Re: My (long) introduction--2.5 years overdue because I need help

[Guest guest]

Chloe, hang in there, you used 's methods successfully before, you can do

it again!  I'm also talking to myself as I lost 50 pounds when I first started

with 's podcasts and have gained back 45 pounds of it.  I too don't have

any close friends.  I have some friends that live far away and they are busy

with their own lives and don't communicate very often.  Would you like to be my

buddy?  If so, e-mail me back on my private e-mail altosusan@...

I did the work for the class and used Penzu as my method to journal.  I chose

that method because my penmanship is horrible due to tremors, which is a

side-effect of some meds I'm on.  They also have good encryption. 

Hoping to hear from you.

 

A

________________________________

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 7:54 AM

Subject: My (long) introduction--2.5 years overdue because

I need help

 

I have been monitoring this Yahoo group for a couple years now. I say

" monitoring " because I haven't been very active, and except for the rare post

since I joined, only lately have I been dipping my toe into the IOWL group

waters again. Years of self disgust caused me to isolate and withdraw from the

world. Sure, I go to work, and I don't skulk around wearing dark sunglasses and

a hooded sweatshirt like the Unabomber, but I do not have one single friend

outside my marriage. That makes me so sad! I pride myself on being independent

and self sufficient, but I now think I am very lonely. Still, I don't reach out

to anyone, and I am very reserved and aloof when others make friendly overtures,

always having an excuse why I can't do something. Sometimes it surprises me that

I am feel so alone, but why should people try when I reject them? I suspect I

emanate an overt " back off " vibe. 

This is very hard for me to say, but if I want to heal myself from the inside

out, I must say it. Part of that withdrawal comes from feeling angry and

resentful at the shock of what I let myself become. When you grow up caring only

about what other people think about you, your entire inner world changes, along

with your self worth, when those thoughts are obviously no longer good. I used

to be that girl that men would run to hold the door for--I even caused a traffic

accident in Madrid, hee! I was offered every job I interviewed for, got promoted

quickly, and people in services industries always rushed to help the pretty

girl. I was ambitious and worked hard, but looking good opened so many doors,

and I took that for granted for many years. In fact, it only fed into my

unhealthy sense of getting my self worth from external things, like the approval

of others, which was so important to me. That all came to a screeching halt

after I got fat. For the first

time in my life I experienced insults and men yelling mean things at me when

walking down the street, rather than hitting the car ahead of them from gawking.

I didn't get the job I interviewed for, even though I knew I was the most

qualified candidate. I got passed over for promotions or got very tiny raises. I

started to get exploited at work. And here's the irony: Even though I am

sometimes the fattest person in the room, I have become invisible. INVISIBLE!

Doors actually close in my face. So a large part of my rejection of other people

is so they can't reject me first. I have also become so very tired of having to

work even harder than normal to overcome those first impressions (fat people are

lazy, stupid ...). It's exhausting on every level, and I don't think I even stop

" performing " when I am alone. How messed up is that?

How did I change so drastically? I have never trusted my body, and I learned not

to trust myself because I did not feel worthy. That's thanks, in large part to

my mother,

but it didn't help that I came of age during Charlie's Angels and became a young

adult when supermodels were all the rage. I actually looked

good--no great--back then. I was extremely athletic, muscular, curvy,

and feminine. A nice, healthy 130 pounds on my 5'5 " frame. Without going into

the gritty details, I dieted my way up to more than 150 pounds overweight, and

each pound made me more and more sad, depressed, disgusted, and angry. 

I've carried that self loathing and anger around for a long time, nurtured it

like it was my baby, one I often wished someone would adopt! So I remember when

I discovered the podcasts--it was like they had been written specifically for

me. Get that monkey off your back. Forgive yourself. Trust your body. It took me

more than 50 episodes before I saw the connection to the Law of Attraction,

something I have believed in my entire life, long before I knew it was a

philosophy, but never quite knew how to implement it in my life. I have always

been a big-time daydreamer (could drive for hours with nothing but my thoughts),

but I am also a fixer, always looking for solutions and ways to improve things,

so these podcasts really spoke to me. Listening to them seemed to be enough for

me at the time. Everything I heard was new to me and so easy to incorporate it

into my life, but I didn't do the homework, and I certainly did not reach out to

anyone else doing

IOWL. I didn't need no steenkin' friends to help me lost weight!

I easily released 50 pounds when I started listening to the IOWL podcasts over a

period of about 6 months. I threw away my top-weight clothes and knew I had

found the answer--that it already existed inside me--and that I would never be

that fat again. But it didn't last. I remember the catalyst. My husband and I

took my parents to dinner for my mother's birthday. I decided to have dessert,

and I was so upset with myself the next day, I gave myself a case of The

Awfukits and slowly gained almost all of it all back.

To anyone new, please don't take my experience as the way it will be for you.

IOWL is NOT a diet and it is not like any weight loss plan I have ever seen. The

closest it gets from my reading (and, oh yes, I have read everything out there)

is the book Normal Eating, but 's message touched me more deeply, and in a

more practical way. She is a master at organizing thoughts in a useful,

meaningful, cohesive way. So why did I gain the weight back? Because I stopped

trusting my body again. I thought I needed to show it what's what and give it

some tough love. Love, ha. Add a bit of feeling sorry for myself, a lot of

black-and-white thinking, and I was on a roll again. Actually, I probably would

roll if I fell down, but we'll save that fun for another day.

So when says, " You must put in to get out, " she means it. I listened to a

podcast nearly every day on my drive to work, sometimes on the way home, and now

that I have heard them all, I shuffle them. But I stopped meditating, stopped

putting myself first, stopped taking time to exercise, stopped gardening (wha??

that's my passion!), and I didn't do much more than spotty journal work, which

surprised me most of all because I have a few Rubbermaid containers full of my

old journals. I used to dream of being a writer until the day I realized I

already was, so the journal part should come easy to me.

Something is preventing me from benefiting from IOWL. I sure wish I knew what it

was, but slowly getting back into it now, I feel a very VERY strong resistance,

and that scares me.

I am 48 and have a strong marriage of 9 years, no children except for the furry

kind, a career I love, and an all around blessed life. Both my parents are still

alive, though not exactly in vigorous health, and my only sibling has an

extremely successful career, though I know he's lonely, too. I don't think I

experienced sexual or physical abuse as a child, but my parents sucked away all

my brother's and my confidence at a very young age, which led us to make

chronically bad choices growing up because neither of us ever felt good enough.

I lived my life pretty much apologizing for everything I did. I'm sure many of

you know that little good comes from being a chronic people pleaser, especially

in that it's nearly impossible to develop a strong sense of self when you care

only about what other people think.

So here I am. Intellectually but not spiritually smarter about being a normal

eater, so not much closer to my goal. I don't know what I feel so much

resistance to IOWL this time, and I suspect I have at least one or more whopping

limiting beliefs, but I am at a loss as to how to identify them. Nothing comes

up when I ask myself other than the worthiness issue, but I'll grant that's a

big one. Not sure what to do about it, though. On the positive side, even though

I am still overfat, my relationships have improved since I started listening to

's podcasts, both at home and at work, and I feel a lot less anger and

resentment towards other people, so I have made at least some inroads. I am much

more tolerant and forgiving, and such release of control does not come easy to

perfectionists, but I bet you already know that. If only I could be tolerant and

forgiving of myself.

I want more. I deserve better. I signed up for 's class, but I should tell

you that I have not read past the introduction, and I haven't done a single

exercise from the homework assignment, and the first class is in 8 hours. I so

intended to do the work this time, so why this inner battle? I wish I knew. I'm

holding onto something I am afraid to let go, but I don't know what it is.

If you are still reading, thank you. I wrote this overly-long self introduction

because I am a rational person who cannot intellectualize this away anymore. I

don't know why I am resisting, probably because I don't want to feel whatever it

is I am supposed to feel, but I do at least accept I can't do it on my own or I

will forever be stuck where I am now.

I hated writing it down because I never admit weakness, and I rarely let anyone

know how I really feel (partly because I don't recognize feelings within myself)

unless I am being perpetually cheerful or overly self deprecating in a funny ha

ha way. *eye roll* But if I don't open up, I'll stay stuck inside my little

world full of disgust, recrimination and self reproach, and I assure you it

isn't a whole lot of fun in here.

Hi, my name is Chloe, and I need your help.

Here are my intentions:

1. Discover who I really am and what I want. I've been a chameleon for so long,

I truly have no idea.

2. Accept--no believe--in my head, heart, and gut that I am worthy and end a

lifetime of shame.

3. Discover my soul's gift and know that everything I need is already inside me.

4. Learn how to forgive myself more easily so I can quickly recover from slips.

5. Become a model of health and inner peace so my father asks what I am did to

get that way.

6. Feel comfortable in my own skin.

7. Feel joy again.

8. Be more grateful and mindful.

9. Feel at peace around food; it's only food, not the Holy Grail or skull and

crossbones

I would love to read about your thoughts, experiences, successes, stumbling

blocks, cautions, tips, and breakthroughs. And if any advice comes my way, don't

feel you have to pussyfoot around. I like blunt.

For those of you who have been doing this a long time and have found some

success and inner peace, I'd also be curious if anything in my message stands

out in particular. When I say I am starting at the beginning with hardly a clue,

I really mean it. I'm stuck.

OK, clicking SEND (typos and all) before I lose my nerve because I am this (

|---| ) close to not sending all this embarrassment.

[Guest guest]

Chloe,

 

I can relate to a LOT of what you shared.  Thank you for telling your story. 

 

Beverly  

________________________________

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 8:54 AM

Subject: My (long) introduction--2.5 years overdue because

I need help

 

I have been monitoring this Yahoo group for a couple years now. I say

" monitoring " because I haven't been very active, and except for the rare post

since I joined, only lately have I been dipping my toe into the IOWL group

waters again. Years of self disgust caused me to isolate and withdraw from the

world. Sure, I go to work, and I don't skulk around wearing dark sunglasses and

a hooded sweatshirt like the Unabomber, but I do not have one single friend

outside my marriage. That makes me so sad! I pride myself on being independent

and self sufficient, but I now think I am very lonely. Still, I don't reach out

to anyone, and I am very reserved and aloof when others make friendly overtures,

always having an excuse why I can't do something. Sometimes it surprises me that

I am feel so alone, but why should people try when I reject them? I suspect I

emanate an overt " back off " vibe. 

This is very hard for me to say, but if I want to heal myself from the inside

out, I must say it. Part of that withdrawal comes from feeling angry and

resentful at the shock of what I let myself become. When you grow up caring only

about what other people think about you, your entire inner world changes, along

with your self worth, when those thoughts are obviously no longer good. I used

to be that girl that men would run to hold the door for--I even caused a traffic

accident in Madrid, hee! I was offered every job I interviewed for, got promoted

quickly, and people in services industries always rushed to help the pretty

girl. I was ambitious and worked hard, but looking good opened so many doors,

and I took that for granted for many years. In fact, it only fed into my

unhealthy sense of getting my self worth from external things, like the approval

of others, which was so important to me. That all came to a screeching halt

after I got fat. For the first

time in my life I experienced insults and men yelling mean things at me when

walking down the street, rather than hitting the car ahead of them from gawking.

I didn't get the job I interviewed for, even though I knew I was the most

qualified candidate. I got passed over for promotions or got very tiny raises. I

started to get exploited at work. And here's the irony: Even though I am

sometimes the fattest person in the room, I have become invisible. INVISIBLE!

Doors actually close in my face. So a large part of my rejection of other people

is so they can't reject me first. I have also become so very tired of having to

work even harder than normal to overcome those first impressions (fat people are

lazy, stupid ...). It's exhausting on every level, and I don't think I even stop

" performing " when I am alone. How messed up is that?

How did I change so drastically? I have never trusted my body, and I learned not

to trust myself because I did not feel worthy. That's thanks, in large part to

my mother,

but it didn't help that I came of age during Charlie's Angels and became a young

adult when supermodels were all the rage. I actually looked

good--no great--back then. I was extremely athletic, muscular, curvy,

and feminine. A nice, healthy 130 pounds on my 5'5 " frame. Without going into

the gritty details, I dieted my way up to more than 150 pounds overweight, and

each pound made me more and more sad, depressed, disgusted, and angry. 

I've carried that self loathing and anger around for a long time, nurtured it

like it was my baby, one I often wished someone would adopt! So I remember when

I discovered the podcasts--it was like they had been written specifically for

me. Get that monkey off your back. Forgive yourself. Trust your body. It took me

more than 50 episodes before I saw the connection to the Law of Attraction,

something I have believed in my entire life, long before I knew it was a

philosophy, but never quite knew how to implement it in my life. I have always

been a big-time daydreamer (could drive for hours with nothing but my thoughts),

but I am also a fixer, always looking for solutions and ways to improve things,

so these podcasts really spoke to me. Listening to them seemed to be enough for

me at the time. Everything I heard was new to me and so easy to incorporate it

into my life, but I didn't do the homework, and I certainly did not reach out to

anyone else doing

IOWL. I didn't need no steenkin' friends to help me lost weight!

I easily released 50 pounds when I started listening to the IOWL podcasts over a

period of about 6 months. I threw away my top-weight clothes and knew I had

found the answer--that it already existed inside me--and that I would never be

that fat again. But it didn't last. I remember the catalyst. My husband and I

took my parents to dinner for my mother's birthday. I decided to have dessert,

and I was so upset with myself the next day, I gave myself a case of The

Awfukits and slowly gained almost all of it all back.

To anyone new, please don't take my experience as the way it will be for you.

IOWL is NOT a diet and it is not like any weight loss plan I have ever seen. The

closest it gets from my reading (and, oh yes, I have read everything out there)

is the book Normal Eating, but 's message touched me more deeply, and in a

more practical way. She is a master at organizing thoughts in a useful,

meaningful, cohesive way. So why did I gain the weight back? Because I stopped

trusting my body again. I thought I needed to show it what's what and give it

some tough love. Love, ha. Add a bit of feeling sorry for myself, a lot of

black-and-white thinking, and I was on a roll again. Actually, I probably would

roll if I fell down, but we'll save that fun for another day.

So when says, " You must put in to get out, " she means it. I listened to a

podcast nearly every day on my drive to work, sometimes on the way home, and now

that I have heard them all, I shuffle them. But I stopped meditating, stopped

putting myself first, stopped taking time to exercise, stopped gardening (wha??

that's my passion!), and I didn't do much more than spotty journal work, which

surprised me most of all because I have a few Rubbermaid containers full of my

old journals. I used to dream of being a writer until the day I realized I

already was, so the journal part should come easy to me.

Something is preventing me from benefiting from IOWL. I sure wish I knew what it

was, but slowly getting back into it now, I feel a very VERY strong resistance,

and that scares me.

I am 48 and have a strong marriage of 9 years, no children except for the furry

kind, a career I love, and an all around blessed life. Both my parents are still

alive, though not exactly in vigorous health, and my only sibling has an

extremely successful career, though I know he's lonely, too. I don't think I

experienced sexual or physical abuse as a child, but my parents sucked away all

my brother's and my confidence at a very young age, which led us to make

chronically bad choices growing up because neither of us ever felt good enough.

I lived my life pretty much apologizing for everything I did. I'm sure many of

you know that little good comes from being a chronic people pleaser, especially

in that it's nearly impossible to develop a strong sense of self when you care

only about what other people think.

So here I am. Intellectually but not spiritually smarter about being a normal

eater, so not much closer to my goal. I don't know what I feel so much

resistance to IOWL this time, and I suspect I have at least one or more whopping

limiting beliefs, but I am at a loss as to how to identify them. Nothing comes

up when I ask myself other than the worthiness issue, but I'll grant that's a

big one. Not sure what to do about it, though. On the positive side, even though

I am still overfat, my relationships have improved since I started listening to

's podcasts, both at home and at work, and I feel a lot less anger and

resentment towards other people, so I have made at least some inroads. I am much

more tolerant and forgiving, and such release of control does not come easy to

perfectionists, but I bet you already know that. If only I could be tolerant and

forgiving of myself.

I want more. I deserve better. I signed up for 's class, but I should tell

you that I have not read past the introduction, and I haven't done a single

exercise from the homework assignment, and the first class is in 8 hours. I so

intended to do the work this time, so why this inner battle? I wish I knew. I'm

holding onto something I am afraid to let go, but I don't know what it is.

If you are still reading, thank you. I wrote this overly-long self introduction

because I am a rational person who cannot intellectualize this away anymore. I

don't know why I am resisting, probably because I don't want to feel whatever it

is I am supposed to feel, but I do at least accept I can't do it on my own or I

will forever be stuck where I am now.

I hated writing it down because I never admit weakness, and I rarely let anyone

know how I really feel (partly because I don't recognize feelings within myself)

unless I am being perpetually cheerful or overly self deprecating in a funny ha

ha way. *eye roll* But if I don't open up, I'll stay stuck inside my little

world full of disgust, recrimination and self reproach, and I assure you it

isn't a whole lot of fun in here.

Hi, my name is Chloe, and I need your help.

Here are my intentions:

1. Discover who I really am and what I want. I've been a chameleon for so long,

I truly have no idea.

2. Accept--no believe--in my head, heart, and gut that I am worthy and end a

lifetime of shame.

3. Discover my soul's gift and know that everything I need is already inside me.

4. Learn how to forgive myself more easily so I can quickly recover from slips.

5. Become a model of health and inner peace so my father asks what I am did to

get that way.

6. Feel comfortable in my own skin.

7. Feel joy again.

8. Be more grateful and mindful.

9. Feel at peace around food; it's only food, not the Holy Grail or skull and

crossbones

I would love to read about your thoughts, experiences, successes, stumbling

blocks, cautions, tips, and breakthroughs. And if any advice comes my way, don't

feel you have to pussyfoot around. I like blunt.

For those of you who have been doing this a long time and have found some

success and inner peace, I'd also be curious if anything in my message stands

out in particular. When I say I am starting at the beginning with hardly a clue,

I really mean it. I'm stuck.

OK, clicking SEND (typos and all) before I lose my nerve because I am this (

|---| ) close to not sending all this embarrassment.

[Guest guest]

Chloe - Your introduction really resonates with me. You said so many things that

I can relate to such as that feeling of not being worthy and wanting to

withdraw from others. I am resentful and angry with myself because I have

gained this weight and I no longer feel attractive. This is something that I

have been currently trying to work on. I feel like I need to try to feel

attractive at this size since I won't lose weight overnight. But it is a

struggle. When I discovered the podcasts I felt like I had found the solution to

all of my problems. I was able to lose 20 pounds easily. But I also didn't put

in the work, just casually listening when I needed a boost and I find

myself wondering if there is something holding me back from losing the weight

that I have yet to discover. I also haven't done any homework yet for

Full-filled and have only made it to page 29  (away from motivations). I really

wanted to keep on top of this. I have the excuse

of being busy with work and life in general; I just know I can find time for

this but I don't. And I want to put as much energy into this as possible.

But I'm afraid I am already getting behind.

 

But I just wanted to say thank you for posting this because I could really

relate to alot of the things you said. Good luck with your journey! I hope you

find whatever it is that is holding you back from permanent weight loss.

________________________________

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 8:54 AM

Subject: My (long) introduction--2.5 years overdue because

I need help

 

I have been monitoring this Yahoo group for a couple years now. I say

" monitoring " because I haven't been very active, and except for the rare post

since I joined, only lately have I been dipping my toe into the IOWL group

waters again. Years of self disgust caused me to isolate and withdraw from the

world. Sure, I go to work, and I don't skulk around wearing dark sunglasses and

a hooded sweatshirt like the Unabomber, but I do not have one single friend

outside my marriage. That makes me so sad! I pride myself on being independent

and self sufficient, but I now think I am very lonely. Still, I don't reach out

to anyone, and I am very reserved and aloof when others make friendly overtures,

always having an excuse why I can't do something. Sometimes it surprises me that

I am feel so alone, but why should people try when I reject them? I suspect I

emanate an overt " back off " vibe. 

This is very hard for me to say, but if I want to heal myself from the inside

out, I must say it. Part of that withdrawal comes from feeling angry and

resentful at the shock of what I let myself become. When you grow up caring only

about what other people think about you, your entire inner world changes, along

with your self worth, when those thoughts are obviously no longer good. I used

to be that girl that men would run to hold the door for--I even caused a traffic

accident in Madrid, hee! I was offered every job I interviewed for, got promoted

quickly, and people in services industries always rushed to help the pretty

girl. I was ambitious and worked hard, but looking good opened so many doors,

and I took that for granted for many years. In fact, it only fed into my

unhealthy sense of getting my self worth from external things, like the approval

of others, which was so important to me. That all came to a screeching halt

after I got fat. For the first

time in my life I experienced insults and men yelling mean things at me when

walking down the street, rather than hitting the car ahead of them from gawking.

I didn't get the job I interviewed for, even though I knew I was the most

qualified candidate. I got passed over for promotions or got very tiny raises. I

started to get exploited at work. And here's the irony: Even though I am

sometimes the fattest person in the room, I have become invisible. INVISIBLE!

Doors actually close in my face. So a large part of my rejection of other people

is so they can't reject me first. I have also become so very tired of having to

work even harder than normal to overcome those first impressions (fat people are

lazy, stupid ...). It's exhausting on every level, and I don't think I even stop

" performing " when I am alone. How messed up is that?

How did I change so drastically? I have never trusted my body, and I learned not

to trust myself because I did not feel worthy. That's thanks, in large part to

my mother,

but it didn't help that I came of age during Charlie's Angels and became a young

adult when supermodels were all the rage. I actually looked

good--no great--back then. I was extremely athletic, muscular, curvy,

and feminine. A nice, healthy 130 pounds on my 5'5 " frame. Without going into

the gritty details, I dieted my way up to more than 150 pounds overweight, and

each pound made me more and more sad, depressed, disgusted, and angry. 

I've carried that self loathing and anger around for a long time, nurtured it

like it was my baby, one I often wished someone would adopt! So I remember when

I discovered the podcasts--it was like they had been written specifically for

me. Get that monkey off your back. Forgive yourself. Trust your body. It took me

more than 50 episodes before I saw the connection to the Law of Attraction,

something I have believed in my entire life, long before I knew it was a

philosophy, but never quite knew how to implement it in my life. I have always

been a big-time daydreamer (could drive for hours with nothing but my thoughts),

but I am also a fixer, always looking for solutions and ways to improve things,

so these podcasts really spoke to me. Listening to them seemed to be enough for

me at the time. Everything I heard was new to me and so easy to incorporate it

into my life, but I didn't do the homework, and I certainly did not reach out to

anyone else doing

IOWL. I didn't need no steenkin' friends to help me lost weight!

I easily released 50 pounds when I started listening to the IOWL podcasts over a

period of about 6 months. I threw away my top-weight clothes and knew I had

found the answer--that it already existed inside me--and that I would never be

that fat again. But it didn't last. I remember the catalyst. My husband and I

took my parents to dinner for my mother's birthday. I decided to have dessert,

and I was so upset with myself the next day, I gave myself a case of The

Awfukits and slowly gained almost all of it all back.

To anyone new, please don't take my experience as the way it will be for you.

IOWL is NOT a diet and it is not like any weight loss plan I have ever seen. The

closest it gets from my reading (and, oh yes, I have read everything out there)

is the book Normal Eating, but 's message touched me more deeply, and in a

more practical way. She is a master at organizing thoughts in a useful,

meaningful, cohesive way. So why did I gain the weight back? Because I stopped

trusting my body again. I thought I needed to show it what's what and give it

some tough love. Love, ha. Add a bit of feeling sorry for myself, a lot of

black-and-white thinking, and I was on a roll again. Actually, I probably would

roll if I fell down, but we'll save that fun for another day.

So when says, " You must put in to get out, " she means it. I listened to a

podcast nearly every day on my drive to work, sometimes on the way home, and now

that I have heard them all, I shuffle them. But I stopped meditating, stopped

putting myself first, stopped taking time to exercise, stopped gardening (wha??

that's my passion!), and I didn't do much more than spotty journal work, which

surprised me most of all because I have a few Rubbermaid containers full of my

old journals. I used to dream of being a writer until the day I realized I

already was, so the journal part should come easy to me.

Something is preventing me from benefiting from IOWL. I sure wish I knew what it

was, but slowly getting back into it now, I feel a very VERY strong resistance,

and that scares me.

I am 48 and have a strong marriage of 9 years, no children except for the furry

kind, a career I love, and an all around blessed life. Both my parents are still

alive, though not exactly in vigorous health, and my only sibling has an

extremely successful career, though I know he's lonely, too. I don't think I

experienced sexual or physical abuse as a child, but my parents sucked away all

my brother's and my confidence at a very young age, which led us to make

chronically bad choices growing up because neither of us ever felt good enough.

I lived my life pretty much apologizing for everything I did. I'm sure many of

you know that little good comes from being a chronic people pleaser, especially

in that it's nearly impossible to develop a strong sense of self when you care

only about what other people think.

So here I am. Intellectually but not spiritually smarter about being a normal

eater, so not much closer to my goal. I don't know what I feel so much

resistance to IOWL this time, and I suspect I have at least one or more whopping

limiting beliefs, but I am at a loss as to how to identify them. Nothing comes

up when I ask myself other than the worthiness issue, but I'll grant that's a

big one. Not sure what to do about it, though. On the positive side, even though

I am still overfat, my relationships have improved since I started listening to

's podcasts, both at home and at work, and I feel a lot less anger and

resentment towards other people, so I have made at least some inroads. I am much

more tolerant and forgiving, and such release of control does not come easy to

perfectionists, but I bet you already know that. If only I could be tolerant and

forgiving of myself.

I want more. I deserve better. I signed up for 's class, but I should tell

you that I have not read past the introduction, and I haven't done a single

exercise from the homework assignment, and the first class is in 8 hours. I so

intended to do the work this time, so why this inner battle? I wish I knew. I'm

holding onto something I am afraid to let go, but I don't know what it is.

If you are still reading, thank you. I wrote this overly-long self introduction

because I am a rational person who cannot intellectualize this away anymore. I

don't know why I am resisting, probably because I don't want to feel whatever it

is I am supposed to feel, but I do at least accept I can't do it on my own or I

will forever be stuck where I am now.

