Re: In a bad place, but with a breakthrough

[Guest guest]

Sorry to hear your stressed out. 

I know when I get that way, its like a rollercoaster. I hate how I feel so I

eat, than I hate how I look so I eat more than I am so depressed that I am not

eating well, I eat more.  Finally, I sit back and ask myelf what is really

going

on here? 

Knowing it's a desire is great.  Desire to be healthy.

Hugs,

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Thu, April 28, 2011 1:35:41 PM

Subject: In a bad place, but with a breakthrough

 

Hi Group,

So I still can't seem to manage to get myself back on track. I haven't been

eating anything terribly unhealthy, but I have been eating a lot. Pasta mainly.

I've got a lot of school stress, and a big life decision to make. I got into a

PhD program, but I don't know if I want to do it. On the other hand, I'm afraid

that if I don't do it I'll be unemployed and have to move back in with my

mother. This past year doing my Masters has felt like the first time in a very

long time that I was moving forward with my life, and I'm terrified of going

back to how things were before. I'm dealing with a boy issue which is making me

feel incredibly lonely, and I just found out that 'the one who got away' got

engaged. It's now official, all of my exes and men who have been romantically

important to me are engaged or married. One even has a baby. I feel like

everyone is passing me by, like life is passing me by, and I'm stuck not knowing

what to do next or how to fix things.

Of course all of this is making me want to eat. I had a moment today where I was

desperately craving something. I thought I'd put on my shoes and go to the

supermarket and get something. Until I realized I had no idea what that

something was. I wasn't craving ice cream or pizza or chips, I just wanted to

eat. The thought of any actual specific item of food turned me off though. Even

though the desire to eat hasn't gone away, knowing - REALLY knowing, that that

desire is about my emotions and not a food craving, is helping me not eat. Maybe

I can hold on to that realization and it will help me through the next time I

feel like this.

I know this was long. Thanks for anybody who read through it all. Times like

this I'm so grateful for the existence of this group.

[Guest guest]

Hi :

You have a lot going on. Bravo for your clarity and your

breakthrough! I am truly impressed!

Your success gives me hope that I can get back on track as well!

Lots of love,

> Hi Group,

>

> So I still can't seem to manage to get myself back on track. I

> haven't been eating anything terribly unhealthy, but I have been

> eating a lot. Pasta mainly.

>

> I've got a lot of school stress, and a big life decision to make. I

> got into a PhD program, but I don't know if I want to do it. On the

> other hand, I'm afraid that if I don't do it I'll be unemployed and

> have to move back in with my mother. This past year doing my Masters

> has felt like the first time in a very long time that I was moving

> forward with my life, and I'm terrified of going back to how things

> were before. I'm dealing with a boy issue which is making me feel

> incredibly lonely, and I just found out that 'the one who got away'

> got engaged. It's now official, all of my exes and men who have been

> romantically important to me are engaged or married. One even has a

> baby. I feel like everyone is passing me by, like life is passing me

> by, and I'm stuck not knowing what to do next or how to fix things.

>

> Of course all of this is making me want to eat. I had a moment today

> where I was desperately craving something. I thought I'd put on my

> shoes and go to the supermarket and get something. Until I realized

> I had no idea what that something was. I wasn't craving ice cream or

> pizza or chips, I just wanted to eat. The thought of any actual

> specific item of food turned me off though. Even though the desire

> to eat hasn't gone away, knowing - REALLY knowing, that that desire

> is about my emotions and not a food craving, is helping me not eat.

> Maybe I can hold on to that realization and it will help me through

> the next time I feel like this.

>

> I know this was long. Thanks for anybody who read through it all.

> Times like this I'm so grateful for the existence of this group.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

this reminds me of the quote about fear ... “Fear is the dark room where the

Devil develops his negatives.â€fear of going back to the way things were before

(unemployed, living with your Mom) if you don't step forward into the unknown

(PhD program), fear that the program isn't right for you, you circle back

(unemployed, living with your Mom) - sounds kind of like a dead end either way

Is your fear based on the unknown or is your fear based in the fact that

you are currently not happy with your education path and you don't want

to go further down the wrong path?

so what if this WAS the right move for you to continue with school?  what would

you see, what would it feel like? You'd be employed?  You'd be living on your

own? You'd be in a career path that excites you?

it sounds more like you're at a crossroads to me -- the history (old boyfriends,

friends in general) has moved on and your friend have also moved on with their

lives and that old life felt safe & comfortable to you (it was always there,

that you could retreat back into it for safety if you needed) -- now you're

seeing that you can't go back, which is really hard -- you can only move

sideways or forward -- no back stepping.

think about your success - what it will look like & feel like when you finish

your degree -- if that is still the life/path/career you want, keep going but if

something in your gut is making you doubt your career - now is the best time to

find a better fit.

everything falls into place, one piece at a time .. you'll find you way forward

and there might be a few side steps to find the better path!

> Hi Group,

>

> So I still can't seem to manage to get myself back on track. I 

> haven't been eating anything terribly unhealthy, but I have been 

> eating a lot. Pasta mainly.

>

> I've got a lot of school stress, and a big life decision to make. I 

> got into a PhD program, but I don't know if I want to do it. On the 

> other hand, I'm afraid that if I don't do it I'll be unemployed and 

> have to move back in with my mother. This past year doing my Masters 

> has felt like the first time in a very long time that I was moving 

> forward with my life, and I'm terrified of going back to how things 

> were before. I'm dealing with a boy issue which is making me feel 

> incredibly lonely, and I just found out that 'the one who got away' 

> got engaged. It's now official, all of my exes and men who have been 

> romantically important to me are engaged or married. One even has a 

> baby. I feel like everyone is passing me by, like life is passing me 

> by, and I'm stuck not knowing what to do next or how to fix things.

>

> Of course all of this is making me want to eat. I had a moment today 

> where I was desperately craving something. I thought I'd put on my 

> shoes and go to the supermarket and get something. Until I realized 

> I had no idea what that something was. I wasn't craving ice cream or 

> pizza or chips, I just wanted to eat. The thought of any actual 

> specific item of food turned me off though. Even though the desire 

> to eat hasn't gone away, knowing - REALLY knowing, that that desire 

> is about my emotions and not a food craving, is helping me not eat. 

