Re: self pity

January 19, 2002

Hey don't feel bad at all for venting I have been using this board for almost 2 years now for that exact purpose.

I don't want to minimize your situation, just let me tell you that my situation was really really bad when I got sick and although at least I wasn't in a foreign country I was very much alone in many many ways.

When I got my implants I had just ended a somewhat abusive (verbal) relationship with a man we had been together for 5 years, I was living for the first time on my own, I had my daughter who was 7 at the time, half time, joint custody ...

I was making $30,000 a year, in the most expensive place in the country, the SF bay area, and while I had a wonderful exciting job at Stanford University Medical Center, I was struggling to pay my bills, and some just didn't get paid, but I wanted those boobs so bad I scrimped and saved my income tax returns and every dime I had to get them.

So my ex BF moved out of my Mobile home, and I was finally single, right? This I thought was going to be the time of my life, I had plans to go back to college and get a degree in computer sciences, or something along those lines, since the area was ripe for computer jobs and healthcare seemed to be going down the tubes financially I could make a killing in computers, I also was thinking ya know, my hot new figure, I was healthy, I was going to get it together and work out, spend time with my kid but also have a new and exciting social life now without my abusive BF, well, within 2 months of getting implants my world crumbled and there I was getting this sickness, so what was to be the prime time of my life at 34 was now my biggest nightmare, I went to work in a dizzy fog,couldn't see straight, aches and pains, clinging to my job because if I lost that I had nothing, no medical insurance nothing, I was a mess and I was suicidal, depressed is a mild word for what I went through.

It was a long road from there to where I am now, who would have imagined I would end up meeting such a wonderful man and moving off to Idaho, even if things are still not perfect they are wonderful and I am so blessed, so the purpose of me telling you this is everything happens for a reason.

Right now you are upset and rightly so, but your so blessed, you are healthy, you don't have chronic pain or any of these things, this is wonderful, nothing is better than health, you have a healthy child and a wonderful man in your life who is concerned enough about you that he isn't putting your breast size ahead of your health, so you do what you have to do to hang on to those things.

I mean I am not saying it isn't tough, it sounds hard I can't imagine living in a foreign country but my husband has done it many times, he lived in Austria for a short time, he actually is in charge of a plant there in in Austria, maybe someday we will come out there and we could meet?

The thing here I am telling you dear dear is that you are not alone, although your far away you have friends and women who care here on this board, I care, I am your friend, I know the financial thing, believe me it kept me from getting the implants out too, for awhile till finally I decided that I had to do something, I couldn't wait anylonger, so I did what I had to, I called my mom and said I needed $10,000 bucks and that I would pay her back someday but that I had to have the implants out and only the best PS was going to do it or I might as well just keep them, she said ok, she put it on her platinum card, sometimes you just have to do what you have to do, there isn't any other choice.

I hated asking my parents for that money it was so hard, but I did it because I had to try to get my health back, and then look how things just worked out, I ended up meeting and marrying the man of my dreams, he loves me and loves me as I am, he has never known me where I didn't have a medical issue, or pain, he did see me with implants and we were together for one weekend and that was it, and he saw me right after my explant when I felt so deformed and he still married me, and we have such a wonderful loving relationship, I am so blessed, and you just can never say what will happen next.

I think that there is always a way to come up with money when and if you absolutely have to, and there are other Dr's who are less than Feng that are supposed to be as good, for me it was just a personal thing, a gut instinct that told me Feng was the one, but Huang in Denver is also supposed to be great and probably about half as much, there are always options, yes, priorities must be worked out, but in the end, money isn't everything, and things are just things, I know, I have lived with out things all my life and was healthy and now I have things all kinds of wonderful things and a beautiful home and ya know what, none of it makes a difference when it comes to your health, I would trade all my worldly goods for health, everything I have for health, except my husband and my family, but you see what I am saying.

I don't know, but I suspect your husband feels the same.

Now I am curious since my husband is so familiar with Germany where you are, there are things there that you could do, get involved with I am sure, but the internet is great, I don't have any real friends here in Idaho yet, but I have this internet and that is great.

