CFS & FM: Adjusting to Loss & Finding a New You

[Guest guest]

Adjusting to Loss and Finding a " New You "

ImmuneSupport.com, 11-02-2005

My dear friends, thank you for your support and patience. I think I

am finally starting to see the edges of the thick fog that has

enveloped me since the loss of my sweetheart back in March. I have

never been through anything more difficult, both emotionally and

physically. I have lost both my parents, and cared for my mother

through her bout with cancer. But losing your life partner, your

soulmate, completely redefines you, and requires that you find out

who the new you is.

Who I am now has many parts of the person I was. I am still a person

with CFIDS and FM. I am still a writer. I am still a nurse. And I am

still a person who loves life. But I am also now alone. There have

been adjustments to make my life more livable by myself, some to

help me physically, and some for my emotional health. I am very

blessed that I am not a widow that has to watch every penny so I am

able to spoil myself a bit. I have many friends who are more like

family, thankfully, since I have no family near.

My only immediate family, my brother, lives on the other side of the

country, so I'm lucky if I get to see him once a year. One young

couple have become so close that I have adopted them as my children,

so nice since I don't have any kids. They visit frequently, and do

little chores for me. And they try to look for things that will make

it easier for me around the house. I have long had a mini warehouse

cart, left from days of doing craft shows in my past. Thanks to

my " son " having found it in the garage, and cleaning it off, it now

transports my laundry, and my groceries into the house-anything that

is heavy, or that will take me more than one trip to move.

I also bought myself a scooter-I got lucky and found a " cadillac "

version for the price of a " buick. " I also found a power chair in

the newspaper for about 20% of the retail value. It was brand new,

since the lady it was purchased for got too sick to use it. I don't

use it a lot, and usually just in the house, but it is welcome when

I am having a really bad day. Which, big surprise, I am having more

of. Not a full blown flare, but certainly worse on a daily basis. I

think that is beginning to get better, but life goes on anyway. If I

am managing thru grief, I'll manage thru pain. I did ask the

gentleman who installed the lift on my car for my scooter to adapt

it so I can take my power chair if I need too.

At the encouragement of a friend, who also has fibro, I had a small

pond/waterfall installed in the back yard. I am still learning about

how to care for it, and hope to have some fish in it in the spring.

It is soothing to sit out by the pond, listening to the falling

water, sitting in the sun. Lately, small birds, finches and sparrows

have been using it as a bird bath, which is delightful to watch. It

is good for my mental health to spend some time there each day.

Some time in the not too distant future, I have a bit of remodeling

planned. Both of the bathrooms in the house have bathtub showers,

which are difficult to get in and out of most of the time. So, when

I can find a contractor who isn't too busy, I plan to pull out the

bathtub in the master bath and make the space into a shower, with a

bench. That small change should make this house I love much more

liveable for me.

Lots of " things " happening, including getting the estate settled,

and legal arrangements for my estate. All of them keep me busy. But

my biggest job is learning to be me, alone. To have total

responsibility for myself, decisions to healthcare to doing the

laundry and cooking. I have only lived by myself once before, for

about 6 months, when I was in graduate school. Much different than

now. One of the things that is helping a lot is that I am going to a

grief group on a weekly basis.

Certainly, our individual issues are different, but we are all

learning who we are without our loved one. Some have lost children

or siblings, but most have lost their life partners. We share what

we do to cope, cry a lot and support each other. Some of us get

together between meetings. I had a very hard time crying to begin

with. I made myself very " busy " with " things " . There is also much to

do right after a death, but there also needs time for healing.

Talking about your loss, getting angry, crying, as well as laughing,

are good medicine.

Why should any of this mean anything to you? Because the losses we

suffer by having our health challenges are just as real and

difficult to deal with as the loss of a spouse. We go thru the same

processes as we adjust to our lives as they become with CFIDS and

FM, as well as the other problems that come with them. Grieving is

the same no matter the loss. I hope you will take my lead and do all

you can to take care of yourself, physically and emotionally, as you

adjust to the day to day changes in your life.

I'm trying to put the pieces back together, slowly, painfully, but

it will happen. As we say in my support group, you don't get over

it, you get thru it. Each of us have that challenge each day. I just

have it on an additional level for a time. I miss my sweetie

terribly, but I know that we can still communicate. I am slowly

moving things, packing them, giving them away. But we will always be

together, no matter what else changes.

Thanks for listening, and for being such supportive friends. I hope

I will have more motivation to write as I continue to heal. I will

also try to get to your letters, but even if I don't get to

answering them, I love reading them, and feel the love and support

contained in them. Take care and be well.

Yours in health, Eunice