Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

[Guest guest]

wow Marcia -- I see myself in what you wrote - what a great breakthrough & train

of thought for me to get my head around ...

thanks for sharing!

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Monday, April 9, 2012 7:58 AM

Subject: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

This may seem like a small, obvious thing to many of you, but it is huge for me.

I read the first two chapters of FF, set up goals and timelines, found a fun and

doable exercise program---then just didn't do any of it.

At first, I thought that it was because I was being lazy, self-indulgent and

spoiling myself, but, a few minutes ago I realized that it's because I HAVE NO

RESPECT FOR MYSELF.

I meticulously keep to the rules, goals and deadlines that I set up for work,

family and friends, but I have never done the same for myself! This has been a

pattern all my life, but I have always chalked it up to laziness or

self-pampering. Now I realize that I don't see myself as someone to whom I need

to be accountable. By not acting on my plans I AM NOT PAMPERING MYSELF--I AM

ACTUALLY ABUSING MYSELF BY ALLOWING MYSELF TO KEEP THIS WEIGHT BY EATING TOO

MUCH AND BEING INACTIVE.

Everytime I've started a self-improvement plan I have done the same thing.

Usually I find some fault to the program or my ability to " do " it.

I just had to write this out in order to get it to sink into my brain.

Thanks for taking the time to read it.

Marcia

[Guest guest]

Great insight, Marcia. 

I sometimes find it helps to think of certain actions as " keeping promises to

myself. "

What promise did you keep to yourself today?

>________________________________

>

>To: insideoutweightloss

>Sent: Monday, April 9, 2012 5:58 PM

>Subject: Self-respect--or lack thereof

>

>

> 

>This may seem like a small, obvious thing to many of you, but it is huge for

me.

>I read the first two chapters of FF, set up goals and timelines, found a fun

and doable exercise program---then just didn't do any of it.

>At first, I thought that it was because I was being lazy, self-indulgent and

spoiling myself, but, a few minutes ago I realized that it's because I HAVE NO

RESPECT FOR MYSELF.

>

>I meticulously keep to the rules, goals and deadlines that I set up for work,

family and friends, but I have never done the same for myself! This has been a

pattern all my life, but I have always chalked it up to laziness or

self-pampering. Now I realize that I don't see myself as someone to whom I need

to be accountable. By not acting on my plans I AM NOT PAMPERING MYSELF--I AM

ACTUALLY ABUSING MYSELF BY ALLOWING MYSELF TO KEEP THIS WEIGHT BY EATING TOO

MUCH AND BEING INACTIVE.

>

>Everytime I've started a self-improvement plan I have done the same thing.

Usually I find some fault to the program or my ability to " do " it.

>

>I just had to write this out in order to get it to sink into my brain.

>

>Thanks for taking the time to read it.

>Marcia

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Marcia,

You are so right. I never thought about it in this way  but it's true. I too

tend to show respect to everyone else but myself. I have trying to " get back on

track " for weeks now and I've let anything and everything get in the way of my

adapting a more healthy lifestyle again. I have beat myself up so much the last

few weeks that I have no respect left for myself. Thanks so much for

sharing...I'm going to give this a lot of thought tonight.

________________________________

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Sent: Monday, April 9, 2012 8:13 PM

Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

wow Marcia -- I see myself in what you wrote - what a great breakthrough & train

of thought for me to get my head around ...

thanks for sharing!

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Monday, April 9, 2012 7:58 AM

Subject: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

This may seem like a small, obvious thing to many of you, but it is huge for me.

I read the first two chapters of FF, set up goals and timelines, found a fun and

doable exercise program---then just didn't do any of it.

At first, I thought that it was because I was being lazy, self-indulgent and

spoiling myself, but, a few minutes ago I realized that it's because I HAVE NO

RESPECT FOR MYSELF.

I meticulously keep to the rules, goals and deadlines that I set up for work,

family and friends, but I have never done the same for myself! This has been a

pattern all my life, but I have always chalked it up to laziness or

self-pampering. Now I realize that I don't see myself as someone to whom I need

to be accountable. By not acting on my plans I AM NOT PAMPERING MYSELF--I AM

ACTUALLY ABUSING MYSELF BY ALLOWING MYSELF TO KEEP THIS WEIGHT BY EATING TOO

MUCH AND BEING INACTIVE.

Everytime I've started a self-improvement plan I have done the same thing.

Usually I find some fault to the program or my ability to " do " it.

I just had to write this out in order to get it to sink into my brain.

Thanks for taking the time to read it.

Marcia

[Guest guest]

I can very much relate to what you're saying Marcia. I would never let other

people down like I do myself. It would be unacceptable to do that to someone

else so why do I do it to myself. Good points!

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Monday, April 9, 2012 9:58 AM

Subject: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

This may seem like a small, obvious thing to many of you, but it is huge for me.

I read the first two chapters of FF, set up goals and timelines, found a fun and

doable exercise program---then just didn't do any of it.

At first, I thought that it was because I was being lazy, self-indulgent and

spoiling myself, but, a few minutes ago I realized that it's because I HAVE NO

RESPECT FOR MYSELF.

I meticulously keep to the rules, goals and deadlines that I set up for work,

family and friends, but I have never done the same for myself! This has been a

pattern all my life, but I have always chalked it up to laziness or

self-pampering. Now I realize that I don't see myself as someone to whom I need

to be accountable. By not acting on my plans I AM NOT PAMPERING MYSELF--I AM

ACTUALLY ABUSING MYSELF BY ALLOWING MYSELF TO KEEP THIS WEIGHT BY EATING TOO

MUCH AND BEING INACTIVE.

Everytime I've started a self-improvement plan I have done the same thing.

Usually I find some fault to the program or my ability to " do " it.

I just had to write this out in order to get it to sink into my brain.

Thanks for taking the time to read it.

Marcia

[Guest guest]

I can relate to this also.  I'm glad you put it in front of me to read.

 

Thanks.

________________________________

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Sent: Monday, April 9, 2012 1:27 PM

Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

I can very much relate to what you're saying Marcia. I would never let other

people down like I do myself. It would be unacceptable to do that to someone

else so why do I do it to myself. Good points!

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Monday, April 9, 2012 9:58 AM

Subject: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

This may seem like a small, obvious thing to many of you, but it is huge for me.

I read the first two chapters of FF, set up goals and timelines, found a fun and

doable exercise program---then just didn't do any of it.

At first, I thought that it was because I was being lazy, self-indulgent and

spoiling myself, but, a few minutes ago I realized that it's because I HAVE NO

RESPECT FOR MYSELF.

I meticulously keep to the rules, goals and deadlines that I set up for work,

family and friends, but I have never done the same for myself! This has been a

pattern all my life, but I have always chalked it up to laziness or

self-pampering. Now I realize that I don't see myself as someone to whom I need

to be accountable. By not acting on my plans I AM NOT PAMPERING MYSELF--I AM

ACTUALLY ABUSING MYSELF BY ALLOWING MYSELF TO KEEP THIS WEIGHT BY EATING TOO

MUCH AND BEING INACTIVE.

Everytime I've started a self-improvement plan I have done the same thing.

