Finished Chapter 3, just starting champter 4

February 3, 2012

Good Morning ALL!!!

I started reading chapter four 2 nights ago and I just realized I won't let go

of chocolate. I am eating it more moderately than before, but I " have to have

it " daily. I can't seem to find the gift behind it. When I started reading

chapter 4, two thoughts came to mind.

1. I used to steal chocolate goodies from other kids at school.

I was 5 back then. 5!!!

I think that since my mom would only send me " healthy snacks " (because I was

chubby) I had to steal them. I think I might have thought that I also deserved

the yummy snacks that all the other little girls had in their lunch boxes, so

I'd steal them from them.

I did this for many, many years.

So many of my memories revolve around weight. I was diagnosed with

hypothyroidism when I was about 6-7 and ever since ( I have a vivid memory in my

head) I have gone to nutritionists so that I could lose weight.

Oh gosh, I'm tearing up. I just realized I hated the fact that my parents kept

trying to make me slim. Like I wasn't good enough cause I was fat! They kept

taking me to nutritionist after nutritionists trying fix me. I kept hearing

people around me say: she is such a beautiful little girl, too bad she's

overweight. That is such a horrible thing to tell a little girl.

I just want to be ACCEPTED, overweight or thin. To feel like I deserved things.

Since I couldn't get them I stole them.

I realize this is the reason I rebelled against my mother. I was so mad at her

for wanting to change me. My sister was thin, so I hated their relationship. It

was like she deserved better things but not me. I was always going to

psychologists, and now I understand what was wrong. I wanted to be accepted for

who I was. I understand my parents wanted to help me, but I now understand they

went about it the wrong way. If you have kids, friends out there, don't make

their weight the center of their little worlds.

I now have a good relationship with my mom, but the chocolate eating habits are

there. Any ideas on how else to get the gift of acceptance? of deserving good

things other than chocolate?

Any insight would really be appreciated.

Thank you all.

MB

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