my journey

[Guest guest]

Hello Everyone,

My name is a and I am 25 years old. I started listening to the pod

casts over 6 months ago and a few months ago I took the right step by

joining this group. However, I never participated in the group up until

now because my story is not something that is easy for me to talk about.

I have never been a skinny person, but in high school and my first few

years of college I was much skinnier than I am now. During my college

career I dated a few interesting characters but I never thought any of

them would harm me, I was wrong. In April 2008 I met up with someone

that I had previously dated after he had a couple of drinks in a local

bar. That night I was raped and to this day I'm pretty sure he still

does not remember any of it but that night is forever etched into my

memory.

My safety became one of my priorities when I was finishing college & I

moved into a gated apartment complex. After college I moved back in with

my parents and I will never forget the looks that my mother used to give

me. It was like she was expecting me to fall apart at any moment.

Since that event in my life I have gained 60-80 pounds. I have gone to

see a counselor multiple times to help me deal with my emotions. I have

also been a member of several different gyms and had a few personal

trainers. However, I found that even though I would lose a bit of weight

I always hit a brick wall and went back in the wrong direction.

I guess you can say that I have yet to come to terms with it. However,

after I began to listen to the podcasts a light bulb went off in my

head. I basically let myself eat my emotions throughout the years.

Furthermore, I think that I subconsciously allowed myself to do that

because I was hoping that if I gained weight I would be unattractive

enough on the outside that others would not want to hurt me like that

again.

I believe that the reason why I'm having such a hard time with my

weight loss is because I have not completely moved on and it's

affecting my progress. To move further in my weight loss journey I need

to be able to let go. However, in that quest I seem to have hit a brick

wall as well because I'm not sure where to begin. I honestly

don't know where to go from here.

Up to this point I have used avoidance as my style of coping. I keep

myself busy so that I do not have to think about it and deal with my

emotions. In the past, I got I used naps as my escape from reality. I

also found a demanding job that occupies most of my time and I avoid

going to functions where I could bump into him.

For example, this past year I planned to go to my college's

homecoming but once I decided that I would go I started having trouble

sleeping, nightmares & basically I felt most of the emotions that I felt

right after the event occurred. Once I decided not to go, I felt 100%

better.

I hate that over three years later I am avoid attending events that I

know he will be at. However, I know that I cannot change everything

overnight.

I need to be able to deal with my emotions so that I can continue my

weight loss journey and I know that it will not be an easy task. I may

hit a few bumps along the road but I need to stay the path because I am

tired of not recognizing the girl in the mirror.

I apologize to all the group members for writing an entire novel about

why I became a member of this group. Once I began to write, it just

started to all spill out. I hope that members of this group can serve

as my support system and will help me throughout my quest to improve my

inner and outer self.

Thank you.