Usually I find some fault to the program or my ability to " do " it.

I just had to write this out in order to get it to sink into my brain.

Thanks for taking the time to read it.

Marcia

[Guest guest]

Thanks so much for all the support! It's good to know that we share this

concern. I suppose it all boils down to self love and nurture.

I also realized that my actions (or inaction) gives others the impression that I

am lazy and self-indulgent and therefore deserve to be overweight and unfit. I

have seen the eye-rolling whenever I bring up the topics of healthy eating and

effective exercise. I now realize that they are thinking, " If you are so

informed--why aren't you thin and fit? "

Thanks again for your responses. You've given me even more to think about. I'm

going to reread FF chapters 1 & 2 again tonight and maybe even one more.

We deserve to get the same love and attention that we give to others!

Marcia

>

> This may seem like a small, obvious thing to many of you, but it is huge for

me.

> I read the first two chapters of FF, set up goals and timelines, found a fun

and doable exercise program---then just didn't do any of it.

> At first, I thought that it was because I was being lazy, self-indulgent and

spoiling myself, but, a few minutes ago I realized that it's because I HAVE NO

RESPECT FOR MYSELF.

>

> I meticulously keep to the rules, goals and deadlines that I set up for work,

family and friends, but I have never done the same for myself! This has been a

pattern all my life, but I have always chalked it up to laziness or

self-pampering. Now I realize that I don't see myself as someone to whom I need

to be accountable. By not acting on my plans I AM NOT PAMPERING MYSELF--I AM

ACTUALLY ABUSING MYSELF BY ALLOWING MYSELF TO KEEP THIS WEIGHT BY EATING TOO

MUCH AND BEING INACTIVE.

>

> Everytime I've started a self-improvement plan I have done the same thing.

Usually I find some fault to the program or my ability to " do " it.

>

> I just had to write this out in order to get it to sink into my brain.

>

> Thanks for taking the time to read it.

> Marcia

>

[Guest guest]

A very good point.

I just joined the group and I have to say that a lot of these comments might as

well be written by me because I can identify with A LOT of it.

Thank you everyone for sharing.

Lori

>

> I can relate to this also.  I'm glad you put it in front of me to read.

>  

> Thanks.

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: " insideoutweightloss "

<insideoutweightloss >

> Sent: Monday, April 9, 2012 1:27 PM

> Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

>

>

>  

> I can very much relate to what you're saying Marcia. I would never let other

people down like I do myself. It would be unacceptable to do that to someone

else so why do I do it to myself. Good points!

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: insideoutweightloss

> Sent: Monday, April 9, 2012 9:58 AM

> Subject: Self-respect--or lack thereof

>

>

>  

> This may seem like a small, obvious thing to many of you, but it is huge for

me.

> I read the first two chapters of FF, set up goals and timelines, found a fun

and doable exercise program---then just didn't do any of it.

> At first, I thought that it was because I was being lazy, self-indulgent and

spoiling myself, but, a few minutes ago I realized that it's because I HAVE NO

RESPECT FOR MYSELF.

>

> I meticulously keep to the rules, goals and deadlines that I set up for work,

family and friends, but I have never done the same for myself! This has been a

pattern all my life, but I have always chalked it up to laziness or

self-pampering. Now I realize that I don't see myself as someone to whom I need

to be accountable. By not acting on my plans I AM NOT PAMPERING MYSELF--I AM

ACTUALLY ABUSING MYSELF BY ALLOWING MYSELF TO KEEP THIS WEIGHT BY EATING TOO

MUCH AND BEING INACTIVE.

>

> Everytime I've started a self-improvement plan I have done the same thing.

Usually I find some fault to the program or my ability to " do " it.

>

> I just had to write this out in order to get it to sink into my brain.

>

> Thanks for taking the time to read it.

> Marcia

>

>

[Guest guest]

On Mon, Apr 9, 2012 at 10:58 AM, muttimarcia@...

wrote:

> This may seem like a small, obvious thing to many of you, but it is huge for

me.

> I read the first two chapters of FF, set up goals and timelines, found a fun

and doable exercise program---then just didn't do any of it.

> At first, I thought that it was because I was being lazy, self-indulgent and

spoiling myself, but, a few minutes ago I realized that it's because I HAVE NO

RESPECT FOR MYSELF.

>

> I meticulously keep to the rules, goals and deadlines that I set up for work,

family and friends, but I have never done the same for myself! This has been a

pattern all my life, but I have always chalked it up to laziness or

self-pampering. Now I realize that I don't see myself as someone to whom I need

to be accountable. By not acting on my plans I AM NOT PAMPERING MYSELF--I AM

ACTUALLY ABUSING MYSELF BY ALLOWING MYSELF TO KEEP THIS WEIGHT BY EATING TOO

MUCH AND BEING INACTIVE.

>

> Everytime I've started a self-improvement plan I have done the same thing.

Usually I find some fault to the program or my ability to " do " it.

>

So let me ask: If you made a schedule to work out with a friend, do

you think you'd be more likely to stick to it?

Eldred

[Guest guest]

Oh, Eldred! Your question forced me to face an embarassing reality. The truth

is, I really don't have any local friends. I am in touch with many friends and

family via internet and phone, but since we have moved to this area, I have not

made many personal friends. Those that I do have are those I met in at a job

that brought many like-minded people together. Since that location was closed by

the parent company, I am in touch with my former co-workers, but we don't

physically get together often due to work and distance.

So, you have made me face this issue head on and write about it for the first

time. Thanks for that! Really, I mean it. 

Marcia

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Tuesday, April 10, 2012 1:27 PM

Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

On Mon, Apr 9, 2012 at 10:58 AM, muttimarcia@...

wrote:

> This may seem like a small, obvious thing to many of you, but it is huge for

me.

> I read the first two chapters of FF, set up goals and timelines, found a fun

and doable exercise program---then just didn't do any of it.

> At first, I thought that it was because I was being lazy, self-indulgent and

spoiling myself, but, a few minutes ago I realized that it's because I HAVE NO

RESPECT FOR MYSELF.

>

> I meticulously keep to the rules, goals and deadlines that I set up for work,

family and friends, but I have never done the same for myself! This has been a

pattern all my life, but I have always chalked it up to laziness or

self-pampering. Now I realize that I don't see myself as someone to whom I need

to be accountable. By not acting on my plans I AM NOT PAMPERING MYSELF--I AM

ACTUALLY ABUSING MYSELF BY ALLOWING MYSELF TO KEEP THIS WEIGHT BY EATING TOO

MUCH AND BEING INACTIVE.

>

> Everytime I've started a self-improvement plan I have done the same thing.

Usually I find some fault to the program or my ability to " do " it.

>

So let me ask: If you made a schedule to work out with a friend, do

you think you'd be more likely to stick to it?

Eldred

[Guest guest]

I feel the same way! Is anyone else watching Failure Club on Yahoo? There is an

episode where Jess faces a similar lack of respect for herself and I just cried

and cried with identification.

Any advice on how to move past it? I need help!

Thank you for posting, Marcia!

Ann

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Monday, April 9, 2012 10:58 AM

Subject: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

This may seem like a small, obvious thing to many of you, but it is huge for me.

