Re: Re: How men and women feel while battling autism...

[Guest guest]

help

-------------- Original message --------------

One more question.If you could get one thing from your spouse that you are not getting while on this journey, what would that be?- Stan>> I am trying to learn more about how men and women deal with autism differently and how > we can help keep families together through this journey. I have some idea, but I'm only > one guy. > > Please email me the answers to the following questions, if you feel inspired,> to autismbook1@... or you can respond back to the group. Either is fine. > > I may publish your comments in a book or article, but the names will be changed to > respect privacy.> > Feel free to answer one, some or all of the questions below.> > If you are a mom:> > 1. What things did you do

successfully to get your man involved in the treatments of > autism?> > 2. What did you try that didn't work?> > 3. What disappointed you the most about your spouse?> > 4. What were/are you most grateful for about your spouse?> > 5. What would you most want men to know about this journey as far as how it affects the > the woman?> > 6. How does sex factor into your relationship through this journey?> > 7. What has been the hardest part of all for you?> > 8. During the journey, what has been your biggest fear... the scariest thing that you would > have liked to have had more help in dealing with... the fear that you couldn't verbalize to > your spouse.> > Feel free to tell me a story that explains your answer.> > If you are a Dad:> > 1. What helped you to get involved in helping your child?> &gt

; 2. What was the hardest part of this journey for you?> > 3. What would you suggest to mom's to get their spouses more involved?> > 4. What would you want women to know about men and how they deal with all this?> > 5. What is your exact role in your child's recovery and why did you choose that role?> > 6. How does sex factor into your relationship through this journey?> > 7. During the journey, what has been your biggest fear... the scariest thing that you would > have liked to have had more help in dealing with... the fear that you couldn't verbalize to > your spouse.>

[Guest guest]

More awareness. The support is great but I would like for him to be

more aware and interested in what we are doing so I don't have to

explain things over and over. I also wish he would join in on the

diet but that's really not as important to me as being more aware and

interested in not only what we are doing, but also looking at

research. I would love it if one day he came up to me and said, " so

I was researching some things and guess what I found? " To be able to

actually have a real conversation with him about biomed and what

things do what and where to go next, etc. To have a joint partner in

researching and understanding instead of me giving him the bullet

points of something he wants to know. We do talk about it but it

usually involves me telling him what I know and then finding out how

comfortable he is with it and what he thinks. Even in those

conversations, though, he has no real knowledge about it except what

I tell him. He does ask some questions when he has them but again,

it's all from my perspective.

Cheryl

> One more question.

>

> If you could get one thing from your spouse that you are not

> getting while on this journey,

> what would that be?

>

> - Stan

>

[Guest guest]

Most of the time we just think differently and so do not know how to communicate with each other.If I think by doing things it will be difficult to communicate with my wife who thinks by seeing things in pictures.  UNLESS  I make a video of what I'm doing so that she can see the picture.UNLESS  she draws the picture, instead of chattering, so that I can imagine doing it.Neurolinguistic people understand these modalities, which help kids at school, too.  NLP  is not dead yet.More awareness. The support is great but I would like for him to be more aware and interested in what we are doing so I don't have to explain things over and over. I also wish he would join in on the diet but that's really not as important to me as being more aware and interested in not only what we are doing, but also looking at research. I would love it if one day he came up to me and said, "so I was researching some things and guess what I found?" To be able to actually have a real conversation with him about biomed and what things do what and where to go next, etc. To have a joint partner in researching and understanding instead of me giving him the bullet points of something he wants to know. We do talk about it but it usually involves me telling him what I know and then finding out how comfortable he is with it and what he thinks. Even in those conversations, though, he has no real knowledge about it except what I tell him. He does ask some questions when he has them but again, it's all from my perspective.Cheryl> One more question.>> If you could get one thing from your spouse that you are not > getting while on this journey,> what would that be?>> - Stan

[Guest guest]

Hi Stan, I would love it if my dh would particpate in any way.Or even if he acknowleged what I am doing for our son.He never objects at what I decide to do .But he takes no interest in it what so ever.There have been many times I have become very resentful.One reason he does not particpate is b/c he does not believe in biomed.He does not research anything and asks no questions.When it comes up he will quash the discussion immediately or argue with me regarding recovery etc.He is not convinced of anything.I don't understand it b/c he is highly intelligent and articulate and probably on the spectrumStan Kurtz wrote: A couple of thoughts:Do you think it's hard for men to feel vulnerable to the fact that you may know more than they do? That you are the leader. Does that emasculate them I wonder?Do you feel your husband may be affected as well and should be treated? (many of us probably should be)> > > One more

question.> >> > If you could get one thing from your spouse that you are not > > getting while on this journey,> > what would that be?> >> > - Stan> >> "To accomplish great things, we must not only act, wemust dream; not only plan but also

believe."

Be smarter than spam. See how smart SpamGuard is at giving junk email the boot with the All-new Yahoo! Mail

[Guest guest]

> A couple of thoughts:

>

> Do you think it's hard for men to feel vulnerable to the fact that

> you may know more than

> they do? That you are the leader. Does that emasculate them I wonder?

>

I certainly think that it's possible but not in our case. I try to

get my husband more involved and he literally tells me he's happy

with me being the leader in this fight. If he wanted to know more,

he would do it. Instead, he likes knowing that someone else has the

helm so he has more time to research things he's actually interested

in - like music. The man loves music and would much rather search

itunes and listen to Pandora than research science. He will tell you

without a doubt that he does not feel emasculated. He feels his job

is to do all he can to make the money and support his family to make

sure that I can stay home and do all of this. He would love to have

more men to be involved with in terms of autism support but those

types of support groups just don't seem to get off the ground. Most

men just aren't interested in bonding over things like this and that

does disappoint him. I asked him once what would make a good support

group for men and he said that it would have to be organized by a man

because men just don't bond the same way women do. They just don't

immediately start up conversations with random people about autism.

It's more like over football and after some casual conversation where

they might accidently stumble upon the fact they all have autism in

their lives and then it won't be an instant conversation. Men take

more time to get more personal and have intimate conversations of

their feelings.

