Guest guest Posted May 19, 2006 Report Share Posted May 19, 2006 Sondra, Would it be ok if I wrote to you off site at your e-mail? I was just wondering as I personally know what you are talking about and relate in feelings almost 100%. What you express feeling, I have been through and sometimes continue to go through, but for now I am doing good and wanted to maybe tell you how I got through and see if it could maybe help you. If you don't want me to that is ok, but I really would like to, as there are some things too personal to share here with everyone. Just let me know, and for now to help you feel un-stuck Try to think about yourself from your feelings. You are not " crazy " you are not in need of being locked up. " That will make a person crazy " . You are intellegent, educated (even if you've had to educate yourself) and you love people. You know that you are not faking Autism and who you are, so stop worrying what those people said. I know it is hard to, and I'm not saying that you have to forget or forgive right now what they said, but just know, that it doesn't matter what their opinion of you is. In the big scheme of things I know and I know that you know (even if right now you are questioning everything) but you know that there is a God, and he knows what you are thinking, Who you are, and whether you are faking Autism or not. He is the ONLY one that matters. He is the one who loves us and is our real father(not the biological scum we sometimes are stuck with in Earth). He loves us and he will someday let all people know who you really are and how wonderful you are and he will one day let them see past the lables that they give you to see a radiant woman, just how you are and who you are with no label. Race won't matter, politics won't matter, size won't matter, age won't matter, none of that will or does matter to God or Jesus Christ. They just love you for who you are and because you tried your hardest - no one elses hardest, but your hardest! And he will be proud of you for that, cuz he knows that was your best. Sondra, I know this may sound Cheesy to you, but I want you to know that I Love You! I don't just say that to anyone, but you have dared to share your life with people just to help them, you have kept going when most others would have given up. You are a role model and an amazingly giving and open person and I love you for those things and for sharing a bit of You with me and all of us here. There has been moments in my life when I knew that no-one cared about me and when I knew that it would be easier to just take my life as you mentioned, but I also knew that God would be sad and he did not want that for me. So I chose to tough it out. I am so glad that I did. My life is hard and may not be ideal to many others but I am very happy with it. Happy that I have it and happy that I stopped worrying so much about what others thought of me, and focussed on God's opinion of me and my own opinion of me. For now I hope that this helps. Please feel free to e-mail me off post or let me know and I will e-mail you privately. For now good night and get some rest if you can and I will check in on you tomorrow. Love, Esther --- sondra wrote: > thanks for the words of encourage to me and wanted > to say have been > ot be so much confsued this day and overwhelmed by > the words of > anther it caused me to not be to know what to think > and as shared > felt to give up the connect to all in complete > because felt not sure > if was autism any more or was of just plain of > mentally ill and need > of locked away . I to destroyed of the second book I > to be working > on . Now in sad because cant redo it , it to took > many years working > on it. I to felt as to just give and up and in all > honesty was > battling the inner urge to take life of self and > fighted through but > seeked out clarifications to self to understand of > self to be to > refelct and see if the thinking is of true or just > amixed miked up > things . Yes been of coping too much things, bee of > sick , been of > trying to do right in responsiblity and > expectatiions too long. I to > be to dwellled much long this day if living was of > worth it. > > I to be to keep posting and was of stuck because > felt if kept > connecting the implulse and feeling might be to go > away. i to be to > took a drive out and then in the sky God to maked > the biggest > rainbow ever me to see in years and it maked me to > have so many > tears because it gave of me hope as if God was to > say remember my > promises and my words. I to felt as if God to > sended it just for me > to encourage of me and so now feel some calm for > now. > > It is hard to remember that not all hate of me or > think of me in > wrong fashions or think of me as fake person. It is > really be so > hard to be accused of that by people who to never > ever to knowed of > me. Yes I to not be of like most with autism because > I to have it > complexed with autism and severe abuse issues > blended and so it > makes me be of different much so. All of life had > been to seek of > answers and finally the answers come and itbegins to > make of my > whole world make sense to me and it helps me to > understand of self > and to be told you are of fake and such it painful. > it is ot me > saying I to not be to exist and just an illusion. i > to be fearful as > felt was turning into an illusion again and not a > real being and > that maybe I to not be to really be existing and > this causes a > strong panic to me. The therapist to teached me the > birth family > dehumanized me so greatly it distorted my ability to > have a sense of > self . through therapy I to be one who is developong > a sense of self > and it is emerging but things can trigger it to be > to cause me to be > unsure of it again. Growing up in true I to felt > always as if in a > dream state and or was of an illusion it was in true > strong feeling > of that and it was a part of autism as a few other > autisitcs have > shared of the same effect so it was not from the > abuse but the > autism but this same effect caused me ot survive of > the emotional > impact of the abuse as a child but now as adult > aware of the visual > picrures in my thinking that never had words until > was able to find > the words to them and so now the emotions flood with > pains of the > stored pictures in my brain of the past childhood > things to me. > > Anyways calmer and more okay this evening. > > Been trying to find pyschiatrist in my areas that > takes of my > insurance as I to be much aware that I to need to > be on medicine > for a time. Much awarenot coping life well because > too many changes > and expectations. While I to love of my grand > daughter much so it is > much work and changes. > Sondra > > > > __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 21, 2006 Report Share Posted October 21, 2006 Sondra, I'm so sorry you're feeling bad. I hope you get better quickly. Debi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 23, 2006 Report Share Posted October 23, 2006 Sondra, I apologize for the delayed response to your email about your difficult times. I have to tell you that you are one amazing person, who in spite of your past history, you have risen above it in many ways. Even though you had to go to a crisis center this time, you are a strong person still, able to continue to fight. I am glad you are able to post to us. Know that you are loved by many. Take care, Marie > > Sondra, I'm so sorry you're feeling bad. I hope you get better quickly. > > Debi > > > > > > > Autism_in_Girls-subscribe > ------------------------ > Autism_in_Girls-unsubscribe > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 23, 2006 Report Share Posted October 23, 2006 Thnaks for all the well wishes I to be to improving slowly having good moments and some bad moments, feel much sleepy off and on. Somedays my anxiety breaks through strong even past the medications and the whole body of me wakes shaking and stimmy and feels agitated, and other days calm. Yes i to be of fighter girl have to be if want to survive a world not created for me, but other times I to get so overwhelmed by the fight I to give up and not want the fight anymore, only to find self gaining strength to fight once again. Sondra Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 23, 2006 Report Share Posted October 23, 2006 Hi Sondra, Just wanted to say hello. My name is Terri. I don't suffer as you do now, but when my first child was born I had desperate post partum and it was a very low time for me. I have since been on anti depressants for many years. I have low moments and then they pass. The important thing to remember is to take care of yourself and also that this isn't your fault. You are doing the best that you can. I think posting here is a good therapy for you also. It helps to share your feelings and we don't always have a place for that. Keep posting and keep reading, it will keep you going. My thought are with you. email me anytime you would like to talk. Terri Re: sondra Thnaks for all the well wishes I to be to improving slowly having good moments and some bad moments, feel much sleepy off and on. Somedays my anxiety breaks through strong even past the medications and the whole body of me wakes shaking and stimmy and feels agitated, and other days calm. Yes i to be of fighter girl have to be if want to survive a world not created for me, but other times I to get so overwhelmed by the fight I to give up and not want the fight anymore, only to find self gaining strength to fight once again. Sondra Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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