I hated writing it down because I never admit weakness, and I rarely let anyone

know how I really feel (partly because I don't recognize feelings within myself)

unless I am being perpetually cheerful or overly self deprecating in a funny ha

ha way. *eye roll* But if I don't open up, I'll stay stuck inside my little

world full of disgust, recrimination and self reproach, and I assure you it

isn't a whole lot of fun in here.

Hi, my name is Chloe, and I need your help.

Here are my intentions:

1. Discover who I really am and what I want. I've been a chameleon for so long,

I truly have no idea.

2. Accept--no believe--in my head, heart, and gut that I am worthy and end a

lifetime of shame.

3. Discover my soul's gift and know that everything I need is already inside me.

4. Learn how to forgive myself more easily so I can quickly recover from slips.

5. Become a model of health and inner peace so my father asks what I am did to

get that way.

6. Feel comfortable in my own skin.

7. Feel joy again.

8. Be more grateful and mindful.

9. Feel at peace around food; it's only food, not the Holy Grail or skull and

crossbones

I would love to read about your thoughts, experiences, successes, stumbling

blocks, cautions, tips, and breakthroughs. And if any advice comes my way, don't

feel you have to pussyfoot around. I like blunt.

For those of you who have been doing this a long time and have found some

success and inner peace, I'd also be curious if anything in my message stands

out in particular. When I say I am starting at the beginning with hardly a clue,

I really mean it. I'm stuck.

OK, clicking SEND (typos and all) before I lose my nerve because I am this (

|---| ) close to not sending all this embarrassment.

[Guest guest]

Hi Chloe --

You are very brave for writing this out. You are definitely a writer... I

felt your pain as you were getting it out. Did getting it out and down

help at all? I would think it probably felt a bit like pulling an infected

splinter -- it probably hurt like hell to do, but I bet you might be

feeling a little relief now.

I too was one of those who lurked here for quite some time before actually

stepping up and introducing myself and talking. The book was what did it

for me. I had listened to several podcasts and while they spoke to me and

I related to them (some of them made me cry, they were so powerful), it

just wasn't quite enough. The only answer I can give myself was, I wasn't

ready then.

I'm ready now.

I can't explain that shift, but it happened the day after Christmas. I

simply woke up and said " enough. " I didn't wait until New Years, I didn't

even wait until that night when I received the book on my Kindle. I signed

up for a free app that helps me track calories and exercise. It also

reports my weigh-ins and exercise to facebook. When the app started

posting, I was blown away by the people coming out of the woodwork to

support me. When the book arrived, I dug right in. I chose a friend to be

my buddy, someone who struggles like I do. She's not ready yet, but she's

a good listener and she relates to my struggle. The other night I actually

talked her through a food crisis. She's also doing Zumba... I think she's

learning through me a bit.

I didn't just post a photo in my journal, I posted that bad boy on

facebook, complete with my starting weight -- 295 lbs. I was just grateful

that I had never actually passed that 300 lb mark. The only other time in

my life I have been this heavy was when I was 9 months pregnant with my

daughter and developed high blood pressure and suddenly started retaining

water like nobody's business. I was actually worried that some idiot might

post it on the web to make fun of me, but instead I got about 50 likes and

a huge string of comments about how brave I am.

I made this public. I'm devoted to it. I won't back down.

I want it.

You have to want it too. That's not something anyone else can do for you.

Attend the class, even if you didn't do the homework. She's not going to

fail you or throw you out. It's okay. And really dig into Chapter 2

because there's a lot of stuff in there I think you really need to hear.

I'm glad you're here.

Amelia

> **

>

>

> I have been monitoring this Yahoo group for a couple years now. I say

> " monitoring " because I haven't been very active, and except for the rare

> post since I joined, only lately have I been dipping my toe into the IOWL

> group waters again. Years of self disgust caused me to isolate and withdraw

> from the world. Sure, I go to work, and I don't skulk around wearing dark

> sunglasses and a hooded sweatshirt like the Unabomber, but I do not have

> one single friend outside my marriage. That makes me so sad! I pride myself

> on being independent and self sufficient, but I now think I am very lonely.

> Still, I don't reach out to anyone, and I am very reserved and aloof when

> others make friendly overtures, always having an excuse why I can't do

> something. Sometimes it surprises me that I am feel so alone, but why

> should people try when I reject them? I suspect I emanate an overt " back

> off " vibe.

>

> This is very hard for me to say, but if I want to heal myself from the

> inside out, I must say it. Part of that withdrawal comes from feeling angry

> and resentful at the shock of what I let myself become. When you grow up

> caring only about what other people think about you, your entire inner

> world changes, along with your self worth, when those thoughts are

> obviously no longer good. I used to be that girl that men would run to hold

> the door for--I even caused a traffic accident in Madrid, hee! I was

> offered every job I interviewed for, got promoted quickly, and people in

> services industries always rushed to help the pretty girl. I was ambitious

> and worked hard, but looking good opened so many doors, and I took that for

> granted for many years. In fact, it only fed into my unhealthy sense of

> getting my self worth from external things, like the approval of others,

> which was so important to me. That all came to a screeching halt after I

> got fat. For the first

> time in my life I experienced insults and men yelling mean things at me

> when walking down the street, rather than hitting the car ahead of them

> from gawking. I didn't get the job I interviewed for, even though I knew I

> was the most qualified candidate. I got passed over for promotions or got

> very tiny raises. I started to get exploited at work. And here's the irony:

> Even though I am sometimes the fattest person in the room, I have become

> invisible. INVISIBLE! Doors actually close in my face. So a large part of

> my rejection of other people is so they can't reject me first. I have also

> become so very tired of having to work even harder than normal to overcome

> those first impressions (fat people are lazy, stupid ...). It's exhausting

> on every level, and I don't think I even stop " performing " when I am alone.

> How messed up is that?

>

> How did I change so drastically? I have never trusted my body, and I

> learned not to trust myself because I did not feel worthy. That's thanks,

> in large part to my mother,

> but it didn't help that I came of age during Charlie's Angels and became a

> young adult when supermodels were all the rage. I actually looked

> good--no great--back then. I was extremely athletic, muscular, curvy,

> and feminine. A nice, healthy 130 pounds on my 5'5 " frame. Without going

> into the gritty details, I dieted my way up to more than 150 pounds

> overweight, and each pound made me more and more sad, depressed, disgusted,

> and angry.

>

> I've carried that self loathing and anger around for a long time, nurtured

> it like it was my baby, one I often wished someone would adopt! So I

> remember when I discovered the podcasts--it was like they had been written

> specifically for me. Get that monkey off your back. Forgive yourself. Trust

> your body. It took me more than 50 episodes before I saw the connection to

> the Law of Attraction, something I have believed in my entire life, long

> before I knew it was a philosophy, but never quite knew how to implement it

> in my life. I have always been a big-time daydreamer (could drive for hours

> with nothing but my thoughts), but I am also a fixer, always looking for

> solutions and ways to improve things, so these podcasts really spoke to me.

> Listening to them seemed to be enough for me at the time. Everything I

> heard was new to me and so easy to incorporate it into my life, but I

> didn't do the homework, and I certainly did not reach out to anyone else

> doing

> IOWL. I didn't need no steenkin' friends to help me lost weight!

>

> I easily released 50 pounds when I started listening to the IOWL podcasts

> over a period of about 6 months. I threw away my top-weight clothes and

> knew I had found the answer--that it already existed inside me--and that I

> would never be that fat again. But it didn't last. I remember the catalyst.

> My husband and I took my parents to dinner for my mother's birthday. I

> decided to have dessert, and I was so upset with myself the next day, I

> gave myself a case of The Awfukits and slowly gained almost all of it all

> back.

>

> To anyone new, please don't take my experience as the way it will be for

> you. IOWL is NOT a diet and it is not like any weight loss plan I have ever

> seen. The closest it gets from my reading (and, oh yes, I have read

> everything out there) is the book Normal Eating, but 's message

> touched me more deeply, and in a more practical way. She is a master at

> organizing thoughts in a useful, meaningful, cohesive way. So why did I

> gain the weight back? Because I stopped trusting my body again. I thought I

> needed to show it what's what and give it some tough love. Love, ha. Add a

> bit of feeling sorry for myself, a lot of black-and-white thinking, and I

> was on a roll again. Actually, I probably would roll if I fell down, but

> we'll save that fun for another day.

>

> So when says, " You must put in to get out, " she means it. I listened

> to a podcast nearly every day on my drive to work, sometimes on the way

> home, and now that I have heard them all, I shuffle them. But I stopped

> meditating, stopped putting myself first, stopped taking time to exercise,

> stopped gardening (wha?? that's my passion!), and I didn't do much more

> than spotty journal work, which surprised me most of all because I have a

> few Rubbermaid containers full of my old journals. I used to dream of being

> a writer until the day I realized I already was, so the journal part should

> come easy to me.

>

> Something is preventing me from benefiting from IOWL. I sure wish I knew

> what it was, but slowly getting back into it now, I feel a very VERY strong

> resistance, and that scares me.

>

> I am 48 and have a strong marriage of 9 years, no children except for the

> furry kind, a career I love, and an all around blessed life. Both my

> parents are still alive, though not exactly in vigorous health, and my only

> sibling has an extremely successful career, though I know he's lonely, too.

> I don't think I experienced sexual or physical abuse as a child, but my

> parents sucked away all my brother's and my confidence at a very young age,

> which led us to make chronically bad choices growing up because neither of

> us ever felt good enough. I lived my life pretty much apologizing for

> everything I did. I'm sure many of you know that little good comes from

> being a chronic people pleaser, especially in that it's nearly impossible

> to develop a strong sense of self when you care only about what other

> people think.

>

> So here I am. Intellectually but not spiritually smarter about being a

> normal eater, so not much closer to my goal. I don't know what I feel so

> much resistance to IOWL this time, and I suspect I have at least one or

> more whopping limiting beliefs, but I am at a loss as to how to identify

> them. Nothing comes up when I ask myself other than the worthiness issue,

> but I'll grant that's a big one. Not sure what to do about it, though. On

> the positive side, even though I am still overfat, my relationships have

> improved since I started listening to 's podcasts, both at home and at

> work, and I feel a lot less anger and resentment towards other people, so I

> have made at least some inroads. I am much more tolerant and forgiving, and

> such release of control does not come easy to perfectionists, but I bet you

> already know that. If only I could be tolerant and forgiving of myself.

>

> I want more. I deserve better. I signed up for 's class, but I should

> tell you that I have not read past the introduction, and I haven't done a

> single exercise from the homework assignment, and the first class is in 8

> hours. I so intended to do the work this time, so why this inner battle? I

> wish I knew. I'm holding onto something I am afraid to let go, but I don't

> know what it is.

>

> If you are still reading, thank you. I wrote this overly-long self

> introduction because I am a rational person who cannot intellectualize this

> away anymore. I don't know why I am resisting, probably because I don't

> want to feel whatever it is I am supposed to feel, but I do at least accept

> I can't do it on my own or I will forever be stuck where I am now.

>

> I hated writing it down because I never admit weakness, and I rarely let

> anyone know how I really feel (partly because I don't recognize feelings

> within myself) unless I am being perpetually cheerful or overly self

> deprecating in a funny ha ha way. *eye roll* But if I don't open up, I'll

> stay stuck inside my little world full of disgust, recrimination and self

> reproach, and I assure you it isn't a whole lot of fun in here.

>

> Hi, my name is Chloe, and I need your help.

>

> Here are my intentions:

>

> 1. Discover who I really am and what I want. I've been a chameleon for so

> long, I truly have no idea.

>

> 2. Accept--no believe--in my head, heart, and gut that I am worthy and end

> a lifetime of shame.

> 3. Discover my soul's gift and know that everything I need is already

> inside me.

> 4. Learn how to forgive myself more easily so I can quickly recover from

> slips.

>

> 5. Become a model of health and inner peace so my father asks what I am

> did to get that way.

> 6. Feel comfortable in my own skin.

> 7. Feel joy again.

> 8. Be more grateful and mindful.

> 9. Feel at peace around food; it's only food, not the Holy Grail or skull

> and crossbones

>

> I would love to read about your thoughts, experiences, successes,

> stumbling blocks, cautions, tips, and breakthroughs. And if any advice

> comes my way, don't feel you have to pussyfoot around. I like blunt.

>

> For those of you who have been doing this a long time and have found some

> success and inner peace, I'd also be curious if anything in my message

> stands out in particular. When I say I am starting at the beginning with

> hardly a clue, I really mean it. I'm stuck.

>

> OK, clicking SEND (typos and all) before I lose my nerve because I am this

> ( |---| ) close to not sending all this embarrassment.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Chloe..

Hello and welcome!

I agree with Amelia...participate in the session you have signed up for with

and do whatever YOU feel like doing. This is a session to help

yourself...you yourself so you should participate as much as you feel

comfortable.

I have been listening to the podcasts for over two years now and even though I

have not lost any weight, I have not gained either but my life has changed in so

many ways...I do think that the podcasts are more about loving yourself first

and foremost...becoming comfortable in your own skin...feeling good about the

inside and the change on the outside will start to happen.

I am eating very healthy foods nowadays, exercising consistently, but even

better I have allowed my authentic self to shine through and it feels great to

be myself. 's

Thanks so much for sharing with us. I know it feels great to get it out but it

also helps us as a lot of us have similar feelings and it helps us to discover

aspects about ourselves as well.

I hope you continue to participate on our weight loss journies.

Hugs..

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 8:22 PM

Subject: Re: My (long) introduction--2.5 years overdue

because I need help

 

Hi Chloe --

You are very brave for writing this out. You are definitely a writer... I

felt your pain as you were getting it out. Did getting it out and down

help at all? I would think it probably felt a bit like pulling an infected

splinter -- it probably hurt like hell to do, but I bet you might be

feeling a little relief now.

I too was one of those who lurked here for quite some time before actually

stepping up and introducing myself and talking. The book was what did it

for me. I had listened to several podcasts and while they spoke to me and

I related to them (some of them made me cry, they were so powerful), it

just wasn't quite enough. The only answer I can give myself was, I wasn't

ready then.

I'm ready now.

I can't explain that shift, but it happened the day after Christmas. I

simply woke up and said " enough. " I didn't wait until New Years, I didn't

even wait until that night when I received the book on my Kindle. I signed

up for a free app that helps me track calories and exercise. It also

reports my weigh-ins and exercise to facebook. When the app started

posting, I was blown away by the people coming out of the woodwork to

support me. When the book arrived, I dug right in. I chose a friend to be

my buddy, someone who struggles like I do. She's not ready yet, but she's

a good listener and she relates to my struggle. The other night I actually

talked her through a food crisis. She's also doing Zumba... I think she's

learning through me a bit.

I didn't just post a photo in my journal, I posted that bad boy on

facebook, complete with my starting weight -- 295 lbs. I was just grateful

that I had never actually passed that 300 lb mark. The only other time in

my life I have been this heavy was when I was 9 months pregnant with my

daughter and developed high blood pressure and suddenly started retaining

water like nobody's business. I was actually worried that some idiot might

post it on the web to make fun of me, but instead I got about 50 likes and

a huge string of comments about how brave I am.

I made this public. I'm devoted to it. I won't back down.

I want it.

You have to want it too. That's not something anyone else can do for you.

Attend the class, even if you didn't do the homework. She's not going to

fail you or throw you out. It's okay. And really dig into Chapter 2

because there's a lot of stuff in there I think you really need to hear.

I'm glad you're here.

Amelia

> **

>

>

> I have been monitoring this Yahoo group for a couple years now. I say

> " monitoring " because I haven't been very active, and except for the rare

> post since I joined, only lately have I been dipping my toe into the IOWL

> group waters again. Years of self disgust caused me to isolate and withdraw

> from the world. Sure, I go to work, and I don't skulk around wearing dark

> sunglasses and a hooded sweatshirt like the Unabomber, but I do not have

> one single friend outside my marriage. That makes me so sad! I pride myself

> on being independent and self sufficient, but I now think I am very lonely.

> Still, I don't reach out to anyone, and I am very reserved and aloof when

> others make friendly overtures, always having an excuse why I can't do

> something. Sometimes it surprises me that I am feel so alone, but why

> should people try when I reject them? I suspect I emanate an overt " back

> off " vibe.

>

> This is very hard for me to say, but if I want to heal myself from the

> inside out, I must say it. Part of that withdrawal comes from feeling angry

> and resentful at the shock of what I let myself become. When you grow up

> caring only about what other people think about you, your entire inner

> world changes, along with your self worth, when those thoughts are

> obviously no longer good. I used to be that girl that men would run to hold

> the door for--I even caused a traffic accident in Madrid, hee! I was

> offered every job I interviewed for, got promoted quickly, and people in

> services industries always rushed to help the pretty girl. I was ambitious

> and worked hard, but looking good opened so many doors, and I took that for

> granted for many years. In fact, it only fed into my unhealthy sense of

> getting my self worth from external things, like the approval of others,

> which was so important to me. That all came to a screeching halt after I

> got fat. For the first

> time in my life I experienced insults and men yelling mean things at me

> when walking down the street, rather than hitting the car ahead of them

> from gawking. I didn't get the job I interviewed for, even though I knew I

> was the most qualified candidate. I got passed over for promotions or got

> very tiny raises. I started to get exploited at work. And here's the irony:

> Even though I am sometimes the fattest person in the room, I have become

> invisible. INVISIBLE! Doors actually close in my face. So a large part of

> my rejection of other people is so they can't reject me first. I have also

> become so very tired of having to work even harder than normal to overcome

> those first impressions (fat people are lazy, stupid ...). It's exhausting

> on every level, and I don't think I even stop " performing " when I am alone.

> How messed up is that?

>

> How did I change so drastically? I have never trusted my body, and I

> learned not to trust myself because I did not feel worthy. That's thanks,

> in large part to my mother,

> but it didn't help that I came of age during Charlie's Angels and became a

> young adult when supermodels were all the rage. I actually looked

> good--no great--back then. I was extremely athletic, muscular, curvy,

> and feminine. A nice, healthy 130 pounds on my 5'5 " frame. Without going

> into the gritty details, I dieted my way up to more than 150 pounds

> overweight, and each pound made me more and more sad, depressed, disgusted,

> and angry.

>

> I've carried that self loathing and anger around for a long time, nurtured

> it like it was my baby, one I often wished someone would adopt! So I

> remember when I discovered the podcasts--it was like they had been written

> specifically for me. Get that monkey off your back. Forgive yourself. Trust

> your body. It took me more than 50 episodes before I saw the connection to

> the Law of Attraction, something I have believed in my entire life, long

> before I knew it was a philosophy, but never quite knew how to implement it

> in my life. I have always been a big-time daydreamer (could drive for hours

> with nothing but my thoughts), but I am also a fixer, always looking for

> solutions and ways to improve things, so these podcasts really spoke to me.

> Listening to them seemed to be enough for me at the time. Everything I

> heard was new to me and so easy to incorporate it into my life, but I

> didn't do the homework, and I certainly did not reach out to anyone else

> doing

> IOWL. I didn't need no steenkin' friends to help me lost weight!

>

> I easily released 50 pounds when I started listening to the IOWL podcasts

> over a period of about 6 months. I threw away my top-weight clothes and

> knew I had found the answer--that it already existed inside me--and that I

> would never be that fat again. But it didn't last. I remember the catalyst.

> My husband and I took my parents to dinner for my mother's birthday. I

> decided to have dessert, and I was so upset with myself the next day, I

> gave myself a case of The Awfukits and slowly gained almost all of it all

> back.

>

> To anyone new, please don't take my experience as the way it will be for

> you. IOWL is NOT a diet and it is not like any weight loss plan I have ever

> seen. The closest it gets from my reading (and, oh yes, I have read

> everything out there) is the book Normal Eating, but 's message

> touched me more deeply, and in a more practical way. She is a master at

> organizing thoughts in a useful, meaningful, cohesive way. So why did I

> gain the weight back? Because I stopped trusting my body again. I thought I

> needed to show it what's what and give it some tough love. Love, ha. Add a

> bit of feeling sorry for myself, a lot of black-and-white thinking, and I

> was on a roll again. Actually, I probably would roll if I fell down, but

> we'll save that fun for another day.

>

> So when says, " You must put in to get out, " she means it. I listened

> to a podcast nearly every day on my drive to work, sometimes on the way

> home, and now that I have heard them all, I shuffle them. But I stopped

> meditating, stopped putting myself first, stopped taking time to exercise,

> stopped gardening (wha?? that's my passion!), and I didn't do much more

> than spotty journal work, which surprised me most of all because I have a

> few Rubbermaid containers full of my old journals. I used to dream of being

> a writer until the day I realized I already was, so the journal part should

> come easy to me.

>

> Something is preventing me from benefiting from IOWL. I sure wish I knew

> what it was, but slowly getting back into it now, I feel a very VERY strong

> resistance, and that scares me.

>

> I am 48 and have a strong marriage of 9 years, no children except for the

> furry kind, a career I love, and an all around blessed life. Both my

> parents are still alive, though not exactly in vigorous health, and my only

> sibling has an extremely successful career, though I know he's lonely, too.

> I don't think I experienced sexual or physical abuse as a child, but my

> parents sucked away all my brother's and my confidence at a very young age,

> which led us to make chronically bad choices growing up because neither of

> us ever felt good enough. I lived my life pretty much apologizing for

> everything I did. I'm sure many of you know that little good comes from

> being a chronic people pleaser, especially in that it's nearly impossible

> to develop a strong sense of self when you care only about what other

> people think.

>

> So here I am. Intellectually but not spiritually smarter about being a

> normal eater, so not much closer to my goal. I don't know what I feel so

> much resistance to IOWL this time, and I suspect I have at least one or

> more whopping limiting beliefs, but I am at a loss as to how to identify

> them. Nothing comes up when I ask myself other than the worthiness issue,

> but I'll grant that's a big one. Not sure what to do about it, though. On

> the positive side, even though I am still overfat, my relationships have

> improved since I started listening to 's podcasts, both at home and at

> work, and I feel a lot less anger and resentment towards other people, so I

> have made at least some inroads. I am much more tolerant and forgiving, and

> such release of control does not come easy to perfectionists, but I bet you

> already know that. If only I could be tolerant and forgiving of myself.

>

> I want more. I deserve better. I signed up for 's class, but I should

> tell you that I have not read past the introduction, and I haven't done a

> single exercise from the homework assignment, and the first class is in 8

> hours. I so intended to do the work this time, so why this inner battle? I

> wish I knew. I'm holding onto something I am afraid to let go, but I don't

> know what it is.

>

> If you are still reading, thank you. I wrote this overly-long self

> introduction because I am a rational person who cannot intellectualize this

> away anymore. I don't know why I am resisting, probably because I don't

> want to feel whatever it is I am supposed to feel, but I do at least accept

> I can't do it on my own or I will forever be stuck where I am now.

>

> I hated writing it down because I never admit weakness, and I rarely let

> anyone know how I really feel (partly because I don't recognize feelings

> within myself) unless I am being perpetually cheerful or overly self

> deprecating in a funny ha ha way. *eye roll* But if I don't open up, I'll

> stay stuck inside my little world full of disgust, recrimination and self

> reproach, and I assure you it isn't a whole lot of fun in here.

>

> Hi, my name is Chloe, and I need your help.

>

> Here are my intentions:

>

> 1. Discover who I really am and what I want. I've been a chameleon for so

> long, I truly have no idea.

>

> 2. Accept--no believe--in my head, heart, and gut that I am worthy and end

> a lifetime of shame.

> 3. Discover my soul's gift and know that everything I need is already

> inside me.

> 4. Learn how to forgive myself more easily so I can quickly recover from

> slips.

>

> 5. Become a model of health and inner peace so my father asks what I am

> did to get that way.

> 6. Feel comfortable in my own skin.

> 7. Feel joy again.

> 8. Be more grateful and mindful.

> 9. Feel at peace around food; it's only food, not the Holy Grail or skull

> and crossbones

>

> I would love to read about your thoughts, experiences, successes,

> stumbling blocks, cautions, tips, and breakthroughs. And if any advice

> comes my way, don't feel you have to pussyfoot around. I like blunt.

>

> For those of you who have been doing this a long time and have found some

> success and inner peace, I'd also be curious if anything in my message

> stands out in particular. When I say I am starting at the beginning with

> hardly a clue, I really mean it. I'm stuck.

>

> OK, clicking SEND (typos and all) before I lose my nerve because I am this

> ( |---| ) close to not sending all this embarrassment.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Brava, Chloe! So many of your self-condemning words and phrases are the same I

use on myself. I, too, am doing the work with the intentions and all, but I am

stuck. I am wondering if there is some deeply subconscious fear that keeps me

from making gains. I, too, need to get back into regular meditation. That's my

greatest hope for getting past that.

Stick with us--we need each other!

Marcia

________________________________

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 8:54 AM

Subject: My (long) introduction--2.5 years overdue because

I need help

 

I have been monitoring this Yahoo group for a couple years now. I say

" monitoring " because I haven't been very active, and except for the rare post

since I joined, only lately have I been dipping my toe into the IOWL group

waters again. Years of self disgust caused me to isolate and withdraw from the

world. Sure, I go to work, and I don't skulk around wearing dark sunglasses and

a hooded sweatshirt like the Unabomber, but I do not have one single friend

outside my marriage. That makes me so sad! I pride myself on being independent

and self sufficient, but I now think I am very lonely. Still, I don't reach out

to anyone, and I am very reserved and aloof when others make friendly overtures,

always having an excuse why I can't do something. Sometimes it surprises me that

I am feel so alone, but why should people try when I reject them? I suspect I

emanate an overt " back off " vibe. 

