Re: Best first guess: what's your inner conflict?

[Guest guest]

As I think about the reasons that I choose to avoid other things, I see a

pattern. I'm a 4th born baby of the family- by the time ideas got to me all

decisions had already been made, my job was always to jump on the bandwagon or

decide not to. I make decisions well, but I begin to see that I have a pattern

of giving responsibility away to keep my life less complicated. I love, love,

love my free time. I don't really like the idea of growing up and losing the

time to be creative, to be quiet, to do whatever I choose to do with my time. I

think the restricting diets and jobs and grown up life are stripping this from

me. That " one more cookie won't hurt " moment is a rebellion against these

things.

So what would happen if I could see my decisions as an adult as being capable

of returning myself to having more freedoms and less complications in my life.

That it is my poor behaviors that are stripping these things from me?

[Guest guest]

Interesting question and response. And, I think there is a lesson about myself

in here for me, so I thank you a.

It's funny, I am the exact opposite..I am adopted (at 2 weeks old) by a boring

older couple and was an only child. It was my responsibility to fill my time

and keep myself occupied since I had no siblings. I was often bored because my

parents were overprotective and wouldn't let me do some of the things the other

kids around the neighborhood were doing.

As I gained my freedom as a teen and then into my adulthood (I am 55 now) I

always took on more jobs, tasks, projects, new friends than I had time for. I

never really thought about it before in this way, but I think I was escaping

that never ending childhood boredom. I never gave myself a chance to just " be " .

Okay, fast forward to recent times. 9 yrs ago I moved from a big city to a

tourist town 3 hrs away. Left my friends and a few cousins behind (everyone

else has passed). I lost my stressful corporate america insurance job over 5

years ago and have been trying to reinvent myself ever since. I started my own

little local and internet business, and joined a local woman's group but didn't

make many new close friends until just about 1 1/2 years ago. Since then I have

become crazed and overwhelmed! I volunteer for 3 different organizations, just

finished online school for a social media certification (and want to start a

small biz helping other small businesses), started a blog and support group for

this " journey " I am on, started playing and am passionate about Mah Jongg,

socialize with my new friends a lot, AND am trying to keep up with the little

business I have. Oh yeah, and I volunteer to help friends with their small

business online marketing so that I am left no time to do my own!

There is absolutely no way I can do all the things I mentioned above, so I must

pick and choose on any given week what I will work on. My IOWL journey (which

includes my blog and support group) is foremost on my schedule because I know I

will be wasting whatever time I have left in this life if I do not get my

health in order. DH insists we keep our little business going (but much of the

work for it is so-o-o-o boring)..

Sorry for so much info, but I think I am using this as my journal. I think you

have helped me discover my " boredom " problem and where it came from. And, how I

am now overcompensating. This is a huge inner conflict for me!

Thanks for listening!

Judy

[Guest guest]

Marcia, I have been forced to lead my life separate from DH, too. I'll write

more later, but I think I keep myself heavy to avoid having to make the decision

whether to make my own life entirely...When I'm fat with no confidence it's

easier to remain stuck in an unhappy marriage..

Judy

[Guest guest]

I wasn't an only child, but I wanted to be. I had a brother who sucked the

air out of the room. Probably ADHD, hyperactive, bi-polar. But back in

the sixties, it was just " boys will be boys " . He demanded constant

attention. When he was happy, life was wonderful. When he wasn't, look

out. And we walked on egg shells waiting for the other shoe to drop.

My father dealt with him the only way he knew how...... With physical

blows. In later years, I found out my father had his own issues growing

up. So I grew up in a powder keg.

My role was to disappear. Don't make waves. Don't do anything to make dad

made. Stay out of the way. Don't do anything. I didn't get spanked, but

I also didn't get much positive attention either. My parents didn't have

any energy left. My mom said I seemed perfectly happy being alone. I was.

I didn't know any different.

