Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

[Guest guest]

> Eldred, I've been thinking about your post a lot today. It's so easy for

strongly introverted people to get to where you are now. I've been there a

few times--especially after a move or during a period of unemployment. I tried

to get out in the evenings for a walk orto the library where I volunteered a

couple evenings a week. I find that Facebook does help some. Like Carlton

posted, I've abandoned friendships in the past, and just let relationships die

from lack of attention. On Facebook, I have reconnected with some old friends

from school and former jobs. I have also reached out and " friended " some people

who posted on other members pages. I can read about and post about my political

views and humanist interests there, too.

> I'm not encouraging you to get addicted to it, mind you. I'm just suggesting

it as an alternative to eating when lonely and bored.

> Marcia

>

>

I'm a computer geek. Because of that, I've gotten VERY good at eating

while working on the computer...<g> But I'm already on Facebook. And

I understand reconnecting with people from the past. A high school

reconnected with me and several of our classmates, which is cool.

They're musicians as well, so we've even had a couple of jam sessions.

Most of the people I'm associated with on Facebook already have their

own lives, families, etc. I mean, it's cool...but maybe I'm just not

doing it right.

Eldred

--

Raising money for Make-a-Wish!  Donation page at http://wam300.org

[Guest guest]

Hi.

Thanks . Maybe that is the problem, I just am not any fun. You are dead on

with the loss, grief, regret and I struggle to release the shame connected to

all that. I feel like I keep stepping down the ladder and disappearing more and

more. As a pastor I had a role, and an identity. It was rewarding, but in the

end I must face the fact that I was not up to the pressures and the

expectations. I crumbled. I just could not handle it. Now I have been living my

dream of living by music since 2005 but that dream is dying. It has become

harder and harder to keep it together this year.

I am very thankful for my 12 step friends and for the gentle and kind support of

this group too. I have been broken for a long time now and I am looking for

healing. Some days it feels like I am being put together, and others it feels

like the parts are still scattered all over. It comes and goes and I guess that

is life.

Had a delicious home-made soup for lunch with LOTS of broccoli and garlic. Yum!

Tomorrow morning we leave early for Edmonton, 5 or 6 hours away by car, to see

our middle son star in a student musical at his university. Excited to see him.

We will see how the hours in the car go. I will listen. That is what I know how

to do by training and by temperment. I will speak with great care and try not to

trigger pain. I will strive to be loving and gentle. I will release expectations

of physical intimacy and accept whatever comes. If I do this with sensitivity

and care and compassion, it could be a time of healing.

I will pay attention to what I eat. I will avoid sugar and potato chips. I will

limit coffee and other caffeinated drinks. I will make a nice thermos of Earl

Grey tea with a teaspoon of honey tonight so it is ready for the morning. I will

look forward to the driving there and back and to the break from being here. And

I will go out for a second session of unicycle practice this afternoon. I will

strive to be nice to my wife and to be nice to me too.

 

Carlton Larsen, Ba, Bgp

Freelance Musician

426 Pinehouse Drive

Saskatoon Sk

S7K4X5

________________________________

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Sent: Friday, April 13, 2012 12:19:13 AM

Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

Um, Carlton, in your last post, instead of talking in terms of how many buddies

you could invite over for a poker game, you were counting pall bearers. Maybe

your wife has a point........

I am not saying that you shouldn't express those feelings. They NEED to be

expressed. I think this list is a good place to express them--because it is part

of the inner work that we are all doing. Probably your 12-step meetings are also

a safe place. An appropriate place. (Again, regarding your previous post--I know

people who have ended up creating lasting friendships with people in " the

program " outside of meetings. If these are the people you really feel closest

to, why not?)

Normally it would be safe, appropriate to express these feelings to a

spouse--but in your case, you and your wife are going through a major shift. If

she's saying she can't take the negatives right now, you need to find a way to

honor that, without invalidating your own feelings. An impossibility, you say?

Maybe. But I think there are some things you can try before shutting down

entirely. 

For starters, I suggest some EFT to release some of the emotions around the

thought of conversation. Even though I'm afraid of being shut down, I deeply and

completely love and accept myself. Even though I'm afraid of being shut down, I

choose to have normal, positive conversations with my wife. 

You might want to listen to Podcast 108, Making Saying No Easier by Saying Yes,

for more suggestions on saying what you need to say without getting someone

else's feelings all mixed up with your own.

