Guest guest Posted July 7, 2011 Report Share Posted July 7, 2011 Hello a & Welcome to the group, Please don't ever apologize, you're safe to share anything here & get support or just have a sounding post. You have had huge things happen to you, of which you were unable to prevent or stop & your body & unconscious have worked to protect you through your healing process I love that you have never given up on yourself and are working to get to the method that will work for you to remove your " defensive " coat. I'm glad you're here with us! Colleen  ________________________________ To: insideoutweightloss Sent: Wednesday, July 6, 2011 9:13 PM Subject: my journey  Hello Everyone, My name is a and I am 25 years old. I started listening to the pod casts over 6 months ago and a few months ago I took the right step by joining this group. However, I never participated in the group up until now because my story is not something that is easy for me to talk about. I have never been a skinny person, but in high school and my first few years of college I was much skinnier than I am now. During my college career I dated a few interesting characters but I never thought any of them would harm me, I was wrong. In April 2008 I met up with someone that I had previously dated after he had a couple of drinks in a local bar. That night I was raped and to this day I'm pretty sure he still does not remember any of it but that night is forever etched into my memory. My safety became one of my priorities when I was finishing college & I moved into a gated apartment complex. After college I moved back in with my parents and I will never forget the looks that my mother used to give me. It was like she was expecting me to fall apart at any moment. Since that event in my life I have gained 60-80 pounds. I have gone to see a counselor multiple times to help me deal with my emotions. I have also been a member of several different gyms and had a few personal trainers. However, I found that even though I would lose a bit of weight I always hit a brick wall and went back in the wrong direction. I guess you can say that I have yet to come to terms with it. However, after I began to listen to the podcasts a light bulb went off in my head. I basically let myself eat my emotions throughout the years. Furthermore, I think that I subconsciously allowed myself to do that because I was hoping that if I gained weight I would be unattractive enough on the outside that others would not want to hurt me like that again. I believe that the reason why I'm having such a hard time with my weight loss is because I have not completely moved on and it's affecting my progress. To move further in my weight loss journey I need to be able to let go. However, in that quest I seem to have hit a brick wall as well because I'm not sure where to begin. I honestly don't know where to go from here. Up to this point I have used avoidance as my style of coping. I keep myself busy so that I do not have to think about it and deal with my emotions. In the past, I got I used naps as my escape from reality. I also found a demanding job that occupies most of my time and I avoid going to functions where I could bump into him. For example, this past year I planned to go to my college's homecoming but once I decided that I would go I started having trouble sleeping, nightmares & basically I felt most of the emotions that I felt right after the event occurred. Once I decided not to go, I felt 100% better. I hate that over three years later I am avoid attending events that I know he will be at. However, I know that I cannot change everything overnight. I need to be able to deal with my emotions so that I can continue my weight loss journey and I know that it will not be an easy task. I may hit a few bumps along the road but I need to stay the path because I am tired of not recognizing the girl in the mirror. I apologize to all the group members for writing an entire novel about why I became a member of this group. Once I began to write, it just started to all spill out. I hope that members of this group can serve as my support system and will help me throughout my quest to improve my inner and outer self. Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 7, 2011 Report Share Posted July 7, 2011 a, Colleen is right. This is a safe place and I am happy to be here for you. Hugs, Beverly ________________________________ To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss > Sent: Thu, July 7, 2011 9:23:58 AM Subject: Re: my journey  Hello a & Welcome to the group, Please don't ever apologize, you're safe to share anything here & get support or just have a sounding post. You have had huge things happen to you, of which you were unable to prevent or stop & your body & unconscious have worked to protect you through your healing process I love that you have never given up on yourself and are working to get to the method that will work for you to remove your " defensive " coat. I'm glad you're here with us! Colleen  ________________________________ To: insideoutweightloss Sent: Wednesday, July 6, 2011 9:13 PM Subject: my journey  Hello Everyone, My name is a and I am 25 years old. I started listening to the pod casts over 6 months ago and a few months ago I took the right step by joining this group. However, I never participated in the group up until now because my story is not something that is easy for me to talk about. I have never been a skinny person, but in high school and my first few years of college I was much skinnier than I am now. During my college career I dated a few interesting characters but I never thought any of them would harm me, I was wrong. In April 2008 I met up with someone that I had previously dated after he had a couple of drinks in a local bar. That night I was raped and to this day I'm pretty sure he still does not remember any of it but that night is forever etched into my memory. My safety became one of my priorities when I was finishing college & I moved into a gated apartment complex. After college I moved back in with my parents and I will never forget the looks that my mother used to give me. It was like she was expecting me to fall apart at any moment. Since that event in my life I have gained 60-80 pounds. I have gone to see a counselor multiple times to help