battered wife nada...kathleen

[Guest guest]

my nada was a battered wife too. twice. i have thought a lot about

this lately...putting pieces of my life together. my dad...her first

husband was an awesome person. they were married for 10 years. when

he remarried i was 3 years old. so, i have no recollection of dad

and nada together. his second marriage was perfect. he never

physically abused his second wife. nada's stories about my dad

seemed so difficult to believe- because i NEVER saw that side of

him. and when i questioned my half brothers who lived with

him...they said he NEVER did things like my nada described to THEIR

mother.

nada's second marriage i was old enough to remember quite clearly.

and this may sound terrible...but it is a thought that i have had

since childhood...but never allowed myself to validate until

recently. her second husband was also a good man. he layed hands on

her twice in front of me. and...(not sure how to say this) it seemed

to me at the time that nada " drove him to it " so to speak. i

remember listening and watching the fight...and seeing all these

opportunities for nada to END it...or just walk away. but she

wouldn't. HE was trying to end it- he kept saying " just be

quiet...let's drop this...even to the point of BEGGING her to " shut

up " - she wasn't about to oblige. she wouldn't let him end it. it

was as if she WANTED him to smack her...and wasn't going to stop

until he did.

so sad for all involved.

> I rode with my daughter driving home from her performance last

> night. I have PTSD and am very jumpy and I told her I wanted to

> move to the back seat so I wouldn't make her nervous. She was

> so easy-breezy and said, " don't worry about it mom. It will be

> fine. " so I did deep breathing and relaxation exercises to smooth

> things out (discreetly). It was fine. she is a good driver.

>

> Somehow that got me to thinking about WHY I am scared to drive

> and it comes to that nervous breakdown year when I asked my

> father how fast 100mph was, and he decided to show me. No

> seatbelt. He was drunk. Oh what fear, what shouting I did. I was

> 10.

>

> I've been thinking of how scared my father made me when he

> was raging, and how I kept trying to make thing OK. I cannot

> believe I willingly subjected myself to that. He would yell wicked

> stuff like I made my first husband kill himself, and that I was

> going to spend my husband into bankruptcy. He also called me

> a " woman who draws flies " and told me I was the reincarnation

> of my huge and dreadful aunt (nada's sister). He yelled that we

> were " white trash " .

>

> Here is the thing. When he would act that way, nada would never

> correct him, rather get that tight look on her face and pretend

> nothing was going on. When they finally moved out because of a

> horrible, horrible scene that almost involved my poor husband's

> sick sister who was in San Diego for cancer treatment, we

> crossed the line into NO MORE. But it took a really God-awful

> scene and a threat of shooting.

>

> After he would act that way, he would get all weepy and be very

> ashamed for a few days, stable for maybe a week, and then it

> would begin again. We all tiptoed around him.

>

> When he told me " I will not make my home a hospice " . (basically

> kicking my sister in law out) - he basically came down with

> cancer himself.

>

> For years I minimized HIS side of the damage because during

> the stable times, we had a lot in common and he could be

> validating. BUT>>>>>>>> when he turned, he would go for the

> jugular and leave me quaking and ruined in my heart.

>

> We were struggling and had 4 kids when we left that house.

> Then they moved out, and then he got sick and died. We moved

> back in and it was OK for a little bit, then my brother seemed to

> get his latest BP tendencies activated and he began trying to

> control my husband. Which didn't work so it became one more

> thing to have to deal with.

>

> Anyway....the gist of this is that I am now seeing how HORRIBLE

> my father made things for us. I think I had a fantasy idea of him

> and now I can see the whole picture, which is very very scary.

>

> Nada was a battered wife and she found that the way to deal with

> him was to simply not make waves. So when he would be raging

> over one of the 8 kids, she wouldn't agree with him. She didn't

> take up for us either to him. And she never validated me when I

> would complain that it was an unliveable situation.

>

> Then...in the time after his death, she became shallow and just

> started in on me and my husband.

>

> basically I never had a family to count on, to nurture, to protect

> me. Makes me mad in a new way.

>

> How many layers will this thing end up having?

>

> Kathleen

[Guest guest]

Nada was not battered in the sense of those domestic violence movies.

It would start with her goading him. Then they would escalate.

Nada became very submissive after we told her about her pervert

brother 20 years ago. It was as if my father could smell that fact,

and she hid it from him, all the while maintaining a connected

relationship with her perv brothers.

The perv came to visit us in the States 5 times in 20 years, nada

went to Mexico City with him and his family, she went 3 times to the

Philippines to visit them.

All the while acting as though nothing had happened. My father

definitely had some kind of upper hand with her on some topics, but

then she would get back at him with micro control and criticism. It

was an awful marriage if you ask me. Between the two of them they

pretty much tried to destroy all their 8 children.

The scenes I remember of her having a gun to her head and the wire

hanger around her neck, that kind of battering was " normal " during a

scene. He never hit her, but she hit him, one time making him bleed

all over the white rug.Oddly, nada then went to the police (I had to

ride shotgun) and the cops came over and there was my father bleeding

over the rug. Then nada started to blame him, but the cops said

something like, " He's bleeding, lady " . They left without any further

ado.

So when nada writes to me saying my father was the best thing that

ever happened to her.....well, makes me want to run to the bathroom.

See what I mean?

You know how kids from violent households sometimes recreate history

with a spouse? I didn't do that, I went right back in with the same

cast of characters 25 years later. Wow.

Kathleen

[Guest guest]

Hi,

Kathleen said

<<< So when nada writes to me saying my father was the best

thing that ever happened to her.....well, makes me want to

run to the bathroom. See what I mean?>>>

When my parents met, my Fada's family was going to

excommunicate him if he married my Nada. She told him if no

one in your family will even meet me, then the wedding is

off. Fada, desparate, begged and convinced one of his aunts

to meet Nada. She did, they got married, and here I am.

After the nasty divorce, this aunt has repeatedly told me,

Nada, anybody, how guilty she feels: if she hadn't

consented in meeting Nada, the marriage might not have

taken place, so she feels guilty and responsible for Fada

and Nada having had the awful experience of that awful

marriage. Nada is always assuring the aunt that she is glad

the marriage happened - because the result was three

beautiful, wonderful children (and here I'll fill in: whom

she hates, abuses, doesn't see and can't stand).

I know what you mean about running to the bathroom!!

<<<You know how kids from violent households sometimes

recreate history with a spouse? I didn't do that, I went

right back in with the same cast of characters 25 years

later. Wow.>>>

What's really 'wow' is that you managed to see the cycle,

and break it!!! Good for you!!!

Take care,

Hope

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