Guest guest Posted January 17, 2012 Report Share Posted January 17, 2012 Wanted to give you a female perspective on this... Has your wife ever said to you that she finds you unattractive? Or is this something you are inferring from her actions (or lack thereof)? I know that I have a tendency to think that I'm the one constantly affecting someone else's behavior, but in reality, it isn't necessarily so. She probably has her own issues and hangups. I know that I personally don't feel attractive at all, which means that I'm not real interested in being cuddly with my husband. While it's true that his weight is a bit of a deterrent right now, I don't think I'd be interested in Brad Pitt if he turned up on my doorstep. I always think that people act the way they do in response to me, but really most of us are far more interested in whatever is going on inside our heads and hardly stop to think about someone else. I don't know if that helps or not, but hopefully it's something to think about. On Tue, Jan 17, 2012 at 5:31 PM, Carlton Larsen wrote: > ** > > > Hi. > > I have been stalled at my current weight for about 3 years and maybe more. > I wonder if I am in the next lifeboat over from yours Eldred. I feel much > better than I did 30 pounds ago but if I lose the next 30 or so and my wife > still does not find my body attractive, what will that mean? If I get down > to under 180# and she still is not physically attracted to me, that will be > worse than now. There will be no excuse except that I really am physically > repulsive. From the feelings coming up as I type this I know that I am on > to something real here. > > Ouch. > > > Carlton Larsen, Ba, Bgp > Freelance Musician > 426 Pinehouse Drive > Saskatoon Sk > S7K4X5 > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 18, 2012 Report Share Posted January 18, 2012 Hi and thanks. She did confide in me one night, that she does not and never really has found me very attractive. It was not in or around a fight. She said it very matter-of-fact. I was utterly shocked and devastated. It has changed the way I relate to her. She said that this was why she has certain difficulties around being sexual. It makes a lot of sense. I really don't know what to do with this. It really hurts to know that here we are and have been married nearly 30 years and she has never seen me as attractive. When, not if, I lose these extra pounds, I WILL be quite attractive for my age. I am reasonable fit from working hard physical jobs in the summer, and doing regular walks.  Carlton Larsen, Ba, Bgp Freelance Musician 426 Pinehouse Drive Saskatoon Sk S7K4X5 ________________________________ To: insideoutweightloss Sent: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 7:44:10 PM Subject: Re: Eldred's Insight  Wanted to give you a female perspective on this... Has your wife ever said to you that she finds you unattractive? Or is this something you are inferring from her actions (or lack thereof)? I know that I have a tendency to think that I'm the one constantly affecting someone else's behavior, but in reality, it isn't necessarily so. She probably has her own issues and hangups. I know that I personally don't feel attractive at all, which means that I'm not real interested in being cuddly with my husband. While it's true that his weight is a bit of a deterrent right now, I don't think I'd be interested in Brad Pitt if he turned up on my doorstep. I always think that people act the way they do in response to me, but really most of us are far more interested in whatever is going on inside our heads and hardly stop to think about someone else. I don't know if that helps or not, but hopefully it's something to think about. On Tue, Jan 17, 2012 at 5:31 PM, Carlton Larsen wrote: > ** > > > Hi. > > I have been stalled at my current weight for about 3 years and maybe more. > I wonder if I am in the next lifeboat over from yours Eldred. I feel much > better than I did 30 pounds ago but if I lose the next 30 or so and my wife > still does not find my body attractive, what will that mean? If I get down > to under 180# and she still is not physically attracted to me, that will be > worse than now. There will be no excuse except that I really am physically > repulsive. From the feelings coming up as I type this I know that I am on > to something real here. > > Ouch. > > > Carlton Larsen, Ba, Bgp > Freelance Musician > 426 Pinehouse Drive > Saskatoon Sk > S7K4X5 > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 18, 2012 Report Share Posted January 18, 2012 this one really hurt me to read and I just wanted to say a few things about it. I've met people who I did not find attractive and over time, as I've gotten to know them, their humor, what drives them, what inspires them, what breaks them down - I've found that they have become more attractive to me as I see them differently and certain aspects of their physical'ness' more or less disappear into other features that become more prominent. I think as you lose weight, you also lose a number of other things that are not physical (hangups, attitudes, fears, etc.) and you gain self onfidence (confidence is so sexy!), love yourself more (and it radiates), have more of an outgoing attitude as you're not hanging back from trying things or doing things or saying things because of your weight. I think physical attraction is a whole lot more than your body - it's how you treat your body, carry your body & conduct yourself. People fall in and out of love for many reasons - I'd be surprised if nothing else changed about you as you lost the weight! > > > ** > > > > > > Hi. > > > > I have been stalled at my current weight for about 3 years and maybe more. > > I wonder if I am in the next lifeboat over from yours Eldred. I feel much > > better than I did 30 pounds ago but if I lose the next 30 or so and my wife > > still does not find my