Guest guest Posted May 24, 2012 Report Share Posted May 24, 2012 So, after listening to 's podcasts for quite some time now, and going on the journey with her, I am finally starting to learn how to love myself. I know that a big part of my self-loathing toward my body comes from my mother; she's been very critical of me since I was little, and since she's become over weight (she gained a lot of it when I was 14 and never lost it and I'm 22 now) she's become a lot meaner. I try to tell myself it's just because she's jealous that I work really hard for my body and have never been overweight or even close to it, but it's hard to have to keep consoling myself almost every day when she says something bitter. I tried talking to her about it many times, but she refuses to admit she's doing anything to hurt me and thinks I'm being a big baby. I currently live in the same house with her, having moved back in with my parents after college because I'm broke. I'm working a couple jobs right now to remedy this situation and move out ASAP, though. Anyway, so last night, I was thinking about and her advice: she said that if your body wants some sugar, then you can give it a little sugar. Whatever is going to make YOU feel good and be okay over time, then do it for yourself. So, my mom had baked a bunch of chocolate chip cookies yesterday. I usually don't indulge, but lately I've been having serious cravings for chocolate (thank you PMS), so I decided that I would let myself indulge and have two cookies. I picked them up with a smile -- knowing that I was going to treat myself to something good and not be too hard on myself like I usually am. My mom stopped what she was doing and she laughed at me. She made a face, and we locked eyes for a couple seconds, and I said, " Do you have something you'd like to say? " to which she responded, " You can't eat that. " I know she meant to imply that I was going to be doing something " fat " if I ate anything that wasn't perfectly healthy. Whenever I eat something not super healthy, I do it in secret because I know that I'll get made fun of. I went after those two cookies with confidence, with the intent that those would be the only ones I'd need for the day, and was totally shot down. I dropped the cookies back on the pile and ran upstairs and cried for ten minutes. An hour later, she came upstairs and tried to give me the cookies, like she felt bad, but I refused to eat them because I was so embarrassed that I even wanted to eat them before. I refused to eat dinner and told her I wasn't hungry because I felt uncomfortable eating anything in front of her after that ridicule. Later on after everyone went to sleep, I binged on a bunch of unhealthy foods. I know I was doing it as an act of rebellion because I felt so trapped and I wanted to feel good and give my body that sugar it wanted before. It's so humiliating. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this, so this was the only place I could go to share. It just hurts. She makes me feel like a weak person for wanting junk food sometimes; I try to be healthy most of the time. I say no to cookies and cake regularly, and she thinks that I have to be perfect all the time; I seriously think she expects me to be as serious about everything as a fitness guru or something. She holds me to that standard and makes me feel terrible about myself. Ugh, it just feels good to tell someone and get this off my chest. Sorry for the downer post. I am going to go for a walk now and listen to . I'm sure she'll make me feel a little better. Do you guys have any advice or a similar experience to share with me? I'd love to hear about it if you do. Much love and thanks for reading, Krissy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 24, 2012 Report Share Posted May 24, 2012 Krissy, I am in Al-Anon and my husband is in AA. I have learned a lot about communication in that program. One of the tools I have in my toolkit is little " come backs " that stop the other person short and therefore I don't have to engage in a battle. One of my favorite " come backs " is " You could be right. " I can say it with a smile and go along with whatever I'm doing. In your case, when your mom says something like she did, you can say... " You could be right. " And then go ahead and do whatever you're doing with a smile inside. The other one liner I like is... " Let me think about that. " I then still go ahead and do what I need to do for me. I'm sorry you're having to deal with that type of abuse. I have also learned that I can never go to the hardware store expecting to get milk. I often expected certain behavior from people that had never been able to provide it before. I'll never get support from one of my sisters for the sexual abuse I endured as a kid. Therefore, I choose not to go there with her anymore. I get my support elsewhere. Sending hugs your way! linda.ford@... " Sometimes God allows us to see the miracle. Sometimes God allows us to BE the miracle. " Mercy.... One of the Nation's Top Integrated Health Systems From: insideoutweightloss [mailto:insideoutweightloss ] On Behalf Of kreliot Sent: Thursday, May 24, 2012 1:42 PM To: insideoutweightloss Subject: Relapse So, after listening to 's podcasts for quite some time now, and going on the journey with her, I am finally starting to learn how to love myself. I know that a big part of my self-loathing toward my body comes from my mother; she's been very critical of me since I was little, and since she's become over weight (she gained a lot of it when I was 14 and never lost it and I'm 22 now) she's become a lot meaner. I try to tell myself it's just because she's jealous that I work really hard for my body and have never been overweight or even close to it, but it's hard to have to keep consoling myself almost every day when she says something bitter. I tried talking to her about it many times, but she refuses to admit she's doing anything to hurt me and thinks I'm being a big baby. I currently live in the same house with her, having moved back in with my parents after college because I'm broke. I'm working a couple jobs right now to remedy this situation and move out ASAP, though. Anyway, so last night, I was thinking about and her advice: she said that if your body wants some sugar, then you can give it a little sugar. Whatever is going to make YOU feel good and be okay over time, then do it for yourself. So, my mom had baked a bunch of chocolate chip cookies yesterday. I usually don't indulge, but lately I've been having serious cravings for chocolate (thank you PMS), so I decided that I would let myself indulge and have two cookies. I picked them up with a smile -- knowing that I was going to treat myself to something good and not be too hard on myself like I usually am. My mom stopped what she was doing and she laughed at me. She made a face, and we locked eyes for a couple seconds, and I said, " Do you have something you'd like to say? " to which she responded, " You can't eat that. " I know she meant to imply that I was going to be doing something " fat " if I ate anything that wasn't perfectly healthy. Whenever I eat something not super healthy, I do it in secret because I know that I'll get made fun of. I went after those two cookies with confidence, with the intent that those would be the only ones I'd need for the day, and was totally shot down. I dropped the cookies back on the pile and ran upstairs and cried for ten minutes. An hour later, she came upstairs and tried to give me the cookies, like she felt bad, but I refused to eat them because I was so embarrassed that I even wanted to eat them before. I refused to eat dinner and told her I wasn't hungry because I felt uncomfortable eating anything in front of her after that ridicule. Later on after everyone went to sleep, I binged on a bunch of unhealthy foods. I know I was doing it as an act of rebellion because I felt so trapped and I wanted to feel good and give my body that sugar it wanted before. It's so humiliating. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this, so this was the only place I could go to share. It just hurts. She makes me feel like a weak person for wanting junk food sometimes; I try to be healthy most of the time. I say no to cookies and cake regularly, and she thinks that I have to be perfect all the time; I seriously think she expects me to be as serious about everything as a fitness guru or something. She holds me to that standard and makes me feel terrible about myself. Ugh, it just feels good to tell someone and get this off my chest. Sorry for the downer post. I am going to go for a walk now and listen to . I'm sure she'll make me feel a little better. Do you guys have any advice or a similar experience to share with me? I'd love to hear about it if you do. Much love and thanks for reading, Krissy ***********Mercy*********** Does this look like Spam or Phishing email? http://security.smrcy.com/spam.asp This email contains information which may be PROPRIETARY IN NATURE OR OTHERWISE PROTECTED BY LAW FROM DISCLOSURE and is intended only for the use of the addresses(s) named above. If you have received this email in error, please contact the sender immediately. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 24, 2012 Report Share Posted May 24, 2012 Hi Krissy: I can definitely relate! My mother was very critical and competitive with me. I was never good enough and she taunted me with food and then used it to try to win me back when she felt guilty for going too far. She wasn't perfect but she did the best she could with what her life circumstances allowed her. In life we are always going to come across people who will be critical or judgmental so it is a good opportunity for you to start building your shield of love that will surround you and protect you from being affected by what others think, say or do. Look at this as an incredible learning experience and ask yourself... " how do I want to behave, feel and act when my mother or anyone else laughs at me or gives me THE LOOK. Welcome the chances now to build this muscle!! Turn it around so no matter what your mom or anyone else says or does in your presence you will do what is best for you!! And, you will do it from a place of love for yourself and forgiveness for them!! You already have the right instincts and seem to be way ahead of the game here in self-correcting. Although, I would suggest you change the thought pattern of your subject from the heavy word " Relapse " to something lighter like " Oops I Sooooo Deserve to Enjoy my 2 Chocolate Chip Cookiescapade. " I trust you get my drift here. : ) Love and light, > So, after listening to 's podcasts for quite some time now, and > going on the journey with her, I am finally starting to learn how to > love myself. I know that a big part of my self-loathing toward my > body comes from my mother; she's been very critical of me since I > was little, and since she's become over weight (she gained a lot of > it when I was 14 and never lost it and I'm 22 now) she's become a > lot meaner. I try to tell myself it's just because she's jealous > that I work really hard for my body and have never been overweight > or even close to it, but it's hard to have to keep consoling myself > almost every day when she says something bitter. I tried talking to > her about it many times, but she refuses to admit she's doing > anything to hurt me and thinks I'm being a big baby. > > I currently live in the same house with her, having moved back in > with my parents after college because I'm broke. I'm working a > couple jobs right now to remedy this situation and move out ASAP, > though. > > Anyway, so last night, I was thinking about and her advice: > she said that if your body wants some sugar, then you can give it a > little sugar. Whatever is going to make YOU feel good and be okay > over time, then do it for yourself. > > So, my mom had baked a bunch of chocolate chip cookies yesterday. I > usually don't indulge, but lately I've been having serious cravings > for chocolate (thank you PMS), so I decided that I would let myself > indulge and have two cookies. > > I picked them up with a smile -- knowing that I was going to treat > myself to something good and not be too hard on myself like I > usually am. My mom stopped what she was doing and she laughed at me. > She made a face, and we locked eyes for a couple seconds, and I > said, " Do you have something you'd like to say? " to which she > responded, " You can't eat that. " > > I know she meant to imply that I was going to be doing something > " fat " if I ate anything that wasn't perfectly healthy. Whenever I > eat something not super healthy, I do it in secret because I know > that I'll get made fun of. I went after those two cookies with > confidence, with the intent that those would be the only ones I'd > need for the day, and was totally shot down. > > I dropped the cookies back on the pile and ran upstairs and cried > for ten minutes. > > An hour later, she came upstairs and tried to give me the cookies, > like she felt bad, but I refused to eat them because I was so > embarrassed that I even wanted to eat them before. > > I refused to eat dinner and told her I wasn't hungry because I felt > uncomfortable eating anything in front of her after that ridicule. > > Later on after everyone went to sleep, I binged on a bunch of > unhealthy foods. I know I was doing it as an act of rebellion > because I felt so trapped and I wanted to feel good and give my body > that sugar it wanted before. It's so humiliating. > > I don't really have anyone to talk to about this, so this was the > only place I could go to share. > > It just hurts. She makes me feel like a weak person for wanting junk > food sometimes; I try to be healthy most of the time. I say no to > cookies and cake regularly, and she thinks that I have to be perfect > all the time; I seriously think she expects me to be as serious > about everything as a fitness guru or something. She holds me to > that standard and makes me feel terrible about myself. > > Ugh, it just feels good to tell someone and get this off my chest. > > Sorry for the downer