The only attention I got was from my brother. The positive was that I was

his comfort. I would go to him after dad hit him. Try to comfort him and

agree that he didn't deserve it. I would agree that he was right and dad

was a monster. I would listen to him cry and wail in anger. I was there

for him.

And what did I get from him in return? Mental abuse. I was fat, stupid and

uncoordinated. Those three words were used most of my childhood. I didn't

have anyone contradicting him, so I believed him. Now that I think about

it, my mom would yell at him to stop calling me those things, but she never

said I wasn't those things.

Anyway, I married a safe man. He loves me, but the only way he shows it is

by buying me things (that we can't afford). We don't have friends outside

of his family. He isn't lazy. I'm the lazy one. He putters and keeps

busy , but he won't try new things.

I used to have lots of friends, but lots of drama too. I wanted safety and

security. I got what I asked for.

Now I'm lazy and a procrastinator and beat myself constantly.

Patti

> **

>

>

> As I think about the reasons that I choose to avoid other things, I see a

> pattern. I'm a 4th born baby of the family- by the time ideas got to me all

> decisions had already been made, my job was always to jump on the bandwagon

> or decide not to. I make decisions well, but I begin to see that I have a

> pattern of giving responsibility away to keep my life less complicated. I

> love, love, love my free time. I don't really like the idea of growing up

> and losing the time to be creative, to be quiet, to do whatever I choose to

> do with my time. I think the restricting diets and jobs and grown up life

> are stripping this from me. That " one more cookie won't hurt " moment is a

> rebellion against these things.

> So what would happen if I could see my decisions as an adult as being

> capable of returning myself to having more freedoms and less complications

> in my life. That it is my poor behaviors that are stripping these things

> from me?

>

>

[Guest guest]

I am so sorry you went through that Patti. :-(

" Sometimes God allows us to see the miracle. Sometimes God allows us to BE the

miracle. "

Re: Best first guess: what's your inner conflict?

I wasn't an only child, but I wanted to be. I had a brother who sucked the

air out of the room. Probably ADHD, hyperactive, bi-polar. But back in

the sixties, it was just " boys will be boys " . He demanded constant

attention. When he was happy, life was wonderful. When he wasn't, look

out. And we walked on egg shells waiting for the other shoe to drop.

My father dealt with him the only way he knew how...... With physical

blows. In later years, I found out my father had his own issues growing

up. So I grew up in a powder keg.

My role was to disappear. Don't make waves. Don't do anything to make dad

made. Stay out of the way. Don't do anything. I didn't get spanked, but

I also didn't get much positive attention either. My parents didn't have

any energy left. My mom said I seemed perfectly happy being alone. I was.

I didn't know any different.

The only attention I got was from my brother. The positive was that I was

his comfort. I would go to him after dad hit him. Try to comfort him and

agree that he didn't deserve it. I would agree that he was right and dad

was a monster. I would listen to him cry and wail in anger. I was there

for him.

And what did I get from him in return? Mental abuse. I was fat, stupid and

uncoordinated. Those three words were used most of my childhood. I didn't

have anyone contradicting him, so I believed him. Now that I think about

it, my mom would yell at him to stop calling me those things, but she never

said I wasn't those things.

Anyway, I married a safe man. He loves me, but the only way he shows it is

by buying me things (that we can't afford). We don't have friends outside

of his family. He isn't lazy. I'm the lazy one. He putters and keeps

busy , but he won't try new things.

I used to have lots of friends, but lots of drama too. I wanted safety and

security. I got what I asked for.

Now I'm lazy and a procrastinator and beat myself constantly.

Patti

> **

>

>

> As I think about the reasons that I choose to avoid other things, I see a

> pattern. I'm a 4th born baby of the family- by the time ideas got to me all

> decisions had already been made, my job was always to jump on the bandwagon

> or decide not to. I make decisions well, but I begin to see that I have a

> pattern of giving responsibility away to keep my life less complicated. I

> love, love, love my free time. I don't really like the idea of growing up

> and losing the time to be creative, to be quiet, to do whatever I choose to

> do with my time. I think the restricting diets and jobs and grown up life

> are stripping this from me. That " one more cookie won't hurt " moment is a

> rebellion against these things.