I do think that some men feel emasculated, not by the amount of

knowledge their spouse has but rather by autism itself. I think men

internalize their " failure " to produce healthy, normal spawn. I

think women do this, too but with men, it seems to cause inaction

instead of action.

Cheryl

>

>

> Do you feel your husband may be affected as well and should be

> treated? (many of us

> probably should be)

>

No, I don't think my husband is affected - he has normal neurotic

tendencies. He does have some issues that I think could be treated

biomedically like fatigue and some gut issues but he isn't

disciplined enough to do it consistently. But his brother is clearly

on the spectrum. It's hard in his family to draw the distinction

between dysfunctional family and dysfunctional biology. But

definitely his brother is on the spectrum along with his brother's

son. I'm also likely to be somewhere on the spectrum as I have some

stims, I have some rigidity (blankets *can't* have wrinkles! They

must lay smooth!), if I get a thought in my head that I have to do

something now then by God, I *must* do it *now*. I don't always get

social cues, I put my foot in my mouth a lot, and I'm slow on the

uptake with more subtle jokes. I have bouts of OCD type behavior

(hello, autism obsession! And you don't know how many times I've

checked the car, doors, stove, iron, etc. before doing anything when

I was younger and still occasionally have to do it). I would

literally do everything I could to move my sleeping baby and pray he

stayed asleep just to smooth out the wrinkles on the pallet upon

which he was sleeping. Talk about insane! Who does that?!?

Things have to follow some amount of decent logic for me to

understand it - especially other people's behavior. I have some gut

issues, too along with my many neuroses, not all of which I

mentioned! Most people would simply think I'm the perfect Capricorn,

though, and not on the spectrum. I would treat myself but right now,

I just don't have the money to treat everyone. I need to take care

of my son first. I have so many things I need to do for myself, not

the least of which is have my amalgams removed and it all costs

money. When I go on to treating myself, I'll have to take over

treating my husband, too since like I said, he just isn't disciplined

enough to do it himself. If I give it to him, he'll do it but he

isn't motivated to do it on his own.

Cheryl

>

>

>

> >

> > > One more question.

> > >

> > > If you could get one thing from your spouse that you are not

> > > getting while on this journey,

> > > what would that be?

> > >

> > > - Stan

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

We're fortunate in that we have a doctor that is more than happy to tell him exactly what to do and from there, my husband would just dig through my stuff, click my bookmarks and read all my e-mails (I never delete good information, whether I use it or not) and hopefully he would go on to do at least a little research.  He does, at least, know the different protocols and which one we are on!    As soon as I get my webpage going he'll have all the information he needs to get started in one place so hopefully nothing happens to me until then!CherylCheryl and Stan, our situation here is exactly the same, with dh supportive but clueless, knows what I tell him but would not research for himself etc etc... I worry if something happens to me he would not know what to do ... actually just the other day we sat down and I made the list of most important long-term supplements and also who to contact for advice (yahoo lists etc) and the nearest DAN doctor - we are not patients at the moment but dh could not do much on his own...in reply to your question Stan:> Do you think it's hard for men to feel vulnerable to the fact that you may know more than > they do? That you are the leader. Does that emasculate them I wonder?I don't feel that way, not in our situation. dh is too busy and stressed with work and only too happy to offload. also, biomed and other asd treatments fall into 'childcare' category I feel, so should not feel emasculating for most men, fwiw. maybe I'm wrong...> Do you feel your husband may be affected as well and should be treated? (many of us > probably should be)no, but his poor liver should be protected )  so I get him to take milk thistle and things like that. also CLO for overall health...Natasa> > > > > > > > One more question.> > >> > > If you could get one thing from your spouse that you are not > > > getting while on this journey,> > > what would that be?> > >> > > - Stan> > >> >>

[Guest guest]

You have probably hit the nail on the head.  "He is highly intelligent and articulate and probably on the spectrum"  We attract each other:  then have to live with the results for a long time.  By that I mean something like:  a 10% Asperger's  or  other weird woman finds a very attractive 30% weird husband.  They both have corresponding great abilities.  This accumulates in some of their children, especially with help from our wonderful civilization.The abilities that made them attractive may have nothing to do with dealing with autistic kids;  except by lucky chance.But we all have to move on from describing the problem to fixing it.  That is what Stan seems to be writing about.Hi Stan, I would love it if my dh would particpate in any way.Or even if he acknowleged what I am doing for our son.He never objects at what I decide to do .But he takes no interest in it what so ever.There have been many times I have become very resentful.One reason he does not particpate is b/c he does not believe in biomed.He does not research anything and asks no questions.When it comes up he will quash the discussion immediately or argue with me regarding recovery etc.He is not convinced of anything.I don't understand it b/c he is highly intelligent and articulate and probably on the spectrumStan Kurtz <stankurtzgmail> wrote:A couple of thoughts:Do you think it's hard for men to feel vulnerable to the fact that you may know more than they do? That you are the leader. Does that emasculate them I wonder?Do you feel your husband may be affected as well and should be treated? (many of us probably should be)> > > One more question.> >> > If you could get one thing from your spouse that you are not > > getting while on this journey,> > what would that be?> >> > - Stan> > "To accomplish great things, we must not only act, wemust dream; not only plan but also believe."

