New York, New York 10016

212.817.1906

www.actknowledge.org

www.theoryofchange.org

Freaking Out

Has anyone just totally freaked out with this stuff? I totally lost it last night. Overreaction to hearing yesterday that a friend of mine died of cancer. Last summer when I saw him, he thought he was in remission. Then over the winter his significant other told me he was not doing very well. When I say I freaked out last night, I just could not stop crying. Got so hysterical, I called 911 thinking I just wanted to be in a white room. Ended up with the cops coming to calm me down. They told my fiance to maybe take me to the emergency room for a sedative. He drove me around for a while and to the park until I quieted down. My sister, who was visitng and sleeping upstairs, couldn't understand why I had to call the 911 when both of them were around to help me. I don't either.I'm dreading my blood tests Tuesday.Thanks for listeningG.

[Guest guest]

I suspect that the posts you've gotten are only the tip of the iceberg. Going into or waiting for labs and other tests is the most stressful part of all of this. One of the counselors at UCLA told me that people with chronic cancers like CLL often manage, obviously with good and bad days, for several years and then are suddenly hit with the whole thing for no apparent reason.

My biggest melt down was last month. I had just received the best labs I've ever had - everything in the normal range (I was in kidney failure when I was finally diagnosed) and I had only two weeks left of radiation treatment for breast cancer after a lumpectomy with clean margins. I went into the Cancer Center in Oxnard to find out what kinds of programs they had to offer, went back to my car and completely fell apart. I think sometimes it's when the pressure is finally a bit less that we feel things more because we have more time to think instead of having to be doing whatever. I also find that stupid little things, like the sweet potatoes and mashed potatoes, set me off more than bigger things. I guess we pull ourselves together when we really need to and are most vulnerable when we relax.

A grief group might prove very helpful. I have a friend who lost her husband recently and she is in a group sponsored by The Wellness Community. I know they have sites around the country. I found them by googling the name. She is finding it to be very helpful. Many hospitals also have cancer centers which include grief counseling or groups. They also have groups for patients and family members/significant others and social workers and psychologists who work with people individually. I've tried a couple of groups and found that they weren't right for me as they were focused on one thing and I'm trying to balance two, but I do work with two of the counselors at UCLA who have gotten me through many down times.

I love the idea of going out and shooting up your cancer. I may find a range and a teacher (I need my feet) and try it myself.

As for guilt, let it go. Your sister and fiance obviously love you and will survive this. It may be a good opening for discussions with them about things you haven't been able to talk about, either with a counselor or just at home. It's hard for friends and loved ones to know what to say to be supportive. I find it is sometimes easier to talk to strangers about my cancer than people I'm close to. It will also give all of you a new perspective which will allow you to be there for someone else someday. Just as it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a village to get through this life. This group is a wonderful part of our village. You chose a good place to come for support.

Pat**************Wondering what's for Dinner Tonight? Get new twists on family favorites at AOL Food. (http://food.aol.com/dinner-tonight?NCID=aolfod00030000000001)

[Guest guest]

Geraldine,

I don't think your reaction was totally out of order; trying to come to grips with bad news is not easy. With that in mind, you might be well served to try to find some sort of coping mechanism that works for you.

We, who live with lymphoma, are always aware and alert - even if we're in remission. We know it's there, hiding deep inside, and when someone dies that is a reminder of our own situation.

Try not to castigate yourself for being sensitive and caring - you sound like a good friend.

W.

[Guest guest]

Sweet Potato Maniac here.

Shortly before I was diagnosed, at the State Fair

there was a booth promoting the little known health

benefits of sweet potatoes, including helping prevent

certain types of cancer. I started eating lots of

sweet potatoes because I live in an agricultural area

with high pesticide use and a very high cancer rate.

During that HORRID period of waiting, I stopped in the

supermarket and while walking through the produce

section I lost it completely at the sight of a the

sweet potato display. I can't put in writing some of

the language I used at those sweet potatoes, but I had

poor unsuspecting grocery clerks running from all

directions, trying to calm me down and figure out what

was wrong with me. It's real difficult to explain

with any rationality why you are mad at sweet

potatoes. I almost got locked up in the rubber room

against my will.

My second most infamous explosion was over a vacuum

cleaner with a full bag. My Dr didn't warn me about

the mood swings when you quit taking Decadron cold

turkey. I got a new vacuum cleaner out of that one.

Nine years later I can look back at the incidents and

laugh but it certainly wasn't funny at the time. Most

of us have had really bad days, you are in good

company.

Hang in there and know you're not alone. I found the

process to be worse than the disease.

