Re: Building Healthy Boundaries

[Guest guest]

I love this post.

Whoever posts this. Thank you very much.

On Sun, Jan 17, 2010 at 2:34 AM, <@...> wrote:

>

>

> Building Healthy Boundaries (Long)

>

> http://www.livestrong.com/article/14718-building-healthy-boundaries

>

> What is a boundary?

> A boundary is the:

> * Emotional and physical space between you and another person.

> * Demarcation of where you end and another begins and where you begin and

> another ends.

> * Limit or line over which you will not allow anyone to cross because of

> the negative impact of its being crossed in the past.

> * Established set of limits over your physical and emotional well-being

> which you expect others to respect in their relationship with you.

> * Emotional and physical space you need in order to be the real you without

> the pressure from others to be something that you are not.

> * Emotional and/or physical perimeter of your life which is or has been

> violated when you were emotionally, verbally, physically and/or sexually

> abused.

> * Healthy emotional and physical distance you can maintain between you and

> another so that you do not become overly enmeshed and/or dependent.

> * Appropriate amount of emotional and physical closeness you need to

> maintain so that you and another do not become too detached and/or overly

> independent.

> * Balanced emotional and physical limits set on interacting with another so

> that you can achieve an interdependent relationship of independent beings

> who do not lose their personal identity, uniqueness and autonomy in the

> process.

> * Clearly defined limits within which you are free to be yourself with no

> restrictions placed on you by others as to how to think, feel or act.

> * Set of parameters which make you a unique, autonomous and free individual

> who has the freedom to be a creative, original, idiosyncratic problem

> solver.

>

> Signs of ignored boundaries

> You can tell boundaries are being ignored if there are one or more of the

> following characteristic symptoms:

>

> Over Enmeshment: This symptom requires everyone to follow the rule that

> everyone must do everything together and that everyone is to think, feel and

> act in the same way. No one is allowed to deviate from the family or group

> norms. Everyone looks homogeneous. Uniqueness, autonomy and idiosyncratic

> behaviors are viewed as deviations from the norm.

>

> Disassociation: This symptom involves blanking out during a stressful

> emotional event. You feel your physical and/or emotional space being

> violated and you tell yourself something like: " It doesn't matter. " " Ignore

> it and it will go away soon enough.'' " No sense in fighting it, just hang on

> and it will be over soon.'' " Don't put up a struggle or else it will be

> worse for you.'' This blanking out results in your being out of touch with

> your feelings about what happened. It also may result in your inability to

> remember what happened.

>

> Excessive Detachment: This symptom occurs when neither you nor anyone else

> in the group or family is able to establish any fusion of emotions or

> affiliation of feelings. Everyone is totally independent from everyone else

> and there doesn't seem to be anything to hold you and them together in

> healthy union. You and they seem to lack a common purpose, goal, identity or

> rationale for existing together. There is a seeming lack of desire from you

> and the other members to draw together to form a union because you fear loss

> of personal identity.

>

> Victimhood or Martyrdom: In this symptom, you identify yourself as a

> violated victim and become overly defensive to ward off further violation.

> Or it can be that once you accept your victimization you continue to be

> knowingly victimized and then let others know of your martyrdom.

>

> Chip on the Shoulder: This symptom is reflected in your interactions with

> others. Because of your anger over past violation of your emotional and/or

> physical space and the real or perceived ignoring of your rights by others,

> you have a " chip on your shoulder'' that declares " I dare you to come too

> close!''

>

> Invisibility: This symptom involves your pulling in or over-controlling so

> that others even yourself never know how you are really feeling or what you

> are really thinking. Your goal is not to be seen or heard so that your

> boundaries are not violated.

>

> Aloofness or Shyness: This symptom is a result of your insecurity from real

> or perceived experiences of being ignored, roved or rejected in the past.

> This feels like a violation of your efforts to expand or stretch your

> boundaries to include others in your space. Once rejected you take the

> defensive posture to reject others before they reject you. This keeps you

> inward and unwilling or fearful of opening up your space to others.