This is very hard for me to say, but if I want to heal myself from the inside

out, I must say it. Part of that withdrawal comes from feeling angry and

resentful at the shock of what I let myself become. When you grow up caring only

about what other people think about you, your entire inner world changes, along

with your self worth, when those thoughts are obviously no longer good. I used

to be that girl that men would run to hold the door for--I even caused a traffic

accident in Madrid, hee! I was offered every job I interviewed for, got promoted

quickly, and people in services industries always rushed to help the pretty

girl. I was ambitious and worked hard, but looking good opened so many doors,

and I took that for granted for many years. In fact, it only fed into my

unhealthy sense of getting my self worth from external things, like the approval

of others, which was so important to me. That all came to a screeching halt

after I got fat. For the first

time in my life I experienced insults and men yelling mean things at me when

walking down the street, rather than hitting the car ahead of them from gawking.

I didn't get the job I interviewed for, even though I knew I was the most

qualified candidate. I got passed over for promotions or got very tiny raises. I

started to get exploited at work. And here's the irony: Even though I am

sometimes the fattest person in the room, I have become invisible. INVISIBLE!

Doors actually close in my face. So a large part of my rejection of other people

is so they can't reject me first. I have also become so very tired of having to

work even harder than normal to overcome those first impressions (fat people are

lazy, stupid ...). It's exhausting on every level, and I don't think I even stop

" performing " when I am alone. How messed up is that?

How did I change so drastically? I have never trusted my body, and I learned not

to trust myself because I did not feel worthy. That's thanks, in large part to

my mother,

but it didn't help that I came of age during Charlie's Angels and became a young

adult when supermodels were all the rage. I actually looked

good--no great--back then. I was extremely athletic, muscular, curvy,

and feminine. A nice, healthy 130 pounds on my 5'5 " frame. Without going into

the gritty details, I dieted my way up to more than 150 pounds overweight, and

each pound made me more and more sad, depressed, disgusted, and angry. 

I've carried that self loathing and anger around for a long time, nurtured it

like it was my baby, one I often wished someone would adopt! So I remember when

I discovered the podcasts--it was like they had been written specifically for

me. Get that monkey off your back. Forgive yourself. Trust your body. It took me

more than 50 episodes before I saw the connection to the Law of Attraction,

something I have believed in my entire life, long before I knew it was a

philosophy, but never quite knew how to implement it in my life. I have always

been a big-time daydreamer (could drive for hours with nothing but my thoughts),

but I am also a fixer, always looking for solutions and ways to improve things,

so these podcasts really spoke to me. Listening to them seemed to be enough for

me at the time. Everything I heard was new to me and so easy to incorporate it

into my life, but I didn't do the homework, and I certainly did not reach out to

anyone else doing

IOWL. I didn't need no steenkin' friends to help me lost weight!

I easily released 50 pounds when I started listening to the IOWL podcasts over a

period of about 6 months. I threw away my top-weight clothes and knew I had

found the answer--that it already existed inside me--and that I would never be

that fat again. But it didn't last. I remember the catalyst. My husband and I

took my parents to dinner for my mother's birthday. I decided to have dessert,

and I was so upset with myself the next day, I gave myself a case of The

Awfukits and slowly gained almost all of it all back.

To anyone new, please don't take my experience as the way it will be for you.

IOWL is NOT a diet and it is not like any weight loss plan I have ever seen. The

closest it gets from my reading (and, oh yes, I have read everything out there)

is the book Normal Eating, but 's message touched me more deeply, and in a

more practical way. She is a master at organizing thoughts in a useful,

meaningful, cohesive way. So why did I gain the weight back? Because I stopped

trusting my body again. I thought I needed to show it what's what and give it

some tough love. Love, ha. Add a bit of feeling sorry for myself, a lot of

black-and-white thinking, and I was on a roll again. Actually, I probably would

roll if I fell down, but we'll save that fun for another day.

So when says, " You must put in to get out, " she means it. I listened to a

podcast nearly every day on my drive to work, sometimes on the way home, and now

that I have heard them all, I shuffle them. But I stopped meditating, stopped

putting myself first, stopped taking time to exercise, stopped gardening (wha??

that's my passion!), and I didn't do much more than spotty journal work, which

surprised me most of all because I have a few Rubbermaid containers full of my

old journals. I used to dream of being a writer until the day I realized I

already was, so the journal part should come easy to me.

Something is preventing me from benefiting from IOWL. I sure wish I knew what it

was, but slowly getting back into it now, I feel a very VERY strong resistance,

and that scares me.

I am 48 and have a strong marriage of 9 years, no children except for the furry

kind, a career I love, and an all around blessed life. Both my parents are still

alive, though not exactly in vigorous health, and my only sibling has an

extremely successful career, though I know he's lonely, too. I don't think I

experienced sexual or physical abuse as a child, but my parents sucked away all

my brother's and my confidence at a very young age, which led us to make

chronically bad choices growing up because neither of us ever felt good enough.

I lived my life pretty much apologizing for everything I did. I'm sure many of

you know that little good comes from being a chronic people pleaser, especially

in that it's nearly impossible to develop a strong sense of self when you care

only about what other people think.

So here I am. Intellectually but not spiritually smarter about being a normal

eater, so not much closer to my goal. I don't know what I feel so much

resistance to IOWL this time, and I suspect I have at least one or more whopping

limiting beliefs, but I am at a loss as to how to identify them. Nothing comes

up when I ask myself other than the worthiness issue, but I'll grant that's a

big one. Not sure what to do about it, though. On the positive side, even though

I am still overfat, my relationships have improved since I started listening to

's podcasts, both at home and at work, and I feel a lot less anger and

resentment towards other people, so I have made at least some inroads. I am much

more tolerant and forgiving, and such release of control does not come easy to

perfectionists, but I bet you already know that. If only I could be tolerant and

forgiving of myself.

I want more. I deserve better. I signed up for 's class, but I should tell

you that I have not read past the introduction, and I haven't done a single

exercise from the homework assignment, and the first class is in 8 hours. I so

intended to do the work this time, so why this inner battle? I wish I knew. I'm

holding onto something I am afraid to let go, but I don't know what it is.

If you are still reading, thank you. I wrote this overly-long self introduction

because I am a rational person who cannot intellectualize this away anymore. I

don't know why I am resisting, probably because I don't want to feel whatever it

is I am supposed to feel, but I do at least accept I can't do it on my own or I

will forever be stuck where I am now.

I hated writing it down because I never admit weakness, and I rarely let anyone

know how I really feel (partly because I don't recognize feelings within myself)

unless I am being perpetually cheerful or overly self deprecating in a funny ha

ha way. *eye roll* But if I don't open up, I'll stay stuck inside my little

world full of disgust, recrimination and self reproach, and I assure you it

isn't a whole lot of fun in here.

Hi, my name is Chloe, and I need your help.

Here are my intentions:

1. Discover who I really am and what I want. I've been a chameleon for so long,

I truly have no idea.

2. Accept--no believe--in my head, heart, and gut that I am worthy and end a

lifetime of shame.

3. Discover my soul's gift and know that everything I need is already inside me.

4. Learn how to forgive myself more easily so I can quickly recover from slips.

5. Become a model of health and inner peace so my father asks what I am did to

get that way.

6. Feel comfortable in my own skin.

7. Feel joy again.

8. Be more grateful and mindful.

9. Feel at peace around food; it's only food, not the Holy Grail or skull and

crossbones

I would love to read about your thoughts, experiences, successes, stumbling

blocks, cautions, tips, and breakthroughs. And if any advice comes my way, don't

feel you have to pussyfoot around. I like blunt.

For those of you who have been doing this a long time and have found some

success and inner peace, I'd also be curious if anything in my message stands

out in particular. When I say I am starting at the beginning with hardly a clue,

I really mean it. I'm stuck.

OK, clicking SEND (typos and all) before I lose my nerve because I am this (

|---| ) close to not sending all this embarrassment.

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for your responses. I feel very blessed and very touched that

there are such caring people in this group. Of course I knew that because I have

been reading right along, though I admit there was a time when I deleted

messages without reading.

I had a feeling my story might resonate with some of you because I can't help

but think that many of us end up in a very similar emotional place.

Amelia wanted to know if it was hard for me to write my intro, and I can tell

you that I *almost* cried. It sounds so pathetic, but I am so tightly controlled

(except for my eating, obviously), I rarely even cry. Maybe I need a good

snot-flowing blubbering to cleans all the evils out of my system, but I did

actually FEEL something when I was writing, so that's good, right? Not in a

gushy-feel-sorry-for-myself way, but I was mourning the little girl/young woman

I used to be without an self esteem--or sense of self for that matter. I feel

very fortunate that I wasn't a fat child. I sometimes carried an extra 15 pounds

in later years, but I didn't become medically/morbidly obese until my mid 30s,

but the lack of self esteem was present from as young as 5 years old, and when I

was 15 pounds overweight I might as well have been 150 pounds overweight.

What I left out of my story was anorexia (14-16) and bulimia--the bad

binge/purge kind from 18-30). I believe I was barfing up not food but hatred,

anger, and disgust. It was when I told myself I would no longer allow myself to

throw up that the weight slowly started coming on.  

I loved reading about Amelia's shift and the fact that she knows she's ready.

And OMG, posting a photo on Facebook--that takes guts! I am in awe. I long for

that inner a-ha moment myself and I am hoping the class and interacting with all

of you FOR REAL and with honesty helps jar something loose in my head. I can be

very stubborn and rigid, but that should surprise no one, least of me, the

person who sees only black and white.

I am glad that ev has found her authentic self and isn't afraid to show it. I

think parts of me come out, but no one knows who I really am because I am so

guarded. My husband probably comes closest because he is extremely intuitive,

but I don't share my pain with him because it's mine and I see no point in

burdening others. It's not me being a martyr as much as not wanting to focus on

the negative. Maybe I need to, but not with him. And all talk therapy wants to

do is talk about my mother, and oh lord I do not want to go down that dark and

twisty path! This may sounds weird, but I don't want to look back. I don't much

see the point. Will that stop me from releasing the weight? I hope not because I

don't see how dredging up old hurts will hurt me now. Can't I just to a generic

release into the wind?? I am the kind of person who likes to start fresh,

forgive and forget, move on, make some progress now. Feel good NOW. 

Time to do some work before the IOWL call in 90 minutes.

xChloe

P.S. I hope I didn't make it sound like the podcasts haven't helped me,

especially because I gained weight back. They have benefited my life in so many

other

ways, which is why I just scratch my head over the whole stupid weight

thing, but I hope to figure that out soon. Someone else said it didn't take hold

until she started doing the work, so I know what I have to do.

________________________________

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 2:17 PM

Subject: Re: My (long) introduction--2.5 years overdue

because I need help

 

Chloe..

Hello and welcome!

I agree with Amelia...participate in the session you have signed up for with

and do whatever YOU feel like doing. This is a session to help

yourself...you yourself so you should participate as much as you feel

comfortable.

I have been listening to the podcasts for over two years now and even though I

have not lost any weight, I have not gained either but my life has changed in so

many ways...I do think that the podcasts are more about loving yourself first

and foremost...becoming comfortable in your own skin...feeling good about the

inside and the change on the outside will start to happen.

I am eating very healthy foods nowadays, exercising consistently, but even

better I have allowed my authentic self to shine through and it feels great to

be myself. 's

Thanks so much for sharing with us. I know it feels great to get it out but it

also helps us as a lot of us have similar feelings and it helps us to discover

aspects about ourselves as well.

I hope you continue to participate on our weight loss journies.

Hugs..

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 8:22 PM

Subject: Re: My (long) introduction--2.5 years overdue

because I need help

 

Hi Chloe --

You are very brave for writing this out. You are definitely a writer... I

felt your pain as you were getting it out. Did getting it out and down

help at all? I would think it probably felt a bit like pulling an infected

splinter -- it probably hurt like hell to do, but I bet you might be

feeling a little relief now.

I too was one of those who lurked here for quite some time before actually

stepping up and introducing myself and talking. The book was what did it

for me. I had listened to several podcasts and while they spoke to me and

I related to them (some of them made me cry, they were so powerful), it

just wasn't quite enough. The only answer I can give myself was, I wasn't

ready then.

I'm ready now.

I can't explain that shift, but it happened the day after Christmas. I

simply woke up and said " enough. " I didn't wait until New Years, I didn't

even wait until that night when I received the book on my Kindle. I signed

up for a free app that helps me track calories and exercise. It also

reports my weigh-ins and exercise to facebook. When the app started

posting, I was blown away by the people coming out of the woodwork to

support me. When the book arrived, I dug right in. I chose a friend to be

my buddy, someone who struggles like I do. She's not ready yet, but she's

a good listener and she relates to my struggle. The other night I actually

talked her through a food crisis. She's also doing Zumba... I think she's

learning through me a bit.

I didn't just post a photo in my journal, I posted that bad boy on

facebook, complete with my starting weight -- 295 lbs. I was just grateful

that I had never actually passed that 300 lb mark. The only other time in

my life I have been this heavy was when I was 9 months pregnant with my

daughter and developed high blood pressure and suddenly started retaining

water like nobody's business. I was actually worried that some idiot might

post it on the web to make fun of me, but instead I got about 50 likes and

a huge string of comments about how brave I am.

I made this public. I'm devoted to it. I won't back down.

I want it.

You have to want it too. That's not something anyone else can do for you.

Attend the class, even if you didn't do the homework. She's not going to

fail you or throw you out. It's okay. And really dig into Chapter 2

because there's a lot of stuff in there I think you really need to hear.

I'm glad you're here.

Amelia

> **

>

>

> I have been monitoring this Yahoo group for a couple years now. I say

> " monitoring " because I haven't been very active, and except for the rare

> post since I joined, only lately have I been dipping my toe into the IOWL

> group waters again. Years of self disgust caused me to isolate and withdraw

> from the world. Sure, I go to work, and I don't skulk around wearing dark

> sunglasses and a hooded sweatshirt like the Unabomber, but I do not have

> one single friend outside my marriage. That makes me so sad! I pride myself

> on being independent and self sufficient, but I now think I am very lonely.

> Still, I don't reach out to anyone, and I am very reserved and aloof when

> others make friendly overtures, always having an excuse why I can't do

> something. Sometimes it surprises me that I am feel so alone, but why

> should people try when I reject them? I suspect I emanate an overt " back

> off " vibe.

>

> This is very hard for me to say, but if I want to heal myself from the

> inside out, I must say it. Part of that withdrawal comes from feeling angry

> and resentful at the shock of what I let myself become. When you grow up

> caring only about what other people think about you, your entire inner

> world changes, along with your self worth, when those thoughts are

> obviously no longer good. I used to be that girl that men would run to hold

> the door for--I even caused a traffic accident in Madrid, hee! I was

> offered every job I interviewed for, got promoted quickly, and people in

> services industries always rushed to help the pretty girl. I was ambitious

> and worked hard, but looking good opened so many doors, and I took that for

> granted for many years. In fact, it only fed into my unhealthy sense of

> getting my self worth from external things, like the approval of others,

> which was so important to me. That all came to a screeching halt after I

> got fat. For the first

> time in my life I experienced insults and men yelling mean things at me

> when walking down the street, rather than hitting the car ahead of them

> from gawking. I didn't get the job I interviewed for, even though I knew I

> was the most qualified candidate. I got passed over for promotions or got

> very tiny raises. I started to get exploited at work. And here's the irony:

> Even though I am sometimes the fattest person in the room, I have become

> invisible. INVISIBLE! Doors actually close in my face. So a large part of

> my rejection of other people is so they can't reject me first. I have also

> become so very tired of having to work even harder than normal to overcome

> those first impressions (fat people are lazy, stupid ...). It's exhausting

> on every level, and I don't think I even stop " performing " when I am alone.

> How messed up is that?

>

> How did I change so drastically? I have never trusted my body, and I

> learned not to trust myself because I did not feel worthy. That's thanks,

> in large part to my mother,

> but it didn't help that I came of age during Charlie's Angels and became a

> young adult when supermodels were all the rage. I actually looked

> good--no great--back then. I was extremely athletic, muscular, curvy,

> and feminine. A nice, healthy 130 pounds on my 5'5 " frame. Without going

> into the gritty details, I dieted my way up to more than 150 pounds

> overweight, and each pound made me more and more sad, depressed, disgusted,

> and angry.

>

> I've carried that self loathing and anger around for a long time, nurtured

> it like it was my baby, one I often wished someone would adopt! So I

> remember when I discovered the podcasts--it was like they had been written

> specifically for me. Get that monkey off your back. Forgive yourself. Trust

> your body. It took me more than 50 episodes before I saw the connection to

> the Law of Attraction, something I have believed in my entire life, long

> before I knew it was a philosophy, but never quite knew how to implement it

> in my life. I have always been a big-time daydreamer (could drive for hours

> with nothing but my thoughts), but I am also a fixer, always looking for

> solutions and ways to improve things, so these podcasts really spoke to me.

> Listening to them seemed to be enough for me at the time. Everything I

> heard was new to me and so easy to incorporate it into my life, but I

> didn't do the homework, and I certainly did not reach out to anyone else

> doing

> IOWL. I didn't need no steenkin' friends to help me lost weight!

>

> I easily released 50 pounds when I started listening to the IOWL podcasts

> over a period of about 6 months. I threw away my top-weight clothes and

> knew I had found the answer--that it already existed inside me--and that I

> would never be that fat again. But it didn't last. I remember the catalyst.

> My husband and I took my parents to dinner for my mother's birthday. I

> decided to have dessert, and I was so upset with myself the next day, I

> gave myself a case of The Awfukits and slowly gained almost all of it all

> back.

>

> To anyone new, please don't take my experience as the way it will be for

> you. IOWL is NOT a diet and it is not like any weight loss plan I have ever

> seen. The closest it gets from my reading (and, oh yes, I have read

> everything out there) is the book Normal Eating, but 's message

> touched me more deeply, and in a more practical way. She is a master at

> organizing thoughts in a useful, meaningful, cohesive way. So why did I

> gain the weight back? Because I stopped trusting my body again. I thought I

> needed to show it what's what and give it some tough love. Love, ha. Add a

> bit of feeling sorry for myself, a lot of black-and-white thinking, and I

> was on a roll again. Actually, I probably would roll if I fell down, but

> we'll save that fun for another day.

>

> So when says, " You must put in to get out, " she means it. I listened

> to a podcast nearly every day on my drive to work, sometimes on the way

> home, and now that I have heard them all, I shuffle them. But I stopped

> meditating, stopped putting myself first, stopped taking time to exercise,

> stopped gardening (wha?? that's my passion!), and I didn't do much more

> than spotty journal work, which surprised me most of all because I have a

> few Rubbermaid containers full of my old journals. I used to dream of being

> a writer until the day I realized I already was, so the journal part should

> come easy to me.

>

> Something is preventing me from benefiting from IOWL. I sure wish I knew

> what it was, but slowly getting back into it now, I feel a very VERY strong

> resistance, and that scares me.

>

> I am 48 and have a strong marriage of 9 years, no children except for the

> furry kind, a career I love, and an all around blessed life. Both my

> parents are still alive, though not exactly in vigorous health, and my only

> sibling has an extremely successful career, though I know he's lonely, too.

> I don't think I experienced sexual or physical abuse as a child, but my

> parents sucked away all my brother's and my confidence at a very young age,

> which led us to make chronically bad choices growing up because neither of

> us ever felt good enough. I lived my life pretty much apologizing for

> everything I did. I'm sure many of you know that little good comes from

> being a chronic people pleaser, especially in that it's nearly impossible

> to develop a strong sense of self when you care only about what other

> people think.

>

> So here I am. Intellectually but not spiritually smarter about being a

> normal eater, so not much closer to my goal. I don't know what I feel so

> much resistance to IOWL this time, and I suspect I have at least one or

> more whopping limiting beliefs, but I am at a loss as to how to identify

> them. Nothing comes up when I ask myself other than the worthiness issue,

> but I'll grant that's a big one. Not sure what to do about it, though. On

> the positive side, even though I am still overfat, my relationships have

> improved since I started listening to 's podcasts, both at home and at

> work, and I feel a lot less anger and resentment towards other people, so I

> have made at least some inroads. I am much more tolerant and forgiving, and

> such release of control does not come easy to perfectionists, but I bet you

> already know that. If only I could be tolerant and forgiving of myself.

>

> I want more. I deserve better. I signed up for 's class, but I should

> tell you that I have not read past the introduction, and I haven't done a

> single exercise from the homework assignment, and the first class is in 8

> hours. I so intended to do the work this time, so why this inner battle? I

> wish I knew. I'm holding onto something I am afraid to let go, but I don't

> know what it is.

>

> If you are still reading, thank you. I wrote this overly-long self

> introduction because I am a rational person who cannot intellectualize this

> away anymore. I don't know why I am resisting, probably because I don't

> want to feel whatever it is I am supposed to feel, but I do at least accept

> I can't do it on my own or I will forever be stuck where I am now.

>

> I hated writing it down because I never admit weakness, and I rarely let

> anyone know how I really feel (partly because I don't recognize feelings

> within myself) unless I am being perpetually cheerful or overly self

> deprecating in a funny ha ha way. *eye roll* But if I don't open up, I'll

> stay stuck inside my little world full of disgust, recrimination and self

> reproach, and I assure you it isn't a whole lot of fun in here.

>

> Hi, my name is Chloe, and I need your help.

>

> Here are my intentions:

>

> 1. Discover who I really am and what I want. I've been a chameleon for so

> long, I truly have no idea.

>

> 2. Accept--no believe--in my head, heart, and gut that I am worthy and end

> a lifetime of shame.

> 3. Discover my soul's gift and know that everything I need is already

> inside me.

> 4. Learn how to forgive myself more easily so I can quickly recover from

> slips.

>

> 5. Become a model of health and inner peace so my father asks what I am

> did to get that way.

> 6. Feel comfortable in my own skin.

> 7. Feel joy again.

> 8. Be more grateful and mindful.

> 9. Feel at peace around food; it's only food, not the Holy Grail or skull

> and crossbones

>

> I would love to read about your thoughts, experiences, successes,

> stumbling blocks, cautions, tips, and breakthroughs. And if any advice

> comes my way, don't feel you have to pussyfoot around. I like blunt.

>

> For those of you who have been doing this a long time and have found some

> success and inner peace, I'd also be curious if anything in my message

> stands out in particular. When I say I am starting at the beginning with

> hardly a clue, I really mean it. I'm stuck.

>

> OK, clicking SEND (typos and all) before I lose my nerve because I am this

> ( |---| ) close to not sending all this embarrassment.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Chloe,

 

I am at work right now and I can't properly respond but I did not want the

moment to pass without acknowledging your honesty and how it has touched me. 

 

Will try and come back later with a thought or two, but welcome.

  Livingston

________________________________

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 1:17 PM

Subject: Re: My (long) introduction--2.5 years overdue

because I need help

 

Chloe..

Hello and welcome!

I agree with Amelia...participate in the session you have signed up for with

and do whatever YOU feel like doing. This is a session to help

yourself...you yourself so you should participate as much as you feel

comfortable.

I have been listening to the podcasts for over two years now and even though I

have not lost any weight, I have not gained either but my life has changed in so

many ways...I do think that the podcasts are more about loving yourself first

and foremost...becoming comfortable in your own skin...feeling good about the

inside and the change on the outside will start to happen.

I am eating very healthy foods nowadays, exercising consistently, but even

better I have allowed my authentic self to shine through and it feels great to

be myself. 's

Thanks so much for sharing with us. I know it feels great to get it out but it

also helps us as a lot of us have similar feelings and it helps us to discover

aspects about ourselves as well.

I hope you continue to participate on our weight loss journies.

Hugs..

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 8:22 PM

Subject: Re: My (long) introduction--2.5 years overdue

because I need help

 

Hi Chloe --

You are very brave for writing this out. You are definitely a writer... I

felt your pain as you were getting it out. Did getting it out and down

help at all? I would think it probably felt a bit like pulling an infected

splinter -- it probably hurt like hell to do, but I bet you might be

feeling a little relief now.

I too was one of those who lurked here for quite some time before actually

stepping up and introducing myself and talking. The book was what did it

for me. I had listened to several podcasts and while they spoke to me and

I related to them (some of them made me cry, they were so powerful), it

just wasn't quite enough. The only answer I can give myself was, I wasn't

ready then.

I'm ready now.

I can't explain that shift, but it happened the day after Christmas. I

simply woke up and said " enough. " I didn't wait until New Years, I didn't

even wait until that night when I received the book on my Kindle. I signed

up for a free app that helps me track calories and exercise. It also

reports my weigh-ins and exercise to facebook. When the app started

posting, I was blown away by the people coming out of the woodwork to

support me. When the book arrived, I dug right in. I chose a friend to be

my buddy, someone who struggles like I do. She's not ready yet, but she's

a good listener and she relates to my struggle. The other night I actually

talked her through a food crisis. She's also doing Zumba... I think she's

learning through me a bit.

I didn't just post a photo in my journal, I posted that bad boy on

facebook, complete with my starting weight -- 295 lbs. I was just grateful

that I had never actually passed that 300 lb mark. The only other time in

my life I have been this heavy was when I was 9 months pregnant with my

daughter and developed high blood pressure and suddenly started retaining

water like nobody's business. I was actually worried that some idiot might

post it on the web to make fun of me, but instead I got about 50 likes and

a huge string of comments about how brave I am.

I made this public. I'm devoted to it. I won't back down.

I want it.

You have to want it too. That's not something anyone else can do for you.

Attend the class, even if you didn't do the homework. She's not going to

fail you or throw you out. It's okay. And really dig into Chapter 2

because there's a lot of stuff in there I think you really need to hear.

I'm glad you're here.

Amelia

> **

>

>

> I have been monitoring this Yahoo group for a couple years now. I say

> " monitoring " because I haven't been very active, and except for the rare

> post since I joined, only lately have I been dipping my toe into the IOWL

> group waters again. Years of self disgust caused me to isolate and withdraw

> from the world. Sure, I go to work, and I don't skulk around wearing dark

> sunglasses and a hooded sweatshirt like the Unabomber, but I do not have

> one single friend outside my marriage. That makes me so sad! I pride myself

> on being independent and self sufficient, but I now think I am very lonely.

