Building Healthy Boundaries

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Building Healthy Boundaries (Long)

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14718-building-healthy-boundaries

What is a boundary?

A boundary is the:

* Emotional and physical space between you and another person.

* Demarcation of where you end and another begins and where you begin and

another ends.

* Limit or line over which you will not allow anyone to cross because of the

negative impact of its being crossed in the past.

* Established set of limits over your physical and emotional well-being which

you expect others to respect in their relationship with you.

* Emotional and physical space you need in order to be the real you without the

pressure from others to be something that you are not.

* Emotional and/or physical perimeter of your life which is or has been violated

when you were emotionally, verbally, physically and/or sexually abused.

* Healthy emotional and physical distance you can maintain between you and

another so that you do not become overly enmeshed and/or dependent.

* Appropriate amount of emotional and physical closeness you need to maintain so

that you and another do not become too detached and/or overly independent.

* Balanced emotional and physical limits set on interacting with another so that

you can achieve an interdependent relationship of independent beings who do not

lose their personal identity, uniqueness and autonomy in the process.

* Clearly defined limits within which you are free to be yourself with no

restrictions placed on you by others as to how to think, feel or act.

* Set of parameters which make you a unique, autonomous and free individual who

has the freedom to be a creative, original, idiosyncratic problem solver.

Signs of ignored boundaries

You can tell boundaries are being ignored if there are one or more of the

following characteristic symptoms:

Over Enmeshment: This symptom requires everyone to follow the rule that everyone

must do everything together and that everyone is to think, feel and act in the

same way. No one is allowed to deviate from the family or group norms. Everyone

looks homogeneous. Uniqueness, autonomy and idiosyncratic behaviors are viewed

as deviations from the norm.

Disassociation: This symptom involves blanking out during a stressful emotional

event. You feel your physical and/or emotional space being violated and you tell

yourself something like: " It doesn't matter. " " Ignore it and it will go away

soon enough.'' " No sense in fighting it, just hang on and it will be over

soon.'' " Don't put up a struggle or else it will be worse for you.'' This

blanking out results in your being out of touch with your feelings about what

happened. It also may result in your inability to remember what happened.

Excessive Detachment: This symptom occurs when neither you nor anyone else in

the group or family is able to establish any fusion of emotions or affiliation

of feelings. Everyone is totally independent from everyone else and there

doesn't seem to be anything to hold you and them together in healthy union. You

and they seem to lack a common purpose, goal, identity or rationale for existing

together. There is a seeming lack of desire from you and the other members to

draw together to form a union because you fear loss of personal identity.

Victimhood or Martyrdom: In this symptom, you identify yourself as a violated

victim and become overly defensive to ward off further violation. Or it can be

that once you accept your victimization you continue to be knowingly victimized

and then let others know of your martyrdom.

Chip on the Shoulder: This symptom is reflected in your interactions with

others. Because of your anger over past violation of your emotional and/or

physical space and the real or perceived ignoring of your rights by others, you

have a " chip on your shoulder'' that declares " I dare you to come too close!''

Invisibility: This symptom involves your pulling in or over-controlling so that

others even yourself never know how you are really feeling or what you are

really thinking. Your goal is not to be seen or heard so that your boundaries

are not violated.

Aloofness or Shyness: This symptom is a result of your insecurity from real or

perceived experiences of being ignored, roved or rejected in the past. This

feels like a violation of your efforts to expand or stretch your boundaries to

include others in your space. Once rejected you take the defensive posture to

reject others before they reject you. This keeps you inward and unwilling or

fearful of opening up your space to others.

Cold and Distant: This symptom builds walls or barriers to insure that others do

not permeate or invade your emotional or physical space. This too can be a

defense, due to previous hurt and pain, from being violated, hurt, ignored or

rejected. This stance is your declaration that " I've drawn the line over which I

dare you to cross.'' It is a way to keep others out and put them off.

Smothering: This symptom results when another is overly solicitous of your needs

and interests. This cloying interest is overly intrusive into your emotional and

physical space. It can be so overwhelming that you feel like you are being

strangled, held too tightly and lack freedom to breathe on your own. You feel

violated, used and overwhelmed.

Lack of Privacy: this symptom is present when you feel that nothing you think,

feel or do is your own business. You are expected to report to others in your

family or group all the detail and content of your feelings, reactions,

opinions, relationships and dealings with the outside world. You begin to feel

that nothing you experience can be kept in the privacy of your own domain. You

begin to believe you don't have a private domain or your own space into which

you can escape to be your own person.

Rational boundary building thinking

These are just a few examples of unhealthy thoughts or beliefs which allow

boundaries to be ignored or violated. Following each unhealthy belief is a more

healthy, rational, realistic, reality-based affirmation for healthy boundary

building.

Unhealthy: I can never say " no'' to others.

Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to say " no'' to others if it is an

invasion of my space or a violation of my rights.

Unhealthy: It is my duty to hold them together.

Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to take care of myself. If they want to

stay together as a family or group, it is up to each individual to make such a

decision. They all have equal responsibility to create the interdependency

needed to keep us a united group.

Unhealthy: I can never trust anyone again.

Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to take the risk to grow in my

relationships with others. If I find my space or rights are being violated or

ignored, I can assertively protect myself to ensure I am not hurt.

Unhealthy: I would feel guilty if I did something on my own and left my family

or group out of it.

