MY PANIC ATTACK

[Guest guest]

Tuesday afternoon, Becky, my mental caseworker took me to the ER. I had been laying in bed unable to breathe, eat, wash, anything for a week.

I had forgotten my headmeds. I was in bad brain fog.

I went to the ER and had to sit in the waiting room for an hour and a half.

Then it began to get dark even tho the lights were all on.

People were walking back and forth, the sliding ent door kept opening and closing, and the muted talking got louder and louder, comming in waves.

I began to shake. I held my hands over my ears, and closed my eyes, and rocked.

Becky saw me in this distress and was trying to talk to me, but she seemed a mile away, and I couldnt make out what she was saying. Once I heard her say, 'don, talk to me'.

Next thing I remember I headed for the outside door, went out and collasped next to the trash can, and held it like I would hold my mother.

Becky kept telling me it was ok, and to come back inside where it was warmer. I began to cry, and told her I just wanted to go home, and get in my bed, under my pillow.

It was like a tital wave of darkness smothering me.

They finally got me back inside and took my heart rate. 174. Is that high?

I remember someone saying I was having a true panic attack.

They gave me a Ativan, and I rocked and cried until it hit.

Im 57. I feel so embarrassed.

I hate it when that happens. Its like hell closing in on me. Or a bad LSD trip.

Im so afraid of treatment. It doesnt sound all that bad when you all talk about it. A little flu, headache, la te da, for a day.

Some of you even seem to be having fun, 'lets do this together'. Like going to Disneyland.

Im sorry you all. This thought just hit me, and now Im very insecure again.

I was doing ok until just now. I think Ill take my headmeds a little early this evening.

Maybe like now. Thank God again for this place I can come and wah wah, without calling the wah-bu-lance.

love

don in kansas