me deal with my emotions. I have also been a member of several different gyms and had a few personal trainers. However, I found that even though I would lose a bit of weight I always hit a brick wall and went back in the wrong direction. I guess you can say that I have yet to come to terms with it. However, after I began to listen to the podcasts a light bulb went off in my head. I basically let myself eat my emotions throughout the years. Furthermore, I think that I subconsciously allowed myself to do that because I was hoping that if I gained weight I would be unattractive enough on the outside that others would not want to hurt me like that again. I believe that the reason why I'm having such a hard time with my weight loss is because I have not completely moved on and it's affecting my progress. To move further in my weight loss journey I need to be able to let go. However, in that quest I seem to have hit a brick wall as well because I'm not sure where to begin. I honestly don't know where to go from here. Up to this point I have used avoidance as my style of coping. I keep myself busy so that I do not have to think about it and deal with my emotions. In the past, I got I used naps as my escape from reality. I also found a demanding job that occupies most of my time and I avoid going to functions where I could bump into him. For example, this past year I planned to go to my college's homecoming but once I decided that I would go I started having trouble sleeping, nightmares & basically I felt most of the emotions that I felt right after the event occurred. Once I decided not to go, I felt 100% better. I hate that over three years later I am avoid attending events that I know he will be at. However, I know that I cannot change everything overnight. I need to be able to deal with my emotions so that I can continue my weight loss journey and I know that it will not be an easy task. I may hit a few bumps along the road but I need to stay the path because I am tired of not recognizing the girl in the mirror. I apologize to all the group members for writing an entire novel about why I became a member of this group. Once I began to write, it just started to all spill out. I hope that members of this group can serve as my support system and will help me throughout my quest to improve my inner and outer self. Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 7, 2011 Report Share Posted July 7, 2011 Ayanna " It's your ability to inspire and uplift other people that matters, not your ability to outdo them. " ________________________________ To: insideoutweightloss Sent: Thu, July 7, 2011 8:20:16 AM Subject: Re: my journey a, Colleen is right. This is a safe place and I am happy to be here for you. Hugs, Beverly ________________________________ To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss > Sent: Thu, July 7, 2011 9:23:58 AM Subject: Re: my journey Hello a & Welcome to the group, Please don't ever apologize, you're safe to share anything here & get support or just have a sounding post. You have had huge things happen to you, of which you were unable to prevent or stop & your body & unconscious have worked to protect you through your healing process I love that you have never given up on yourself and are working to get to the method that will work for you to remove your " defensive " coat. I'm glad you're here with us! Colleen ________________________________ To: insideoutweightloss Sent: Wednesday, July 6, 2011 9:13 PM Subject: my journey Hello Everyone, My name is a and I am 25 years old. I started listening to the pod casts over 6 months ago and a few months ago I took the right step by joining this group. However, I never participated in the group up until now because my story is not something that is easy for me to talk about. I have never been a skinny person, but in high school and my first few years of college I was much skinnier than I am now. During my college career I dated a few interesting characters but I never thought any of them would harm me, I was wrong. In April 2008 I met up with someone that I had previously dated after he had a couple of drinks in a local bar. That night I was raped and to this day I'm pretty sure he still does not remember any of it but that night is forever etched into my memory. My safety became one of my priorities when I was finishing college & I moved into a gated apartment complex. After college I moved back in with my parents and I will never forget the looks that my mother used to give me. It was like she was expecting me to fall apart at any moment. Since that event in my life I have gained 60-80 pounds. I have gone to see a counselor multiple times to help me deal with my emotions. I have also been a member of several different gyms and had a few personal trainers. However, I found that even though I would lose a bit of weight I always hit a brick wall and went back in the wrong direction. I guess you can say that I have yet to come to terms with it. However, after I began to listen to the podcasts a light bulb went off in my head. I basically let myself eat my emotions throughout the years. Furthermore, I think that I subconsciously allowed myself to do that because I was hoping that if I gained weight I would be unattractive enough on the outside that others would not want to hurt me like that again. I believe that the reason why I'm having such a hard time with my weight loss is because I have not completely moved on and it's affecting my progress. To move further in my weight loss journey I need to be able to let go. However, in that quest I seem to have hit a brick wall as well because I'm not sure where to begin. I honestly don't know where to go from here. Up to this point I have used avoidance as my style of coping. I keep myself busy so that I do not have to think about it and deal with my emotions. In the past, I got I used naps as my escape from reality. I also found a demanding job that occupies most of my time and I avoid going to functions where I could bump into him. For example, this past year I planned to go to my college's homecoming but once I decided that I would go I started having trouble sleeping, nightmares & basically I felt most of the emotions that I felt right after the event occurred. Once I decided not to go, I felt 100% better. I hate that over three years later I am avoid attending events that I know he will be at. However, I know that I cannot change everything overnight. I need to be able to deal with my emotions so that I can continue my weight loss journey and I know that it will not be an easy task. I may hit a few bumps along the road but I need to stay the path because I am tired of not recognizing the girl in the mirror. I apologize to all the group members for writing an entire novel about why I became a member of this group. Once I began to write, it just started to all spill out. I hope that members of this group can serve as my support system and will help me throughout my quest to improve my inner and outer self. Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 7, 2011 Report Share Posted July 7, 2011 a, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm not surprised you haven't been able to move on--besides the fact that it's a terrible event, you still have to face your attacker in some settings! And by the way you say you think he doesn't even remember it, I take it you didn't press charges? I'm not commenting on whether you should or shouldn't--it's just that my imagination is already coming up with a whole set of emotions around the events, where there he is, treated like a normal person, and there you are...60-80 lbs heavier than you were.... I'd avoid events, too! Have you considered contacting a rape hotline? They might be able to give you advice/support/help, even though the event was several years ago. also has a guided journey for trauma release. Or if you're not interested in buying something, I wonder if either #3 or #33--guided journeys to identity--would help? As a way of reinforcing that your true identity is not this event. Your identity is something much greater than that. ________________________________ To: insideoutweightloss Sent: Thu, July 7, 2011 7:13:47 AM Subject: my journey Hello Everyone, My name is a and I am 25 years old. I started listening to the pod casts over 6 months ago and a few months ago I took the right step by joining this group. However, I never participated in the group up until now because my story is not something that is easy for me to talk about. I have never been a skinny person, but in high school and my first few years of college I was much skinnier than I am now. During my college career I dated a few interesting characters but I never thought any of them would harm me, I was wrong. In April 2008 I met up with someone that I had previously dated after he had a couple of drinks in a local bar. That night I was raped and to this day I'm pretty sure he still does not remember any of it but that night is forever etched into my memory. My safety became one of my priorities when I was finishing college & I moved into a gated apartment complex. After college I moved back in with my parents and I will never forget the looks that my mother used to give me. It was like she was expecting me to fall apart at any moment. Since that event in my life I have gained 60-80 pounds. I have gone to see a counselor multiple times to help me deal with my emotions. I have also been a member of several different gyms and had a few personal trainers. However, I found that even though I would lose a bit of weight I always hit a brick wall and went back in the wrong direction. I guess you can say that I have yet to come to terms with it. However, after I began to listen to the podcasts a light bulb went off in my head. I basically let myself eat my emotions throughout the years. Furthermore, I think that I subconsciously allowed myself to do that because I was hoping that if I gained weight I would be unattractive enough on the outside that others would not want to hurt me like that again. I believe that the reason why I'm having such a hard time with my weight loss is because I have not completely moved on and it's affecting my progress. To move further in my weight loss journey I need to be able to let go. However, in that quest I seem to have hit a brick wall as well because I'm not sure where to begin. I honestly don't know where to go from here. Up to this point I have used avoidance as my style of coping. I keep myself busy so that I do not have to think about it and deal with my emotions. In the past, I got I used naps as my escape from reality. I also found a demanding job that occupies most of my time and I avoid going to functions where I could bump into him. For example, this past year I planned to go to my college's homecoming but once I decided that I would go I started having trouble sleeping, nightmares & basically I felt most of the emotions that I felt right after the event occurred. Once I decided not to go, I felt 100% better. I hate that over three years later I am avoid attending events that I know he will be at. However, I know that I cannot change everything overnight. I need to be able to deal with my emotions so that I can continue my weight loss journey and I know that it will not be an easy task. I may hit a few bumps along the road but I need to stay the path because I am tired of not recognizing the girl in the mirror. I apologize to all the group members for writing an entire novel about why I became a member of this group. Once I began to write, it just started to all spill out. I hope that members of this group can serve as my support system and will help me throughout my quest to improve my inner and outer self. Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 7, 2011 Report Share Posted July 7, 2011 Thank you everyone for your support. I was worried that I would regret sharing so much about my life because I was not sure what type of responses I would receive. However, I can honestly say that I started crying during my lunch break at work when I read some of the kind responses that you all left for me. Those messages made me realize that sharing my story was a step in the right direction. , you bring up some very good questions. I initially didn't report it because all I felt was shame & didn't think anyone would believe me. I cried after he left my dorm for a long time & then I had the overwhelming need to get clean. I washed my sheets/comforter, took a long shower and cried some more. The reason I can say that he doesn't remember it is because he had a bit of a drinking problem & the next day he left me 10 or so text messages and called me asking what happened. Because of the alcohol he didn't remember. The endless multiple text messages a day continued for weeks (I never responded to any of them) & I avoided going out because we ran in the same circle of friends. After a few weeks I had enough & told my parents. They came to town that same day & we went to report it to the campus police. By that time I had no evidence because I cleaned everything so it was just my word against his. The detective that came believed me and saw all the text messages that he left me. She called him and warned him to leave me alone & banned him from campus (he wasn't a student). I did proceed with pressing charges. I completed the appropriate paperwork and submitted it to see if it would go to trial. However, my request was denied. I was told that my request was denied because I also had a drink at the bar (1) and various other reasons. That was truly upsetting for me. At that point, it seemed like he had won because the `crazy girl' who was trying to take him to court for something he didn't do failed at her attempt. That may have been the point where I started to eat and I rationalized to myself that it was better than becoming a drunk like him. A couple of months later a mutual friend of ours died in an alcohol related car accident and the friend happened to be his best friend. I did not want to miss the funeral because of him so I went and I was lucky enough to have my best friends surround me for moral support. We got there late and the only seats available were in the back row. I remember feeling sick to my stomach when he walked right behind us and squeezing my friend's hand so hard. My mother tried to encourage me to call a hotline or attend a meeting but since my method of coping was avoidance for so long I never called or went. My compromise was going to a counselor. This past weekend was a mutual friend's wedding and he was the best man. I contemplated going but just like homecoming I experienced anxiety about the event. I also didn't want to be a reason that an ugly scene might occur at someone's wedding. To save myself from the unnecessary stress I politely declined & sent a gift through the mail. However, I did hear through a friend that his best man's speech was a mess….no surprise considering she said he was drinking like a fish right before. I don't think he will ever change. -a > > a, > > I'm so sorry this happened to you. > > I'm not surprised you haven't been able to move on--besides the fact that it's a > terrible event, you still have to face your attacker in some settings! And by > the way you say you think he doesn't even remember it, I take it you didn't > press charges? > > > I'm not commenting on whether you should or shouldn't--it's just that my > imagination is already coming up with a whole set of emotions around the events, > where there he is, treated like a normal person, and there you are...60-80 lbs > heavier than you were.... I'd avoid events, too! > > Have you considered contacting a rape hotline? They might be able to give you > advice/support/help, even though the event was several years ago. > > also has a guided journey for trauma release. Or if you're not interested > in buying something, I wonder if either #3 or #33--guided journeys to > identity--would help? As a way of reinforcing that your true identity is not > this event. Your identity is something much greater than that. > > > > > > > ________________________________ > From: emc12706 emc12706@... > To: insideoutweightloss > Sent: Thu, July 7, 2011 7:13:47 AM > Subject: my journey > > > > Hello Everyone, > > My name is a and I am 25 years old. I started listening to the pod > casts over 6 months ago and a few months ago I took the right step by > joining this group. However, I never participated in the group up until > now because my story is not something that is easy for me to talk about. > > I have never been a skinny person, but in high school and my first few > years of college I was much skinnier than I am now. During my college > career I dated a few interesting characters but I never thought any of > them would harm me, I was wrong. In April 2008 I met up with someone > that I had previously dated after he had a couple of drinks in a local > bar. That night I was raped and to this day I'm pretty sure he still > does not remember any of it but that night is forever etched into my > memory. > > My safety became one of my priorities when I was finishing college & I > moved into a gated apartment complex. After college I moved back in with > my parents and I will never forget the looks that my mother used to give > me. It was like she was expecting me to fall apart at any moment. > > Since that event in my life I have gained 60-80 pounds. I have gone to > see a counselor multiple times to help me deal with my emotions. I have > also been a member of several different gyms and had a few personal > trainers. However, I found that even though I would lose a bit of weight > I always hit a brick wall and went back in the wrong direction. > > I guess you can say that I have yet to come to terms with it. However, > after I began to listen to the podcasts a light bulb went off in my > head. I basically let myself eat my emotions throughout the years. > Furthermore, I think that I subconsciously allowed myself to do that > because I was hoping that if I gained weight I would be unattractive > enough on the outside that others would not want to hurt me like that > again. > > I believe that the reason why I'm having such a hard time with my > weight loss is because I have not completely moved on and it's > affecting my progress. To move further in my weight loss journey I need > to be able to let go. However, in that quest I seem to have hit a brick > wall as well because I'm not sure where to begin. I honestly > don't know where to go from here. > > Up to this point I have used avoidance as my style of coping. I keep > myself busy so that I do not have to think about it and deal with my > emotions. In the past, I got I used naps as my escape from reality. I > also found a demanding job that occupies most of my time and I avoid > going to functions where I could bump into him. > > For example, this