e

[Guest guest]

Hi e,

I know this isn't going to help, but if my husband and I were financially abe to come out there, we would already be on our way. I do know that Martha will come to you, she has said so many times. Please call on her. If you don't have her phone number, I'll be glad to give it to you, just let me know. Oh my gosh, do I ever feel so helpless. God has laid heavy on my heart the pain of others and sometimes it seems more than I can bear. I'm so angry! I ask God, "Why do You lay this on my heart, yet not give me the ability to help them?" So each day I give it back to Him, asking God to hold you in His loving arms and heal you. And I believe He is doing just that. I love you e and I know, not only does everyone else in this support group loves you as well, but so does our Lord. Please don't give in to the pain or anxiety. Dig deep inside yourself, turn on your professionism and nurse yourself through this, just as you would another patient going through this ordeal.

I've always said that you're an awesome nurse and an awesome human being, so please take care of yourself and talk with Martha, she too loves you and will help you with whatever you need. Stay in touch! And believe with all your might, holding tight to your faith.

Love and Hugs............

e Rene <e_Rene@...> wrote:

Well, it is almost 2am here and I'm in the midst of a panic attack. My surgeon rx'd Klonopin and while it helps, I just am so afraid that I'm going to lose control when I take any rx med. Crazy, I know, but nurses are just the worst pts. We like to maintain control more than anyone else, and when we can't be in control or lose control, it doesn't bode well with us. So, after about 2 hrs of dealing with this panic attack, I have finally given in and taken a Klonopin.

These panic attacks are awful. I can't breathe, my pulse starts racing, I have palpitations, and I feel like I have nowhere to turn or run to. I finally lowered the heat quite a bit, and opened a set of drapes so that I could at least see the sky and stars. had given me some excellent ideas on how to manage panic attacks so I will have to try them. But of course, when I'm in the middle of one, I can't seem to remember anything and my entire focus is on trying to breathe and get enough air so I don't suffocate. I swear, I just want to die. I am convinced I'm in hell. There is simply no way in hell that I am going to wear this cervical collar for 11 more wks---NO WAY!! I will be locked up in the psych unit in a padded room if I wear this collar for 11 more wks. I will shoot for 8 wks, and hopefully I will heal okay and my neurosurgeon will allow me to get out of the collar at that time, or at least we can hopefully work out some compromise like me being able to be out of it for 6 hrs/day and wear it the rest of the time.

The collar is a Miami-J collar, and it wraps around your neck completely, with the front going as low as your sternum. The back comes up about 3" above the occipital area, and the sides come up well past the tops of my ears. It is plastic, but is covered with foam padding. And when I take out my contacts, and wear my glasses, I feel like my entire head is contained and then the panic starts. There is simply no light at the end of the tunnel. This is really testing my strenght and resolve and I'm losing rapidly. Plus the skin on my chin is starting to break down due to chafing. I put moleskin in the chin area, but it doesn't seem to be doing too much good. So, if my skin breaks down to the point that I have an open sore, I will not wear this thing and my surgeon will just have to come up with another idea or else trust me to keep my neck in alignment with the rest of my body. And believe me, whenever I take my collar off to switch to the other collar for showering, I don't move my neck at all.

I keep trying to remember the things that are different about the surgery this time. Last time, I was taking prednisone and Celebrex, which could have played a significant role in the non-union. This time I'm not taking any meds other than ES Tylenol and the Klonopin. I'm not allowed to take any NSAIDS, so I won't. Last time, I wore the collar maybe 2 wks, but not regularly (I was supposed to wear it 4) and this time this collar doesn't come off except to switch to my shower collar. Last time I went back to work in 4 wks and really started lifting and doing heavy work because I was working in the CICU (open heart surgery ICU) at the time. This time, I have no job. Last time I was driving within a wk, maybe 5 days, when I was supposed to not drive for 4 wks. This time I haven't driven at all, and quite frankly, don't want to because I'm terrified to get behind the wheel (although this will present some dilemmas next Thurs when I have to see my surgeon and I have no one to take me, so I have no choice to drive).

So, anyone want to come out to Denver and spend some time with me? I'm desperate for any company. You wouldn't have to worry about the hotel, because it's paid for, and it's a 2 bedroom suite. It would just be getting out here. PLEASE!!! I'm so scared and don't know if I can make it through this.......

e