body attractive, what will that mean? If I get down > > to under 180# and she still is not physically attracted to me, that will be > > worse than now. There will be no excuse except that I really am physically > > repulsive. From the feelings coming up as I type this I know that I am on > > to something real here. > > > > Ouch. > > > > > > Carlton Larsen, Ba, Bgp > > Freelance Musician > > 426 Pinehouse Drive > > Saskatoon Sk > > S7K4X5 > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 18, 2012 Report Share Posted January 18, 2012 > > Hi and thanks. > > She did confide in me one night, that she does not and never really has found me very attractive. It was not in or around a fight. She said it very matter-of-fact. I was utterly shocked and devastated. It has changed the way I relate to her. She said that this was why she has certain difficulties around being sexual. It makes a lot of sense. I really don't know what to do with this. It really hurts to know that here we are and have been married nearly 30 years and she has never seen me as attractive. > > Wow... I'm wondering if maybe she enjoys your personality, and that made you attractive as a whole. Meaning, even though you might not be her 'type', to her you're still worth being with. Eldred Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 18, 2012 Report Share Posted January 18, 2012 Ouch. I'm really sorry to hear that. I agree with what the others said. I've known plenty of people who are physically attractive but got uglier the longer I knew them, and many who are initially unattractive but who I think are absolutely beautiful once I get to know them. Hang in there. > ** > > > > > > > > > Hi and thanks. > > > > She did confide in me one night, that she does not and never really has > found me very attractive. It was not in or around a fight. She said it very > matter-of-fact. I was utterly shocked and devastated. It has changed the > way I relate to her. She said that this was why she has certain > difficulties around being sexual. It makes a lot of sense. I really don't > know what to do with this. It really hurts to know that here we are and > have been married nearly 30 years and she has never seen me as attractive. > > > > > > Wow... I'm wondering if maybe she enjoys your personality, and that made > you attractive as a whole. Meaning, even though you might not be her > 'type', to her you're still worth being with. > > Eldred > > > -- Amelia Ramstead http://www.linkedin.com/pub/amelia-ramstead/2b/25b/601 http://www.ameeramstead.com http://ameliaramstead.blogspot.com www.twitter.com/ameliaramstead Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 18, 2012 Report Share Posted January 18, 2012 I so agree with you Colleen! I have met men who were overweight and sexy and a delight to be around and I've met men (and women) who were a normal weight and were totally unattractive and boring. One of my best friends is overweight but he has such an incredible attitude, sense of humor and total self confidence and he is always surrounded by women. Sent from my iPhone > this one really hurt me to read and I just wanted to say a few things about it. > > I've met people who I did not find attractive and over time, as I've gotten to know them, their humor, what drives them, what inspires them, what breaks them down - I've found that they have become more attractive to me as I see them differently and certain aspects of their physical'ness' more or less disappear into other features that become more prominent. > > I think as you lose weight, you also lose a number of other things that are not physical (hangups, attitudes, fears, etc.) and you gain self onfidence (confidence is so sexy!), love yourself more (and it radiates), have more of an outgoing attitude as you're not hanging back from trying things or doing things or saying things because of your weight. > > I think physical attraction is a whole lot more than your body - it's how you treat your body, carry your body & conduct yourself. People fall in and out of love for many reasons - I'd be surprised if nothing else changed about you as you lost the weight! > > > > > > > ** > > > > > > > > > Hi. > > > > > > I have been stalled at my current weight for about 3 years and maybe more. > > > I wonder if I am in the next lifeboat over from yours Eldred. I feel much > > > better than I did 30 pounds ago but if I lose the next 30 or so and my wife > > > still does not find my body attractive, what will that mean? If I get down > > > to under 180# and she still is not physically attracted to me, that will be > > > worse than now. There will be no excuse except that I really am physically > > > repulsive. From the feelings coming up as I type this I know that I am on > > > to something real here. > > > > > > Ouch. > > > > > > > > > Carlton Larsen, Ba, Bgp > > > Freelance Musician > > > 426 Pinehouse Drive > > > Saskatoon Sk > > > S7K4X5 > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 18, 2012 Report Share Posted January 18, 2012 well said. collrobinson wrote: >this one really hurt me to read and I just wanted to say a few things about it. > >I've met people who I did not find attractive and over time, as I've gotten to know them, their humor, what drives them, what inspires them, what breaks them down - I've found that they have become more attractive to me as I see them differently and certain aspects of their physical'ness' more or less disappear into other features that become more prominent. > >I think as you lose weight, you also lose a number of other things that are not physical (hangups, attitudes, fears, etc.) and you gain self onfidence (confidence is so sexy!), love yourself more (and it radiates), have more of an outgoing attitude as you're not hanging back from trying things or doing things or saying things because of your weight. > >I think physical attraction is