past year I planned to go to my college's > homecoming but once I decided that I would go I started having trouble > sleeping, nightmares & basically I felt most of the emotions that I felt > right after the event occurred. Once I decided not to go, I felt 100% > better. > > I hate that over three years later I am avoid attending events that I > know he will be at. However, I know that I cannot change everything > overnight. > > I need to be able to deal with my emotions so that I can continue my > weight loss journey and I know that it will not be an easy task. I may > hit a few bumps along the road but I need to stay the path because I am > tired of not recognizing the girl in the mirror. > > I apologize to all the group members for writing an entire novel about > why I became a member of this group. Once I began to write, it just > started to all spill out. I hope that members of this group can serve > as my support system and will help me throughout my quest to improve my > inner and outer self. > > Thank you. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 7, 2011 Report Share Posted July 7, 2011 I am glad you are here.  We are a safe group and I hope you will be able to find some healing by sharing with this group. I am sure that your therapists have suggested a few boooks to help you deal with the rape but I have a few favorites that have helped me as I have tried to cope with the truama inflicted by my rapist. If you are interested I would be happy to pass them on. I am so glad that you are willing to deal with this right now and not let it fester.  I encourage you to find a therapist that you can work with. Welcome. Please let uns know how we can support you. Hugs, Livingston ________________________________ To: insideoutweightloss Sent: Wed, July 6, 2011 11:13:47 PM Subject: my journey  Hello Everyone, My name is a and I am 25 years old. I started listening to the pod casts over 6 months ago and a few months ago I took the right step by joining this group. However, I never participated in the group up until now because my story is not something that is easy for me to talk about. I have never been a skinny person, but in high school and my first few years of college I was much skinnier than I am now. During my college career I dated a few interesting characters but I never thought any of them would harm me, I was wrong. In April 2008 I met up with someone that I had previously dated after he had a couple of drinks in a local bar. That night I was raped and to this day I'm pretty sure he still does not remember any of it but that night is forever etched into my memory. My safety became one of my priorities when I was finishing college & I moved into a gated apartment complex. After college I moved back in with my parents and I will never forget the looks that my mother used to give me. It was like she was expecting me to fall apart at any moment. Since that event in my life I have gained 60-80 pounds. I have gone to see a counselor multiple times to help me deal with my emotions. I have also been a member of several different gyms and had a few personal trainers. However, I found that even though I would lose a bit of weight I always hit a brick wall and went back in the wrong direction. I guess you can say that I have yet to come to terms with it. However, after I began to listen to the podcasts a light bulb went off in my head. I basically let myself eat my emotions throughout the years. Furthermore, I think that I subconsciously allowed myself to do that because I was hoping that if I gained weight I would be unattractive enough on the outside that others would not want to hurt me like that again. I believe that the reason why I'm having such a hard time with my weight loss is because I have not completely moved on and it's affecting my progress. To move further in my weight loss journey I need to be able to let go. However, in that quest I seem to have hit a brick wall as well because I'm not sure where to begin. I honestly don't know where to go from here. Up to this point I have used avoidance as my style of coping. I keep myself busy so that I do not have to think about it and deal with my emotions. In the past, I got I used naps as my escape from reality. I also found a demanding job that occupies most of my time and I avoid going to functions where I could bump into him. For example, this past year I planned to go to my college's homecoming but once I decided that I would go I started having trouble sleeping, nightmares & basically I felt most of the emotions that I felt right after the event occurred. Once I decided not to go, I felt 100% better. I hate that over three years later I am avoid attending events that I know he will be at. However, I know that I cannot change everything overnight. I need to be able to deal with my emotions so that I can continue my weight loss journey and I know that it will not be an easy task. I may hit a few bumps along the road but I need to stay the path because I am tired of not recognizing the girl in the mirror. I apologize to all the group members for writing an entire novel about why I became a member of this group. Once I began to write, it just started to all spill out. I hope that members of this group can serve as my support system and will help me throughout my quest to improve my inner and outer self. Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 Hi a: What courage it takes to share your story! I feel so much for you and am so impressed with your openness and honesty and insight! You are am amazing young woman! And, you are not alone. I wanted to share with you a program that helped me tremendously deal with a similar situation in my life. It's called Radical Forgiveness. Colin Tipping has a website with a free worksheet that might help you start to shift some of these feelings so you can be free and move on with your life. Check out his website and see if it resonates with you. There is hope and you will find peace. It sounds to me like you are so ready and open to taking some steps to make this happen for you NOW! http://radicalforgiveness.com/ With love, > > Thank you everyone for your support. I was worried that I would regret > sharing so much about my life because I was not sure what type of > responses I would receive. However, I