Re: Change...kind of long (sorry)

[Guest guest]

Tania,

This is one of those posts where I feel like I want to wait to reply until I

have time to do it justice--but I know I won't have time in the near future. So

better a little now, then not getting around to it.

First of all, you, me, all of us should remember that when we feel that   " sorry

for those of you who are sick of the same slant from me " , it's a sign that we

really, really, really need to click send. So thanks for being brave enough to

post, even when you didn't want to.

Secondly--you're touching on certain parenting issues I'm facing. Not with my

own kids, but with a girl who stays with us once a month. It's kind of like

being foster aunt and uncle--or like being the non-custodial parents when

neither of us are the biological parent.... I'm finally facing the fact that I

need to plan better for her visits. I'll come back to that issue when I have

more time, but I just wanted to let you know I recognize that feeling of being

completely drained. (With my own girls, who are 16 now, I still feel energy

flowing out to them, but I feel it coming back to me, most of the time....)

Third--when my girls were really little, I HATED to go to the park. It hit all

my Bad Mommy triggers, but what could I do? Try as I might, I'm not outdoorsy.

So--that was my husband's job. He actually enjoyed it, can you imagine?? LOL!

Do you think you could hire a babysitter or mother's helper--some young teen who

does actually just adore playing with babies who could do the stuff you don't

enjoy as much? Or can you think of any other way to give yourself enough of a

break that you can face the stuff you don't enjoy as much?

I don't think you have to change. You don't have to force yourself to like what

you don't like. But one of the reasons I feel like I get energy back when I'm

dealing with my girls--even when it's something I like less or feel like I don't

have time for--is I sort of set an intention to remind myself that I'm doing it

because my family is important to me (or whatever feels like the right mantra of

the moment). So it turns something draining into something renewing.

I still haven't figured out how to do that in the other situation, but just

responding to your message already has the wheels turning.

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Wed, April 27, 2011 2:07:25 AM

Subject: Change...kind of long (sorry)

 

Recently, I posted a question regarding changing beliefs that are actually core

beliefs (as opposed to limiting beliefs). It occured to me today that these

actually comprise your self-concept. In googling this topic, little helpful

information resulted. However, looking at myself and over the span of my years,

there has never been a positive self-concept. While in reality, it is just me

being overly critical. I am a mother of three under five. Am I a good mother? I

guess so, but I don't think I am the best mother. I am disconnected. Playing

with the kids isn't something of which I readily or happily partake. Hand me a

book and I can read to them all day. Let them react to some tidbit of science

that I have spouted off and we are up and running, but this doesn't fulfill the

need that they have to play and be close to me. As a result, I eat. I feel like

I am cheating myself and my kids and the best way to deal with it is to swallow

it. The thing is, like Eldred, I don't know if I WANT to change. I feel like I

want to go back to who I was many years ago, but that took discipline and time

that I no longer have. There are SOOOOO many things that I need to change that I

just would rather hide than face them. This is not a new rant from me from this

group. I guess I just don't know how to get the answers I need. Sorry to those

of you that are sick of the same slant from me. I appreciate you let me write

through this.

T

[Guest guest]

,

Thanks so much for your response. I love the idea of setting the intention for

play time. I find that I don't set my intention for anything (even things I am

supposed to). Intention seems to always some as an afterthought. As for your

visits, planning activities really helps. I find that when I plan for the kids

(even if we don't do most of it), they (and I) are happier.

After sending that post last night, I ended up playing with the kids and we all

had a great time. Their dad is out of town this week, so I thought I would give

his job a shot. I found it to be very relaxing. After bedtime, I got to work

and had three hours of productive work time. It felt so good to go to bed after

finishing something instead of having to stop. I love the help idea. I used to

have one, but it isn't in the cards these days. I really appreciate your

listening and your input. I am not setting me intention for today: I intend to

be a playful, productive, naturally slender, happy mama today because my family

and I deserve it.

Have a great day!

T

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Change...kind of long (sorry)

 

Recently, I posted a question regarding changing beliefs that are actually core

beliefs (as opposed to limiting beliefs). It occured to me today that these

actually comprise your self-concept. In googling this topic, little helpful

information resulted. However, looking at myself and over the span of my years,

there has never been a positive self-concept. While in reality, it is just me

being overly critical. I am a mother of three under five. Am I a good mother? I

guess so, but I don't think I am the best mother. I am disconnected. Playing

with the kids isn't something of which I readily or happily partake. Hand me a

book and I can read to them all day. Let them react to some tidbit of science

that I have spouted off and we are up and running, but this doesn't fulfill the

need that they have to play and be close to me. As a result, I eat. I feel like

I am cheating myself and my kids and the best way to deal with it is to swallow

it. The thing is, like Eldred, I don't know if I WANT to change. I feel like I

want to go back to who I was many years ago, but that took discipline and time

that I no longer have. There are SOOOOO many things that I need to change that I

just would rather hide than face them. This is not a new rant from me from this

group. I guess I just don't know how to get the answers I need. Sorry to those

of you that are sick of the same slant from me. I appreciate you let me write

through this.

T

[Guest guest]

I had a hard time thinking of how to reply to this as I have felt this way

myself so after thinking about it quite a bit - I just wanted to add that not

all parents are 'good' parents in terms of knowing how to instill positiveness,

confidence and teaching beliefs to their children. It doesn't mean that they

are bad parents - it just means that they weren't taught or didn't know how to

express or share that. I come from those kinds of parents (both single children

themselves - both from more or less dysfunctional kind of families) - they did

the best that they knew how. As I grew up, I experienced the world with their

'filters' installed in me - I found that many did not work well for me (I had a

very harsh inner critic & voice, thanks to their lessons) so it took a lot of

reading, learning, finding mentors to more or less re-train my inner voices &

critic. It's one of the things I really like about 's methods - you talk

to & train your inner critic and voices in many ways!

I know few people who came out of childhood with all the tools they needed (or

felt they needed) - it's always up to us to figure out what else we need and

find / peruse it -- I think that's one of the reasons that we're here in the

group - we know something isn't right or that something is missing or that there

has to be a better way - and we are seeking that in our questions and in our

responses to everyone's discussions.

Given that you don't always have good role models or examples to draw from when

you are experiencing new to you things (having children, raising them, being

there for them in many different ways, shaping & molding them for example), you

have to find those models (again, books, videos, friends, family, mentors) that

work for you (make you comfortable, make you stretch sometimes too). Everyone

is unique in that respect and I found many of the resources that I used with my

children came from various experiences (cub scouts, soccer groups, school

volunteer, etc.) where I saw children & adults interacting in different ways - I

drew much from watching the children respond and emulated those. I actually do

very similar things now with both my exercise & weight loss - finding 'healthy'

people at the gym and asking them questions about how they eat, watching what

they do, researching on the internet about nutrition (that's how I found

in the first place!) ... I've learned more from reading & questions than I ever

did just going to weight watchers or following one diet plan. I'm definitely an

explorer when it comes to life's experiences.

>

> Recently, I posted a question regarding changing beliefs that are actually

core beliefs (as opposed to limiting beliefs). It occured to me today that

these actually comprise your self-concept. In googling this topic, little

helpful information resulted. However, looking at myself and over the span of

my years, there has never been a positive self-concept. While in reality, it is

just me being overly critical. I am a mother of three under five. Am I a good

mother? I guess so, but I don't think I am the best mother. I am disconnected.

P

[Guest guest]

I hear ypu, Colleen. We are programmed with programs insufficient for us, thus

we seek reprogramming help. The question is: how do we raise our kids not to

fall into the same trap? How do we raise well-adjusted kids that needn't rely

on outside sources (except God and themselves) for affirmation or that hold

themselves in high enough regard that they don't fall prey to their own

emotions? Thanks for bringing this point up.

T

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Re: Change...kind of long (sorry)

I had a hard time thinking of how to reply to this as I have felt this way

myself so after thinking about it quite a bit - I just wanted to add that not

all parents are 'good' parents in terms of knowing how to instill positiveness,

confidence and teaching beliefs to their children. It doesn't mean that they

are bad parents - it just means that they weren't taught or didn't know how to

express or share that. I come from those kinds of parents (both single children

themselves - both from more or less dysfunctional kind of families) - they did

the best that they knew how. As I grew up, I experienced the world with their

'filters' installed in me - I found that many did not work well for me (I had a

very harsh inner critic & voice, thanks to their lessons) so it took a lot of

reading, learning, finding mentors to more or less re-train my inner voices &

critic. It's one of the things I really like about 's methods - you talk

to & train your inner critic and voices in many ways!

I know few people who came out of childhood with all the tools they needed (or

felt they needed) - it's always up to us to figure out what else we need and

find / peruse it -- I think that's one of the reasons that we're here in the

group - we know something isn't right or that something is missing or that there

has to be a better way - and we are seeking that in our questions and in our

responses to everyone's discussions.

Given that you don't always have good role models or examples to draw from when

you are experiencing new to you things (having children, raising them, being

there for them in many different ways, shaping & molding them for example), you

have to find those models (again, books, videos, friends, family, mentors) that

work for you (make you comfortable, make you stretch sometimes too). Everyone

is unique in that respect and I found many of the resources that I used with my

children came from various experiences (cub scouts, soccer groups, school

volunteer, etc.) where I saw children & adults interacting in different ways - I

drew much from watching the children respond and emulated those. I actually do

very similar things now with both my exercise & weight loss - finding 'healthy'

people at the gym and asking them questions about how they eat, watching what

they do, researching on the internet about nutrition (that's how I found

in the first place!) ... I've learned more from reading & questions than I ever

did just going to weight watchers or following one diet plan. I'm definitely an

explorer when it comes to life's experiences.

>

> Recently, I posted a question regarding changing beliefs that are actually

core beliefs (as opposed to limiting beliefs). It occured to me today that

these actually comprise your self-concept. In googling this topic, little

helpful information resulted. However, looking at myself and over the span of

my years, there has never been a positive self-concept. While in reality, it is

just me being overly critical. I am a mother of three under five. Am I a good

mother? I guess so, but I don't think I am the best mother. I am disconnected.

P

[Guest guest]

Thanks so much, Colleen.

 

And thanks for your recent posts, where you take the time to look up other

articles and resources for us!! Much appreciated....

 

>To: insideoutweightloss

>Sent: Wednesday, April 27, 2011 8:47 PM

>Subject: Re: Change...kind of long (sorry)

>

>

> 

>I had a hard time thinking of how to reply to this as I have felt this way

myself so after thinking about it quite a bit - I just wanted to add that not

all parents are 'good' parents in terms of knowing how to instill positiveness,

confidence and teaching beliefs to their children. It doesn't mean that they are

bad parents - it just means that they weren't taught or didn't know how to

express or share that. I come from those kinds of parents (both single children

themselves - both from more or less dysfunctional kind of families) - they did

the best that they knew how. As I grew up, I experienced the world with their

'filters' installed in me - I found that many did not work well for me (I had a

very harsh inner critic & voice, thanks to their lessons) so it took a lot of

reading, learning, finding mentors to more or less re-train my inner voices &

critic. It's one of the things I really like about 's methods - you talk to

& train your inner

critic and voices in many ways!

>

>I know few people who came out of childhood with all the tools they needed (or

felt they needed) - it's always up to us to figure out what else we need and

find / peruse it -- I think that's one of the reasons that we're here in the

group - we know something isn't right or that something is missing or that there

has to be a better way - and we are seeking that in our questions and in our

responses to everyone's discussions.

>

>Given that you don't always have good role models or examples to draw from when

you are experiencing new to you things (having children, raising them, being

there for them in many different ways, shaping & molding them for example), you

have to find those models (again, books, videos, friends, family, mentors) that

work for you (make you comfortable, make you stretch sometimes too). Everyone is

unique in that respect and I found many of the resources that I used with my

children came from various experiences (cub scouts, soccer groups, school

volunteer, etc.) where I saw children & adults interacting in different ways - I

drew much from watching the children respond and emulated those. I actually do

very similar things now with both my exercise & weight loss - finding 'healthy'

people at the gym and asking them questions about how they eat, watching what

they do, researching on the internet about nutrition (that's how I found

in the first place!)

... I've learned more from reading & questions than I ever did just going to

weight watchers or following one diet plan. I'm definitely an explorer when it

comes to life's experiences.

>

>

>>

>> Recently, I posted a question regarding changing beliefs that are actually

core beliefs (as opposed to limiting beliefs). It occured to me today that these

actually comprise your self-concept. In googling this topic, little helpful

information resulted. However, looking at myself and over the span of my years,

there has never been a positive self-concept. While in reality, it is just me

being overly critical. I am a mother of three under five. Am I a good mother? I

guess so, but I don't think I am the best mother. I am disconnected. P

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Tania,

I feel very similar to you when I deal with the children who are in my life. I

don't have my own children, but I have baby-sat occasionally and I have a young

niece and nephew.

When I was growing up, I was the youngest in the house by a lot. My sister and

brother were quite a bit older than me, so it was like having another set of

parents in the house. My own parents never played with me. I was always

expected to play by myself. Whenever my siblings did play with me, I was made

to feel that I " owed " them for it (hmm, maybe this is why I hate the word

" grateful " ).

Anyway, because of my experiences as a child, I know what it's like to feel

ignored, unimportant, and even unloved. So, when I interact with a young child,

I make sure to pay attention to whatever he/she says, even if it drives me

crazy. While to us, a particular toy or children's show is unimportant, to that

child, it's the world. I never want a child to have to feel the way that I do.

So, when my niece wants to play with a beach ball (which she can do for hours!),

I'll play with her. I may be bored out of my skull, but when I see her smiling

and happy, and when I know that she won't feel the way that I did, that makes it

all worthwhile.

I know it's not the same as your situation, because you have your children every

day with you. I see my niece and nephew infrequently. I don't know how/if I

would be able to maintain that same attitude and perspective every day.

What you wrote reminded me of a passage from a book written by Thich Nhat Hanh

that you may find helpful. He's a well-known Buddhist philosopher and I own

several of his books. Here is the passage:

said " I've discovered a way to have a lot more time. In the past, I used

to look at my time as if it were divided into several parts. One part I

reserved for [son], another part was for Sue [wife], another part to help

with Ana [infant daughter], another part for household work. The time leftover

I considered my own. I could read, write, do research, go for walks.

" But now, I try not to divide time into parts anymore. I consider my time with

and Sue as my own time. When I help with his homework, I try to find

ways of seeing his time as my own time. I go through his lesson with him,

sharing his presence and finding ways to be interested in what we do during that

time. The time for him becomes my own time. The same with Sue. The remarkable

thing is that now I have unlimited time for myself! "

I hope that you will find the balance that you are searching for.

With love,

Yuna

>

> Recently, I posted a question regarding changing beliefs that are actually

core beliefs (as opposed to limiting beliefs). It occured to me today that

these actually comprise your self-concept. In googling this topic, little

helpful information resulted. However, looking at myself and over the span of

my years, there has never been a positive self-concept. While in reality, it is

just me being overly critical. I am a mother of three under five. Am I a good

mother? I guess so, but I don't think I am the best mother. I am disconnected.

Playing with the kids isn't something of which I readily or happily partake.

Hand me a book and I can read to them all day. Let them react to some tidbit of

science that I have spouted off and we are up and running, but this doesn't

fulfill the need that they have to play and be close to me. As a result, I eat.

I feel like I am cheating myself and my kids and the best way to deal with it is

to swallow it. The thing is, like Eldred, I don't know if I WANT to change. I

feel like I want to go back to who I was many years ago, but that took

discipline and time that I no longer have. There are SOOOOO many things that I

need to change that I just would rather hide than face them. This is not a new

rant from me from this group. I guess I just don't know how to get the answers

I need. Sorry to those of you that are sick of the same slant from me. I

appreciate you let me write through this.

>

> T

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you, Yuna, for pointing out how you felt when they played with you. I

want to make sure to avoid language that makes my children feel indebted

because of our special time. Also, your explanation of playing even when you

don't feel like just to make sure she's happy was on point. We have to. It's

about raising happy, self-assured children. Thanks for the reminders:)

T

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Re: Change...kind of long (sorry)

Hi Tania,

I feel very similar to you when I deal with the children who are in my life. I

don't have my own children, but I have baby-sat occasionally and I have a young

niece and nephew.

When I was growing up, I was the youngest in the house by a lot. My sister and

brother were quite a bit older than me, so it was like having another set of

parents in the house. My own parents never played with me. I was always

expected to play by myself. Whenever my siblings did play with me, I was made

to feel that I " owed " them for it (hmm, maybe this is why I hate the word

" grateful " ).

Anyway, because of my experiences as a child, I know what it's like to feel

ignored, unimportant, and even unloved. So, when I interact with a young child,

I make sure to pay attention to whatever he/she says, even if it drives me

crazy. While to us, a particular toy or children's show is unimportant, to that

child, it's the world. I never want a child to have to feel the way that I do.

So, when my niece wants to play with a beach ball (which she can do for hours!),

I'll play with her. I may be bored out of my skull, but when I see her smiling

and happy, and when I know that she won't feel the way that I did, that makes it

all worthwhile.

I know it's not the same as your situation, because you have your children every

day with you. I see my niece and nephew infrequently. I don't know how/if I

would be able to maintain that same attitude and perspective every day.

What you wrote reminded me of a passage from a book written by Thich Nhat Hanh

that you may find helpful. He's a well-known Buddhist philosopher and I own

several of his books. Here is the passage:

said " I've discovered a way to have a lot more time. In the past, I used

to look at my time as if it were divided into several parts. One part I

reserved for [son], another part was for Sue [wife], another part to help

with Ana [infant daughter], another part for household work. The time leftover

I considered my own. I could read, write, do research, go for walks.

" But now, I try not to divide time into parts anymore. I consider my time with

and Sue as my own time. When I help with his homework, I try to find

ways of seeing his time as my own time. I go through his lesson with him,

sharing his presence and finding ways to be interested in what we do during that

time. The time for him becomes my own time. The same with Sue. The remarkable

thing is that now I have unlimited time for myself! "

I hope that you will find the balance that you are searching for.

With love,

Yuna

>

> Recently, I posted a question regarding changing beliefs that are actually

core beliefs (as opposed to limiting beliefs). It occured to me today that

these actually comprise your self-concept. In googling this topic, little

helpful information resulted. However, looking at myself and over the span of

my years, there has never been a positive self-concept. While in reality, it is

just me being overly critical. I am a mother of three under five. Am I a good

mother? I guess so, but I don't think I am the best mother. I am disconnected.

Playing with the kids isn't something of which I readily or happily partake.

Hand me a book and I can read to them all day. Let them react to some tidbit of

science that I have spouted off and we are up and running, but this doesn't

fulfill the need that they have to play and be close to me. As a result, I eat.

I feel like I am cheating myself and my kids and the best way to deal with it is

to swallow it. The thing is, like Eldred, I don't know if I WANT to change. I

feel like I want to go back to who I was many years ago, but that took

discipline and time that I no longer have. There are SOOOOO many things that I

need to change that I just would rather hide than face them. This is not a new

rant from me from this group. I guess I just don't know how to get the answers

I need. Sorry to those of you that are sick of the same slant from me. I

appreciate you let me write through this.

>

> T

>

[Guest guest]

As far as motherhood........ I think most women are ubber critical about

themselves about this.  My children are in the young adolescent and young adult

stage so I give this advice to all of you that have small children.

Love them Love them Love them . Play with them, talk to them, hug them and teach

them to take care of them selves, tell them in words why they are wonderful and

uniquie as often as you can. Show them that you are flawed but you are always

working on being the best person you can be. Things are not love and can not

give love or fulfill us and neither can food.  Love is not the absence of

disipline and disipline is not crule  but sometimes it may seem painful. I

trully belive that each of my children was placed in my life because I am the

best possiable person to be their parent and so is there father. Although I 

struggle with guilt about buy myself new things and taking time to excersise and

do things to restore me I am not gulity of feeling guilty about my parenting. I

know I have never done things perfectly. Parenting is not a mathmatical science

it is a creative  art  process . Because of these thoughts I have been able

to forgive my mother who

had a very critcal outward voice and my father who was physically and

emotionally violent. They were doing the best they could and so I forgive them

for not being perfect.  I am also discovering GUILT is such a waste of time

and energy.

Hugs and Positive thoughts Constance

 

 

 

> Recently, I posted a question regarding changing beliefs that are actually

core beliefs (as opposed to limiting beliefs). It occured to me today that these

actually comprise your self-concept. In googling this topic, little helpful

information resulted. However, looking at myself and over the span of my years,

there has never been a positive self-concept. While in reality, it is just me

being overly critical. I am a mother of three under five. Am I a good mother? I

guess so, but I don't think I am the best mother. I am disconnected. P

[Guest guest]

Hi Tonya,

 

I have been thinking about your post a lot the last few days and I realised that

I never liked playing with my kids when they were small. Don't get me wrong...I

adored them but didn't like PLAYING with them. I loved reading to them and we

spent hours cuddled up reading books, I loved helping them put together an

occasional puzzle, and we had fun watching animated films and going for long

walks and cooking together or looking at baby pictures in albums and singing

songs. I just did things with them that we could all three find interest

in. At around 3 I started arranging a lot of play dates for them. When they

were in elementary school, they could choose a playmate to come home with them

on Friday. We would go to a local park that had a tennis court right in the

middle and a beautiful safe play area right next to it. While they had their

picnic and played, I would play tennis and we both went home happy. 

 

My parents worked 18 hour days in their own business and had little time for me

and my brother but I never ever doubted that they loved me unconditionally.

What I'm trying to say is, you don't necessarily have to PLAY with your

children to show them that you love them. 

 

My children are 28 and 25. They seem to me to be well adjusted adults. They

are in loving, respectful relationships. Their best friends are their elementary

school friends but they have a good circle of friends around them, they

have both done post graduate studies and have good jobs...and are normal around

food :-)  It was mentioned (sorry I don't remember who wrote it and I can't see

it right now) that reading, and looking up information and just watching

different people parenting can also help you decide what you want to

incorporate into your families' lives. Also, I did parent councelling for a

year and that helped me tremendously.

 

What pops into my mind as very important is respect. Show respect towards your

child no matter what age, respect his opinions and at the same time, demand the

same respect towards you. The other thing that I've always said is that I'm not

my children's friend, I'm their parent. A very loving and open parent but I

think that it's hard to discipline a friend... Finally, as your kids get older,

when they want to talk, DROP EVERYTHING and sit down and chat.Listen to

them! Lots of lots of humor should be included.

 

By the way, my kids and I still love cooking together and hatting and my

daughter and I have a passion for shopping and enjoying coffee together and

walking and watching silly shows on TV and playing scrabble. :-)

 

Thanks for sharing with us Tonya..

 

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Wednesday, April 27, 2011 2:07 AM

Subject: Change...kind of long (sorry)

 

Recently, I posted a question regarding changing beliefs that are actually core

beliefs (as opposed to limiting beliefs). It occured to me today that these

actually comprise your self-concept. In googling this topic, little helpful

information resulted. However, looking at myself and over the span of my years,

there has never been a positive self-concept. While in reality, it is just me

being overly critical. I am a mother of three under five. Am I a good mother? I

guess so, but I don't think I am the best mother. I am disconnected. Playing

with the kids isn't something of which I readily or happily partake. Hand me a

book and I can read to them all day. Let them react to some tidbit of science

that I have spouted off and we are up and running, but this doesn't fulfill the

need that they have to play and be close to me. As a result, I eat. I feel like

I am cheating myself and my kids and the best way to deal with it is to swallow

it. The thing is, like

Eldred, I don't know if I WANT to change. I feel like I want to go back to who

I was many years ago, but that took discipline and time that I no longer have.

There are SOOOOO many things that I need to change that I just would rather hide

than face them. This is not a new rant from me from this group. I guess I just

don't know how to get the answers I need. Sorry to those of you that are sick of

the same slant from me. I appreciate you let me write through this.

T

[Guest guest]

Thank you, Constance for your affirmation. I appreciated it as it resonated

with me:)

T

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Re: Re: Change...kind of long (sorry)

As far as motherhood........ I think most women are ubber critical about

themselves about this.  My children are in the young adolescent and young adult

stage so I give this advice to all of you that have small children.

Love them Love them Love them . Play with them, talk to them, hug them and teach

them to take care of them selves, tell them in words why they are wonderful and

uniquie as often as you can. Show them that you are flawed but you are always

working on being the best person you can be. Things are not love and can not

give love or fulfill us and neither can food.  Love is not the absence of

disipline and disipline is not crule  but sometimes it may seem painful. I

trully belive that each of my children was placed in my life because I am the

best possiable person to be their parent and so is there father. Although I 

struggle with guilt about buy myself new things and taking time to excersise and

do things to restore me I am not gulity of feeling guilty about my parenting. I

know I have never done things perfectly. Parenting is not a mathmatical science

it is a creative  art  process . Because of these thoughts I have been able

to forgive my mother who

had a very critcal outward voice and my father who was physically and

emotionally violent. They were doing the best they could and so I forgive them

for not being perfect.  I am also discovering GUILT is such a waste of time

and energy.

Hugs and Positive thoughts Constance

 

 

 

> Recently, I posted a question regarding changing beliefs that are actually

core beliefs (as opposed to limiting beliefs). It occured to me today that these

actually comprise your self-concept. In googling this topic, little helpful

information resulted. However, looking at myself and over the span of my years,

there has never been a positive self-concept. While in reality, it is just me

being overly critical. I am a mother of three under five. Am I a good mother? I

guess so, but I don't think I am the best mother. I am disconnected. P

[Guest guest]

So what you were saying is that you didn't just play the role of lovey dovey

sicky sweet mother because others said that is what a " Good Mother " is like.

You made authentic connections with your children and spent time with them and

in there presence. You allowed them to be themselves and in return you showed

them that you were a human being as well.  That is NOW PRESENCE EV you are

amazing. I am still working on this. 

 Hugs and Positive Thoughts from Constance in Mi

 

Subject: Re: Change...kind of long (sorry)

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Date: Monday, May 2, 2011, 1:16 PM

 

Hi Tonya,

 

I have been thinking about your post a lot the last few days and I realised that

I never liked playing with my kids when they were small. Don't get me wrong...I

adored them but didn't like PLAYING with them. I loved reading to them and we

spent hours cuddled up reading books, I loved helping them put together an

occasional puzzle, and we had fun watching animated films and going for long

walks and cooking together or looking at baby pictures in albums and singing

songs. I just did things with them that we could all three find interest

in. At around 3 I started arranging a lot of play dates for them. When they

were in elementary school, they could choose a playmate to come home with them

on Friday. We would go to a local park that had a tennis court right in the

middle and a beautiful safe play area right next to it. While they had their

picnic and played, I would play tennis and we both went home happy. 

 

My parents worked 18 hour days in their own business and had little time for me

and my brother but I never ever doubted that they loved me unconditionally.

What I'm trying to say is, you don't necessarily have to PLAY with your

children to show them that you love them. 

 

My children are 28 and 25. They seem to me to be well adjusted adults. They

are in loving, respectful relationships. Their best friends are their elementary

school friends but they have a good circle of friends around them, they

have both done post graduate studies and have good jobs...and are normal around

food :-)  It was mentioned (sorry I don't remember who wrote it and I can't see

it right now) that reading, and looking up information and just watching

different people parenting can also help you decide what you want to

incorporate into your families' lives. Also, I did parent councelling for a

year and that helped me tremendously.

 

What pops into my mind as very important is respect. Show respect towards your

child no matter what age, respect his opinions and at the same time, demand the

same respect towards you. The other thing that I've always said is that I'm not

my children's friend, I'm their parent. A very loving and open parent but I

think that it's hard to discipline a friend... Finally, as your kids get older,

when they want to talk, DROP EVERYTHING and sit down and chat.Listen to

them! Lots of lots of humor should be included.

 

By the way, my kids and I still love cooking together and hatting and my

daughter and I have a passion for shopping and enjoying coffee together and

walking and watching silly shows on TV and playing scrabble. :-)

 

Thanks for sharing with us Tonya..

 

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Wednesday, April 27, 2011 2:07 AM

Subject: Change...kind of long (sorry)

 

Recently, I posted a question regarding changing beliefs that are actually core

beliefs (as opposed to limiting beliefs). It occured to me today that these

actually comprise your self-concept. In googling this topic, little helpful

information resulted. However, looking at myself and over the span of my years,

there has never been a positive self-concept. While in reality, it is just me

being overly critical. I am a mother of three under five. Am I a good mother? I

guess so, but I don't think I am the best mother. I am disconnected. Playing

with the kids isn't something of which I readily or happily partake. Hand me a

book and I can read to them all day. Let them react to some tidbit of science

that I have spouted off and we are up and running, but this doesn't fulfill the

need that they have to play and be close to me. As a result, I eat. I feel like

I am cheating myself and my kids and the best way to deal with it is to swallow

it. The thing is, like

Eldred, I don't know if I WANT to change. I feel like I want to go back to who I

was many years ago, but that took discipline and time that I no longer have.

There are SOOOOO many things that I need to change that I just would rather hide

than face them. This is not a new rant from me from this group. I guess I just

don't know how to get the answers I need. Sorry to those of you that are sick of

the same slant from me. I appreciate you let me write through this.

T

[Guest guest]

Your welcome.

Hugs and Positive thoughts from Constance in Mi

Subject: Re: Re: Change...kind of long (sorry)

To: insideoutweightloss

Date: Monday, May 2, 2011, 8:14 PM

 

Thank you, Constance for your affirmation. I appreciated it as it resonated with

me:)

T

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Re: Re: Change...kind of long (sorry)

As far as motherhood........ I think most women are ubber critical about

themselves about this.  My children are in the young adolescent and young adult

stage so I give this advice to all of you that have small children.

Love them Love them Love them . Play with them, talk to them, hug them and teach

them to take care of them selves, tell them in words why they are wonderful and

uniquie as often as you can. Show them that you are flawed but you are always

working on being the best person you can be. Things are not love and can not

give love or fulfill us and neither can food.  Love is not the absence of

disipline and disipline is not crule  but sometimes it may seem painful. I

trully belive that each of my children was placed in my life because I am the

best possiable person to be their parent and so is there father. Although I 

struggle with guilt about buy myself new things and taking time to excersise and

do things to restore me I am not gulity of feeling guilty about my parenting. I

know I have never done things perfectly. Parenting is not a mathmatical science

it is a creative  art  process . Because of these thoughts I have been able

to forgive my mother who

had a very critcal outward voice and my father who was physically and

emotionally violent. They were doing the best they could and so I forgive them

for not being perfect.  I am also discovering GUILT is such a waste of time

and energy.

Hugs and Positive thoughts Constance

 

 

 

> Recently, I posted a question regarding changing beliefs that are actually

core beliefs (as opposed to limiting beliefs). It occured to me today that these

actually comprise your self-concept. In googling this topic, little helpful

information resulted. However, looking at myself and over the span of my years,

there has never been a positive self-concept. While in reality, it is just me

being overly critical. I am a mother of three under five. Am I a good mother? I

guess so, but I don't think I am the best mother. I am disconnected. P

[Guest guest]

I think you are amazing too Constance. Sweetie I don't want to come off as Miss

Perfect! I've made lots of bad calls, got into countless arguments (yelling

matches:-) with my daughter and sat in my room crying many times because my kids

were just plain self centered and mean spirited. But we got through the teens

years and they are amazing adults :-)

And I'm still 'working on it'! Lol

Sent from my iPhone

> So what you were saying is that you didn't just play the role of lovey dovey

sicky sweet mother because others said that is what a " Good Mother " is like. You

made authentic connections with your children and spent time with them and in

there presence. You allowed them to be themselves and in return you showed them

that you were a human being as well. That is NOW PRESENCE EV you are amazing. I

am still working on this.

> Hugs and Positive Thoughts from Constance in Mi

>

>

>

> Subject: Re: Change...kind of long (sorry)

> To: " insideoutweightloss "

<insideoutweightloss >

> Date: Monday, May 2, 2011, 1:16 PM

>

>

>

> Hi Tonya,

>

> I have been thinking about your post a lot the last few days and I realised

that I never liked playing with my kids when they were small. Don't get me

wrong...I adored them but didn't like PLAYING with them. I loved reading to them

and we spent hours cuddled up reading books, I loved helping them put together

an occasional puzzle, and we had fun watching animated films and going for long

walks and cooking together or looking at baby pictures in albums and singing

songs. I just did things with them that we could all three find interest in. At

around 3 I started arranging a lot of play dates for them. When they were in

elementary school, they could choose a playmate to come home with them on

Friday. We would go to a local park that had a tennis court right in the middle

and a beautiful safe play area right next to it. While they had their picnic and

played, I would play tennis and we both went home happy.

>

> My parents worked 18 hour days in their own business and had little time for

me and my brother but I never ever doubted that they loved me unconditionally.

What I'm trying to say is, you don't necessarily have to PLAY with your children

to show them that you love them.

>

> My children are 28 and 25. They seem to me to be well adjusted adults. They

are in loving, respectful relationships. Their best friends are their elementary

school friends but they have a good circle of friends around them, they have

both done post graduate studies and have good jobs...and are normal around food

:-) It was mentioned (sorry I don't remember who wrote it and I can't see it

right now) that reading, and looking up information and just watching different

people parenting can also help you decide what you want to incorporate into your

families' lives. Also, I did parent councelling for a year and that helped me

tremendously.

>

> What pops into my mind as very important is respect. Show respect towards your

child no matter what age, respect his opinions and at the same time, demand the

same respect towards you. The other thing that I've always said is that I'm not

my children's friend, I'm their parent. A very loving and open parent but I

think that it's hard to discipline a friend... Finally, as your kids get older,

when they want to talk, DROP EVERYTHING and sit down and chat.Listen to them!

Lots of lots of humor should be included.

>

> By the way, my kids and I still love cooking together and hatting and my

daughter and I have a passion for shopping and enjoying coffee together and

walking and watching silly shows on TV and playing scrabble. :-)

>

> Thanks for sharing with us Tonya..

>

>

>

>

> To: insideoutweightloss

> Sent: Wednesday, April 27, 2011 2:07 AM

> Subject: Change...kind of long (sorry)

>

>

> Recently, I posted a question regarding changing beliefs that are actually

core beliefs (as opposed to limiting beliefs). It occured to me today that these

actually comprise your self-concept. In googling this topic, little helpful

information resulted. However, looking at myself and over the span of my years,

there has never been a positive self-concept. While in reality, it is just me

being overly critical. I am a mother of three under five. Am I a good mother? I

guess so, but I don't think I am the best mother. I am disconnected. Playing

with the kids isn't something of which I readily or happily partake. Hand me a

book and I can read to them all day. Let them react to some tidbit of science

that I have spouted off and we are up and running, but this doesn't fulfill the

need that they have to play and be close to me. As a result, I eat. I feel like

I am cheating myself and my kids and the best way to deal with it is to swallow

it. The thing is, like

> Eldred, I don't know if I WANT to change. I feel like I want to go back to who

I was many years ago, but that took discipline and time that I no longer have.

There are SOOOOO many things that I need to change that I just would rather hide

than face them. This is not a new rant from me from this group. I guess I just

don't know how to get the answers I need. Sorry to those of you that are sick of

the same slant from me. I appreciate you let me write through this.

>

> T

>

>

[Guest guest]

LOLOL ( I'm a bit drunk) what were you rsponding too........, Becuse Bethany

left with  a large suit case. ) I sigh............. am I gonna die. I will if I

can't cry .......... could he just leave,

>

>

> Subject: Re: Change...kind of long (sorry)

> To: " insideoutweightloss "

<insideoutweightloss >

> Date: Monday, May 2, 2011, 1:16 PM

>

>

>

> Hi Tonya,

>

> I have been thinking about your post a lot the last few days and I realised

that I never liked playing with my kids when they were small. Don't get me

wrong...I adored them but didn't like PLAYING with them. I loved reading to them

and we spent hours cuddled up reading books, I loved helping them put together

an occasional puzzle, and we had fun watching animated films and going for long

walks and cooking together or looking at baby pictures in albums and singing

songs. I just did things with them that we could all three find interest in. At

around 3 I started arranging a lot of play dates for them. When they were in

elementary school, they could choose a playmate to come home with them on

Friday. We would go to a local park that had a tennis court right in the middle

and a beautiful safe play area right next to it. While they had their picnic and

played, I would play tennis and we both went home happy.

>

> My parents worked 18 hour days in their own business and had little time for

me and my brother but I never ever doubted that they loved me unconditionally.

What I'm trying to say is, you don't necessarily have to PLAY with your children

to show them that you love them.

>

> My children are 28 and 25. They seem to me to be well adjusted adults. They

are in loving, respectful relationships. Their best friends are their elementary

school friends but they have a good circle of friends around them, they have

both done post graduate studies and have good jobs...and are normal around food

:-) It was mentioned (sorry I don't remember who wrote it and I can't see it

right now) that reading, and looking up information and just watching different

people parenting can also help you decide what you want to incorporate into your

families' lives. Also, I did parent councelling for a year and that helped me

tremendously.

>

> What pops into my mind as very important is respect. Show respect towards your

child no matter what age, respect his opinions and at the same time, demand the

same respect towards you. The other thing that I've always said is that I'm not

my children's friend, I'm their parent. A very loving and open parent but I

think that it's hard to discipline a friend... Finally, as your kids get older,

when they want to talk, DROP EVERYTHING and sit down and chat.Listen to them!

Lots of lots of humor should be included.

>

> By the way, my kids and I still love cooking together and hatting and my

daughter and I have a passion for shopping and enjoying coffee together and

walking and watching silly shows on TV and playing scrabble. :-)

>

> Thanks for sharing with us Tonya..

>

>

>

>

> To: insideoutweightloss

> Sent: Wednesday, April 27, 2011 2:07 AM

> Subject: Change...kind of long (sorry)

>

>

> Recently, I posted a question regarding changing beliefs that are actually

core beliefs (as opposed to limiting beliefs). It occured to me today that these

actually comprise your self-concept. In googling this topic, little helpful

information resulted. However, looking at myself and over the span of my years,

there has never been a positive self-concept. While in reality, it is just me

being overly critical. I am a mother of three under five. Am I a good mother? I

guess so, but I don't think I am the best mother. I am disconnected. Playing

with the kids isn't something of which I readily or happily partake. Hand me a

book and I can read to them all day. Let them react to some tidbit of science

that I have spouted off and we are up and running, but this doesn't fulfill the

need that they have to play and be close to me. As a result, I eat. I feel like

I am cheating myself and my kids and the best way to deal with it is to swallow

it. The thing is, like

> Eldred, I don't know if I WANT to change. I feel like I want to go back to who

I was many years ago, but that took discipline and time that I no longer have.

There are SOOOOO many things that I need to change that I just would rather hide

than face them. This is not a new rant from me from this group. I guess I just

don't know how to get the answers I need. Sorry to those of you that are sick of

the same slant from me. I appreciate you let me write through this.

>

> T

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sweetie I don't know exactly what you're talking about.... LOL are you very

happy or very sad?? Is Bethany your oldest daughter? Where did she go to with a

big suitcase? Who do you want to leave?? Hope you are feeling a lot better

today!!!

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Wednesday, May 11, 2011 4:54 AM

Subject: Re: Change...kind of long (sorry)

 

LOLOL ( I'm a bit drunk) what were you rsponding too........, Becuse Bethany

left with  a large suit case. ) I sigh............. am I gonna die. I will if I

can't cry .......... could he just leave,

>

>

> Subject: Re: Change...kind of long (sorry)

> To: " insideoutweightloss "

<insideoutweightloss >

> Date: Monday, May 2, 2011, 1:16 PM

>

>

>

> Hi Tonya,

>

> I have been thinking about your post a lot the last few days and I realised

that I never liked playing with my kids when they were small. Don't get me

wrong...I adored them but didn't like PLAYING with them. I loved reading to them

and we spent hours cuddled up reading books, I loved helping them put together

an occasional puzzle, and we had fun watching animated films and going for long

walks and cooking together or looking at baby pictures in albums and singing

songs. I just did things with them that we could all three find interest in. At

around 3 I started arranging a lot of play dates for them. When they were in

elementary school, they could choose a playmate to come home with them on

Friday. We would go to a local park that had a tennis court right in the middle

and a beautiful safe play area right next to it. While they had their picnic and

played, I would play tennis and we both went home happy.

>

> My parents worked 18 hour days in their own business and had little time for

me and my brother but I never ever doubted that they loved me unconditionally.

What I'm trying to say is, you don't necessarily have to PLAY with your children

to show them that you love them.

>

> My children are 28 and 25. They seem to me to be well adjusted adults. They

are in loving, respectful relationships. Their best friends are their elementary

school friends but they have a good circle of friends around them, they have

both done post graduate studies and have good jobs...and are normal around food

:-) It was mentioned (sorry I don't remember who wrote it and I can't see it

right now) that reading, and looking up information and just watching different

people parenting can also help you decide what you want to incorporate into your

families' lives. Also, I did parent councelling for a year and that helped me

tremendously.

>

> What pops into my mind as very important is respect. Show respect towards your

child no matter what age, respect his opinions and at the same time, demand the

same respect towards you. The other thing that I've always said is that I'm not

my children's friend, I'm their parent. A very loving and open parent but I

think that it's hard to discipline a friend... Finally, as your kids get older,

when they want to talk, DROP EVERYTHING and sit down and chat.Listen to them!

Lots of lots of humor should be included.

>

> By the way, my kids and I still love cooking together and hatting and my

daughter and I have a passion for shopping and enjoying coffee together and

walking and watching silly shows on TV and playing scrabble. :-)

>

> Thanks for sharing with us Tonya..

>

>

>

>

> To: insideoutweightloss

> Sent: Wednesday, April 27, 2011 2:07 AM

> Subject: Change...kind of long (sorry)

>

>

> Recently, I posted a question regarding changing beliefs that are actually

core beliefs (as opposed to limiting beliefs). It occured to me today that these

actually comprise your self-concept. In googling this topic, little helpful

information resulted. However, looking at myself and over the span of my years,

there has never been a positive self-concept. While in reality, it is just me

being overly critical. I am a mother of three under five. Am I a good mother? I

guess so, but I don't think I am the best mother. I am disconnected. Playing

with the kids isn't something of which I readily or happily partake. Hand me a

book and I can read to them all day. Let them react to some tidbit of science

that I have spouted off and we are up and running, but this doesn't fulfill the

need that they have to play and be close to me. As a result, I eat. I feel like

I am cheating myself and my kids and the best way to deal with it is to swallow

it. The thing is, like

> Eldred, I don't know if I WANT to change. I feel like I want to go back to who

I was many years ago, but that took discipline and time that I no longer have.

There are SOOOOO many things that I need to change that I just would rather hide

than face them. This is not a new rant from me from this group. I guess I just

don't know how to get the answers I need. Sorry to those of you that are sick of

the same slant from me. I appreciate you let me write through this.

>

> T

>

>

[Guest guest]

Constance,

I'm worried about you. Do you have someone there in " Real Life " who you can talk

to? Friend? Minister? Social worker? Doctor? Your marriage counselor?

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Wed, May 11, 2011 4:54:07 AM

Subject: Re: Change...kind of long (sorry)

 

LOLOL ( I'm a bit drunk) what were you rsponding too........, Becuse Bethany

left with  a large suit case. ) I sigh............. am I gonna die. I will if I

can't cry .......... could he just leave,