[Guest guest]

Short, 'Smart-ass answer:'  Buy a Mac and use all the abilities of iLife / iWork to make presentations that seem to 'Click with' these visual thinkers.  Perhaps get them to join in making, or polishing up, the presentation so that it really does fit their style.  In this way both sides begin to appreciate each other's thinking styles.  We are both there already.You have made much of the MB12 / Valtrex material available in your recovery videos.  I, personally, MindMap the critical details of videos like this to enable learning and action from them.  I'm doing the EFT course this way.  Other people might PowerPoint summaries of those videos or make podcasts of them ?A more thoughtful answer might be to dive into the past of  NLP  in education, ie Grinder <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/_Grinder> ;  and into Gardner's work on Multiple Intelligences.  This approach is thorough, but time consuming.  It would be useful when broadening the question to include kinesthetic;  audio;  visual;  associated / dissociated:  every kind of  Learner,  Thinker   &  Doer.It is not practical or fair to insist on all spouses understanding.  We are far too different from each other.  The wider family on the net;  at  The Corner School... and so on takes up the slack.  Tribal life.  But we can make progress.Another aspect altogether of visual thinking, with kinesthetic & audio:  is "Seeing the whole story."  Both Mind Mapping and Six Hat Thinking encourage the whole story;  also bridge the gap between us and those who don't see the whole and may be afraid of it.Fascinating,  GREAT  projects., How could we make the journey more visual for visual thinkers?> >> > > One more question.> > >> > > If you could get one thing from your spouse that you are not> > > getting while on this journey,> > > what would that be?> > >> > > - Stan> >> >>

[Guest guest]

EXAMPLE:We didn't have a video camera when these things happened, and no progress was made.  We might have made some progress if I had written everything in simple sentences:  factually.in 1995 I realised that I had mercury toxicity, so used my lab tech training to find a chelation doctor;  then to understand the results of testing and therapy.Telling my wife about the test results, she asked where the mercury had come from.  I replied that most of it had come from dental work, amalgams.  She immediately asked about Sara, who was 16 and had had a ton of amalgam in her baby teeth.I thought about it for a minute, then said:  "Let's see how it goes for me then decide on how to treat Sara."She cannot remember that;  refused to cooperate in treating Sara when my therapy began to work for me;  seems to have destroyed my copies of medical records, which still exist at the doc's office  shows no sympathy at all in understanding any recovery I'm making --- and so on.....I'm doing the  EFT  course by  DVD, the first two modules:  specifically to deal with any of this problem that can be resolved.  Openly;  by surrogate;  secretly and surreptitiously:  any damn way that works, one step at a time.  (I am allowed to make 100 copies of this course.  I could afford to make a few copies, for MB12 members & friends, if others could help with further copies and forwarding within your own national borders;  also keeping track of the number of copies to be fair to World Centre for EFT )And to answer the One more Question.My wife feels that she is completely in charge of the family;  that I should not interfere by treating my own toxicity and the children's.  I should not manage my own diet.That should be managed more reasonably, and now that we live 4,500 km apart, some of it is.Give me an example....> >> > > One more question.> > >> > > If you could get one thing from your spouse that you are not> > > getting while on this journey,> > > what would that be?> > >> > > - Stan> >

[Guest guest]

I just did this as well with my hubby he is the same way (uninvolved- but supportive) HE IS ADD himself and that is part of it, he will indulge me and let me talk about it (as I am a bit OCD and can't help but NOT talk about it) my friend who has been doing Biomedical with her son passed away in her sleep on the 11th of this last month leaving her husband to know have to figure it out, I was devistated having to be forced to think what would happen to my son I worked for 4 years to recover, if he would regress, stay on the diet, do suppliments ect. so he has been doing shopping over this last year so I am sure he would be able to handle that, he can do whole foods and be fine, calling companies about HOW they are gf ect I don't think he would be able to do, or make bread per say to meet his allergies ect. He said he would continue to see our DAN yearly, but if he retired he would be up a creek with out a paddle. So I am going to start journaling things JUST IN CASE so to say, so he could take things in, and see a history of suppliments ect....

Recovering from Autism is a marathon NOT a sprint, but FULLY possible! Read more about it on my Blogs athttp://www.myspace.com/christelking

Re: How men and women feel while battling autism...

Cheryl and Stan, our situation here is exactly the same, with dh supportive but clueless, knows what I tell him but would not research for himself etc etc... I worry if something happens to me he would not know what to do ... actually just the other day we sat down and I made the list of most important long-term supplements and also who to contact for advice (yahoo lists etc) and the nearest DAN doctor - we are not patients at the moment but dh could not do much on his own...in reply to your question Stan:> Do you think it's hard for men to feel vulnerable to the fact that you may know more than > they do? That you are the leader. Does that emasculate them I wonder?I don't feel that way, not in our situation. dh is too busy and stressed with work and only too happy to offload. also, biomed and other asd treatments fall into 'childcare' category I feel, so should not feel emasculating for most men, fwiw. maybe I'm wrong...> Do you feel your husband may be affected as well and should be treated? (many of us > probably should be)no, but his poor liver should be protected ) so I get him to take milk thistle and things like that. also CLO for overall health...Natasa> > > > > > > > One more question.> > >> > > If you could get one thing from your spouse that you are not > > > getting while on this journey,> > > what would that be?> > >> > > - Stan> > >> >>

No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.5.516 / Virus Database: 269.19.19/1256 - Release Date: 2/2/2008 1:50 PM

[Guest guest]

oh and I am keeping a 3 ring folder with testing and color coding it by testing type and then in order of testing done and recommendations made and why for HIM to be able to understand, I am also keeping a lybray of books, like eveidence of harm, children with starving brains, biomedical treatments of autism and PDD, and the name of a mercury free dentist and local dr's in OUR area and IF he had to move by his folks just in case

Recovering from Autism is a marathon NOT a sprint, but FULLY possible! Read more about it on my Blogs athttp://www.myspace.com/christelking

Re: How men and women feel while battling autism...

Cheryl and Stan, our situation here is exactly the same, with dh supportive but clueless, knows what I tell him but would not research for himself etc etc... I worry if something happens to me he would not know what to do ... actually just the other day we sat down and I made the list of most important long-term supplements and also who to contact for advice (yahoo lists etc) and the nearest DAN doctor - we are not patients at the moment but dh could not do much on his own...in reply to your question Stan:> Do you think it's hard for men to feel vulnerable to the fact that you may know more than > they do? That you are the leader. Does that emasculate them I wonder?I don't feel that way, not in our situation. dh is too busy and stressed with work and only too happy to offload. also, biomed and other asd treatments fall into 'childcare' category I feel, so should not feel emasculating for most men, fwiw. maybe I'm wrong...> Do you feel your husband may be affected as well and should be treated? (many of us > probably should be)no, but his poor liver should be protected ) so I get him to take milk thistle and things like that. also CLO for overall health...Natasa> > > > > > > > One more question.> > >> > > If you could get one thing from your spouse that you are not > > > getting while on this journey,> > > what would that be?> > >> > > - Stan> > >> >>

