Guest guest Posted January 15, 2012 Report Share Posted January 15, 2012 Good Work, Marie - Stick with it! b. ________________________________ To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss > Sent: Sun, January 15, 2012 6:51:27 PM Subject: Doing the work  I'm on week two and I've discovered my objection to losing weight. I've discovered that I am holding on to these 50 pounds because:  If I lose it I might go crazy again. The last time I got down to my ideal weight I imploded. I lost my job. I made poor choices and was eventually arrested. I had all kinds of sex with all kinds of people. I overspent and finally went bankrupt. I met a man who recreated my abusive childhood. I smoked pot and went nude in public. I lost my apartment and had to move into one room with a friend. I was diagnosed as Bipolar with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was wild and carefree, some might say out of control. I had no schedules and I was not the conventional, responsible self I am now. I painted all day. I had a massage every week. I danced, sang and drummed. I was vulnerable and real and I had a spiritual practice. I was manifesting my true self at the time and she is scary. I keep the weight as protection from her.  I keep the weight because if let people see this flawed, crazy side of me they might run away, fire me. I isolate socially so I don't have to show this part of me to anyone. I hide out at work so no one gets to know the real imperfect me. I am the Fraud in every aspect of my life. No one really knows the real me except my dog who loves me unconditionally.  I use food not only to pack on the weight for protection but to distract myself from the feelings of insecurity and unworthiness my crazy mother instilled in me early in my life.  Facing all this has been difficult and painful. I've been teary all day and I overate at breakfast to the point of vomiting.  But I feel a real shift. Now I can move towards confidence, authenticity and stability. I'm looking forward to getting the tools to move toward a naturally slender woman who is all around healthy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 15, 2012 Report Share Posted January 15, 2012 :::hugs::: Very brave of you to face all of that and to post it. One of the podcasts says something that I really liked. When we are visualizing that thin person we want to be, we need to make sure that we visualize our FUTURE thin self, not our PAST thin self. Why? Because the past thin self must have been really screwed up or we wouldn't have let this happen. That really spoke to me. You've learned so much from your past, those lessons will still stay with you, regardless of size. On Sun, Jan 15, 2012 at 4:51 PM, Marie Capizzi wrote: > ** > > > I'm on week two and I've discovered my objection to losing weight. I've > discovered that I am holding on to these 50 pounds because: > > If I lose it I might go crazy again. The last time I got down to my ideal > weight I imploded. I lost my job. I made poor choices and was > eventually arrested. I had all kinds of sex with all kinds of people. I > overspent and finally went bankrupt. I met a man who recreated my abusive > childhood. I smoked pot and went nude in public. I lost my apartment and > had to move into one room with a friend. I was diagnosed as Bipolar with > Borderline Personality Disorder. I was wild and carefree, some might say > out of control. I had no schedules and I was not the conventional, > responsible self I am now. I painted all day. I had a massage every week. I > danced, sang and drummed. I was vulnerable and real and I had a spiritual > practice. I was manifesting my true self at the time and she is scary. I > keep the weight as protection from her. > > I keep the weight because if let people see this flawed, crazy side of me > they might run away, fire me. I isolate socially so I don't have to show > this part of me to anyone. I hide out at work so no one gets to know the > real imperfect me. I am the Fraud in every aspect of my life. No one really > knows the real me except my dog who loves me unconditionally. > > I use food not only to pack on the weight for protection but to distract > myself from the feelings of insecurity and unworthiness my crazy mother > instilled in me early in my life. > > Facing all this has been difficult and painful. I've been teary all day > and I overate at breakfast to the point of vomiting. But I feel a real > shift. Now I can move towards confidence, authenticity and stability. I'm > looking forward to getting the tools to move toward a naturally > slender woman who is all around healthy. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 15, 2012 Report Share Posted January 15, 2012 Thats a lot to deal with. I used to hang out occasionally with a woman who would say that she was allergic to alcohol-she would break out in handcuffs. It sounds like you see weight loss as a similar allergy. I'm so glad that you are going through this process of inner exploration, I so hope that it makes a difference for you. By the way, I expect that your true self is probably pretty incredible, she probably just needed to grow up a little. How old were you when you imploded? How many years ago was that? Psawyer Marie Capizzi wrote: >I'm on week two and I've discovered my objection to losing weight. I've discovered that I am holding on to these 50 pounds because: > >If I lose it I might go crazy again. The last time I got down to my ideal weight I imploded. I lost my job. I made poor choices and was eventually arrested. I had all kinds of sex with all kinds of people. I overspent and finally went bankrupt. I met a man who recreated my abusive childhood. I smoked pot and went nude in public. I lost my apartment and had to move into one room with a friend. I was diagnosed as Bipolar with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was wild and carefree, some might say out of control. I had no schedules and I was not the conventional, responsible self I am now. I painted all day. I had a massage every week. I danced, sang and drummed. I was vulnerable and real and I had a spiritual practice. I was manifesting my true self at the time and she is scary. I keep the weight as protection from her. > >I keep the weight because if let people see this flawed, crazy side of me they might run away, fire me. I isolate socially so I don't have to show this part of me to anyone. I hide out at work so no one gets to know the real imperfect me. I am the Fraud in every aspect of my life. No one really knows the real me except my dog who loves me unconditionally. > >I use food not only to pack on the weight for protection but to distract myself from the feelings of insecurity and unworthiness my crazy mother instilled in me early in my life. > >Facing all this has been difficult and painful. I've been teary all day and I overate at breakfast to the point of vomiting.  