Sue Bunte

--- Geraldine Michalik <drmichalik@...> wrote:

> Has anyone just totally freaked out with this stuff?

> I totally lost it last night. Overreaction to

> hearing yesterday that a friend of mine died of

> cancer. Last summer when I saw him, he thought he

> was in remission. Then over the winter his

> significant other told me he was not doing very

> well.

>

> When I say I freaked out last night, I just could

> not stop crying. Got so hysterical, I called 911

> thinking I just wanted to be in a white room. Ended

> up with the cops coming to calm me down. They told

> my fiance to maybe take me to the emergency room for

> a sedative. He drove me around for a while and to

> the park until I quieted down. My sister, who was

> visitng and sleeping upstairs, couldn't understand

> why I had to call the 911 when both of them were

> around to help me. I don't either.

>

> I'm dreading my blood tests Tuesday.

>

> Thanks for listening

> G.

>

>

>

Sue Bunte

The greatness of a nation and it's moral progress may be judged by the way it's

animals are treated.

Mahatma Ghandi

[Guest guest]

Thank you, Sue. You made my day!

My fiance is suggesting I should go to the range with him today to keep busy.

Your story is telling me it is not a good day to pull out my 45.

Geraldine

> Has anyone just totally freaked out with this stuff?> I totally lost it last night. Overreaction to> hearing yesterday that a friend of mine died of> cancer. Last summer when I saw him, he thought he> was in remission. Then over the winter his> significant other told me he was not doing

very> well. > > When I say I freaked out last night, I just could> not stop crying. Got so hysterical, I called 911> thinking I just wanted to be in a white room. Ended> up with the cops coming to calm me down. They told> my fiance to maybe take me to the emergency room for> a sedative. He drove me around for a while and to> the park until I quieted down. My sister, who was> visitng and sleeping upstairs, couldn't understand> why I had to call the 911 when both of them were> around to help me. I don't either.> > I'm dreading my blood tests Tuesday.> > Thanks for listening> G.> > > Sue BunteThe greatness of a nation and it's moral progress may be judged by the way it's animals are treated.Mahatma Ghandi

[Guest guest]

Thanks, .

I'm more feeling guilty for the tough time I am causing for those around me.

Geraldine

From: sfw124 <sfw124@...>Subject: Re: Freaking Out Date: Sunday, May 18, 2008, 2:08 PM

Geraldine,

I don't think your reaction was totally out of order; trying to come to grips with bad news is not easy. With that in mind, you might be well served to try to find some sort of coping mechanism that works for you.

We, who live with lymphoma, are always aware and alert - even if we're in remission. We know it's there, hiding deep inside, and when someone dies that is a reminder of our own situation.

Try not to castigate yourself for being sensitive and caring - you sound like a good friend.

W.

[Guest guest]

ABSOLUTELY!!!! Go shoot something!

Visually put the face of a cancer cell on the target

and blast away.

Not only is it cathartic but visualization is a very

good thing. They are teaching nurses at Stanford to

use visualization techniques with their patients.

Sue Bunte

--- Geraldine Michalik <drmichalik@...> wrote:

---------------------------------

Thank you, Sue. You made my day!

My fiance is suggesting I should go to the range with

him today to keep busy.

Your story is telling me it is not a good day to pull

out my 45.

Geraldine

> Has anyone just totally freaked out with this stuff?

> I totally lost it last night. Overreaction to

> hearing yesterday that a friend of mine died of

> cancer. Last summer when I saw him, he thought he

> was in remission. Then over the winter his

> significant other told me he was not doing very

> well.

>

> When I say I freaked out last night, I just could

> not stop crying. Got so hysterical, I called 911

> thinking I just wanted to be in a white room. Ended

> up with the cops coming to calm me down. They told

> my fiance to maybe take me to the emergency room for

> a sedative. He drove me around for a while and to

> the park until I quieted down. My sister, who was

> visitng and sleeping upstairs, couldn't understand

> why I had to call the 911 when both of them were

> around to help me. I don't either.

>

> I'm dreading my blood tests Tuesday.

>

> Thanks for listening

> G.

>

>

>

Sue Bunte

The greatness of a nation and it's moral progress may

be judged by the way it's animals are treated.

Mahatma Ghandi

Sue Bunte

The greatness of a nation and it's moral progress may be judged by the way it's

animals are treated.

Mahatma Ghandi

[Guest guest]

Helene,

I am not the greatest on the medical detail which I do have on file. But I am still stage zero, Whites last visit went up to 27 from 21, ZAP was OK and Fish marker was supposedly one of the best (or least bad) of the bunch. Cat scan of liver and spleen was fine.