No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.5.516 / Virus Database: 269.19.19/1256 - Release Date: 2/2/2008 1:50 PM

[Guest guest]

I have done this as well I make files of good emails I get with great emails like on household stuff for chemical free pesticides, a bed file for safe bedding, a metals file for chelation, a file for vaccinations so he knows WHY we don't vaccinate, a file for foods and recipes, a file for support groups ect....and one for encouragement with success stories, and moving moments to keep him going if I were gone, oh and I told him to let you all know if I ever die;-} so you can help him out more, OH and A file of thanks notes for those I help (which may sound dumb) but so my kids have a legacy of what mom did to help others as well to put into a book

Recovering from Autism is a marathon NOT a sprint, but FULLY possible! Read more about it on my Blogs athttp://www.myspace.com/christelking

Re: Re: How men and women feel while battling autism...

We're fortunate in that we have a doctor that is more than happy to tell him exactly what to do and from there, my husband would just dig through my stuff, click my bookmarks and read all my e-mails (I never delete good information, whether I use it or not) and hopefully he would go on to do at least a little research. He does, at least, know the different protocols and which one we are on! As soon as I get my webpage going he'll have all the information he needs to get started in one place so hopefully nothing happens to me until then!

Cheryl

Cheryl and Stan, our situation here is exactly the same, with dh supportive but clueless, knows what I tell him but would not research for himself etc etc... I worry if something happens to me he would not know what to do ... actually just the other day we sat down and I made the list of most important long-term supplements and also who to contact for advice (yahoo lists etc) and the nearest DAN doctor - we are not patients at the moment but dh could not do much on his own...in reply to your question Stan:> Do you think it's hard for men to feel vulnerable to the fact that you may know more than > they do? That you are the leader. Does that emasculate them I wonder?I don't feel that way, not in our situation. dh is too busy and stressed with work and only too happy to offload. also, biomed and other asd treatments fall into 'childcare' category I feel, so should not feel emasculating for most men, fwiw. maybe I'm wrong...> Do you feel your husband may be affected as well and should be treated? (many of us > probably should be)no, but his poor liver should be protected ) so I get him to take milk thistle and things like that. also CLO for overall health...Natasa> > > > > > > > One more question.> > >> > > If you could get one thing from your spouse that you are not > > > getting while on this journey,> > > what would that be?> > >> > > - Stan> > >> >>

No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.5.516 / Virus Database: 269.19.19/1256 - Release Date: 2/2/2008 1:50 PM

[Guest guest]

my husband on specturm had a hard time with not being able to have his cream of teaching him to play ball, this drives him to help with the diet and stuff as he wants desperately to have his ball player and OTHER boy things he wanted from the day he heard he was having a boy. remind him of that. now when we have those moments (he is now talking about his girl friends, and wants to play ball) dad tears up knowing it's been a journey to get back to that, but it's even more appreciated. the little things matter, last night we heard our son in the other room quoting scripture....(dad is a pastor and we have always felt like our son has called to be a pastor- hard to do when they loose communication skills hum!) and when I was bawling from loosing my mom friend, he came laid hands on me and prayed that Jesus would take my pain, and then he lifted my chin so I would look eye to eye with him and said, mama jesus can take your burdens that are heavy and weigh you down and heal your heart, I started to cry again, not because I am said but because GOD IS FAITHFUL and IS doing that healting work through biomedical in him and I BELIEVE HE WILL be a preacher and minister some day to many because of US doing our part to heal his body now that he will touch many with those words he is given back NOW!

Recovering from Autism is a marathon NOT a sprint, but FULLY possible! Read more about it on my Blogs athttp://www.myspace.com/christelking

Fw: Re: How men and women feel while battling autism...

Wow, I cried at this line. Very powerful... >My wife told me that she wanted more than anything to give me back my sons. This >struck a chord.Lots of good stuff in this post.> >>>>> >>>> I am trying to learn more about how men and women deal with autism > >>>> differently and> >>> how> >>>> we can help keep families together through this journey. I have some > >>>> idea, but I'm only> >>>> one guy.> >>>>> >>>> Please email me the answers to the following questions, if you feel > >>>> inspired,> >>>> to autismbook1@ or you can respond back to the group. Either is > >>>> fine.> >>>>> >>>> I may publish your comments in a book or article, but the names will be > >>>> changed to> >>>> respect privacy.> >>>>> >>>> Feel free to answer one, some or all of the questions below.> >>>>> >>>> If you are a mom:> >>>>> >> 1. What things did you do successfully to get your man involved in the > >> treatments of> >> autism?> >>> >> I emailed him everything that I found on google that pertained to > >> recoverying children from Autism.> >> I got him to read the book "Changing the course of Autism" By Dr. Jepson > >> and review Stans website and recovery videos.> >>> >>> >> 2. What did you try that didn't work?> >>> >>> >> 3. What disappointed you the most about your spouse?> >>> >> Sometimes he listened to his naysaying family first.> >>> >> 4. What were/are you most grateful for about your spouse?> >>> >> Feeling the need the heal his sons.> >>> >> 5. What would you most want men to know about this journey as far as how > >> it affects> >> the woman?> >>> >> When a woman's child is ill, almost always, nothing, or no one matters > >> most to the mother than the child that is ill. All efforts and thoughts > >> will be about getting the child well. Maternal instincts take over with > >> vengence. The neglect that husbands and family members will face from the > >> mother will not be intentional, however it may feel hurtful. Talk through > >> it and get on board.> >> Things will get better, and the journey will strengthen the bond between > >> husband and wife as everyone heals.> >>> >> 6. How does sex factor into your relationship through this journey?> >>> >> The need for intimacy was gone while the franticness of healing a child > >> was forefront. The need for holding and hugs without the anitcipation > >> that sex would follow, dramatically increased.> >>> >> 7. What has been the hardest part of all for you?> >>> >> Seeing the boys suffer. The intensity of the feelings of anger and > >> sadness. Grieving the loss of what life was supposed to be like, before > >> Autism.> >>> >> 8. During the journey, what has been your biggest fear... the scariest > >> thing that you> >> would> >> have liked to have had more help in dealing with... the fear that you > >> couldn't verbalize to> >> your spouse.> >>> >> The fear that one day I could no longer cope.> >>> >> Feel free to tell me a story that explains your answer.> >>> >>> >> If you are a Dad:> >>> >> 1. What helped you to get involved in helping your child?> >>> >> Seeing my wife putting so much energy into it. Realizing that I did not > >> want my child to have Autism, if there was something I could do about it. > >> Reading more information helped. Learning about other men that have > >> helped their sons recover from autism.> >>> >> 2. What was the hardest part of this journey for you?> >>> >> Watching my family suffer.> >>> >> 3. What would you suggest to mom's to get their spouses more involved?> >>> >> Tell them that you need help, share information. My wife told me that she > >> wanted more than anything to give me back my sons. This struck a chord.> >>> >> 4. What would you want women to know about men and how they deal with > >> all this?> >>> >> Men feel grief. I wanted to just avoid and deny the whole thing. Once I > >> realized I could help, I was on board and no longer accepted that my > >> children would have Autism.> >>> >> 5. What is your exact role in your child's recovery and why did you > >> choose that role?> >>> >> I was the breadwinner but I had to work even harder to make more money to > >> pay for all the necessary treatments for my children. I was whatever my > >> wife needed me to be, she became the director and> >>> >> I the directee. It worked.> >>> >> 6. How does sex factor into your relationship through this journey?> >>> >> There was no sex in the beginning although this was not my choice. I > >> realized I had to let my wife initiate it. I had to hold her lots and not > >> expect anything in return. I learned not to take this personally.> >>> >> 7. During the journey, what has been your biggest fear... the scariest > >> thing that you> >> would> >> have liked to have had more help in dealing with... the fear that you > >> couldn't verbalize> >> to> >> your spouse.> >>> >> I feared that my wife would eventually lose it. I really feared for her. > >> Not now, but initially when all she did was research and change > >> everything around us to help our sons.> >>>> >>>> >>>