> Still, I don't reach out to anyone, and I am very reserved and aloof when

> others make friendly overtures, always having an excuse why I can't do

> something. Sometimes it surprises me that I am feel so alone, but why

> should people try when I reject them? I suspect I emanate an overt " back

> off " vibe.

>

> This is very hard for me to say, but if I want to heal myself from the

> inside out, I must say it. Part of that withdrawal comes from feeling angry

> and resentful at the shock of what I let myself become. When you grow up

> caring only about what other people think about you, your entire inner

> world changes, along with your self worth, when those thoughts are

> obviously no longer good. I used to be that girl that men would run to hold

> the door for--I even caused a traffic accident in Madrid, hee! I was

> offered every job I interviewed for, got promoted quickly, and people in

> services industries always rushed to help the pretty girl. I was ambitious

> and worked hard, but looking good opened so many doors, and I took that for

> granted for many years. In fact, it only fed into my unhealthy sense of

> getting my self worth from external things, like the approval of others,

> which was so important to me. That all came to a screeching halt after I

> got fat. For the first

> time in my life I experienced insults and men yelling mean things at me

> when walking down the street, rather than hitting the car ahead of them

> from gawking. I didn't get the job I interviewed for, even though I knew I

> was the most qualified candidate. I got passed over for promotions or got

> very tiny raises. I started to get exploited at work. And here's the irony:

> Even though I am sometimes the fattest person in the room, I have become

> invisible. INVISIBLE! Doors actually close in my face. So a large part of

> my rejection of other people is so they can't reject me first. I have also

> become so very tired of having to work even harder than normal to overcome

> those first impressions (fat people are lazy, stupid ...). It's exhausting

> on every level, and I don't think I even stop " performing " when I am alone.

> How messed up is that?

>

> How did I change so drastically? I have never trusted my body, and I

> learned not to trust myself because I did not feel worthy. That's thanks,

> in large part to my mother,

> but it didn't help that I came of age during Charlie's Angels and became a

> young adult when supermodels were all the rage. I actually looked

> good--no great--back then. I was extremely athletic, muscular, curvy,

> and feminine. A nice, healthy 130 pounds on my 5'5 " frame. Without going

> into the gritty details, I dieted my way up to more than 150 pounds

> overweight, and each pound made me more and more sad, depressed, disgusted,

> and angry.

>

> I've carried that self loathing and anger around for a long time, nurtured

> it like it was my baby, one I often wished someone would adopt! So I

> remember when I discovered the podcasts--it was like they had been written

> specifically for me. Get that monkey off your back. Forgive yourself. Trust

> your body. It took me more than 50 episodes before I saw the connection to

> the Law of Attraction, something I have believed in my entire life, long

> before I knew it was a philosophy, but never quite knew how to implement it

> in my life. I have always been a big-time daydreamer (could drive for hours

> with nothing but my thoughts), but I am also a fixer, always looking for

> solutions and ways to improve things, so these podcasts really spoke to me.

> Listening to them seemed to be enough for me at the time. Everything I

> heard was new to me and so easy to incorporate it into my life, but I

> didn't do the homework, and I certainly did not reach out to anyone else

> doing

> IOWL. I didn't need no steenkin' friends to help me lost weight!

>

> I easily released 50 pounds when I started listening to the IOWL podcasts

> over a period of about 6 months. I threw away my top-weight clothes and

> knew I had found the answer--that it already existed inside me--and that I

> would never be that fat again. But it didn't last. I remember the catalyst.

> My husband and I took my parents to dinner for my mother's birthday. I

> decided to have dessert, and I was so upset with myself the next day, I

> gave myself a case of The Awfukits and slowly gained almost all of it all

> back.

>

> To anyone new, please don't take my experience as the way it will be for

> you. IOWL is NOT a diet and it is not like any weight loss plan I have ever

> seen. The closest it gets from my reading (and, oh yes, I have read

> everything out there) is the book Normal Eating, but 's message

> touched me more deeply, and in a more practical way. She is a master at

> organizing thoughts in a useful, meaningful, cohesive way. So why did I

> gain the weight back? Because I stopped trusting my body again. I thought I

> needed to show it what's what and give it some tough love. Love, ha. Add a

> bit of feeling sorry for myself, a lot of black-and-white thinking, and I

> was on a roll again. Actually, I probably would roll if I fell down, but

> we'll save that fun for another day.

>

> So when says, " You must put in to get out, " she means it. I listened

> to a podcast nearly every day on my drive to work, sometimes on the way

> home, and now that I have heard them all, I shuffle them. But I stopped

> meditating, stopped putting myself first, stopped taking time to exercise,

> stopped gardening (wha?? that's my passion!), and I didn't do much more

> than spotty journal work, which surprised me most of all because I have a

> few Rubbermaid containers full of my old journals. I used to dream of being

> a writer until the day I realized I already was, so the journal part should

> come easy to me.

>

> Something is preventing me from benefiting from IOWL. I sure wish I knew

> what it was, but slowly getting back into it now, I feel a very VERY strong

> resistance, and that scares me.

>

> I am 48 and have a strong marriage of 9 years, no children except for the

> furry kind, a career I love, and an all around blessed life. Both my

> parents are still alive, though not exactly in vigorous health, and my only

> sibling has an extremely successful career, though I know he's lonely, too.

> I don't think I experienced sexual or physical abuse as a child, but my

> parents sucked away all my brother's and my confidence at a very young age,

> which led us to make chronically bad choices growing up because neither of

> us ever felt good enough. I lived my life pretty much apologizing for

> everything I did. I'm sure many of you know that little good comes from

> being a chronic people pleaser, especially in that it's nearly impossible

> to develop a strong sense of self when you care only about what other

> people think.

>

> So here I am. Intellectually but not spiritually smarter about being a

> normal eater, so not much closer to my goal. I don't know what I feel so

> much resistance to IOWL this time, and I suspect I have at least one or

> more whopping limiting beliefs, but I am at a loss as to how to identify

> them. Nothing comes up when I ask myself other than the worthiness issue,

> but I'll grant that's a big one. Not sure what to do about it, though. On

> the positive side, even though I am still overfat, my relationships have

> improved since I started listening to 's podcasts, both at home and at

> work, and I feel a lot less anger and resentment towards other people, so I

> have made at least some inroads. I am much more tolerant and forgiving, and

> such release of control does not come easy to perfectionists, but I bet you

> already know that. If only I could be tolerant and forgiving of myself.

>

> I want more. I deserve better. I signed up for 's class, but I should

> tell you that I have not read past the introduction, and I haven't done a

> single exercise from the homework assignment, and the first class is in 8

> hours. I so intended to do the work this time, so why this inner battle? I

> wish I knew. I'm holding onto something I am afraid to let go, but I don't

> know what it is.

>

> If you are still reading, thank you. I wrote this overly-long self

> introduction because I am a rational person who cannot intellectualize this

> away anymore. I don't know why I am resisting, probably because I don't

> want to feel whatever it is I am supposed to feel, but I do at least accept

> I can't do it on my own or I will forever be stuck where I am now.

>

> I hated writing it down because I never admit weakness, and I rarely let

> anyone know how I really feel (partly because I don't recognize feelings

> within myself) unless I am being perpetually cheerful or overly self

> deprecating in a funny ha ha way. *eye roll* But if I don't open up, I'll

> stay stuck inside my little world full of disgust, recrimination and self

> reproach, and I assure you it isn't a whole lot of fun in here.

>

> Hi, my name is Chloe, and I need your help.

>

> Here are my intentions:

>

> 1. Discover who I really am and what I want. I've been a chameleon for so

> long, I truly have no idea.

>

> 2. Accept--no believe--in my head, heart, and gut that I am worthy and end

> a lifetime of shame.

> 3. Discover my soul's gift and know that everything I need is already

> inside me.

> 4. Learn how to forgive myself more easily so I can quickly recover from

> slips.

>

> 5. Become a model of health and inner peace so my father asks what I am

> did to get that way.

> 6. Feel comfortable in my own skin.

> 7. Feel joy again.

> 8. Be more grateful and mindful.

> 9. Feel at peace around food; it's only food, not the Holy Grail or skull

> and crossbones

>

> I would love to read about your thoughts, experiences, successes,

> stumbling blocks, cautions, tips, and breakthroughs. And if any advice

> comes my way, don't feel you have to pussyfoot around. I like blunt.

>

> For those of you who have been doing this a long time and have found some

> success and inner peace, I'd also be curious if anything in my message

> stands out in particular. When I say I am starting at the beginning with

> hardly a clue, I really mean it. I'm stuck.

>

> OK, clicking SEND (typos and all) before I lose my nerve because I am this

> ( |---| ) close to not sending all this embarrassment.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Amelia--

 

Talk about brave.  Wow.  You Rock.  I am excited to follow your journey.

  Livingston

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 12:22 PM

Subject: Re: My (long) introduction--2.5 years overdue

because I need help

 

Hi Chloe --

You are very brave for writing this out. You are definitely a writer... I

felt your pain as you were getting it out. Did getting it out and down

help at all? I would think it probably felt a bit like pulling an infected

splinter -- it probably hurt like hell to do, but I bet you might be

feeling a little relief now.

I too was one of those who lurked here for quite some time before actually

stepping up and introducing myself and talking. The book was what did it

for me. I had listened to several podcasts and while they spoke to me and

I related to them (some of them made me cry, they were so powerful), it

just wasn't quite enough. The only answer I can give myself was, I wasn't

ready then.

I'm ready now.

I can't explain that shift, but it happened the day after Christmas. I

simply woke up and said " enough. " I didn't wait until New Years, I didn't

even wait until that night when I received the book on my Kindle. I signed

up for a free app that helps me track calories and exercise. It also

reports my weigh-ins and exercise to facebook. When the app started

posting, I was blown away by the people coming out of the woodwork to

support me. When the book arrived, I dug right in. I chose a friend to be

my buddy, someone who struggles like I do. She's not ready yet, but she's

a good listener and she relates to my struggle. The other night I actually

talked her through a food crisis. She's also doing Zumba... I think she's

learning through me a bit.

I didn't just post a photo in my journal, I posted that bad boy on

facebook, complete with my starting weight -- 295 lbs. I was just grateful

that I had never actually passed that 300 lb mark. The only other time in

my life I have been this heavy was when I was 9 months pregnant with my

daughter and developed high blood pressure and suddenly started retaining

water like nobody's business. I was actually worried that some idiot might

post it on the web to make fun of me, but instead I got about 50 likes and

a huge string of comments about how brave I am.

I made this public. I'm devoted to it. I won't back down.

I want it.

You have to want it too. That's not something anyone else can do for you.

Attend the class, even if you didn't do the homework. She's not going to

fail you or throw you out. It's okay. And really dig into Chapter 2

because there's a lot of stuff in there I think you really need to hear.

I'm glad you're here.

Amelia

> **

>

>

> I have been monitoring this Yahoo group for a couple years now. I say

> " monitoring " because I haven't been very active, and except for the rare

> post since I joined, only lately have I been dipping my toe into the IOWL

> group waters again. Years of self disgust caused me to isolate and withdraw

> from the world. Sure, I go to work, and I don't skulk around wearing dark

> sunglasses and a hooded sweatshirt like the Unabomber, but I do not have

> one single friend outside my marriage. That makes me so sad! I pride myself

> on being independent and self sufficient, but I now think I am very lonely.

> Still, I don't reach out to anyone, and I am very reserved and aloof when

> others make friendly overtures, always having an excuse why I can't do

> something. Sometimes it surprises me that I am feel so alone, but why

> should people try when I reject them? I suspect I emanate an overt " back

> off " vibe.

>

> This is very hard for me to say, but if I want to heal myself from the

> inside out, I must say it. Part of that withdrawal comes from feeling angry

> and resentful at the shock of what I let myself become. When you grow up

> caring only about what other people think about you, your entire inner

> world changes, along with your self worth, when those thoughts are

> obviously no longer good. I used to be that girl that men would run to hold

> the door for--I even caused a traffic accident in Madrid, hee! I was

> offered every job I interviewed for, got promoted quickly, and people in

> services industries always rushed to help the pretty girl. I was ambitious

> and worked hard, but looking good opened so many doors, and I took that for

> granted for many years. In fact, it only fed into my unhealthy sense of

> getting my self worth from external things, like the approval of others,

> which was so important to me. That all came to a screeching halt after I

> got fat. For the first

> time in my life I experienced insults and men yelling mean things at me

> when walking down the street, rather than hitting the car ahead of them

> from gawking. I didn't get the job I interviewed for, even though I knew I

> was the most qualified candidate. I got passed over for promotions or got

> very tiny raises. I started to get exploited at work. And here's the irony:

> Even though I am sometimes the fattest person in the room, I have become

> invisible. INVISIBLE! Doors actually close in my face. So a large part of

> my rejection of other people is so they can't reject me first. I have also

> become so very tired of having to work even harder than normal to overcome

> those first impressions (fat people are lazy, stupid ...). It's exhausting

> on every level, and I don't think I even stop " performing " when I am alone.

> How messed up is that?

>

> How did I change so drastically? I have never trusted my body, and I

> learned not to trust myself because I did not feel worthy. That's thanks,

> in large part to my mother,

> but it didn't help that I came of age during Charlie's Angels and became a

> young adult when supermodels were all the rage. I actually looked

> good--no great--back then. I was extremely athletic, muscular, curvy,

> and feminine. A nice, healthy 130 pounds on my 5'5 " frame. Without going

> into the gritty details, I dieted my way up to more than 150 pounds

> overweight, and each pound made me more and more sad, depressed, disgusted,

> and angry.

>

> I've carried that self loathing and anger around for a long time, nurtured

> it like it was my baby, one I often wished someone would adopt! So I

> remember when I discovered the podcasts--it was like they had been written

> specifically for me. Get that monkey off your back. Forgive yourself. Trust

> your body. It took me more than 50 episodes before I saw the connection to

> the Law of Attraction, something I have believed in my entire life, long

> before I knew it was a philosophy, but never quite knew how to implement it

> in my life. I have always been a big-time daydreamer (could drive for hours

> with nothing but my thoughts), but I am also a fixer, always looking for

> solutions and ways to improve things, so these podcasts really spoke to me.

> Listening to them seemed to be enough for me at the time. Everything I

> heard was new to me and so easy to incorporate it into my life, but I

> didn't do the homework, and I certainly did not reach out to anyone else

> doing

> IOWL. I didn't need no steenkin' friends to help me lost weight!

>

> I easily released 50 pounds when I started listening to the IOWL podcasts

> over a period of about 6 months. I threw away my top-weight clothes and

> knew I had found the answer--that it already existed inside me--and that I

> would never be that fat again. But it didn't last. I remember the catalyst.

> My husband and I took my parents to dinner for my mother's birthday. I

> decided to have dessert, and I was so upset with myself the next day, I

> gave myself a case of The Awfukits and slowly gained almost all of it all

> back.

>

> To anyone new, please don't take my experience as the way it will be for

> you. IOWL is NOT a diet and it is not like any weight loss plan I have ever

> seen. The closest it gets from my reading (and, oh yes, I have read

> everything out there) is the book Normal Eating, but 's message

> touched me more deeply, and in a more practical way. She is a master at

> organizing thoughts in a useful, meaningful, cohesive way. So why did I

> gain the weight back? Because I stopped trusting my body again. I thought I

> needed to show it what's what and give it some tough love. Love, ha. Add a

> bit of feeling sorry for myself, a lot of black-and-white thinking, and I

> was on a roll again. Actually, I probably would roll if I fell down, but

> we'll save that fun for another day.

>

> So when says, " You must put in to get out, " she means it. I listened

> to a podcast nearly every day on my drive to work, sometimes on the way

> home, and now that I have heard them all, I shuffle them. But I stopped

> meditating, stopped putting myself first, stopped taking time to exercise,

> stopped gardening (wha?? that's my passion!), and I didn't do much more

> than spotty journal work, which surprised me most of all because I have a

> few Rubbermaid containers full of my old journals. I used to dream of being

> a writer until the day I realized I already was, so the journal part should

> come easy to me.

>

> Something is preventing me from benefiting from IOWL. I sure wish I knew

> what it was, but slowly getting back into it now, I feel a very VERY strong

> resistance, and that scares me.

>

> I am 48 and have a strong marriage of 9 years, no children except for the

> furry kind, a career I love, and an all around blessed life. Both my

> parents are still alive, though not exactly in vigorous health, and my only

> sibling has an extremely successful career, though I know he's lonely, too.

> I don't think I experienced sexual or physical abuse as a child, but my

> parents sucked away all my brother's and my confidence at a very young age,

> which led us to make chronically bad choices growing up because neither of

> us ever felt good enough. I lived my life pretty much apologizing for

> everything I did. I'm sure many of you know that little good comes from

> being a chronic people pleaser, especially in that it's nearly impossible

> to develop a strong sense of self when you care only about what other

> people think.

>

> So here I am. Intellectually but not spiritually smarter about being a

> normal eater, so not much closer to my goal. I don't know what I feel so

> much resistance to IOWL this time, and I suspect I have at least one or

> more whopping limiting beliefs, but I am at a loss as to how to identify

> them. Nothing comes up when I ask myself other than the worthiness issue,

> but I'll grant that's a big one. Not sure what to do about it, though. On

> the positive side, even though I am still overfat, my relationships have

> improved since I started listening to 's podcasts, both at home and at

> work, and I feel a lot less anger and resentment towards other people, so I

> have made at least some inroads. I am much more tolerant and forgiving, and

> such release of control does not come easy to perfectionists, but I bet you

> already know that. If only I could be tolerant and forgiving of myself.

>

> I want more. I deserve better. I signed up for 's class, but I should

> tell you that I have not read past the introduction, and I haven't done a

> single exercise from the homework assignment, and the first class is in 8

> hours. I so intended to do the work this time, so why this inner battle? I

> wish I knew. I'm holding onto something I am afraid to let go, but I don't

> know what it is.

>

> If you are still reading, thank you. I wrote this overly-long self

> introduction because I am a rational person who cannot intellectualize this

> away anymore. I don't know why I am resisting, probably because I don't

> want to feel whatever it is I am supposed to feel, but I do at least accept

> I can't do it on my own or I will forever be stuck where I am now.

>

> I hated writing it down because I never admit weakness, and I rarely let

> anyone know how I really feel (partly because I don't recognize feelings

> within myself) unless I am being perpetually cheerful or overly self

> deprecating in a funny ha ha way. *eye roll* But if I don't open up, I'll

> stay stuck inside my little world full of disgust, recrimination and self

> reproach, and I assure you it isn't a whole lot of fun in here.

>

> Hi, my name is Chloe, and I need your help.

>

> Here are my intentions:

>

> 1. Discover who I really am and what I want. I've been a chameleon for so

> long, I truly have no idea.

>

> 2. Accept--no believe--in my head, heart, and gut that I am worthy and end

> a lifetime of shame.

> 3. Discover my soul's gift and know that everything I need is already

> inside me.

> 4. Learn how to forgive myself more easily so I can quickly recover from

> slips.

>

> 5. Become a model of health and inner peace so my father asks what I am

> did to get that way.

> 6. Feel comfortable in my own skin.

> 7. Feel joy again.

> 8. Be more grateful and mindful.

> 9. Feel at peace around food; it's only food, not the Holy Grail or skull

> and crossbones

>

> I would love to read about your thoughts, experiences, successes,

> stumbling blocks, cautions, tips, and breakthroughs. And if any advice

> comes my way, don't feel you have to pussyfoot around. I like blunt.

>

> For those of you who have been doing this a long time and have found some

> success and inner peace, I'd also be curious if anything in my message

> stands out in particular. When I say I am starting at the beginning with

> hardly a clue, I really mean it. I'm stuck.

>

> OK, clicking SEND (typos and all) before I lose my nerve because I am this

> ( |---| ) close to not sending all this embarrassment.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks

Are you on Facebook? I'd be happy to add you!

On Wed, Jan 11, 2012 at 12:35 PM, Livingston

wrote:

> **

>

>

> Amelia--

>

> Talk about brave. Wow. You Rock. I am excited to follow your journey.

>

> Livingston

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: insideoutweightloss

> Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 12:22 PM

>

> Subject: Re: My (long) introduction--2.5 years

> overdue because I need help

>

>

> Hi Chloe --

>

> You are very brave for writing this out. You are definitely a writer... I

> felt your pain as you were getting it out. Did getting it out and down

> help at all? I would think it probably felt a bit like pulling an infected

> splinter -- it probably hurt like hell to do, but I bet you might be

> feeling a little relief now.

>

> I too was one of those who lurked here for quite some time before actually

> stepping up and introducing myself and talking. The book was what did it

> for me. I had listened to several podcasts and while they spoke to me and

> I related to them (some of them made me cry, they were so powerful), it

> just wasn't quite enough. The only answer I can give myself was, I wasn't

> ready then.

>

> I'm ready now.

>

> I can't explain that shift, but it happened the day after Christmas. I

> simply woke up and said " enough. " I didn't wait until New Years, I didn't

> even wait until that night when I received the book on my Kindle. I signed

> up for a free app that helps me track calories and exercise. It also

> reports my weigh-ins and exercise to facebook. When the app started

> posting, I was blown away by the people coming out of the woodwork to

> support me. When the book arrived, I dug right in. I chose a friend to be

> my buddy, someone who struggles like I do. She's not ready yet, but she's

> a good listener and she relates to my struggle. The other night I actually

> talked her through a food crisis. She's also doing Zumba... I think she's

> learning through me a bit.

>

> I didn't just post a photo in my journal, I posted that bad boy on

> facebook, complete with my starting weight -- 295 lbs. I was just grateful

> that I had never actually passed that 300 lb mark. The only other time in

> my life I have been this heavy was when I was 9 months pregnant with my

> daughter and developed high blood pressure and suddenly started retaining

> water like nobody's business. I was actually worried that some idiot might

> post it on the web to make fun of me, but instead I got about 50 likes and

> a huge string of comments about how brave I am.

>

> I made this public. I'm devoted to it. I won't back down.

>

> I want it.

>

> You have to want it too. That's not something anyone else can do for you.

>

> Attend the class, even if you didn't do the homework. She's not going to

> fail you or throw you out. It's okay. And really dig into Chapter 2

> because there's a lot of stuff in there I think you really need to hear.

>

> I'm glad you're here.

>

> Amelia

>

>

>

> > **

>

> >

> >

> > I have been monitoring this Yahoo group for a couple years now. I say

> > " monitoring " because I haven't been very active, and except for the rare

> > post since I joined, only lately have I been dipping my toe into the IOWL

> > group waters again. Years of self disgust caused me to isolate and

> withdraw

> > from the world. Sure, I go to work, and I don't skulk around wearing dark

> > sunglasses and a hooded sweatshirt like the Unabomber, but I do not have

> > one single friend outside my marriage. That makes me so sad! I pride

> myself

> > on being independent and self sufficient, but I now think I am very

> lonely.

> > Still, I don't reach out to anyone, and I am very reserved and aloof when

> > others make friendly overtures, always having an excuse why I can't do

> > something. Sometimes it surprises me that I am feel so alone, but why

> > should people try when I reject them? I suspect I emanate an overt " back

> > off " vibe.

> >

> > This is very hard for me to say, but if I want to heal myself from the

> > inside out, I must say it. Part of that withdrawal comes from feeling

> angry

> > and resentful at the shock of what I let myself become. When you grow up

> > caring only about what other people think about you, your entire inner

> > world changes, along with your self worth, when those thoughts are

> > obviously no longer good. I used to be that girl that men would run to

> hold

> > the door for--I even caused a traffic accident in Madrid, hee! I was

> > offered every job I interviewed for, got promoted quickly, and people in

> > services industries always rushed to help the pretty girl. I was

> ambitious

> > and worked hard, but looking good opened so many doors, and I took that

> for

> > granted for many years. In fact, it only fed into my unhealthy sense of

> > getting my self worth from external things, like the approval of others,

> > which was so important to me. That all came to a screeching halt after I

> > got fat. For the first

> > time in my life I experienced insults and men yelling mean things at me

> > when walking down the street, rather than hitting the car ahead of them

> > from gawking. I didn't get the job I interviewed for, even though I knew

> I

> > was the most qualified candidate. I got passed over for promotions or got

> > very tiny raises. I started to get exploited at work. And here's the

> irony:

> > Even though I am sometimes the fattest person in the room, I have become

> > invisible. INVISIBLE! Doors actually close in my face. So a large part of

> > my rejection of other people is so they can't reject me first. I have

> also

> > become so very tired of having to work even harder than normal to

> overcome

> > those first impressions (fat people are lazy, stupid ...). It's

> exhausting

> > on every level, and I don't think I even stop " performing " when I am

> alone.

> > How messed up is that?

> >

> > How did I change so drastically? I have never trusted my body, and I

> > learned not to trust myself because I did not feel worthy. That's thanks,

> > in large part to my mother,

> > but it didn't help that I came of age during Charlie's Angels and became

> a

> > young adult when supermodels were all the rage. I actually looked

> > good--no great--back then. I was extremely athletic, muscular, curvy,

> > and feminine. A nice, healthy 130 pounds on my 5'5 " frame. Without going

> > into the gritty details, I dieted my way up to more than 150 pounds

> > overweight, and each pound made me more and more sad, depressed,

> disgusted,

> > and angry.

> >

> > I've carried that self loathing and anger around for a long time,

> nurtured

> > it like it was my baby, one I often wished someone would adopt! So I

> > remember when I discovered the podcasts--it was like they had been

> written

> > specifically for me. Get that monkey off your back. Forgive yourself.

> Trust

> > your body. It took me more than 50 episodes before I saw the connection

> to

> > the Law of Attraction, something I have believed in my entire life, long

> > before I knew it was a philosophy, but never quite knew how to implement

> it

> > in my life. I have always been a big-time daydreamer (could drive for

> hours

> > with nothing but my thoughts), but I am also a fixer, always looking for

> > solutions and ways to improve things, so these podcasts really spoke to

> me.

> > Listening to them seemed to be enough for me at the time. Everything I

> > heard was new to me and so easy to incorporate it into my life, but I

> > didn't do the homework, and I certainly did not reach out to anyone else

> > doing

> > IOWL. I didn't need no steenkin' friends to help me lost weight!