I should have nothing to complain about yet.

Mostly have been keeping my head stuck in the sand.

Geraldine

From: Helene <Hclark@Actknowledge .Org>Subject: RE: Freaking Outgroups (DOT) comDate: Sunday, May 18, 2008, 1:27 PM

G -

Yes. I have totally freaked out. I felt like I couldn't contain how scared and upset I was.

It didn't even feel like me. My husband (the one with CLL) couldn't calm me down. I told him I was upset about something else...which was partially true...cause I didn't want him to think he was causing me so much pain and worry. I was also triggered by a friend with myeloma who got some bad news...and then some other friends who got good news....and I felt I couldn't stop anything terrible happening.

Anyhow, I don't have an answer on how to avoid such things or feel better. Just to say your reaction makes complete sense to me. Unfortunately, lots of times the logical reaction - of terror, despair - is not a very good coping mechanism, so we have to get out of that.

And, from being on this forum and reading some others, I know that if it didn't hit so close to home, I would say...there is a lot of good long-term survival, tremendous scientific advances, pretty good quality of life for many....and bad luck for some. But you could have bad luck even if you didn't have CLL.

You called 911 because you were momentarily out of control, and the usual supports, like your fiance and sister didn't seem like they'd work. You wanted it to stop! So you took drastic action. Thank goodness, you calmed down after a while.

My advice is to try and get in touch with the little part of you inside that is afraid of being out of control and work with her....so she knows that such situations will pass.

After you get good news from your blood tests, you will be in better shape to work on this.

Please let us know how they go.

E.

Freaking Out

Has anyone just totally freaked out with this stuff? I totally lost it last night. Overreaction to hearing yesterday that a friend of mine died of cancer. Last summer when I saw him, he thought he was in remission. Then over the winter his significant other told me he was not doing very well. When I say I freaked out last night, I just could not stop crying. Got so hysterical, I called 911 thinking I just wanted to be in a white room. Ended up with the cops coming to calm me down. They told my fiance to maybe take me to the emergency room for a sedative. He drove me around for a while and to the park until I quieted down. My sister, who was visitng and sleeping upstairs, couldn't understand why I had to call the 911 when both of them were around to help me. I don't either.I'm dreading my blood tests Tuesday.Thanks for

listeningG.

[Guest guest]

OK> Has anyone just totally freaked out with this stuff?> I totally lost it last night. Overreaction to> hearing yesterday that a friend of mine died of> cancer. Last summer

when I saw him, he thought he> was in remission. Then over the winter his> significant other told me he was not doing very> well. > > When I say I freaked out last night, I just could> not stop crying. Got so hysterical, I called 911> thinking I just wanted to be in a white room. Ended> up with the cops coming to calm me down. They told> my fiance to maybe take me to the emergency room for> a sedative. He drove me around for a while and to> the park until I quieted down. My sister, who was> visitng and sleeping upstairs, couldn't understand> why I had to call the 911 when both of them were> around to help me. I don't either.> > I'm dreading my blood tests Tuesday.> > Thanks for listening> G.> > > Sue BunteThe greatness of a nation and it's moral progress maybe judged by the way it's

animals are treated.Mahatma GhandiSue BunteThe greatness of a nation and it's moral progress may be judged by the way it's animals are treated.Mahatma Ghandi

[Guest guest]

I could never, never make light of your honest, sincere feelings of fear, yet

your story brought back a memory I have of one of my down days...

As a teacher of high school seniors, some CLL days were rough when I tried to

cope with both emotional and physical problems I was having. The students knew

about my cancer, but I rarely would allude to it in the spirit of being 'tough.'

Fourteen years into this CLL business, I was told again I would have to have

chemo. The next day in school a senior prankster named had his friend ask

me right after lunch if could go to the restroom to pop a " zit. " I

laughed and said, " What do you think I'm going to say to that request? " His

friend turned to and said, " I guess the answer is 'no.' You'll just have

to pop it here. "

proceeded to put his two index fingers to his mouth and pushed --- and out

came an extended wad of mashed potatoes on his desk. What a dumb thing for a

senior to do!

The class was hysterical. But I was cancer freakin' - and proceeded to stand

over that child like a Doomsday Machine and in the wickedest tone possible said:

" Young Man, I'm about to kill you and I don't care if they hang me for it

because I'm dying of cancer anyway and by the time they hang me I'll be da**

dead anyway!!!! "

The class went horribly silent. I froze. was petrified.

It took a minute before all of us realized what I had said and how I looked.