[Guest guest]

haha that cream was suppose to be dream!

Recovering from Autism is a marathon NOT a sprint, but FULLY possible! Read more about it on my Blogs athttp://www.myspace.com/christelking

Fw: Re: How men and women feel while battling autism...

Wow, I cried at this line. Very powerful... >My wife told me that she wanted more than anything to give me back my sons. This >struck a chord.Lots of good stuff in this post.> >>>>> >>>> I am trying to learn more about how men and women deal with autism > >>>> differently and> >>> how> >>>> we can help keep families together through this journey. I have some > >>>> idea, but I'm only> >>>> one guy.> >>>>> >>>> Please email me the answers to the following questions, if you feel > >>>> inspired,> >>>> to autismbook1@ or you can respond back to the group. Either is > >>>> fine.> >>>>> >>>> I may publish your comments in a book or article, but the names will be > >>>> changed to> >>>> respect privacy.> >>>>> >>>> Feel free to answer one, some or all of the questions below.> >>>>> >>>> If you are a mom:> >>>>> >> 1. What things did you do successfully to get your man involved in the > >> treatments of> >> autism?> >>> >> I emailed him everything that I found on google that pertained to > >> recoverying children from Autism.> >> I got him to read the book "Changing the course of Autism" By Dr. Jepson > >> and review Stans website and recovery videos.> >>> >>> >> 2. What did you try that didn't work?> >>> >>> >> 3. What disappointed you the most about your spouse?> >>> >> Sometimes he listened to his naysaying family first.> >>> >> 4. What were/are you most grateful for about your spouse?> >>> >> Feeling the need the heal his sons.> >>> >> 5. What would you most want men to know about this journey as far as how > >> it affects> >> the woman?> >>> >> When a woman's child is ill, almost always, nothing, or no one matters > >> most to the mother than the child that is ill. All efforts and thoughts > >> will be about getting the child well. Maternal instincts take over with > >> vengence. The neglect that husbands and family members will face from the > >> mother will not be intentional, however it may feel hurtful. Talk through > >> it and get on board.> >> Things will get better, and the journey will strengthen the bond between > >> husband and wife as everyone heals.> >>> >> 6. How does sex factor into your relationship through this journey?> >>> >> The need for intimacy was gone while the franticness of healing a child > >> was forefront. The need for holding and hugs without the anitcipation > >> that sex would follow, dramatically increased.> >>> >> 7. What has been the hardest part of all for you?> >>> >> Seeing the boys suffer. The intensity of the feelings of anger and > >> sadness. Grieving the loss of what life was supposed to be like, before > >> Autism.> >>> >> 8. During the journey, what has been your biggest fear... the scariest > >> thing that you> >> would> >> have liked to have had more help in dealing with... the fear that you > >> couldn't verbalize to> >> your spouse.> >>> >> The fear that one day I could no longer cope.> >>> >> Feel free to tell me a story that explains your answer.> >>> >>> >> If you are a Dad:> >>> >> 1. What helped you to get involved in helping your child?> >>> >> Seeing my wife putting so much energy into it. Realizing that I did not > >> want my child to have Autism, if there was something I could do about it. > >> Reading more information helped. Learning about other men that have > >> helped their sons recover from autism.> >>> >> 2. What was the hardest part of this journey for you?> >>> >> Watching my family suffer.> >>> >> 3. What would you suggest to mom's to get their spouses more involved?> >>> >> Tell them that you need help, share information. My wife told me that she > >> wanted more than anything to give me back my sons. This struck a chord.> >>> >> 4. What would you want women to know about men and how they deal with > >> all this?> >>> >> Men feel grief. I wanted to just avoid and deny the whole thing. Once I > >> realized I could help, I was on board and no longer accepted that my > >> children would have Autism.> >>> >> 5. What is your exact role in your child's recovery and why did you > >> choose that role?> >>> >> I was the breadwinner but I had to work even harder to make more money to > >> pay for all the necessary treatments for my children. I was whatever my > >> wife needed me to be, she became the director and> >>> >> I the directee. It worked.> >>> >> 6. How does sex factor into your relationship through this journey?> >>> >> There was no sex in the beginning although this was not my choice. I > >> realized I had to let my wife initiate it. I had to hold her lots and not > >> expect anything in return. I learned not to take this personally.> >>> >> 7. During the journey, what has been your biggest fear... the scariest > >> thing that you> >> would> >> have liked to have had more help in dealing with... the fear that you > >> couldn't verbalize> >> to> >> your spouse.> >>> >> I feared that my wife would eventually lose it. I really feared for her. > >> Not now, but initially when all she did was research and change > >> everything around us to help our sons.> >>>> >>>> >>>

