Why won't she accept help??? WHY???? (very long post, sorry)

[Guest guest]

It was a rough day for my mom today, and I just got off the

telephone with her crying.

Where to start? My brother, Jeff (13 DS-Autism), was with my mother

alone today, which, in my opinion, is dangerous. Jeff is bigger and

stronger. But, the weather was so nice today that my mom agreed

that my dad should go play golf with his friends. Whenever this

happens, I can predict with nearly 100% certainty how the day is

going to end, and that is with my mom at the end of her rope. What

happened today? Here is the rundown.

My mom took Jeff to the park. She said it all started out well.

But, as they left, Jeff attacked my mom and ripped her shirt

completely off. After Jeff calmed down, my mom had to cover herself

as she drove home while crying and trying to make sure Jeff didn't

have another meltdown, all at the same time, which is dangerous. She

had to park in the garage so the neighbors wouldn't see.

My mom cooked Jeff dinner while keeping track of him and trying to

make sure he didn't have another spell. She made him roast beef and

corn (cut off the cob). She has always worked hard to make sure all

her kids had a home cooked meal, creating some of my fondest

memories growing up. I'm sure my two grown sisters would agree.

Anyway, while she was doing her cooking, my dad had called me and

asked if I had spoken to my mom. I told him that I had, and let him

know about the park incident. So, he called my mom and said, " I

heard it has been a rough day. "

While my dad was on the telephone with her, Jeff runs over and tips

all the food my mom had just cooked for him onto the floor.

Two things had just happened that had my mother calling me crying

again. First, the fact that I told my dad she had a rough day with

Jeff, as if it were some sort of secret or unexpected. Second, Jeff

threw his food off the table.

Let's address the first reason, as the second reason for her being

upset is pretty obvious. My mom was upset with me for telling my

dad she had a rough day with Jeff. You see, she so badly wants to

be able to take care of Jeff on her own, for people to perceive her

as doing a good job, and for my dad to feel comfortable going out

and doing something for himself, like playing golf. She has this

attitude that Jeff is her and my dad's obligation alone, and resists

shifting the burdon onto somebody else. " Jeff is my

responsibility, " she often says. It is as if, after all these years

with Jeff, she considers herself as " Failing " as a parent because of

Jeff's continued behavior. Which brings me to my question for

anyone who might have advice for me. Why does she have this

attitude, and WHY WON'T SHE ACCEPT HELP?

Over the past few weeks I have been looking for people who could

assist with Jeff, and I found a few people with potential. My

parents interviewed one of them yesterday evening, and he is going

to spend a few hours with Jeff and my dad tomorrow. But, already,

even before giving the guy a chance, my mom is saying, " How am I

going to leave Jeff with this guy when he acts like this? I don't

want to put this responsibility on someone else. He is not going to

be able to handle it. "

The thing is, this guy says he works with people like Jeff for a

living. He has training. He even runs a camp for people like

Jeff. Why wouldn't she want to have him help, especially at $40 an

hour. I'm almost to the point where I think at least a little of it

has to do with my mom not wanting people to know how Jeff really is

for fear they will think that she is not doing a good job with him.

I don't think she realizes how much people admire her, even though

she hears it from people all of the time. But, the funny thing is,

she almost seems to take offense when people tell her that.

Well, I'm sorry me posting here is such a one way street, with you

all always the one's giving advice and me not able to offer much in

exchange. I can't offer much more in exchange other than my

appreciation.