Hey I am rambling out of control here and should stop, I just want to say that I am here for you, and that no matter what you choose to do remember one thing first and foremost, health is the most important thing in the world, that is the bottom line.

Your so blessed to have that, try to cheer up, things always have a way of working out, god has a plan for us all, we need to trust in his power and love for us, that what we go through is meant to happen for whatever reason, I know I am a better person today for all I have endured.

Please feel free to vent anytime and also to email me personally I would love to chat.

Love and hugs

----- Original Message -----

From: DanzButterflies@...

Sent: Tuesday, January 22, 2002 8:33 PM

Subject: self pity

Thanks and thank's to everyone for their information, support, etc. I really appreciate that I have some place to come to and talk about my questions, concerns and thoughts.

I keep getting down alot lately because of all this, plus other things - and this only exacerbates everything. I've been so homesick here that we were trying to think of ways to make it more comfortable here. Besides buying much needed furniture, we had wanted to get our daughter an instrument for her third birthday to begin learning early such as violin or cello. And after looking at the instruments we decided we wanted to get a full-size cello for me...something to be therapeutic to play when I was feeling down about being homesick. Something we'd have to save for. Now any hopes of improving our lives is again being put off now because of the importance of my health. Those things are certainly no good without me being here or hurting my health seriously. So now I'm not only down about having to scrape every last cent for a surgery that I probably can't do until summer, I'm also down that I have to face everyday in a stressful environment. It's too lengthy to get into, let's just say there are no closets, kitchen sink and still without dryer having to hang clothes in the apt to dry, there are only two laundrymats and both are filthy with broken machines. They don't have the dryer thing figured out yet. Just a German thing here. It's so hard for me to adjust we had wanted to purchase shelves, install sink and buy a dryer as well (just to name the most pressing things) so it wouldn't be so disorganized and crazy here...but it all just gets delayed. I have no English speaking friends except for online or tv to distract my thoughts with a little humor....I get a little 'stuck' inside with my daughter because it's too cold outside to walk around and there is nothing nearby (not allowed in yard outside apt, our landlord misinformed us and the park down the road has broken glass in the play area not to mention all the play equipment is coverd in every-so attractive graffiti -*sarcasm* not exactly a place I care to hang out with my daughter). I have anxiety to venture out into town on my own with her on the train and my husband has the car for work. Everything is a challenge..I have to order ordinary things I need or want online decaf coffee/tea (Germans are not up on the decaf idea) and have to wait 2 months for them. It's really a miserable thing to be an expat in a foreign country. There is nothing exotic about it at all.

Well, I'm sorry to take up space about personal problems. I know life could be worse. I just don't have many if any places to go to self-loathe. Ya'll are all so supportive of each other. I've been thinking about how I could possibly fly over to America for the surgery during the summer. I think flights are probably the most expensive then, I don't know...but I know most German's travel during that time and flights go up during the prime season.

Well, thanks for letting me vent.

January 19, 2002

Dear ,

My email address is cjheer@..., you can email anytime, we can talk more I am here for you.

I have been through much much adversity too, and still each day I live with the chronic pain that is so bad sometimes and others more tolerable, either way it is something I know I did to myself with my choice of getting implants put inside me.

I can accept it, most days, other days I am angry and resentful. Someone once said I have emotional problems, well yes I think I do, I think anyone who has had illness from implants or had to face this in thier lives has some emotional scars to be sure.

Thank you for the beautiful poem, yes i remember watching American Beauty for the first time, when I was still so ill with my implants, everything affected me in strange ways then because my life was so surreal with the brain fog so intense I often times didn't even feel I knew who I was anymore, or that I was losing my mind, my sanity.

I basically lost my daughter to implant illness, because I was so ill I couldn't be a mom to her, unless the definition of a mom is someone who spends all her energy tryting to get through a day of work only to come home and collapse of sickness and exhaustion on the couch, with barely enough energy to cook a meal let alone talk to my child.