[Guest guest]

have you tried leaving things around the house, I got one great conversation out of leaving the discover magazine out with autism on the front of it

Recovering from Autism is a marathon NOT a sprint, but FULLY possible! Read more about it on my Blogs athttp://www.myspace.com/christelking

Re: Re: How men and women feel while battling autism...

More awareness. The support is great but I would like for him to be more aware and interested in what we are doing so I don't have to explain things over and over. I also wish he would join in on the diet but that's really not as important to me as being more aware and interested in not only what we are doing, but also looking at research. I would love it if one day he came up to me and said, "so I was researching some things and guess what I found?" To be able to actually have a real conversation with him about biomed and what things do what and where to go next, etc. To have a joint partner in researching and understanding instead of me giving him the bullet points of something he wants to know. We do talk about it but it usually involves me telling him what I know and then finding out how comfortable he is with it and what he thinks. Even in those conversations, though, he has no real knowledge about it except what I tell him. He does ask some questions when he has them but again, it's all from my perspective.Cheryl> One more question.>> If you could get one thing from your spouse that you are not > getting while on this journey,> what would that be?>> - Stan>

No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.5.516 / Virus Database: 269.19.19/1256 - Release Date: 2/2/2008 1:50 PM

[Guest guest]

He does read articles if I give them to him as long as they aren't too scientific in nature.  He read the Discover article and any other article I give him but he isn't interested in knowing anything beyond surface knowledge.  But he does expect me to keep on top of things so he has a source for immediate information when he wants it!    Mostly I'm just expected to be his personal walking biomed encyclopedia.  It works for us, I guess.  At least he is supportive and caring and I'll take that happily.cherylhave you tried leaving things around the house, I got one great conversation out of leaving the discover magazine out with autism on the front of itRecovering from Autism is a marathon NOT a sprint, but FULLY possible! Read more about it on my Blogs athttp://www.myspace.com/christelking Re: Re: How men and women feel while battling autism...More awareness. The support is great but I would like for him to be more aware and interested in what we are doing so I don't have to explain things over and over. I also wish he would join in on the diet but that's really not as important to me as being more aware and interested in not only what we are doing, but also looking at research. I would love it if one day he came up to me and said, "so I was researching some things and guess what I found?" To be able to actually have a real conversation with him about biomed and what things do what and where to go next, etc. To have a joint partner in researching and understanding instead of me giving him the bullet points of something he wants to know. We do talk about it but it usually involves me telling him what I know and then finding out how comfortable he is with it and what he thinks. Even in those conversations, though, he has no real knowledge about it except what I tell him. He does ask some questions when he has them but again, it's all from my perspective.Cheryl> One more question.>> If you could get one thing from your spouse that you are not > getting while on this journey,> what would that be?>> - Stan>No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.5.516 / Virus Database: 269.19.19/1256 - Release Date: 2/2/2008 1:50 PM

[Guest guest]

more understanding on why i am so tired when he comes home.......the house cleaning, cooking as a master chef, driving here and there, who has anything left for sex, heck did I also mention I have a new baby that I WAS up with 5 times a night till I discovered smoothed avocado in place of baby food!!! is that to OT??!!

Recovering from Autism is a marathon NOT a sprint, but FULLY possible! Read more about it on my Blogs athttp://www.myspace.com/christelking

Re: How men and women feel while battling autism...

One more question.If you could get one thing from your spouse that you are not getting while on this journey, what would that be?- Stan>> I am trying to learn more about how men and women deal with autism differently and how > we can help keep families together through this journey. I have some idea, but I'm only > one guy. > > Please email me the answers to the following questions, if you feel inspired,> to autismbook1@... or you can respond back to the group. Either is fine. > > I may publish your comments in a book or article, but the names will be changed to > respect privacy.> > Feel free to answer one, some or all of the questions below.> > If you are a mom:> > 1. What things did you do successfully to get your man involved in the treatments of > autism?> > 2. What did you try that didn't work?> > 3. What disappointed you the most about your spouse?> > 4. What were/are you most grateful for about your spouse?> > 5. What would you most want men to know about this journey as far as how it affects the > the woman?> > 6. How does sex factor into your relationship through this journey?> > 7. What has been the hardest part of all for you?> > 8. During the journey, what has been your biggest fear... the scariest thing that you would > have liked to have had more help in dealing with... the fear that you couldn't verbalize to > your spouse.> > Feel free to tell me a story that explains your answer.> > If you are a Dad:> > 1. What helped you to get involved in helping your child?> > 2. What was the hardest part of this journey for you?> > 3. What would you suggest to mom's to get their spouses more involved?> > 4. What would you want women to know about men and how they deal with all this?> > 5. What is your exact role in your child's recovery and why did you choose that role?> > 6. How does sex factor into your relationship through this journey?> > 7. During the journey, what has been your biggest fear... the scariest thing that you would > have liked to have had more help in dealing with... the fear that you couldn't verbalize to > your spouse.>

No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.5.516 / Virus Database: 269.19.19/1256 - Release Date: 2/2/2008 1:50 PM

[Guest guest]

shared hope.