> >

> > I easily released 50 pounds when I started listening to the IOWL podcasts

> > over a period of about 6 months. I threw away my top-weight clothes and

> > knew I had found the answer--that it already existed inside me--and that

> I

> > would never be that fat again. But it didn't last. I remember the

> catalyst.

> > My husband and I took my parents to dinner for my mother's birthday. I

> > decided to have dessert, and I was so upset with myself the next day, I

> > gave myself a case of The Awfukits and slowly gained almost all of it all

> > back.

> >

> > To anyone new, please don't take my experience as the way it will be for

> > you. IOWL is NOT a diet and it is not like any weight loss plan I have

> ever

> > seen. The closest it gets from my reading (and, oh yes, I have read

> > everything out there) is the book Normal Eating, but 's message

> > touched me more deeply, and in a more practical way. She is a master at

> > organizing thoughts in a useful, meaningful, cohesive way. So why did I

> > gain the weight back? Because I stopped trusting my body again. I

> thought I

> > needed to show it what's what and give it some tough love. Love, ha. Add

> a

> > bit of feeling sorry for myself, a lot of black-and-white thinking, and I

> > was on a roll again. Actually, I probably would roll if I fell down, but

> > we'll save that fun for another day.

> >

> > So when says, " You must put in to get out, " she means it. I

> listened

> > to a podcast nearly every day on my drive to work, sometimes on the way

> > home, and now that I have heard them all, I shuffle them. But I stopped

> > meditating, stopped putting myself first, stopped taking time to

> exercise,

> > stopped gardening (wha?? that's my passion!), and I didn't do much more

> > than spotty journal work, which surprised me most of all because I have a

> > few Rubbermaid containers full of my old journals. I used to dream of

> being

> > a writer until the day I realized I already was, so the journal part

> should

> > come easy to me.

> >

> > Something is preventing me from benefiting from IOWL. I sure wish I knew

> > what it was, but slowly getting back into it now, I feel a very VERY

> strong

> > resistance, and that scares me.

> >

> > I am 48 and have a strong marriage of 9 years, no children except for the

> > furry kind, a career I love, and an all around blessed life. Both my

> > parents are still alive, though not exactly in vigorous health, and my

> only

> > sibling has an extremely successful career, though I know he's lonely,

> too.

> > I don't think I experienced sexual or physical abuse as a child, but my

> > parents sucked away all my brother's and my confidence at a very young

> age,

> > which led us to make chronically bad choices growing up because neither

> of

> > us ever felt good enough. I lived my life pretty much apologizing for

> > everything I did. I'm sure many of you know that little good comes from

> > being a chronic people pleaser, especially in that it's nearly impossible

> > to develop a strong sense of self when you care only about what other

> > people think.

> >

> > So here I am. Intellectually but not spiritually smarter about being a

> > normal eater, so not much closer to my goal. I don't know what I feel so

> > much resistance to IOWL this time, and I suspect I have at least one or

> > more whopping limiting beliefs, but I am at a loss as to how to identify

> > them. Nothing comes up when I ask myself other than the worthiness issue,

> > but I'll grant that's a big one. Not sure what to do about it, though. On

> > the positive side, even though I am still overfat, my relationships have

> > improved since I started listening to 's podcasts, both at home and

> at

> > work, and I feel a lot less anger and resentment towards other people,

> so I

> > have made at least some inroads. I am much more tolerant and forgiving,

> and

> > such release of control does not come easy to perfectionists, but I bet

> you

> > already know that. If only I could be tolerant and forgiving of myself.

> >

> > I want more. I deserve better. I signed up for 's class, but I

> should

> > tell you that I have not read past the introduction, and I haven't done a

> > single exercise from the homework assignment, and the first class is in 8

> > hours. I so intended to do the work this time, so why this inner battle?

> I

> > wish I knew. I'm holding onto something I am afraid to let go, but I

> don't

> > know what it is.

> >

> > If you are still reading, thank you. I wrote this overly-long self

> > introduction because I am a rational person who cannot intellectualize

> this

> > away anymore. I don't know why I am resisting, probably because I don't

> > want to feel whatever it is I am supposed to feel, but I do at least

> accept

> > I can't do it on my own or I will forever be stuck where I am now.

> >

> > I hated writing it down because I never admit weakness, and I rarely let

> > anyone know how I really feel (partly because I don't recognize feelings

> > within myself) unless I am being perpetually cheerful or overly self

> > deprecating in a funny ha ha way. *eye roll* But if I don't open up, I'll

> > stay stuck inside my little world full of disgust, recrimination and self

> > reproach, and I assure you it isn't a whole lot of fun in here.

> >

> > Hi, my name is Chloe, and I need your help.

> >

> > Here are my intentions:

> >

> > 1. Discover who I really am and what I want. I've been a chameleon for so

> > long, I truly have no idea.

> >

> > 2. Accept--no believe--in my head, heart, and gut that I am worthy and

> end

> > a lifetime of shame.

> > 3. Discover my soul's gift and know that everything I need is already

> > inside me.

> > 4. Learn how to forgive myself more easily so I can quickly recover from

> > slips.

> >

> > 5. Become a model of health and inner peace so my father asks what I am

> > did to get that way.

> > 6. Feel comfortable in my own skin.

> > 7. Feel joy again.

> > 8. Be more grateful and mindful.

> > 9. Feel at peace around food; it's only food, not the Holy Grail or skull

> > and crossbones

> >

> > I would love to read about your thoughts, experiences, successes,

> > stumbling blocks, cautions, tips, and breakthroughs. And if any advice

> > comes my way, don't feel you have to pussyfoot around. I like blunt.

> >

> > For those of you who have been doing this a long time and have found some

> > success and inner peace, I'd also be curious if anything in my message

> > stands out in particular. When I say I am starting at the beginning with

> > hardly a clue, I really mean it. I'm stuck.

> >

> > OK, clicking SEND (typos and all) before I lose my nerve because I am

> this

> > ( |---| ) close to not sending all this embarrassment.

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Chloe, Thank you for a wonderful introduction and for opening up to us.  We

all are here for you and each other.  Kudos to you for overcoming your

hesitation to open up to people...I bet it will help in the long run.  I

enjoyed reading your email, because it was so honest, and being honest with

yourself and the rest of us will help in your journey.

 I hope your day goes well and that you enjoy the class tonight...I still

haven't received my copy of FF yet.

-

Subject: My (long) introduction--2.5 years overdue because

I need help

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Date: Wednesday, January 11, 2012, 5:54 AM

 

I have been monitoring this Yahoo group for a couple years now. I say

" monitoring " because I haven't been very active, and except for the rare post

since I joined, only lately have I been dipping my toe into the IOWL group

waters again. Years of self disgust caused me to isolate and withdraw from the

world. Sure, I go to work, and I don't skulk around wearing dark sunglasses and

a hooded sweatshirt like the Unabomber, but I do not have one single friend

outside my marriage. That makes me so sad! I pride myself on being independent

and self sufficient, but I now think I am very lonely. Still, I don't reach out

to anyone, and I am very reserved and aloof when others make friendly overtures,

always having an excuse why I can't do something. Sometimes it surprises me that

I am feel so alone, but why should people try when I reject them? I suspect I

emanate an overt " back off " vibe. 

This is very hard for me to say, but if I want to heal myself from the inside

out, I must say it. Part of that withdrawal comes from feeling angry and

resentful at the shock of what I let myself become. When you grow up caring only

about what other people think about you, your entire inner world changes, along

with your self worth, when those thoughts are obviously no longer good. I used

to be that girl that men would run to hold the door for--I even caused a traffic

accident in Madrid, hee! I was offered every job I interviewed for, got promoted

quickly, and people in services industries always rushed to help the pretty

girl. I was ambitious and worked hard, but looking good opened so many doors,

and I took that for granted for many years. In fact, it only fed into my

unhealthy sense of getting my self worth from external things, like the approval

of others, which was so important to me. That all came to a screeching halt

after I got fat. For the first

time in my life I experienced insults and men yelling mean things at me when

walking down the street, rather than hitting the car ahead of them from gawking.

I didn't get the job I interviewed for, even though I knew I was the most

qualified candidate. I got passed over for promotions or got very tiny raises. I

started to get exploited at work. And here's the irony: Even though I am

sometimes the fattest person in the room, I have become invisible. INVISIBLE!

Doors actually close in my face. So a large part of my rejection of other people

is so they can't reject me first. I have also become so very tired of having to

work even harder than normal to overcome those first impressions (fat people are

lazy, stupid ...). It's exhausting on every level, and I don't think I even stop

" performing " when I am alone. How messed up is that?

How did I change so drastically? I have never trusted my body, and I learned not

to trust myself because I did not feel worthy. That's thanks, in large part to

my mother,

but it didn't help that I came of age during Charlie's Angels and became a young

adult when supermodels were all the rage. I actually looked

good--no great--back then. I was extremely athletic, muscular, curvy,

and feminine. A nice, healthy 130 pounds on my 5'5 " frame. Without going into

the gritty details, I dieted my way up to more than 150 pounds overweight, and

each pound made me more and more sad, depressed, disgusted, and angry. 

I've carried that self loathing and anger around for a long time, nurtured it

like it was my baby, one I often wished someone would adopt! So I remember when

I discovered the podcasts--it was like they had been written specifically for

me. Get that monkey off your back. Forgive yourself. Trust your body. It took me

more than 50 episodes before I saw the connection to the Law of Attraction,

something I have believed in my entire life, long before I knew it was a

philosophy, but never quite knew how to implement it in my life. I have always

been a big-time daydreamer (could drive for hours with nothing but my thoughts),

but I am also a fixer, always looking for solutions and ways to improve things,

so these podcasts really spoke to me. Listening to them seemed to be enough for

me at the time. Everything I heard was new to me and so easy to incorporate it

into my life, but I didn't do the homework, and I certainly did not reach out to

anyone else doing

IOWL. I didn't need no steenkin' friends to help me lost weight!

I easily released 50 pounds when I started listening to the IOWL podcasts over a

period of about 6 months. I threw away my top-weight clothes and knew I had

found the answer--that it already existed inside me--and that I would never be

that fat again. But it didn't last. I remember the catalyst. My husband and I

took my parents to dinner for my mother's birthday. I decided to have dessert,

and I was so upset with myself the next day, I gave myself a case of The

Awfukits and slowly gained almost all of it all back.

To anyone new, please don't take my experience as the way it will be for you.

IOWL is NOT a diet and it is not like any weight loss plan I have ever seen. The

closest it gets from my reading (and, oh yes, I have read everything out there)

is the book Normal Eating, but 's message touched me more deeply, and in a

more practical way. She is a master at organizing thoughts in a useful,

meaningful, cohesive way. So why did I gain the weight back? Because I stopped

trusting my body again. I thought I needed to show it what's what and give it

some tough love. Love, ha. Add a bit of feeling sorry for myself, a lot of

black-and-white thinking, and I was on a roll again. Actually, I probably would

roll if I fell down, but we'll save that fun for another day.

So when says, " You must put in to get out, " she means it. I listened to a

podcast nearly every day on my drive to work, sometimes on the way home, and now

that I have heard them all, I shuffle them. But I stopped meditating, stopped

putting myself first, stopped taking time to exercise, stopped gardening (wha??

that's my passion!), and I didn't do much more than spotty journal work, which

surprised me most of all because I have a few Rubbermaid containers full of my

old journals. I used to dream of being a writer until the day I realized I

already was, so the journal part should come easy to me.

Something is preventing me from benefiting from IOWL. I sure wish I knew what it

was, but slowly getting back into it now, I feel a very VERY strong resistance,

and that scares me.

I am 48 and have a strong marriage of 9 years, no children except for the furry

kind, a career I love, and an all around blessed life. Both my parents are still

alive, though not exactly in vigorous health, and my only sibling has an

extremely successful career, though I know he's lonely, too. I don't think I

experienced sexual or physical abuse as a child, but my parents sucked away all

my brother's and my confidence at a very young age, which led us to make

chronically bad choices growing up because neither of us ever felt good enough.

I lived my life pretty much apologizing for everything I did. I'm sure many of

you know that little good comes from being a chronic people pleaser, especially

in that it's nearly impossible to develop a strong sense of self when you care

only about what other people think.

So here I am. Intellectually but not spiritually smarter about being a normal

eater, so not much closer to my goal. I don't know what I feel so much

resistance to IOWL this time, and I suspect I have at least one or more whopping

limiting beliefs, but I am at a loss as to how to identify them. Nothing comes

up when I ask myself other than the worthiness issue, but I'll grant that's a

big one. Not sure what to do about it, though. On the positive side, even though

I am still overfat, my relationships have improved since I started listening to

's podcasts, both at home and at work, and I feel a lot less anger and

resentment towards other people, so I have made at least some inroads. I am much

more tolerant and forgiving, and such release of control does not come easy to

perfectionists, but I bet you already know that. If only I could be tolerant and

forgiving of myself.

I want more. I deserve better. I signed up for 's class, but I should tell

you that I have not read past the introduction, and I haven't done a single

exercise from the homework assignment, and the first class is in 8 hours. I so

intended to do the work this time, so why this inner battle? I wish I knew. I'm

holding onto something I am afraid to let go, but I don't know what it is.

If you are still reading, thank you. I wrote this overly-long self introduction

because I am a rational person who cannot intellectualize this away anymore. I

don't know why I am resisting, probably because I don't want to feel whatever it

is I am supposed to feel, but I do at least accept I can't do it on my own or I

will forever be stuck where I am now.

I hated writing it down because I never admit weakness, and I rarely let anyone

know how I really feel (partly because I don't recognize feelings within myself)

unless I am being perpetually cheerful or overly self deprecating in a funny ha

ha way. *eye roll* But if I don't open up, I'll stay stuck inside my little

world full of disgust, recrimination and self reproach, and I assure you it

isn't a whole lot of fun in here.

Hi, my name is Chloe, and I need your help.

Here are my intentions:

1. Discover who I really am and what I want. I've been a chameleon for so long,

I truly have no idea.

2. Accept--no believe--in my head, heart, and gut that I am worthy and end a

lifetime of shame.

3. Discover my soul's gift and know that everything I need is already inside me.

4. Learn how to forgive myself more easily so I can quickly recover from slips.

5. Become a model of health and inner peace so my father asks what I am did to

get that way.

6. Feel comfortable in my own skin.

7. Feel joy again.

8. Be more grateful and mindful.

9. Feel at peace around food; it's only food, not the Holy Grail or skull and

crossbones

I would love to read about your thoughts, experiences, successes, stumbling

blocks, cautions, tips, and breakthroughs. And if any advice comes my way, don't

feel you have to pussyfoot around. I like blunt.

For those of you who have been doing this a long time and have found some

success and inner peace, I'd also be curious if anything in my message stands

out in particular. When I say I am starting at the beginning with hardly a clue,

I really mean it. I'm stuck.

OK, clicking SEND (typos and all) before I lose my nerve because I am this (

|---| ) close to not sending all this embarrassment.

[Guest guest]

Thanks Chloe ::hugs::

I think it's okay to mourn your losses. It's well-documented that proper

grief helps us to move past it. I can't answer your question as to whether

you will have to deal with the junk in the past. It sounds like, whether

you like it or not, it's really affecting you. I have a lot of junk in my

own past (and in my now). I have a therapist and I need those sessions to

help me get rid of the junk.

My mother was one of those " You're never good enough " people. I'm a

first-born and no matter what I did, I always could have done better.

She's never changed. Here's a horrible example:

A couple years ago, my sister received her Bachelors. Because I quit even

trying to be good enough, ages ago, I never even got my Associates

(something I regret personally). After the ceremony, as we are walking

back to the car, my mother says " You know, I'm really proud of her. " I

said, " I'm really proud of her too. She worked hard for this. " It's true,

she did work hard. She worked two jobs while she was in school. My mother

replies, " Just so you know, I'm prepared to be proud of you too, at any

time. "

Ouch.

I confronted my mom about this later and she said that " wasn't what she

meant. " I don't know what else she possible could have meant. It still

hurts, but I have to let it go. My mom is a major food trigger and all

those feelings of " I'm not good enough, I'm not worth anything " have stuck

with me for a looooooong time. I've been feeding myself to numb that.

But I had to deal with that. I can't heal my feelings of worthlessness

until I go back as a child and tell my mom that she was wrong. That I was

good enough. I'm so very careful about the things I say to my own

children. I never, ever want them to feel that sense of worthlessness and

powerlessness that I grew up with.

Everyone's journey will be different. See where the program takes you.

And hey, consider giving yourself a watching of " Steel Magnolias " or

something so you can just have a really good weep. I gotta tell you,

sometimes it feels sooooooo good.

Amelia

> **

>

>

> Thank you all for your responses. I feel very blessed and very touched

> that there are such caring people in this group. Of course I knew that

> because I have been reading right along, though I admit there was a time

> when I deleted messages without reading.

>

> I had a feeling my story might resonate with some of you because I can't

> help but think that many of us end up in a very similar emotional place.

>

> Amelia wanted to know if it was hard for me to write my intro, and I can

> tell you that I *almost* cried. It sounds so pathetic, but I am so tightly

> controlled (except for my eating, obviously), I rarely even cry. Maybe I

> need a good snot-flowing blubbering to cleans all the evils out of my

> system, but I did actually FEEL something when I was writing, so that's

> good, right? Not in a gushy-feel-sorry-for-myself way, but I was mourning

> the little girl/young woman I used to be without an self esteem--or sense

> of self for that matter. I feel very fortunate that I wasn't a fat child. I

> sometimes carried an extra 15 pounds in later years, but I didn't become

> medically/morbidly obese until my mid 30s, but the lack of self esteem was

> present from as young as 5 years old, and when I was 15 pounds overweight I

> might as well have been 150 pounds overweight.

>

> What I left out of my story was anorexia (14-16) and bulimia--the bad

> binge/purge kind from 18-30). I believe I was barfing up not food but

> hatred, anger, and disgust. It was when I told myself I would no longer

> allow myself to throw up that the weight slowly started coming on.

>

> I loved reading about Amelia's shift and the fact that she knows she's

> ready. And OMG, posting a photo on Facebook--that takes guts! I am in awe.

> I long for that inner a-ha moment myself and I am hoping the class and

> interacting with all of you FOR REAL and with honesty helps jar something

> loose in my head. I can be very stubborn and rigid, but that should

> surprise no one, least of me, the person who sees only black and white.

>

> I am glad that ev has found her authentic self and isn't afraid to show

> it. I think parts of me come out, but no one knows who I really am because

> I am so guarded. My husband probably comes closest because he is extremely

> intuitive, but I don't share my pain with him because it's mine and I see

> no point in burdening others. It's not me being a martyr as much as not

> wanting to focus on the negative. Maybe I need to, but not with him. And

> all talk therapy wants to do is talk about my mother, and oh lord I do not

> want to go down that dark and twisty path! This may sounds weird, but I

> don't want to look back. I don't much see the point. Will that stop me from

> releasing the weight? I hope not because I don't see how dredging up old

> hurts will hurt me now. Can't I just to a generic release into the wind?? I

> am the kind of person who likes to start fresh, forgive and forget, move

> on, make some progress now. Feel good NOW.

>

> Time to do some work before the IOWL call in 90 minutes.

>

> xChloe

>

> P.S. I hope I didn't make it sound like the podcasts haven't helped me,

> especially because I gained weight back. They have benefited my life in so

> many other

> ways, which is why I just scratch my head over the whole stupid weight

> thing, but I hope to figure that out soon. Someone else said it didn't

> take hold until she started doing the work, so I know what I have to do.

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: " insideoutweightloss " <

> insideoutweightloss >

> Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 2:17 PM

>

> Subject: Re: My (long) introduction--2.5 years

> overdue because I need help

>

>

>

> Chloe..

> Hello and welcome!

> I agree with Amelia...participate in the session you have signed up for

> with and do whatever YOU feel like doing. This is a session to help

> yourself...you yourself so you should participate as much as you feel

> comfortable.

> I have been listening to the podcasts for over two years now and even

> though I have not lost any weight, I have not gained either but my life has

> changed in so many ways...I do think that the podcasts are more about

> loving yourself first and foremost...becoming comfortable in your own

> skin...feeling good about the inside and the change on the outside will

> start to happen.

> I am eating very healthy foods nowadays, exercising consistently, but even

> better I have allowed my authentic self to shine through and it feels great

> to be myself. 's

> Thanks so much for sharing with us. I know it feels great to get it out

> but it also helps us as a lot of us have similar feelings and it helps us

> to discover aspects about ourselves as well.

> I hope you continue to participate on our weight loss journies.

> Hugs..

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: insideoutweightloss

> Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 8:22 PM

> Subject: Re: My (long) introduction--2.5 years

> overdue because I need help

>

>

> Hi Chloe --

>

> You are very brave for writing this out. You are definitely a writer... I

> felt your pain as you were getting it out. Did getting it out and down

> help at all? I would think it probably felt a bit like pulling an infected

> splinter -- it probably hurt like hell to do, but I bet you might be

> feeling a little relief now.

>

> I too was one of those who lurked here for quite some time before actually

> stepping up and introducing myself and talking. The book was what did it

> for me. I had listened to several podcasts and while they spoke to me and

> I related to them (some of them made me cry, they were so powerful), it

> just wasn't quite enough. The only answer I can give myself was, I wasn't

> ready then.

>

> I'm ready now.

>

> I can't explain that shift, but it happened the day after Christmas. I

> simply woke up and said " enough. " I didn't wait until New Years, I didn't

> even wait until that night when I received the book on my Kindle. I signed

> up for a free app that helps me track calories and exercise. It also

> reports my weigh-ins and exercise to facebook. When the app started

> posting, I was blown away by the people coming out of the woodwork to

> support me. When the book arrived, I dug right in. I chose a friend to be

> my buddy, someone who struggles like I do. She's not ready yet, but she's

> a good listener and she relates to my struggle. The other night I actually

> talked her through a food crisis. She's also doing Zumba... I think she's

> learning through me a bit.

>

> I didn't just post a photo in my journal, I posted that bad boy on

> facebook, complete with my starting weight -- 295 lbs. I was just grateful

> that I had never actually passed that 300 lb mark. The only other time in

> my life I have been this heavy was when I was 9 months pregnant with my

> daughter and developed high blood pressure and suddenly started retaining

> water like nobody's business. I was actually worried that some idiot might

> post it on the web to make fun of me, but instead I got about 50 likes and

> a huge string of comments about how brave I am.

>

> I made this public. I'm devoted to it. I won't back down.

>

> I want it.

>

> You have to want it too. That's not something anyone else can do for you.

>

> Attend the class, even if you didn't do the homework. She's not going to

> fail you or throw you out. It's okay. And really dig into Chapter 2

> because there's a lot of stuff in there I think you really need to hear.

>

> I'm glad you're here.

>

> Amelia

>

>

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > I have been monitoring this Yahoo group for a couple years now. I say

> > " monitoring " because I haven't been very active, and except for the rare

> > post since I joined, only lately have I been dipping my toe into the IOWL

> > group waters again. Years of self disgust caused me to isolate and

> withdraw

> > from the world. Sure, I go to work, and I don't skulk around wearing dark

> > sunglasses and a hooded sweatshirt like the Unabomber, but I do not have

> > one single friend outside my marriage. That makes me so sad! I pride

> myself

> > on being independent and self sufficient, but I now think I am very

> lonely.

> > Still, I don't reach out to anyone, and I am very reserved and aloof when

> > others make friendly overtures, always having an excuse why I can't do

> > something. Sometimes it surprises me that I am feel so alone, but why

> > should people try when I reject them? I suspect I emanate an overt " back

> > off " vibe.

> >

> > This is very hard for me to say, but if I want to heal myself from the

> > inside out, I must say it. Part of that withdrawal comes from feeling

> angry

> > and resentful at the shock of what I let myself become. When you grow up

> > caring only about what other people think about you, your entire inner

> > world changes, along with your self worth, when those thoughts are

> > obviously no longer good. I used to be that girl that men would run to

> hold

> > the door for--I even caused a traffic accident in Madrid, hee! I was

> > offered every job I interviewed for, got promoted quickly, and people in

> > services industries always rushed to help the pretty girl. I was

> ambitious

> > and worked hard, but looking good opened so many doors, and I took that

> for

> > granted for many years. In fact, it only fed into my unhealthy sense of

> > getting my self worth from external things, like the approval of others,

> > which was so important to me. That all came to a screeching halt after I

> > got fat. For the first

> > time in my life I experienced insults and men yelling mean things at me

> > when walking down the street, rather than hitting the car ahead of them

> > from gawking. I didn't get the job I interviewed for, even though I knew

> I

> > was the most qualified candidate. I got passed over for promotions or got

> > very tiny raises. I started to get exploited at work. And here's the

> irony:

> > Even though I am sometimes the fattest person in the room, I have become

> > invisible. INVISIBLE! Doors actually close in my face. So a large part of

> > my rejection of other people is so they can't reject me first. I have

> also

> > become so very tired of having to work even harder than normal to

> overcome

> > those first impressions (fat people are lazy, stupid ...). It's

> exhausting

> > on every level, and I don't think I even stop " performing " when I am

> alone.

> > How messed up is that?

> >

> > How did I change so drastically? I have never trusted my body, and I

> > learned not to trust myself because I did not feel worthy. That's thanks,

> > in large part to my mother,

> > but it didn't help that I came of age during Charlie's Angels and became

> a

> > young adult when supermodels were all the rage. I actually looked

> > good--no great--back then. I was extremely athletic, muscular, curvy,

> > and feminine. A nice, healthy 130 pounds on my 5'5 " frame. Without going

> > into the gritty details, I dieted my way up to more than 150 pounds

> > overweight, and each pound made me more and more sad, depressed,

> disgusted,

> > and angry.

> >

> > I've carried that self loathing and anger around for a long time,

> nurtured

> > it like it was my baby, one I often wished someone would adopt! So I

> > remember when I discovered the podcasts--it was like they had been

> written

> > specifically for me. Get that monkey off your back. Forgive yourself.