post. > > I am going to go for a walk now and listen to . I'm sure she'll > make me feel a little better. > > Do you guys have any advice or a similar experience to share with > me? I'd love to hear about it if you do. > > Much love and thanks for reading, > > Krissy > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 24, 2012 Report Share Posted May 24, 2012 Krissy, I totally agree with what and said about the emotional side of things. THere's also the physical side--when you let yourself get too hungry (like when you skip dinner), it's much harder to recognize when you've had enough the next time you eat. Even if there's absolutely no emotional component to deal with. Hunger is a tool we use as part of the natural eating strategy. Feeling the right amount of hunger lets us know we're on track. But feeling too much hunger--skipping meals or otherwise withholding nourishment--verges on using food for punishment, not for nutrition. Be kind to yourself, OK? Feed yourself tasty, nourishing food when you're appropriately hungry. Eat a cookie when you truly want it. Pass on the cookies when you really want something else instead. Most days, it really is that simple. :-) >________________________________ > >To: insideoutweightloss >Sent: Thursday, May 24, 2012 9:41 PM >Subject: Relapse > > > >So, after listening to 's podcasts for quite some time now, and going on the journey with her, I am finally starting to learn how to love myself. I know that a big part of my self-loathing toward my body comes from my mother; she's been very critical of me since I was little, and since she's become over weight (she gained a lot of it when I was 14 and never lost it and I'm 22 now) she's become a lot meaner. I try to tell myself it's just because she's jealous that I work really hard for my body and have never been overweight or even close to it, but it's hard to have to keep consoling myself almost every day when she says something bitter. I tried talking to her about it many times, but she refuses to admit she's doing anything to hurt me and thinks I'm being a big baby. > >I currently live in the same house with her, having moved back in with my parents after college because I'm broke. I'm working a couple jobs right now to remedy this situation and move out ASAP, though. > >Anyway, so last night, I was thinking about and her advice: she said that if your body wants some sugar, then you can give it a little sugar. Whatever is going to make YOU feel good and be okay over time, then do it for yourself. > >So, my mom had baked a bunch of chocolate chip cookies yesterday. I usually don't indulge, but lately I've been having serious cravings for chocolate (thank you PMS), so I decided that I would let myself indulge and have two cookies. > >I picked them up with a smile -- knowing that I was going to treat myself to something good and not be too hard on myself like I usually am. My mom stopped what she was doing and she laughed at me. She made a face, and we locked eyes for a couple seconds, and I said, " Do you have something you'd like to say? " to which she responded, " You can't eat that. " > >I know she meant to imply that I was going to be doing something " fat " if I ate anything that wasn't perfectly healthy. Whenever I eat something not super healthy, I do it in secret because I know that I'll get made fun of. I went after those two cookies with confidence, with the intent that those would be the only ones I'd need for the day, and was totally shot down. > >I dropped the cookies back on the pile and ran upstairs and cried for ten minutes. > >An hour later, she came upstairs and tried to give me the cookies, like she felt bad, but I refused to eat them because I was so embarrassed that I even wanted to eat them before. > >I refused to eat dinner and told her I wasn't hungry because I felt uncomfortable eating anything in front of her after that ridicule. > >Later on after everyone went to sleep, I binged on a bunch of unhealthy foods. I know I was doing it as an act of rebellion because I felt so trapped and I wanted to feel good and give my body that sugar it wanted before. It's so humiliating. > >I don't really have anyone to talk to about this, so this was the only place I could go to share. > >It just hurts. She makes me feel like a weak person for wanting junk food sometimes; I try to be healthy most of the time. I say no to cookies and cake regularly, and she thinks that I have to be perfect all the time; I seriously think she expects me to be as serious about everything as a fitness guru or something. She holds me to that standard and makes me feel terrible about myself. > >Ugh, it just feels good to tell someone and get this off my chest. > >Sorry for the downer post. > >I am going to go for a walk now and listen to . I'm sure she'll make me feel a little better. > >Do you guys have any advice or a similar experience to share with me? I'd love to hear about it if you do. > >Much love and thanks for reading, > >Krissy > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 25, 2012 Report Share Posted May 25, 2012 Hi Krissy, , , have already given such good advice I feel I have very little to add, but you did ask for people's personal experience so I am joining in here to share that I very much understand what eating from a sense of rebellion feels like. My parents have a very strong visual aesthetic value and HATE fatness. It has always been one of those things they would comment on in a person. In particular women. After meeting someone as soon as they were alone again there would be comments like, what a nice person, what a shame she is so overweight, perhaps more my father than my mother. As a teenager I rebelled against many f their values (mistakenly I now see) and one way of making my rebellion obvious was to over eat and gain weight. There is much much more to it than that but a big thread in all my weight issues is that by being overweight I was shouting loud and clear 'I do not accept your values. I am fat and I am fine'. I would like to comment on this paragraph > > >>>>It just hurts. She makes me feel like a weak person for wanting junk > food sometimes; I try to be healthy most of the time. I say no to cookies > and cake regularly, and she thinks that I have to be perfect all the time; > I seriously think she expects me to be as serious about everything as a > fitness guru or something. She holds me to that standard and makes me feel > terrible about myself. <<<< > When anyone says 'you make me feel (insert word for emotion)' it is like handing our power over to that other person. They do whatever they do but our emotions are our own. By doing this it is letting the other person control our emotions. You know you are strong. You know you make good choices. You know you try to be healthy most of the time. You know you regularly turn down the cookies and the cake. So when she criticises or you feel she implies criticism by her looks etc. hold on to that knowledge. Be aware of all the positive things you do ... you do not need to feel terrible about yourself. Really, you