a breakthrough last night

February 19, 2012

Last night I suddenly remembered something that happened probably about 15

years ago between me and my mother. You may recall another tale I told

about her, about the graduation and how she was hoping to be " proud of me

too " someday.

This was earlier and I hadn't even thought of it until last night.

My mother and I had tickets to see a show at the Paramount, which is where

the Broadway tours come through. I was very excited about it, and I bought

a new outfit for the occasion. When I was this age I was overweight, but

not so heavy as I am now. I think I wore about a size 16. I picked out a

very " grownup " outfit: a long skirt, with a blazer. I liked it a lot and

wore it to the show. My mother told me I looked nice.

A few weeks after that, we were shopping for my birthday. I happened to

notice the skirt I wore on the clearance rack. I held it up to my mom and

said, " hey, remember this? "

She glanced at it and said, " No, that's ugly. "

I looked at it in disbelief, feeling hurt and anger welling up in me.

" Really? Because when I wore it to see Phantom you said I looked nice. "

" I lied, " she said.

It's hard to think well of yourself when you assume that any compliment

paid to you is a lie. Even though I didn't have this incident in my mind

for a long time (I suspect I tried very hard to forget it completely), I've

never believed people when they compliment me. " They HAVE to say that, " I

think or " They're just trying to be nice. " It's not just about how I look

either. It translates to my work, my writing, anything I do. I know that

we aren't supposed to base our opinions on ourselves on what others think.

But as humans, that's a really tall order.

--

Amelia Ramstead

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