> Maybe I can hold on to that realization and it will help me through 

> the next time I feel like this.

>

> I know this was long. Thanks for anybody who read through it all. 

> Times like this I'm so grateful for the existence of this group.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

First of all, congratulations on getting into such an elite program. It sounds

to me that deep down inside you already know what you want to do but you're a

bit afraid to leave behind an old part of you and embrace a new more challenging

part. Why don't you want to accept the program? You don't like what you will be

studying? Or tired of school?

 

I also think that it's awesome that while talking to yourself you realised that

you didn't need food, you needed comfort and you were able to turn to our group

to sound off and not eat a tub of ice-cream. Finally, you said that even though

you are eating some food for comfort it's a healthier choice than you would have

made in the past. Yahooo... :-) 

 

Now..old boyfriends and friendships.. You know you can be moving along

parallel to your friends for a long time and then they may move in one

direction and you in another. If an old boyfriend " got away " , do you really deep

down inside want to be with him now? Who can tell who is getting left behind and

who isn't? How do you know that they don't feel the same because you are

continuing your education? They may imagine that they are getting left behind as

you continue to improve your mind and your education and associate with a

different group of people.Maybe while doing your PhD you will meet a certain

someone who interests you more and who is more interested in the real you.

I think that if you trust yourself, you will find an incredible person

inside who is ready to meet her next challenge.

Let us know what you decide.

 

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Thursday, April 28, 2011 8:35 PM

Subject: In a bad place, but with a breakthrough

 

Hi Group,

So I still can't seem to manage to get myself back on track. I haven't been

eating anything terribly unhealthy, but I have been eating a lot. Pasta mainly.

I've got a lot of school stress, and a big life decision to make. I got into a

PhD program, but I don't know if I want to do it. On the other hand, I'm afraid

that if I don't do it I'll be unemployed and have to move back in with my

mother. This past year doing my Masters has felt like the first time in a very

long time that I was moving forward with my life, and I'm terrified of going

back to how things were before. I'm dealing with a boy issue which is making me

feel incredibly lonely, and I just found out that 'the one who got away' got

engaged. It's now official, all of my exes and men who have been romantically

important to me are engaged or married. One even has a baby. I feel like

everyone is passing me by, like life is passing me by, and I'm stuck not knowing

what to do next or how to fix things.

Of course all of this is making me want to eat. I had a moment today where I was

desperately craving something. I thought I'd put on my shoes and go to the

supermarket and get something. Until I realized I had no idea what that

something was. I wasn't craving ice cream or pizza or chips, I just wanted to

eat. The thought of any actual specific item of food turned me off though. Even

though the desire to eat hasn't gone away, knowing - REALLY knowing, that that

desire is about my emotions and not a food craving, is helping me not eat. Maybe

I can hold on to that realization and it will help me through the next time I

feel like this.

I know this was long. Thanks for anybody who read through it all. Times like

this I'm so grateful for the existence of this group.

[Guest guest]

Awesome Quote! Very Inspiring!

Hugs and Positive Thoughts Constance

> Hi Group,

>

> So I still can't seem to manage to get myself back on track. I 

> haven't been eating anything terribly unhealthy, but I have been 

> eating a lot. Pasta mainly.

>

> I've got a lot of school stress, and a big life decision to make. I 

> got into a PhD program, but I don't know if I want to do it. On the 

> other hand, I'm afraid that if I don't do it I'll be unemployed and 

> have to move back in with my mother. This past year doing my Masters 

> has felt like the first time in a very long time that I was moving 

> forward with my life, and I'm terrified of going back to how things 

> were before. I'm dealing with a boy issue which is making me feel 

> incredibly lonely, and I just found out that 'the one who got away' 

> got engaged. It's now official, all of my exes and men who have been 

> romantically important to me are engaged or married. One even has a 

> baby. I feel like everyone is passing me by, like life is passing me 

> by, and I'm stuck not knowing what to do next or how to fix things.

>

> Of course all of this is making me want to eat. I had a moment today 

> where I was desperately craving something. I thought I'd put on my 

> shoes and go to the supermarket and get something. Until I realized 

> I had no idea what that something was. I wasn't craving ice cream or 

> pizza or chips, I just wanted to eat. The thought of any actual 

> specific item of food turned me off though. Even though the desire 

> to eat hasn't gone away, knowing - REALLY knowing, that that desire 

> is about my emotions and not a food craving, is helping me not eat. 

> Maybe I can hold on to that realization and it will help me through 

> the next time I feel like this.

>

> I know this was long. Thanks for anybody who read through it all. 

> Times like this I'm so grateful for the existence of this group.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the thoughtful replies I've gotten. People's questions have given me

a lot to think about.

I'm questioning accepting the offer to the PhD program because I don't know if

it's the right thing for me. Truthfully, I would rather be working. Well, what I

really want is to work in a job related to my field while doing the PhD.

Unfortunately, because I'm in school abroad there are restrictions on how many

hours I can work. Realistically, it's very unlikely I could get the kind of job

I want while I'm here on a student visa. Not that I'm not going to try, but I do

need to take that into account. But in between finishing my BA and starting my

Masters, there were 3 years when I was working terrible jobs that barely allowed

me to pay my bills and I lived at home. It was soul crushing, I became extremely

depressed, and that was one of the biggest factors in my weight gain. So while

I'd prefer a career over staying in school, I'd prefer staying in school to

unemployment or a dead end job. I've sent out a lot of resumes but haven't heard

back from anyone yet.

I'm feeling very afraid. Deep down I've always feared that I'm not capable of

caring for myself. I feel so certain that I won't be able to find a good job

that I enjoy and that allows me to live well. With so many people I know getting

engaged and married, I'm afraid of going it alone the rest of my life. And I

think my eating habits are a reflection of all that fear. It's like, I believe I

can't care for myself, and while I don't want that to be true, to a certain

extent there's also comfort in reinforcing that belief. So when I make poor

dietary choices, it's confirming that I can't take care of myself, and sort of

gives me permission to stop trying.