don't. Feel good about yourself, know you are pleased with the way you handle food. The disarming tactics you were given are good too if you don't feel up to saying something like 'I am happy about choosing to eat these cookies' 'You may be right' is a good way of taking the wind out of someone's sails, so long as it not said aggressively. How do you feel now? Did the walk and listening to help? Jenna Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 25, 2012 Report Share Posted May 25, 2012 Hi Krissy, Thanks for sharing because it helps me to know I am not alone. It helps me to see that so many of us identify. My Mother was always thin her whole life, flat stomach and all. Weighing in at 98 when she was married. Growing up I was always given cues that I was too fat, both through the way she looked at me and what she said. I have spent a good number of years in therapy in regards to that as well as becoming a therapist myself. And no matter how much I have learned through texts, studies, self growth, whatever- my knee jerk reaction is still the same. Feel an emotion- eat. Sometimes I can be cognitive and stop it. Most times I can not. The self acceptance thing is the key, I know. So important to go in and unlearn that self criticism and replace it with nurturing love and acceptance. But that is the key. That is exactly where I am it. Knowing and now trying to do. The podcasts help immensely. Ironically, my Mother is now quite a bit overweight and has had a hard time getting the weight off. She can understand now. She is much softer now but it does not take away all that criticism. So, sistah! I am right there with yah! And isn't it great that there is such a nice group of people, just like us in this way? Love, Lori > > So, after listening to 's podcasts for quite some time now, and going on the journey with her, I am finally starting to learn how to love myself. I know that a big part of my self-loathing toward my body comes from my mother; she's been very critical of me since I was little, and since she's become over weight (she gained a lot of it when I was 14 and never lost it and I'm 22 now) she's become a lot meaner. I try to tell myself it's just because she's jealous that I work really hard for my body and have never been overweight or even close to it, but it's hard to have to keep consoling myself almost every day when she says something bitter. I tried talking to her about it many times, but she refuses to admit she's doing anything to hurt me and thinks I'm being a big baby. > > I currently live in the same house with her, having moved back in with my parents after college because I'm broke. I'm working a couple jobs right now to remedy this situation and move out ASAP, though. > > Anyway, so last night, I was thinking about and her advice: she said that if your body wants some sugar, then you can give it a little sugar. Whatever is going to make YOU feel good and be okay over time, then do it for yourself. > > So, my mom had baked a bunch of chocolate chip cookies yesterday. I usually don't indulge, but lately I've been having serious cravings for chocolate (thank you PMS), so I decided that I would let myself indulge and have two cookies. > > I picked them up with a smile -- knowing that I was going to treat myself to something good and not be too hard on myself like I usually am. My mom stopped what she was doing and she laughed at me. She made a face, and we locked eyes for a couple seconds, and I said, " Do you have something you'd like to say? " to which she responded, " You can't eat that. " > > I know she meant to imply that I was going to be doing something " fat " if I ate anything that wasn't perfectly healthy. Whenever I eat something not super healthy, I do it in secret because I know that I'll get made fun of. I went after those two cookies with confidence, with the intent that those would be the only ones I'd need for the day, and was totally shot down. > > I dropped the cookies back on the pile and ran upstairs and cried for ten minutes. > > An hour later, she came upstairs and tried to give me the cookies, like she felt bad, but I refused to eat them because I was so embarrassed that I even wanted to eat them before. > > I refused to eat dinner and told her I wasn't hungry because I felt uncomfortable eating anything in front of her after that ridicule. > > Later on after everyone went to sleep, I binged on a bunch of unhealthy foods. I know I was doing it as an act of rebellion because I felt so trapped and I wanted to feel good and give my body that sugar it wanted before. It's so humiliating. > > I don't really have anyone to talk to about this, so this was the only place I could go to share. > > It just hurts. She makes me feel like a weak person for wanting junk food sometimes; I try to be healthy most of the time. I say no to cookies and cake regularly, and she thinks that I have to be perfect all the time; I seriously think she expects me to be as serious about everything as a fitness guru or something. She holds me to that standard and makes me feel terrible about myself. > > Ugh, it just feels good to tell someone and get this off my chest. > > Sorry for the downer post. > > I am going to go for a walk now and listen to . I'm sure she'll make me feel a little better. > > Do you guys have any advice or a similar experience to share with me? I'd love to hear about it if you do. > > Much love and thanks for reading, > > Krissy > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 31, 2012 Report Share Posted May 31, 2012 Hi Krissy, I'm way behind here and am trying to catch up on posts. It seems to me that your mom is jealous that you are trying to get healthy. You said she gained weight and hasn't lost it. Next time she says something about your choices, just be direct with her. Tell her that no food is off limits if you eat it in moderation. Period. Don't let her cause more food issues for you. She needs to work on her own. I hope you get the money to move out soon. Kim ________________________________ To: insideoutweightloss Sent: Thursday, May 24, 2012 1:41 PM Subject: Relapse  So, after listening to 's podcasts for quite some time now, and going on the journey with her, I am finally starting to learn how to love myself. I know that a big part of my self-loathing toward my body comes from my mother; she's been very critical of me since I was little, and since she's become over weight (she gained a lot of it when I was 14 and never lost it and I'm 22 now) she's become a lot meaner. I try to tell myself it's just because she's jealous that I work really hard for my body and have never been overweight or even close to it, but it's hard to have to keep consoling myself almost every day when she says something bitter. I tried talking to her about it many times, but she refuses to admit she's doing anything to hurt me and thinks I'm being a big baby. I currently live in the same house with her, having moved back in with my parents after college because I'm broke. I'm working a couple jobs right now to remedy this situation and move out