RE: Puberty/Sexuality

[Guest guest]

Hi Jill, I asked one of my friends Terri Couwenhoven, the author of the book Teaching Children with Down Syndrome about Their Bodies, Boundaries, and Sexuality to help with some advice. Here is what she had to say: Hi Sue, Oh boy...first these are very common scenarios. Does she have my book? I know as parents we so want to do the no, stop, inappropriate thing but the big question for most families is " how do you want your son or daughter to handle their sexual feelings? " I see no options for this boy at the moment and when there are NO options...problems begin in a big way (trust me on this). Couple of things: He needs to know that his desire for a girlfriend, his interest in his body (and girls bodies) are all NORMAL! She should diminish his curiosity by showing him pictures of girls (I have some detailed drawings of women in my book- more appropriate for teaching), letting him ask questions, identifying private body parts on the woman, names of those parts (although he seems to already know this) and why it's not okay to make comments on FB- they are private and people get embarrassed. Help him understand what to do with his sexual feelings...at his age keeping them to himself and private is appropriate. When he's old enough to date (whatever rule mom has set for that) it will be okay for him to share his feelings with his partner. Also, there are often escalation in sexual behaviors, sexual inappropriateness during puberty...it does get better over time...there is my hopeful message ( : If mom wants to email me....you can give her my email, tcouwen@.... I get home tomorrow late and then have programming the next 2 weeks pretty intensely but I often do have down time when I'm traveling. Terri Sue MayerMom to Sam (11) who is genuine, unique and perfectly “Sam”www.suemayer-specialneedsmom.blogspot.com From: DownSyndromeInfoExchange [mailto:DownSyndromeInfoExchange ] On Behalf Of Jill sonSent: Sunday, April 29, 2012 9:58 PMTo: DownSyndromeInfoExchange ; kidstogether@...; upsndowns Subject: [DownSyndromeInfoExchange] Puberty/Sexuality Ugh...for those of you with older kids (or maybe not) how have you addressed the whole sexuality issue. Mac is 14 years old, in 8th grade, has Ds and has been desperate for a girlfriend for several years now. Unfortunately, this probably isn't something that is going to happen anytime soon--especially in our very small community. He is pretty much fully developed, and very proud of it, physcially in regards to hair growth, voice change, etc... He has been shaving for a year now, too. About 4 months ago a neighbor alerted me to him saying something inappropriate on someone's Facebook page. When I checked his Facebook I found that he had written " nice boobs " on a female body builder's professional page. When I looked at the page it was a picture of a very attractive, young woman in a bathing suit and she did, indeeded, have " nice boobs " . :-) I was relieved that it wasn't someone he knew. Together we went and deleted the comment and we talked about appropriate and inappropriate things to write on Facebook (or anywhere) and I would say which is a good thing to say " Pretty hair " or " love your butt " . I tried to be tactful in my words for the bad choices, but wanted to get my point across. A few weeks later when I walked in his room and found him on his laptop (where I had set up some parental controls, but obviously not enough) I found him looking at some very explicit pornography. I over-reacted at first, but then calmed down and we talked about those sites aren't appropriate for teenagers and they could get him in trouble, etc... I then took his laptop away (just for a day) while I figured out how to put in more restrictions. So...that problem was solved for the most part. Tonight, I walk into his room and find him on his iPod which he uses all the time, but I could tell he was up to something as he quickly hid it. I asked to see it and he said, " no " . I told him I wanted to see it and he said " I turn it off " . After a minute or two of struggling I get it and turn it back on and open up his Safari app and find again some hard core (to me, but I'm not an expert) pornography sites. I, again, probably didn't handle it right off the bat and started yelling and then crying. I calmed myself down and went back in and told him again, that looking at sites of naked people, doing sexual things with their body parts wasn't good for teenagers. MAYBE it would something for him to look at when he is out of high school, but for now I didn't want him looking at those kinds of things on the internet on his computer of his iPod. I told him I turned off (until he figures out how to turn it back on) his internet access, I removed Safari and his app store until the weekend and then we would talk about putting them back on. I need to find out how to set up some parental controls on there for websites...I guess I did the basics, but that, I guess is for music and videos, not internet websites. My big question is how haveall of you handled these issues? I thought dealing with the school was my most difficult task in raising my kids...until this. I don't want to over react, but I can't ignore it either. Mac is a wonderful kid...pleasant, kind, friendly, outgoing, etc... I understand in this way he is very typical to his 14 year old peers, but he isn't typical. I don't want him growing up to be a " pervert " or a " stalker " or doing/saying something inappropriate to the wrong person at the wrong time and end up in big trouble. HELP!!!