If you feel like you really need to express the depths of what you're going

through, you might want to try writing her a letter instead. Sometimes it's

easier to actually say what you mean if you don't actually SAY it, you know? And

the other person can read--and re-read--at the right time.

At the risk of my usual Olympic-level conclusion jumping, I wonder if this

season is harder for you in terms of your former career, and loss thereof? If

that rings true, you could also look for ways to face and release any feelings

of loss or regret.

And if it gives you any hope, Carlton, I often feel like I'm surrounded by young

musicians. I'll be at a music festival next month where I get to be the talent

scout for our local folk club. The main problem will be that there are too many

talented musicians to chose from!!! My daughters and their friends are active in

music, theater, youth groups, sports, dance.... Facebook ends up being the place

where they report on all of that, instead of the place they go for their main

source of amusement. Granted, we're an ocean away, so the kids I'm seeing

wouldn't be coming to you for lessons..... But they're out there.

Maybe the shift to driving isn't a sign of being digital roadkill. Maybe it's an

opportunity from The Universe. You'll have time with the thoughts in your own

head to write your own songs. You'll be seeing new sights, so you'll have new

things to discuss with your wife. AND you get medical and dental

benefits........ 

What other gifts might you get out of this?

>________________________________

>

>To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

>Sent: Thursday, April 12, 2012 11:25 PM

>Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

>

>

> 

>Thanks Kim.

>

>Fact is, I am lonely. I used to have all these colleagues with whom I met, and

some were people I really liked. I miss jamming with them at conventions, and

visiting after meetings. I have stopped going anywhere to see anybody. I only go

out when I am taking my wife somewhere. I enjoy my students, but I am probably

going to be shutting most of that down and driving truck full time pretty soon.

I really enjoy teaching and I am good at it, but the numbers are down this year.

Everyone seems to be finding it hard to sign up new students. There is all this

digital distraction. Game play has replaced music play for youth recreation.

Where will the next generation of musicians come from? The churches are

struggling too as screens replace so much of real life.

>

>I don't want to be just more digital road kill on the info superhighway. I want

face time with real people. And I don't feel like I know how to manage that.

There is so much distance between my wife and I lately. I can't seem to say

anything to her without being seen as depressing or upsetting somehow. I

hesitate to speak because I expect to be shut down. I struggle to like myself

and find ways to be good to me. It just seems so easy to run to the cookie jar

and get a crummy hug because it is available comfort that does not say " no. "

>

>Enough whining. Back to the taxes. That is the Next Right Thing.

>

> 

>Carlton Larsen, Ba, Bgp

>Freelance Musician

>426 Pinehouse Drive

>Saskatoon Sk

>S7K4X5

>

>________________________________

>

>To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

>Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 6:50:00 PM

>Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

>

>

> 

>Carlton,

>

>I wouldn't call you messed up if the relationships are working for you. Not

everyone is the " hanging out " type. If you feel you're missing something then

that's something you can work on. If what you have is working ok for you I

wouldn't worry about it.

>Kim

>

>________________________________

>

>To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

>Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 1:45 PM

>Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

>

> 

>Ouch.

>

>This is me. I have little in-person support for myself. I have a history of

leaving people behind and abandoning them. I have one friend from school I talk

to through the internet. I have not seen him in person for over a dozen years.

One from Bible school (35 years ago) that I have seen twice since and have lost

contact with for over ten years more than once. I can not come up with a list of

6 pallbearers. When I was a pastor my colleagues were my friends and peer group.

When that career ended I lost touch completely with all but two of them, and

they are not what I could properly call close friends.

>

>I do not seek out friends. I have not gone out with anyone but my wife for

coffee or a visit except for the few times when I have stayed after a 12 step

meeting to have coffee. Back when I was single I had friends but I don't think I

have ever learned how to " hang out. " I go to meetings, I go to work, and I

attend social events with my family, I accompany my wife to family visits. I am

trying to think of a time when I went to visit a friend, and I can't come up

with one. Is this normal? I doubt it. I went to a men's breakfast meeting a

couple of times since 2004 but I did not feel like I fit in. 

>

>I am very thankful for my 12 step group as that is my support. Those guys are

the people who I feel understand me. I am more relaxed with them than with

anyone. But that is kind of artificial too, in that there is a defined and

structured nature to that relationship. It is not just a friendship where you

hang around with someone and have fun. The last time I can recall having that

kind of relationship was in grade school. Maybe I am more messed up than I

thought. Better get back to doing my taxes.

