Mona inner kid stuff and April being supercilious

[Guest guest]

Mona,

When I was in therapy I " ratted " on my inner child enough.I told all

kinds of stuff that happened to " her " . It was never really cathartic.

I kept telling my stories, kept shocking the therapist..and he kept

making judgments against me, with me, against " the perpetrators " ,

whatever.

So after about a year with this fellow, he felt I was ready for " the

inner child workshop " . Ok for 3K I could go to the mountains with him,

live in a 4 bedroom house away from everywhere with several other

" goofballs " . I bought it~ Oh yeah now my inner kid can finally find

peace! Well, the music went on we vomited our crap for days and days.

(only three but it felt like more). He showed us how our screwed up

conditioning set us up for all the bull we lived in the present. He

also showed us how we constantly full filled our need to connect with

that kid by continuing to abuse it.blah blah blah..well I left feeling

like SHIT (ok if that is provocative.I am kind of sorry) . I was

supposed to hug my inner kid and protect her. Well I obviously was not

buying his stuff. I was not happy.

The bottom line is that sure you can dissociate! Kids are marvelous at

that! They are magical but the reality is it is still YOU. So the

reason the " work " works is that there is no " blame " . The kid needed

safety. The kid will be where YOU want it to be until YOU don't. That

is all there is to it. No reasoning, no right or wrong. You, like me,

like everyone out there has issues. We can even be " loon jobs " so what?

You will be that, until you are not. I finally got that---I have been

a loon job! Oh yeah! I apparently found it fascinating as I sure did

it! LOL.

Now I see that I am all of me until I don't want to be. Does that mean

I will dissociate again---maybe, maybe not. It depends if I feel a need.

So far I can't find one. The work, works! As a kid I thought that if I

just started the next year in a new school then it was all just fine.

The old me was " no more " the old stuff was gone. Magic! Until the next

stuff--- but really the most traumatic things were things I did to

myself as an adult. I could come up with all kinds of psycho babble as

to my reasoning, the " stories " to defend and give credence as to why I

behaved the way I did or did not. It was BULL! I always had a choice.

I chose to do that. So what? I don't care anymore. I am just fine and

I WAS just fine. I had some pretty interesting life experiences! At my

reunion I talked to folks and they looked at me as if I was some

adventurer. As if I was tremendously brave! LOL. So funny! I

considered it survival-- but none of it was necessary. It was as it

was. It was as I must have needed it to be, or not. It just doesn't

matter.

Perhaps saw that you were in a cycle and it might take some time

to beat yourself up until you were going to get it, because I must say

that when I finally got it.it didn't hurt. It wasn't a cry out of pain

it was a relief and a huge laughter. Perhaps you felt hurt because you

really felt ready! I know that one! Hey I am so ready to be

" enlightened " !!! Yoo-hoo~! Hey here me, me! Enlighten me! The deal

with this dissociation thing--.it is out of " you " that this is done.

She can help you try to stay on target but you won't accept you until

you do. That is all there is to it. You said you saw the kid but were

not interested in getting together.

You could go on and on never accepting you. That is fine too! You can

say " oh you funny kid " ! " Oh you sassy thing " ! And laugh and still love

you or not. No one really cares but you. No one can get close to you

but you. You can be a chameleon and no one would ever guess! That is

so funny! LOL You know the real you. You know it all.

After doing this work on all the other issues I started to see that my

stuff was no different, I was that kid. Damn I still get magical--but I

know I am doing it! I am funny because I have a very close link to my

past. I have embraced that kid, the stuff, and I adore every minute! I

can behave like a kid because it is so fresh in my mind. You will too.

You do too! I thought there would be some magical thing. As soon as I

could remember all the past, see it (rather than cringe), accept

it--firecrackers would go off! I would levitate! I would sing! I

would roll on the floor laughing, or crying or some crazy stuff.

Nope--I just felt relieved. I laughed surely but it was like--oh so

that was " it " ? I mean, there is not some huge pain that I must endure?

Nope--the pain was before. Afterward, no pain. I thought that since

the past was so painful that surely the going over the mountain peak

would be the big whopper! No---.simple. Simple, no drama! I guess

that is the big word.no " drama " . Where there is drama there is a

" story " . Oh do I adore my drama and stories! I honed those things for

so many years! They were perfect----until they were not.

So there you go---I have pontificated, been bossy, arrogant, telling you

how it was for me (as if it could be that way for you! lol), and yet,

what I really want to say is gosh, I sure know how it feels to be so

ready and be right where it hurts so bad! It will come when it will

come and not a second before and if it is anything like it was for

me----you will be just right person to make it happen, it was such a

relief. I keep getting relief's until I don't---then I work---more

relief's, it just kind of goes that way back and forth. It is never

truly " over " .

April