But I feel a real shift. Now I can move towards confidence, authenticity and stability. I'm looking forward to getting the tools to move toward a naturally slender woman who is all around healthy. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 15, 2012 Report Share Posted January 15, 2012 a,  That was 10 years ago. I was between the ages of 47 - 48. It all happened over 18 months and I started gaining weight steadily as it was happening. I went from 125 to 215 in three years and kept it all on for six years. I lost 60 pounds one year ago and quickly began to gain it back until I realized that there was so much emotional baggage to clear before I could drop the rest of the weight. I found Fullfilled last month, about two months after beginning my search for tools to address the old issues. I'm also in therapy now and I know that the drama of the past is behind me but I still hang on to old habits and the fears behind them. I'm aiming to conquer this stuff this time around. I'm getting too old for this stuff to keep coming up. The stories of the people on this forum give me the courage and inspiration to stick with it.  Marie ________________________________ To: insideoutweightloss Sent: Sunday, January 15, 2012 9:25 PM Subject: Re: Doing the work  Thats a lot to deal with. I used to hang out occasionally with a woman who would say that she was allergic to alcohol-she would break out in handcuffs. It sounds like you see weight loss as a similar allergy. I'm so glad that you are going through this process of inner exploration, I so hope that it makes a difference for you. By the way, I expect that your true self is probably pretty incredible, she probably just needed to grow up a little. How old were you when you imploded? How many years ago was that? Psawyer Marie Capizzi wrote: >I'm on week two and I've discovered my objection to losing weight. I've discovered that I am holding on to these 50 pounds because: > >If I lose it I might go crazy again. The last time I got down to my ideal weight I imploded. I lost my job. I made poor choices and was eventually arrested. I had all kinds of sex with all kinds of people. I overspent and finally went bankrupt. I met a man who recreated my abusive childhood. I smoked pot and went nude in public. I lost my apartment and had to move into one room with a friend. I was diagnosed as Bipolar with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was wild and carefree, some might say out of control. I had no schedules and I was not the conventional, responsible self I am now. I painted all day. I had a massage every week. I danced, sang and drummed. I was vulnerable and real and I had a spiritual practice. I was manifesting my true self at the time and she is scary. I keep the weight as protection from her. > >I keep the weight because if let people see this flawed, crazy side of me they might run away, fire me. I isolate socially so I don't have to show this part of me to anyone. I hide out at work so no one gets to know the real imperfect me. I am the Fraud in every aspect of my life. No one really knows the real me except my dog who loves me unconditionally. > >I use food not only to pack on the weight for protection but to distract myself from the feelings of insecurity and unworthiness my crazy mother instilled in me early in my life. > >Facing all this has been difficult and painful. I've been teary all day and I overate at breakfast to the point of vomiting.  But I feel a real shift. Now I can move towards confidence, authenticity and stability. I'm looking forward to getting the tools to move toward a naturally slender woman who is all around healthy. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2012 Report Share Posted January 16, 2012 The age makes me think mid-life crisis. I went through something similar but not as extreme a couple years ago. I think I was afraid that I only had so many years left to feel young. Cancer may have been the result, but it also is what kicked me out of it. The cancer is healed, and I am back to myself in many ways. I'm ready to get back in shape for me this time, not for the rest of the world. I want my flexibility, strength and health-for me, not so that someone ese can love me. as I type this my daughter and friend brought me warm home made gluten free cookies - what could one more cookie hurt? Aaarrrrggghhhhhh!!! Marie Capizzi wrote: >a, > >That was 10 years ago. I was between the ages of 47 - 48. It all happened over 18 months and I started gaining weight steadily as it was happening. I went from 125 to 215 in three years and kept it all on for six years. I lost 60 pounds one year ago and quickly began to gain it back until I realized that there was so much emotional baggage to clear before I could drop the rest of the weight. I found Fullfilled last month, about two months after beginning my search for tools to address the old issues. I'm also in therapy now and I know that the drama of the past is behind me but I still hang on to old habits and the fears behind them. I'm aiming to conquer this stuff this time around. I'm getting too old for this stuff to keep coming up. The stories of the people on this forum give me the courage and inspiration to stick with it. > >Marie > > >________________________________ > >To: insideoutweightloss >Sent: Sunday, January 15, 2012 9:25 PM >Subject: Re: Doing the work > > > >Thats a lot to deal with. I used to hang out occasionally with a woman who would say that she was allergic to alcohol-she would break out in handcuffs. It sounds like you see weight loss as a similar allergy. I'm so glad that you are going through this process of inner exploration, I so hope that it makes a difference for you. >By the way, I expect that your true self is probably pretty incredible, she probably just needed to grow up a little. How old were