>

> 

>Carlton Larsen, Ba, Bgp

>Freelance Musician

>426 Pinehouse Drive

>Saskatoon Sk

>S7K4X5

>

>________________________________

>

>To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

>Sent: Tuesday, April 10, 2012 4:26:44 PM

>Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

>

> 

>Oh, Eldred! Your question forced me to face an embarassing reality. The truth

is, I really don't have any local friends. I am in touch with many friends and

family via internet and phone, but since we have moved to this area, I have not

made many personal friends. Those that I do have are those I met in at a job

that brought many like-minded people together. Since that location was closed by

the parent company, I am in touch with my former co-workers, but we don't

physically get together often due to work and distance.

>So, you have made me face this issue head on and write about it for the first

time. Thanks for that! Really, I mean it. 

>Marcia

>

>________________________________

>

>To: insideoutweightloss

>Sent: Tuesday, April 10, 2012 1:27 PM

>Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

>

> 

>

>On Mon, Apr 9, 2012 at 10:58 AM, muttimarcia@...

> wrote:

>> This may seem like a small, obvious thing to many of you, but it is huge for

me.

>> I read the first two chapters of FF, set up goals and timelines, found a fun

and doable exercise program---then just didn't do any of it.

>> At first, I thought that it was because I was being lazy, self-indulgent and

spoiling myself, but, a few minutes ago I realized that it's because I HAVE NO

RESPECT FOR MYSELF.

>>

>> I meticulously keep to the rules, goals and deadlines that I set up for work,

family and friends, but I have never done the same for myself! This has been a

pattern all my life, but I have always chalked it up to laziness or

self-pampering. Now I realize that I don't see myself as someone to whom I need

to be accountable. By not acting on my plans I AM NOT PAMPERING MYSELF--I AM

ACTUALLY ABUSING MYSELF BY ALLOWING MYSELF TO KEEP THIS WEIGHT BY EATING TOO

MUCH AND BEING INACTIVE.

>>

>> Everytime I've started a self-improvement plan I have done the same thing.

Usually I find some fault to the program or my ability to " do " it.

>>

>

>So let me ask: If you made a schedule to work out with a friend, do

>you think you'd be more likely to stick to it?

>

>Eldred

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry Carlton. It would be great if you and your wife could have a shared

interest that you do together. I'm not sure you're there at this point. Are

there things you're interested in doing where you could find some friends? What

small step could you take to begin the process. Not everyone will shut you down

even though that's how you're feeling now. If you give something a try and it

doesn't work out, try something else. The teaching situation is too bad because

music is so important. I'm sure you miss teaching because I know I would if I

weren't doing it.

Take care,

Kim

________________________________

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Sent: Thursday, April 12, 2012 3:25 PM

Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

Thanks Kim.

Fact is, I am lonely. I used to have all these colleagues with whom I met, and

some were people I really liked. I miss jamming with them at conventions, and

visiting after meetings. I have stopped going anywhere to see anybody. I only go

out when I am taking my wife somewhere. I enjoy my students, but I am probably

going to be shutting most of that down and driving truck full time pretty soon.

I really enjoy teaching and I am good at it, but the numbers are down this year.

Everyone seems to be finding it hard to sign up new students. There is all this

digital distraction. Game play has replaced music play for youth recreation.

Where will the next generation of musicians come from? The churches are

struggling too as screens replace so much of real life.

I don't want to be just more digital road kill on the info superhighway. I want

face time with real people. And I don't feel like I know how to manage that.

There is so much distance between my wife and I lately. I can't seem to say

anything to her without being seen as depressing or upsetting somehow. I

hesitate to speak because I expect to be shut down. I struggle to like myself

and find ways to be good to me. It just seems so easy to run to the cookie jar

and get a crummy hug because it is available comfort that does not say " no. "

Enough whining. Back to the taxes. That is the Next Right Thing.

 

Carlton Larsen, Ba, Bgp

Freelance Musician

426 Pinehouse Drive

Saskatoon Sk

S7K4X5

________________________________

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 6:50:00 PM

Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

Carlton,

I wouldn't call you messed up if the relationships are working for you. Not

everyone is the " hanging out " type. If you feel you're missing something then

that's something you can work on. If what you have is working ok for you I

wouldn't worry about it.

Kim

________________________________

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 1:45 PM

Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

Ouch.

This is me. I have little in-person support for myself. I have a history of

leaving people behind and abandoning them. I have one friend from school I talk

to through the internet. I have not seen him in person for over a dozen years.