I inched backwards toward my desk. Slowly an apology came out of my mouth. The

class was over - even though time remained. I e-mailed my principal and told

him what I said/did, then between classes called 's parents to 'fess up

what I had said. I had no excuses.

But I knew down deep I was cancer freakin' !

Needless to say, I started thinking about retiring after 41 years of teaching

and 14 years of CLL.

The students, however, still laugh with me about that infamous moment. And the

class made sure to send me a box of instant mashed potatos upon my retirement!

In every phone call and email, those students still remind me of the mash potato

incident. In 's last email to me he asked if they had hung me yet. I

replied, " No, because I haven't killed you yet. But, there is still time. "

Hang in there, Geraldine. At some point, your cancer " freaking " will be

tolerable, but for the time being it is real. Very real. Try some of the

suggestions that have been put on the list for you. Everybody here is here to

support you.

Marilyn in Iowa

Re: Freaking Out

>

>

>

>Thank you, Sue.  You made my day!

>

>

>My fiance is suggesting I should go to the range with him today to keep busy.

>

> 

>

>Your story is telling me it is not a good day to pull out my 45.

>

> 

>

> Geraldine

>

> 

>

>

>

>

>> Has anyone just totally freaked out with this stuff?

>> I totally lost it last night. Overreaction to

>> hearing yesterday that a friend of mine died of

>> cancer. Last summer when I saw him, he thought he

>> was in remission. Then over the winter his

>> significant other told me he was not doing very

>> well.

>>

>> When I say I freaked out last night, I just could

>> not stop crying. Got so hysterical, I called 911

>> thinking I just wanted to be in a white room. Ended

>> up with the cops coming to calm me down. They told

>> my fiance to maybe take me to the emergency room for

>> a sedative. He drove me around for a while and to

>> the park until I quieted down. My sister, who was

>> visitng and sleeping upstairs, couldn't understand

>> why I had to call the 911 when both of them were

>> around to help me. I don't either.

>>

>> I'm dreading my blood tests Tuesday.

>>

>> Thanks for listening

>> G.

>>

>>

>>

>

>Sue Bunte

>

>The greatness of a nation and it's moral progress may be judged by the way it's

animals are treated.

>

>Mahatma Ghandi

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Geraldine,

That is all great news. It doesn't take away from having freakout moments - it's still scary.

But the chances are overwhelmingly good that you'll be in w & w for a long time and if and when you need treatment, they'll have even more stuff than they do now.

You do have something to complain about - having cancer allows a bit of that! But, if you didn't have this to worry about, something else would come up. It always does! But you will be fine for a very long time and very likely even longer than that.

Helene

Freaking Out

Has anyone just totally freaked out with this stuff? I totally lost it last night. Overreaction to hearing yesterday that a friend of mine died of cancer. Last summer when I saw him, he thought he was in remission. Then over the winter his significant other told me he was not doing very well. When I say I freaked out last night, I just could not stop crying. Got so hysterical, I called 911 thinking I just wanted to be in a white room. Ended up with the cops coming to calm me down. They told my fiance to maybe take me to the emergency room for a sedative. He drove me around for a while and to the park until I quieted down. My sister, who was visitng and sleeping upstairs, couldn't understand why I had to call the 911 when both of them were around to help me. I don't either.I'm dreading my blood tests Tuesday.Thanks for listeningG.

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Sue. It worked. I pictured the bullseye being the bad blood cells. Shot more bullseyes than usual. Then had a double scoop ice cream cone. Hope this is not a repeat email -- I have been trying to send some out and having trouble with a new version of software. Thanks again, Geraldine> Has anyone just totally freaked out with this stuff?> I totally lost it last night. Overreaction to> hearing yesterday that a friend of mine died of> cancer. Last summer

when I saw him, he thought he> was in remission. Then over the winter his> significant other told me he was not doing very> well. > > When I say I freaked out last night, I just could> not stop crying. Got so hysterical, I called 911> thinking I just wanted to be in a white room. Ended> up with the cops coming to calm me down. They told> my fiance to maybe take me to the emergency room for> a sedative. He drove me around for a while and to> the park until I quieted down. My sister, who was> visitng and sleeping upstairs, couldn't understand> why I had to call the 911 when both of them were> around to help me. I don't either.> > I'm dreading my blood tests Tuesday.> > Thanks for listening> G.> > > Sue BunteThe greatness of a nation and it's moral progress maybe judged by the way it's

animals are treated.Mahatma GhandiSue BunteThe greatness of a nation and it's moral progress may be judged by the way it's animals are treated.Mahatma Ghandi