Re: Re: How men and women feel while battling autism...

help

-------------- Original message -------------- From: "Stan Kurtz" <stankurtzgmail>

One more question.If you could get one thing from your spouse that you are not getting while on this journey, what would that be?- Stan>> I am trying to learn more about how men and women deal with autism differently and how > we can help keep families together through this journey. I have some idea, but I'm only > one guy. > > Please email me the answers to the following questions, if you feel inspired,> to autismbook1@... or you can respond back to the group. Either is fine. > > I may publish your comments in a book or article, but the names will be changed to > respect privacy.> > Feel free to answer one, some or all of the questions below.> > If you are a mom:> > 1. What things did you do successfully to get your man involved in the treatments of > autism?> > 2. What did you try that didn't work?> > 3. What disappointed you the most about your spouse?> > 4. What were/are you most grateful for about your spouse?> > 5. What would you most want men to know about this journey as far as how it affects the > the woman?> > 6. How does sex factor into your relationship through this journey?> > 7. What has been the hardest part of all for you?> > 8. During the journey, what has been your biggest fear... the scariest thing that you would > have liked to have had more help in dealing with... the fear that you couldn't verbalize to > your spouse.> > Feel free to tell me a story that explains your answer.> > If you are a Dad:> > 1. What helped you to get involved in helping your child?> > ; 2. What was the hardest part of this journey for you?> > 3. What would you suggest to mom's to get their spouses more involved?> > 4. What would you want women to know about men and how they deal with all this?> > 5. What is your exact role in your child's recovery and why did you choose that role?> > 6. How does sex factor into your relationship through this journey?> > 7. During the journey, what has been your biggest fear... the scariest thing that you would > have liked to have had more help in dealing with... the fear that you couldn't verbalize to > your spouse.>

[Guest guest]

1. What things did you do successfully to get your man involved in the treatments of > autism? I send him a few email from the different yahoo groups and tell what he needs to do for the girls.> > 2. What did you try that didn't work? > > 3. What disappointed you the most about your spouse? He says I am the R & R Department. I wish he would research also but then I am afraid he may miss something that I feel is improtant.> > 4. What were/are you most grateful for about your spouse? He is going along with trying different supplements for the kids.> > 5. What would you most want men to know about this journey as far as how it affects the > the woman? I am on a mission to fix my kids and their is nothing more important.> > 6. How does sex factor into your relationship through this journey? Yes I would rather research until I can't keep

my eye open rather then be in the bedroom.> > 7. What has been the hardest part of all for you? Accepting they are not the perfect kids I thought they were before they were diagnosed. Not being able to finacially provide doctor visits and more treatments and therapies right now.> > 8. During the journey, what has been your biggest fear... the scariest thing that you would > have liked to have had more help in dealing with... the fear that you couldn't verbalize to > your spouse. More support emotionally during those times I just need a shoulder to cry on.. >

Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.

[Guest guest]

1. What things did you do successfully to get your man involved in the treatments of > autism? I send him a few email from the different yahoo groups and tell what he needs to do for the girls.> > 2. What did you try that didn't work? > > 3. What disappointed you the most about your spouse? He says I am the R & R Department. I wish he would research also but then I am afraid he may miss something that I feel is improtant.> > 4. What were/are you most grateful for about your spouse? He is going along with trying different supplements for the kids.> > 5. What would you most want men to know about this journey as far as how it affects the > the woman? I am on a mission to fix my kids and their is nothing more important.> > 6. How does sex factor into your relationship through this journey? Yes I would rather research until I can't keep

my eye open rather then be in the bedroom.> > 7. What has been the hardest part of all for you? Accepting they are not the perfect kids I thought they were before they were diagnosed. Not being able to finacially provide doctor visits and more treatments and therapies right now.> > 8. During the journey, what has been your biggest fear... the scariest thing that you would > have liked to have had more help in dealing with... the fear that you couldn't verbalize to > your spouse. More support emotionally during those times I just need a shoulder to cry on.. >

Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.

[Guest guest]

Amen to that!! Plus working full time-- there is just no gas left in the gas tank at night.Christel King wrote: more understanding on why i am so tired when he comes home.......the house cleaning, cooking as a master chef, driving here and there, who has anything left for sex, heck did I also mention I have a new baby that I WAS up with 5 times a night till I discovered smoothed avocado in place of baby food!!! is that to OT??!! Recovering

from Autism is a marathon NOT a sprint, but FULLY possible! Read more about it on my Blogs athttp://www.myspace.com/christelking Re: How men and women feel while battling autism... One more question.If you could get one thing from your spouse that you are not

getting while on this journey, what would that be?- Stan>> I am trying to learn more about how men and women deal with autism differently and how > we can help keep families together through this journey. I have some idea, but I'm only > one guy. > > Please email me the answers to the following questions, if you feel inspired,> to autismbook1@... or you can respond back to the group. Either is fine. > > I may publish your comments in a book or article, but the names will be changed to > respect privacy.> > Feel free to answer one, some or all of the questions below.> > If you are a mom:> > 1. What things did you do successfully to get your man involved in the treatments of >

autism?> > 2. What did you try that didn't work?> > 3. What disappointed you the most about your spouse?> > 4. What were/are you most grateful for about your spouse?> > 5. What would you most want men to know about this journey as far as how it affects the > the woman?> > 6. How does sex factor into your relationship through this journey?> > 7. What has been the hardest part of all for you?> > 8. During the journey, what has been your biggest fear... the scariest thing that you would > have liked to have had more help in dealing with... the fear that you couldn't verbalize to > your spouse.> > Feel free to tell me a story that explains your answer.> > If you are a Dad:> > 1. What helped you to get involved in helping your child?> > 2. What was the hardest part of this journey for

you?> > 3. What would you suggest to mom's to get their spouses more involved?> > 4. What would you want women to know about men and how they deal with all this?> > 5. What is your exact role in your child's recovery and why did you choose that role?> > 6. How does sex factor into your relationship through this journey?> > 7. During the journey, what has been your biggest fear... the scariest thing that you would > have liked to have had more help in dealing with... the fear that you couldn't verbalize to > your spouse.> No virus found in this incoming message.Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.5.516 / Virus Database: 269.19.19/1256 - Release Date: 2/2/2008 1:50 PM

Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.

[Guest guest]

--- Stan Kurtz wrote:

My 2 ASD sons have different fathers. I was

amazed at how much their (the fathers) behaviors

were similiar, and how they were both similar to

Cheryl's husband in that they were followers, and

definately not leaders in the process.