> Trust

> > your body. It took me more than 50 episodes before I saw the connection

> to

> > the Law of Attraction, something I have believed in my entire life, long

> > before I knew it was a philosophy, but never quite knew how to implement

> it

> > in my life. I have always been a big-time daydreamer (could drive for

> hours

> > with nothing but my thoughts), but I am also a fixer, always looking for

> > solutions and ways to improve things, so these podcasts really spoke to

> me.

> > Listening to them seemed to be enough for me at the time. Everything I

> > heard was new to me and so easy to incorporate it into my life, but I

> > didn't do the homework, and I certainly did not reach out to anyone else

> > doing

> > IOWL. I didn't need no steenkin' friends to help me lost weight!

> >

> > I easily released 50 pounds when I started listening to the IOWL podcasts

> > over a period of about 6 months. I threw away my top-weight clothes and

> > knew I had found the answer--that it already existed inside me--and that

> I

> > would never be that fat again. But it didn't last. I remember the

> catalyst.

> > My husband and I took my parents to dinner for my mother's birthday. I

> > decided to have dessert, and I was so upset with myself the next day, I

> > gave myself a case of The Awfukits and slowly gained almost all of it all

> > back.

> >

> > To anyone new, please don't take my experience as the way it will be for

> > you. IOWL is NOT a diet and it is not like any weight loss plan I have

> ever

> > seen. The closest it gets from my reading (and, oh yes, I have read

> > everything out there) is the book Normal Eating, but 's message

> > touched me more deeply, and in a more practical way. She is a master at

> > organizing thoughts in a useful, meaningful, cohesive way. So why did I

> > gain the weight back? Because I stopped trusting my body again. I

> thought I

> > needed to show it what's what and give it some tough love. Love, ha. Add

> a

> > bit of feeling sorry for myself, a lot of black-and-white thinking, and I

> > was on a roll again. Actually, I probably would roll if I fell down, but

> > we'll save that fun for another day.

> >

> > So when says, " You must put in to get out, " she means it. I

> listened

> > to a podcast nearly every day on my drive to work, sometimes on the way

> > home, and now that I have heard them all, I shuffle them. But I stopped

> > meditating, stopped putting myself first, stopped taking time to

> exercise,

> > stopped gardening (wha?? that's my passion!), and I didn't do much more

> > than spotty journal work, which surprised me most of all because I have a

> > few Rubbermaid containers full of my old journals. I used to dream of

> being

> > a writer until the day I realized I already was, so the journal part

> should

> > come easy to me.

> >

> > Something is preventing me from benefiting from IOWL. I sure wish I knew

> > what it was, but slowly getting back into it now, I feel a very VERY

> strong

> > resistance, and that scares me.

> >

> > I am 48 and have a strong marriage of 9 years, no children except for the

> > furry kind, a career I love, and an all around blessed life. Both my

> > parents are still alive, though not exactly in vigorous health, and my

> only

> > sibling has an extremely successful career, though I know he's lonely,

> too.

> > I don't think I experienced sexual or physical abuse as a child, but my

> > parents sucked away all my brother's and my confidence at a very young

> age,

> > which led us to make chronically bad choices growing up because neither

> of

> > us ever felt good enough. I lived my life pretty much apologizing for

> > everything I did. I'm sure many of you know that little good comes from

> > being a chronic people pleaser, especially in that it's nearly impossible

> > to develop a strong sense of self when you care only about what other

> > people think.

> >

> > So here I am. Intellectually but not spiritually smarter about being a

> > normal eater, so not much closer to my goal. I don't know what I feel so

> > much resistance to IOWL this time, and I suspect I have at least one or

> > more whopping limiting beliefs, but I am at a loss as to how to identify

> > them. Nothing comes up when I ask myself other than the worthiness issue,

> > but I'll grant that's a big one. Not sure what to do about it, though. On

> > the positive side, even though I am still overfat, my relationships have

> > improved since I started listening to 's podcasts, both at home and

> at

> > work, and I feel a lot less anger and resentment towards other people,

> so I

> > have made at least some inroads. I am much more tolerant and forgiving,

> and

> > such release of control does not come easy to perfectionists, but I bet

> you

> > already know that. If only I could be tolerant and forgiving of myself.

> >

> > I want more. I deserve better. I signed up for 's class, but I

> should

> > tell you that I have not read past the introduction, and I haven't done a

> > single exercise from the homework assignment, and the first class is in 8

> > hours. I so intended to do the work this time, so why this inner battle?

> I

> > wish I knew. I'm holding onto something I am afraid to let go, but I

> don't

> > know what it is.

> >

> > If you are still reading, thank you. I wrote this overly-long self

> > introduction because I am a rational person who cannot intellectualize

> this

> > away anymore. I don't know why I am resisting, probably because I don't

> > want to feel whatever it is I am supposed to feel, but I do at least

> accept

> > I can't do it on my own or I will forever be stuck where I am now.

> >

> > I hated writing it down because I never admit weakness, and I rarely let

> > anyone know how I really feel (partly because I don't recognize feelings

> > within myself) unless I am being perpetually cheerful or overly self

> > deprecating in a funny ha ha way. *eye roll* But if I don't open up, I'll

> > stay stuck inside my little world full of disgust, recrimination and self

> > reproach, and I assure you it isn't a whole lot of fun in here.

> >

> > Hi, my name is Chloe, and I need your help.

> >

> > Here are my intentions:

> >

> > 1. Discover who I really am and what I want. I've been a chameleon for so

> > long, I truly have no idea.

> >

> > 2. Accept--no believe--in my head, heart, and gut that I am worthy and

> end

> > a lifetime of shame.

> > 3. Discover my soul's gift and know that everything I need is already

> > inside me.

> > 4. Learn how to forgive myself more easily so I can quickly recover from

> > slips.

> >

> > 5. Become a model of health and inner peace so my father asks what I am

> > did to get that way.

> > 6. Feel comfortable in my own skin.

> > 7. Feel joy again.

> > 8. Be more grateful and mindful.

> > 9. Feel at peace around food; it's only food, not the Holy Grail or skull

> > and crossbones

> >

> > I would love to read about your thoughts, experiences, successes,

> > stumbling blocks, cautions, tips, and breakthroughs. And if any advice

> > comes my way, don't feel you have to pussyfoot around. I like blunt.

> >

> > For those of you who have been doing this a long time and have found some

> > success and inner peace, I'd also be curious if anything in my message

> > stands out in particular. When I say I am starting at the beginning with

> > hardly a clue, I really mean it. I'm stuck.

> >

> > OK, clicking SEND (typos and all) before I lose my nerve because I am

> this

> > ( |---| ) close to not sending all this embarrassment.

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Chloe:

You're very brave to take this first step.

You've come to the right place - Welcome to the group!

b.

>

> I have been monitoring this Yahoo group for a couple years now. I say

" monitoring " because I haven't been very active, and except for the rare

post since I joined, only lately have I been dipping my toe into the

IOWL group waters again. Years of self disgust caused me to isolate and

withdraw from the world. Sure, I go to work, and I don't skulk around

wearing dark sunglasses and a hooded sweatshirt like the Unabomber, but

I do not have one single friend outside my marriage. That makes me so

sad! I pride myself on being independent and self sufficient, but I now

think I am very lonely. Still, I don't reach out to anyone, and I am

very reserved and aloof when others make friendly overtures, always

having an excuse why I can't do something. Sometimes it surprises me

that I am feel so alone, but why should people try when I reject them? I

suspect I emanate an overt " back off " vibe.

>

> This is very hard for me to say, but if I want to heal myself from the

inside out, I must say it. Part of that withdrawal comes from feeling

angry and resentful at the shock of what I let myself become. When you

grow up caring only about what other people think about you, your entire

inner world changes, along with your self worth, when those thoughts are

obviously no longer good. I used to be that girl that men would run to

hold the door for--I even caused a traffic accident in Madrid, hee! I

was offered every job I interviewed for, got promoted quickly, and

people in services industries always rushed to help the pretty girl. I

was ambitious and worked hard, but looking good opened so many doors,

and I took that for granted for many years. In fact, it only fed into my

unhealthy sense of getting my self worth from external things, like the

approval of others, which was so important to me. That all came to a

screeching halt after I got fat. For the first

> time in my life I experienced insults and men yelling mean things at

me when walking down the street, rather than hitting the car ahead of

them from gawking. I didn't get the job I interviewed for, even though I

knew I was the most qualified candidate. I got passed over for

promotions or got very tiny raises. I started to get exploited at work.

And here's the irony: Even though I am sometimes the fattest person in

the room, I have become invisible. INVISIBLE! Doors actually close in my

face. So a large part of my rejection of other people is so they can't

reject me first. I have also become so very tired of having to work even

harder than normal to overcome those first impressions (fat people are

lazy, stupid ...). It's exhausting on every level, and I don't think I

even stop " performing " when I am alone. How messed up is that?

>

>

> How did I change so drastically? I have never trusted my body, and I

learned not to trust myself because I did not feel worthy. That's

thanks, in large part to my mother,

> but it didn't help that I came of age during Charlie's Angels and

became a young adult when supermodels were all the rage. I actually

looked

> good--no great--back then. I was extremely athletic, muscular, curvy,

> and feminine. A nice, healthy 130 pounds on my 5'5 " frame. Without

going into the gritty details, I dieted my way up to more than 150

pounds overweight, and each pound made me more and more sad, depressed,

disgusted, and angry.

>

> I've carried that self loathing and anger around for a long time,

nurtured it like it was my baby, one I often wished someone would adopt!

So I remember when I discovered the podcasts--it was like they had been

written specifically for me. Get that monkey off your back. Forgive

yourself. Trust your body. It took me more than 50 episodes before I saw

the connection to the Law of Attraction, something I have believed in my

entire life, long before I knew it was a philosophy, but never quite

knew how to implement it in my life. I have always been a big-time

daydreamer (could drive for hours with nothing but my thoughts), but I

am also a fixer, always looking for solutions and ways to improve

things, so these podcasts really spoke to me. Listening to them seemed

to be enough for me at the time. Everything I heard was new to me and so

easy to incorporate it into my life, but I didn't do the homework, and I

certainly did not reach out to anyone else doing

> IOWL. I didn't need no steenkin' friends to help me lost weight!

>

>

> I easily released 50 pounds when I started listening to the IOWL

podcasts over a period of about 6 months. I threw away my top-weight

clothes and knew I had found the answer--that it already existed inside

me--and that I would never be that fat again. But it didn't last. I

remember the catalyst. My husband and I took my parents to dinner for my

mother's birthday. I decided to have dessert, and I was so upset with

myself the next day, I gave myself a case of The Awfukits and slowly

gained almost all of it all back.

>

> To anyone new, please don't take my experience as the way it will be

for you. IOWL is NOT a diet and it is not like any weight loss plan I

have ever seen. The closest it gets from my reading (and, oh yes, I have

read everything out there) is the book Normal Eating, but 's

message touched me more deeply, and in a more practical way. She is a

master at organizing thoughts in a useful, meaningful, cohesive way. So

why did I gain the weight back? Because I stopped trusting my body

again. I thought I needed to show it what's what and give it some tough

love. Love, ha. Add a bit of feeling sorry for myself, a lot of

black-and-white thinking, and I was on a roll again. Actually, I

probably would roll if I fell down, but we'll save that fun for another

day.

>

> So when says, " You must put in to get out, " she means it. I

listened to a podcast nearly every day on my drive to work, sometimes on

the way home, and now that I have heard them all, I shuffle them. But I

stopped meditating, stopped putting myself first, stopped taking time to

exercise, stopped gardening (wha?? that's my passion!), and I didn't do

much more than spotty journal work, which surprised me most of all

because I have a few Rubbermaid containers full of my old journals. I

used to dream of being a writer until the day I realized I already was,

so the journal part should come easy to me.

>

> Something is preventing me from benefiting from IOWL. I sure wish I

knew what it was, but slowly getting back into it now, I feel a very

VERY strong resistance, and that scares me.

>

>

> I am 48 and have a strong marriage of 9 years, no children except for

the furry kind, a career I love, and an all around blessed life. Both my

parents are still alive, though not exactly in vigorous health, and my

only sibling has an extremely successful career, though I know he's

lonely, too. I don't think I experienced sexual or physical abuse as a

child, but my parents sucked away all my brother's and my confidence at

a very young age, which led us to make chronically bad choices growing

up because neither of us ever felt good enough. I lived my life pretty

much apologizing for everything I did. I'm sure many of you know that

little good comes from being a chronic people pleaser, especially in

that it's nearly impossible to develop a strong sense of self when you

care only about what other people think.

>

> So here I am. Intellectually but not spiritually smarter about being a

normal eater, so not much closer to my goal. I don't know what I feel so

much resistance to IOWL this time, and I suspect I have at least one or

more whopping limiting beliefs, but I am at a loss as to how to identify

them. Nothing comes up when I ask myself other than the worthiness

issue, but I'll grant that's a big one. Not sure what to do about it,

though. On the positive side, even though I am still overfat, my

relationships have improved since I started listening to 's

podcasts, both at home and at work, and I feel a lot less anger and

resentment towards other people, so I have made at least some inroads. I

am much more tolerant and forgiving, and such release of control does

not come easy to perfectionists, but I bet you already know that. If

only I could be tolerant and forgiving of myself.

>

>

> I want more. I deserve better. I signed up for 's class, but I

should tell you that I have not read past the introduction, and I

haven't done a single exercise from the homework assignment, and the

first class is in 8 hours. I so intended to do the work this time, so

why this inner battle? I wish I knew. I'm holding onto something I am

afraid to let go, but I don't know what it is.

>

>

> If you are still reading, thank you. I wrote this overly-long self

introduction because I am a rational person who cannot intellectualize

this away anymore. I don't know why I am resisting, probably because I

don't want to feel whatever it is I am supposed to feel, but I do at

least accept I can't do it on my own or I will forever be stuck where I

am now.

>

>

> I hated writing it down because I never admit weakness, and I rarely

let anyone know how I really feel (partly because I don't recognize

feelings within myself) unless I am being perpetually cheerful or overly

self deprecating in a funny ha ha way. *eye roll* But if I don't open

up, I'll stay stuck inside my little world full of disgust,

recrimination and self reproach, and I assure you it isn't a whole lot

of fun in here.

>

>

> Hi, my name is Chloe, and I need your help.

>

> Here are my intentions:

>

>

> 1. Discover who I really am and what I want. I've been a chameleon for

so long, I truly have no idea.

>

> 2. Accept--no believe--in my head, heart, and gut that I am worthy and

end a lifetime of shame.

> 3. Discover my soul's gift and know that everything I need is already

inside me.

> 4. Learn how to forgive myself more easily so I can quickly recover

from slips.

>

> 5. Become a model of health and inner peace so my father asks what I

am did to get that way.

> 6. Feel comfortable in my own skin.

> 7. Feel joy again.

> 8. Be more grateful and mindful.

> 9. Feel at peace around food; it's only food, not the Holy Grail or

skull and crossbones

>

>

> I would love to read about your thoughts, experiences, successes,

stumbling blocks, cautions, tips, and breakthroughs. And if any advice

comes my way, don't feel you have to pussyfoot around. I like blunt.

>

> For those of you who have been doing this a long time and have found

some success and inner peace, I'd also be curious if anything in my

message stands out in particular. When I say I am starting at the

beginning with hardly a clue, I really mean it. I'm stuck.

>

> OK, clicking SEND (typos and all) before I lose my nerve because I am

this ( |---| ) close to not sending all this embarrassment.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

OMG Chloe! I could have written your posting!!! It sounds so much like

me! There are a few differences.... enough to assure me that I didn't

write it in my sleep and not remember it.

I'm 50.... married for 12 years.... only the furry kind of kids....

smart... challenging job. But no friends outside of my

marriage. Invisible! Oh! I can relate to that!!! I used to sit in

meetings and voice a great idea. No response. Someone else would say the

same thing and everyone would jump on it! I lost a lot of weight and

started to notice a difference in the way people treat me. I've gained

some of it back and am started to notice a change from people at work.

I don't have any words of wisdom except to say..... I wish I could give

you a hug. And if you lived in the Seattle area, I will be your friend!!!

Patti

> **

>

>

> I have been monitoring this Yahoo group for a couple years now. I say

> " monitoring " because I haven't been very active, and except for the rare

> post since I joined, only lately have I been dipping my toe into the IOWL

> group waters again. Years of self disgust caused me to isolate and withdraw

> from the world. Sure, I go to work, and I don't skulk around wearing dark

> sunglasses and a hooded sweatshirt like the Unabomber, but I do not have

> one single friend outside my marriage. That makes me so sad! I pride myself

> on being independent and self sufficient, but I now think I am very lonely.

> Still, I don't reach out to anyone, and I am very reserved and aloof when

> others make friendly overtures, always having an excuse why I can't do

> something. Sometimes it surprises me that I am feel so alone, but why

> should people try when I reject them? I suspect I emanate an overt " back

> off " vibe.

>

> This is very hard for me to say, but if I want to heal myself from the

> inside out, I must say it. Part of that withdrawal comes from feeling angry

> and resentful at the shock of what I let myself become. When you grow up

> caring only about what other people think about you, your entire inner

> world changes, along with your self worth, when those thoughts are

> obviously no longer good. I used to be that girl that men would run to hold

> the door for--I even caused a traffic accident in Madrid, hee! I was

> offered every job I interviewed for, got promoted quickly, and people in

> services industries always rushed to help the pretty girl. I was ambitious

> and worked hard, but looking good opened so many doors, and I took that for

> granted for many years. In fact, it only fed into my unhealthy sense of

> getting my self worth from external things, like the approval of others,

> which was so important to me. That all came to a screeching halt after I

> got fat. For the first

> time in my life I experienced insults and men yelling mean things at me

> when walking down the street, rather than hitting the car ahead of them

> from gawking. I didn't get the job I interviewed for, even though I knew I

> was the most qualified candidate. I got passed over for promotions or got

> very tiny raises. I started to get exploited at work. And here's the irony:

> Even though I am sometimes the fattest person in the room, I have become

> invisible. INVISIBLE! Doors actually close in my face. So a large part of

> my rejection of other people is so they can't reject me first. I have also

> become so very tired of having to work even harder than normal to overcome

> those first impressions (fat people are lazy, stupid ...). It's exhausting

> on every level, and I don't think I even stop " performing " when I am alone.

> How messed up is that?

>

> How did I change so drastically? I have never trusted my body, and I

> learned not to trust myself because I did not feel worthy. That's thanks,

> in large part to my mother,

> but it didn't help that I came of age during Charlie's Angels and became a

> young adult when supermodels were all the rage. I actually looked

> good--no great--back then. I was extremely athletic, muscular, curvy,

> and feminine. A nice, healthy 130 pounds on my 5'5 " frame. Without going

> into the gritty details, I dieted my way up to more than 150 pounds

> overweight, and each pound made me more and more sad, depressed, disgusted,

> and angry.

>

> I've carried that self loathing and anger around for a long time, nurtured

> it like it was my baby, one I often wished someone would adopt! So I

> remember when I discovered the podcasts--it was like they had been written

> specifically for me. Get that monkey off your back. Forgive yourself. Trust

> your body. It took me more than 50 episodes before I saw the connection to

> the Law of Attraction, something I have believed in my entire life, long

> before I knew it was a philosophy, but never quite knew how to implement it

> in my life. I have always been a big-time daydreamer (could drive for hours

> with nothing but my thoughts), but I am also a fixer, always looking for

> solutions and ways to improve things, so these podcasts really spoke to me.

> Listening to them seemed to be enough for me at the time. Everything I

> heard was new to me and so easy to incorporate it into my life, but I

> didn't do the homework, and I certainly did not reach out to anyone else

> doing

> IOWL. I didn't need no steenkin' friends to help me lost weight!

>

> I easily released 50 pounds when I started listening to the IOWL podcasts

> over a period of about 6 months. I threw away my top-weight clothes and

> knew I had found the answer--that it already existed inside me--and that I

> would never be that fat again. But it didn't last. I remember the catalyst.

> My husband and I took my parents to dinner for my mother's birthday. I

> decided to have dessert, and I was so upset with myself the next day, I

> gave myself a case of The Awfukits and slowly gained almost all of it all

> back.

>

> To anyone new, please don't take my experience as the way it will be for

> you. IOWL is NOT a diet and it is not like any weight loss plan I have ever

> seen. The closest it gets from my reading (and, oh yes, I have read

> everything out there) is the book Normal Eating, but 's message

> touched me more deeply, and in a more practical way. She is a master at

> organizing thoughts in a useful, meaningful, cohesive way. So why did I

> gain the weight back? Because I stopped trusting my body again. I thought I

> needed to show it what's what and give it some tough love. Love, ha. Add a

> bit of feeling sorry for myself, a lot of black-and-white thinking, and I

> was on a roll again. Actually, I probably would roll if I fell down, but

> we'll save that fun for another day.

>

> So when says, " You must put in to get out, " she means it. I listened

> to a podcast nearly every day on my drive to work, sometimes on the way

> home, and now that I have heard them all, I shuffle them. But I stopped

> meditating, stopped putting myself first, stopped taking time to exercise,

> stopped gardening (wha?? that's my passion!), and I didn't do much more

> than spotty journal work, which surprised me most of all because I have a

> few Rubbermaid containers full of my old journals. I used to dream of being

> a writer until the day I realized I already was, so the journal part should

> come easy to me.

>

> Something is preventing me from benefiting from IOWL. I sure wish I knew

> what it was, but slowly getting back into it now, I feel a very VERY strong

> resistance, and that scares me.

>

> I am 48 and have a strong marriage of 9 years, no children except for the

> furry kind, a career I love, and an all around blessed life. Both my

> parents are still alive, though not exactly in vigorous health, and my only

> sibling has an extremely successful career, though I know he's lonely, too.

> I don't think I experienced sexual or physical abuse as a child, but my

> parents sucked away all my brother's and my confidence at a very young age,

> which led us to make chronically bad choices growing up because neither of

> us ever felt good enough. I lived my life pretty much apologizing for

> everything I did. I'm sure many of you know that little good comes from

> being a chronic people pleaser, especially in that it's nearly impossible

> to develop a strong sense of self when you care only about what other

> people think.

>

> So here I am. Intellectually but not spiritually smarter about being a

> normal eater, so not much closer to my goal. I don't know what I feel so

> much resistance to IOWL this time, and I suspect I have at least one or

> more whopping limiting beliefs, but I am at a loss as to how to identify

> them. Nothing comes up when I ask myself other than the worthiness issue,

> but I'll grant that's a big one. Not sure what to do about it, though. On

> the positive side, even though I am still overfat, my relationships have

> improved since I started listening to 's podcasts, both at home and at

> work, and I feel a lot less anger and resentment towards other people, so I

> have made at least some inroads. I am much more tolerant and forgiving, and

> such release of control does not come easy to perfectionists, but I bet you

> already know that. If only I could be tolerant and forgiving of myself.

>

> I want more. I deserve better. I signed up for 's class, but I should

> tell you that I have not read past the introduction, and I haven't done a

> single exercise from the homework assignment, and the first class is in 8

> hours. I so intended to do the work this time, so why this inner battle? I

> wish I knew. I'm holding onto something I am afraid to let go, but I don't

> know what it is.

>

> If you are still reading, thank you. I wrote this overly-long self

> introduction because I am a rational person who cannot intellectualize this

> away anymore. I don't know why I am resisting, probably because I don't

> want to feel whatever it is I am supposed to feel, but I do at least accept

> I can't do it on my own or I will forever be stuck where I am now.

>

> I hated writing it down because I never admit weakness, and I rarely let

> anyone know how I really feel (partly because I don't recognize feelings

> within myself) unless I am being perpetually cheerful or overly self

> deprecating in a funny ha ha way. *eye roll* But if I don't open up, I'll

> stay stuck inside my little world full of disgust, recrimination and self

> reproach, and I assure you it isn't a whole lot of fun in here.

>

> Hi, my name is Chloe, and I need your help.

>

> Here are my intentions:

>

> 1. Discover who I really am and what I want. I've been a chameleon for so

> long, I truly have no idea.

>

> 2. Accept--no believe--in my head, heart, and gut that I am worthy and end

> a lifetime of shame.

> 3. Discover my soul's gift and know that everything I need is already

> inside me.

> 4. Learn how to forgive myself more easily so I can quickly recover from

> slips.

>

> 5. Become a model of health and inner peace so my father asks what I am

> did to get that way.

> 6. Feel comfortable in my own skin.

> 7. Feel joy again.

> 8. Be more grateful and mindful.

> 9. Feel at peace around food; it's only food, not the Holy Grail or skull

> and crossbones

>

> I would love to read about your thoughts, experiences, successes,

> stumbling blocks, cautions, tips, and breakthroughs. And if any advice

> comes my way, don't feel you have to pussyfoot around. I like blunt.

>

> For those of you who have been doing this a long time and have found some

> success and inner peace, I'd also be curious if anything in my message

> stands out in particular. When I say I am starting at the beginning with

> hardly a clue, I really mean it. I'm stuck.

>

> OK, clicking SEND (typos and all) before I lose my nerve because I am this

> ( |---| ) close to not sending all this embarrassment.

>

>

[Guest guest]

I am and I would love to be your " friend " there.  I will try and find you and

send a request.  ) 

  Livingston

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 2:37 PM

Subject: Re: My (long) introduction--2.5 years overdue

because I need help

 

Thanks

Are you on Facebook? I'd be happy to add you!

On Wed, Jan 11, 2012 at 12:35 PM, Livingston

wrote:

> **

>

>

> Amelia--

>

> Talk about brave. Wow. You Rock. I am excited to follow your journey.

>

> Livingston

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: insideoutweightloss

> Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 12:22 PM

>

> Subject: Re: My (long) introduction--2.5 years

> overdue because I need help

>

>

> Hi Chloe --

>

> You are very brave for writing this out. You are definitely a writer... I

> felt your pain as you were getting it out. Did getting it out and down

> help at all? I would think it probably felt a bit like pulling an infected

> splinter -- it probably hurt like hell to do, but I bet you might be

> feeling a little relief now.