ASAP, though. Anyway, so last night, I was thinking about and her advice: she said that if your body wants some sugar, then you can give it a little sugar. Whatever is going to make YOU feel good and be okay over time, then do it for yourself. So, my mom had baked a bunch of chocolate chip cookies yesterday. I usually don't indulge, but lately I've been having serious cravings for chocolate (thank you PMS), so I decided that I would let myself indulge and have two cookies. I picked them up with a smile -- knowing that I was going to treat myself to something good and not be too hard on myself like I usually am. My mom stopped what she was doing and she laughed at me. She made a face, and we locked eyes for a couple seconds, and I said, " Do you have something you'd like to say? " to which she responded, " You can't eat that. " I know she meant to imply that I was going to be doing something " fat " if I ate anything that wasn't perfectly healthy. Whenever I eat something not super healthy, I do it in secret because I know that I'll get made fun of. I went after those two cookies with confidence, with the intent that those would be the only ones I'd need for the day, and was totally shot down. I dropped the cookies back on the pile and ran upstairs and cried for ten minutes. An hour later, she came upstairs and tried to give me the cookies, like she felt bad, but I refused to eat them because I was so embarrassed that I even wanted to eat them before. I refused to eat dinner and told her I wasn't hungry because I felt uncomfortable eating anything in front of her after that ridicule. Later on after everyone went to sleep, I binged on a bunch of unhealthy foods. I know I was doing it as an act of rebellion because I felt so trapped and I wanted to feel good and give my body that sugar it wanted before. It's so humiliating. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this, so this was the only place I could go to share. It just hurts. She makes me feel like a weak person for wanting junk food sometimes; I try to be healthy most of the time. I say no to cookies and cake regularly, and she thinks that I have to be perfect all the time; I seriously think she expects me to be as serious about everything as a fitness guru or something. She holds me to that standard and makes me feel terrible about myself. Ugh, it just feels good to tell someone and get this off my chest. Sorry for the downer post. I am going to go for a walk now and listen to . I'm sure she'll make me feel a little better. Do you guys have any advice or a similar experience to share with me? I'd love to hear about it if you do. Much love and thanks for reading, Krissy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 2, 2012 Report Share Posted June 2, 2012 Lori said: <quote> And no matter how much I have learned through texts, studies, self growth, whatever- my knee jerk reaction is still the same. Feel an emotion- eat. Sometimes I can be cognitive and stop it. Most times I can not. The self acceptance thing is the key, I know. So important to go in and unlearn that self criticism and replace it with nurturing love and acceptance. But that is the key. That is exactly where I am it. <unquote> Oh man can I identify! I grew up in a loving home with parents that gave me lots of love. The only thing that was missing was feelings. They got more and more distant over the years, keeping it all in and I learned that it is not OK to feel. Not just the usual " boys don't cry " message though that was there in spades and all the other suits. I even got spanked once for having stage fright and crying. Never did that again! I became a performer and a pastor partially in reaction maybe. When I left home the whole house of cards crashed down. They divorced and I never saw it coming. My father walked out and married someone else. I was left to be my mother's comforter and support. I did not her from my dad for a year or 2. I learned later that he had a breakdown. In my church I learned that is never good to be angry. It is always wrong to be critical. I learned that it is always productive to judge yourself and decide that you need to and can be better. I learned to never question authority there and in the school. I learned to be a very very very good boy. I learned that " sex is bad and dirty, save it for the one you love. " I learned to repress, deny, and flee my feelings. I fled right into pornography and sex addiction. I also fled into eating. Both come from exactly the same place, from self-hatred and from trying to make myself feel better if only for a few minutes. That flash of relief is very tempting. So here I am struggling still at 53. I am tempted to flee into worlds of fantasy and a bag of chips. Chocolate and the illusion of being attractive are my drugs of choice. I have not managed to learn to accept and to deal with my feelings. The worst thing is that I am having to actually feel them now and it does not feel good. I feel ugly, unwanted and lonely. I feel incompetent at love, and unoveable. I do have friends in my recovery group and they are an incredible treasure. They love me and they know and understand. If I go look at something inappropriate they don't condone, but they don't condemn either. I have learned that I have this powerful, often overwhelmingly powerful, inner judge. I have an equally powerful inner victim ready to take those judgments and own them and identify as whatever variety of failure I judge myself to be. I have this inner princess who feels entitled to many things, and who cries out to my inner judge for justice. The judge condemns the person or situation that has deprived me of this " right " and I have an inner villain who goes about punishing myself or those around me for what I set up to feel bad about. I also have an inner hero that is always ready to rescue anyone around me, but expects a huge reward and disproportionate thanks. Finally there is this inner prostitute that sells out my happiness, my honesty, my real feelings and yes my sexuality too, for whatever discount price is offered, or sometimes for nothing in return. Re-enter the judge, and the victim and the whole cast of the tragi-comedy that is my dysfunctional inner life. I learned all this from a fellow named Van Warmerdam and his Pathway to Happiness podcasts. It is totally in line with what teaches. I have to accept all of this, but not believe all these inner conflicts. I need to step outside this inner argument and hamster wheel of reaction. I need to learn to love and accept myself, inner cast of conflict included. Then I can move past it and see a reality above all this weirdness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 2, 2012 Report Share Posted June 2, 2012 Hi Carlton and all, Wow. Some pretty debilitating " feelings " Kind of like 'passionate feeling' prison. I can so see the connection to stuff these very powerful feelings that you list here. Anger, sex, etc. I am part Italian and part Polish. My Italian side likes to express these things freely, while my Polish (maternal) upbringing makes me want to keep