I know I shouldn't compare myself to other people. But I'm nearly 28 years old,

and it scares me that I'm not on a solid career path, that I don't have a place

that I call home, that I still rely so much on my parents for financial support,

that I haven't been in a serious relationship in a long time. I'm trying to

remember where I was a year ago, a year and a half ago - I've made big,

important strides this year, and I don't want to discount that, but I am still

frustrated with feeling so off track. I feel really far from having the life I

want.

________________________________

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Sent: Sat, April 30, 2011 5:48:50 PM

Subject: Re: In a bad place, but with a breakthrough

Hi ,

First of all, congratulations on getting into such an elite program. It sounds

to me that deep down inside you already know what you want to do but you're a

bit afraid to leave behind an old part of you and embrace a new more challenging

part. Why don't you want to accept the program? You don't like what you will be

studying? Or tired of school?

I also think that it's awesome that while talking to yourself you realised that

you didn't need food, you needed comfort and you were able to turn to our group

to sound off and not eat a tub of ice-cream. Finally, you said that even though

you are eating some food for comfort it's a healthier choice than you would have

made in the past. Yahooo... :-)

Now..old boyfriends and friendships.. You know you can be moving along

parallel to your friends for a long time and then they may move in one direction

and you in another. If an old boyfriend " got away " , do you really deep down

inside want to be with him now? Who can tell who is getting left behind and who

isn't? How do you know that they don't feel the same because you are continuing

your education? They may imagine that they are getting left behind as you

continue to improve your mind and your education and associate with a different

group of people.Maybe while doing your PhD you will meet a certain someone who

interests you more and who is more interested in the real you.

I think that if you trust yourself, you will find an incredible person

inside who is ready to meet her next challenge.

Let us know what you decide.

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Thursday, April 28, 2011 8:35 PM

Subject: In a bad place, but with a breakthrough

Hi Group,

So I still can't seem to manage to get myself back on track. I haven't been

eating anything terribly unhealthy, but I have been eating a lot. Pasta mainly.

I've got a lot of school stress, and a big life decision to make. I got into a

PhD program, but I don't know if I want to do it. On the other hand, I'm afraid

that if I don't do it I'll be unemployed and have to move back in with my

mother. This past year doing my Masters has felt like the first time in a very

long time that I was moving forward with my life, and I'm terrified of going

back to how things were before. I'm dealing with a boy issue which is making me

feel incredibly lonely, and I just found out that 'the one who got away' got

engaged. It's now official, all of my exes and men who have been romantically

important to me are engaged or married. One even has a baby. I feel like

everyone is passing me by, like life is passing me by, and I'm stuck not knowing

what to do next or how to fix things.

Of course all of this is making me want to eat. I had a moment today where I was

desperately craving something. I thought I'd put on my shoes and go to the

supermarket and get something. Until I realized I had no idea what that

something was. I wasn't craving ice cream or pizza or chips, I just wanted to

eat. The thought of any actual specific item of food turned me off though. Even

though the desire to eat hasn't gone away, knowing - REALLY knowing, that that

desire is about my emotions and not a food craving, is helping me not eat. Maybe

I can hold on to that realization and it will help me through the next time I

feel like this.

I know this was long. Thanks for anybody who read through it all. Times like

this I'm so grateful for the existence of this group.

[Guest guest]

,

I don't remember where you are in the podcasts, but there are two recent ones

that I think could be very helpful to you now.

The first is #161--which deals with Crummy Dream Syndrome. You know, where you

craft the sort of dream ( " If I could just stop the nighttime eating " ) that if

you get it, it's unlikely to make you happy.....

Then there's #167--which deals with how to spell out your dream, then send off

the request for everything you've dreamed of.... or something even better.

I've had a lot of luck recently with " wouldn't it be cool if " .... It started

when I noticed I was sulking because I thought I had to choose between two

things I really wanted to do (a few days apart on different continents). I

didn't like the feeling--so I decided to put it out as a Request to the

Universe--wouldn't it be cool if I could have both?

I understand the fear of not being settled. I carried it with me a long time...

It wasn't until I was closer to 40 that things really stabilized in terms of

home, profession, etc.... I think that's not so unusual these days. Not that it

makes it any easier to deal with--but not being settled by age 28 is a sign of

the modern world--not a personal failure.

I also wonder if the extra weight is really a way of reinforcing your view that

you can't take care of yourself... To me, it seems more like a way of taking

care of yourself. Of ensuring that no matter what happens, you have resources

stored up. How does it feel, if you view it as a positively intended (though

impractical) method of caring for yourself, instead of negatively intended

method of sabotaging yourself? Does it help you feel kinder towards yourself?

There's a series of IOWL podcasts on abundance. I think it's around 50 or 60. I

wonder if those might also have something to offer in conquering your fear?

Hang in there, .... Feel free to dream about the life you want--while you

find things to enjoy in the life you have.

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Sun, May 1, 2011 5:31:41 PM

Subject: Re: In a bad place, but with a breakthrough

Thanks for the thoughtful replies I've gotten. People's questions have given me

a lot to think about.

I'm questioning accepting the offer to the PhD program because I don't know if

it's the right thing for me. Truthfully, I would rather be working. Well, what I

really want is to work in a job related to my field while doing the PhD.

Unfortunately, because I'm in school abroad there are restrictions on how many

hours I can work. Realistically, it's very unlikely I could get the kind of job

I want while I'm here on a student visa. Not that I'm not going to try, but I do

need to take that into account. But in between finishing my BA and starting my

Masters, there were 3 years when I was working terrible jobs that barely allowed

me to pay my bills and I lived at home. It was soul crushing, I became extremely

depressed, and that was one of the biggest factors in my weight gain. So while

I'd prefer a career over staying in school, I'd prefer staying in school to

unemployment or a dead end job. I've sent out a lot of resumes but haven't heard

back from anyone yet.