One from Bible school (35 years ago) that I have seen twice since and have lost

contact with for over ten years more than once. I can not come up with a list of

6 pallbearers. When I was a pastor my colleagues were my friends and peer group.

When that career ended I lost touch completely with all but two of them, and

they are not what I could properly call close friends.

I do not seek out friends. I have not gone out with anyone but my wife for

coffee or a visit except for the few times when I have stayed after a 12 step

meeting to have coffee. Back when I was single I had friends but I don't think I

have ever learned how to " hang out. " I go to meetings, I go to work, and I

attend social events with my family, I accompany my wife to family visits. I am

trying to think of a time when I went to visit a friend, and I can't come up

with one. Is this normal? I doubt it. I went to a men's breakfast meeting a

couple of times since 2004 but I did not feel like I fit in. 

I am very thankful for my 12 step group as that is my support. Those guys are

the people who I feel understand me. I am more relaxed with them than with

anyone. But that is kind of artificial too, in that there is a defined and

structured nature to that relationship. It is not just a friendship where you

hang around with someone and have fun. The last time I can recall having that

kind of relationship was in grade school. Maybe I am more messed up than I

thought. Better get back to doing my taxes.

 

Carlton Larsen, Ba, Bgp

Freelance Musician

426 Pinehouse Drive

Saskatoon Sk

S7K4X5

________________________________

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Sent: Tuesday, April 10, 2012 4:26:44 PM

Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

Oh, Eldred! Your question forced me to face an embarassing reality. The truth

is, I really don't have any local friends. I am in touch with many friends and

family via internet and phone, but since we have moved to this area, I have not

made many personal friends. Those that I do have are those I met in at a job

that brought many like-minded people together. Since that location was closed by

the parent company, I am in touch with my former co-workers, but we don't

physically get together often due to work and distance.

So, you have made me face this issue head on and write about it for the first

time. Thanks for that! Really, I mean it. 

Marcia

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Tuesday, April 10, 2012 1:27 PM

Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

On Mon, Apr 9, 2012 at 10:58 AM, muttimarcia@...

wrote:

> This may seem like a small, obvious thing to many of you, but it is huge for

me.

> I read the first two chapters of FF, set up goals and timelines, found a fun

and doable exercise program---then just didn't do any of it.

> At first, I thought that it was because I was being lazy, self-indulgent and

spoiling myself, but, a few minutes ago I realized that it's because I HAVE NO

RESPECT FOR MYSELF.

>

> I meticulously keep to the rules, goals and deadlines that I set up for work,

family and friends, but I have never done the same for myself! This has been a

pattern all my life, but I have always chalked it up to laziness or

self-pampering. Now I realize that I don't see myself as someone to whom I need

to be accountable. By not acting on my plans I AM NOT PAMPERING MYSELF--I AM

ACTUALLY ABUSING MYSELF BY ALLOWING MYSELF TO KEEP THIS WEIGHT BY EATING TOO

MUCH AND BEING INACTIVE.

>

> Everytime I've started a self-improvement plan I have done the same thing.

Usually I find some fault to the program or my ability to " do " it.

>

So let me ask: If you made a schedule to work out with a friend, do

you think you'd be more likely to stick to it?

Eldred

[Guest guest]

Carlton, try reframing that. " I am afraid to be fun, to have fun " is very

different from " I just am not any fun. "

The sense of fun and enjoyment in your music comes through loud and clear. And

the fun in activities like riding your unicycle. 

(I'm afraid I'm starting to channel the Cat in the Hat now--it's fun to have

fun, but you have to know how....)

Enjoy your son's performance!

>________________________________

>

>To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

>Sent: Friday, April 13, 2012 10:57 PM

>Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

>

>

> 

>Hi.

>

>Thanks . Maybe that is the problem, I just am not any fun. You are dead on

with the loss, grief, regret and I struggle to release the shame connected to

all that. I feel like I keep stepping down the ladder and disappearing more and

more. As a pastor I had a role, and an identity. It was rewarding, but in the

end I must face the fact that I was not up to the pressures and the

expectations. I crumbled. I just could not handle it. Now I have been living my

dream of living by music since 2005 but that dream is dying. It has become

harder and harder to keep it together this year.

>

>I am very thankful for my 12 step friends and for the gentle and kind support

of this group too. I have been broken for a long time now and I am looking for

healing. Some days it feels like I am being put together, and others it feels

like the parts are still scattered all over. It comes and goes and I guess that

is life.