myself in check or 'punish' myself for these feelings. I never actually looked at it like that until responding here to your post. Kind of makes me giggle because it is so silly in a way. I have found it very helpful to practice the self acceptance exercise of seeing myself in my minds eye and feeling a warm feeling of love and acceptance wash over me. I must say it is some pretty powerful stuff. I see a shift in my attitudes and thought today that I need to be patient with myself because it could be like a wave building within me and then washing over me to bring about change in my life. More important than losing weight- loving myself. How great is that? And to speak to what you quoted me about and how it may apply to you. Hang in there, we are going to find our way and our knee jerk reactions will soon be of the healthy variety! Right? > > Lori said: > > <quote> > > And no matter how much I have learned through texts, studies, self growth, whatever- my knee jerk reaction is still the same. Feel an emotion- eat. > > > Sometimes I can be cognitive and stop it. Most times I can not. > > The self acceptance thing is the key, I know. So important to go in and unlearn that self criticism and replace it with nurturing love and acceptance. But that is the key. That is exactly where I am it. > > <unquote> > > Oh man can I identify! I grew up in a loving home with parents that gave me lots of love. The only thing that was missing was feelings. They got more and more distant over the years, keeping it all in and I learned that it is not OK to feel. Not just the usual " boys don't cry " message though that was there in spades and all the other suits. I even got spanked once for having stage fright and crying. Never did that again! I became a performer and a pastor partially in reaction maybe. > > When I left home the whole house of cards crashed down. They divorced and I never saw it coming. My father walked out and married someone else. I was left to be my mother's comforter and support. I did not her from my dad for a year or 2. I learned later that he had a breakdown. > > > In my church I learned that is never good to be angry. It is always wrong to be critical. I learned that it is always productive to judge yourself and decide that you need to and can be better. I learned to never question authority there and in the school. I learned to be a very very very good boy. I learned that " sex is bad and dirty, save it for the one you love. " I learned to repress, deny, and flee my feelings. I fled right into pornography and sex addiction. I also fled into eating. Both come from exactly the same place, from self-hatred and from trying to make myself feel better if only for a few minutes. That flash of relief is very tempting. > > > So here I am struggling still at 53. I am tempted to flee into worlds of fantasy and a bag of chips. Chocolate and the illusion of being attractive are my drugs of choice. I have not managed to learn to accept and to deal with my feelings. The worst thing is that I am having to actually feel them now and it does not feel good. I feel ugly, unwanted and lonely. I feel incompetent at love, and unoveable. I do have friends in my recovery group and they are an incredible treasure. They love me and they know and understand. If I go look at something inappropriate they don't condone, but they don't condemn either. > > > I have learned that I have this powerful, often overwhelmingly powerful, inner judge. I have an equally powerful inner victim ready to take those judgments and own them and identify as whatever variety of failure I judge myself to be. I have this inner princess who feels entitled to many things, and who cries out to my inner judge for justice. The judge condemns the person or situation that has deprived me of this " right " and I have an inner villain who goes about punishing myself or those around me for what I set up to feel bad about. I also have an inner hero that is always ready to rescue anyone around me, but expects a huge reward and disproportionate thanks. Finally there is this inner prostitute that sells out my happiness, my honesty, my real feelings and yes my sexuality too, for whatever discount price is offered, or sometimes for nothing in return. Re-enter the judge, and the victim and the whole cast of the tragi-comedy that is my > dysfunctional inner life. > > > I learned all this from a fellow named Van Warmerdam and his Pathway to Happiness podcasts. It is totally in line with what teaches. I have to accept all of this, but not believe all these inner conflicts. I need to step outside this inner argument and hamster wheel of reaction. I need to learn to love and accept myself, inner cast of conflict included. Then I can move past it and see a reality above all this weirdness. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 2, 2012 Report Share Posted June 2, 2012 Carlton, Couple thoughts on what you've expressed here. First of all, it might be helpful for you to go back and listen to #3 again. This is the episode that explains Disney's method for success--separating the dreaming, planning, and critiquing phases. You've said before that you're afraid of the dreaming phase. Fine. Don't focus on that now--it can come later. Instead, listen to what says about the Critic, or the Judge in your case. It is GOOD to have an inner critic. You need this role. You just need to make sure you're judging or critiquing at the right time. AFTER the planning stage. Or if you are evaluating something that happened, it's OK to have the inner judge evaluate your role in the event.... But you don't need a hanging judge. You need a judge who will allow you to do some re-dos, to evaluate what else you could have done in that situation. Not a judge who is just going to hand down severe sentences that prevent you from learning. As far as your cast of characters, I have " The Committee. " A series of Inner Me characters--Inner Child, Inner Mom, Inner Teenager... and somewhere in there, just Me. Life gets interesting when one of these characters starts trying to run the show instead of Me, the rightful committee leader. But when I let the Inner Me take over the committee meeting--something interesting happens. When I take the time to examine who's talking at the " meeting " , it becomes easier to identify the issues behind the inner conflict. Which in turn makes it easier to find solutions..... For example, the other day when I was running, I started getting distracted by my thoughts. Maybe I could run another minute a little bit faster then I'd get to the 5k mark at the best time since the treadmill got fixed and then I could sign up for a run in September and then and then and then... And then my legs turned to lead and my lungs started screaming. Turns out it was my Inner Competitor--who never really developed well. But here I was on the treadmill--not the best time to start learning how to be a better loser, or how to really try to win. Instead, Inner Me gave Inner Competitor a task. " While I run, subconsciously add up all the ways I've made progress over the last year, the last 5 years, and then compare to..... " I had this vision of the Inner Competitor covered in little mini-trophies, joyfully tossing them in the air.... The image faded, and I went on to have a great run without distractions. It sounds to me like you're viewing all these inner roles as something negative. What if you turn it around into a tool you can use to move forward? What if you try to subtly alter the image from a courtroom scene to an arbitration scene? The victim and the villain are still there, but the goal shifts. It's not so much to determine who's guilty, but to determine underlying motivations, and see what can/should be done to move forward.  