I read the first two chapters of FF, set up goals and timelines, found a fun and

doable exercise program---then just didn't do any of it.

At first, I thought that it was because I was being lazy, self-indulgent and

spoiling myself, but, a few minutes ago I realized that it's because I HAVE NO

RESPECT FOR MYSELF.

I meticulously keep to the rules, goals and deadlines that I set up for work,

family and friends, but I have never done the same for myself! This has been a

pattern all my life, but I have always chalked it up to laziness or

self-pampering. Now I realize that I don't see myself as someone to whom I need

to be accountable. By not acting on my plans I AM NOT PAMPERING MYSELF--I AM

ACTUALLY ABUSING MYSELF BY ALLOWING MYSELF TO KEEP THIS WEIGHT BY EATING TOO

MUCH AND BEING INACTIVE.

Everytime I've started a self-improvement plan I have done the same thing.

Usually I find some fault to the program or my ability to " do " it.

I just had to write this out in order to get it to sink into my brain.

Thanks for taking the time to read it.

Marcia

[Guest guest]

> Oh, Eldred! Your question forced me to face an embarassing reality. The truth

is, I really don't have any local friends. I am in touch with many friends and

family via internet and phone, but since we have moved to this area, I have not

made many personal friends. Those that I do have are those I met in at a job

that brought many like-minded people together. Since that location was closed by

the parent company, I am in touch with my former co-workers, but we don't

physically get together often due to work and distance.

> So, you have made me face this issue head on and write about it for the first

time. Thanks for that! Really, I mean it. 

> Marcia

>

So is there a group of people at the local gym, or mall-walkers, that

you could exercise with? Tennis club or bicycle club? Since I don't

know where you're located, I don't know if the weather there is warm

enough to be 'playing outside' yet...

Eldred

--

Raising money for Make-a-Wish!  Donation page at http://wam300.org

[Guest guest]

EFT sounds like a good first step.

 

Even though I have no self-respect, I deeply and completely love an accept

myself.

Even though I have no self-respect, I choose to be naturally slender.

Even though I have no self-respect, I choose to treat myself with the same

consideration I'd show to a friend.

 

I think there's a video of doing EFT on her website.

(insideoutweightloss.com)

It's in episodes 40-41 or so in the podcasts. Can't remember which chapter in

the book.

 

Success journal might also be good--consider the fact that you asked the

question here as a success. You're showing enough self-respect to start looking

for answers, instead of just identifying the problem.

 

>________________________________

>

>To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

>Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 5:07 AM

>Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

>

>

>

> 

>

>I feel the same way! Is anyone else watching Failure Club on Yahoo? There is an

episode where Jess faces a similar lack of respect for herself and I just cried

and cried with identification.

>

>Any advice on how to move past it? I need help!

>

>Thank you for posting, Marcia!

>

>Ann

>

>

[Guest guest]

I've joined the local gym three times and hardly ever went. I'm wondering, as a

result of your suggestions, if I believe that, since I am not worthy of my own

care and respect, I will not be welcomed to be part of the groups you mention. I

am usually the fattest, most unfit person in the class, and I feel judged by

the participants and instructors. When I don't get fast results, I give up. I

probably do need to find one or two people who count on me to exercise with

them. If I have to meet someone's expectations, I will most likely get really

into it.

Thanks for the suggestions! You got me to look for the reasons that they have

not worked before. Now I can make a new plan.

Marcia

 

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 12:46 AM

Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

> Oh, Eldred! Your question forced me to face an embarassing reality. The truth

is, I really don't have any local friends. I am in touch with many friends and

family via internet and phone, but since we have moved to this area, I have not

made many personal friends. Those that I do have are those I met in at a job

that brought many like-minded people together. Since that location was closed by

the parent company, I am in touch with my former co-workers, but we don't

physically get together often due to work and distance.

> So, you have made me face this issue head on and write about it for the first

time. Thanks for that! Really, I mean it. 

> Marcia

>

So is there a group of people at the local gym, or mall-walkers, that

you could exercise with? Tennis club or bicycle club? Since I don't

know where you're located, I don't know if the weather there is warm

enough to be 'playing outside' yet...

Eldred

--

Raising money for Make-a-Wish!  Donation page at http://wam300.org

[Guest guest]

Marcia,

maybe finding a smaller gym or a specialty gym or an exercise you like (yoga,

zumba, pilates, etc.) - where the classes are smaller and at a specific time

(vs. going to the gym after work and working out on your own in a crowd of

people!) would help.  I go to a crossfit gym and the classes are small and even

though I didnt' know anyone in the beginning, I know most everyone by name now

and when I don't show up, I get razzed about it (in a fun way).  I, too, am

always the largest, oldest, most out of shape person there but crossfit has been

a place for me where I am not judged on my size or speed, which has really

helped and since it's a mix of exercise (push ups, rowing, running, wall ball,

etc.) - there's always something I suck at and there's always something I'm good

at (I'd never lifted weights before this and have found that I truly love it and

I'm good at it, which makes up for some of the others!)

also you might want to check out www.meetup.com - it's another way to find

exercise classes or make a friend who's interest is running or walking or ??  I

found a local meetup group for dog lovers and we take a 3 - 7 mile hike on the

first Sunday of each month with our respective dogs off leash, it's been a great

way to socialize the dogs, get my sweat on and talk with other dog lovers ...

________________________________

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 6:17 AM

Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

I've joined the local gym three times and hardly ever went. I'm wondering, as a

result of your suggestions, if I believe that, since I am not worthy of my own

care and respect, I will not be welcomed to be part of the groups you mention. I

am usually the fattest, most unfit person in the class, and I feel judged by

the participants and instructors. When I don't get fast results, I give up. I

probably do need to find one or two people who count on me to exercise with

them. If I have to meet someone's expectations, I will most likely get really

into it.

Thanks for the suggestions! You got me to look for the reasons that they have

not worked before. Now I can make a new plan.

Marcia

 

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 12:46 AM

Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

> Oh, Eldred! Your question forced me to face an embarassing reality. The truth

is, I really don't have any local friends. I am in touch with many friends and

family via internet and phone, but since we have moved to this area, I have not

made many personal friends. Those that I do have are those I met in at a job

that brought many like-minded people together. Since that location was closed by

the parent company, I am in touch with my former co-workers, but we don't

physically get together often due to work and distance.

> So, you have made me face this issue head on and write about it for the first

time. Thanks for that! Really, I mean it. 

> Marcia

>

So is there a group of people at the local gym, or mall-walkers, that

you could exercise with? Tennis club or bicycle club? Since I don't

know where you're located, I don't know if the weather there is warm

enough to be 'playing outside' yet...

Eldred

--

Raising money for Make-a-Wish!  Donation page at http://wam300.org

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

I wanted to address the question - how do you love oneself? It's a tough

question! EFT is definitely a step in that direction if that works for you.