There were trips when I had a few days off, to the beach, to Santa Cruz to ride some rides, I would pull my self together enough and just walk through the haze that was my brain to try so hard to be normal, these outings would end with me in my bedroom in tears of desperation, the room spinning wildly, trying to figure out what was wrong with me and why no one could help me.

The only one who seemed to understand was a few PS's, Dr Kolb, Dr Feng, no one else listened or understood so really I was labeled a depressed anxious woman, oh man how did I get off on this anyhow LOL.

Back to you and your situation, you will be ok, you are healthy now, you probably don't need to rush into explant half cocked and do anything rash, if you have tolerated implants this long it is likely you can go another few months or so and will be ok, there is risks, but there are risks with everyday life too so not to stress my dear, your situation is not as critical as was mine, I was sick, I was toxic, dying slowly, I could feel death was coming, just not soon enough to end my anguish and suffering, I remember when I would wake up 5x a night and be so disoriented that I would bang into everywall in my house, that was when I couldn't do it anymore, the spinning the falling feeling, those things were so scarey and not a single person but some ladies on this group understood it at all, so I did not waste anymore time, I gave implants 18 months and that was it, time to get them out.

It isn't all bad without implants, you will be fine with it, just do it with the right Dr and with the right attitude and at the right time and it will be a peaceful decision that you can live with.,

As far as your living situation it sounds like you need to get away from where you are, that sounds awful, but again, I know how much I love my husband and would probably live anywhere he wanted me too at least for awhile, I already told him that with my health being so precarious that it would be hard to live in a foreign country even to visit I would be worried about water and such things that could make me ill.

I want so badly to travel something I now can finally afford to do and we do lots of local things, like within the few states near us, it is awesome, beautful country here, I love it, the snow is gorgeous and different for this California girl, the mountains spectacular, but the small town life has its problems when it comes to medical care that is an issue, I do work in a pretty good hospital and Salt Lake is full of excellent medical care about 3 hours away, Boise about 4.

Anyhow I sure can get to rambling, I can say I do not regret getting my implants out anymore, at first when I still felt awful I had feelings of doubt and wondered if I would ever get well and if it was worth it, but my brain has recovered so well that it was worth it, for me it took about 6-9 months to really see improvement, and I have energy again so that makes all the difference, now why my pain is still so bad I am still finding out, osteoarthritis, osteoporosis all this at 37 years old, why, I don't know, I have been hard on my body in my life, so accept the blame for some of it, alll of it realy, but implants just seemed to be the triggering event, the traumatic thing that sent everything out of control, and now I am searching still for answers, my husband has saved me and does so everyday, his love, his support, his massages, his undying capacity to give and give and give is amazing, much of it I believe is his religious upbringing, and that is what I love and am attracted to the most.

Spirituality is very important, do you pray? Attend church? Read the scriptures, these things can be soothing and comforting to your life right now.

Try to find something to wrap yourself up in in the mean time other than implants, it is hard, I remember the very first day I was achey and found about 5 swollen lymph nodes in my groin area and a big one in my left breast, panic set in and I got on the net and when I read this stuff I was so terrified I freaked, then I calmed down, then I went back and forth, could it be coincidence, could it be the implants, etc etc it ate me up from then on, and I think my fate with the implants was sealed really from the very first time I felt ill.

Anyhow you will be ok, you just reach in and find the stregnth to do what you need to do, for yourself, your daughter, your family that is how it goes, there are not many choices, one must be strong to get through this, I know you can do it, hang tough, think things through and be cautious yet firm with your decision, once you make it, stick with it and you will find peace.

Implants are not what life is all about, life is about health, love, family, laughter, and yes tears too, but most importantly god loves us all we are all his children and he will take care of us and give us what we need, the first step is to want to help yourself, then you can.

I believe that you will come out great and strong form this adversity, I know I am so much tougher than I used to be, and it has caused me to grow up and grow as a person, to have so much more compasion for others esp for the sick, I used to just go to work and see patients that were sick and not have a clue what it was like and now I can relate to the pain they feel, and I understand, it is a hard lesson but life is full of them.