a whole lot more than your body - it's how you treat your body, carry your body & conduct yourself. People fall in and out of love for many reasons - I'd be surprised if nothing else changed about you as you lost the weight! > > > >> >> > ** >> > >> > >> > Hi. >> > >> > I have been stalled at my current weight for about 3 years and maybe more. >> > I wonder if I am in the next lifeboat over from yours Eldred. I feel much >> > better than I did 30 pounds ago but if I lose the next 30 or so and my wife >> > still does not find my body attractive, what will that mean? If I get down >> > to under 180# and she still is not physically attracted to me, that will be >> > worse than now. There will be no excuse except that I really am physically >> > repulsive. From the feelings coming up as I type this I know that I am on >> > to something real here. >> > >> > Ouch. >> > >> > >> > Carlton Larsen, Ba, Bgp >> > Freelance Musician >> > 426 Pinehouse Drive >> > Saskatoon Sk >> > S7K4X5 >> > >> > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 19, 2012 Report Share Posted January 19, 2012 I'm sorry, Carlton - that couldn't have been easy to hear. Is it possible she doesn't think it because she finds herself incredibly non-sexy? I don't know how anyone could want to tap what I have. Hehe. Corinna Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 19, 2012 Report Share Posted January 19, 2012 Hi Corinna. Hell know, she knows she is hot. She is tall, dark blonde, 53 and foxy. She knows she is attractive and young looking. People have always mistaken her for at least 10 years younger than she is, since she was 35. She knows I find her attractive. She is just of the opinion that I am not all that attractive. I thought we kind of matched, that we looked good together, but I have never been the more attractive one. Anyway, gotta go rescue her and the van from the grocery store. Power steering problems I will have to fix.  Carlton Larsen, Ba, Bgp Freelance Musician 426 Pinehouse Drive Saskatoon Sk S7K4X5 ________________________________ To: insideoutweightloss Sent: Thursday, January 19, 2012 8:28:52 AM Subject: Re: Eldred's Insight  I'm sorry, Carlton - that couldn't have been easy to hear. Is it possible she doesn't think it because she finds herself incredibly non-sexy? I don't know how anyone could want to tap what I have. Hehe. Corinna Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 19, 2012 Report Share Posted January 19, 2012 > > I > don't know how anyone could want to tap what I have. Hehe. > Ok, that's the first time I've ever heard a woman use that expression...<g> Eldred Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 19, 2012 Report Share Posted January 19, 2012 > > Hi Corinna. > > > Hell know, she knows she is hot. She is tall, dark blonde, 53 and foxy. She knows she is attractive and young looking. People have always mistaken her for at least 10 years younger than she is, since she was 35. She knows I find her attractive. She is just of the opinion that I am not all that attractive. I thought we kind of matched, that we looked good together, but I have never been the more attractive one. Anyway, gotta go rescue her and the van from the grocery store. Power steering problems I will have to fix. > Knight in shining armor...<g> Eldred Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 20, 2012 Report Share Posted January 20, 2012 Carlton - she might intellectually know it.. but actually knowing it deep down and believing it is different.. Her feelings towards you have less to do with you than it does her choices.. I found that out the hard way in my own marriage. Course, the result of either situation is that there isn't anything you can do to change her. You have to be right by yourself for yourself... then it won't matter as much, on either level. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 20, 2012 Report Share Posted January 20, 2012 Thanks Corinna. I am finding 's insights and perspective very helpful in more than the weight loss area. Combining the encouragement for unconditional positive self regard, the insights into my own self-sabotage, and some other stuff has me shifting my perspective. I am accepting that my happiness has a lot more to do with me than with anyone else. I have to determine what my course is to be. The way I respond to others, including my wife comes from inside me and if I don't take charge of that inner life, I will keep on doing things that push people away and that will be misinterpreted. I am coming to a deeper understanding of how much of my life is ruled by fears and by negative self judgments. I am quick to latch onto anything that even appears to be critical and to own it. Unless I can learn to see myself as my Creator sees me., I will keep seeing myself as defective, as junk and as worthy of all the crap that comes m way. Instead of owning all that, I need to let it go and claim the gifts of my true self. I am finding a series of podcasts by VanWarmerdam called " the pathway to happiness " helpful. I am feeling like I am shifting my perspective to one that is less of a knee-jerk self judgment stance.  Carlton Larsen, Ba, Bgp Freelance Musician 426 Pinehouse Drive Saskatoon Sk S7K4X5 ________________________________ To: insideoutweightloss Sent: Friday, January 20, 2012 9:14:06 AM Subject: Re: Eldred's Insight  Carlton - she might intellectually know it.. but actually knowing it deep down and believing it is different.. Her feelings towards you have less to do with you than it does her choices.. I found that out the hard way in my own marriage. Course, the result of either situation is that there isn't anything you can do to change her. You have to be right by yourself for yourself... then it won't matter as much, on either level. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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