Feeling down and out

[Guest guest]

I bought the book in January and trying to do each week justice and now only on

week 3. I started having issues with food when I got to college and gained 20

pounds the first three months. Ever since then I tried to restrict food but

ended up binging. It's just so hard and hard to explain to others and even

myself. I am trying right now not to beat myself up and so much and didn't

realize how much I did. I was doing pretty well and letting myself eat what I

wanted and try to get back to a healthy relationship with food but then I caught

a glimpse of myself in the mirror last night and it went down hill from there.

I am in a tough spot right now. Due to budget cuts I lost my teaching job last

year so I decided to make an adventure out of it and I took a job teaching in

Kuwait. I really hate it here but have to fulfill my two year contract in order

to go somewhere else. Food gives me the distraction and comfort to survive this

place it seems. As summer nears I am am getting anxious about going back home to

see friends being heavier than I have ever been. But I also know I can't

continue on like this and need to learn to love myself. There is such a battle

that goes on in my head and I don't know how to make it stop or quite the noise.

I feel my clothes getting tighter and it's a daily reminder of how unhappy I am

or a constant reminder of how out of control I feel and when I feel my new rolls

it leads into more self beating up. I too also do self-sabatoge and have a hard

time finding what it is I am so scared of. I think too I get overwhelmed and

just start to shut down and feel numb and then it's hard to do the work. or I

start over thinking it and go off on another tangent. I am trying to follow the

book and do it and hoping i am doing it correctly and it works, but not sure I

am? I also joined this group a while ago and did not post and was a bit scared

too, maybe afraid to actually hold myself accountable and fail at something in

front of others. I am just tired too, tired of thinking of it, tired of dealing

with it and just makes me feel down and I don't want to feel that way anymore.

I want to like myself, no, LOVE myself a be happy with me.