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Marilyn. Having taught college seniors in a Friday afternoon, 3:00 PM spring semester, required Statistics class, I can totally relate to the prankster picture you painted. (College jocks come to class in their smelly sweats and expect to change clothes in the back row, then go to sleep. -- if they even showed up at all after using up all their cuts.) Sounds like you did all the right things with the "procedures" which are very important iin administration and with parents. Glad to hear your students still stay in touch with you - it is so rewarding to have that. Best to you, Geraldine>>> Has anyone just totally freaked out with this stuff?>> I totally lost it last night. Overreaction to>> hearing yesterday that a friend of mine died of>> cancer. Last summer when I saw him, he thought he>> was in remission. Then over the winter his>> significant other told me

he was not doing very>> well. >> >> When I say I freaked out last night, I just could>> not stop crying. Got so hysterical, I called 911>> thinking I just wanted to be in a white room. Ended>> up with the cops coming to calm me down. They told>> my fiance to maybe take me to the emergency room for>> a sedative. He drove me around for a while and to>> the park until I quieted down. My sister, who was>> visitng and sleeping upstairs, couldn't understand>> why I had to call the 911 when both of them were>> around to help me. I don't either.>> >> I'm dreading my blood tests Tuesday.>> >> Thanks for listening>> G.>> >> >> >>Sue Bunte>>The greatness of a nation and it's moral progress may be judged by the way it's animals are

treated.>>Mahatma Ghandi>>>

[Guest guest]

Thanks again, Helene. Good night.

From: Helene <Hclark@Actknowledge .Org>Subject: RE: Freaking Outgroups (DOT) comDate: Sunday, May 18, 2008, 1:27 PM

G -

Yes. I have totally freaked out. I felt like I couldn't contain how scared and upset I was.

It didn't even feel like me. My husband (the one with CLL) couldn't calm me down. I told him I was upset about something else...which was partially true...cause I didn't want him to think he was causing me so much pain and worry. I was also triggered by a friend with myeloma who got some bad news...and then some other friends who got good news....and I felt I couldn't stop anything terrible happening.

Anyhow, I don't have an answer on how to avoid such things or feel better. Just to say your reaction makes complete sense to me. Unfortunately, lots of times the logical reaction - of terror, despair - is not a very good coping mechanism, so we have to get out of that.

And, from being on this forum and reading some others, I know that if it didn't hit so close to home, I would say...there is a lot of good long-term survival, tremendous scientific advances, pretty good quality of life for many....and bad luck for some. But you could have bad luck even if you didn't have CLL.

You called 911 because you were momentarily out of control, and the usual supports, like your fiance and sister didn't seem like they'd work. You wanted it to stop! So you took drastic action. Thank goodness, you calmed down after a while.

My advice is to try and get in touch with the little part of you inside that is afraid of being out of control and work with her....so she knows that such situations will pass.

After you get good news from your blood tests, you will be in better shape to work on this.

Please let us know how they go.

E.

Freaking Out

Has anyone just totally freaked out with this stuff? I totally lost it last night. Overreaction to hearing yesterday that a friend of mine died of cancer. Last summer when I saw him, he thought he was in remission. Then over the winter his significant other told me he was not doing very well. When I say I freaked out last night, I just could not stop crying. Got so hysterical, I called 911 thinking I just wanted to be in a white room. Ended up with the cops coming to calm me down. They told my fiance to maybe take me to the emergency room for a sedative. He drove me around for a while and to the park until I quieted down. My sister, who was visitng and sleeping upstairs, couldn't understand why I had to call the 911 when both of them were around to help me. I don't either.I'm dreading my blood tests Tuesday.Thanks for

listeningG.

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Pat. I hope you were as lucky as I was to have a driver, or supporter, when you went back to your car and fell apart. Yes, I understand what you mean about the small things -- when under the pressure of the big things we are usually in control because we "must do." Then when we are in a safe place, maybe we let the small things take over and allow ourselves the time to collapse. Your suggestion of schecking into what is available with local facilities reminded me that there is a hospital nearby that sponsors a number of wellness programs. I had been intrigued by a few of them, but most are not available at times when I can make it from work (I have a 4 hour per day commute, so can not make it to things unless they are available on the weekend.) Maybe I can find some other options and will look into that.