Use the hero--to see not just how to help the victim, but how to help the villain. Who in IOWL terms, has his own positive intent.... To some extent, it's the opposite of what you're saying. I *DO* believe my inner conflicts. They are real. If I ignore them (accepting but not believing) I will not get off that hamster wheel. If I acknowledge the inner conflicts and try to resolve them, *THEN* I make progress. The " weirdness " is the reality. Embrace it. :-) >________________________________ > >To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss > >Sent: Sunday, June 3, 2012 5:00 AM >Subject: Re: Re: Relapse > > > >Lori said: > ><quote> > >And no matter how much I have learned through texts, studies, self growth, whatever- my knee jerk reaction is still the same. Feel an emotion- eat. > >Sometimes I can be cognitive and stop it. Most times I can not. > >The self acceptance thing is the key, I know. So important to go in and unlearn that self criticism and replace it with nurturing love and acceptance. But that is the key. That is exactly where I am it. > ><unquote> > >Oh man can I identify! I grew up in a loving home with parents that gave me lots of love. The only thing that was missing was feelings. They got more and more distant over the years, keeping it all in and I learned that it is not OK to feel. Not just the usual " boys don't cry " message though that was there in spades and all the other suits. I even got spanked once for having stage fright and crying. Never did that again! I became a performer and a pastor partially in reaction maybe. > >When I left home the whole house of cards crashed down. They divorced and I never saw it coming. My father walked out and married someone else. I was left to be my mother's comforter and support. I did not her from my dad for a year or 2. I learned later that he had a breakdown. > >In my church I learned that is never good to be angry. It is always wrong to be critical. I learned that it is always productive to judge yourself and decide that you need to and can be better. I learned to never question authority there and in the school. I learned to be a very very very good boy. I learned that " sex is bad and dirty, save it for the one you love. " I learned to repress, deny, and flee my feelings. I fled right into pornography and sex addiction. I also fled into eating. Both come from exactly the same place, from self-hatred and from trying to make myself feel better if only for a few minutes. That flash of relief is very tempting. > >So here I am struggling still at 53. I am tempted to flee into worlds of fantasy and a bag of chips. Chocolate and the illusion of being attractive are my drugs of choice. I have not managed to learn to accept and to deal with my feelings. The worst thing is that I am having to actually feel them now and it does not feel good. I feel ugly, unwanted and lonely. I feel incompetent at love, and unoveable. I do have friends in my recovery group and they are an incredible treasure. They love me and they know and understand. If I go look at something inappropriate they don't condone, but they don't condemn either. > >I have learned that I have this powerful, often overwhelmingly powerful, inner judge. I have an equally powerful inner victim ready to take those judgments and own them and identify as whatever variety of failure I judge myself to be. I have this inner princess who feels entitled to many things, and who cries out to my inner judge for justice. The judge condemns the person or situation that has deprived me of this " right " and I have an inner villain who goes about punishing myself or those around me for what I set up to feel bad about. I also have an inner hero that is always ready to rescue anyone around me, but expects a huge reward and disproportionate thanks. Finally there is this inner prostitute that sells out my happiness, my honesty, my real feelings and yes my sexuality too, for whatever discount price is offered, or sometimes for nothing in return. Re-enter the judge, and the victim and the whole cast of the tragi-comedy that is my >dysfunctional inner life. > >I learned all this from a fellow named Van Warmerdam and his Pathway to Happiness podcasts. It is totally in line with what teaches. I have to accept all of this, but not believe all these inner conflicts. I need to step outside this inner argument and hamster wheel of reaction. I need to learn to love and accept myself, inner cast of conflict included. Then I can move past it and see a reality above all this weirdness. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 3, 2012 Report Share Posted June 3, 2012 Thanks . I do have a hyperactive hanging judge. That is a major challenge. At least I can see it operating. I am the primary focus of the judgments and certainly of the condemnations and severe sentences. I tend to find it easy to forgive and even excuse others. I find it very hard to forgive myself. This makes it very hard to connect with others at times because I am expecting and already cringing at the judgments to come. Whether they reject me or not is immaterial. The hurtful thing is the self judgment and self rejection. That is what really hurts. In fact it is the only thing that really hurts because if I don't accept and use their judgment and rejection on myself, it has no effect at all. Enough over analysis. My wife is having a nap, so I will go for a short walk, then spend a bit of time in the garage. I need a bit of time to do something for myself. I took a few minutes yesterday to have coffee with a couple friends. This was a good thing, no matter what I am told. I can do nice things for myself sometimes and I do not have to feel bad about it.  