can honestly say that I started > crying during my lunch break at work when I read some of the kind > responses that you all left for me. Those messages made me realize > that > sharing my story was a step in the right direction. > > , you bring up some very good questions. I initially didn't > report it because all I felt was shame & didn't think anyone would > believe me. I cried after he left my dorm for a long time & then I had > the overwhelming need to get clean. I washed my sheets/comforter, > took a > long shower and cried some more. > > The reason I can say that he doesn't remember it is because he had a > bit of a drinking problem & the next day he left me 10 or so text > messages and called me asking what happened. Because of the alcohol he > didn't remember. The endless multiple text messages a day continued > for weeks (I never responded to any of them) & I avoided going out > because we ran in the same circle of friends. > > After a few weeks I had enough & told my parents. They came to town > that > same day & we went to report it to the campus police. By that time I > had > no evidence because I cleaned everything so it was just my word > against > his. The detective that came believed me and saw all the text messages > that he left me. She called him and warned him to leave me alone & > banned him from campus (he wasn't a student). > > I did proceed with pressing charges. I completed the appropriate > paperwork and submitted it to see if it would go to trial. However, my > request was denied. I was told that my request was denied because I > also > had a drink at the bar (1) and various other reasons. That was truly > upsetting for me. At that point, it seemed like he had won because the > `crazy girl' who was trying to take him to court for something > he didn't do failed at her attempt. > > That may have been the point where I started to eat and I rationalized > to myself that it was better than becoming a drunk like him. > > A couple of months later a mutual friend of ours died in an alcohol > related car accident and the friend happened to be his best friend. I > did not want to miss the funeral because of him so I went and I was > lucky enough to have my best friends surround me for moral support. We > got there late and the only seats available were in the back row. I > remember feeling sick to my stomach when he walked right behind us and > squeezing my friend's hand so hard. > > My mother tried to encourage me to call a hotline or attend a meeting > but since my method of coping was avoidance for so long I never called > or went. My compromise was going to a counselor. > > This past weekend was a mutual friend's wedding and he was the best > man. I contemplated going but just like homecoming I experienced > anxiety > about the event. I also didn't want to be a reason that an ugly > scene might occur at someone's wedding. To save myself from the > unnecessary stress I politely declined & sent a gift through the mail. > However, I did hear through a friend that his best man's speech was > a mess….no surprise considering she said he was drinking like a fish > right before. > > I don't think he will ever change. > > -a > > > > > > a, > > > > I'm so sorry this happened to you. > > > > I'm not surprised you haven't been able to move on--besides the fact > that it's a > > terrible event, you still have to face your attacker in some > settings! > And by > > the way you say you think he doesn't even remember it, I take it you > didn't > > press charges? > > > > > > I'm not commenting on whether you should or shouldn't--it's just > that > my > > imagination is already coming up with a whole set of emotions around > the events, > > where there he is, treated like a normal person, and there you > are...60-80 lbs > > heavier than you were.... I'd avoid events, too! > > > > Have you considered contacting a rape hotline? They might be able to > give you > > advice/support/help, even though the event was several years ago. > > > > also has a guided journey for trauma release. Or if you're not > interested > > in buying something, I wonder if either #3 or #33--guided journeys > to > > identity--would help? As a way of reinforcing that your true > identity > is not > > this event. Your identity is something much greater than that. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > ________________________________ > > From: emc12706 emc12706@... > > To: insideoutweightloss > > Sent: Thu, July 7, 2011 7:13:47 AM > > Subject: my journey > > > > > > > > Hello Everyone, > > > > My name is a and I am 25 years old. I started listening to the > pod > > casts over 6 months ago and a few months ago I took the right step > by > > joining this group. However, I never participated in the group up > until > > now because my story is not something that is easy for me to talk > about. > > > > I have never been a skinny person, but in high school and my first > few > > years of college I was much skinnier than I am now. During my > college > > career I dated a few interesting characters but I never thought > any of > > them would harm me, I was wrong. In April 2008 I met up with someone > > that I had previously dated after he had a couple of drinks in a > local > > bar. That night I was raped and to this day I'm pretty sure he still > > does not remember any of it but that night is forever etched into my > > memory. > > > > My safety became one of my priorities when I was finishing college > & I > > moved into a gated apartment complex. After college I moved back in > with > > my parents and I will never forget the looks that my mother used to > give > > me. It was like she was expecting me to fall apart at any moment. > > > > Since that event in my life I have gained 60-80 pounds. I have > gone to > > see a counselor multiple times to help me deal with my emotions. I > have > > also been a member of several different gyms and had a few personal > > trainers. However, I found that even though I would lose a bit of > weight > > I always hit a brick wall and went back in the wrong direction. > > > > I guess you can say that I have yet to come to terms with it. > However, > > after I began to listen to the podcasts a light bulb went off in my > > head. I basically let myself eat my emotions throughout the years. > > Furthermore, I