Re: Grocery shopping with RA and hubby Tracie

[Guest guest]

Tracie:

No, you're not a fool - you are simply going through

what we all have, guilt over not being able to do

things we used to do, and having to have others in the

family take over for us. Husbands especially seem to

take badly to this sort of thing, as they usually are

going out working, and think that is all they have to

do, and we take care of the rest - well, that used to

be the case, but we can not longer just take care of

all the rest on our own. My husband will stop by the

store for me if I need something or a small list, but

I generally just get out with my 19 year old daughter,

who drives and helps me to shop, or I do it myself in

small doses. Although I don't live far out of the way

from the stores like you do. Yours sounds like quite

the trek. I don't know what you can do to make it

better, it's just one of those things. Hang in there

-

Kathe in CA

--- tracierae143 <tracierae143@...> wrote:

> Hello all,

>

> I know I have not been on the board forever, but I

> do read once in

> awhile. Does anyone else find it impossible to

> grocery shop? I

> just cannot do it, especially alone. We have a

> large family of five

> with two older children who eat a lot now, LOL, so

> we buy a lot of

> cases and bulk items. We don't live near the

> grocery store so I

> cannot make several trips it has to be one huge

> weekly run cause we

> live in the middle of nowhere basically. It is a

> good 35-40 miles

> to the nearest decent grocery store and that drive

> alone tuckers me

> out plus all the walking in the store. I cannot

> push the cart once

> it becomes too full. I have a lot of trouble with

> RA in my hands,

> hips and spine as well as my feet. Hubby has been

> taking this chore

> over for the last several weeks, but he hates it or

> seems to as he

> just seems so disgusted with me like I am going to

> just jump up one

> day and miraculously be healed. I know he means

> well, but I feel so

> useless in his eyes. Does this make sense to anyone

> else or am I

> just a big fool? I am trying to do better with

> other chores around

> the house like bathing our smallest daughter who is

> 5 and washing

> her hair which is very, very difficult for me, but I

> am really

> trying and have been pretty successful with it. It

> is hard to braid

> her hair etc with these hands, but I am managing

> somehow. My 14-

> year-old daughter is a blessing and once she can

> drive I know she

> will go get the groceries just to get out of the

> house bless her

> heart. I hate going to the grocery store with our

> youngest so one

> of us has to stay home with her. She is not a good

> grocery shopper,

> she wants something on every isle like all small

> children.

>

> What do you all do? Feel free to email me at

> tracierae143@...

> or post here, whichever is easier. I would

> appreciate any of your

> thoughts on this matter.

>

> Thanks so much and my prayers go out to you all as

> always,

>

> Tracie in Maine

>

>

>

>

Kathe

" To ride a horse is to borrow freedom. "

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

This is such a hard issue. I know my husband became quite ill several years ago

hen our kids weere babies and it forced me into taking on everything in our life

as my chore, my resposnsibilty. Our life changed some becuz I simply could not

do everything. And he could do nothing. But I gradually learned how to manage.

ANd then I got sick with RA. My disability is quite different than his. His

hands and feet work, mine do not. Eventually I had to stop working. I tried

hard to keep up with everything at home especially after I had to stop working.

But slowly there is more and more I cannot do. My 2 girls, how I cried when I

could no longer braid their beautiful then waist length hair. How I sobbed when

I could no longer roll out sugar cookies that I used to make for every special

occasion. It tears my heart when my son wants me to be a chaperone of a school

field trip that is not accessible using my scooter.

The sad reality is that many many many thing have changed and become impossible.

Our daily life has changed so dramatically. My girls now brush my hair (and

often my teeth, when my hands flare that badly) My young son now peels off those

ready to bake cookies for us for special days.

I learned so working at the nursing home and takeing care of my best friend

recently who had MS and advanced cancer and from trying to take care of my

mother who had brain cancer. Way way too many people just cannot understand, do

not understand. It is denial. It is very hard to see someone you love lose

abilities to do things they want to do or " need " to do. My siblings and I went

to all the doc appts with our mom, all 5 of us, spanning many ages and walks of

life. I am oldest at 47 and a nurse, my bro is 44 and lays blacktop for what

was my moms company. My other bro is a minister, his wife is a social worker

and his twin (they are 35) my sister is a housewife and volunteer at her church

for shut ins. Her husband is a pharmacist and our youngest bro is 19. ALl of

us heard the doc say---palliative, non restorative, end stage, buy time, maybe a

month. Cannot be alone at all.