> So what would happen if I could see my decisions as an adult as being

> capable of returning myself to having more freedoms and less complications

> in my life. That it is my poor behaviors that are stripping these things

> from me?

>

>

[Guest guest]

One of my children has highly functioning aspergers, he sounds familiar. It

was very interesting to hear that while mom told him not to call you names that

she fight correct it in your mind. That sounded a little too familiar to me as

the mom as well. Thanks for that reminder.

I'm so glad that you married someone safe, I hope that also means that he makes

you feel loved. Thats invaluable. Take his less and know that you deserve that

love both from him and yourself (and yout brother if he was capable of giving it

to you)

Psawyer

Patti L wrote:

>I wasn't an only child, but I wanted to be. I had a brother who sucked the

>air out of the room. Probably ADHD, hyperactive, bi-polar. But back in

>the sixties, it was just " boys will be boys " . He demanded constant

>attention. When he was happy, life was wonderful. When he wasn't, look

>out. And we walked on egg shells waiting for the other shoe to drop.

>

>My father dealt with him the only way he knew how...... With physical

>blows. In later years, I found out my father had his own issues growing

>up. So I grew up in a powder keg.

>

>My role was to disappear. Don't make waves. Don't do anything to make dad

>made. Stay out of the way. Don't do anything. I didn't get spanked, but

>I also didn't get much positive attention either. My parents didn't have

>any energy left. My mom said I seemed perfectly happy being alone. I was.

>I didn't know any different.

>

>The only attention I got was from my brother. The positive was that I was

>his comfort. I would go to him after dad hit him. Try to comfort him and

>agree that he didn't deserve it. I would agree that he was right and dad

>was a monster. I would listen to him cry and wail in anger. I was there

>for him.

>

>And what did I get from him in return? Mental abuse. I was fat, stupid and

>uncoordinated. Those three words were used most of my childhood. I didn't

>have anyone contradicting him, so I believed him. Now that I think about

>it, my mom would yell at him to stop calling me those things, but she never

>said I wasn't those things.

>

>Anyway, I married a safe man. He loves me, but the only way he shows it is

>by buying me things (that we can't afford). We don't have friends outside

>of his family. He isn't lazy. I'm the lazy one. He putters and keeps

>busy , but he won't try new things.

>

>I used to have lots of friends, but lots of drama too. I wanted safety and

>security. I got what I asked for.

>

>Now I'm lazy and a procrastinator and beat myself constantly.

>

>Patti

>

>

>> **

>>

>>

>> As I think about the reasons that I choose to avoid other things, I see a

>> pattern. I'm a 4th born baby of the family- by the time ideas got to me all

>> decisions had already been made, my job was always to jump on the bandwagon

>> or decide not to. I make decisions well, but I begin to see that I have a

>> pattern of giving responsibility away to keep my life less complicated. I

>> love, love, love my free time. I don't really like the idea of growing up

>> and losing the time to be creative, to be quiet, to do whatever I choose to

>> do with my time. I think the restricting diets and jobs and grown up life

>> are stripping this from me. That " one more cookie won't hurt " moment is a

>> rebellion against these things.

>> So what would happen if I could see my decisions as an adult as being

>> capable of returning myself to having more freedoms and less complications

>> in my life. That it is my poor behaviors that are stripping these things

>> from me?

>>

>>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Needed corrections:

She didn't correct it in your mind

And

Take his lead

a Sawyer wrote:

>One of my children has highly functioning aspergers, he sounds familiar. It

was very interesting to hear that while mom told him not to call you names that

she fight correct it in your mind. That sounded a little too familiar to me as

the mom as well. Thanks for that reminder.