>

> I too was one of those who lurked here for quite some time before actually

> stepping up and introducing myself and talking. The book was what did it

> for me. I had listened to several podcasts and while they spoke to me and

> I related to them (some of them made me cry, they were so powerful), it

> just wasn't quite enough. The only answer I can give myself was, I wasn't

> ready then.

>

> I'm ready now.

>

> I can't explain that shift, but it happened the day after Christmas. I

> simply woke up and said " enough. " I didn't wait until New Years, I didn't

> even wait until that night when I received the book on my Kindle. I signed

> up for a free app that helps me track calories and exercise. It also

> reports my weigh-ins and exercise to facebook. When the app started

> posting, I was blown away by the people coming out of the woodwork to

> support me. When the book arrived, I dug right in. I chose a friend to be

> my buddy, someone who struggles like I do. She's not ready yet, but she's

> a good listener and she relates to my struggle. The other night I actually

> talked her through a food crisis. She's also doing Zumba... I think she's

> learning through me a bit.

>

> I didn't just post a photo in my journal, I posted that bad boy on

> facebook, complete with my starting weight -- 295 lbs. I was just grateful

> that I had never actually passed that 300 lb mark. The only other time in

> my life I have been this heavy was when I was 9 months pregnant with my

> daughter and developed high blood pressure and suddenly started retaining

> water like nobody's business. I was actually worried that some idiot might

> post it on the web to make fun of me, but instead I got about 50 likes and

> a huge string of comments about how brave I am.

>

> I made this public. I'm devoted to it. I won't back down.

>

> I want it.

>

> You have to want it too. That's not something anyone else can do for you.

>

> Attend the class, even if you didn't do the homework. She's not going to

> fail you or throw you out. It's okay. And really dig into Chapter 2

> because there's a lot of stuff in there I think you really need to hear.

>

> I'm glad you're here.

>

> Amelia

>

>

>

> > **

>

> >

> >

> > I have been monitoring this Yahoo group for a couple years now. I say

> > " monitoring " because I haven't been very active, and except for the rare

> > post since I joined, only lately have I been dipping my toe into the IOWL

> > group waters again. Years of self disgust caused me to isolate and

> withdraw

> > from the world. Sure, I go to work, and I don't skulk around wearing dark

> > sunglasses and a hooded sweatshirt like the Unabomber, but I do not have

> > one single friend outside my marriage. That makes me so sad! I pride

> myself

> > on being independent and self sufficient, but I now think I am very

> lonely.

> > Still, I don't reach out to anyone, and I am very reserved and aloof when

> > others make friendly overtures, always having an excuse why I can't do

> > something. Sometimes it surprises me that I am feel so alone, but why

> > should people try when I reject them? I suspect I emanate an overt " back

> > off " vibe.

> >

> > This is very hard for me to say, but if I want to heal myself from the

> > inside out, I must say it. Part of that withdrawal comes from feeling

> angry

> > and resentful at the shock of what I let myself become. When you grow up

> > caring only about what other people think about you, your entire inner

> > world changes, along with your self worth, when those thoughts are

> > obviously no longer good. I used to be that girl that men would run to

> hold

> > the door for--I even caused a traffic accident in Madrid, hee! I was

> > offered every job I interviewed for, got promoted quickly, and people in

> > services industries always rushed to help the pretty girl. I was

> ambitious

> > and worked hard, but looking good opened so many doors, and I took that

> for

> > granted for many years. In fact, it only fed into my unhealthy sense of

> > getting my self worth from external things, like the approval of others,

> > which was so important to me. That all came to a screeching halt after I

> > got fat. For the first

> > time in my life I experienced insults and men yelling mean things at me

> > when walking down the street, rather than hitting the car ahead of them

> > from gawking. I didn't get the job I interviewed for, even though I knew

> I

> > was the most qualified candidate. I got passed over for promotions or got

> > very tiny raises. I started to get exploited at work. And here's the

> irony:

> > Even though I am sometimes the fattest person in the room, I have become

> > invisible. INVISIBLE! Doors actually close in my face. So a large part of

> > my rejection of other people is so they can't reject me first. I have

> also

> > become so very tired of having to work even harder than normal to

> overcome

> > those first impressions (fat people are lazy, stupid ...). It's

> exhausting

> > on every level, and I don't think I even stop " performing " when I am

> alone.

> > How messed up is that?

> >

> > How did I change so drastically? I have never trusted my body, and I

> > learned not to trust myself because I did not feel worthy. That's thanks,

> > in large part to my mother,

> > but it didn't help that I came of age during Charlie's Angels and became

> a

> > young adult when supermodels were all the rage. I actually looked

> > good--no great--back then. I was extremely athletic, muscular, curvy,

> > and feminine. A nice, healthy 130 pounds on my 5'5 " frame. Without going

> > into the gritty details, I dieted my way up to more than 150 pounds

> > overweight, and each pound made me more and more sad, depressed,

> disgusted,

> > and angry.

> >

> > I've carried that self loathing and anger around for a long time,

> nurtured

> > it like it was my baby, one I often wished someone would adopt! So I

> > remember when I discovered the podcasts--it was like they had been

> written

> > specifically for me. Get that monkey off your back. Forgive yourself.

> Trust

> > your body. It took me more than 50 episodes before I saw the connection

> to

> > the Law of Attraction, something I have believed in my entire life, long

> > before I knew it was a philosophy, but never quite knew how to implement

> it

> > in my life. I have always been a big-time daydreamer (could drive for

> hours

> > with nothing but my thoughts), but I am also a fixer, always looking for

> > solutions and ways to improve things, so these podcasts really spoke to

> me.

> > Listening to them seemed to be enough for me at the time. Everything I

> > heard was new to me and so easy to incorporate it into my life, but I

> > didn't do the homework, and I certainly did not reach out to anyone else

> > doing

> > IOWL. I didn't need no steenkin' friends to help me lost weight!

> >

> > I easily released 50 pounds when I started listening to the IOWL podcasts

> > over a period of about 6 months. I threw away my top-weight clothes and

> > knew I had found the answer--that it already existed inside me--and that

> I

> > would never be that fat again. But it didn't last. I remember the

> catalyst.

> > My husband and I took my parents to dinner for my mother's birthday. I

> > decided to have dessert, and I was so upset with myself the next day, I

> > gave myself a case of The Awfukits and slowly gained almost all of it all

> > back.

> >

> > To anyone new, please don't take my experience as the way it will be for

> > you. IOWL is NOT a diet and it is not like any weight loss plan I have

> ever

> > seen. The closest it gets from my reading (and, oh yes, I have read

> > everything out there) is the book Normal Eating, but 's message

> > touched me more deeply, and in a more practical way. She is a master at

> > organizing thoughts in a useful, meaningful, cohesive way. So why did I

> > gain the weight back? Because I stopped trusting my body again. I

> thought I

> > needed to show it what's what and give it some tough love. Love, ha. Add

> a

> > bit of feeling sorry for myself, a lot of black-and-white thinking, and I

> > was on a roll again. Actually, I probably would roll if I fell down, but

> > we'll save that fun for another day.

> >

> > So when says, " You must put in to get out, " she means it. I

> listened

> > to a podcast nearly every day on my drive to work, sometimes on the way

> > home, and now that I have heard them all, I shuffle them. But I stopped

> > meditating, stopped putting myself first, stopped taking time to

> exercise,

> > stopped gardening (wha?? that's my passion!), and I didn't do much more

> > than spotty journal work, which surprised me most of all because I have a

> > few Rubbermaid containers full of my old journals. I used to dream of

> being

> > a writer until the day I realized I already was, so the journal part

> should

> > come easy to me.

> >

> > Something is preventing me from benefiting from IOWL. I sure wish I knew

> > what it was, but slowly getting back into it now, I feel a very VERY

> strong

> > resistance, and that scares me.

> >

> > I am 48 and have a strong marriage of 9 years, no children except for the

> > furry kind, a career I love, and an all around blessed life. Both my

> > parents are still alive, though not exactly in vigorous health, and my

> only

> > sibling has an extremely successful career, though I know he's lonely,

> too.

> > I don't think I experienced sexual or physical abuse as a child, but my

> > parents sucked away all my brother's and my confidence at a very young

> age,

> > which led us to make chronically bad choices growing up because neither

> of

> > us ever felt good enough. I lived my life pretty much apologizing for

> > everything I did. I'm sure many of you know that little good comes from

> > being a chronic people pleaser, especially in that it's nearly impossible

> > to develop a strong sense of self when you care only about what other

> > people think.

> >

> > So here I am. Intellectually but not spiritually smarter about being a

> > normal eater, so not much closer to my goal. I don't know what I feel so

> > much resistance to IOWL this time, and I suspect I have at least one or

> > more whopping limiting beliefs, but I am at a loss as to how to identify

> > them. Nothing comes up when I ask myself other than the worthiness issue,

> > but I'll grant that's a big one. Not sure what to do about it, though. On

> > the positive side, even though I am still overfat, my relationships have

> > improved since I started listening to 's podcasts, both at home and

> at

> > work, and I feel a lot less anger and resentment towards other people,

> so I

> > have made at least some inroads. I am much more tolerant and forgiving,

> and

> > such release of control does not come easy to perfectionists, but I bet

> you

> > already know that. If only I could be tolerant and forgiving of myself.

> >

> > I want more. I deserve better. I signed up for 's class, but I

> should

> > tell you that I have not read past the introduction, and I haven't done a

> > single exercise from the homework assignment, and the first class is in 8

> > hours. I so intended to do the work this time, so why this inner battle?

> I

> > wish I knew. I'm holding onto something I am afraid to let go, but I

> don't

> > know what it is.

> >

> > If you are still reading, thank you. I wrote this overly-long self

> > introduction because I am a rational person who cannot intellectualize

> this

> > away anymore. I don't know why I am resisting, probably because I don't

> > want to feel whatever it is I am supposed to feel, but I do at least

> accept

> > I can't do it on my own or I will forever be stuck where I am now.

> >

> > I hated writing it down because I never admit weakness, and I rarely let

> > anyone know how I really feel (partly because I don't recognize feelings

> > within myself) unless I am being perpetually cheerful or overly self

> > deprecating in a funny ha ha way. *eye roll* But if I don't open up, I'll

> > stay stuck inside my little world full of disgust, recrimination and self

> > reproach, and I assure you it isn't a whole lot of fun in here.

> >

> > Hi, my name is Chloe, and I need your help.

> >

> > Here are my intentions:

> >

> > 1. Discover who I really am and what I want. I've been a chameleon for so

> > long, I truly have no idea.

> >

> > 2. Accept--no believe--in my head, heart, and gut that I am worthy and

> end

> > a lifetime of shame.

> > 3. Discover my soul's gift and know that everything I need is already

> > inside me.

> > 4. Learn how to forgive myself more easily so I can quickly recover from

> > slips.

> >

> > 5. Become a model of health and inner peace so my father asks what I am

> > did to get that way.

> > 6. Feel comfortable in my own skin.

> > 7. Feel joy again.

> > 8. Be more grateful and mindful.

> > 9. Feel at peace around food; it's only food, not the Holy Grail or skull

> > and crossbones

> >

> > I would love to read about your thoughts, experiences, successes,

> > stumbling blocks, cautions, tips, and breakthroughs. And if any advice

> > comes my way, don't feel you have to pussyfoot around. I like blunt.

> >

> > For those of you who have been doing this a long time and have found some

> > success and inner peace, I'd also be curious if anything in my message

> > stands out in particular. When I say I am starting at the beginning with

> > hardly a clue, I really mean it. I'm stuck.

> >

> > OK, clicking SEND (typos and all) before I lose my nerve because I am

> this

> > ( |---| ) close to not sending all this embarrassment.

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hi Chloe, and thank you.

Wow, I can identify with so much of what you wrote. I too have suffered from

" awfukitis " and that part made me LOL. I am learning to let go of that urge to

fall face first in the ice cream cake because I already blew it. Perhaps I am

coming down with " restartitis? "  

Self image and self confidence have been at the root of my weight gain, and

addressing that is working for me. The way this has worked out though has been

different from what you describe. You wrote about being the " pretty girl " and

getting lots of attention for that. I can't really identify there. 

I know that was a lot more attractive back when I was young and thin, but I

never felt like I was attractive to others. I have always had the fear that

nobody could see me as handsome or sexy. I wondered why because I looked in the

mirror and saw someone reasonably good looking in my mind, with a mostly

symmetrical face and nice cheekbones. No dimples, and maybe my eyes were a bit

too small, but not really ugly either. I just never felt like anyone was

attracted to me. I never had a girlfriend until I was in my early twenties, and

those relationships were really superficial and never had much of a physical

component either. When I married, at the age of 26, my wife and I were both

virgins. This was due not so much to choice, as to incompetence and no

confidence. I would get a first kiss and then literally run in terror because I

had no idea what to do about it. I was like the dog chasing a car, what would I

do if I caught one?

I still don't know why I was so dysfunctional in any kind of sexual

relationship. I am still trying to figure it out now. After over 25 years of

marriage and 3 sons, I still feel sexually repellant and have no confidence in

myself as a sexual being. This, I think, contributed to many years of struggle

with pornography and sexual addiction. Those for me were a highly destructive

attempt at coping. Now in sobriety and recovery I am having to once more feel

the inadequacy I was covering up with acting out. I feel ugly and un-sexy and

un-want-able. 

Weight gain for me was extra insurance. It was adultery repellant. It worked for

a while. But then I got scared because I was getting obese. I could not climb a

flight of stairs without getting winded. I could not get off my back with skis

on my feet. I had lost control of my body and it was fighting back. My knees

were giving trouble, my health was suffering in numerous ways and I realized

that this was becoming life threatening. I started to lose weight. But about

twenty pounds into the weight loss, I realized my greatest fear and my shameful

secret fantasy. Somebody came on to me. I was like the low-hanging fruit ready

for picking. I had no self confidence, no self respect and my boundaries were

far too porous. I had an affair. The porn had weakened my resolve, eroded my

standards and warped my moral compass. I had already crossed so many boundaries

due to the tolerance phenomenon as my porn use had become compulsive and was out

of control. 

My wife and I had gone through some pretty hard times and our sexual

relationship was shaky. I felt entitled to a lot more than she was able to give.

I built up a lot of hidden and denied resentment on top of the usual ebb and

flow of marriage. I was immature and I did not know how much so. I was in big

trouble and I did not feel I had anywhere safe to turn. As a pastor I was

expected to have answers for others and to be a safe place to turn to. I felt

under a microscope and I was increasingly overwhelmed inside. 

The affair shocked me. One thing I was amazed by should have been also a warning

sign. My porn use stopped completely. Here was someone who was promising to

fulfill all my fantasies. Someone who would replace the bedroom eyes on the page

or screen with real ones. I did not realize that what seemed a positive was a

huge red flag of warning. I was in over my head for sure. I did not know how to

handle a healthy sexual relationship so an illicit one was more appealing. Once

it actually got going and we had two full sessions together, and took it " all

the way, " I realized what this was doing. It was going to destroy everything I

valued. It would destroy my marriage and my career as well. I stood to lose my

wife and my sons and my whole life as it was. I told her it had to end, that it

could not go on. 

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. She disclosed to her husband. My

nightmare scenario was realized. I lost my job, my career, my reputation. I was

shamed across the whole country and removed from my calling. It was the right

decision, though it could have been done in a less damaging way. I needed to be

away from ministry for a while. I am not yet ready to go back if I ever will. I

am not yet welcome, but I am not ready to push it either for various reasons. 

So here I am healing and trying to become a healthy adult. If I can manage to

get past all this, I will be far better at whatever I do. I am learning to

meditate. I am reading a LOT. I listen to podcasts, and I am trying to learn to

love ME. I spent ten years telling people that God loves them but at a gut

level, way down deep, I never believed it applied to me. I never felt adequate,

never complete, never worthy of love. But I am. Sometimes, on a good day, I can

say that and even start to believe it. 

What has it taken for me to accept that? Well, I had to get totally destroyed as

a consequences of my deep founded immaturity. I had to lose a lot of what I

valued and much of what I built my identity upon. I lost my reputation and my

position of respect and got kicked into the gutter. But what I found there was a

lot of other wounded souls that understood me. My fellows in recovery heard my

story of shame, the depths to which I sunk in my acting out, and they said,

" yeah, I did that too. " They did not run screaming, they did not kick me out,

they did not even cringe or look disgusted. They loved me. They understood and

accepted me and encouraged me. That gave me a chance to start accepting myself,

with all of my flaws failures and causes for shame. It also gave me the leverage

to start changing at a deeper level than I ever imagined. 

Now here I am. I am still dysfunctional in some important ways, but at least I

know where I am starting from. And I have support that is real and not based on

the false ideal image I projected for most of my life. I can be real and honest.

I can be myself and begin to find out who that actually is. I am kind of curious

to find out. I might even be attractive in the end to my wife. If I can love

myself, maybe she can learn to love the real me. I spent half my life trying to

be good enough for her to love me, but now I can be me and find out what she

actually thinks of me. It is sure to be interesting.

[Guest guest]

Carlton, thank you for sharing what must have been such intensely private

disappointment and shame with us. Wow. You've really been through a lot. I was

so glad to reach the end of your message and see that you have a solid

foundation of support around you. You have certainly lost parts of your life

that were important to you, but you still have yourself, and it sounds like your

wife is still willing to try ... which means you *are* loved.

Your struggles must have been particularly hard for you as a pastor, as I'd

assume you held yourself to a higher standard, wanting to be a model of pure

Christianity. I bet no one was harder on you than you were on yourself when you

stumbled. Shame is such an infuriating emotion--I wish it did not exist.

It saddens me that the ministry rejected you. Such a double standard is the

primary reasons I have been spiritual but not religious. As a young woman, I

learned that my grandmother, an extremely devout woman, divorced her husband who

beat her and her children viciously. She did it to protect her family, but the

Church excommunicated her. When she needed her faith the most, she was denied

it. Not fair.

I really hope you find what you are looking for in yourself and that you are at

peace with it. 

Chloe

________________________________

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 11:05 PM

Subject: Re: My (long) introduction--2.5 years overdue

because I need help

 

Hi Chloe, and thank you.

Wow, I can identify with so much of what you wrote. I too have suffered from

" awfukitis " and that part made me LOL. I am learning to let go of that urge to

fall face first in the ice cream cake because I already blew it. Perhaps I am

coming down with " restartitis? "  

Self image and self confidence have been at the root of my weight gain, and

addressing that is working for me. The way this has worked out though has been

different from what you describe. You wrote about being the " pretty girl " and

getting lots of attention for that. I can't really identify there. 

I know that was a lot more attractive back when I was young and thin, but I

never felt like I was attractive to others. I have always had the fear that

nobody could see me as handsome or sexy. I wondered why because I looked in the

mirror and saw someone reasonably good looking in my mind, with a mostly

symmetrical face and nice cheekbones. No dimples, and maybe my eyes were a bit

too small, but not really ugly either. I just never felt like anyone was

attracted to me. I never had a girlfriend until I was in my early twenties, and

those relationships were really superficial and never had much of a physical

component either. When I married, at the age of 26, my wife and I were both

virgins. This was due not so much to choice, as to incompetence and no

confidence. I would get a first kiss and then literally run in terror because I

had no idea what to do about it. I was like the dog chasing a car, what would I

do if I caught one?

I still don't know why I was so dysfunctional in any kind of sexual

relationship. I am still trying to figure it out now. After over 25 years of

marriage and 3 sons, I still feel sexually repellant and have no confidence in

myself as a sexual being. This, I think, contributed to many years of struggle

with pornography and sexual addiction. Those for me were a highly destructive

attempt at coping. Now in sobriety and recovery I am having to once more feel

the inadequacy I was covering up with acting out. I feel ugly and un-sexy and

un-want-able. 

Weight gain for me was extra insurance. It was adultery repellant. It worked for

a while. But then I got scared because I was getting obese. I could not climb a

flight of stairs without getting winded. I could not get off my back with skis

on my feet. I had lost control of my body and it was fighting back. My knees

were giving trouble, my health was suffering in numerous ways and I realized

that this was becoming life threatening. I started to lose weight. But about

twenty pounds into the weight loss, I realized my greatest fear and my shameful

secret fantasy. Somebody came on to me. I was like the low-hanging fruit ready

for picking. I had no self confidence, no self respect and my boundaries were

far too porous. I had an affair. The porn had weakened my resolve, eroded my

standards and warped my moral compass. I had already crossed so many boundaries

due to the tolerance phenomenon as my porn use had become compulsive and was out

of control. 

My wife and I had gone through some pretty hard times and our sexual

relationship was shaky. I felt entitled to a lot more than she was able to give.

I built up a lot of hidden and denied resentment on top of the usual ebb and

flow of marriage. I was immature and I did not know how much so. I was in big

trouble and I did not feel I had anywhere safe to turn. As a pastor I was

expected to have answers for others and to be a safe place to turn to. I felt

under a microscope and I was increasingly overwhelmed inside. 

The affair shocked me. One thing I was amazed by should have been also a warning

sign. My porn use stopped completely. Here was someone who was promising to

fulfill all my fantasies. Someone who would replace the bedroom eyes on the page

or screen with real ones. I did not realize that what seemed a positive was a

huge red flag of warning. I was in over my head for sure. I did not know how to

handle a healthy sexual relationship so an illicit one was more appealing. Once

it actually got going and we had two full sessions together, and took it " all

the way, " I realized what this was doing. It was going to destroy everything I

valued. It would destroy my marriage and my career as well. I stood to lose my

wife and my sons and my whole life as it was. I told her it had to end, that it

could not go on. 

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. She disclosed to her husband. My

nightmare scenario was realized. I lost my job, my career, my reputation. I was

shamed across the whole country and removed from my calling. It was the right

decision, though it could have been done in a less damaging way. I needed to be

away from ministry for a while. I am not yet ready to go back if I ever will. I

am not yet welcome, but I am not ready to push it either for various reasons. 

So here I am healing and trying to become a healthy adult. If I can manage to

get past all this, I will be far better at whatever I do. I am learning to

meditate. I am reading a LOT. I listen to podcasts, and I am trying to learn to

love ME. I spent ten years telling people that God loves them but at a gut

level, way down deep, I never believed it applied to me. I never felt adequate,

never complete, never worthy of love. But I am. Sometimes, on a good day, I can

say that and even start to believe it. 

What has it taken for me to accept that? Well, I had to get totally destroyed as

a consequences of my deep founded immaturity. I had to lose a lot of what I

valued and much of what I built my identity upon. I lost my reputation and my

position of respect and got kicked into the gutter. But what I found there was a

lot of other wounded souls that understood me. My fellows in recovery heard my

story of shame, the depths to which I sunk in my acting out, and they said,

" yeah, I did that too. " They did not run screaming, they did not kick me out,

they did not even cringe or look disgusted. They loved me. They understood and

accepted me and encouraged me. That gave me a chance to start accepting myself,

with all of my flaws failures and causes for shame. It also gave me the leverage

to start changing at a deeper level than I ever imagined. 

Now here I am. I am still dysfunctional in some important ways, but at least I

know where I am starting from. And I have support that is real and not based on

the false ideal image I projected for most of my life. I can be real and honest.

I can be myself and begin to find out who that actually is. I am kind of curious

to find out. I might even be attractive in the end to my wife. If I can love

myself, maybe she can learn to love the real me. I spent half my life trying to

be good enough for her to love me, but now I can be me and find out what she

actually thinks of me. It is sure to be interesting.

[Guest guest]

Oh, Amelia, what a horrible thing to hear from your mother. And what a

mean-spirited thing to say! I know would say there was a positive intent

behind your mom's statement, but there has to be a gentler way to get the point

across. I wish parents understood that their children have such a hard time

getting over such cruel things, and that just because we are now adults doesn't

mean they can't still hurt us.

My mother's mantra was, " You'd be so pretty, if only ... " which usually meant

losing weight. BUT I WASN'T FAT! I was muscular and had a bubble butt, and any

excess weight I carried around before I was 16 would have come from her. I

wasn't driving around and buying my own food, after all. Given her own food

history (which you can be sure she had) maybe she recognized an early, budding

obsession in food, which I never would have come up with on my own. While it's

true that I put that fork to my own mouth, I did not create my own obsession

with " good " and " bad " food and the need to look good but always feeling so fat,

ALWAYS feeling less than. That " less than " feeling consumed my entire being,

long before I carried around excess poundage and very likely made it all the

easier for me to gain weight. I mean, I'm already a piece of $h!t so I might as

well give in, right? <sigh>

I was seeing a therapist and she was excellent. She didn't believe in diets, and

she turned me on to Koenig's book Normal Eating. I guess that was around the

time I discovered IOWL, and I felt and looked so much better, I stopped seeing

Rosemary. 

Please don't misunderstand me, my mother has many many good qualities, and

knowing her history, I completely understand why she acted/acts the way she

did/does. Her grandmother told her when she was 6 that her father would not come

to the hospital to see his new baby because she wasn't a boy. So Mom's sense of

worthlessness started very early and she became a very needy person who was

always ON (constantly acting, a total fake). Interestingly, it was through

Rosemary that I learned my mother has NPD. Rosie and I looked it up in the

DSM-IV together. And although it did not make past and present hurts any easier,

I could at least intellectually reason Mom's behavior away and feel some

compassion for her, but dammit, I get tired of being the parent, yanno?

So since I don't really need the fat anymore, and I am not sure I ever did, I

have often asked myself that burning question: How is it serving me? And the

answer that more frequently bubbles to the top is that my getting and staying

fat (which also messed up my fertility and very likely made me unable to

conceive) is just a big F--- YOU to my mom. Yeah, I know ... it hurts her less

than it hurts me, but maybe I'm just being a big baby and throwing it in her

face every time she sees me and I am just the same old fat person she saw the

last time.

I do remember blubbering to Steel Magnolias back in the late 80s, but I'll wait.

I don't feel like opening those floodgates quite yet, and I did have a good cry

on Christmas eve when Winkie (my FIV+ cat) died.