>

>Had a delicious home-made soup for lunch with LOTS of broccoli and garlic. Yum!

Tomorrow morning we leave early for Edmonton, 5 or 6 hours away by car, to see

our middle son star in a student musical at his university. Excited to see him.

We will see how the hours in the car go. I will listen. That is what I know how

to do by training and by temperment. I will speak with great care and try not to

trigger pain. I will strive to be loving and gentle. I will release expectations

of physical intimacy and accept whatever comes. If I do this with sensitivity

and care and compassion, it could be a time of healing.

>

>I will pay attention to what I eat. I will avoid sugar and potato chips. I will

limit coffee and other caffeinated drinks. I will make a nice thermos of Earl

Grey tea with a teaspoon of honey tonight so it is ready for the morning. I will

look forward to the driving there and back and to the break from being here. And

I will go out for a second session of unicycle practice this afternoon. I will

strive to be nice to my wife and to be nice to me too.

>

> 

>Carlton Larsen, Ba, Bgp

>Freelance Musician

>426 Pinehouse Drive

>Saskatoon Sk

>S7K4X5

>

>________________________________

[Guest guest]

Sorry to be so late on this reply.

It has been a very tiring month. May was crazy as I was cleaning up my last owed

music lessons plus driving full time. Last week I drove 60 hours plus had

students Wednesday and Thursday evenings. I am tired. I will miss teaching but I

always have to do something different in the Summer. The question that remains

is what will I do in September and October and beyond? Will I quit this, and the

dental and health plan to resume teaching full time? How many students can I

enroll? If I could be assured of 80 students, I could be doing well. If it is

60, I am back where I was scraping to meet the mortgage. If I can't get another

full day in one more school, it is back to marginal and struggling. I have kids

to feed and help to school. I have a mortgage and car payments. My wife's van is

nearly worn out. She can't get a job so it is all on me. After 7 years of

applying, I have concluded she will not get even a part-time position.

Acceptance is important for me now. I need to deal with life, not as I wish it

were, but as it is. Waiting for what is not coming is not helpful. Come

September I can teach on Saturdays. I will see how many students can come then.

Weekdays I will truck. Evenings I will rest and if there is time, play some and

maybe even do some recordings. I may even try my hand at doing video lessons.

As far as my marriage, it will likely be better once things settle down a bit.

She will feel more secure once I have a more stable income. Money is the

ultimate aphrodesiac they say and I think they may be right. Once my wallet is

fatter I will look more handsome. The physical side of the work, strapping and

tarping and such, are good for my fitness. A dental plan and health benefits

mean I can get my teeth fixed starting in August and also finally get the

glasses I have been needing for close work. All these things are good for my

self image and if I can love and accept myself more, I will be more attractive

to her. We can do some performing (and hence practice) of music together. I am

thinking that if I can finally put a few dollars aside, we may be able to see

someone and address some of the long standing sexual issues that never have been

dealt with. The most important thing for me is to not expect her to be someone

she is not, and to not expect her

to do anything she has clearly never wanted to do. I can only work on me, and

can not change her.

 

Carlton Larsen, Ba, Bgp

Truck Driver.

426 Pinehouse Drive

Saskatoon Sk

S7K4X5

________________________________

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Sent: Friday, April 13, 2012 4:35:45 PM

Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

I'm sorry Carlton. It would be great if you and your wife could have a shared

interest that you do together. I'm not sure you're there at this point. Are

there things you're interested in doing where you could find some friends? What

small step could you take to begin the process. Not everyone will shut you down

even though that's how you're feeling now. If you give something a try and it

doesn't work out, try something else. The teaching situation is too bad because

music is so important. I'm sure you miss teaching because I know I would if I

weren't doing it.

Take care,

Kim

________________________________

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Sent: Thursday, April 12, 2012 3:25 PM

Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

Thanks Kim.

Fact is, I am lonely. I used to have all these colleagues with whom I met, and

some were people I really liked. I miss jamming with them at conventions, and

visiting after meetings. I have stopped going anywhere to see anybody. I only go

out when I am taking my wife somewhere. I enjoy my students, but I am probably

going to be shutting most of that down and driving truck full time pretty soon.

I really enjoy teaching and I am good at it, but the numbers are down this year.

Everyone seems to be finding it hard to sign up new students. There is all this

digital distraction. Game play has replaced music play for youth recreation.