I think that self-love is a very ongoing process and it's not really about

giving yourself massages or buying a new outfit, though those are really

fun. I think it has to do with changing how you see yourself and stopping

the unconscious whispers about not being good enough. It's something that

many people struggle with, including those who are at the top of their game

professionally. It's something that we don't talk about much as human

beings. It's sad really. But know that you are in good company! It's a rare

person that knows how to truly love and accept themselves.

has a great podcast with a wonderful meditation that is all about

self love. I can highly recommend it. I think it is episode 36.

You might also watch the movie " What the Bleep Do We know? " it talks about

the mind-body connection and is from the point of view of a woman who is

also hard on herself and learns self love and acceptance.

I hope those suggestions help! It's a long road, but you are not alone.

Sian

On Wed, Apr 11, 2012 at 10:22 AM, Colleen

wrote:

> **

>

>

> Marcia,

>

> maybe finding a smaller gym or a specialty gym or an exercise you like

> (yoga, zumba, pilates, etc.) - where the classes are smaller and at a

> specific time (vs. going to the gym after work and working out on your own

> in a crowd of people!) would help. I go to a crossfit gym and the classes

> are small and even though I didnt' know anyone in the beginning, I know

> most everyone by name now and when I don't show up, I get razzed about it

> (in a fun way). I, too, am always the largest, oldest, most out of shape

> person there but crossfit has been a place for me where I am not judged on

> my size or speed, which has really helped and since it's a mix of exercise

> (push ups, rowing, running, wall ball, etc.) - there's always something I

> suck at and there's always something I'm good at (I'd never lifted weights

> before this and have found that I truly love it and I'm good at it, which

> makes up for some of the others!)

>

> also you might want to check out www.meetup.com - it's another way to

> find exercise classes or make a friend who's interest is running or walking

> or ?? I found a local meetup group for dog lovers and we take a 3 - 7 mile

> hike on the first Sunday of each month with our respective dogs off leash,

> it's been a great way to socialize the dogs, get my sweat on and talk with

> other dog lovers ...

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: " insideoutweightloss " <

> insideoutweightloss >

> Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 6:17 AM

>

> Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

>

>

>

> I've joined the local gym three times and hardly ever went. I'm wondering,

> as a result of your suggestions, if I believe that, since I am not worthy

> of my own care and respect, I will not be welcomed to be part of the groups

> you mention. I am usually the fattest, most unfit person in the class, and

> I feel judged by the participants and instructors. When I don't get fast

> results, I give up. I probably do need to find one or two people who count

> on me to exercise with them. If I have to meet someone's expectations, I

> will most likely get really into it.

> Thanks for the suggestions! You got me to look for the reasons that they

> have not worked before. Now I can make a new plan.

> Marcia

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: insideoutweightloss

> Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 12:46 AM

> Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

>

>

>

> On Tue, Apr 10, 2012 at 6:26 PM, Marcia Anzur

> wrote:

> > Oh, Eldred! Your question forced me to face an embarassing reality. The

> truth is, I really don't have any local friends. I am in touch with many

> friends and family via internet and phone, but since we have moved to this

> area, I have not made many personal friends. Those that I do have are those

> I met in at a job that brought many like-minded people together. Since that

> location was closed by the parent company, I am in touch with my former

> co-workers, but we don't physically get together often due to work and

> distance.

> > So, you have made me face this issue head on and write about it for the

> first time. Thanks for that! Really, I mean it.

> > Marcia

> >

>

> So is there a group of people at the local gym, or mall-walkers, that

> you could exercise with? Tennis club or bicycle club? Since I don't

> know where you're located, I don't know if the weather there is warm

> enough to be 'playing outside' yet...

>

> Eldred

> --

> Raising money for Make-a-Wish! Donation page at http://wam300.org

>

>

[Guest guest]

> I've joined the local gym three times and hardly ever went. I'm wondering, as

a result of your suggestions, if I believe that, since I am not worthy of my own

care and respect, I will not be welcomed to be part of the groups you mention. I

am usually the fattest, most unfit person in the class, and I feel judged by the

participants and instructors. When I don't get fast results, I give up. I

probably do need to find one or two people who count on me to exercise with

them. If I have to meet someone's expectations, I will most likely get really

into it.

> Thanks for the suggestions! You got me to look for the reasons that they have

not worked before. Now I can make a new plan.

> Marcia

>

>

Glad I could help - good luck!

Eldred

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Sian! Actually, I have known about EFT for years, but it falls into the

category of those things that I suppose I didn't feel worthy of doing for

myself. It just might be the best first step I need to take. It doesn't cost

anything, I don't need any special stuff to do it, and I can do it at home.

 

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 10:48 AM

Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

Hi all,

I wanted to address the question - how do you love oneself? It's a tough

question! EFT is definitely a step in that direction if that works for you.

I think that self-love is a very ongoing process and it's not really about

giving yourself massages or buying a new outfit, though those are really

fun. I think it has to do with changing how you see yourself and stopping

the unconscious whispers about not being good enough. It's something that

many people struggle with, including those who are at the top of their game

professionally. It's something that we don't talk about much as human

beings. It's sad really. But know that you are in good company! It's a rare

person that knows how to truly love and accept themselves.

has a great podcast with a wonderful meditation that is all about

self love. I can highly recommend it. I think it is episode 36.

You might also watch the movie " What the Bleep Do We know? " it talks about

the mind-body connection and is from the point of view of a woman who is

also hard on herself and learns self love and acceptance.

I hope those suggestions help! It's a long road, but you are not alone.

Sian

On Wed, Apr 11, 2012 at 10:22 AM, Colleen

wrote:

> **

>

>

> Marcia,

>

> maybe finding a smaller gym or a specialty gym or an exercise you like

> (yoga, zumba, pilates, etc.) - where the classes are smaller and at a

> specific time (vs. going to the gym after work and working out on your own

> in a crowd of people!) would help. I go to a crossfit gym and the classes

> are small and even though I didnt' know anyone in the beginning, I know

> most everyone by name now and when I don't show up, I get razzed about it

> (in a fun way). I, too, am always the largest, oldest, most out of shape

> person there but crossfit has been a place for me where I am not judged on

> my size or speed, which has really helped and since it's a mix of exercise

> (push ups, rowing, running, wall ball, etc.) - there's always something I

> suck at and there's always something I'm good at (I'd never lifted weights

> before this and have found that I truly love it and I'm good at it, which

> makes up for some of the others!)

>

> also you might want to check out www.meetup.com - it's another way to

> find exercise classes or make a friend who's interest is running or walking

> or ?? I found a local meetup group for dog lovers and we take a 3 - 7 mile

> hike on the first Sunday of each month with our respective dogs off leash,

> it's been a great way to socialize the dogs, get my sweat on and talk with

> other dog lovers ...

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: " insideoutweightloss " <

> insideoutweightloss >

> Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 6:17 AM

>

> Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

>

>

>

> I've joined the local gym three times and hardly ever went. I'm wondering,

> as a result of your suggestions, if I believe that, since I am not worthy

> of my own care and respect, I will not be welcomed to be part of the groups

> you mention. I am usually the fattest, most unfit person in the class, and

> I feel judged by the participants and instructors. When I don't get fast

> results, I give up. I probably do need to find one or two people who count

> on me to exercise with them. If I have to meet someone's expectations, I

> will most likely get really into it.

