GR Rant that requires some history (WAS: [ IOWL | FF ] Blog call!)

January 13, 2012

Ugh. Geneen Roth. That is a name from the past I hoped never to hear again with

many apologies in advance to Karin.

I am sure Geneen is wildly popular--she was one of the pioneers of normal

eating, at least in my little brain two decades ago. Unfortunately, she was not

for me. Maybe she delivers content in a more tangible, practical way, and maybe

I have a better foundation under me 20 years later, especially now that I've

been listening to 's more intuitive, useful and important work, but I can't

help but recoil from the thought of reading anything written by Geneen. Sowwy

.........

It's obviously not her fault that I did not know how to process what I was

reading in a way that was healthy for me, or maybe I wasn't ready for it, but

that's the thing. I WAS ready. I really and truly was. I was desperate to love

and accept myself and stop obsessing about food, even though I still had tight

control over my size and liked the way I looked for the most part. I " saw "

myself on just about every page Geneen wrote (although raw cookie dough was

never my thing). But Geneen was, with zero doubt in my mind, the catalyst; she

represents the beginning of the end of my normal-sized body. Poor Geneen. She

forever remains deeply embroidered as part of my weight gain story since her

message set the whole thing in motion based on the knowledge and tools I had

then. She's that friend who betrayed me by leading me down the wrong path.

I might as well explain what happened so I don't sound like a ranting, lunatic,

Geneen basher. It's not her, really. It's how I interpreted her, but if I'd not

discovered her books, things might have been a lot different. I'll never know.

I had gained 15 pounds after an emergency appendectomy, which wasn't *that* big

a deal because I was still highly active (except while recovering, of course). I

wasn't thrilled with the flubber, but I'd had major surgery, and I could easily

drop 10 pounds with diet and lose the remaining 5 over a couple months as my

activity levels increased. No biggie. In fact, my weight maintenance range for

many years was 135-150 pounds, partly because of my athleticism, and I never had

any problem staying within that range, usually at the lower end. I was already

an adult, into my 30s, and had been the same shape and size since I was 15. I

happened to pick up a GR book while I was recovering, had my eyes bug out from

the thought of not dieting, and then bought all her books I could get hold of (5

at the time, if I recall).

To this day, I don't really remember what WRONG thing happened to me, I

certainly didn't eat raw cookies, but it was a utter and total food disaster. I

did a HUGE amount of journaling about what I read; I even started doing it on

the computer so I could write faster, pour my heart out, but all I felt was more

miserable. I even got a therapist who convinced me I ate because of my Starter

Husband (not true) and let me think divorce was a good idea. This was 1992.

October to be exact.

I read what she wrote, thought about it constantly, tried to eat " normally " and

what I wanted, gained weight, felt frustrated with myself that it wasn't

working, felt terrible, tried again with new resolve, gained weight, ate more

out of frustration, gained more, ate, gained, felt out of control, ate, gained,

blah blah woof woof.

By the time I pulled myself out of that mess I weighed 180 pounds. I was

horrified. I had gained 30 pounds over my top weight EVER, and I was now 50

pounds above my ideal weight. What had previously been a small weight-loss task

was now something I had never had to face before. 50 pounds was enormous. It

felt impossible. I was in total despair. I was now clinically obese. I was now

FAT. You can't imagine the horror and shame. Actually, most of you probably can.

I began isolating, hating myself for my lack of discipline, withdrawing

physically and emotionally from the world. I didn't show up for anyone. I didn't

show up for myself. My marriage deteriorated, and my self worth was circling the

drain. As we all know, it's far too easy to continue down the awfukit path when

we are already lower than a snake's belly.

I became clinically depressed and did nothing but cry all day. I should also say

that I was living in Bar Harbor at the time, a place where they roll the

sidewalks up in October. We'd just moved there, and I was very alone. I was put

on massive doses of Prozac (80mg a day, when 10-20mg is the norm), but all that

did was make me numb. Oh, and it wreaked havoc with my metabolism tank and

created insane carb cravings. I lived on peanut butter sandwiches and read and

slept all day. I now realize I was experiencing hormonal shifts from blood

glucose but had no knowledge about insulin or restricting carbs to feel better.

Exercise? Forget it. I was to ashamed to let anyone see me. Ha ha look at the

fatty out there walking. Yes, that is how my brain worked.

My lack of knowledge wasn't because I wasn't curious. This was just before the

internet. I had a Prodigy account, but my online activity was pretty limited to

what was available in the early 90s. Conduct searches online? Nope. This was

long before Google. A few years before Dogpile. All I had at my disposal was a

doctor (the misguided therapist's husband) who told me to eat less and exercise

more (thanks, dude), a stack of self help books, and a pile of women's magazines

that were supposed to motivate me but only made me feel worse. (I also didn't

know about airbrushing back then, and though there were perfect people walking

around.)

By the time I emerged from that undulating black funk, I weighed 220 pounds. My

contract at Jax was ending. I was single again. I had to leave paradise and

temporarily move back home with my parents with my tail between my legs. I made

finding a job my fulltime job and I did it. I was in my own apartment, with a

great job, in a new state within 3 months, but before I left, I had discovered

OA, which was the the second greatest diet disaster that happened to me after

Geneen and not counting the horror of the Food Pyramid and the high-carb/lowfat

lifestyle. OA told me I could not only trust myself or my body but that I would

never ever be able to trust it again, that I was an addict and I would always be

one. I'll save that story for another day.

Oh, and 220 was not my top weight. 320 was. So for those of you who love reading

Geneen, forgive me for saying she is one friend I don't mind leaving behind, as

my memories of that time I spent with her were extremely traumatic. To each her

or her own.

Peace out,

Chloe

________________________________

Geneen Roth has written a book about just how food and money struggles are

related: Lost and Found, Unexpected Revelations about Food and Money.

I never relealized how my " issues " with both are related till I read it. As

always with Geneen's work: one eye opener after another!

January 13, 2012

No offence taken, dear Chloe. I can see how GR can steer you the wrong way in

more than only one set of circumstances (as she does aknowlegde herself, though

you probably don't want to hear this LOL). Somehow I can't possibly see how that

could ever happen with 's teachings: I for one feel completely safe with

her and myself now:-)

Houdoe/take care, karin

Verstuurd vanaf mijn iPad

Op 13 jan. 2012 om 21:27 heeft skwpt het volgende geschreven:

> Ugh. Geneen Roth. That is a name from the past I hoped never to hear again

with many apologies in advance to Karin.

>

> I am sure Geneen is wildly popular--she was one of the pioneers of normal