A Newbie and Not Sure If This Group Is For Me

[Guest guest]

Hello everyone...hope you are enjoying your weekend.

My name is and I am a 41 year old who has been emotionally

eating/binging for as long as I can remember. I have never sought help and I

have never admitted this to anyone (except you all, of course) This is the

biggest source of shame in my life. I've always been quite proud (even smug,

maybe?) that unlike my mother, father, and stepfather, I never succumbed to drug

addiction....but I didn't really escape it, did I? I didn't escape the need to

numb, self-indulge, escape, etc, did I? I am just as weak as they are....I am

just more functional/fortunate due to my drug of choice.

I have gone through and journaled the first two chapters of the book and am

overwhelmed by what I have discovered about myself. In an nutshell, I have

realized that for my entire life, I have attempted to be as small and as

pleasing and as unbudenable (is that even a word?) and unbothersome as humanely

possible. If I died today, they would put on my tombstone, " She never bothered

anybody....She never demanded anything...She always did what she was told...She

never called in sick...She was never late for work " Food is my ONE indulgence

in life....I mean except having to " bother " the grocery check out clerk for a

few seconds....I am not putting anyone out by stuffing my face. Eating, is

sadly, my preferred method of self-care.

This is all complicated by my job. I have been an inner city ER/trauma nurse

for 15+ years....I am now working in a military hospital. As you can imagine,

to avoid burnout self-care is important in this job....and BIG NEWS...my current

coping mechanism has been an epic fail-LOL, I have tried massages and other spa

services..but the whole time I am in my head fretting about putting the person

out that is attending to me...I kid you not..I am that bad..I am so bad that

even eating out is an issue... I have to clean and stack my plates and tip VERY

generously and NEVER complain how bad the service/food is in order to enjoy it

the tiniest bit. I have seriously considered talking to a therapist about these

things....but I don't want to bother them...waaaaay too self-indugent, IMO. I

would worry about the people that need the services more than I do..people with

sexual abuse, PTSD, etc.

I only comfortable giving...NEVER receiving...being strong...NEVER weak....being

helpful...NEVER helpless. And PLEASE....don't think me saintly or any such

nonsense. The amount of internal resentment and anger this builds up is better

left unmentioned. Because you see...it's not that I don't want to be a

recipient or don't want to be weak...or that I sometimes don't feel

helpless...it's that I feel I don't have the RIGHT to be any of those things

.....does that even make sense?!? And to makes matters worse...every day in my

job, I take care of people that make it a lifetime career to be ALL those

things.

This book and joining this group is an attempt to get to the bottom of all this.

My one concern is due to several posts I have read about " not eating sugar, fat,

carbs, etc " I have been there and done all that (and lost weight...for the

record I probably have about 40 lbs to lose). I don't want to regard certain

foods as " good/bad " I want to step off that merry-go-round. I want to eat when

I am hungry and stop when I am full. I want to choose food that makes me feel

good..and yes...sometimes a small amount of a perfectly made creme brulee is

going to make me feel good:-) I live in Europe and somehow they all stay skinny

eating the most amazing food you can possibly imagine. I want to be like the

French...and have 3 bites of the most decadent delicious desert and be 100%

satisfied without having to eat the whole pan and without having to have it

everyday. A french woman once told me " We believe in eating anything/everything

you want...just not all at the same time and not too much of it " IMO..that is a

healthy attitude towards food.

I haven't read further into the book (don't want to skip sections) so not sure

if cutting out whole food groups is what is advocated...I really hope not....I

was really hoping to delve into the emotional part of my eating...

Oh..and let me close by saying that this is NOT a criticism of those that have

had success and found fulfillment through cutting out certain things. People

should do what works for them...I just want clarification if this is what is

advocated for everyone.

Well..thank you for reading a rambling e-mail that went a lot longer than I

intended:-O