My siblings refused to accept my mom was not being how she was to " be a spoiled

diva " or " to get attentions " I moved into moms house to watch her, but there

was much I could not do, either. ANd then my husband got very very ill and on

top of it my son injured his eye and required major eye surgery at a university

5 hours away, with my husband inpatient at another hospital far from home. Even

then my siblings had this idea my mother did not need help or supervision or

care. They would not come to her and would not help hire a home care giver.

Denial. People simply cannot accept a health decline or something that majorly

changes a persons abilities.

My home no longer runs smoothly. My husbands health continues to decline, my

son has needs due to his eye, and some days my middle daughter has to tend to

them.

SOmetimes we do go without some much needed groceries. I did have to cancel one

of my sons eye surgeon appointments becuz I got in the car and tried to drive

the 5 hour trip and got an hour in and realized I could not drive, it was unsafe

for me to do so. My siblings see this as me being dramatic.

I look around my once nice home and often spend my day crying while the kids are

at school. My neighbors complain to my village about my often untended yard.

Ironically I once belonged to a service organization to help disabled veterans,

and we were seeking people to help. Our group wanted to rake leaves for

someone, my husband is a disabled vet and I mentioned our own leaves needed

raking at our house. My organization thought it was a joke. 3 weeks later the

commandant stopped by our house for something and commented that I really needed

to do something with my house and yard. I reminded him of my husbands long list

of diagnoses and disabilities, and my own and those of 2 of my children,

explaining why our house and yard were in such neglect. He left and even then

our organization STILL thought it a joke. I resigned my position in the

organization shortly after, while they were still trying to find someone to

help.

MY sister brings meals to shut ins. I called her one day when my husband was in

one hospital and my son in another and I was flaring especially bad. I begged

her and begged her to come make me and my other 2 kids some PB & Js. She

laughed at me and said I had to be kidding and besides, she told me, a lady at

her church had a cold and she was making them dinner.

People cannot see when someone they love needs help. It is too difficult, too

painful. (for them)

Maybe you can take your husband in to the doc with you? Maybe the doc can help

your husband understand? Maybe you can let him visit this group.

Maybe he just needs time to learn and accept.

Aw heck, I still have days when I cannot accept my new limits. I find it hard

to realize 3 years ago I did all the daily care for 300 pound comatose people

and quadriplegics and now I need my kids to brush my teeth sometimes.

It is also complicated by the fact some days I can do some things and some days

I can't.

Hang in there.

- In , Kathe Sabetzadeh <lv2ryd@y...> wrote:

>

> Tracie:

>

> No, you're not a fool - you are simply going through

> what we all have, guilt over not being able to do

> things we used to do, and having to have others in the

> family take over for us. Husbands especially seem to

> take badly to this sort of thing, as they usually are

> going out working, and think that is all they have to

> do, and we take care of the rest - well, that used to

> be the case, but we can not longer just take care of

> all the rest on our own. My husband will stop by the

> store for me if I need something or a small list, but

> I generally just get out with my 19 year old daughter,

> who drives and helps me to shop, or I do it myself in

> small doses. Although I don't live far out of the way

> from the stores like you do. Yours sounds like quite

> the trek. I don't know what you can do to make it

> better, it's just one of those things. Hang in there

> -

>

> Kathe in CA

>

> --- tracierae143 <tracierae143@y...> wrote:

>

> > Hello all,

> >

> > I know I have not been on the board forever, but I

> > do read once in

> > awhile. Does anyone else find it impossible to

> > grocery shop? I

> > just cannot do it, especially alone. We have a

> > large family of five

> > with two older children who eat a lot now, LOL, so

> > we buy a lot of

> > cases and bulk items. We don't live near the

> > grocery store so I

> > cannot make several trips it has to be one huge

> > weekly run cause we

> > live in the middle of nowhere basically. It is a

> > good 35-40 miles

> > to the nearest decent grocery store and that drive

> > alone tuckers me

> > out plus all the walking in the store. I cannot

> > push the cart once

> > it becomes too full. I have a lot of trouble with

> > RA in my hands,

> > hips and spine as well as my feet. Hubby has been

> > taking this chore

> > over for the last several weeks, but he hates it or

> > seems to as he

> > just seems so disgusted with me like I am going to

> > just jump up one

> > day and miraculously be healed. I know he means

> > well, but I feel so

> > useless in his eyes. Does this make sense to anyone

> > else or am I

> > just a big fool? I am trying to do better with

> > other chores around

> > the house like bathing our smallest daughter who is

> > 5 and washing

> > her hair which is very, very difficult for me, but I

> > am really

> > trying and have been pretty successful with it. It

> > is hard to braid

> > her hair etc with these hands, but I am managing

> > somehow. My 14-

> > year-old daughter is a blessing and once she can

> > drive I know she

> > will go get the groceries just to get out of the

> > house bless her

> > heart. I hate going to the grocery store with our

> > youngest so one

> > of us has to stay home with her. She is not a good

> > grocery shopper,

> > she wants something on every isle like all small

> > children.

> >

> > What do you all do? Feel free to email me at

> > tracierae143@y...

> > or post here, whichever is easier. I would

> > appreciate any of your

> > thoughts on this matter.

> >

> > Thanks so much and my prayers go out to you all as

> > always,

> >

> > Tracie in Maine

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

> Kathe

>

> " To ride a horse is to borrow freedom. "

>

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

I have come to believe I musta been a truly awful person in a previous life.

I have a few close friends who live far from me, and I keep asking them, what is

it about me that I seem to bring out the worst in people- my friends - it blows

their mind my experiences. (from my neighbors, and my family etc) I keep

trying to learn if I am somehow causing the weirdness and coldness...to the

point I even run much of my communication past my far away friends to try to

make sure I am not expecting too much or being slefish myself etc.

So, all any of us can think is I musta been a truly terrible person in a

previous life. Cuz my current friends (who have most known me for 20+ year) all

keep reassureing me I am kind generous, genlte and sweet.

I try.

ANyway.it still remains, our loved ones often cannot accept our limits right

away.it is (or can be) painful for them.

- In , N2kids@a... wrote:

>

>

>

>

>

> In a message dated 1/29/2006 10:18:09 AM Central Standard Time,

> dreamer_plus@w... writes:

>

> I called her one day when my husband was in one hospital and my son in

> another and I was flaring especially bad. I begged her and begged her to

come

> make me and my other 2 kids some PB & Js. She laughed at me and said I had

to

> be kidding and besides, she told me, a lady at her church had a cold and she

> was making them dinner.

>

> People cannot see when someone they love needs help. It is too difficult,

> too painful. (for them)

>

>

>

> Difficult and painfull, yeah probably. But it sounds to me they are very

> selfish people not to help their own family. The neighbors called and

complained

> about your yard? OMG. Then have them come and help if it bothers them so

> much. sorry you have to deal with inconsiderate neighbors along with

everything

> else. I too have days where is it and cry after i get Zac to school and

> hubby leaves for work. But now that my daughter is 2and a half,i try to hide

it

> from her. God bless her big heart...One day she came in ans saw me crying and

> asked mama why you crying? " I told her i was sad and not to worry about me.

> This is her exact words~ " Mami dont cry i love you. Its ok. " Amazing what

> they inderstand so young. Ok i'm done now sorry hugs

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

--- In , " dreamer_plus " <dreamer_plus@w...>

wrote:

>

>

> I have come to believe I musta been a truly awful person in a

previous life.

I'm someone who believes in karma and past lives, but do not see bad

happenings as punishment. No need to judge ourselves or torment

ourselves by agonizing about why things are as they are. It's more

helpful to look at difficulties in our lives and ask ourselves, " How

can I use this to become stronger, wiser, more compassionate? " It's

empowering.

Sierra