I'm feeling very afraid. Deep down I've always feared that I'm not capable of

caring for myself. I feel so certain that I won't be able to find a good job

that I enjoy and that allows me to live well. With so many people I know getting

engaged and married, I'm afraid of going it alone the rest of my life. And I

think my eating habits are a reflection of all that fear. It's like, I believe I

can't care for myself, and while I don't want that to be true, to a certain

extent there's also comfort in reinforcing that belief. So when I make poor

dietary choices, it's confirming that I can't take care of myself, and sort of

gives me permission to stop trying.

I know I shouldn't compare myself to other people. But I'm nearly 28 years old,

and it scares me that I'm not on a solid career path, that I don't have a place

that I call home, that I still rely so much on my parents for financial support,

that I haven't been in a serious relationship in a long time. I'm trying to

remember where I was a year ago, a year and a half ago - I've made big,

important strides this year, and I don't want to discount that, but I am still

frustrated with feeling so off track. I feel really far from having the life I

want.

__________________

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I agree with on this one. It's quite common these days for people to not

finish school until in their 30s, and it's hard to feel " settled " when you're

still pursuing your education.

As for not being on a solid career path, let me share my experience with you.

When I was a teenager, I had decided not only the career I wanted, but where I

wanted to work. I obtained my professional degree at 25, landed a great job at

26, got my dream job at 27 (contract, mind you, but I expected that to become

permanent), moved back to my hometown and thought I was set for life. I thought

I had everything figured out and I knew what I would like and what would fulfill

me professionally.

At 28, I realized that I really didn't like my dream job or my chosen profession

after all! Later that year, the economy tanked and at the end of my contract, I

would be without a job. I had to scramble to find something because I had a

mortgage and bills to pay. I found new employment but hated it so much that I

quit after a few months and was unemployed for a year. Now I'm 31 and working

in a " dead-end " job and going nowhere with my career.

There's more to the story, but essentially, what I'm saying is, despite the best

of planning, life can throw you a curveball. Looking back, I can see many

opportunities that I missed (such as working abroad), that I would have loved to

have done. But I dismissed all those opportunities because I was so narrowly

focused on the ONE career path I had set for myself, which turned out to not

even be right for me.

It's good that you are thinking about what you would like vs. what you wouldn't

like. But be open to any and all possibilities and don't pressure yourself to

have everything all figured out. There isn't any one right path.

With love,

Yuna

>

> Thanks for the thoughtful replies I've gotten. People's questions have given

me

> a lot to think about.

>

>

> I'm questioning accepting the offer to the PhD program because I don't know if

> it's the right thing for me. Truthfully, I would rather be working. Well, what

I

> really want is to work in a job related to my field while doing the PhD.

> Unfortunately, because I'm in school abroad there are restrictions on how many

> hours I can work. Realistically, it's very unlikely I could get the kind of

job

> I want while I'm here on a student visa. Not that I'm not going to try, but I

do

> need to take that into account. But in between finishing my BA and starting my

> Masters, there were 3 years when I was working terrible jobs that barely

allowed

> me to pay my bills and I lived at home. It was soul crushing, I became

extremely

> depressed, and that was one of the biggest factors in my weight gain. So while

> I'd prefer a career over staying in school, I'd prefer staying in school to

> unemployment or a dead end job. I've sent out a lot of resumes but haven't

heard

> back from anyone yet.

>

>

> I'm feeling very afraid. Deep down I've always feared that I'm not capable of

> caring for myself. I feel so certain that I won't be able to find a good job

> that I enjoy and that allows me to live well. With so many people I know

getting

> engaged and married, I'm afraid of going it alone the rest of my life. And I

> think my eating habits are a reflection of all that fear. It's like, I believe

I

> can't care for myself, and while I don't want that to be true, to a certain

> extent there's also comfort in reinforcing that belief. So when I make poor

> dietary choices, it's confirming that I can't take care of myself, and sort of

> gives me permission to stop trying.

>

>

> I know I shouldn't compare myself to other people. But I'm nearly 28 years

old,

> and it scares me that I'm not on a solid career path, that I don't have a

place

> that I call home, that I still rely so much on my parents for financial

support,

> that I haven't been in a serious relationship in a long time. I'm trying to

> remember where I was a year ago, a year and a half ago - I've made big,

> important strides this year, and I don't want to discount that, but I am still

> frustrated with feeling so off track. I feel really far from having the life I

> want.

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

That's an interesting perspective on excess weight. When thinking about the

'gifts' of being heavy, feeling protected is an important one for me, but I

always thought of it in terms of protection from having to get too close to

other people. Your suggestion made me think of it in a whole new way. Maybe it's

an attempt to protect myself from feelings of failure (because if I don't need

to try, there isn't the risk of failing). I think that's the flip side of

viewing it as self-sabotage, but identifying it as self-sabotage hasn't helped,

and maybe flipping it so there is a positive intend will.

At any rate, the past three days have gotten much better. I've been getting back

into exercise, and I'm happier with how I've been eating. I'm also trying to get

my school work done at a more relaxed pace so I don't overwhelm myself or put

unrealistic expectations on myself.

Thanks for the help!

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Mon, May 2, 2011 11:16:29 AM

Subject: Re: In a bad place, but with a breakthrough

,

I don't remember where you are in the podcasts, but there are two recent ones

that I think could be very helpful to you now.

The first is #161--which deals with Crummy Dream Syndrome. You know, where you

craft the sort of dream ( " If I could just stop the nighttime eating " ) that if

you get it, it's unlikely to make you happy.....

Then there's #167--which deals with how to spell out your dream, then send off

the request for everything you've dreamed of.... or something even better.

I've had a lot of luck recently with " wouldn't it be cool if " .... It started

when I noticed I was sulking because I thought I had to choose between two

things I really wanted to do (a few days apart on different continents). I

didn't like the feeling--so I decided to put it out as a Request to the

Universe--wouldn't it be cool if I could have both?

I understand the fear of not being settled. I carried it with me a long time...

It wasn't until I was closer to 40 that things really stabilized in terms of

home, profession, etc.... I think that's not so unusual these days. Not that it

makes it any easier to deal with--but not being settled by age 28 is a sign of

the modern world--not a personal failure.