My first husband was clueless and didn't even

make an attempt to learn anything. He would

pretty much do what I asked, but since I wasn't

doing any bio-med, that wasn't much.

My 2nd husband will give our son his supplements,

and does remember what to give him, in the

morning, since he gets up with our son.

However, he also has zero interest in research.

This is very frustrating. I've purchased tons of

books on the subject. I asked my husband (who is

a reader, btw) if he would read half, so we could

discuss things and learn things together. He

read about 2 chapters of one book.

I think men stay in denial longer than the women

do. If I had depended on my husband's guidance,

when it came to our son, we would have had a

circumcized, fully vaccinated child, who might

just now (at age 3) be getting evaluated, and

once evaluated, would probably only get standard

services because of lack of research.

I love my husband and he's a good man, but

writing this and realizing how alone I am in this

is very painful. I worry about my son's progress

being limited if something were to happen to me.

Kim

> A couple of thoughts:

>

> Do you think it's hard for men to feel

> vulnerable to the fact that you may know more

> than

> they do? That you are the leader. Does that

> emasculate them I wonder?

>

> Do you feel your husband may be affected as

> well and should be treated? (many of us

> probably should be)

>

>

>

>

> >

> > > One more question.

> > >

> > > If you could get one thing from your spouse

> that you are not

> > > getting while on this journey,

> > > what would that be?

> > >

> > > - Stan

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

Be a better friend, newshound, and

know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ

[Guest guest]

I wonder if all the critical logic we are immersed in makes it difficult for many men to handle the contradictions involved in getting practical treatment and care to work?There are people who have no trouble in doing something that works out in practice, however wrong it appears intellectually.   Others get hog tied in this situation.  The best way is to be able to think in several ways in parallel without getting one's pants knotted  around one's own ankles...  But who can do it/My 2 ASD sons have different fathers. I wasamazed at how much their (the fathers) behaviorswere similiar, and how they were both similar toCheryl's husband in that they were followers, anddefinately not leaders in the process.My first husband was clueless and didn't evenmake an attempt to learn anything. He wouldpretty much do what I asked, but since I wasn'tdoing any bio-med, that wasn't much.My 2nd husband will give our son his supplements,and does remember what to give him, in themorning, since he gets up with our son.However, he also has zero interest in research. This is very frustrating. I've purchased tons ofbooks on the subject. I asked my husband (who isa reader, btw) if he would read half, so we coulddiscuss things and learn things together. Heread about 2 chapters of one book.I think men stay in denial longer than the womendo. If I had depended on my husband's guidance,when it came to our son, we would have had acircumcized, fully vaccinated child, who mightjust now (at age 3) be getting evaluated, andonce evaluated, would probably only get standardservices because of lack of research.I love my husband and he's a good man, butwriting this and realizing how alone I am in thisis very painful. I worry about my son's progressbeing limited if something were to happen to me.Kim > A couple of thoughts:> > Do you think it's hard for men to feel> vulnerable to the fact that you may know more

[Guest guest]

I wonder if all the critical logic we are immersed in makes it difficult for many men to handle the contradictions involved in getting practical treatment and care to work?There are people who have no trouble in doing something that works out in practice, however wrong it appears intellectually.   Others get hog tied in this situation.  The best way is to be able to think in several ways in parallel without getting one's pants knotted  around one's own ankles...  But who can do it/My 2 ASD sons have different fathers. I wasamazed at how much their (the fathers) behaviorswere similiar, and how they were both similar toCheryl's husband in that they were followers, anddefinately not leaders in the process.My first husband was clueless and didn't evenmake an attempt to learn anything. He wouldpretty much do what I asked, but since I wasn'tdoing any bio-med, that wasn't much.My 2nd husband will give our son his supplements,and does remember what to give him, in themorning, since he gets up with our son.However, he also has zero interest in research. This is very frustrating. I've purchased tons ofbooks on the subject. I asked my husband (who isa reader, btw) if he would read half, so we coulddiscuss things and learn things together. Heread about 2 chapters of one book.I think men stay in denial longer than the womendo. If I had depended on my husband's guidance,when it came to our son, we would have had acircumcized, fully vaccinated child, who mightjust now (at age 3) be getting evaluated, andonce evaluated, would probably only get standardservices because of lack of research.I love my husband and he's a good man, butwriting this and realizing how alone I am in thisis very painful. I worry about my son's progressbeing limited if something were to happen to me.Kim > A couple of thoughts:> > Do you think it's hard for men to feel> vulnerable to the fact that you may know more

[Guest guest]

----- Original Message -----

From: Wade

I wonder if all the critical logic we are immersed in makes it difficult for many men to handle the contradictions involved in getting practical treatment and care to work?

===>You're not saying, are you , that women don't have or use critical logic?

There are people who have no trouble in doing something that works out in practice, however wrong it appears intellectually. Others get hog tied in this situation. The best way is to be able to think in several ways in parallel without getting one's pants knotted around one's own ankles... But who can do it/

My 2 ASD sons have different fathers. I wasamazed at how much their (the fathers) behaviorswere similiar, and how they were both similar toCheryl's husband in that they were followers, anddefinately not leaders in the process.My first husband was clueless and didn't evenmake an attempt to learn anything. He wouldpretty much do what I asked, but since I wasn'tdoing any bio-med, that wasn't much.My 2nd husband will give our son his supplements,and does remember what to give him, in themorning, since he gets up with our son.However, he also has zero interest in research. This is very frustrating. I've purchased tons ofbooks on the subject. I asked my husband (who isa reader, btw) if he would read half, so we coulddiscuss things and learn things together. Heread about 2 chapters of one book.I think men stay in denial longer than the womendo. If I had depended on my husband's guidance,when it came to our son, we would have had acircumcized, fully vaccinated child, who mightjust now (at age 3) be getting evaluated, andonce evaluated, would probably only get standardservices because of lack of research.I love my husband and he's a good man, butwriting this and realizing how alone I am in thisis very painful. I worry about my son's progressbeing limited if something were to happen to me.Kim > A couple of thoughts:> > Do you think it's hard for men to feel> vulnerable to the fact that you may know more