> Thanks for the suggestions! You got me to look for the reasons that they

> have not worked before. Now I can make a new plan.

> Marcia

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: insideoutweightloss

> Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 12:46 AM

> Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

>

>

>

> On Tue, Apr 10, 2012 at 6:26 PM, Marcia Anzur

> wrote:

> > Oh, Eldred! Your question forced me to face an embarassing reality. The

> truth is, I really don't have any local friends. I am in touch with many

> friends and family via internet and phone, but since we have moved to this

> area, I have not made many personal friends. Those that I do have are those

> I met in at a job that brought many like-minded people together. Since that

> location was closed by the parent company, I am in touch with my former

> co-workers, but we don't physically get together often due to work and

> distance.

> > So, you have made me face this issue head on and write about it for the

> first time. Thanks for that! Really, I mean it.

> > Marcia

> >

>

> So is there a group of people at the local gym, or mall-walkers, that

> you could exercise with? Tennis club or bicycle club? Since I don't

> know where you're located, I don't know if the weather there is warm

> enough to be 'playing outside' yet...

>

> Eldred

> --

> Raising money for Make-a-Wish! Donation page at http://wam300.org

>

>

[Guest guest]

Ouch.

This is me. I have little in-person support for myself. I have a history of

leaving people behind and abandoning them. I have one friend from school I talk

to through the internet. I have not seen him in person for over a dozen years.

One from Bible school (35 years ago) that I have seen twice since and have lost

contact with for over ten years more than once. I can not come up with a list of

6 pallbearers. When I was a pastor my colleagues were my friends and peer group.

When that career ended I lost touch completely with all but two of them, and

they are not what I could properly call close friends.

I do not seek out friends. I have not gone out with anyone but my wife for

coffee or a visit except for the few times when I have stayed after a 12 step

meeting to have coffee. Back when I was single I had friends but I don't think I

have ever learned how to " hang out. " I go to meetings, I go to work, and I

attend social events with my family, I accompany my wife to family visits. I am

trying to think of a time when I went to visit a friend, and I can't come up

with one. Is this normal? I doubt it. I went to a men's breakfast meeting a

couple of times since 2004 but I did not feel like I fit in. 

I am very thankful for my 12 step group as that is my support. Those guys are

the people who I feel understand me. I am more relaxed with them than with

anyone. But that is kind of artificial too, in that there is a defined and

structured nature to that relationship. It is not just a friendship where you

hang around with someone and have fun. The last time I can recall having that

kind of relationship was in grade school. Maybe I am more messed up than I

thought. Better get back to doing my taxes.

 

Carlton Larsen, Ba, Bgp

Freelance Musician

426 Pinehouse Drive

Saskatoon Sk

S7K4X5

________________________________

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Sent: Tuesday, April 10, 2012 4:26:44 PM

Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

Oh, Eldred! Your question forced me to face an embarassing reality. The truth

is, I really don't have any local friends. I am in touch with many friends and

family via internet and phone, but since we have moved to this area, I have not

made many personal friends. Those that I do have are those I met in at a job

that brought many like-minded people together. Since that location was closed by

the parent company, I am in touch with my former co-workers, but we don't

physically get together often due to work and distance.

So, you have made me face this issue head on and write about it for the first

time. Thanks for that! Really, I mean it. 

Marcia

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Tuesday, April 10, 2012 1:27 PM

Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

On Mon, Apr 9, 2012 at 10:58 AM, muttimarcia@...

wrote:

> This may seem like a small, obvious thing to many of you, but it is huge for

me.

> I read the first two chapters of FF, set up goals and timelines, found a fun

and doable exercise program---then just didn't do any of it.

> At first, I thought that it was because I was being lazy, self-indulgent and

spoiling myself, but, a few minutes ago I realized that it's because I HAVE NO

RESPECT FOR MYSELF.

>

> I meticulously keep to the rules, goals and deadlines that I set up for work,

family and friends, but I have never done the same for myself! This has been a

pattern all my life, but I have always chalked it up to laziness or

self-pampering. Now I realize that I don't see myself as someone to whom I need

to be accountable. By not acting on my plans I AM NOT PAMPERING MYSELF--I AM

ACTUALLY ABUSING MYSELF BY ALLOWING MYSELF TO KEEP THIS WEIGHT BY EATING TOO

MUCH AND BEING INACTIVE.

>

> Everytime I've started a self-improvement plan I have done the same thing.

Usually I find some fault to the program or my ability to " do " it.

>

So let me ask: If you made a schedule to work out with a friend, do

you think you'd be more likely to stick to it?

Eldred

[Guest guest]

Carlton, we are introverts, and that is not a crime or a mental illness--no

matter what extroverts say!! I am so tired of people telling what I should be

doing and how lonely I must be. Actually, the contact I do have with my family,

workmates and long-distance friends keeps me pretty content most of the time. I

only get upset about it is when I get challenged by others more out-going folks.

When I posted that I had no local friends, I didn't intend for it to come across

as complaining or whining about it--just stating the facts.  I live in the Deep

South USA, but I am a political liberal and secular humanist. Any of the local

people I meet start off by asking me to their fundamentalist church and start

complaining about our president. Seriously. I choose to keep relationships

shallow yet friendly. I hate having to hide my opinions, so I avoid deeper

connections. When I want to share, I get in touch with family or distance

friends, and that's all I need.

If you are content with your life--you're fine. If you feel lonely--reach out.

Not everyone is wired to be a social butterfly!

Marcia

 

________________________________

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 2:45 PM

Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

Ouch.

This is me. I have little in-person support for myself. I have a history of

leaving people behind and abandoning them. I have one friend from school I talk

to through the internet. I have not seen him in person for over a dozen years.

One from Bible school (35 years ago) that I have seen twice since and have lost

contact with for over ten years more than once. I can not come up with a list of

6 pallbearers. When I was a pastor my colleagues were my friends and peer group.

When that career ended I lost touch completely with all but two of them, and

they are not what I could properly call close friends.

I do not seek out friends. I have not gone out with anyone but my wife for

coffee or a visit except for the few times when I have stayed after a 12 step

meeting to have coffee. Back when I was single I had friends but I don't think I

have ever learned how to " hang out. " I go to meetings, I go to work, and I

attend social events with my family, I accompany my wife to family visits. I am

trying to think of a time when I went to visit a friend, and I can't come up

with one. Is this normal? I doubt it. I went to a men's breakfast meeting a

couple of times since 2004 but I did not feel like I fit in. 

I am very thankful for my 12 step group as that is my support. Those guys are

the people who I feel understand me. I am more relaxed with them than with

anyone. But that is kind of artificial too, in that there is a defined and

structured nature to that relationship. It is not just a friendship where you

hang around with someone and have fun. The last time I can recall having that

kind of relationship was in grade school. Maybe I am more messed up than I

thought. Better get back to doing my taxes.

 

Carlton Larsen, Ba, Bgp

Freelance Musician

426 Pinehouse Drive

Saskatoon Sk

S7K4X5

________________________________

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Sent: Tuesday, April 10, 2012 4:26:44 PM

Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

Oh, Eldred! Your question forced me to face an embarassing reality. The truth

is, I really don't have any local friends. I am in touch with many friends and

family via internet and phone, but since we have moved to this area, I have not

made many personal friends. Those that I do have are those I met in at a job

that brought many like-minded people together. Since that location was closed by

the parent company, I am in touch with my former co-workers, but we don't

physically get together often due to work and distance.

