OT - Toooooooo Funny - outtakes from high school essays!

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Every year, English teachers from across the USA

submit their collections of actual analogies and

metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts

are published each year to the amusement of teachers

across the country. Here are last year's winners.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that

had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and

breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without

Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from

experience, like a guy who went blind because he

looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes

with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country

speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking

at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a

pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli,

and he was room- temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that

sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had

disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as

a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly

surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond

exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like

a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole

scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're

on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at

7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair

after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like

maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed

lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other

like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at

6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka

at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with

picket fences that resembled Kerrigan's teeth.

16. and had never met. They were like two

hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob

informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a

steel trap, only one that had been left out so long,

it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil.

But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you

get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical

lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually

lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and

extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a

fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing

kids around with power tools.

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