[Guest guest]

Thanks so much, Sue. I do have Terri's book, but actually forgot I had it till someone else reminded me about it. I will pull that out this week and start sharing some of it with Mac. I'm sure there is no easy answer as to how to handle this and the how will probably vary as the years go on. Always something isn't it?Thanks again. Today was a better day for us and I feel better getting support from people who have already dealt with this. JillSent from my iPadx.

Hi Jill, I asked one of my friends Terri Couwenhoven, the author of the book Teaching Children with Down Syndrome about Their Bodies, Boundaries, and Sexuality to help with some advice. Here is what she had to say: Hi Sue, Oh boy...first these are very common scenarios. Does she have my book? I know as parents we so want to do the no, stop, inappropriate thing but the big question for most families is "how do you want your son or daughter to handle their sexual feelings?" I see no options for this boy at the moment a

nd when there are NO options...problems begin in a big way (trust me on this). Couple of things: He needs to know that his desire for a girlfriend, his interest in his body (and girls bodies) are all NORMAL! She should diminish his curiosity by showing him pictures of girls (I have some detailed drawings of women in my book- more appropriate for teaching), letting him ask questions, identifying private body parts on the woman, names of those parts (although he seems to already know this) and why it's not okay to make comments on FB- they are private and people get embarrassed. Help him understand what to do with his sexual feelings...at his age keeping them to himself and private is appropriate. When he's old enough to date (whatever rule mom has set for that) it will be okay for him to share his feelings with his partner. Also, there are often escalation in sexual behaviors, sexual inappropriateness during puberty...it does get better over time...there is my hopeful message ( : If mom wants to email me....you can give her my email, tcouwen@exec

pc.com. I get home tomorrow late and then have programming the next 2 weeks pretty intensely but I often do have down time when I'm traveling. Terri Sue MayerMom to Sam (11) who is genuine, unique and perfectly “Samâ€www.suemayer-specialneedsmom.blogspot.com From: DownSyndromeInfoExchange [mailto:DownSyndromeInfoExchange ] On Behalf Of Jill sonSent: Sunday, April 29, 2012 9:58 PMTo: DownSyndromeInfoExchange ; kidstogether@...; upsndowns Subject: [DownSyndromeInfoExchange] Puberty/Sexuality Ugh...for those of you with older kids (or maybe not) how have you addressed the whole sexuality issue. Mac is 14 years old, in 8th grade, has Ds and has been desperate for a girlfriend for several years now. Unfortunately, this probably i

sn't something that is going to happen anytime soon--especially in our very small community. He is pretty much fully developed, and very proud of it, physcially in regards to hair growth, voice change, etc... He has been shaving for a year now, too. About 4 months ago a neighbor alerted me to him saying something inappropriate on someone's Facebook page. When I checked his Facebook I found that he had written "nice boobs" on a female body builder's professional page. When I looked at the page it was a picture of a very attractive, young woman in a bathing suit and she did, indeeded, have "nice boobs". :-) I was relieved that it wasn't someone he knew. Together we went and deleted the comment and we talked about appropriate and inappropriate things to write on Facebook (or anywhere) and I would say which is a good thing to say "Pretty hair" or "love your butt". I tried to be tactful in my words for the bad choices, but wanted to get my point across. A few weeks later when I walked in his room and found him on his laptop (where I had set up some parental controls, but obviously not enough) I found him looking at some very explicit pornography. I over-reacted at first, but then calmed down and we talked about those sites aren't appropriate for teenagers and they could get him in trouble, etc... I then took his laptop away (just for a day) while I figured out how to put in more restrictions. So...that problem was solved for the most part. Tonight, I walk into his room and find him on his iPod which he uses all the time, but I could tell he was up to something as he quickly hid it. I asked to see it and he said, "no". I told him I wanted to see it and he said "I turn it off". After a minute or two of struggling I get it and turn it back on and open up his Safari app and find again some hard core (to me, but I'm not an expert) pornography sites. I, again, probably didn't handle it righ

t off the bat and started yelling and then crying. I calmed myself down and went back in and told him again, that looking at sites of naked people, doing sexual things with their body parts wasn't good for teenagers. MAYBE it would something for him to look at when he is out of high school, but for now I didn't want him looking at those kinds of things on the internet on his computer of his iPod. I told him I turned off (until he figures out how to turn it back on) his internet access, I removed Safari and his app store until the weekend and then we would talk about putting them back on. I need to find out how to set up some parental controls on there for websites...I guess I did the basics, but that, I guess is for music and videos, not internet websites. My big question is how haveall of you handled these issues? I thought dealing with the school was my most difficult task in raising my kids...until this. I don't want to over react, but I can't ignore it either. Mac is a wonderful kid...pleasant, kind, friendly, outgoing, etc... I understand in this way he is very typical to his 14 year old peers, but he isn't typical. I don't want him growing up to be a "pervert" or a "stalker" or doing/saying something inappropriate to the wrong person at the wrong time and end up in big trouble. HELP!!!