I also wonder if the extra weight is really a way of reinforcing your view that

you can't take care of yourself... To me, it seems more like a way of taking

care of yourself. Of ensuring that no matter what happens, you have resources

stored up. How does it feel, if you view it as a positively intended (though

impractical) method of caring for yourself, instead of negatively intended

method of sabotaging yourself? Does it help you feel kinder towards yourself?

There's a series of IOWL podcasts on abundance. I think it's around 50 or 60. I

wonder if those might also have something to offer in conquering your fear?

Hang in there, .... Feel free to dream about the life you want--while you

find things to enjoy in the life you have.

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Sun, May 1, 2011 5:31:41 PM

Subject: Re: In a bad place, but with a breakthrough

Thanks for the thoughtful replies I've gotten. People's questions have given me

a lot to think about.

I'm questioning accepting the offer to the PhD program because I don't know if

it's the right thing for me. Truthfully, I would rather be working. Well, what I

really want is to work in a job related to my field while doing the PhD.

Unfortunately, because I'm in school abroad there are restrictions on how many

hours I can work. Realistically, it's very unlikely I could get the kind of job

I want while I'm here on a student visa. Not that I'm not going to try, but I do

need to take that into account. But in between finishing my BA and starting my

Masters, there were 3 years when I was working terrible jobs that barely allowed

me to pay my bills and I lived at home. It was soul crushing, I became extremely

depressed, and that was one of the biggest factors in my weight gain. So while

I'd prefer a career over staying in school, I'd prefer staying in school to

unemployment or a dead end job. I've sent out a lot of resumes but haven't heard

back from anyone yet.

I'm feeling very afraid. Deep down I've always feared that I'm not capable of

caring for myself. I feel so certain that I won't be able to find a good job

that I enjoy and that allows me to live well. With so many people I know getting

engaged and married, I'm afraid of going it alone the rest of my life. And I

think my eating habits are a reflection of all that fear. It's like, I believe I

can't care for myself, and while I don't want that to be true, to a certain

extent there's also comfort in reinforcing that belief. So when I make poor

dietary choices, it's confirming that I can't take care of myself, and sort of

gives me permission to stop trying.

I know I shouldn't compare myself to other people. But I'm nearly 28 years old,

and it scares me that I'm not on a solid career path, that I don't have a place

that I call home, that I still rely so much on my parents for financial support,

that I haven't been in a serious relationship in a long time. I'm trying to

remember where I was a year ago, a year and a half ago - I've made big,

important strides this year, and I don't want to discount that, but I am still

frustrated with feeling so off track. I feel really far from having the life I

want.

__________________

[Guest guest]

Yuna,

what a great story - thank you for sharing that!  I am similar in that I

thought, I too had the perfect career (education, job, etc.) - only to have

burned out from it in my mid 30's -- so back to school, new career, starting

over, I'm now in computers/technology and still in love with it.  I can't

imagine still doing that 'perfect for me' career that I picked at 17 all these

years later - 10 years in it was more than enough ..

You have great advice & wisdom there - it's hard sometimes to give yourself the

same credit, creativity & leeway that we all give others.

 

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Wednesday, May 4, 2011 5:55 AM

Subject: Re: Re: In a bad place, but with a breakthrough

 

Hi ,

I agree with on this one. It's quite common these days for people to not

finish school until in their 30s, and it's hard to feel " settled " when you're

still pursuing your education.

As for not being on a solid career path, let me share my experience with you.

When I was a teenager, I had decided not only the career I wanted, but where I

wanted to work. I obtained my professional degree at 25, landed a great job at

26, got my dream job at 27 (contract, mind you, but I expected that to become

permanent), moved back to my hometown and thought I was set for life. I thought

I had everything figured out and I knew what I would like and what would fulfill

me professionally.

At 28, I realized that I really didn't like my dream job or my chosen profession

after all! Later that year, the economy tanked and at the end of my contract, I

would be without a job. I had to scramble to find something because I had a

mortgage and bills to pay. I found new employment but hated it so much that I

quit after a few months and was unemployed for a year. Now I'm 31 and working

in a " dead-end " job and going nowhere with my career.

There's more to the story, but essentially, what I'm saying is, despite the best

of planning, life can throw you a curveball. Looking back, I can see many

opportunities that I missed (such as working abroad), that I would have loved to

have done. But I dismissed all those opportunities because I was so narrowly

focused on the ONE career path I had set for myself, which turned out to not

even be right for me.

It's good that you are thinking about what you would like vs. what you wouldn't

like. But be open to any and all possibilities and don't pressure yourself to

have everything all figured out. There isn't any one right path.

With love,

Yuna

>

> Thanks for the thoughtful replies I've gotten. People's questions have given

me

> a lot to think about.

>

>

> I'm questioning accepting the offer to the PhD program because I don't know if

> it's the right thing for me. Truthfully, I would rather be working. Well, what

I

> really want is to work in a job related to my field while doing the PhD.

> Unfortunately, because I'm in school abroad there are restrictions on how many

> hours I can work. Realistically, it's very unlikely I could get the kind of

job

> I want while I'm here on a student visa. Not that I'm not going to try, but I

do

> need to take that into account. But in between finishing my BA and starting my

> Masters, there were 3 years when I was working terrible jobs that barely

allowed

> me to pay my bills and I lived at home. It was soul crushing, I became

extremely

> depressed, and that was one of the biggest factors in my weight gain. So while

> I'd prefer a career over staying in school, I'd prefer staying in school to

> unemployment or a dead end job. I've sent out a lot of resumes but haven't

heard

> back from anyone yet.

>

>

> I'm feeling very afraid. Deep down I've always feared that I'm not capable of

> caring for myself. I feel so certain that I won't be able to find a good job

> that I enjoy and that allows me to live well. With so many people I know

getting

> engaged and married, I'm afraid of going it alone the rest of my life. And I

> think my eating habits are a reflection of all that fear. It's like, I believe

I

> can't care for myself, and while I don't want that to be true, to a certain

> extent there's also comfort in reinforcing that belief. So when I make poor

> dietary choices, it's confirming that I can't take care of myself, and sort of

> gives me permission to stop trying.