So, you have made me face this issue head on and write about it for the first

time. Thanks for that! Really, I mean it. 

Marcia

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Tuesday, April 10, 2012 1:27 PM

Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

On Mon, Apr 9, 2012 at 10:58 AM, muttimarcia@...

wrote:

> This may seem like a small, obvious thing to many of you, but it is huge for

me.

> I read the first two chapters of FF, set up goals and timelines, found a fun

and doable exercise program---then just didn't do any of it.

> At first, I thought that it was because I was being lazy, self-indulgent and

spoiling myself, but, a few minutes ago I realized that it's because I HAVE NO

RESPECT FOR MYSELF.

>

> I meticulously keep to the rules, goals and deadlines that I set up for work,

family and friends, but I have never done the same for myself! This has been a

pattern all my life, but I have always chalked it up to laziness or

self-pampering. Now I realize that I don't see myself as someone to whom I need

to be accountable. By not acting on my plans I AM NOT PAMPERING MYSELF--I AM

ACTUALLY ABUSING MYSELF BY ALLOWING MYSELF TO KEEP THIS WEIGHT BY EATING TOO

MUCH AND BEING INACTIVE.

>

> Everytime I've started a self-improvement plan I have done the same thing.

Usually I find some fault to the program or my ability to " do " it.

>

So let me ask: If you made a schedule to work out with a friend, do

you think you'd be more likely to stick to it?

Eldred

[Guest guest]

Thanks, . I think you are absolutely right. EFT is one of those things that

I know about, but I haven't tried it myself. I'm going to do that RIGHT NOW!!

Thanks again

Marcia

________________________________

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 2:21 AM

Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

EFT sounds like a good first step.

 

Even though I have no self-respect, I deeply and completely love an accept

myself.

Even though I have no self-respect, I choose to be naturally slender.

Even though I have no self-respect, I choose to treat myself with the same

consideration I'd show to a friend.

 

I think there's a video of doing EFT on her website.

(insideoutweightloss.com)

It's in episodes 40-41 or so in the podcasts. Can't remember which chapter in

the book.

 

Success journal might also be good--consider the fact that you asked the

question here as a success. You're showing enough self-respect to start looking

for answers, instead of just identifying the problem.

 

>________________________________

>

>To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

>Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 5:07 AM

>Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

>

>

>

> 

>

>I feel the same way! Is anyone else watching Failure Club on Yahoo? There is an

episode where Jess faces a similar lack of respect for herself and I just cried

and cried with identification.

>

>Any advice on how to move past it? I need help!

>

>Thank you for posting, Marcia!

>

>Ann

>

>

[Guest guest]

Carlton,

I wouldn't call you messed up if the relationships are working for you. Not

everyone is the " hanging out " type. If you feel you're missing something then

that's something you can work on. If what you have is working ok for you I

wouldn't worry about it.

Kim

________________________________

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 1:45 PM

Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

Ouch.

This is me. I have little in-person support for myself. I have a history of

leaving people behind and abandoning them. I have one friend from school I talk

to through the internet. I have not seen him in person for over a dozen years.

One from Bible school (35 years ago) that I have seen twice since and have lost

contact with for over ten years more than once. I can not come up with a list of

6 pallbearers. When I was a pastor my colleagues were my friends and peer group.

When that career ended I lost touch completely with all but two of them, and

they are not what I could properly call close friends.

I do not seek out friends. I have not gone out with anyone but my wife for

coffee or a visit except for the few times when I have stayed after a 12 step

meeting to have coffee. Back when I was single I had friends but I don't think I

have ever learned how to " hang out. " I go to meetings, I go to work, and I

attend social events with my family, I accompany my wife to family visits. I am

trying to think of a time when I went to visit a friend, and I can't come up

with one. Is this normal? I doubt it. I went to a men's breakfast meeting a

couple of times since 2004 but I did not feel like I fit in. 

I am very thankful for my 12 step group as that is my support. Those guys are

the people who I feel understand me. I am more relaxed with them than with

anyone. But that is kind of artificial too, in that there is a defined and

structured nature to that relationship. It is not just a friendship where you

hang around with someone and have fun. The last time I can recall having that

kind of relationship was in grade school. Maybe I am more messed up than I

thought. Better get back to doing my taxes.

 

Carlton Larsen, Ba, Bgp

Freelance Musician

426 Pinehouse Drive

Saskatoon Sk

S7K4X5

________________________________

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Sent: Tuesday, April 10, 2012 4:26:44 PM

Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

Oh, Eldred! Your question forced me to face an embarassing reality. The truth

is, I really don't have any local friends. I am in touch with many friends and

family via internet and phone, but since we have moved to this area, I have not

made many personal friends. Those that I do have are those I met in at a job

that brought many like-minded people together. Since that location was closed by

the parent company, I am in touch with my former co-workers, but we don't

physically get together often due to work and distance.

So, you have made me face this issue head on and write about it for the first

time. Thanks for that! Really, I mean it. 

Marcia

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Tuesday, April 10, 2012 1:27 PM

Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

On Mon, Apr 9, 2012 at 10:58 AM, muttimarcia@...

wrote:

> This may seem like a small, obvious thing to many of you, but it is huge for

me.

> I read the first two chapters of FF, set up goals and timelines, found a fun

and doable exercise program---then just didn't do any of it.

> At first, I thought that it was because I was being lazy, self-indulgent and

spoiling myself, but, a few minutes ago I realized that it's because I HAVE NO

RESPECT FOR MYSELF.

>

> I meticulously keep to the rules, goals and deadlines that I set up for work,

family and friends, but I have never done the same for myself! This has been a

pattern all my life, but I have always chalked it up to laziness or

self-pampering. Now I realize that I don't see myself as someone to whom I need

to be accountable. By not acting on my plans I AM NOT PAMPERING MYSELF--I AM

ACTUALLY ABUSING MYSELF BY ALLOWING MYSELF TO KEEP THIS WEIGHT BY EATING TOO

MUCH AND BEING INACTIVE.

>

> Everytime I've started a self-improvement plan I have done the same thing.

Usually I find some fault to the program or my ability to " do " it.

>

So let me ask: If you made a schedule to work out with a friend, do

you think you'd be more likely to stick to it?

Eldred

[Guest guest]

> Carlton, we are introverts, and that is not a crime or a mental illness--no

matter what extroverts say!! I am so tired of people telling what I should be

doing and how lonely I must be. Actually, the contact I do have with my family,

workmates and long-distance friends keeps me pretty content most of the time. I

only get upset about it is when I get challenged by others more out-going folks.

>

Mine is just the opposite. People think I'm doing well, when I'm

actually pretty bored and lonely. I'm an introvert who really only

had work and bowling. Now I'm unemployed, I'm just bowling...poorly.

But I'm single, so I sit at home alone most nights. And eat, usually.