>I'm so glad that you married someone safe, I hope that also means that he makes

you feel loved. Thats invaluable. Take his less and know that you deserve that

love both from him and yourself (and yout brother if he was capable of giving it

to you)

>Psawyer

>

>Patti L wrote:

>

>>I wasn't an only child, but I wanted to be. I had a brother who sucked the

>>air out of the room. Probably ADHD, hyperactive, bi-polar. But back in

>>the sixties, it was just " boys will be boys " . He demanded constant

>>attention. When he was happy, life was wonderful. When he wasn't, look

>>out. And we walked on egg shells waiting for the other shoe to drop.

>>

>>My father dealt with him the only way he knew how...... With physical

>>blows. In later years, I found out my father had his own issues growing

>>up. So I grew up in a powder keg.

>>

>>My role was to disappear. Don't make waves. Don't do anything to make dad

>>made. Stay out of the way. Don't do anything. I didn't get spanked, but

>>I also didn't get much positive attention either. My parents didn't have

>>any energy left. My mom said I seemed perfectly happy being alone. I was.

>>I didn't know any different.

>>

>>The only attention I got was from my brother. The positive was that I was

>>his comfort. I would go to him after dad hit him. Try to comfort him and

>>agree that he didn't deserve it. I would agree that he was right and dad

>>was a monster. I would listen to him cry and wail in anger. I was there

>>for him.

>>

>>And what did I get from him in return? Mental abuse. I was fat, stupid and

>>uncoordinated. Those three words were used most of my childhood. I didn't

>>have anyone contradicting him, so I believed him. Now that I think about

>>it, my mom would yell at him to stop calling me those things, but she never

>>said I wasn't those things.

>>

>>Anyway, I married a safe man. He loves me, but the only way he shows it is

>>by buying me things (that we can't afford). We don't have friends outside

>>of his family. He isn't lazy. I'm the lazy one. He putters and keeps

>>busy , but he won't try new things.

>>

>>I used to have lots of friends, but lots of drama too. I wanted safety and

>>security. I got what I asked for.

>>

>>Now I'm lazy and a procrastinator and beat myself constantly.

>>

>>Patti

>>

>>

>>> **

>>>

>>>

>>> As I think about the reasons that I choose to avoid other things, I see a

>>> pattern. I'm a 4th born baby of the family- by the time ideas got to me all

>>> decisions had already been made, my job was always to jump on the bandwagon

>>> or decide not to. I make decisions well, but I begin to see that I have a

>>> pattern of giving responsibility away to keep my life less complicated. I

>>> love, love, love my free time. I don't really like the idea of growing up

>>> and losing the time to be creative, to be quiet, to do whatever I choose to

>>> do with my time. I think the restricting diets and jobs and grown up life

>>> are stripping this from me. That " one more cookie won't hurt " moment is a

>>> rebellion against these things.

>>> So what would happen if I could see my decisions as an adult as being

>>> capable of returning myself to having more freedoms and less complications

>>> in my life. That it is my poor behaviors that are stripping these things

>>> from me?

>>>

>>>

>>

>>

>>

[Guest guest]

This is something I stress about on my daughter's behalf. My son has

Aspergers and as a result he demands soooo much of my time and the house is

often so chaotic that I worry about how my 3-year-old daughter perceives

it. My brother was very difficult growing up (I have talked to my mom and

we both strongly suspect that he has undiagnosed Aspergers. We also

suspect that my Dad has it as well.) and my mom had to focus a lot of

energy on dealing with him. I was the first born and was often expected to

" handle " my brother and sister. My sister was a bit of a rebel to get

attention (she was arrested for shoplifting). But these days, she seems to

be the only one of us who really has it together!

Have any of you read " The Help " ? There's a little mantra in there that

Abileen says to Mae Mobley to try to counteract the damage that her

uncaring mom does: " You are kind. You are smart. You are important. " I

went right ahead and borrowed that and I say it to my daughter often. I

think someone needed to say that us a bit more when we were little.

> **

>

>

> Needed corrections:

> She didn't correct it in your mind

>

> And

>

> Take his lead

>

>

> a Sawyer wrote:

>

> >One of my children has highly functioning aspergers, he sounds familiar.