>

>

> I know I shouldn't compare myself to other people. But I'm nearly 28 years

old,

> and it scares me that I'm not on a solid career path, that I don't have a

place

> that I call home, that I still rely so much on my parents for financial

support,

> that I haven't been in a serious relationship in a long time. I'm trying to

> remember where I was a year ago, a year and a half ago - I've made big,

> important strides this year, and I don't want to discount that, but I am still

> frustrated with feeling so off track. I feel really far from having the life I

> want.

>

>

[Guest guest]

That's fantastic, Colleen. I'm so glad to hear that you are loving your work.

You know, after I posted, I got to thinking about my career, or lack thereof.

And I've realized that this is really what's eating me. This is what's

contributing so much to my weight struggle.

My sense of self-worth and self-identity was so tied up in my career that when

it fell apart, I really felt lost. Initially when I was off work in 2009, I was

happy to have time to rest and relax. And I lost weight, easily. But as the

weeks turned into months, and the months dragged on... as I sent out resumes and

didn't even get interviews, then I started struggling and my eating disorder

came back with a vengeance. I had really great work experience that few my age

would have had, and yet I couldn't even get interviews. That really took a toll

on my self-esteem. It was, and still is, hard to look at where I was and what I

could have been to where I am now because it feels like I've fallen so far.

After a year, I did find the job that I'm in now, which I really took out of

desperation. It did work out well because then my dad got sick and the

flexibility of this job allowed me to be there to look after him. But now that

he's gone, there's that part of me that says I should get back to my career

search because I'm wasting my life. Yet, the other part of me just wants to

rest and enjoy the summer because I sure as heck didn't have a good summer last

year. I can almost physically feel that struggle inside me.

I can't get over that feeling that I've failed career-wise. And when I think

about the future, I get a feeling of hopelessness. My work experience is so

highly specialized that it seems almost impossible for me to find any job except

the type I was doing before... I don't know what to do or what the future holds,

and that uncertainty is hard to cope with.

>

> Yuna,

>

> what a great story - thank you for sharing that!  I am similar in that I

thought, I too had the perfect career (education, job, etc.) - only to have

burned out from it in my mid 30's -- so back to school, new career, starting

over, I'm now in computers/technology and still in love with it.  I can't

imagine still doing that 'perfect for me' career that I picked at 17 all these

years later - 10 years in it was more than enough ..

>

> You have great advice & wisdom there - it's hard sometimes to give yourself

the same credit, creativity & leeway that we all give others.

>

[Guest guest]

Yuna,

remember that they say we all have an average of 4 - 7 careers during our work

lifetime these days (not something that our parents or grandparents ever

experienced - I don't think there are many lifetime jobs anymore - unless you

are self employed).  And I understand associating your career with your self

worth (been there, done that) seems to be the norm.  I find myself having to

remind myself that they are not one and the same (it's a bit of that

perfectionist in me -- I could do the job better or just be more perfect if I

just worked a little bit longer or harder and next thing, I'm burning the candle

at both ends, not eating right, not exercising and not feeling good about myself

- it's kind of a vicious cycle once I get started and hard to stop the hamster

wheel!)

It's like one of the first questions anyone asks " what do you do? " , people

really don't ask " what do you enjoy, what makes you happiest, what goals have

you accomplished? " -- it's where do you work or what do you do ... it makes me

wonder if it's something particularly American or if it's generally accepted as

something everyone does in meeting a new person! 

I haven't found an answer to that other than to work on keeping a balanced life

-- I had a free coaching session three years back and the thing I remember the

most as my take away was a circle she asked us to draw and then divide the

circle into pie shapes and put down what each one meant (% for friends, for

family, for exercise, for learning/enrichment, for work, etc.) and I've actually

gone back to that pie chart probably a fifty times over the past three years --

to remind me and keep me on track as to where my balances are -- you can't

always be in balance all the time (as with your Dad's illness & passing) but you

work to keep your heart, mind & soul in balance with what feeds each of them. 

with all that you've been through - I don't see anything wrong with enjoying a

summer (taking time to nuture yourself - you're doing a great job with your

workouts!) .. .maybe making small goals for each of the summer months (updating

a resume, building a linked in profile, etc.) would be of more benefit to ease

into the job search market again.

 

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Wednesday, May 4, 2011 12:33 PM

Subject: Re: Re: In a bad place, but with a breakthrough

 

That's fantastic, Colleen. I'm so glad to hear that you are loving your work.

You know, after I posted, I got to thinking about my career, or lack thereof.

And I've realized that this is really what's eating me. This is what's

contributing so much to my weight struggle.

My sense of self-worth and self-identity was so tied up in my career that when

it fell apart, I really felt lost. Initially when I was off work in 2009, I was

happy to have time to rest and relax. And I lost weight, easily. But as the

weeks turned into months, and the months dragged on... as I sent out resumes and

didn't even get interviews, then I started struggling and my eating disorder

came back with a vengeance. I had really great work experience that few my age

would have had, and yet I couldn't even get interviews. That really took a toll

on my self-esteem. It was, and still is, hard to look at where I was and what I

could have been to where I am now because it feels like I've fallen so far.

After a year, I did find the job that I'm in now, which I really took out of

desperation. It did work out well because then my dad got sick and the

flexibility of this job allowed me to be there to look after him. But now that

he's gone, there's that part of me that says I should get back to my career

search because I'm wasting my life. Yet, the other part of me just wants to

rest and enjoy the summer because I sure as heck didn't have a good summer last

year. I can almost physically feel that struggle inside me.

I can't get over that feeling that I've failed career-wise. And when I think

about the future, I get a feeling of hopelessness. My work experience is so

highly specialized that it seems almost impossible for me to find any job except

the type I was doing before... I don't know what to do or what the future holds,

and that uncertainty is hard to cope with.