From: pkennedy16@... <pkennedy16@...>Subject: Re: Freaking Out Date: Sunday, May 18, 2008, 5:53 PM

I suspect that the posts you've gotten are only the tip of the iceberg. Going into or waiting for labs and other tests is the most stressful part of all of this. One of the counselors at UCLA told me that people with chronic cancers like CLL often manage, obviously with good and bad days, for several years and then are suddenly hit with the whole thing for no apparent reason.My biggest melt down was last month. I had just received the best labs I've ever had - everything in the normal range (I was in kidney failure when I was finally diagnosed) and I had only two weeks left of radiation treatment for breast cancer after a lumpectomy with clean margins. I went into the Cancer Center in Oxnard to find out what kinds of programs they had to offer, went back to my car and completely fell apart. I think sometimes it's when the pressure is finally a bit less that we

feel things more because we have more time to think instead of having to be doing whatever. I also find that stupid little things, like the sweet potatoes and mashed potatoes, set me off more than bigger things. I guess we pull ourselves together when we really need to and are most vulnerable when we relax.A grief group might prove very helpful. I have a friend who lost her husband recently and she is in a group sponsored by The Wellness Community. I know they have sites around the country. I found them by googling the name. She is finding it to be very helpful. Many hospitals also have cancer centers which include grief counseling or groups. They also have groups for patients and family members/significant others and social workers and psychologists who work with people individually. I've tried a couple of groups and found that they weren't right for me as they were focused on one thing and I'm trying to balance two, but I do work with two of

the counselors at UCLA who have gotten me through many down times.I love the idea of going out and shooting up your cancer. I may find a range and a teacher (I need my feet) and try it myself.As for guilt, let it go. Your sister and fiance obviously love you and will survive this. It may be a good opening for discussions with them about things you haven't been able to talk about, either with a counselor or just at home. It's hard for friends and loved ones to know what to say to be supportive. I find it is sometimes easier to talk to strangers about my cancer than people I'm close to. It will also give all of you a new perspective which will allow you to be there for someone else someday. Just as it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a village to get through this life. This group is a wonderful part of our village. You chose a good place to come for support.Pat************ **Wondering what's for Dinner Tonight? Get new twists on family favorites at AOL Food.(http://food. aol.com/dinner- tonight?NCID= aolfod0003000000 0001)

[Guest guest]

You go girl!!!

I don't know that Ice Cream and Gun Powder will make

Gourmet Magazines Top Ten Dessert list but hey if it

worked for today that's all that counts.

Just remember to warn your loved ones not to tick you

off when you have a gun in your hand, or a vacuum, or

a potato, or a china plate or.....

I used to tell my family, " Today is not a good day to

mess with me " , that usually was enough to clear the

room ;-)

Take heart, it will get better. This disease is no

longer an automatic death sentence. I was told in

January 2000 I had 3-6 months. My Dr was off just a

little bit. Helene is right, by the time your disease

gets bad there will be new treatments that will change

our world. I was lucky enough to get into the Campath

Clinical trial. It worked, I got complete response,

I'm 8 years out from my Bone Marrow Transplant and I

have my life back.

It's very hard sometimes to see th bright side of

cancer but if you have to have it CLL is one of the

better one's to have. Time is on your side.

Sue

--- Geraldine Michalik <drmichalik@...> wrote:

---------------------------------

Thanks, Sue. It worked. I pictured the bullseye

being the bad blood cells. Shot more bullseyes than

usual. Then had a double scoop ice cream cone. Hope

this is not a repeat email -- I have been trying to

send some out and having trouble with a new version of

software. Thanks again, Geraldine

> Has anyone just totally freaked out with this stuff?

> I totally lost it last night. Overreaction to

> hearing yesterday that a friend of mine died of

> cancer. Last summer when I saw him, he thought he

> was in remission. Then over the winter his

> significant other told me he was not doing very

> well.

>

> When I say I freaked out last night, I just could

> not stop crying. Got so hysterical, I called 911

> thinking I just wanted to be in a white room. Ended

> up with the cops coming to calm me down. They told

> my fiance to maybe take me to the emergency room for

> a sedative. He drove me around for a while and to

> the park until I quieted down. My sister, who was

> visitng and sleeping upstairs, couldn't understand

> why I had to call the 911 when both of them were

> around to help me. I don't either.

>

> I'm dreading my blood tests Tuesday.

>

> Thanks for listening

> G.

>

>

>

Sue Bunte

The greatness of a nation and it's moral progress may

be judged by the way it's animals are treated.

Mahatma Ghandi

Sue Bunte

The greatness of a nation and it's moral progress may

be judged by the way it's animals are treated.

Mahatma Ghandi

Sue Bunte

The greatness of a nation and it's moral progress may be judged by the way it's

animals are treated.