> It was very interesting to hear that while mom told him not to call you

> names that she fight correct it in your mind. That sounded a little too

> familiar to me as the mom as well. Thanks for that reminder.

> >I'm so glad that you married someone safe, I hope that also means that he

> makes you feel loved. Thats invaluable. Take his less and know that you

> deserve that love both from him and yourself (and yout brother if he was

> capable of giving it to you)

> >Psawyer

> >

> >Patti L wrote:

> >

> >>I wasn't an only child, but I wanted to be. I had a brother who sucked

> the

> >>air out of the room. Probably ADHD, hyperactive, bi-polar. But back in

> >>the sixties, it was just " boys will be boys " . He demanded constant

> >>attention. When he was happy, life was wonderful. When he wasn't, look

> >>out. And we walked on egg shells waiting for the other shoe to drop.

> >>

> >>My father dealt with him the only way he knew how...... With physical

> >>blows. In later years, I found out my father had his own issues growing

> >>up. So I grew up in a powder keg.

> >>

> >>My role was to disappear. Don't make waves. Don't do anything to make dad

> >>made. Stay out of the way. Don't do anything. I didn't get spanked, but

> >>I also didn't get much positive attention either. My parents didn't have

> >>any energy left. My mom said I seemed perfectly happy being alone. I was.

> >>I didn't know any different.

> >>

> >>The only attention I got was from my brother. The positive was that I was

> >>his comfort. I would go to him after dad hit him. Try to comfort him and

> >>agree that he didn't deserve it. I would agree that he was right and dad

> >>was a monster. I would listen to him cry and wail in anger. I was there

> >>for him.

> >>

> >>And what did I get from him in return? Mental abuse. I was fat, stupid

> and

> >>uncoordinated. Those three words were used most of my childhood. I didn't

> >>have anyone contradicting him, so I believed him. Now that I think about

> >>it, my mom would yell at him to stop calling me those things, but she

> never

> >>said I wasn't those things.

> >>

> >>Anyway, I married a safe man. He loves me, but the only way he shows it

> is

> >>by buying me things (that we can't afford). We don't have friends outside

> >>of his family. He isn't lazy. I'm the lazy one. He putters and keeps

> >>busy , but he won't try new things.

> >>

> >>I used to have lots of friends, but lots of drama too. I wanted safety

> and

> >>security. I got what I asked for.

> >>

> >>Now I'm lazy and a procrastinator and beat myself constantly.

> >>

> >>Patti

> >>

> >>

> >>> **

> >>>

> >>>

> >>> As I think about the reasons that I choose to avoid other things, I

> see a

> >>> pattern. I'm a 4th born baby of the family- by the time ideas got to

> me all

> >>> decisions had already been made, my job was always to jump on the

> bandwagon

> >>> or decide not to. I make decisions well, but I begin to see that I

> have a

> >>> pattern of giving responsibility away to keep my life less

> complicated. I

> >>> love, love, love my free time. I don't really like the idea of growing

> up

> >>> and losing the time to be creative, to be quiet, to do whatever I

> choose to

> >>> do with my time. I think the restricting diets and jobs and grown up

> life

> >>> are stripping this from me. That " one more cookie won't hurt " moment

> is a

> >>> rebellion against these things.

> >>> So what would happen if I could see my decisions as an adult as being

> >>> capable of returning myself to having more freedoms and less

> complications

> >>> in my life. That it is my poor behaviors that are stripping these

> things

> >>> from me?

> >>>

> >>>

> >>

> >>

> >>

[Guest guest]

Patti,

 

Childhood can be brutal.

 

So do you think that etra weight keeps you safe now, does it let you dissapear

or is it just that it is familiar so it feels safe? 

  Livingston

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Monday, January 16, 2012 9:02 AM

Subject: Re: Best first guess: what's your inner conflict?

I wasn't an only child, but I wanted to be. I had a brother who sucked the

air out of the room.  Probably ADHD, hyperactive, bi-polar.  But back in

the sixties, it was just " boys will be boys " .  He demanded constant

attention.  When he was happy, life was wonderful.  When he wasn't, look

out.  And we walked on egg shells waiting for the other shoe to drop.