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 4:09 PM

Subject: Re: My (long) introduction--2.5 years overdue

because I need help

 

Thanks Chloe ::hugs::

I think it's okay to mourn your losses. It's well-documented that proper

grief helps us to move past it. I can't answer your question as to whether

you will have to deal with the junk in the past. It sounds like, whether

you like it or not, it's really affecting you. I have a lot of junk in my

own past (and in my now). I have a therapist and I need those sessions to

help me get rid of the junk.

My mother was one of those " You're never good enough " people. I'm a

first-born and no matter what I did, I always could have done better.

She's never changed. Here's a horrible example:

A couple years ago, my sister received her Bachelors. Because I quit even

trying to be good enough, ages ago, I never even got my Associates

(something I regret personally). After the ceremony, as we are walking

back to the car, my mother says " You know, I'm really proud of her. " I

said, " I'm really proud of her too. She worked hard for this. " It's true,

she did work hard. She worked two jobs while she was in school. My mother

replies, " Just so you know, I'm prepared to be proud of you too, at any

time. "

Ouch.

I confronted my mom about this later and she said that " wasn't what she

meant. " I don't know what else she possible could have meant. It still

hurts, but I have to let it go. My mom is a major food trigger and all

those feelings of " I'm not good enough, I'm not worth anything " have stuck

with me for a looooooong time. I've been feeding myself to numb that.

But I had to deal with that. I can't heal my feelings of worthlessness

until I go back as a child and tell my mom that she was wrong. That I was

good enough. I'm so very careful about the things I say to my own

children. I never, ever want them to feel that sense of worthlessness and

powerlessness that I grew up with.

Everyone's journey will be different. See where the program takes you.

And hey, consider giving yourself a watching of " Steel Magnolias " or

something so you can just have a really good weep. I gotta tell you,

sometimes it feels sooooooo good.

Amelia

[Guest guest]

Carlton -- You are so brave for telling us your story. I can't imagine how

heartbreaking it must have been to go through all that. I agree with

Chloe. It's so wrong for you to be dropped by the church simply for being

an imperfect human being. As though none of them have ever fallen on their

butts. I won't go on that particular rant right now, but I really feel for

you.

Chloe -- My mother has issues, no question. She has bipolar disorder,

which I was lucky enough to inherit (thanks mom!). I'm on medication now,

but a little part of me is terrified that this newfound motivation is just

me slipping into a manic cycle. I don't think it is, but I've been on that

particular roller coaster before.

I'm quite familiar with narcissistic personality disorder. My first

husband had it. I don't know if he knows he was diagnosed with it, I found

out by accident. Horrible long story there, I'll spare us all. But I will

say that he never would have been a part of my life if I hadn't had such

feelings of worthlessness. I jumped on " the one man who would have me " and

then he did his very best to keep me feeling that way. He gave me my son,

who I love very much, but left such a trail of pain and destruction behind

him. I'm so grateful for the husband I have now. My therapist laughs at

me because I gripe about how cuddly and lovey he is! What on earth is

wrong with me?!?!?

I still love my mom. We get along much better now that we are about two

hours' drive from each other!

> **

>

>

> Oh, Amelia, what a horrible thing to hear from your mother. And what a

> mean-spirited thing to say! I know would say there was a positive

> intent behind your mom's statement, but there has to be a gentler way to

> get the point across. I wish parents understood that their children have

> such a hard time getting over such cruel things, and that just because we

> are now adults doesn't mean they can't still hurt us.

>

> My mother's mantra was, " You'd be so pretty, if only ... " which usually

> meant losing weight. BUT I WASN'T FAT! I was muscular and had a bubble

> butt, and any excess weight I carried around before I was 16 would have

> come from her. I wasn't driving around and buying my own food, after all.

> Given her own food history (which you can be sure she had) maybe she

> recognized an early, budding obsession in food, which I never would have

> come up with on my own. While it's true that I put that fork to my own

> mouth, I did not create my own obsession with " good " and " bad " food and the

> need to look good but always feeling so fat, ALWAYS feeling less than. That

> " less than " feeling consumed my entire being, long before I carried around

> excess poundage and very likely made it all the easier for me to gain

> weight. I mean, I'm already a piece of $h!t so I might as well give in,

> right? <sigh>

>

> I was seeing a therapist and she was excellent. She didn't believe in

> diets, and she turned me on to Koenig's book Normal Eating. I guess that

> was around the time I discovered IOWL, and I felt and looked so much

> better, I stopped seeing Rosemary.

>

> Please don't misunderstand me, my mother has many many good qualities, and

> knowing her history, I completely understand why she acted/acts the way she

> did/does. Her grandmother told her when she was 6 that her father would not

> come to the hospital to see his new baby because she wasn't a boy. So Mom's

> sense of worthlessness started very early and she became a very needy

> person who was always ON (constantly acting, a total fake). Interestingly,

> it was through Rosemary that I learned my mother has NPD. Rosie and I

> looked it up in the DSM-IV together. And although it did not make past and

> present hurts any easier, I could at least intellectually reason Mom's

> behavior away and feel some compassion for her, but dammit, I get tired of

> being the parent, yanno?

>

> So since I don't really need the fat anymore, and I am not sure I ever

> did, I have often asked myself that burning question: How is it serving me?

> And the answer that more frequently bubbles to the top is that my getting

> and staying fat (which also messed up my fertility and very likely made me

> unable to conceive) is just a big F--- YOU to my mom. Yeah, I know ... it

> hurts her less than it hurts me, but maybe I'm just being a big baby and

> throwing it in her face every time she sees me and I am just the same old

> fat person she saw the last time.

>

> I do remember blubbering to Steel Magnolias back in the late 80s, but I'll

> wait. I don't feel like opening those floodgates quite yet, and I did have

> a good cry on Christmas eve when Winkie (my FIV+ cat) died.

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: insideoutweightloss

> Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 4:09 PM

>

> Subject: Re: My (long) introduction--2.5 years

> overdue because I need help

>

>

>

> Thanks Chloe ::hugs::

>

> I think it's okay to mourn your losses. It's well-documented that proper

> grief helps us to move past it. I can't answer your question as to whether

> you will have to deal with the junk in the past. It sounds like, whether

> you like it or not, it's really affecting you. I have a lot of junk in my

> own past (and in my now). I have a therapist and I need those sessions to

> help me get rid of the junk.

>

> My mother was one of those " You're never good enough " people. I'm a

> first-born and no matter what I did, I always could have done better.

> She's never changed. Here's a horrible example:

>

> A couple years ago, my sister received her Bachelors. Because I quit even

> trying to be good enough, ages ago, I never even got my Associates

> (something I regret personally). After the ceremony, as we are walking

> back to the car, my mother says " You know, I'm really proud of her. " I

> said, " I'm really proud of her too. She worked hard for this. " It's true,

> she did work hard. She worked two jobs while she was in school. My mother

> replies, " Just so you know, I'm prepared to be proud of you too, at any

> time. "

>

> Ouch.

>

> I confronted my mom about this later and she said that " wasn't what she

> meant. " I don't know what else she possible could have meant. It still

> hurts, but I have to let it go. My mom is a major food trigger and all

> those feelings of " I'm not good enough, I'm not worth anything " have stuck

> with me for a looooooong time. I've been feeding myself to numb that.

>

> But I had to deal with that. I can't heal my feelings of worthlessness

> until I go back as a child and tell my mom that she was wrong. That I was

> good enough. I'm so very careful about the things I say to my own

> children. I never, ever want them to feel that sense of worthlessness and

> powerlessness that I grew up with.

>

> Everyone's journey will be different. See where the program takes you.

> And hey, consider giving yourself a watching of " Steel Magnolias " or

> something so you can just have a really good weep. I gotta tell you,

> sometimes it feels sooooooo good.

>

> Amelia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Carlton,

 

So glad you shared your story with us.  Again, I am so impressed with the

honest and transparency in this group.

 

I can certainly relate to the feelings of  shame you have felt.  And I too

feel so uncomfortable in my body that sexuality has a hard time finding a

healthy place in my life.  It is hard to be touched and I have allowed abuses

against my body by others that if I should never have endured. 

New beginnings.

  Livingston

________________________________

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 10:05 PM

Subject: Re: My (long) introduction--2.5 years overdue

because I need help

 

Hi Chloe, and thank you.

Wow, I can identify with so much of what you wrote. I too have suffered from

" awfukitis " and that part made me LOL. I am learning to let go of that urge to

fall face first in the ice cream cake because I already blew it. Perhaps I am

coming down with " restartitis? "  

Self image and self confidence have been at the root of my weight gain, and

addressing that is working for me. The way this has worked out though has been

different from what you describe. You wrote about being the " pretty girl " and

getting lots of attention for that. I can't really identify there. 

I know that was a lot more attractive back when I was young and thin, but I

never felt like I was attractive to others. I have always had the fear that

nobody could see me as handsome or sexy. I wondered why because I looked in the

mirror and saw someone reasonably good looking in my mind, with a mostly

symmetrical face and nice cheekbones. No dimples, and maybe my eyes were a bit

too small, but not really ugly either. I just never felt like anyone was

attracted to me. I never had a girlfriend until I was in my early twenties, and

those relationships were really superficial and never had much of a physical

component either. When I married, at the age of 26, my wife and I were both

virgins. This was due not so much to choice, as to incompetence and no

confidence. I would get a first kiss and then literally run in terror because I

had no idea what to do about it. I was like the dog chasing a car, what would I

do if I caught one?

I still don't know why I was so dysfunctional in any kind of sexual

relationship. I am still trying to figure it out now. After over 25 years of

marriage and 3 sons, I still feel sexually repellant and have no confidence in

myself as a sexual being. This, I think, contributed to many years of struggle

with pornography and sexual addiction. Those for me were a highly destructive

attempt at coping. Now in sobriety and recovery I am having to once more feel

the inadequacy I was covering up with acting out. I feel ugly and un-sexy and

un-want-able. 

Weight gain for me was extra insurance. It was adultery repellant. It worked for

a while. But then I got scared because I was getting obese. I could not climb a

flight of stairs without getting winded. I could not get off my back with skis

on my feet. I had lost control of my body and it was fighting back. My knees

were giving trouble, my health was suffering in numerous ways and I realized

that this was becoming life threatening. I started to lose weight. But about

twenty pounds into the weight loss, I realized my greatest fear and my shameful

secret fantasy. Somebody came on to me. I was like the low-hanging fruit ready

for picking. I had no self confidence, no self respect and my boundaries were

far too porous. I had an affair. The porn had weakened my resolve, eroded my

standards and warped my moral compass. I had already crossed so many boundaries

due to the tolerance phenomenon as my porn use had become compulsive and was out

of control. 

My wife and I had gone through some pretty hard times and our sexual

relationship was shaky. I felt entitled to a lot more than she was able to give.

I built up a lot of hidden and denied resentment on top of the usual ebb and

flow of marriage. I was immature and I did not know how much so. I was in big

trouble and I did not feel I had anywhere safe to turn. As a pastor I was

expected to have answers for others and to be a safe place to turn to. I felt

under a microscope and I was increasingly overwhelmed inside. 

The affair shocked me. One thing I was amazed by should have been also a warning

sign. My porn use stopped completely. Here was someone who was promising to

fulfill all my fantasies. Someone who would replace the bedroom eyes on the page

or screen with real ones. I did not realize that what seemed a positive was a

huge red flag of warning. I was in over my head for sure. I did not know how to

handle a healthy sexual relationship so an illicit one was more appealing. Once

it actually got going and we had two full sessions together, and took it " all

the way, " I realized what this was doing. It was going to destroy everything I

valued. It would destroy my marriage and my career as well. I stood to lose my

wife and my sons and my whole life as it was. I told her it had to end, that it

could not go on. 

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. She disclosed to her husband. My

nightmare scenario was realized. I lost my job, my career, my reputation. I was

shamed across the whole country and removed from my calling. It was the right

decision, though it could have been done in a less damaging way. I needed to be

away from ministry for a while. I am not yet ready to go back if I ever will. I

am not yet welcome, but I am not ready to push it either for various reasons. 

So here I am healing and trying to become a healthy adult. If I can manage to

get past all this, I will be far better at whatever I do. I am learning to

meditate. I am reading a LOT. I listen to podcasts, and I am trying to learn to

love ME. I spent ten years telling people that God loves them but at a gut

level, way down deep, I never believed it applied to me. I never felt adequate,

never complete, never worthy of love. But I am. Sometimes, on a good day, I can

say that and even start to believe it. 

What has it taken for me to accept that? Well, I had to get totally destroyed

as a consequences of my deep founded immaturity. I had to lose a lot of what I

valued and much of what I built my identity upon. I lost my reputation and my

position of respect and got kicked into the gutter. But what I found there was a

lot of other wounded souls that understood me. My fellows in recovery heard my

story of shame, the depths to which I sunk in my acting out, and they said,

" yeah, I did that too. " They did not run screaming, they did not kick me out,

they did not even cringe or look disgusted. They loved me. They understood and

accepted me and encouraged me. That gave me a chance to start accepting myself,

with all of my flaws failures and causes for shame. It also gave me the leverage

to start changing at a deeper level than I ever imagined. 

Now here I am. I am still dysfunctional in some important ways, but at least I

know where I am starting from. And I have support that is real and not based on

the false ideal image I projected for most of my life. I can be real and honest.

I can be myself and begin to find out who that actually is. I am kind of curious

to find out. I might even be attractive in the end to my wife. If I can love

myself, maybe she can learn to love the real me. I spent half my life trying to

be good enough for her to love me, but now I can be me and find out what she

actually thinks of me. It is sure to be interesting.

[Guest guest]

Carlton -

It was very brave of you to post this. You've taken a big step in the right

direction.

b.

>

> Hi Chloe, and thank you.

>

> Wow, I can identify with so much of what you wrote. I too have suffered from

" awfukitis " and that part made me LOL. I am learning to let go of that urge to

fall face first in the ice cream cake because I already blew it. Perhaps I am

coming down with " restartitis? "  

>

> Self image and self confidence have been at the root of my weight gain, and

addressing that is working for me. The way this has worked out though has been

different from what you describe. You wrote about being the " pretty girl " and

getting lots of attention for that. I can't really identify there. 

>

> I know that was a lot more attractive back when I was young and thin, but I

never felt like I was attractive to others. I have always had the fear that

nobody could see me as handsome or sexy. I wondered why because I looked in the

mirror and saw someone reasonably good looking in my mind, with a mostly

symmetrical face and nice cheekbones. No dimples, and maybe my eyes were a bit

too small, but not really ugly either. I just never felt like anyone was

attracted to me. I never had a girlfriend until I was in my early twenties, and

those relationships were really superficial and never had much of a physical

component either. When I married, at the age of 26, my wife and I were both

virgins. This was due not so much to choice, as to incompetence and no

confidence. I would get a first kiss and then literally run in terror because I

had no idea what to do about it. I was like the dog chasing a car, what would I

do if I caught one?

>

> I still don't know why I was so dysfunctional in any kind of sexual

relationship. I am still trying to figure it out now. After over 25 years of

marriage and 3 sons, I still feel sexually repellant and have no confidence in

myself as a sexual being. This, I think, contributed to many years of struggle

with pornography and sexual addiction. Those for me were a highly destructive

attempt at coping. Now in sobriety and recovery I am having to once more feel

the inadequacy I was covering up with acting out. I feel ugly and un-sexy and

un-want-able. 

>

> Weight gain for me was extra insurance. It was adultery repellant. It worked

for a while. But then I got scared because I was getting obese. I could not

climb a flight of stairs without getting winded. I could not get off my back

with skis on my feet. I had lost control of my body and it was fighting back. My

knees were giving trouble, my health was suffering in numerous ways and I

realized that this was becoming life threatening. I started to lose weight. But

about twenty pounds into the weight loss, I realized my greatest fear and my

shameful secret fantasy. Somebody came on to me. I was like the low-hanging

fruit ready for picking. I had no self confidence, no self respect and my

boundaries were far too porous. I had an affair. The porn had weakened my

resolve, eroded my standards and warped my moral compass. I had already crossed

so many boundaries due to the tolerance phenomenon as my porn use had become

compulsive and was out of control. 

>

> My wife and I had gone through some pretty hard times and our sexual

relationship was shaky. I felt entitled to a lot more than she was able to give.

I built up a lot of hidden and denied resentment on top of the usual ebb and

flow of marriage. I was immature and I did not know how much so. I was in big

trouble and I did not feel I had anywhere safe to turn. As a pastor I was

expected to have answers for others and to be a safe place to turn to. I felt

under a microscope and I was increasingly overwhelmed inside. 

>

> The affair shocked me. One thing I was amazed by should have been also a

warning sign. My porn use stopped completely. Here was someone who was promising

to fulfill all my fantasies. Someone who would replace the bedroom eyes on the

page or screen with real ones. I did not realize that what seemed a positive was

a huge red flag of warning. I was in over my head for sure. I did not know how

to handle a healthy sexual relationship so an illicit one was more appealing.

Once it actually got going and we had two full sessions together, and took it

" all the way, " I realized what this was doing. It was going to destroy

everything I valued. It would destroy my marriage and my career as well. I stood

to lose my wife and my sons and my whole life as it was. I told her it had to

end, that it could not go on. 

>

> Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. She disclosed to her husband. My

nightmare scenario was realized. I lost my job, my career, my reputation. I was

shamed across the whole country and removed from my calling. It was the right

decision, though it could have been done in a less damaging way. I needed to be

away from ministry for a while. I am not yet ready to go back if I ever will. I

am not yet welcome, but I am not ready to push it either for various reasons. 

>

> So here I am healing and trying to become a healthy adult. If I can manage to

get past all this, I will be far better at whatever I do. I am learning to

meditate. I am reading a LOT. I listen to podcasts, and I am trying to learn to

love ME. I spent ten years telling people that God loves them but at a gut

level, way down deep, I never believed it applied to me. I never felt adequate,

never complete, never worthy of love. But I am. Sometimes, on a good day, I can

say that and even start to believe it. 

>

> What has it taken for me to accept that? Well, I had to get totally destroyed

as a consequences of my deep founded immaturity. I had to lose a lot of what I

valued and much of what I built my identity upon. I lost my reputation and my

position of respect and got kicked into the gutter. But what I found there was a

lot of other wounded souls that understood me. My fellows in recovery heard my

story of shame, the depths to which I sunk in my acting out, and they said,

" yeah, I did that too. " They did not run screaming, they did not kick me out,

they did not even cringe or look disgusted. They loved me. They understood and

accepted me and encouraged me. That gave me a chance to start accepting myself,

with all of my flaws failures and causes for shame. It also gave me the leverage

to start changing at a deeper level than I ever imagined. 

>

> Now here I am. I am still dysfunctional in some important ways, but at least I

know where I am starting from. And I have support that is real and not based on

the false ideal image I projected for most of my life. I can be real and honest.

I can be myself and begin to find out who that actually is. I am kind of curious

to find out. I might even be attractive in the end to my wife. If I can love

myself, maybe she can learn to love the real me. I spent half my life trying to

be good enough for her to love me, but now I can be me and find out what she

actually thinks of me. It is sure to be interesting.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sad to hear about your cat. 

Pets are a source of the kind of unconditional love that is rare and most

precious. My old Tabby Tom, officially known by us as Taffy and " The Golden

Bullet " is aging fast and not all that well. He still purrs on anyone that needs

it and finds them when they do. It will be a very very sad day around where when

he climbs the big tree to hunt celestial birds. It is a very real loss when a

precious bundle of love leaves us.

 

Carlton Larsen, Ba, Bgp

Freelance Musician

426 Pinehouse Drive

Saskatoon Sk

S7K4X5

________________________________

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Sent: Thursday, January 12, 2012 7:53:47 AM

Subject: Re: My (long) introduction--2.5 years overdue

because I need help

 

Oh, Amelia, what a horrible thing to hear from your mother. And what a

mean-spirited thing to say! I know would say there was a positive intent

behind your mom's statement, but there has to be a gentler way to get the point

across. I wish parents understood that their children have such a hard time

getting over such cruel things, and that just because we are now adults doesn't

mean they can't still hurt us.

My mother's mantra was, " You'd be so pretty, if only ... " which usually meant

losing weight. BUT I WASN'T FAT! I was muscular and had a bubble butt, and any

excess weight I carried around before I was 16 would have come from her. I

wasn't driving around and buying my own food, after all. Given her own food

history (which you can be sure she had) maybe she recognized an early, budding

obsession in food, which I never would have come up with on my own. While it's

true that I put that fork to my own mouth, I did not create my own obsession

with " good " and " bad " food and the need to look good but always feeling so fat,

ALWAYS feeling less than. That " less than " feeling consumed my entire being,

long before I carried around excess poundage and very likely made it all the

easier for me to gain weight. I mean, I'm already a piece of $h!t so I might as

well give in, right? <sigh>

I was seeing a therapist and she was excellent. She didn't believe in diets, and

she turned me on to Koenig's book Normal Eating. I guess that was around the

time I discovered IOWL, and I felt and looked so much better, I stopped seeing

Rosemary. 

Please don't misunderstand me, my mother has many many good qualities, and

knowing her history, I completely understand why she acted/acts the way she

did/does. Her grandmother told her when she was 6 that her father would not come

to the hospital to see his new baby because she wasn't a boy. So Mom's sense of

worthlessness started very early and she became a very needy person who was

always ON (constantly acting, a total fake). Interestingly, it was through

Rosemary that I learned my mother has NPD. Rosie and I looked it up in the

DSM-IV together. And although it did not make past and present hurts any easier,

I could at least intellectually reason Mom's behavior away and feel some

compassion for her, but dammit, I get tired of being the parent, yanno?

So since I don't really need the fat anymore, and I am not sure I ever did, I

have often asked myself that burning question: How is it serving me? And the

answer that more frequently bubbles to the top is that my getting and staying

fat (which also messed up my fertility and very likely made me unable to

conceive) is just a big F--- YOU to my mom. Yeah, I know ... it hurts her less

than it hurts me, but maybe I'm just being a big baby and throwing it in her

face every time she sees me and I am just the same old fat person she saw the

last time.

I do remember blubbering to Steel Magnolias back in the late 80s, but I'll wait.

I don't feel like opening those floodgates quite yet, and I did have a good cry

on Christmas eve when Winkie (my FIV+ cat) died.

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 4:09 PM

Subject: Re: My (long) introduction--2.5 years overdue

because I need help

 

Thanks Chloe ::hugs::

I think it's okay to mourn your losses. It's well-documented that proper

grief helps us to move past it. I can't answer your question as to whether

you will have to deal with the junk in the past. It sounds like, whether

you like it or not, it's really affecting you. I have a lot of junk in my

own past (and in my now). I have a therapist and I need those sessions to

help me get rid of the junk.

My mother was one of those " You're never good enough " people. I'm a

first-born and no matter what I did, I always could have done better.

She's never changed. Here's a horrible example:

A couple years ago, my sister received her Bachelors. Because I quit even

trying to be good enough, ages ago, I never even got my Associates

(something I regret personally). After the ceremony, as we are walking

back to the car, my mother says " You know, I'm really proud of her. " I

said, " I'm really proud of her too. She worked hard for this. " It's true,

she did work hard. She worked two jobs while she was in school. My mother

replies, " Just so you know, I'm prepared to be proud of you too, at any

time. "

Ouch.

I confronted my mom about this later and she said that " wasn't what she

meant. " I don't know what else she possible could have meant. It still

hurts, but I have to let it go. My mom is a major food trigger and all

those feelings of " I'm not good enough, I'm not worth anything " have stuck

with me for a looooooong time. I've been feeding myself to numb that.

But I had to deal with that. I can't heal my feelings of worthlessness

until I go back as a child and tell my mom that she was wrong. That I was

good enough. I'm so very careful about the things I say to my own

children. I never, ever want them to feel that sense of worthlessness and

powerlessness that I grew up with.

Everyone's journey will be different. See where the program takes you.

And hey, consider giving yourself a watching of " Steel Magnolias " or

something so you can just have a really good weep. I gotta tell you,

sometimes it feels sooooooo good.

Amelia

[Guest guest]

Thanks Carlton.

Winky (who actually had the more dignified given name of Winston) was the last

of the FIV+ boys we adopted. We had already lost Elias, Grendel, and Pig between

2004 and 2011.

Pig, alas did not have a dignified name, other than occasionally being called

Duke of Pork. Most often, he often went by his porno name, Pork Piggler, or his

Hollywood name, Porker Posey.

(My husband and I do really warped things to our pets' names. We're a dark and

twisty couple.)

I agree losing a pet is a terrible thing to go through, but the weeks or months

I spend grieving are nothing compared to the years of joy from having them

around. Unfortunately cats with AIDS don't live as long as other cats, but we

gave them a good home and loved them a lot.

We still have 5 cats left, two who are Toms but were lucky to not get the

virus. 

My two mantras, which my cats taught me, are: " Live to serve " and " People have

pets; cats have support staff. "

Chloe

________________________________

Sad to hear about your cat. 

Pets are a source of the kind of unconditional love that is rare and most

precious. My old Tabby Tom, officially known by us as Taffy and " The Golden

Bullet " is aging fast and not all that well. He still purrs on anyone that needs

it and finds them when they do. It will be a very very sad day around where when

he climbs the big tree to hunt celestial birds. It is a very real loss when a

precious bundle of love leaves us.

 

________________________________

 

<snip>I do remember blubbering to Steel Magnolias back in the late 80s, but I'll

wait. I don't feel like opening those floodgates quite yet, and I did have a

good cry on Christmas eve when Winkie (my FIV+ cat) died.

[Guest guest]

>

> My two mantras, which my cats taught me, are: " Live to serve " and " People have

pets; cats have support staff. "

>

> Chloe

>

I thought it was, " Dogs have owners. Cats have staff... "

<g>

Eldred

[Guest guest]

Oh to be sure! But since my cats taught me, they would have left that dog part

out completely.

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Friday, January 13, 2012 3:45 PM

Subject: Re: My (long) introduction--2.5 years overdue

because I need help

 

>

> My two mantras, which my cats taught me, are: " Live to serve " and " People have

pets; cats have support staff. "

I thought it was, " Dogs have owners. Cats have staff... "

<g>