Sad

[Guest guest]

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I had sudden RA symptoms come on almost 2 years ago, with NO prior

warning. It was so bad, I was bed ridden at time for MONTHS. I

then developed Sjogren's Syndrome and then Reynaud's. The real

kicker for me was a year ago, just before Christmas, after months of

ER visits for " mysterious symptoms " , I was additionally diagnosed

with Multiple Sclerosis.

As if the RA and the other diseases weren't enough, I felt as though

I was read a death sentence when I was told about the MS on top of

it all. I will not lie, I spent a total of 18 months in bed ill,

totally ignoring the phone, friends, etc. I became a recluse, and

suffered in terrible pain physically and emotionally.

This past August, I had a car accident. It was the MRI around that

time that the real bomb dropped. I was told that in addition to

everything else, (what else could possibly go wrong???), that I had

Vasculitis of the Brain. As my Neurologist so COLDLY put it while I

was in her office with my 12 year old son, I could at any moment die

if the main artery in my brain were to burst or rupture. She then

proceeded to tell me that I should be thankful for each and every

morning I wake up " alive " , and that the prognosis was NOT good.

Long story short, and now that my 12 year old has to see a

Psychiatrist and a Therapist 4 times a month after hearing what she

said!!! You think she would have had the common sense to excuse him

from the room! I fired her a short while ago, and don't regret it

one bit!

I guess what I have to say is at that moment when the world fell

down all around me, I came to the conclusion that I had two choices:

1) Continue to live feeling sorry for myself.

2) Make the most of each day, no matter how ill I felt, and enjoy

each and every moment I had with my friends and family. I live day

by day, and when times get tough, I live hour by hour.

I must also say that I had and have all the medications available at

anytime to overdose and end it all. I struggled with that quite a

bit over the 18 months I spent alone, sick. If it weren't the fact

that I were a single parent, and the thought of my kids finding me

dead, I would have done myself in a LONG TIME AGO - with the way I

was feeling back then.

Since my car accident in August, the Neurology results of Vasculitis

of the Brain, and everything else that happened that week - It was

as though someone was grabbing me by the shoulders and giving me a

huge shake.

My life has changed in so many ways, I wish I could tell you all how

much it's different. I have bad days, bad moments, but I don't let

it consume my life. I have viewed all of this in a positive manner,

which took me 18 months and a very frightening diagnosis to do so.

I value each and every single day I am here, and now talk, see and

connect with friends and family I hadn't talked to in a long time.

Prior to getting sick, I was a work-a-holic, single parent. I

viewed my illness as a way of " slowing me down " , as I never sat

still. I now get to spend more time with my kids, and am there for

them - like NEVER before. I phone friends and don't just talk, but

LISTEN. I have forgiven those who have done me wrong, and made an

effort to connect with them, even if just in a small way. I have

cut out all the excess people in my life that were draining on me,

and am a happier person because of it.

Yes, the diagnosis of ANY chronic illness is terrible. I was 33

when this all happened, and was working out at the gym 5-6 days per

week. I ate healthy, but worked long hours. It was just me and my

boys. Again, I believe it was a way of slowing me down and making

me look at all the good in my life and forcing me to have no choice

but to rest up and spend more time with my family.

It took me 18 months to get to this mind-set, and I know that my one

post isn't going to change the world. It's only my own personal

experience, and I hope that even if you read it, and keep things in

mind - one day, you will be able to benefit from it.

Please, e-mail me privately if you need to. I have a great group of

friends I have met here that have totally changed my life. There

are two other ladies I e-mail or talk with quite often, and we are

a " triangle of strength " . You need to find someone to vent your

feelings to, and it helps if it's someone who's dealing with the

same issues as you.

I wish you all the best,

in Canada