Hang in there girl and email me when ever you want, we can talk and you can pour your heart out to me, remember too that most people don't get it when it comes to the implant thing, they are so clueless, my husband was one of them, he didn't even know they still did implants,ha when I told him I had them when we first got together he was like are those still legal are they safe? He had no idea half the women in magazines and on tv are all implanted, I told him all the stuff and now he is like, oh my hell I can't believe it.

Anyhow, last night called me, she is 27 years old and had smooth implants, for 3 years she was sick from the get go, right away but never even connected it, well she had them removed yesterday and she is so happy she was excstatic when we spoke last night, very happy to be free of them, she is so young to be so ill, it is sad, she has had no one that believed her or understood till she found this group.

Well I am rambling again, today is my baptizm and I am nervous, about 40 people are coming so it will be very exciting and I am praying that the lord will comfort me and help me to be free of pain, as I continue on this healing journey, it has been a tough road, but in reality it has been a learning experience and I am a better person for it.

Love and hugs,

----- Original Message -----

From: DanzButterflies@...

Sent: Thursday, January 24, 2002 8:45 AM

Subject: Re: self pity

Dear ,

Thank you so much for your thoughts. I don't know if you realize how much it means to me. I would very much like to email you personally, perhaps you can contact me through the email, since I don't see your email address.

I'm trying to cope with my feelings that move from sadness, anxiety, anger, to hope sometimes....that just go back and forth between the variety depending on how I'm feeling, what I'm reading...other outside influences.

I tried to explain to my father-in-law why I am angry...but he doesn't want to hear it...he just says its all in my head. I told him about the implant problem and how my health and maybe life is at risk and all he could say was it's all in my head again. I don't think he understands every English word nor do I think he cares to understand. I wasn't planning on saying anything so soon, but it drives me crazy that they develop this atmosphere of silence - only talk about what they want to and if it's about us, it can only be about superficial things or my husband's work or my daughter. When it comes to me or my feelings or my health - they could care less. My husband although he tries to be there for me, I don't know...just is too passive to deal with many things, from even discussing issues with his parents here. I had to threaten my husband to get him to talk to his parents one time, when my father-in-law left my daughter squatted down behind his car, that he was getting ready to leave in ....and then being just a few feet away from the street and a car zoomed by while he had his head stuck down in the front seat of the car doing something. My FIL is the type of person who is friendly, jolly and careless when it comes to people. Unless when it comes to monetary gifts. He has been very giving that way.

Anyway, I'm rambling on about this. Today I am so upset I think I am going to try and return to the U.S. with my daughter by summertime. My husband can just stay here and work a little longer to make the transition smoother...and then I'll have to deal with the implants being out. At least that is how I feel today. Maybe when I calm down, I'll be able to face tolerating this (perhaps self-imposed) prison that I live in. I just hate it, because it affects my daughter so much. I can't be like a 'normal' mom who takes her daughter out to the park. I cannot tolerate walking around the cement streets here aimlessly, constantly being reminded of my disgust at this place. At least when I hibernate inside, I don't have to face what's out there, what I'm missing, that I gave up my life. We watched "American Beauty" last night for the first time and that's how I feel too...."dead". It's so overwhelming between that and now the issues of the implants, I think I cry everyday now. Have you ever read the poem called 'Sympathy' by Lawrence Dunbar...I'll close this email with that. - (distressed)

Sympathy I know what the caged bird feels, alas!When the sun is bright on the upland slopes,When the wind blows soft through the springing grassAnd the river floats like a sheet of glass,When the first bird sings and the first bud opes,And the faint perfume from its chalice steals -I know what the caged bird feels I know why the caged bird beats his wingTill its blood is red on the cruel bars;For he must fly back to his perch and clingWhen he fain would be on the bow a-swin;And the blood still throbs in the old, old scarsAnd they pulse again with a keener sting -I know why he beats his wing! When his wings are bruised and his bosom sore, -When he beats his bars and would be free;It's not a carol of joy or glee,But a prayer that he sends from his heart's deepcore,But a plea, that upward to Heaven he flings -I know why the caged bird sings!

----- Original Message -----

From: Heer

Sent: Saturday, January 19, 2002 4:56 AM