Re: I have some extremely sad news from Ken, to Nigel Hamlin

February 3, 2007

It is with Great Sorrow, for you, that I offer you " Greetings " ...Know me as

" ken " , ...or (squarehead52), as is my E-mail.....

I doubt you know me...it has been

some time since I posted...but, I guess, I am the " Group Crazy, the artist , and

wordsmith....and I woke, to read this, and wanted to offer you this....in the

spirit of love, my grieving friend......

*** Live we all, in constraints of the body,

The vessel which holds all our spirits.....

some, such as I, put together quite shoddy,

Know pain, and hate to be near it..........

But YOU, friend Nigel,are going thru

The Hardest Pain of All,

Hurting, confused, asking " What To Do? " ,

for, you've seen your Soulmate Fall!

For you, I'm filled with sorrow,

for all that you have lost,

and I will not tell you to " look for tomorrow " ,

for your heart knows well the cost.......

But Nigel?

I have these words for you,

as if they were from your wife.....

I know, right now, know ye not what to do....

But you still must go on with your life.....

ands, now those words....

*** I'm Not Here***

Nigel, don't stand by my grave, and weep.

For, I'm not there,I do not sleep.

I am A Thousand winds that blow

I am the diamonds glint on snow

I am the sunlight on ripened grain

I am the gentle Autumm's rain

When you awaken in morning's hush,

I am the swift uplifting rush

of quiet birds in circle flight

I am the soft stars that shine at night

Do not stand by my grave,and cry

For, I am not there...I did not die.

Nioel....Where ever you go,

She will ALWAYS be with you!

I only wish that I could BE THERE,

for you, as a friend...to offer more

comfort than

these few inadequate words......

For, nothing will ever be

" adequate "

to take Her Place.....

I only know, that now,

She knows no pain, and She has left you a million very personal memories, to

keep, and to hold,until, once more, again, you both walk together,in the Light

of Heaven!

Your unknown Friend,

with Love for you...

ken

w1nst0nbear <aah@...> wrote: I

know that my wife, Annette, had exchanged messages with some of you in the past

few

months. I am so very sad and hurt that I have to tell you that she died

suddenly and

unexpectedly on Wednesday evening, having suffered what the pathologist has

described

as a massive heart attack. The full report hasn't arrived yet, but when it does

I will be

asking some questions about her recent medical treatment and whether or not it

had any

bearing on her heart condition.

I'm not sure if she mentioned it in any of her messages here, but she had been

suffering

since last October from a very bad cough that was often extremely severe.

Courses of

antibiotics at first seemed to deal with it, but then it would come back just

as bad. In the

end, her consultant rheumatologist (who had himself been on sick leave for some

time)

saw her about three weeks ago now and said that he thought it was the MTX that

was

causing her cough. MTX is apparently known to have a fairly common risk of

causing a

problem with the lungs and the only real way to prove that this was the case

was simply to

stop taking it and see what happened. Sure enough, about two weeks after her

last dose,

the cough went away.

Unfortunately, in the consultant's absence, his locum assistant standing in for

him, at first

wanted her to add leflunomide to her regime. After some investigation, as I

think she

discussed here, she told him that it didn't seem at all wise for her to take

leflunomide,

particularly with her medical history. At that point, and despite the fact that

she told him

about how long she had the cough - and, if I recall correctly, was even

coughing badly

during the consultation - he suggested that she instead use MTX by injection,

rather than

in oral form, as that might prove to be more effective. As it turns out, that

seems to have

been totally the wrong thing to have done!

But, as I say, at this stage, I can't say whether or not any of that had any

bearing on the

heart condition that led to her death. Perhaps I might learn more when I get to

discuss the

pathologists report with our local doctor (GP) and if I do, I'll try to

remember to get back to

you with whatever I find out.

The most unfortunate thing is that, in a number of ways, life was improving

significantly

for Annette and the two of us had plans to do many things together yet, but all

of that

cannot now happen due to her being so prematurely taken from us. I feel so much

pain at

her loss, made worse by the fact that she was alone in our bedroom when the

attack

happened. I was just so stunned when I walked in and found her collapsed on the

floor -

at first I thought she'd just slipped off the bed and couldn't get up, but as

soon as I turned

her over, I knew it was much more serious. All attempts to try to revive her,

guided by the

ambulance controller on the phone, were to no avail and even my brother-in-law,

who is a

fireman and fully-trained first aider, had no more success when he arrived

shortly after.