Where will the next generation of musicians come from? The churches are

struggling too as screens replace so much of real life.

I don't want to be just more digital road kill on the info superhighway. I want

face time with real people. And I don't feel like I know how to manage that.

There is so much distance between my wife and I lately. I can't seem to say

anything to her without being seen as depressing or upsetting somehow. I

hesitate to speak because I expect to be shut down. I struggle to like myself

and find ways to be good to me. It just seems so easy to run to the cookie jar

and get a crummy hug because it is available comfort that does not say " no. "

Enough whining. Back to the taxes. That is the Next Right Thing.

 

Carlton Larsen, Ba, Bgp

Freelance Musician

426 Pinehouse Drive

Saskatoon Sk

S7K4X5

________________________________

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 6:50:00 PM

Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

Carlton,

I wouldn't call you messed up if the relationships are working for you. Not

everyone is the " hanging out " type. If you feel you're missing something then

that's something you can work on. If what you have is working ok for you I

wouldn't worry about it.

Kim

________________________________

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 1:45 PM

Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

Ouch.

This is me. I have little in-person support for myself. I have a history of

leaving people behind and abandoning them. I have one friend from school I talk

to through the internet. I have not seen him in person for over a dozen years.

One from Bible school (35 years ago) that I have seen twice since and have lost

contact with for over ten years more than once. I can not come up with a list of

6 pallbearers. When I was a pastor my colleagues were my friends and peer group.

When that career ended I lost touch completely with all but two of them, and

they are not what I could properly call close friends.

I do not seek out friends. I have not gone out with anyone but my wife for

coffee or a visit except for the few times when I have stayed after a 12 step

meeting to have coffee. Back when I was single I had friends but I don't think I

have ever learned how to " hang out. " I go to meetings, I go to work, and I

attend social events with my family, I accompany my wife to family visits. I am

trying to think of a time when I went to visit a friend, and I can't come up

with one. Is this normal? I doubt it. I went to a men's breakfast meeting a

couple of times since 2004 but I did not feel like I fit in. 

I am very thankful for my 12 step group as that is my support. Those guys are

the people who I feel understand me. I am more relaxed with them than with

anyone. But that is kind of artificial too, in that there is a defined and

structured nature to that relationship. It is not just a friendship where you

hang around with someone and have fun. The last time I can recall having that

kind of relationship was in grade school. Maybe I am more messed up than I

thought. Better get back to doing my taxes.

 

Carlton Larsen, Ba, Bgp

Freelance Musician

426 Pinehouse Drive

Saskatoon Sk

S7K4X5

________________________________

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Sent: Tuesday, April 10, 2012 4:26:44 PM

Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

Oh, Eldred! Your question forced me to face an embarassing reality. The truth

is, I really don't have any local friends. I am in touch with many friends and

family via internet and phone, but since we have moved to this area, I have not

made many personal friends. Those that I do have are those I met in at a job

that brought many like-minded people together. Since that location was closed by

the parent company, I am in touch with my former co-workers, but we don't

physically get together often due to work and distance.

So, you have made me face this issue head on and write about it for the first

time. Thanks for that! Really, I mean it. 

Marcia

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Tuesday, April 10, 2012 1:27 PM

Subject: Re: Self-respect--or lack thereof

 

On Mon, Apr 9, 2012 at 10:58 AM, muttimarcia@...

wrote:

> This may seem like a small, obvious thing to many of you, but it is huge for

me.

> I read the first two chapters of FF, set up goals and timelines, found a fun

and doable exercise program---then just didn't do any of it.

> At first, I thought that it was because I was being lazy, self-indulgent and

spoiling myself, but, a few minutes ago I realized that it's because I HAVE NO

RESPECT FOR MYSELF.

>

> I meticulously keep to the rules, goals and deadlines that I set up for work,

family and friends, but I have never done the same for myself! This has been a

pattern all my life, but I have always chalked it up to laziness or

self-pampering. Now I realize that I don't see myself as someone to whom I need

to be accountable. By not acting on my plans I AM NOT PAMPERING MYSELF--I AM

ACTUALLY ABUSING MYSELF BY ALLOWING MYSELF TO KEEP THIS WEIGHT BY EATING TOO

MUCH AND BEING INACTIVE.

>

> Everytime I've started a self-improvement plan I have done the same thing.

Usually I find some fault to the program or my ability to " do " it.

>

So let me ask: If you made a schedule to work out with a friend, do

you think you'd be more likely to stick to it?

Eldred