My father dealt with him the only way he knew how...... With physical

blows.  In later years, I found out my father had his own issues growing

up.  So I grew up in a powder keg.

My role was to disappear.  Don't make waves.  Don't do anything to make dad

made.  Stay out of the way.  Don't do anything.  I didn't get spanked, but

I also didn't get much positive attention either.  My parents didn't have

any energy left.  My mom said I seemed perfectly happy being alone.  I was.

I didn't know any different.

The only attention I got was from my brother.  The positive was that I was

his comfort.  I would go to him after dad hit him.  Try to comfort him and

agree that he didn't deserve it.  I would agree that he was right and dad

was a monster.  I would listen to him cry and wail in anger.  I was there

for him.

And what did I get from him in return? Mental abuse.  I was fat, stupid and

uncoordinated.  Those three words were used most of my childhood.  I didn't

have anyone contradicting him, so I believed him.  Now that I think about

it, my mom would yell at him to stop calling me those things, but she never

said I wasn't those things.

Anyway, I married a safe man.  He loves me, but the only way he shows it is

by buying me things (that we can't afford).  We don't have friends outside

of his family.  He isn't lazy.  I'm the lazy one.  He putters and keeps

busy , but he won't try new things.

I used to have lots of friends, but lots of drama too.  I wanted safety and

security. I got what I asked for.

Now I'm lazy and a procrastinator and beat myself constantly.

Patti

> **

>

>

> As I think about the reasons that I choose to avoid other things, I see a

> pattern. I'm a 4th born baby of the family- by the time ideas got to me all

> decisions had already been made, my job was always to jump on the bandwagon

> or decide not to. I make decisions well, but I begin to see that I have a

> pattern of giving responsibility away to keep my life less complicated. I

> love, love, love my free time. I don't really like the idea of growing up

> and losing the time to be creative, to be quiet, to do whatever I choose to

> do with my time. I think the restricting diets and jobs and grown up life

> are stripping this from me. That " one more cookie won't hurt " moment is a

> rebellion against these things.

> So what would happen if I could see my decisions as an adult as being

> capable of returning myself to having more freedoms and less complications

> in my life. That it is my poor behaviors that are stripping these things

> from me?

> 

>

[Guest guest]

Oh, Amelia! When I read that mantra in The Help, it took my breath away! I was

told that I was mean, ugly and hateful (my mother's mantra) from the time I was

three years old. Her pet name for me was Dumb Dora. When I read that, I did

some old-fashioned " inner child " work and said those words of Abileen's to

myself over and over.

It was only when I had my children that I realized how damaging my mother's

words were. I would look at these little people and wonder: How sick a person

must be to speak to a child that way? What could a three-year-old do to

deserve that treatment? When I treated my kids kindly and showered love on

them, I included little Marcia in that group. I still have issues steming from

her abuse, but knowing the source of my self loathing sometimes pulles me out of

it.

Marcia

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Monday, January 16, 2012 12:40 PM

Subject: Re: Best first guess: what's your inner conflict?

 

This is something I stress about on my daughter's behalf. My son has

Aspergers and as a result he demands soooo much of my time and the house is

often so chaotic that I worry about how my 3-year-old daughter perceives

it. My brother was very difficult growing up (I have talked to my mom and

we both strongly suspect that he has undiagnosed Aspergers. We also

suspect that my Dad has it as well.) and my mom had to focus a lot of

energy on dealing with him. I was the first born and was often expected to

" handle " my brother and sister. My sister was a bit of a rebel to get

attention (she was arrested for shoplifting). But these days, she seems to

be the only one of us who really has it together!

Have any of you read " The Help " ? There's a little mantra in there that

Abileen says to Mae Mobley to try to counteract the damage that her

uncaring mom does: " You are kind. You are smart. You are important. " I

went right ahead and borrowed that and I say it to my daughter often. I

think someone needed to say that us a bit more when we were little.