Finally, when the paramedic arrived, he quite quickly diagnosed that because of

the length

of time that she had not been breathing, it would not be wise or respectful to

her dignity

to even try anything further to resuscitate her.

Let me finish by saying how much I appreciate the fact that you did what you

could to

make her welcome in this group. It was actually her first ever subscription to

any internet

message group and she so enjoyed learning how it all worked. She also told me

how

useful she felt it was to learn so much just from reading all of your messages.

Also, how

she realised how lucky we are here in the UK to have our NHS that provides

treatment free

of charge (well, mostly!), compared to the horror stories she read about the

hassles one

can have with HMOs in the US!

It's just too sad (and that's a massive understatement) that she will no longer

be here to

participate in this group.

Best regards

Nigel Hamlin

Hereford, UK

---------------------------------

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February 3, 2007

Hello Ken,

Your prose gives me food for thought, particularly as I have now

started thinking about what active part I might wish to play in the

funeral service. I must admit, I have heard the " I'm not here " poem,

in slightly different versions even, at other funerals that I've

attended (with the usual worryingly increasing frequency that they

have as one gets older!), but that's perhaps unsurprising, as it is

such well written and meaningful verse.

Your other words were caring, thoughtful and supportive and I so

appreciate you taking the time and trouble to write them. Believe me,

they, like what seem like hundreds of well-wishing messages that I've

received, do help greatly and are a major contribution to seeing me

through.

In spite of the sentiment of " I'm Not Here " , yet without

contradicting it (for I feel the truth it embodies), I am feeling

like I want to have Annette buried in the local churchyard (rather

than cremated) so that there is something manifest close by, which I

can use at the times I am sure I will experience when I feel the need

to talk with her. I know, already, that she is 'not there' but is

instead all around me and within me, but somehow the idea of having a

focus point appeals.

One more thing is that much of my feelings of loss are not for my

loss of her, but for Annette's loss of what might have been. For many

reasons that I won't go into here, she had a very troubled early

life. In the 24 years that we've been together, I've witnessed her

struggle so bravely with the consequences of that and I know that, in

just the past few years, she was really beginning to emerge from the

shell of denial and lack of self-belief that her early years

bestowed. Her erudition in the contributions she made here in the few

months since she joined, truly surprised me when I read them for the

first time last night, because I know that even just a couple of

years ago, she would never have had the confidence to write at all

(or even join such a group as this), never mind to write as

thoughtfully and clearly as she did. I'm conscious that may sound

like a criticism. It isn't. It's a realisation of just how much

progress she had made.

To me, it's indicative of how far she'd come, like finding her way

out of the fog that is self-doubt, into the daylight of a true

perception of how life is really supposed to be for every one of us.

Like spending years struggling to reach the light at the end of a

very long tunnel, only to have a huge door close just as the tunnel's

entrance is being reached.

That's what pains me most, far more than the pain of that which is

lost for myself.

Nigel

On 3 Feb 2007, at 15:22, kenneth samuelsen wrote:

> It is with Great Sorrow, for you, that I offer you

> " Greetings " ...Know me as " ken " , ...or (squarehead52), as is my E-

> mail.....

> I doubt you know me...it has been some time since I posted...but, I

> guess, I am the " Group Crazy, the artist , and wordsmith....and I

> woke, to read this, and wanted to offer you this....in the spirit

> of love, my grieving friend......

>

> *** Live we all, in constraints of the body,

> The vessel which holds all our spirits.....

> some, such as I, put together quite shoddy,

> Know pain, and hate to be near it..........

> But YOU, friend Nigel,are going thru

> The Hardest Pain of All,

> Hurting, confused, asking " What To Do? " ,

> for, you've seen your Soulmate Fall!

> For you, I'm filled with sorrow,

> for all that you have lost,

> and I will not tell you to " look for tomorrow " ,

> for your heart knows well the cost.......

> But Nigel?

> I have these words for you,

> as if they were from your wife.....

> I know, right now, know ye not what to do....

> But you still must go on with your life.....

> ands, now those words....

>

> *** I'm Not Here***

> Nigel, don't stand by my grave, and weep.

> For, I'm not there,I do not sleep.