Mahatma Ghandi

[Guest guest]

Sue - you are an inspiration. I hope I can keep a sense of humor like you have through this thing. I've been very difficult to live with and need to fix that.

Have a great day. Geraldine

Re: Freaking Out

You go girl!!!I don't know that Ice Cream and Gun Powder will makeGourmet Magazines Top Ten Dessert list but hey if itworked for today that's all that counts.Just remember to warn your loved ones not to tick youoff when you have a gun in your hand, or a vacuum, ora potato, or a china plate or..... I used to tell my family,"Today is not a good day tomess with me", that usually was enough to clear theroom ;-) Take heart, it will get better. This disease is nolonger an automatic death sentence. I was told inJanuary 2000 I had 3-6 months. My Dr was off just alittle bit. Helene is right, by the time your diseasegets bad there will be new treatments that will changeour world. I was lucky enough to get into the CampathClinical trial. It worked, I got complete response,I'm 8 years out from my Bone Marrow Transplant and Ihave my life back.It's very hard sometimes to

see th bright side ofcancer but if you have to have it CLL is one of thebetter one's to have. Time is on your side.Sue--- Geraldine Michalik <drmichalik (DOT) com> wrote:------------ --------- --------- ---Thanks, Sue. It worked. I pictured the bullseye being the bad blood cells. Shot more bullseyes thanusual. Then had a double scoop ice cream cone. Hopethis is not a repeat email -- I have been trying tosend some out and having trouble with a new version ofsoftware. Thanks again, Geraldine> Has anyone just totally freaked out with this stuff?> I totally lost it last night. Overreaction to> hearing yesterday that a friend of mine died of> cancer. Last summer

when I saw him, he thought he> was in remission. Then over the winter his> significant other told me he was not doing very> well. > > When I say I freaked out last night, I just could> not stop crying. Got so hysterical, I called 911> thinking I just wanted to be in a white room. Ended> up with the cops coming to calm me down. They told> my fiance to maybe take me to the emergency room for> a sedative. He drove me around for a while and to> the park until I quieted down. My sister, who was> visitng and sleeping upstairs, couldn't understand> why I had to call the 911 when both of them were> around to help me. I don't either.> > I'm dreading my blood tests Tuesday.> > Thanks for listening> G.> > > Sue BunteThe greatness of a nation and it's moral progress maybe judged by the way it's

animals are treated.Mahatma GhandiSue BunteThe greatness of a nation and it's moral progress maybe judged by the way it's animals are treated.Mahatma GhandiSue BunteThe greatness of a nation and it's moral progress may be judged by the way it's animals are treated.Mahatma Ghandi

[Guest guest]

Geraldine,

Did you get test results this week? How are you feeling?

Helene

[Guest guest]

Hello, Helene.

Thank you for remembering -- All went well and as Pat called it "You are so BORING W & W" -- The support from all of you has really helped me keep it in perspective -- (at least temporarily. :0)

Unless someone else needs it, we should probably remove the freaking out from the subject column soon.

Have a good night!

Geraldine

From: elmerleb <elmerleb@...>Subject: Re: Freaking Out Date: Wednesday, May 21, 2008, 11:44 PM

Geraldine,Did you get test results this week? How are you feeling?Helene

[Guest guest]

SAME HERE CALL 911

Hi everybody just had to vent. I can smell smoke in the house and all around outside. I am so scared of fire. The earliest memory is when I sat at the end of the barn holding my baby brother while watching my mom throwing stuff out the window while flames were coming out of the window below her. I was 3 1/2 years old. There has been chimney fires, water heater explosions, furnace fires and like an idiot I have run into them to get people out. And each time I do it it makes me more scared. I will not be able to sleep for the fear that this time it could be my house again. I am here alone with my four legged kids and I could not live without them. My dog Rosie is a dog that came to me when I first stsrted having seizures and she is a natural seizure dog with no traing. And she has saved my life several different times. When Rosie starts trying to wake me up my cats Becky and Moses start doing the same thing. All three were throw away's. Rosie didn't bark loud enough, Becky was snake bite, and Mosies was pulled out of the flood waters with a broken leg. And now they keep me moving even when the pain gets so bad all I do is cry. I will not take pills until I can no longer walk for the pain. Thanks lyl

"When life's problems seem overwhelming, look around and see what other people are coping with. You may consider yourself fortunate."Looking for simple solutions to your real-life financial challenges? Check out WalletPop for the latest news and information, tips and calculators.