>

> Yuna,

>

> what a great story - thank you for sharing that!  I am similar in that I

thought, I too had the perfect career (education, job, etc.) - only to have

burned out from it in my mid 30's -- so back to school, new career, starting

over, I'm now in computers/technology and still in love with it.  I can't

imagine still doing that 'perfect for me' career that I picked at 17 all these

years later - 10 years in it was more than enough ..

>

> You have great advice & wisdom there - it's hard sometimes to give yourself

the same credit, creativity & leeway that we all give others.

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Colleen. I will try to remember this and work on doing small things.

Like you said, though, it's hard to give ourselves the same leeway and support

we give others. I get anxious thinking about it, because I feel like I'm

missing all these opportunities and the older I get, the harder it will be.

Limiting beliefs and mindset, I know. Tough to change around. Maybe this

week's podcast on limiting beliefs will help.

Hugs,

Yuna

>

> Yuna,

>

> remember that they say we all have an average of 4 - 7 careers during our work

lifetime these days (not something that our parents or grandparents ever

experienced - I don't think there are many lifetime jobs anymore - unless you

are self employed).  And I understand associating your career with your self

worth (been there, done that) seems to be the norm.  I find myself having to

remind myself that they are not one and the same (it's a bit of that

perfectionist in me -- I could do the job better or just be more perfect if I

just worked a little bit longer or harder and next thing, I'm burning the candle

at both ends, not eating right, not exercising and not feeling good about myself

- it's kind of a vicious cycle once I get started and hard to stop the hamster

wheel!)

>

> It's like one of the first questions anyone asks " what do you do? " , people

really don't ask " what do you enjoy, what makes you happiest, what goals have

you accomplished? " -- it's where do you work or what do you do ... it makes me

wonder if it's something particularly American or if it's generally accepted as

something everyone does in meeting a new person! 

>

> I haven't found an answer to that other than to work on keeping a balanced

life -- I had a free coaching session three years back and the thing I remember

the most as my take away was a circle she asked us to draw and then divide the

circle into pie shapes and put down what each one meant (% for friends, for

family, for exercise, for learning/enrichment, for work, etc.) and I've actually

gone back to that pie chart probably a fifty times over the past three years --

to remind me and keep me on track as to where my balances are -- you can't

always be in balance all the time (as with your Dad's illness & passing) but you

work to keep your heart, mind & soul in balance with what feeds each of them. 

>

> with all that you've been through - I don't see anything wrong with enjoying a

summer (taking time to nuture yourself - you're doing a great job with your

workouts!) .. .maybe making small goals for each of the summer months (updating

a resume, building a linked in profile, etc.) would be of more benefit to ease

into the job search market again.

>

>

[Guest guest]

still around.. not reading too many of the emails. i decided that it was a

good idea to START eating at 1030PM last night... so i feel really good

about myself right now.. no, i actually feel angry and stupid. i hate the

whole weight issue... i feel overweight now and just really stupid. i guess

on a redo, i should/would have just gone to sleep. i am so angry right now.

just hate my body all the time! listened to a podcast yesterday even...

so, i guess the DIF is changing.

trying to be positive, but really wanting to rant and rave all day. i plan

to sleep it off.

woe is me still.

thanks,

Avie

>

>

> Thanks, Colleen. I will try to remember this and work on doing small

> things. Like you said, though, it's hard to give ourselves the same leeway

> and support we give others. I get anxious thinking about it, because I feel

> like I'm missing all these opportunities and the older I get, the harder it

> will be. Limiting beliefs and mindset, I know. Tough to change around. Maybe

> this week's podcast on limiting beliefs will help.

>

> Hugs,

> Yuna

>

>

>

> >

> > Yuna,

> >

> > remember that they say we all have an average of 4 - 7 careers during our

> work lifetime these days (not something that our parents or grandparents

> ever experienced - I don't think there are many lifetime jobs anymore -

> unless you are self employed). And I understand associating your career

> with your self worth (been there, done that) seems to be the norm. I find

> myself having to remind myself that they are not one and the same (it's a

> bit of that perfectionist in me -- I could do the job better or just be more

> perfect if I just worked a little bit longer or harder and next thing, I'm

> burning the candle at both ends, not eating right, not exercising and not

> feeling good about myself - it's kind of a vicious cycle once I get started

> and hard to stop the hamster wheel!)

> >

> > It's like one of the first questions anyone asks " what do you do? " ,

> people really don't ask " what do you enjoy, what makes you happiest, what

> goals have you accomplished? " -- it's where do you work or what do you do

> ... it makes me wonder if it's something particularly American or if it's

> generally accepted as something everyone does in meeting a new person!Â

> >

> > I haven't found an answer to that other than to work on keeping a

> balanced life -- I had a free coaching session three years back and the

> thing I remember the most as my take away was a circle she asked us to draw

> and then divide the circle into pie shapes and put down what each one meant

> (% for friends, for family, for exercise, for learning/enrichment, for work,

> etc.) and I've actually gone back to that pie chart probably a fifty times

> over the past three years -- to remind me and keep me on track as to where

> my balances are -- you can't always be in balance all the time (as with your

> Dad's illness & passing) but you work to keep your heart, mind & soul in

> balance with what feeds each of them.Â

>

> >

> > with all that you've been through - I don't see anything wrong with

> enjoying a summer (taking time to nuture yourself - you're doing a great job

> with your workouts!) .. .maybe making small goals for each of the summer

> months (updating a resume, building a linked in profile, etc.) would be of

> more benefit to ease into the job search market again.

> >

> >

>

>

>

--

Avie Linden

University of Michigan - Anthropology

Program in the Environment, History of Art

[Guest guest]

I know the feeling and the downward spiral that those feelings can lead to. But

even just one self-honouring act, no matter how small, can be enough to pull you

put of that spiral.

I listened to some of 's podcasts yesterday. I don't remember which ones,

because I had the player on shuffle. In one of the podcasts, she talked about

feeling appreciation for what our bodies do without our even being aware of it -

like fighting off viruses and other microbial invaders, breathing, digesting,

etc.

It's easy to be angry at our bodies for not looking or feeling the way we want.