> I am A Thousand winds that blow

> I am the diamonds glint on snow

> I am the sunlight on ripened grain

> I am the gentle Autumm's rain

>

> When you awaken in morning's hush,

> I am the swift uplifting rush

> of quiet birds in circle flight

> I am the soft stars that shine at night

> Do not stand by my grave,and cry

> For, I am not there...I did not die.

>

> Nioel....Where ever you go,

> She will ALWAYS be with you!

> I only wish that I could BE THERE,

> for you, as a friend...to offer more comfort than

> these few inadequate words......

> For, nothing will ever be " adequate "

> to take Her Place.....

> I only know, that now, She knows no pain, and She has left you a

> million very personal memories, to keep, and to hold,until, once

> more, again, you both walk together,in the Light of Heaven!

>

> Your unknown Friend, with Love for you...

> ken

February 3, 2007

Nigel,

It's obvious from the words you write about her that she was really

lucky to have you in her life. I'm sure that you were instrumental in

helping her come out of that fog of self-doubt. I am truly sorry for

your loss and hope that the memories of your life together will sustain

you and help you live with your grief, and that this grief will lessen

with the passage of time.

Sue

On Saturday, February 3, 2007, at 09:35 PM, Annette Hamlin wrote:

>

> To me, it's indicative of how far she'd come, like finding her way

> out of the fog that is self-doubt, into the daylight of a true

> perception of how life is really supposed to be for every one of us.

> Like spending years struggling to reach the light at the end of a

> very long tunnel, only to have a huge door close just as the tunnel's

> entrance is being reached.

February 3, 2007

Greetings, to Nigel, AND to Annette............from Ken

I CAN relate to what you are saying here....you see, I

was the " Product " of an affair my mother had, two years after she married my

" dad " , and ALL my growing up years were spent in terror of this man,who saw me

only as a remember of what had been " done to him " ! And thus, I suffered abuse

, from a pair of unhappy alcoholics, that, if they did to me today, would result

in their spending many years in prison! They STOLE my ability to HAVE children,

and I LOVE children, and they seem to KNOW it, somehow, because, everywhere I

GO, I AM a " kid magnet! " It is so funny! I love it, and I have had more

" encounters " with children, so wonderful, that I often get " wet eyes " , over

remembering them.( And, I, too, was " abused " in the way that you mean!)

My heart goes out to you. Even now, at my age, my " haha, father " ,

having died, my brother has decided he hates me...(he wants ALL of my

inheritance...and he is welcome to it, even if he IS criminal...I'VE GOT THE

LORD!!!! and so do you!!

Please.....and I mean this!!.....Please, if there is

ANYTHING that I CAN do, to ease the pain of the trials you now find yourself

in......let me know!!!

I am a (soon to be) 55 year olde (my b-day is the 27th of this month)

Norwegian Mountain Man....(.altho I grew up IN the ocean) and in my many

journeys around the globe, have picked up a lot of knowledge...been raised by my

Norwegian Grandparents (rescued, actually) and if it would help you....I have

the benefit of FREE long distance...and if you need someone to talk with, or

just to write to, PLEASE know that I AM here for you, with open arms,and willing

heart!! I MEAN ALL OF THIS!!!(That's why folks call us

" squareheads...haha...we're so STUBBORN! ) So Call me, if you want! Write to me

if you want! You may rest assured that you WILL get a reply!!

sen/ 22 Andy Angie Circle, Asheville, N.C.(U.S.A., of course,

haha) zip code 28806-9049 // Tel. (828) 515-0127

(I've even had my " work " Published, too!) But I leave you with THIS....and

it's author is I ....***The Love you have inside you

was not love put there to stay,

for, love isn't even friendship...

until you give it away.*** (There IS more, but I won't

bore you with it) Nigel, Annette, we weren't put here to remain

alone,to bear a heartbreak by ourselves! I will Pray for you all, for, you have

a new friend, slightly crazy,(must be the altitude),but with a lot of love to

share, and understanding to spare!I KNOW it's easy to say, but hard to

do....but, try and keep your chin up.....and ask yourself THIS: " Would your

Loved One have you remain heartbroken,sad, and crying(tho tears are NOT to be

shamed at!).

We both know the answer to THAT one! My Love to the both of

you....and KNOW that you are NOT alone! love, ken

Annette Hamlin <aah@...> wrote: