Feeling worthy enough

[Guest guest]

Lately I have been noticing one of my limiting beliefs regarding being

overweight and romantic love. I have been 100+lbs for most of my life: I started

getting heavy when I was a young child of 7years old. I remember feeling lonely

a lot and like I was different because of my weight and also having a skin

condition- Vitiligo. I remember feeling the wrath of cruel adults and children

about my skin condition and in turn I remember feeling so different; like an

alien from outer-space. The staring and pointing just made me want to crawl in a

hole and die. I tried to act like it didn't bother me and wouldn't acknowledge

people that would stare. I've even had people brave enough to ask me what was

wrong with my skin. The " askers " were not the ones I would get mad at; they had

a legitimate question and didn't stare and point. I was happy to answer and

educate them. Usually the response was positive and life moved on. I have used

food to comfort me for any kind of emotion: mostly anger, fear, and loneliness

will trigger me to overeat. I never realized until listening to that I was

doing this to numb the pain of feeling the emotion. The behavior is not totally

eradicated but I am now aware of why I am doing it. I can look back and say I

just ate that chocolate because I was angry and stressed out- the positive

intent was to make myself feel less angry and stressed out. In the heat of an

emotion it is next to impossible to be rational! It's only after that clarity

comes to. I still struggle with self medicating with food to help myself mainly

calm down and relax. What are some ways that are practical during an acute

episode of anger or frustration to calm oneself down?

As a child and teenager I never was at a loss for female friendships; I

always had a small group I would go out with and relate to. As far as males go I

believe I may have a fear of men. When around a man that is attractive, goal

oriented, and stable I instantly have this feeling of not being worthy enough of

their attention and possible love relationship. I relate this to being so

grossly overweight. The exact dialogue in my mind is: he won't think I'm

attractive, I'm so fat. There are much skinnier prettier women out there. I'm

relating beauty to outside physical appearance mainly weight. I've always been

criticized, belittled, made to feel not good enough because of my weight. It's

really an absurd notion that I think that in order to be attractive I must lose

all the extra weight! I'm finding it hard to love myself at the size I am. I've

been listening to for about a year and six months: I love her approach! I

started out at 285lbs and now I am 239lbs- well on my way to a goal of 50lb

weightloss. This is a huge achievement! As far as the fear of being in a close

relationship with a man- it stems from feeling not worthy, then the fear arises

when I feel a possible love connection happening and all the negative self talk

starts. I have been rejected alot so i have the all or nothing belief. Its

irritating! All of these feelings were brought to the surface again because I

really have been crushing on this guy at the gym I work out at. I think there

may be potential but am too shy and feel unworthy because Im not as fit and in

shape as he is. On the same token though I have been asking for a person to come

into my life that is health conscious and who I could bounce ideas and tips off

of- i think he may be it! How do I get through this not feeling worthy? Anyone

else feel the same way?

in Ohio

Sent from my iPhone