Re: 2 Bobby

[Guest guest]

--- In , " Bobby Walser " <robertwalser@...>

wrote:

>

> I am so sorry to hear about your marriage. I feel for both sides. I

> love my wife, who has RA since she was about 9 years of age.

>

> When were were engaged we used to go out a lot more. Even in our

> younger days of marriage we did.

>

> Now with all of her meds and migranes we are seldom up past 10

pm.Som

> days I pray for strength for when we have big things planned she

has

> a major flare up.

>

> The celebrex and shots help plus the tramadol, but It hurts me too.

>

> When we try to talk she gets defensive and has gonne as far as to

> say, " how dare I talk to her about feeling sorry for myself> " I

feel

> for her greatly, but seek some parts of a normal life too.

>

> Before we married, I skied, biked, ran, and traveled.

>

> I used to buy here fitness memberships (at her request, pool

passes,

> a new piece of exercise equipment, but after using it for a month

or

> two she would be too sore, loose interest or forget about it)

>

> Now we sit home and once in a great while I get out to do

something.

> I want to do things with her but she can not or won't.

>

> Through it all we love each other, but at times it is not easy.

>

Bobby,

I am assuming you want to make things better between the two of you

and that you are trying to understand what's happening because you

belong to the RA group. The fact you two had a strong foundation to

begin with says a lot and although love is the key component to a

good marriage, love does not conquer all, unfortunately. You have to

actually DECIDE to make things work out and keep deciding it if you

have to. A disease such as RA can be a full-time, never resting

destroyer - destroyer of mobility, health, happiness, family, work,

social life, and even personal relationships IF you let it. The RA-

er is so busy fighting the disease at times,…that he or she isn't

able to be the all-in-all person you once knew at the time. They are

usually just hanging on for dear life, unless they have it under

control which some do. Even then a flare can come out of left field

like a speeding bullet leaving you wondering " what happened, you were

fine just a minute ago " … it takes some getting used to for everyone

involved -- if the commitment to stick it out is there, it can

happen. You are gonna have moments where you hate the disease, not

your spouse -- but the disease taking the spouse you once knew, and

so will your spouse, hate the disease, that is. She has to make

adjustments constantly because there are times when she had good

functional hands but now they are gone or feet but now they are gone

or shoulders, or elbows, or knees, etc. slowly she is losing

everything that she just had to make adjustments for last year or the

year before that. I am sure she wouldn't mind you going running or

biking or skiing without her on occasion but no wife wants to be the

one home alone all of the time even when healthy, especially when it

becomes a routine that you are never home. I wouldn't mind it on

occasion, anyway.. And because I too was an outdoor biking and

runner-type person, I still try to go along for certain things,

however, even when I am in pain. I can sit on the sidelines and be

in the midst of it. Sometimes that feels good too. You may have to

help pack her in like the bike with lots of blankets and pillows

around her, but that's only on flare days. She still has needs too

and one is she needs to know no matter what, you will be there. So

many relationships fail for reasons far less than yours so I am sure

that's crossed her mind too. What's important is the foundation of

any relationship has to be a very strong one to begin with in my

opinion, for a condition like this and to just stay together in

general. So many marry for the wrong reasons, myself included, and

then it becomes a blame game, and there is plenty of blame to go

around for eons to come if that foundation was never there.

with sincere best wishes,

Ebony