>

> Cold and Distant: This symptom builds walls or barriers to insure that

> others do not permeate or invade your emotional or physical space. This too

> can be a defense, due to previous hurt and pain, from being violated, hurt,

> ignored or rejected. This stance is your declaration that " I've drawn the

> line over which I dare you to cross.'' It is a way to keep others out and

> put them off.

> Smothering: This symptom results when another is overly solicitous of your

> needs and interests. This cloying interest is overly intrusive into your

> emotional and physical space. It can be so overwhelming that you feel like

> you are being strangled, held too tightly and lack freedom to breathe on

> your own. You feel violated, used and overwhelmed.

>

> Lack of Privacy: this symptom is present when you feel that nothing you

> think, feel or do is your own business. You are expected to report to others

> in your family or group all the detail and content of your feelings,

> reactions, opinions, relationships and dealings with the outside world. You

> begin to feel that nothing you experience can be kept in the privacy of your

> own domain. You begin to believe you don't have a private domain or your own

> space into which you can escape to be your own person.

>

> Rational boundary building thinking

> These are just a few examples of unhealthy thoughts or beliefs which allow

> boundaries to be ignored or violated. Following each unhealthy belief is a

> more healthy, rational, realistic, reality-based affirmation for healthy

> boundary building.

>

> Unhealthy: I can never say " no'' to others.

>

> Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to say " no'' to others if it is an

> invasion of my space or a violation of my rights.

>

> Unhealthy: It is my duty to hold them together.

>

> Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to take care of myself. If they

> want to stay together as a family or group, it is up to each individual to

> make such a decision. They all have equal responsibility to create the

> interdependency needed to keep us a united group.

>

> Unhealthy: I can never trust anyone again.

>

> Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to take the risk to grow in my

> relationships with others. If I find my space or rights are being violated

> or ignored, I can assertively protect myself to ensure I am not hurt.

>

> Unhealthy: I would feel guilty if I did something on my own and left my

> family or group out of it.

>

> Healthy Boundary Builder: I have the right and need to do things which are

> uniquely mine so that I do not become so overly enmeshed with others that I

> lose my identity.

>

> Unhealthy: I should do everything I can to spend as much time together with

> you or else we won't be a healthy family or group.

>

> Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right and a need to explore my own

> interests, hobbies and outlets so that I can bring back to this family or

> group my unique personality to enrich our lives rather than be lost in a

> closed and over enmeshed system.

>

> Unhealthy: It doesn't matter what they are doing to me. As long as I keep

> quiet and don't complain, they will eventually leave me alone.

>

> Healthy Boundary Builder: I will never again allow my space and rights to

> be violated. I will stand up for myself and assert my rights to be respected

> and not hurt or violated. If they choose to ignore me, then I have the right

> to leave them or ask them to get out of my life.

>

> Unhealthy: As long as I am not seen or heard, I won't be violated or hurt.

>

> Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to be visible and to be seen and

> heard. I will stand up for myself so that others can learn to respect my

> rights, my needs and not violate my space.

>

> Unhealthy: I'd rather not pay attention to what is happening to me in this

> relationship which is overly intrusive, smothering and violating my privacy.

> In this way I don't have to feel the pain and hurt that comes from such a

> violation.

>

> Healthy Boundary Builder: I choose no longer to disassociate from my

> feelings when I am being treated in a negatively painful way so that I can

> be aware of what is happening to me and assertively protect myself from

> further violation or hurt.

>

> Unhealthy: I've been hurt badly in the past and I will never let anyone in

> close enough to hurt me again.

>

> Healthy Boundary Builder: I do not need to be cold and distant or aloof and

> shy as protective tools to avoid being hurt. I choose to open myself up to

> others trusting that I will be assertive to protect my rights and privacy

> from being violated.

>

> Unhealthy: I can never tell where to draw the line with others.