you when you imploded? How many years ago was that? >Psawyer > >Marie Capizzi wrote: > >>I'm on week two and I've discovered my objection to losing weight. I've discovered that I am holding on to these 50 pounds because: >> >>If I lose it I might go crazy again. The last time I got down to my ideal weight I imploded. I lost my job. I made poor choices and was eventually arrested. I had all kinds of sex with all kinds of people. I overspent and finally went bankrupt. I met a man who recreated my abusive childhood. I smoked pot and went nude in public. I lost my apartment and had to move into one room with a friend. I was diagnosed as Bipolar with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was wild and carefree, some might say out of control. I had no schedules and I was not the conventional, responsible self I am now. I painted all day. I had a massage every week. I danced, sang and drummed. I was vulnerable and real and I had a spiritual practice. I was manifesting my true self at the time and she is scary. I keep the weight as protection from her. >> >>I keep the weight because if let people see this flawed, crazy side of me they might run away, fire me. I isolate socially so I don't have to show this part of me to anyone. I hide out at work so no one gets to know the real imperfect me. I am the Fraud in every aspect of my life. No one really knows the real me except my dog who loves me unconditionally. >> >>I use food not only to pack on the weight for protection but to distract myself from the feelings of insecurity and unworthiness my crazy mother instilled in me early in my life. >> >>Facing all this has been difficult and painful. I've been teary all day and I overate at breakfast to the point of vomiting.  But I feel a real shift. Now I can move towards confidence, authenticity and stability. I'm looking forward to getting the tools to move toward a naturally slender woman who is all around healthy. >> >> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2012 Report Share Posted January 16, 2012 Have one cookie and enjoy it. > ** > > > The age makes me think mid-life crisis. I went through something similar > but not as extreme a couple years ago. I think I was afraid that I only had > so many years left to feel young. Cancer may have been the result, but it > also is what kicked me out of it. The cancer is healed, and I am back to > myself in many ways. I'm ready to get back in shape for me this time, not > for the rest of the world. I want my flexibility, strength and health-for > me, not so that someone ese can love me. > > as I type this my daughter and friend brought me warm home made gluten > free cookies - what could one more cookie hurt? Aaarrrrggghhhhhh!!! > > Marie Capizzi wrote: > > >a, > > > >That was 10 years ago. I was between the ages of 47 - 48. It all happened > over 18 months and I started gaining weight steadily as it was happening. I > went from 125 to 215 in three years and kept it all on for six years. I > lost 60 pounds one year ago and quickly began to gain it back until I > realized that there was so much emotional baggage to clear before I could > drop the rest of the weight. I found Fullfilled last month, about two > months after beginning my search for tools to address the old issues. I'm > also in therapy now and I know that the drama of the past is behind me but > I still hang on to old habits and the fears behind them. I'm aiming to > conquer this stuff this time around. I'm getting too old for this stuff to > keep coming up. The stories of the people on this forum give me the courage > and inspiration to stick with it. > > > >Marie > > > > > >________________________________ > > > >To: insideoutweightloss > >Sent: Sunday, January 15, 2012 9:25 PM > >Subject: Re: Doing the work > > > > > > > >Thats a lot to deal with. I used to hang out occasionally with a woman > who would say that she was allergic to alcohol-she would break out in > handcuffs. It sounds like you see weight loss as a similar allergy. I'm so > glad that you are going through this process of inner exploration, I so > hope that it makes a difference for you. > >By the way, I expect that your true self is probably pretty incredible, > she probably just needed to grow up a little. How old were you when you > imploded? How many years ago was that? > >Psawyer > > > >Marie Capizzi wrote: > > > >>I'm on week two and I've discovered my objection to losing weight. I've > discovered that I am holding on to these 50 pounds because: > >> > >>If I lose it I might go crazy again. The last time I got down to my > ideal weight I imploded. I lost my job. I made poor choices and was > eventually arrested. I had all kinds of sex with all kinds of people. I > overspent and finally went bankrupt. I met a man who recreated my abusive > childhood. I smoked pot and went nude in public. I lost my apartment and > had to move into one room with a friend. I was diagnosed as Bipolar with > Borderline Personality Disorder. I was wild and carefree, some might say > out of control. I had no schedules and I was not the conventional, > responsible self I am now. I painted all day. I had a massage every week. I > danced, sang and drummed. I was vulnerable and real and I had a spiritual > practice. I was manifesting my true self at the time and she is scary. I > keep the weight as protection from her. > >> > >>I keep the weight because if let people see this flawed, crazy side of > me they might run away, fire me. I isolate socially so I don't have to show > this part of me to anyone. I hide out at work so no one gets to know the > real imperfect me. I am the Fraud in every aspect of my life. No one really > knows the real me except my dog who loves me unconditionally. > >> > >>I use food not only to pack on the weight for protection but to distract > myself from the feelings of insecurity and unworthiness my crazy mother > instilled in me early in my life. > >> > >>Facing all this has been difficult and painful. I've been teary all day > and I overate at breakfast to the point of vomiting. But I feel a real > shift. Now I can move towards confidence, authenticity and stability. I'm > looking forward to getting the tools to move toward a naturally > slender woman who is all around healthy. > >> > >> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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