This Isn't Fair

[Guest guest]

New member here but wanted to fill you in on my traumatizing story. I

was on 20mg of Paxil for around 6-7 years starting in 2000 when I was

18 for Social Anxiety Disorder. Suffice all the harsh criticism on

the net, it worked wonders for me and I became an outgoing guy and it

helped me tremendously in social situations, especially in college.

As time passed, I continued taking Paxil as it was part of my daily

routine, and then I met my girlfriend at the time. We truly hit it

off the bat and were together for almost 3 years. During that time, I

realized the negative side effects of Paxil †" particularly sexual

dysfunction. I had little libido and no interest in sex and this

affected our relationship tremendously. She would have to initiate

half the time which wasn't fair. After some research, I figured out

that Paxil was the cause of this since I wasn't sexually active prior

to meeting my gf. I started withdrawing from the drug and it was one

of the most difficult challenges I've ever faced. The brain zaps,

mood swings, you know the drill. I also weaned off too fast going

from 20mg/10mg in 2 weeks, to 10mg for 2 weeks, then 10mg EOD for 2

weeks, the cold turkey. This was what my physician prescribed but I

was not aware I should've withdrawn much slower. Anyway, I was

finally Paxil-free in June and felt, well, alive. My emotions were no

longer blunted, I had much more energy during the day, didn't sleep

till 1pm, wasn't sweating all the time, etc. It was great †" but my

libido was still low despite discontinuation.

My gf and I broke up last September for mutual reasons and I was doing

OK for awhile. Then in December, depression hit me like a ton of

bricks. The breakup didn't hit me until then for some reason - guys

have a delayed reaction I guess. I was also experiencing some subtle

hair loss which made me even more depressed. Depression turned into

anxiety and I kept thinking I wasn't going to meet anyone else if I

kept losing hair (which wasn't even noticeable). I read about

Propecia and after finding out all the nasty side effects and the

PropeciaHelp.com website I decided against it. I had a prescription

for it from my doctor and DID NOT FILL IT. I went to a laser hair

therapy center where they actually analyze your scalp with microscopic

equipment to determine if you're in fact balding †" which I was. He

said to avoid Propecia but try Saw Palmetto 500mg twice daily since

it's a mild DHT blocker and doesn't have the side effects of Fin. A

few weeks later I was browsing the supplement aisle in my supermarket

and found a bottle of SP. I was debating to buy it or not. I felt it

was silly but because I kept checking my hair 10x a day in the mirror

(I have BDD), I went ahead and bought it. It was a purchase I will

regret for perhaps the rest of my life.

I debated whether to return this stuff or not but people on hair loss

forums kept saying its useless, a placebo, and not medically proven

for hair loss. The label said 320mg and since that was less than

500mg I thought, " What the hell, it's even less than what I was told

to get. " I would discontinue if I got sides. I was debating to

return the bottle after a week of it sitting on my desk with the

receipt underneath. I got so overly anxious with hair falling out in

the shower with strands in my hair that I decided to start taking it.

Within a week I noticed testicular pain and after 9 days ceased the

supplement on 2/3/08. After stopping, this was when the trouble began.

It's like I'm on Paxil x 500000000. Besides the horrific sexual side

effects, it's blunted my emotions, killed my motivation, ruined my

sleep, I'm suffering from brain fog, and the list goes on and on. I've

never felt suicidal until this point - it's ruined my life. The

emotions I had for my ex, for my hobbies, anything fun has been sucked

out of me. I'm so mad at myself for ever touching this stuff,

especially because I decided NOT to take Propecia because of all the

horror stories I've read and now I'm one of those cases. How ironic.

I've made appointments with several doctors and am very much on top of

this but no one has been of much help. Just days before this happened,

I came to the conclusion to get back together with my ex. I was going

to surprise her on V-Day to reconcile but had to hold back because of

my present physical/emotional state. How can I be in a relationship

when I cannot perform sexually and/or feel love/romantic feelings? The

difficult battle to come off Paxil has been negated in every way and

it's my entire fault. I try not to blame myself since I didn't know

this would happen but I feel so helpless. Just days before this s**t

happened, I came to the conclusion to try to patch things up with the

ex. The timing couldn't have been worse.

I talked to my friend and she said there's no point waiting around

despite my current state since we don't know when I'll recover, but

she told me that I had those feelings, and even though I can't feel

them now you had them and they exist. Basically, s**t or get off the

pot because she won't be waiting around. A few weeks ago, I called my

ex and poured my heart out. I didn't tell her what I was going through

healthwise, but I told her how I made a mistake, took her for granted,

I'm nothing without her, etc. Even though it sucked not having the

emotions to back me up that were once again robbed from me, I still

broke down (though not as easily as I could've before taking SP). We

talked for a long time and she said she would let me know in a couple

of days about getting back together. In all honesty, her and my

family/friends are the only things keeping me going right now because

life seems so bleak - especially with all the health issues I'm going

through. Work and school have become a struggle with the brain fog and

depression, and waking up each morning without improvement kills me.

It cannot get much worse from this point, it just can't. I couldn't

care less about hair loss after what I self-induced myself with, I

just want my life back.

I only took this stuff for 9 days, however, I was not aware that this

was the extract version which meant it was extremely potent. It said

320mg on the label, but this actually meant 3200mg of the powder! I

had no idea! You would think 320mg would be less than 500mg, but a

simple mistake on my part has cost me my well-being. I thought I was

taking a placebo if anything since it was less than 500mg. Now I've

become something I purposely avoided, a Propecia user with possibly

permanent side effects even though I never touched Finasteride. It has

been two months and my body has been rapidly deteriorating. I've never

been so down in my entire life, and depression is a side-effect from

this crap. Here is my list of symptoms:

Symptoms that have not resolved themselves/happened since 2/3/08:

Erectile Dysfunction

No daytime/spontaneous erections

Zero Libido

Genital numbness

Testicular discomfort

Dryer Skin

Premature Facial Aging

Bags under eyes

Extreme dry eyes

Multiple eye floaters

Vision problems - problems focusing

Constipation

Brainfog

Significant Weight loss

Loss of appetite

Muscular atrophy

Muscle twitch above upper lip

Severe Insomnia

Emotional flatness/blunting of feelings

No feeling of love/lust

No positive feelings

Constant groin pain

Dizziness

Severe lack of motivation

Lack of interests/hobbies

Colder body temperature

Loss of body hair

Extremely severe depression

Anxiety attacks

Dry scalp

Brittle hair

Cracking in right ear

Hand tremors

Suicidal thoughts

Inability to concentrate

Anti-social behavior

Disconnection from the real world/people

Muscular weakness

Inability to gain muscle

Loss of personality

Depersonalization

Massive crying spells

Slower mental capacity

Constant fatigue

Harder to produce sweat

Prior to this I was a healthy, muscular, energetic Paxil-free guy. The

body that I worked so hard for in the gym for 5 years is rapidly

deteriorating. I'd rather withdraw from Paxil 100 times than suffer

from this. Doctors don't know what's wrong and I've spent so much time

and money on this situation that I'm at my wits end. I've never, ever

been suicidal before but I cannot continue living my life like this. I

was put on Zoloft and I tried that for a week and it did nothing -

wasn't smart either since I'm already suffering from sexual side

effects. Now I'm on 150mg Wellbutrin SR twice daily and take Klonopin

at night if necessary (Klonopin has been the only thing to calm me

down but I'm watching it since I've read it's addictive). I feel like

my life is over at the age of 26 because of some high-anxiety over

subtle hair loss. I think if I was still on Paxil this may not have

happened. The worst part is that I knew of the dangers of Propecia and

avoided it yet still got burnt. Everyday has been a nightmare and I

cannot tolerate it much longer. I have an appointment with a

specialist who has treated cases like this in a couple of weeks so I'm

trying to remain optimistic. Please, do not ever take 5AR inhibitors

unless you have BPH or prostate problems. They're very dangerous and

have destroyed many lives, perhaps even mine.

Now just eight months later after a hellish Paxil WD, I have a new,

harder battle to fight. Perfect. This just isn't fair and I don't

deserve this. I rather have 2 torn ACLs than this. My life has been

robbed from me despite being a good-natured person. I'm in the prime

of my life, have a great job, getting my masters, and I feel like it's

all been f**** because of this. I'm so lost and each day just gets

harder and harder. I look back at me a year ago and I was on top of

the world - great body, health, girlfriend, friends, social life.

Now, all has been lost. I really don't know if I can live like this

the rest of my life. I don't even know who I am anymore and watching

body and mind fall apart in a matter of weeks has been extremely

depressing and traumatizing. I really think staying on and/or going

back on Paxil may have prevented this. Anyway, thought I would share

this story with you guys since I unintentionally chemically castrated

myself. This is no way to live.

The most depressing part is that I was on Paxil for 6 years which

decimated my libido and I discontinued that in June. I pretty much

made somewhat of a recovery and now just months later I've

potentially, permanently destroyed it.If I do not improve, I don't see

a point in living. A mistake on my part shouldn't cost me my health -

I just can't stop reliving that moment buying that s**t. That's what

kills me the most - knowing the dangers of Propecia and taking

something milder when it was in fact perhaps stronger. I just want

this misery to end.