> **

>

>

> Needed corrections:

> She didn't correct it in your mind

>

> And

>

> Take his lead

>

>

> a Sawyer wrote:

>

> >One of my children has highly functioning aspergers, he sounds familiar.

> It was very interesting to hear that while mom told him not to call you

> names that she fight correct it in your mind. That sounded a little too

> familiar to me as the mom as well. Thanks for that reminder.

> >I'm so glad that you married someone safe, I hope that also means that he

> makes you feel loved. Thats invaluable. Take his less and know that you

> deserve that love both from him and yourself (and yout brother if he was

> capable of giving it to you)

> >Psawyer

> >

> >Patti L wrote:

> >

> >>I wasn't an only child, but I wanted to be. I had a brother who sucked

> the

> >>air out of the room. Probably ADHD, hyperactive, bi-polar. But back in

> >>the sixties, it was just " boys will be boys " . He demanded constant

> >>attention. When he was happy, life was wonderful. When he wasn't, look

> >>out. And we walked on egg shells waiting for the other shoe to drop.

> >>

> >>My father dealt with him the only way he knew how...... With physical

> >>blows. In later years, I found out my father had his own issues growing

> >>up. So I grew up in a powder keg.

> >>

> >>My role was to disappear. Don't make waves. Don't do anything to make dad

> >>made. Stay out of the way. Don't do anything. I didn't get spanked, but

> >>I also didn't get much positive attention either. My parents didn't have

> >>any energy left. My mom said I seemed perfectly happy being alone. I was.

> >>I didn't know any different.

> >>

> >>The only attention I got was from my brother. The positive was that I was

> >>his comfort. I would go to him after dad hit him. Try to comfort him and

> >>agree that he didn't deserve it. I would agree that he was right and dad

> >>was a monster. I would listen to him cry and wail in anger. I was there

> >>for him.

> >>

> >>And what did I get from him in return? Mental abuse. I was fat, stupid

> and

> >>uncoordinated. Those three words were used most of my childhood. I didn't

> >>have anyone contradicting him, so I believed him. Now that I think about

> >>it, my mom would yell at him to stop calling me those things, but she

> never

> >>said I wasn't those things.

> >>

> >>Anyway, I married a safe man. He loves me, but the only way he shows it

> is

> >>by buying me things (that we can't afford). We don't have friends outside

> >>of his family. He isn't lazy. I'm the lazy one. He putters and keeps

> >>busy , but he won't try new things.

> >>

> >>I used to have lots of friends, but lots of drama too. I wanted safety

> and

> >>security. I got what I asked for.

> >>

> >>Now I'm lazy and a procrastinator and beat myself constantly.

> >>

> >>Patti

> >>

> >>

> >>> **

> >>>

> >>>

> >>> As I think about the reasons that I choose to avoid other things, I

> see a

> >>> pattern. I'm a 4th born baby of the family- by the time ideas got to

> me all

> >>> decisions had already been made, my job was always to jump on the

> bandwagon

> >>> or decide not to. I make decisions well, but I begin to see that I

> have a

> >>> pattern of giving responsibility away to keep my life less

> complicated. I

> >>> love, love, love my free time. I don't really like the idea of growing

> up

> >>> and losing the time to be creative, to be quiet, to do whatever I

> choose to

> >>> do with my time. I think the restricting diets and jobs and grown up

> life

> >>> are stripping this from me. That " one more cookie won't hurt " moment

> is a

> >>> rebellion against these things.

> >>> So what would happen if I could see my decisions as an adult as being

> >>> capable of returning myself to having more freedoms and less

> complications

> >>> in my life. That it is my poor behaviors that are stripping these

> things

> >>> from me?

> >>>

> >>>

> >>

> >>

> >>

[Guest guest]

Marcia, our situations have many similarities. I have made the same decision

for now. Mine has depression/anxiety and has no friends, no interests and no

life other than sports. I am fun loving and have many new friends.. I go out

with and travel with friends as he stays home. I can't imagine I'll do this

forever, especially as I blossom.. we'll see.. Best of luck to us!