Eldred

--

Raising money for Make-a-Wish!  Donation page at http://wam300.org

[Guest guest]

Eldred, I've been thinking about your post a lot today. It's so easy for

strongly introverted people to get to where you are now. I've been there a

few times--especially after a move or during a period of unemployment. I tried

to get out in the evenings for a walk orto the library where I volunteered a

couple evenings a week. I find that Facebook does help some. Like Carlton

posted, I've abandoned friendships in the past, and just let relationships die

from lack of attention. On Facebook, I have reconnected with some old friends

from school and former jobs. I have also reached out and " friended " some people

who posted on other members pages. I can read about and post about my political

views and humanist interests there, too. 

I'm not encouraging you to get addicted to it, mind you. I'm just suggesting it

as an alternative to eating when lonely and bored.

Marcia

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Thursday, April 12, 2012 12:38 AM

Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

> Carlton, we are introverts, and that is not a crime or a mental illness--no

matter what extroverts say!! I am so tired of people telling what I should be

doing and how lonely I must be. Actually, the contact I do have with my family,

workmates and long-distance friends keeps me pretty content most of the time. I

only get upset about it is when I get challenged by others more out-going folks.

>

Mine is just the opposite. People think I'm doing well, when I'm

actually pretty bored and lonely. I'm an introvert who really only

had work and bowling. Now I'm unemployed, I'm just bowling...poorly.

But I'm single, so I sit at home alone most nights. And eat, usually.

Eldred

--

Raising money for Make-a-Wish!  Donation page at http://wam300.org

[Guest guest]

Thanks Kim.

Fact is, I am lonely. I used to have all these colleagues with whom I met, and

some were people I really liked. I miss jamming with them at conventions, and

visiting after meetings. I have stopped going anywhere to see anybody. I only go

out when I am taking my wife somewhere. I enjoy my students, but I am probably

going to be shutting most of that down and driving truck full time pretty soon.

I really enjoy teaching and I am good at it, but the numbers are down this year.

Everyone seems to be finding it hard to sign up new students. There is all this

digital distraction. Game play has replaced music play for youth recreation.

Where will the next generation of musicians come from? The churches are

struggling too as screens replace so much of real life.

I don't want to be just more digital road kill on the info superhighway. I want

face time with real people. And I don't feel like I know how to manage that.

There is so much distance between my wife and I lately. I can't seem to say

anything to her without being seen as depressing or upsetting somehow. I

hesitate to speak because I expect to be shut down. I struggle to like myself

and find ways to be good to me. It just seems so easy to run to the cookie jar

and get a crummy hug because it is available comfort that does not say " no. "

Enough whining. Back to the taxes. That is the Next Right Thing.

 

Carlton Larsen, Ba, Bgp

Freelance Musician

426 Pinehouse Drive

Saskatoon Sk

S7K4X5

________________________________

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 6:50:00 PM

Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

Carlton,

I wouldn't call you messed up if the relationships are working for you. Not

everyone is the " hanging out " type. If you feel you're missing something then

that's something you can work on. If what you have is working ok for you I

wouldn't worry about it.

Kim

________________________________

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 1:45 PM

Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

Ouch.

This is me. I have little in-person support for myself. I have a history of

leaving people behind and abandoning them. I have one friend from school I talk

to through the internet. I have not seen him in person for over a dozen years.

One from Bible school (35 years ago) that I have seen twice since and have lost

contact with for over ten years more than once. I can not come up with a list of

6 pallbearers. When I was a pastor my colleagues were my friends and peer group.

When that career ended I lost touch completely with all but two of them, and

they are not what I could properly call close friends.

I do not seek out friends. I have not gone out with anyone but my wife for

coffee or a visit except for the few times when I have stayed after a 12 step

meeting to have coffee. Back when I was single I had friends but I don't think I

have ever learned how to " hang out. " I go to meetings, I go to work, and I

attend social events with my family, I accompany my wife to family visits. I am

trying to think of a time when I went to visit a friend, and I can't come up

with one. Is this normal? I doubt it. I went to a men's breakfast meeting a

couple of times since 2004 but I did not feel like I fit in. 

I am very thankful for my 12 step group as that is my support. Those guys are

the people who I feel understand me. I am more relaxed with them than with

anyone. But that is kind of artificial too, in that there is a defined and

structured nature to that relationship. It is not just a friendship where you

hang around with someone and have fun. The last time I can recall having that

kind of relationship was in grade school. Maybe I am more messed up than I

thought. Better get back to doing my taxes.

 

Carlton Larsen, Ba, Bgp

Freelance Musician

426 Pinehouse Drive

Saskatoon Sk

S7K4X5

________________________________

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Sent: Tuesday, April 10, 2012 4:26:44 PM

Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

Oh, Eldred! Your question forced me to face an embarassing reality. The truth

is, I really don't have any local friends. I am in touch with many friends and

family via internet and phone, but since we have moved to this area, I have not

made many personal friends. Those that I do have are those I met in at a job

that brought many like-minded people together. Since that location was closed by

the parent company, I am in touch with my former co-workers, but we don't

physically get together often due to work and distance.

So, you have made me face this issue head on and write about it for the first

time. Thanks for that! Really, I mean it. 

Marcia

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Tuesday, April 10, 2012 1:27 PM

Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

On Mon, Apr 9, 2012 at 10:58 AM, muttimarcia@...

wrote:

> This may seem like a small, obvious thing to many of you, but it is huge for

me.

> I read the first two chapters of FF, set up goals and timelines, found a fun

and doable exercise program---then just didn't do any of it.

> At first, I thought that it was because I was being lazy, self-indulgent and

spoiling myself, but, a few minutes ago I realized that it's because I HAVE NO

RESPECT FOR MYSELF.

>

> I meticulously keep to the rules, goals and deadlines that I set up for work,

family and friends, but I have never done the same for myself! This has been a

pattern all my life, but I have always chalked it up to laziness or

self-pampering. Now I realize that I don't see myself as someone to whom I need

to be accountable. By not acting on my plans I AM NOT PAMPERING MYSELF--I AM

ACTUALLY ABUSING MYSELF BY ALLOWING MYSELF TO KEEP THIS WEIGHT BY EATING TOO

MUCH AND BEING INACTIVE.

>

> Everytime I've started a self-improvement plan I have done the same thing.

Usually I find some fault to the program or my ability to " do " it.

>

So let me ask: If you made a schedule to work out with a friend, do

you think you'd be more likely to stick to it?

Eldred

[Guest guest]

Um, Carlton, in your last post, instead of talking in terms of how many buddies

you could invite over for a poker game, you were counting pall bearers. Maybe

your wife has a point........

I am not saying that you shouldn't express those feelings. They NEED to be

expressed. I think this list is a good place to express them--because it is part

of the inner work that we are all doing. Probably your 12-step meetings are also

a safe place. An appropriate place. (Again, regarding your previous post--I know

people who have ended up creating lasting friendships with people in " the

program " outside of meetings. If these are the people you really feel closest

to, why not?)

Normally it would be safe, appropriate to express these feelings to a

spouse--but in your case, you and your wife are going through a major shift. If

she's saying she can't take the negatives right now, you need to find a way to

honor that, without invalidating your own feelings. An impossibility, you say?