Carlton Larsen, Ba, Bgp Freelance Musician 426 Pinehouse Drive Saskatoon Sk S7K4X5 ________________________________ To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss > Sent: Saturday, June 2, 2012 10:42:40 PM Subject: Re: Re: Relapse  Carlton, Couple thoughts on what you've expressed here. First of all, it might be helpful for you to go back and listen to #3 again. This is the episode that explains Disney's method for success--separating the dreaming, planning, and critiquing phases. You've said before that you're afraid of the dreaming phase. Fine. Don't focus on that now--it can come later. Instead, listen to what says about the Critic, or the Judge in your case. It is GOOD to have an inner critic. You need this role. You just need to make sure you're judging or critiquing at the right time. AFTER the planning stage. Or if you are evaluating something that happened, it's OK to have the inner judge evaluate your role in the event.... But you don't need a hanging judge. You need a judge who will allow you to do some re-dos, to evaluate what else you could have done in that situation. Not a judge who is just going to hand down severe sentences that prevent you from learning. As far as your cast of characters, I have " The Committee. " A series of Inner Me characters--Inner Child, Inner Mom, Inner Teenager... and somewhere in there, just Me. Life gets interesting when one of these characters starts trying to run the show instead of Me, the rightful committee leader. But when I let the Inner Me take over the committee meeting--something interesting happens. When I take the time to examine who's talking at the " meeting " , it becomes easier to identify the issues behind the inner conflict. Which in turn makes it easier to find solutions..... For example, the other day when I was running, I started getting distracted by my thoughts. Maybe I could run another minute a little bit faster then I'd get to the 5k mark at the best time since the treadmill got fixed and then I could sign up for a run in September and then and then and then... And then my legs turned to lead and my lungs started screaming. Turns out it was my Inner Competitor--who never really developed well. But here I was on the treadmill--not the best time to start learning how to be a better loser, or how to really try to win. Instead, Inner Me gave Inner Competitor a task. " While I run, subconsciously add up all the ways I've made progress over the last year, the last 5 years, and then compare to..... " I had this vision of the Inner Competitor covered in little mini-trophies, joyfully tossing them in the air.... The image faded, and I went on to have a great run without distractions. It sounds to me like you're viewing all these inner roles as something negative. What if you turn it around into a tool you can use to move forward? What if you try to subtly alter the image from a courtroom scene to an arbitration scene? The victim and the villain are still there, but the goal shifts. It's not so much to determine who's guilty, but to determine underlying motivations, and see what can/should be done to move forward.  Use the hero--to see not just how to help the victim, but how to help the villain. Who in IOWL terms, has his own positive intent.... To some extent, it's the opposite of what you're saying. I *DO* believe my inner conflicts. They are real. If I ignore them (accepting but not believing) I will not get off that hamster wheel. If I acknowledge the inner conflicts and try to resolve them, *THEN* I make progress. The " weirdness " is the reality. Embrace it. :-) >________________________________ > >To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss > >Sent: Sunday, June 3, 2012 5:00 AM >Subject: Re: Re: Relapse > > > >Lori said: > ><quote> > >And no matter how much I have learned through texts, studies, self growth, whatever- my knee jerk reaction is still the same. Feel an emotion- eat. > >Sometimes I can be cognitive and stop it. Most times I can not. > >The self acceptance thing is the key, I know. So important to go in and unlearn that self criticism and replace it with nurturing love and acceptance. But that is the key. That is exactly where I am it. > ><unquote> > >Oh man can I identify! I grew up in a loving home with parents that gave me lots of love. The only thing that was missing was feelings. They got more and more distant over the years, keeping it all in and I learned that it is not OK to feel. Not just the usual " boys don't cry " message though that was there in spades and all the other suits. I even got spanked once for having stage fright and crying. Never did that again! I became a performer and a pastor partially in reaction maybe. > >When I left home the whole house of cards crashed down. They divorced and I never saw it coming. My father walked out and married someone else. I was left to be my mother's comforter and support. I did not her from my dad for a year or 2. I learned later that he had a breakdown. > >In my church I learned that is never good to be angry. It is always wrong to be critical. I learned that it is always productive to judge yourself and decide that you need to and can be better. I learned to never question authority there and in the school. I learned to be a very very very good boy. I learned that " sex is bad and dirty, save it for the one you love. " I learned to repress, deny, and flee my feelings. I fled right into pornography and sex addiction. I also fled into eating. Both come from exactly the same place, from self-hatred and from trying to make myself feel better if only for a few minutes. That flash of relief is very tempting. > >So here I am struggling still at 53. I am tempted to flee into worlds of fantasy and a bag of chips. Chocolate and the illusion of being attractive are my drugs of choice. I have not managed to learn to accept and to deal with my feelings. The worst thing is that I am having to actually feel them now and it does not feel good. I feel ugly, unwanted and lonely. I feel incompetent at love, and unoveable. I do have friends in my recovery group and they are an incredible treasure. They love me and they know and understand. If I go look at something inappropriate they don't condone, but they don't condemn either. > >I have learned that I have this powerful, often overwhelmingly powerful, inner judge. I have an equally powerful inner victim ready to take those judgments and own them and identify as whatever variety of failure I judge myself to be. I have this inner princess who feels entitled to many things, and who cries out to my inner judge for justice. The judge condemns the person or situation that has deprived me of this " right " and I have an inner villain who goes about punishing myself or those around me for what I set up to feel bad about. I also have an inner hero that is always ready to rescue anyone around me, but expects a huge reward and disproportionate thanks. Finally there is this inner prostitute that sells out my happiness, my honesty, my real feelings and yes my sexuality too, for whatever discount price is offered, or sometimes for nothing in return. Re-enter the judge, and the victim and the whole cast of the tragi-comedy that is my >dysfunctional inner life. > >I learned all this from a fellow named Van Warmerdam and his Pathway to Happiness podcasts. It is totally in line with what teaches. I have to accept all of this, but not believe all these inner conflicts. I need to step outside this inner argument and hamster wheel of reaction. I need to learn to love and accept myself, inner cast of conflict included. Then I can move past it and see a reality above all this weirdness. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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