Re: Bump in the Road

[Guest guest]

Carlton,

What a good father you are! I'm so relieved that you still love and accept

your son despite your confusion about what it means for you and him. I

encourage you to contact Pflag, an organization which is designed

specifically to support the parents of GLBT children. There, I think, you

will find those who can help you through the process that many parents go

through.

It sounds to me like you've raised a wonderful young man. Gay or straight,

that is God's miracle and your blessing.

It sounds like you are worried about how this will affect your eating. Your

insight is the first step to changing your behavior. Loving yourself

through this difficult time is so important. Be kind to yourself. Think

about what you might say to your best friend if he/she came to you with

similar news. Remember to love and accept yourself, just as you do your

son. He does.

With loving faith,

Sian

On Fri, Mar 16, 2012 at 8:56 AM, Carlton Larsen wrote:

> **

>

>

> Hi.

>

> Bumps and no suspension. My middle son came out to me as gay last night. I

> have not told my wife or my mother, both of whom will have a HUGE problem

> with this. The firestorm of emotions did not hit me for several hours. I

> wish I could sleep. Time to practice acceptance. I can accept and love him

> no problem. He is my son and I will always love him and admire and support

> him. It is me and the sense that I failed him that is difficult. This will

> be a fresh load of shame and blame for me from numerous directions. I don't

> want to share this news with any of the people that will pin it all on me.

>

> Now because of old addictive behaviours I expect this will occasion a

> fresh weight struggle for me. Eating feels like the safest way to act out

> in this and a safety valve for all the pain. It is not. It can kill me.

> Acceptance of the reality of life is the only real safe course. I need to

> get over the drive to fix, to alter reality to my preference. I need to

> cope with the shame and blame tsunami that will sweep over me. I need to

> have enough acceptance of myself to rise above that and let it sweep past.

> The problem is that I already feel overwhelmed and submerged.

>

> I will do my best and I will try to practice acceptance and self-love and

> self care that is appropriate. I have written to some trusted friends that

> know and support and care for me. That said I feel very alone even though I

> am not. I hurt.

>

>

> Carlton Larsen, Ba, Bgp

> Freelance Musician

> 426 Pinehouse Drive

> Saskatoon Sk

> S7K4X5

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Carlton:

You are not alone. There is a wonderful organization called PFLAG

(Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) that you should contact

immediately for guidance and support. http://www.pflagcanada.ca/en/index-e.php

Instead of looking at this as a cause to contribute to your weight

struggle could it be an opportunity to pull out your healthier

resources? It seems to me you have begun that process already by

sharing here and with close friends. Keep it up! Use every tool in

the IOWL tool kit!! Remember, we can't control how others think about

us but we can control how we react to whatever they throw our way.

You are so right to focus on the self-acceptance. It will carry you

very far! It will also be a great gift to your son who has taken a

huge step to share who he is with you.

Much love,

> Hi.

>

> Bumps and no suspension. My middle son came out to me as gay last

> night. I have not told my wife or my mother, both of whom will have

> a HUGE problem with this. The firestorm of emotions did not hit me

> for several hours. I wish I could sleep. Time to practice

> acceptance. I can accept and love him no problem. He is my son and I

> will always love him and admire and support him. It is me and the

> sense that I failed him that is difficult. This will be a fresh load

> of shame and blame for me from numerous directions. I don't want to

> share this news with any of the people that will pin it all on me.

>

> Now because of old addictive behaviours I expect this will occasion

> a fresh weight struggle for me. Eating feels like the safest way to

> act out in this and a safety valve for all the pain. It is not. It

> can kill me. Acceptance of the reality of life is the only real safe

> course. I need to get over the drive to fix, to alter reality to my

> preference. I need to cope with the shame and blame tsunami that

> will sweep over me. I need to have enough acceptance of myself to

> rise above that and let it sweep past. The problem is that I already

> feel overwhelmed and submerged.