think that I subconsciously allowed myself to do that > > because I was hoping that if I gained weight I would be unattractive > > enough on the outside that others would not want to hurt me like > that > > again. > > > > I believe that the reason why I'm having such a hard time with my > > weight loss is because I have not completely moved on and it's > > affecting my progress. To move further in my weight loss journey I > need > > to be able to let go. However, in that quest I seem to have hit a > brick > > wall as well because I'm not sure where to begin. I honestly > > don't know where to go from here. > > > > Up to this point I have used avoidance as my style of coping. I keep > > myself busy so that I do not have to think about it and deal with my > > emotions. In the past, I got I used naps as my escape from > reality. I > > also found a demanding job that occupies most of my time and I avoid > > going to functions where I could bump into him. > > > > For example, this past year I planned to go to my college's > > homecoming but once I decided that I would go I started having > trouble > > sleeping, nightmares & basically I felt most of the emotions that I > felt > > right after the event occurred. Once I decided not to go, I felt > 100% > > better. > > > > I hate that over three years later I am avoid attending events > that I > > know he will be at. However, I know that I cannot change everything > > overnight. > > > > I need to be able to deal with my emotions so that I can continue my > > weight loss journey and I know that it will not be an easy task. I > may > > hit a few bumps along the road but I need to stay the path because I > am > > tired of not recognizing the girl in the mirror. > > > > I apologize to all the group members for writing an entire novel > about > > why I became a member of this group. Once I began to write, it just > > started to all spill out. I hope that members of this group can > serve > > as my support system and will help me throughout my quest to improve > my > > inner and outer self. > > > > Thank you. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2011 Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 Hi , Thank you for sharing the information about Radical Forgiveness with me. I'll have to look into it. -a > > > > > > a, > > > > > > I'm so sorry this happened to you. > > > > > > I'm not surprised you haven't been able to move on--besides the fact > > that it's a > > > terrible event, you still have to face your attacker in some > > settings! > > And by > > > the way you say you think he doesn't even remember it, I take it you > > didn't > > > press charges? > > > > > > > > > I'm not commenting on whether you should or shouldn't--it's just > > that > > my > > > imagination is already coming up with a whole set of emotions around > > the events, > > > where there he is, treated like a normal person, and there you > > are...60-80 lbs > > > heavier than you were.... I'd avoid events, too! > > > > > > Have you considered contacting a rape hotline? They might be able to > > give you > > > advice/support/help, even though the event was several years ago. > > > > > > also has a guided journey for trauma release. Or if you're not > > interested > > > in buying something, I wonder if either #3 or #33--guided journeys > > to > > > identity--would help? As a way of reinforcing that your true > > identity > > is not > > > this event. Your identity is something much greater than that. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > ________________________________ > > > From: emc12706 emc12706@ > > > To: insideoutweightloss > > > Sent: Thu, July 7, 2011 7:13:47 AM > > > Subject: my journey > > > > > > > > > > > > Hello Everyone, > > > > > > My name is a and I am 25 years old. I started listening to the > > pod > > > casts over 6 months ago and a few months ago I took the right step > > by > > > joining this group. However, I never participated in the group up > > until > > > now because my story is not something that is easy for me to talk > > about. > > > > > > I have never been a skinny person, but in high school and my first > > few > > > years of college I was much skinnier than I am now. During my > > college > > > career I dated a few interesting characters but I never thought > > any of > > > them would harm me, I was wrong. In April 2008 I met up with someone > > > that I had previously dated after he had a couple of drinks in a > > local > > > bar. That night I was raped and to this day I'm pretty sure he still > > > does not remember any of it but that night is forever etched into my > > > memory. > > > > > > My safety became one of my priorities when I was finishing college > > & I > > > moved into a gated apartment complex. After college I moved back in > > with > > > my parents and I will never forget the looks that my mother used to > > give > > > me. It was like she was expecting me to fall apart at any moment. > > > > > > Since that event in my life I have gained 60-80 pounds. I have > > gone to > > > see a counselor multiple times to help me deal with my emotions. I > > have > > > also been a member of several different gyms and had a few personal > > > trainers. However, I found that even though I would lose a bit of > > weight > > > I always hit a brick wall and went back in the wrong direction. > > > > > > I guess you can say that I have yet to come to terms with it. > > However, > > > after I began to listen to the podcasts a light bulb went off in my > > > head. I basically let myself eat my emotions throughout the years. > > > Furthermore, I think that I subconsciously allowed myself to do that > > > because I was hoping that if I gained weight I would be unattractive > > > enough on the outside that others would not want to hurt me like > > that > > > again. > > > > > > I believe that the reason why I'm having such a hard time with my > > > weight loss is because I have not completely moved on and it's > > > affecting my progress. To move further in my weight loss journey I > > need > > > to be able to let go. However, in that quest I seem to have hit a > > brick > > > wall as well because I'm not sure where to begin. I honestly > > > don't know where to go from here. > > > > > > Up to this point I have used avoidance as my style of coping. I