Maybe. But I think there are some things you can try before shutting down

entirely. 

For starters, I suggest some EFT to release some of the emotions around the

thought of conversation. Even though I'm afraid of being shut down, I deeply and

completely love and accept myself. Even though I'm afraid of being shut down, I

choose to have normal, positive conversations with my wife. 

You might want to listen to Podcast 108, Making Saying No Easier by Saying Yes,

for more suggestions on saying what you need to say without getting someone

else's feelings all mixed up with your own.

If you feel like you really need to express the depths of what you're going

through, you might want to try writing her a letter instead. Sometimes it's

easier to actually say what you mean if you don't actually SAY it, you know? And

the other person can read--and re-read--at the right time.

At the risk of my usual Olympic-level conclusion jumping, I wonder if this

season is harder for you in terms of your former career, and loss thereof? If

that rings true, you could also look for ways to face and release any feelings

of loss or regret.

And if it gives you any hope, Carlton, I often feel like I'm surrounded by young

musicians. I'll be at a music festival next month where I get to be the talent

scout for our local folk club. The main problem will be that there are too many

talented musicians to chose from!!! My daughters and their friends are active in

music, theater, youth groups, sports, dance.... Facebook ends up being the place

where they report on all of that, instead of the place they go for their main

source of amusement. Granted, we're an ocean away, so the kids I'm seeing

wouldn't be coming to you for lessons..... But they're out there.

Maybe the shift to driving isn't a sign of being digital roadkill. Maybe it's an

opportunity from The Universe. You'll have time with the thoughts in your own

head to write your own songs. You'll be seeing new sights, so you'll have new

things to discuss with your wife. AND you get medical and dental

benefits........ 

What other gifts might you get out of this?

>________________________________

>

>To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

>Sent: Thursday, April 12, 2012 11:25 PM

>Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

>

>

> 

>Thanks Kim.

>

>Fact is, I am lonely. I used to have all these colleagues with whom I met, and

some were people I really liked. I miss jamming with them at conventions, and

visiting after meetings. I have stopped going anywhere to see anybody. I only go

out when I am taking my wife somewhere. I enjoy my students, but I am probably

going to be shutting most of that down and driving truck full time pretty soon.

I really enjoy teaching and I am good at it, but the numbers are down this year.

Everyone seems to be finding it hard to sign up new students. There is all this

digital distraction. Game play has replaced music play for youth recreation.

Where will the next generation of musicians come from? The churches are

struggling too as screens replace so much of real life.

>

>I don't want to be just more digital road kill on the info superhighway. I want

face time with real people. And I don't feel like I know how to manage that.

There is so much distance between my wife and I lately. I can't seem to say

anything to her without being seen as depressing or upsetting somehow. I

hesitate to speak because I expect to be shut down. I struggle to like myself

and find ways to be good to me. It just seems so easy to run to the cookie jar

and get a crummy hug because it is available comfort that does not say " no. "

>

>Enough whining. Back to the taxes. That is the Next Right Thing.

>

> 

>Carlton Larsen, Ba, Bgp

>Freelance Musician

>426 Pinehouse Drive

>Saskatoon Sk

>S7K4X5

>

>________________________________

>

>To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

>Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 6:50:00 PM

>Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

>

>

> 

>Carlton,

>

>I wouldn't call you messed up if the relationships are working for you. Not

everyone is the " hanging out " type. If you feel you're missing something then

that's something you can work on. If what you have is working ok for you I

wouldn't worry about it.

>Kim

>

>________________________________

>

>To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

>Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 1:45 PM

>Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

>

> 

>Ouch.

>

>This is me. I have little in-person support for myself. I have a history of

leaving people behind and abandoning them. I have one friend from school I talk

to through the internet. I have not seen him in person for over a dozen years.

One from Bible school (35 years ago) that I have seen twice since and have lost

contact with for over ten years more than once. I can not come up with a list of

6 pallbearers. When I was a pastor my colleagues were my friends and peer group.

When that career ended I lost touch completely with all but two of them, and

they are not what I could properly call close friends.

>

>I do not seek out friends. I have not gone out with anyone but my wife for

coffee or a visit except for the few times when I have stayed after a 12 step

meeting to have coffee. Back when I was single I had friends but I don't think I

have ever learned how to " hang out. " I go to meetings, I go to work, and I

attend social events with my family, I accompany my wife to family visits. I am

trying to think of a time when I went to visit a friend, and I can't come up

with one. Is this normal? I doubt it. I went to a men's breakfast meeting a

couple of times since 2004 but I did not feel like I fit in. 

>

>I am very thankful for my 12 step group as that is my support. Those guys are

the people who I feel understand me. I am more relaxed with them than with

anyone. But that is kind of artificial too, in that there is a defined and

structured nature to that relationship. It is not just a friendship where you

hang around with someone and have fun. The last time I can recall having that

kind of relationship was in grade school. Maybe I am more messed up than I

thought. Better get back to doing my taxes.

>

> 

>Carlton Larsen, Ba, Bgp

>Freelance Musician

>426 Pinehouse Drive

>Saskatoon Sk

>S7K4X5

>

>________________________________

>

>To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

>Sent: Tuesday, April 10, 2012 4:26:44 PM

>Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

>

> 

>Oh, Eldred! Your question forced me to face an embarassing reality. The truth

is, I really don't have any local friends. I am in touch with many friends and

family via internet and phone, but since we have moved to this area, I have not

made many personal friends. Those that I do have are those I met in at a job

that brought many like-minded people together. Since that location was closed by

the parent company, I am in touch with my former co-workers, but we don't

physically get together often due to work and distance.

>So, you have made me face this issue head on and write about it for the first

time. Thanks for that! Really, I mean it. 

>Marcia

>

>________________________________

>

>To: insideoutweightloss

>Sent: Tuesday, April 10, 2012 1:27 PM

>Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

>

> 

>

>On Mon, Apr 9, 2012 at 10:58 AM, muttimarcia@...

> wrote:

>> This may seem like a small, obvious thing to many of you, but it is huge for

me.

>> I read the first two chapters of FF, set up goals and timelines, found a fun

and doable exercise program---then just didn't do any of it.

>> At first, I thought that it was because I was being lazy, self-indulgent and

spoiling myself, but, a few minutes ago I realized that it's because I HAVE NO

RESPECT FOR MYSELF.

>>

>> I meticulously keep to the rules, goals and deadlines that I set up for work,

family and friends, but I have never done the same for myself! This has been a

pattern all my life, but I have always chalked it up to laziness or

self-pampering. Now I realize that I don't see myself as someone to whom I need

to be accountable. By not acting on my plans I AM NOT PAMPERING MYSELF--I AM

ACTUALLY ABUSING MYSELF BY ALLOWING MYSELF TO KEEP THIS WEIGHT BY EATING TOO

MUCH AND BEING INACTIVE.

>>

>> Everytime I've started a self-improvement plan I have done the same thing.

Usually I find some fault to the program or my ability to " do " it.

>>

>

>So let me ask: If you made a schedule to work out with a friend, do

>you think you'd be more likely to stick to it?

>

>Eldred

>

>