>

> I will do my best and I will try to practice acceptance and self-

> love and self care that is appropriate. I have written to some

> trusted friends that know and support and care for me. That said I

> feel very alone even though I am not. I hurt.

>

>

> Carlton Larsen, Ba, Bgp

> Freelance Musician

> 426 Pinehouse Drive

> Saskatoon Sk

> S7K4X5

>

>

[Guest guest]

I am sorry for your struggle. I have never experienced personally either side of

our situation, but I have many gay friends who have been through it with their

parents.

You state: " Time to practice acceptance. I can accept and love him no problem.

He is my son and I will always love him and admire and support him. It is me and

the sense that I failed him that is difficult. This will be a fresh load of

shame and blame for me from numerous directions. I don't want to share this news

with any of the people that will pin it all on me. "

I guess at the end of the day, it all comes down to the debate and if you

believe that gay men and women are created and turned that way...or born that

way. I believe they are born as they are. You may not. However, I don't think

you can accept him for who he is if you believe that you have done something or

not done something, which has made him gay.....or failed him, as you say. If you

think him being gay is a failure on your part, how can you or anyone accept

that?

But if you take yourself out of this. You raised your son to the best of your

abilities, but now it is about him and not you. I am sure he needs someone to

stand up for him and perhaps that is your purpose....to stand up on his behalf

and support him against all those that will " pin it all on you " . It takes sooooo

much emotional buildup and strength to " come out " ......If you love and support

him, then do so in front of the others. He will never forget it.

I think when you remove yourself from the blame....he is how he is because he

was born that way. And he is doing what he can to make himself known in the

world so as not to feel the shame that our society places on him any longer. He

is trying to live his life despite all that. So, perhaps you need to do the

same. Set your blaming yourself aside because it won't get you anywhere and,

judging by your post, will only send you back to a state of living, eating, and

being that you don't want to be apart of. Support and love him and you will roll

right through this situation and come out feeling as though you have done the

right thing. If you concentrate on what the others think....you won't get

anywhere. Some people don't come around, but a lot of them do with education and

true acceptance. If you don't feel confident in your son and his own ability to

live out his life, then neither will the others.

I hope I haven't over-stepped, but I assume if you post something, you wish to

hear from others. Don't forget to breath and I wish you and your son the best.

>

> Hi.

>

> Bumps and no suspension. My middle son came out to me as gay last night. I

have not told my wife or my mother, both of whom will have a HUGE problem with

this. The firestorm of emotions did not hit me for several hours. I wish I could

sleep. Time to practice acceptance. I can accept and love him no problem. He is

my son and I will always love him and admire and support him. It is me and the

sense that I failed him that is difficult. This will be a fresh load of shame

and blame for me from numerous directions. I don't want to share this news with

any of the people that will pin it all on me.

>

>

> Now because of old addictive behaviours I expect this will occasion a fresh

weight struggle for me. Eating feels like the safest way to act out in this and

a safety valve for all the pain. It is not. It can kill me. Acceptance of the

reality of life is the only real safe course. I need to get over the drive to

fix, to alter reality to my preference. I need to cope with the shame and blame

tsunami that will sweep over me. I need to have enough acceptance of myself to

rise above that and let it sweep past. The problem is that I already feel

overwhelmed and submerged.

>

>

> I will do my best and I will try to practice acceptance and self-love and self

care that is appropriate. I have written to some trusted friends that know and

support and care for me. That said I feel very alone even though I am not. I

hurt.