Judy

[Guest guest]

Corinna's inner conflict:

1. Hate the fat, not the Corinna.. if I were thin.. that is proof that

it's just me no one loves.

2. This fatty ran a marathon last year.. not many fatties do that. or do

crossfit.. if I lose the weight, I won't be special anymore.

Talk about being at odds with myself, eh?

C

[Guest guest]

>

> Corinna's inner conflict:

>

> 1. Hate the fat, not the Corinna.. if I were thin.. that is proof that

> it's just me no one loves.

>

That's one of the wild things that popped into my mind while reading others'

objections. I can't find a woman NOW, but I'm 40-50lbs overweight. If I were

thin and STILL couldn't find one, what would that say about me? Without the

weight as an excuse, that would just mean that I really *am* un-lovable?

Eldred

[Guest guest]

DH can mean 'dear husband' or 'dickhead' depending on how he's acting at

the moment. *snicker*

[Guest guest]

Marcia, I am Jewish by upbringing and spiritual by choice..I love the universe

and nature and positivity and joy. Email me so that we can chat and I can tell

you about my journey.. I have come a long way, but still have this one hurdle...

hugs!

>

> I haven't ventured out much on my own since I figured out that he was NEVER

going to want to do anything. We've lived here in SC for ten years, and I still

struggle to make friends to do things with. My daughter lives in a neighboring

town, and we often go shopping and stuff, but I really need some friends nearer

my age. The main problem is that, while I live a very conservative life, I am a

political and social liberal, and, while I am a spiritual seeker, I no longer

want or need to be part of a church community. Almost every woman my age who I

have met is very conservative and religious, or at least has her church as the

hub of her existence. When I do meet new people, the first thing they do is

invite me to their church, which I realize is very flattering, but when I beg

off, they back off. I've given up stressing about it and just let that be for

now. I'll just be active in the community in ways that are compatible with my

views, and if I make

> friends, fine, if not, then at least I've done some good for somebody, and

that's enough for now.

> Enjoy your cruise! I might take one when I visit my daughter in Germany later

this year. I think a Mediterranean cruise would let me visit lots of countries

while having a fabulous place to stay every night!

> Marcia

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: insideoutweightloss

> Sent: Monday, January 16, 2012 7:15 PM

> Subject: Re: Best first guess: what's your inner

conflict?

>

>

>

>  

>

> Marcia, our situations have many similarities. I have made the same decision

for now. Mine has depression/anxiety and has no friends, no interests and no

life other than sports. I am fun loving and have many new friends.. I go out

with and travel with friends as he stays home. I can't imagine I'll do this

forever, especially as I blossom.. we'll see.. Best of luck to us!

>

> Judy

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Eldred,

oh we could go deeper, too.. I am not attracted to overweight people at

all and yet I am large and loosey goosey in the skin... I honestly don't

understand how people could possibly find me attractive. I also have to

be a in the right place for people to mention they notice that I am losing

weight.. I really do enjoy the positive attention.. but I have to be in a

specific mental state for it.

My husband is overweight, but I find him attractive.. so again with the

at odds..

Do you try to find a mate or just assume no one is out there right now?

Marriage is hard, but by watching my single friends, I realize that being

single is harder! (Unless you are happy being single)

[Guest guest]

>

> Eldred,

>

> oh we could go deeper, too.. I am not attracted to overweight people at

> all and yet I am large and loosey goosey in the skin... I honestly don't

> understand how people could possibly find me attractive. I also have to

> be a in the right place for people to mention they notice that I am losing

> weight.. I really do enjoy the positive attention.. but I have to be in a

> specific mental state for it.

>

> My husband is overweight, but I find him attractive.. so again with the

> at odds..

>

> Do you try to find a mate or just assume no one is out there right now?

> Marriage is hard, but by watching my single friends, I realize that being

> single is harder! (Unless you are happy being single)

>

>