Healthy Boundary Builder: I have the right and need to do things which are

uniquely mine so that I do not become so overly enmeshed with others that I lose

my identity.

Unhealthy: I should do everything I can to spend as much time together with you

or else we won't be a healthy family or group.

Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right and a need to explore my own interests,

hobbies and outlets so that I can bring back to this family or group my unique

personality to enrich our lives rather than be lost in a closed and over

enmeshed system.

Unhealthy: It doesn't matter what they are doing to me. As long as I keep quiet

and don't complain, they will eventually leave me alone.

Healthy Boundary Builder: I will never again allow my space and rights to be

violated. I will stand up for myself and assert my rights to be respected and

not hurt or violated. If they choose to ignore me, then I have the right to

leave them or ask them to get out of my life.

Unhealthy: As long as I am not seen or heard, I won't be violated or hurt.

Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to be visible and to be seen and heard.

I will stand up for myself so that others can learn to respect my rights, my

needs and not violate my space.

Unhealthy: I'd rather not pay attention to what is happening to me in this

relationship which is overly intrusive, smothering and violating my privacy. In

this way I don't have to feel the pain and hurt that comes from such a

violation.

Healthy Boundary Builder: I choose no longer to disassociate from my feelings

when I am being treated in a negatively painful way so that I can be aware of

what is happening to me and assertively protect myself from further violation or

hurt.

Unhealthy: I've been hurt badly in the past and I will never let anyone in close

enough to hurt me again.

Healthy Boundary Builder: I do not need to be cold and distant or aloof and shy

as protective tools to avoid being hurt. I choose to open myself up to others

trusting that I will be assertive to protect my rights and privacy from being

violated.

Unhealthy: I can never tell where to draw the line with others.

Healthy Boundary Builder: There is a line I have drawn over which I do not allow

others to cross. This line ensures me my uniqueness, autonomy and privacy. I am

able to be me the way I really am rather than the way people want me to be by

drawing this line. By this line I let others know: this is who I am and where I

begin and you end; this is who you are and where you begin and I end; we will

never cross over this line so that we can maintain a healthy relationship with

one another.

How to establish healthy boundaries

In order to establish healthy boundaries between yourself and others, you need

to:

First: Identify the symptoms of your boundaries currently being or having been

violated or ignored.

Second: Identify the irrational or unhealthy thinking and beliefs by which you

allow your boundaries to be ignored or violated.

Third: Identify new, more rational, healthy thinking and beliefs which will

encourage you to change your behaviors so that you build healthy boundaries

between you and others.

Fourth: Identify new behaviors you need to add to your healthy boundary building

behaviors repertoire in order to sustain healthy boundaries between you and

others.

Fifth: Implement the healthy boundary building beliefs and behaviors in your

life so that your space, privacy and rights are no longer ignored or violated.

Steps to establishing healthy boundaries

Step 1: In order to motivate yourself to establish healthy boundaries in your

life, you first need to do a self-assessment if any symptoms of ignored or

violated boundaries exist in your life. In your journal, record which of the

following symptoms exist for you. For each symptom identified, detail what was

the stimulus in your past for this behavior. Also detail how this symptom

affects your current life. Lastly, describe how you feel about this symptom's

affect on your life.

The Violated or Ignored Boundaries Symptoms

* Over-enmeshment

* Disassociation

* Excessive detachment

* Victimhood or martyrdom

* Chip on the shoulder

* Invisibility

* Aloofness or shyness

* Cold and distant

* Smothering

* Lack of privacy

Step 2: Once you have identified the symptoms of your boundaries being ignored

or violated and what the stimulus was for these symptoms, then you need to

identify in your journal what unhealthy thoughts or irrational beliefs you have

which led you to have your boundaries violated or ignored.

Step 3: After you have the irrational beliefs and unhealthy thoughts identified,

then in your journal write down affirmations which are healthy boundary

builders. You will need these boundary builders as you begin to take steps to

protect your rights, privacy and personal space.

Step 4: In order to ensure your healthy boundaries are maintained, you next need

to add the following behaviors to your healthy boundary builders repertoire.

Each healthy boundary-builder behavior is linked to a respective Tools for

Coping Series topic. To ensure the healthy boundary-building behaviors are in

place, work out in your journal each of the " Steps to " sections of the

boundary-builder behavior topics referenced.

Healthy Boundary-Builder Behaviors

* Building Trust

* Handling Insecurity

* Handling Fear of Rejection

* Handling the Need for Approval

* On Becoming a Risk taker

* Becoming Vulnerable

* Handling Intimacy

*Goal Setting in Relationships

* Overcoming Fears

* Improving Assertive Behavior

* Accepting Personal Responsibility

* Handling Conflict

* Handling Guilt

* Overcoming the Role of Victim or Martyr

* Handling the Use of Power and Control

* Handling Confrontation

* Handling Forgiving and Forgetting

* Creating a Healing Environment

* Developing Detachment

* Eliminating Over-dependency

* Eliminating Passive Aggressiveness

* Eliminating Manipulation

* Tempering Survival Behaviors

* Developing Self-Control

Step 5:Once you have completed acquiring the healthy boundary-building

behaviors, then begin to implement them as you proceed in your relationships at

home, work and in your community. If you find you are still experiencing your

emotional and/or physical boundaries being ignored or violated, then return to

Step 1 and begin again.