>

>

>  

> Carlton Larsen, Ba, Bgp

> Freelance Musician

> 426 Pinehouse Drive

> Saskatoon Sk

> S7K4X5

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Carlton,

While I certainly can't even pretend to know what this situation must feel

like, I see something very positive that you can take out of it: what a

WONDERFUL father you must be, that your son felt safe having this difficult

conversation with you! Also, I know it must be terrifying to feel that some

people in your life will 'blame' you for this, but try hard to remember

that their blame, if indeed they do feel that way, is a reflection of their

beliefs and not of the truth of the situation (I know it's a LOT easier

said than done to believe that). And truly - you may be pleasantly

surprised by the reactions of your family. *Hugs!!*

~Khiri

[Guest guest]

Carlton,

I think that at the end of the day we all just want to be loved and accepted by

our parents and we need any support they can give us. I imagine it took a lot of

guts for him to talk to you but he did and he came to you for that love and

support knowing deep down you'd be there for him. Do not take this personally

Carlton; just be there for your son. And we are here for you. Hugs....

Sent from my iPhone

> Hi.

>

> Bumps and no suspension. My middle son came out to me as gay last night. I

have not told my wife or my mother, both of whom will have a HUGE problem with

this. The firestorm of emotions did not hit me for several hours. I wish I could

sleep. Time to practice acceptance. I can accept and love him no problem. He is

my son and I will always love him and admire and support him. It is me and the

sense that I failed him that is difficult. This will be a fresh load of shame

and blame for me from numerous directions. I don't want to share this news with

any of the people that will pin it all on me.

>

> Now because of old addictive behaviours I expect this will occasion a fresh

weight struggle for me. Eating feels like the safest way to act out in this and

a safety valve for all the pain. It is not. It can kill me. Acceptance of the

reality of life is the only real safe course. I need to get over the drive to

fix, to alter reality to my preference. I need to cope with the shame and blame

tsunami that will sweep over me. I need to have enough acceptance of myself to

rise above that and let it sweep past. The problem is that I already feel

overwhelmed and submerged.

>

> I will do my best and I will try to practice acceptance and self-love and self

care that is appropriate. I have written to some trusted friends that know and

support and care for me. That said I feel very alone even though I am not. I

hurt.

>

>

> Carlton Larsen, Ba, Bgp

> Freelance Musician

> 426 Pinehouse Drive

> Saskatoon Sk

> S7K4X5

>

>

[Guest guest]

WOW, major congrats, Carlton! You've just been given a GREAT GIFT, that of

turning your thoughts and experiences toward a whole new way of living. How

fantastic! This is very exciting, your chance to learn a new culture, to

discover a closeness with another human being (your son) in such an honorable

and unique way that few are given. Celebrate you remarkable son. Share the joy

of discovery with him. Redirect your thoughts outward in celebration of a life

lived in honesty and self-acceptance. There is a HUGE OPPORTUNITY here designed

especially for you. Right now, you have no idea of how incredibly great and

blessed your future can be!

Hugs for all!!

>

> Hi.

>

> Bumps and no suspension. My middle son came out to me as gay last night. I

have not told my wife or my mother, both of whom will have a HUGE problem with

this. The firestorm of emotions did not hit me for several hours. I wish I could

sleep. Time to practice acceptance. I can accept and love him no problem. He is

my son and I will always love him and admire and support him. It is me and the

sense that I failed him that is difficult. This will be a fresh load of shame

and blame for me from numerous directions. I don't want to share this news with

any of the people that will pin it all on me.

>

>

> Now because of old addictive behaviours I expect this will occasion a fresh

weight struggle for me. Eating feels like the safest way to act out in this and

a safety valve for all the pain. It is not. It can kill me. Acceptance of the

reality of life is the only real safe course. I need to get over the drive to

fix, to alter reality to my preference. I need to cope with the shame and blame

tsunami that will sweep over me. I need to have enough acceptance of myself to

rise above that and let it sweep past. The problem is that I already feel

overwhelmed and submerged.

>

>

> I will do my best and I will try to practice acceptance and self-love and self

care that is appropriate. I have written to some trusted friends that know and

support and care for me. That said I feel very alone even though I am not. I

hurt.

>

>

>  

> Carlton Larsen, Ba, Bgp

> Freelance Musician

> 426 Pinehouse Drive

> Saskatoon Sk

> S7K4X5

>

>