keep > > > myself busy so that I do not have to think about it and deal with my > > > emotions. In the past, I got I used naps as my escape from > > reality. I > > > also found a demanding job that occupies most of my time and I avoid > > > going to functions where I could bump into him. > > > > > > For example, this past year I planned to go to my college's > > > homecoming but once I decided that I would go I started having > > trouble > > > sleeping, nightmares & basically I felt most of the emotions that I > > felt > > > right after the event occurred. Once I decided not to go, I felt > > 100% > > > better. > > > > > > I hate that over three years later I am avoid attending events > > that I > > > know he will be at. However, I know that I cannot change everything > > > overnight. > > > > > > I need to be able to deal with my emotions so that I can continue my > > > weight loss journey and I know that it will not be an easy task. I > > may > > > hit a few bumps along the road but I need to stay the path because I > > am > > > tired of not recognizing the girl in the mirror. > > > > > > I apologize to all the group members for writing an entire novel > > about > > > why I became a member of this group. Once I began to write, it just > > > started to all spill out. I hope that members of this group can > > serve > > > as my support system and will help me throughout my quest to improve > > my > > > inner and outer self. > > > > > > Thank you. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2011 Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 Hello , My counselor never shared any books with me. Please let me know which books you recommend. Thank you for your support! I truly think I made the right choice by sharing my story. -a Casillas > > I am glad you are here.  We are a safe group and I hope you will be able to > find some healing by sharing with this group. > > I am sure that your therapists have suggested a few boooks to help you deal with > the rape but I have a few favorites that have helped me as I have tried to cope > with the truama inflicted by my rapist. If you are interested I would be happy > to pass them on. I am so glad that you are willing to deal with this right now > and not let it fester.  I encourage you to find a therapist that you can work > with. > > Welcome. Please let uns know how we can support you. > > Hugs, Livingston > > > > > ________________________________ > > To: insideoutweightloss > Sent: Wed, July 6, 2011 11:13:47 PM > Subject: my journey > >  > > Hello Everyone, > > My name is a and I am 25 years old. I started listening to the pod > casts over 6 months ago and a few months ago I took the right step by > joining this group. However, I never participated in the group up until > now because my story is not something that is easy for me to talk about. > > I have never been a skinny person, but in high school and my first few > years of college I was much skinnier than I am now. During my college > career I dated a few interesting characters but I never thought any of > them would harm me, I was wrong. In April 2008 I met up with someone > that I had previously dated after he had a couple of drinks in a local > bar. That night I was raped and to this day I'm pretty sure he still > does not remember any of it but that night is forever etched into my > memory. > > My safety became one of my priorities when I was finishing college & I > moved into a gated apartment complex. After college I moved back in with > my parents and I will never forget the looks that my mother used to give > me. It was like she was expecting me to fall apart at any moment. > > Since that event in my life I have gained 60-80 pounds. I have gone to > see a counselor multiple times to help me deal with my emotions. I have > also been a member of several different gyms and had a few personal > trainers. However, I found that even though I would lose a bit of weight > I always hit a brick wall and went back in the wrong direction. > > I guess you can say that I have yet to come to terms with it. However, > after I began to listen to the podcasts a light bulb went off in my > head. I basically let myself eat my emotions throughout the years. > Furthermore, I think that I subconsciously allowed myself to do that > because I was hoping that if I gained weight I would be unattractive > enough on the outside that others would not want to hurt me like that > again. > > I believe that the reason why I'm having such a hard time with my > weight loss is because I have not completely moved on and it's > affecting my progress. To move further in my weight loss journey I need > to be able to let go. However, in that quest I seem to have hit a brick > wall as well because I'm not sure where to begin. I honestly > don't know where to go from here. > > Up to this point I have used avoidance as my style of coping. I keep > myself busy so that I do not have to think about it and deal with my > emotions. In the past, I got I used naps as my escape from reality. I > also found a demanding job that occupies most of my time and I avoid > going to functions where I could bump into him. > > For example, this past year I planned to go to my college's > homecoming but once I decided that I would go I started having trouble > sleeping, nightmares & basically I felt most of the emotions that I felt > right after the event occurred. Once I decided not to go, I felt 100% > better. > > I hate that over three years later I am avoid attending events that I > know he will be at. However, I know that I cannot change everything > overnight. > > I need to be able to deal with my emotions so that I can continue my > weight loss journey and I know that it will not be an easy task. I may > hit a few bumps along the road but I need to stay the path because I am > tired of not recognizing the girl in the mirror. > > I apologize to all the group members for writing an entire novel about > why I became a member of this group. Once I began to write, it just > started to all spill out. I hope that members of this group can serve > as my support system and will help me throughout my quest to improve my > inner and outer self. > > Thank you. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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