[Guest guest]

SAME HERE CALL 911

Hi everybody just had to vent. I can smell smoke in the house and all around outside. I am so scared of fire. The earliest memory is when I sat at the end of the barn holding my baby brother while watching my mom throwing stuff out the window while flames were coming out of the window below her. I was 3 1/2 years old. There has been chimney fires, water heater explosions, furnace fires and like an idiot I have run into them to get people out. And each time I do it it makes me more scared. I will not be able to sleep for the fear that this time it could be my house again. I am here alone with my four legged kids and I could not live without them. My dog Rosie is a dog that came to me when I first stsrted having seizures and she is a natural seizure dog with no traing. And she has saved my life several different times. When Rosie starts trying to wake me up my cats Becky and Moses start doing the same thing. All three were throw away's. Rosie didn't bark loud enough, Becky was snake bite, and Mosies was pulled out of the flood waters with a broken leg. And now they keep me moving even when the pain gets so bad all I do is cry. I will not take pills until I can no longer walk for the pain. Thanks lyl

"When life's problems seem overwhelming, look around and see what other people are coping with. You may consider yourself fortunate."Looking for simple solutions to your real-life financial challenges? Check out WalletPop for the latest news and information, tips and calculators.

[Guest guest]

SAME HERE CALL 911

Hi everybody just had to vent. I can smell smoke in the house and all around outside. I am so scared of fire. The earliest memory is when I sat at the end of the barn holding my baby brother while watching my mom throwing stuff out the window while flames were coming out of the window below her. I was 3 1/2 years old. There has been chimney fires, water heater explosions, furnace fires and like an idiot I have run into them to get people out. And each time I do it it makes me more scared. I will not be able to sleep for the fear that this time it could be my house again. I am here alone with my four legged kids and I could not live without them. My dog Rosie is a dog that came to me when I first stsrted having seizures and she is a natural seizure dog with no traing. And she has saved my life several different times. When Rosie starts trying to wake me up my cats Becky and Moses start doing the same thing. All three were throw away's. Rosie didn't bark loud enough, Becky was snake bite, and Mosies was pulled out of the flood waters with a broken leg. And now they keep me moving even when the pain gets so bad all I do is cry. I will not take pills until I can no longer walk for the pain. Thanks lyl

"When life's problems seem overwhelming, look around and see what other people are coping with. You may consider yourself fortunate."Looking for simple solutions to your real-life financial challenges? Check out WalletPop for the latest news and information, tips and calculators.

[Guest guest]

Have u called 911? That's not silly. They would want to know.

Christy

freaking out

Hi everybody just had to vent. I can smell smoke in the house and all around outside. I am so scared of fire. The earliest memory is when I sat at the end of the barn holding my baby brother while watching my mom throwing stuff out the window while flames were coming out of the window below her. I was 3 1/2 years old. There has been chimney fires, water heater explosions, furnace fires and like an idiot I have run into them to get people out. And each time I do it it makes me more scared. I will not be able to sleep for the fear that this time it could be my house again. I am here alone with my four legged kids and I could not live without them. My dog Rosie is a dog that came to me when I first stsrted having seizures and she is a natural seizure dog with no traing. And she has saved my life several different times. When Rosie starts trying to wake me up my cats Becky and Moses start doing the same thing. All three were throw away's. Rosie didn't bark loud enough, Becky was snake bite, and Mosies was pulled out of the flood waters with a broken leg. And now they keep me moving even when the pain gets so bad all I do is cry. I will not take pills until I can no longer walk for the pain. Thanks lyl

[Guest guest]

call 911 now dont wait

From: Christy <2zeesmommy@...>Subject: RE: freaking out Date: Saturday, September 20, 2008, 12:25 AM

Have u called 911? That's not silly. They would want to know.

Christy

freaking out

Hi everybody just had to vent. I can smell smoke in the house and all around outside. I am so scared of fire. The earliest memory is when I sat at the end of the barn holding my baby brother while watching my mom throwing stuff out the window while flames were coming out of the window below her. I was 3 1/2 years old. There has been chimney fires, water heater explosions, furnace fires and like an idiot I have run into them to get people out. And each time I do it it makes me more scared. I will not be able to sleep for the fear that this time it could be my house again. I am here alone with my four legged kids and I could not live without them. My dog Rosie is a dog that came to me when I first stsrted having seizures and she is a natural seizure dog with no traing. And she has saved my life several different times. When Rosie starts trying to wake me up my cats Becky and Moses start doing the

same thing. All three were throw away's. Rosie didn't bark loud enough, Becky was snake bite, and Mosies was pulled out of the flood waters with a broken leg. And now they keep me moving even when the pain gets so bad all I do is cry. I will not take pills until I can no longer walk for the pain. Thanks lyl