>

> Healthy Boundary Builder: There is a line I have drawn over which I do not

> allow others to cross. This line ensures me my uniqueness, autonomy and

> privacy. I am able to be me the way I really am rather than the way people

> want me to be by drawing this line. By this line I let others know: this is

> who I am and where I begin and you end; this is who you are and where you

> begin and I end; we will never cross over this line so that we can maintain

> a healthy relationship with one another.

>

> How to establish healthy boundaries

> In order to establish healthy boundaries between yourself and others, you

> need to:

>

> First: Identify the symptoms of your boundaries currently being or having

> been violated or ignored.

>

> Second: Identify the irrational or unhealthy thinking and beliefs by which

> you allow your boundaries to be ignored or violated.

>

> Third: Identify new, more rational, healthy thinking and beliefs which will

> encourage you to change your behaviors so that you build healthy boundaries

> between you and others.

>

> Fourth: Identify new behaviors you need to add to your healthy boundary

> building behaviors repertoire in order to sustain healthy boundaries between

> you and others.

>

> Fifth: Implement the healthy boundary building beliefs and behaviors in

> your life so that your space, privacy and rights are no longer ignored or

> violated.

>

> Steps to establishing healthy boundaries

> Step 1: In order to motivate yourself to establish healthy boundaries in

> your life, you first need to do a self-assessment if any symptoms of ignored

> or violated boundaries exist in your life. In your journal, record which of

> the following symptoms exist for you. For each symptom identified, detail

> what was the stimulus in your past for this behavior. Also detail how this

> symptom affects your current life. Lastly, describe how you feel about this

> symptom's affect on your life.

>

> The Violated or Ignored Boundaries Symptoms

> * Over-enmeshment

> * Disassociation

> * Excessive detachment

> * Victimhood or martyrdom

> * Chip on the shoulder

> * Invisibility

> * Aloofness or shyness

> * Cold and distant

> * Smothering

> * Lack of privacy

>

> Step 2: Once you have identified the symptoms of your boundaries being

> ignored or violated and what the stimulus was for these symptoms, then you

> need to identify in your journal what unhealthy thoughts or irrational

> beliefs you have which led you to have your boundaries violated or ignored.

>

> Step 3: After you have the irrational beliefs and unhealthy thoughts

> identified, then in your journal write down affirmations which are healthy

> boundary builders. You will need these boundary builders as you begin to

> take steps to protect your rights, privacy and personal space.

>

> Step 4: In order to ensure your healthy boundaries are maintained, you next

> need to add the following behaviors to your healthy boundary builders

> repertoire. Each healthy boundary-builder behavior is linked to a respective

> Tools for Coping Series topic. To ensure the healthy boundary-building

> behaviors are in place, work out in your journal each of the " Steps to "

> sections of the boundary-builder behavior topics referenced.

>

> Healthy Boundary-Builder Behaviors

> * Building Trust

> * Handling Insecurity

> * Handling Fear of Rejection

> * Handling the Need for Approval

> * On Becoming a Risk taker

> * Becoming Vulnerable

> * Handling Intimacy

> *Goal Setting in Relationships

> * Overcoming Fears

> * Improving Assertive Behavior

> * Accepting Personal Responsibility

> * Handling Conflict

> * Handling Guilt

> * Overcoming the Role of Victim or Martyr

> * Handling the Use of Power and Control

> * Handling Confrontation

> * Handling Forgiving and Forgetting

> * Creating a Healing Environment

> * Developing Detachment

> * Eliminating Over-dependency

> * Eliminating Passive Aggressiveness

> * Eliminating Manipulation

> * Tempering Survival Behaviors

> * Developing Self-Control

>

> Step 5:Once you have completed acquiring the healthy boundary-building

> behaviors, then begin to implement them as you proceed in your relationships

> at home, work and in your community. If you find you are still experiencing

> your emotional and/or physical boundaries being ignored or violated, then

> return to Step 1 and begin again.

>

>

>