But when I think about this, it's not my body that's the problem. It's just

doing the best it can with what I give it. If there is a problem (assuming that

we accept the mind/body duality), the problem is ME. My body is just a

convenient target for unhappiness with some aspect of my deeper self. When I do

feel body anger, underneath is usually a deeper feeling of disappointment with

myself, for not eating right, for not exercising enough, or whatever.

I'm not suggesting that you should be angry at yourself either, because anger is

a very unproductive emotion. What I am suggesting is that instead of being

angry at your body, try to truly appreciate how it functions, despite what you

nourish it, and how it's doing its best to keep your alive and healthy.

With love,

Yuna

>

> still around.. not reading too many of the emails. i decided that it was a

> good idea to START eating at 1030PM last night... so i feel really good

> about myself right now.. no, i actually feel angry and stupid. i hate the

> whole weight issue... i feel overweight now and just really stupid. i guess

> on a redo, i should/would have just gone to sleep. i am so angry right now.

> just hate my body all the time! listened to a podcast yesterday even...

> so, i guess the DIF is changing.

>

> trying to be positive, but really wanting to rant and rave all day. i plan

> to sleep it off.

>

> woe is me still.

> thanks,

> Avie

[Guest guest]

Avie,

Or possibly just not let your life today be about weight and body issues.  Do

something else you love.  I know that you have done a lot of volunteer work and

art work around your city.  Maybe today you could go visit one of the sites and

then begin a new project or work on a graphic for a new project or finish some

project you started, loved but got sidetracked from.

You are not your weight.  Your life is not about eating too much.  You are an

intelligent compassionate woman.  Go and do.

Hugs,

Jen

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Thu, May 5, 2011 8:10:50 AM

Subject: Re: In a bad place, but with a breakthrough

 

I know the feeling and the downward spiral that those feelings can lead to. But

even just one self-honouring act, no matter how small, can be enough to pull you

put of that spiral.

I listened to some of 's podcasts yesterday. I don't remember which ones,

because I had the player on shuffle. In one of the podcasts, she talked about

feeling appreciation for what our bodies do without our even being aware of it -

like fighting off viruses and other microbial invaders, breathing, digesting,

etc.

It's easy to be angry at our bodies for not looking or feeling the way we want.

But when I think about this, it's not my body that's the problem. It's just

doing the best it can with what I give it. If there is a problem (assuming that

we accept the mind/body duality), the problem is ME. My body is just a

convenient target for unhappiness with some aspect of my deeper self. When I do

feel body anger, underneath is usually a deeper feeling of disappointment with

myself, for not eating right, for not exercising enough, or whatever.

I'm not suggesting that you should be angry at yourself either, because anger is

a very unproductive emotion. What I am suggesting is that instead of being angry

at your body, try to truly appreciate how it functions, despite what you nourish

it, and how it's doing its best to keep your alive and healthy.

With love,

Yuna

>

> still around.. not reading too many of the emails. i decided that it was a

> good idea to START eating at 1030PM last night... so i feel really good

> about myself right now.. no, i actually feel angry and stupid. i hate the

> whole weight issue... i feel overweight now and just really stupid. i guess

> on a redo, i should/would have just gone to sleep. i am so angry right now.

> just hate my body all the time! listened to a podcast yesterday even...

> so, i guess the DIF is changing.

>

> trying to be positive, but really wanting to rant and rave all day. i plan

> to sleep it off.

>

> woe is me still.

> thanks,

> Avie

[Guest guest]

thanks, jen

On Thu, May 5, 2011 at 11:20 AM, Livingston

wrote:

>

>

> Avie,

>

> Or possibly just not let your life today be about weight and body issues.

> Do

> something else you love. I know that you have done a lot of volunteer work

> and

> art work around your city. Maybe today you could go visit one of the sites

> and

> then begin a new project or work on a graphic for a new project or finish

> some

> project you started, loved but got sidetracked from.

>

> You are not your weight. Your life is not about eating too much. You are

> an

> intelligent compassionate woman. Go and do.

>

> Hugs,

> Jen

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: insideoutweightloss

> Sent: Thu, May 5, 2011 8:10:50 AM

> Subject: Re: In a bad place, but with a breakthrough

>

>

>

> I know the feeling and the downward spiral that those feelings can lead to.

> But

> even just one self-honouring act, no matter how small, can be enough to

> pull you

> put of that spiral.

>

> I listened to some of 's podcasts yesterday. I don't remember which

> ones,

> because I had the player on shuffle. In one of the podcasts, she talked

> about

> feeling appreciation for what our bodies do without our even being aware of

> it -

> like fighting off viruses and other microbial invaders, breathing,

> digesting,

> etc.

>

> It's easy to be angry at our bodies for not looking or feeling the way we

> want.

> But when I think about this, it's not my body that's the problem. It's just

>

> doing the best it can with what I give it. If there is a problem (assuming

> that

> we accept the mind/body duality), the problem is ME. My body is just a

> convenient target for unhappiness with some aspect of my deeper self. When

> I do

> feel body anger, underneath is usually a deeper feeling of disappointment

> with

> myself, for not eating right, for not exercising enough, or whatever.

>

> I'm not suggesting that you should be angry at yourself either, because

> anger is

> a very unproductive emotion. What I am suggesting is that instead of being

> angry

> at your body, try to truly appreciate how it functions, despite what you

> nourish

> it, and how it's doing its best to keep your alive and healthy.

>

> With love,

> Yuna

>

>

> >

> > still around.. not reading too many of the emails. i decided that it was

> a

> > good idea to START eating at 1030PM last night... so i feel really good

> > about myself right now.. no, i actually feel angry and stupid. i hate the

> > whole weight issue... i feel overweight now and just really stupid. i

> guess

> > on a redo, i should/would have just gone to sleep. i am so angry right

> now.

> > just hate my body all the time! listened to a podcast yesterday

> even...

> > so, i guess the DIF is changing.

> >

> > trying to be positive, but really wanting to rant and rave all day. i

> plan

> > to sleep it off.

> >

> > woe is me still.

> > thanks,

> > Avie

>

>