Guest guest Posted September 5, 2000 Report Share Posted September 5, 2000 is in a special ed. preschool. They give stamps at > the end of the day if you've had a good She got 6 out of 7 stamps yesterday and had a meltdown that lasted about an hour. She kept screaming " I didn't have a good day, I > didn't get 7 stamps. " I'm not sure how to handle this. How do you > handle kids who melt down if they don't get a perfect score? Thanks > for your advice. > > Hi , Unfortunately, allergies don't respond to the exposure model. (Wish they did, as I sit here all clogged up and wheezy from our ragweed peak here in NY). Trying to protect from the disappointment will reinforce her perfectionism. The meltdowns often drive parents and teachers to cave in, because they are so aversive. Then you begin to walk on eggshells to anticipate, predict, avert any and all possible triggers to a meltdown, until that becomes an obsession of sorts too. You did not mention how old is, but I would suggest a combination of exposure and cognitive strategies: The exposure part involves being " honest " and letting her get only as many stamps as she earned for her behavior, and helping her learn how to cope with the disappointment. Learning this will only become harder as she gets older. Also, purposefully setting lower expectations, and getting things wrong, as others mentioned, is a form of exposure. How to cope: As a parent, you remain calm and matter of fact, reinforcing the idea that it's ok just as it is ( " It's no biggie...), without turning it into reassurance, which is sometimes a fine line. Avoid giving her messages that reinforce the need for perfection, instead reinforce the idea that lack of perfection is ideal. I second some of Kathy Hammes ideas reg. this. If she is old enough for cognitive strategies, I suggest perspective-taking ( " In the BIG PICTURE " ) exercises, presented only when she is calm and amenable to reason, not in the midst of the maelstrom. Your CBT therapist can help you design this exercise to suit 's needs, but the gist of it is to help kids figure out--by asking them a series of questions that lead them to the right answers-- SO WHAT if you got only 6/7 stamps? what's the worst that can happen? Ok, so what, what does that mean? What's so bad about that? What can you do if that happens? In the big scheme of things, NOTHING is any different if you missed one stamp, and it's hardly the end of the world. Hope this helps, keep us posted. Take care, Aureen Wagner, Ph.D. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 18, 2001 Report Share Posted February 18, 2001 " perfect is the enemy of good " sounds wonderful-- BUT that is applying to logical thought and OCD is not logical. , my very unique child, had a very unique OCD ritual. Every time she heard the word 'perfect' she had to say 'not perfect' six times. This was actually her very worst symptom for a long time, since once the kids in the school learned of this, they would gang up on her, saying 'perfect' over and over again, and she could not keep up with her six 'not perfects', and ended up raging in the hallways and cafeteria. Oh, where did this one come from? When she was younger I made a silly joke about the 'perfect police' writing you a ticket if you tried to do things perfectly, in an attempt to ward off OCD perfectionism. The above ritual was the response. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 19, 2001 Report Share Posted February 19, 2001 HI Ellen: You were going in the right direction making the joke about the perfect police ticket and using humor to diffuse OCD. A reason this might not have worked is that at that time it was too high up on 's OCD hierarchy. Your example of the taunting using the OCD trigger reminds me of how Steve's older brother did this with him in the early days. He would say Nazis and Steve would start ritualizing. I got very mad at him and luckily it did not last too long. Take care, aloha, Kathy (h) kathyh@... At 08:52 PM 02/18/2001 EST, you wrote: > " perfect is the enemy of good " sounds wonderful-- >BUT >that is applying to logical thought and OCD is not logical. , my very >unique child, had a very unique OCD ritual. Every time she heard the word >'perfect' she had to say 'not perfect' six times. This was actually her very >worst symptom for a long time, since once the kids in the school learned of >this, they would gang up on her, saying 'perfect' over and over again, and >she could not keep up with her six 'not perfects', and ended up raging in the >hallways and cafeteria. > >Oh, where did this one come from? When she was younger I made a silly joke >about the 'perfect police' writing you a ticket if you tried to do things >perfectly, in an attempt to ward off OCD perfectionism. The above ritual was >the response. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 21, 2001 Report Share Posted February 21, 2001 Can someone tell me how to get to these groups at ? I filled in all the information but it said I wasn't a member of any groups. What am I doing wrong? Terry M Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 18, 2002 Report Share Posted April 18, 2002 Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism. Confronting your fears and allowing yourself the right to be human can, paradoxically, make you a far happier and more productive person. -- Dr. M. Burns Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 3, 2005 Report Share Posted August 3, 2005 Hi , you are " guilty " of trying to reason with OCD. OCD is just not of this world, normal rules and reason do not apply! LOL The OCD junk mail thought here is that perfection is urgently necessary and attainable, and nothing less has value or is worthwhile. This puts the kids on a no-win loop since, of course, perfection is not attainable in this world, and OCD in any case is never satisfied for long. You probably know that perfectionism, focused on all sorts of things, is a common OCD obsession. CBT/ERP can work well with this type of obsession. The simplest approach may be to " do it wrong on purpose " and then live with the results for longer and longer periods of time. In your son's case you could suggest he create art " imperfectly " on purpose, over and over until his anxiety falls around this issue. You could also display his art around the house, in his room, wherever he agrees, and he can view his " imperfection " until his anxiety falls about this. Both of these will cause much anxiety to begin with probably, but it will reduce considerably with repetition, which is the key. His joy in his art will return as his anxiety around having to do it " perfectly " falls. If he has perfectionism around other issues (grades? room arrangement? clothes? whatever), that may be the place to start if perfect artwork is jammed way at the top of his hierarchy. If you want, you could model " good enough " behavior around the house in day to day activities. Point out times that, though not perfect, a task or effort is good enough for the purpose, and will do. We parents always want our kids to do their best, but when OCD gets hold of this, it turns it into a maddeningly impossible goal. Kathy R. in Indiana ----- Original Message ----- From: " klwicklund77 " <k777thorpe@...> Hi, all, My son, 14, is doing very well on 20mg lexapro - he is calm and peaceful where before he was tense and anxious. His handwashing is under control - there are significantly fewer rules wrapped around him these days. But, I recently discovered that his problem with perfectionism and self-criticism is not really in control at all. He told me about a famous writer who's books had won fame and awards but he himself never saw his own writing as worthy - he committed suicide. So I asked my son if this author was wrong and caught up in perfectionism and it was his downfall.....then, wasn't my son's own self-criticism of his artistic ability the same thing? I asked him if he really believed that this respected author was wrong but my son is right? And, unfortunately, though he sees the connection, he only knows what he feels and what he feels is less than perfect. I want to help him with this.....but I'm not sure where to start. It's interfering with his ability to create art anymore. And, it's interfering with the intense pleasure and satisfaction that he used to get from his art. Does anyone recommend some books that I or he could read that would help us with this? Thank you so much, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 5, 2005 Report Share Posted August 5, 2005 I bought a book at the conference in San Diego called " When Perfect Isn't Good Enough " I haven't had a chance to start reading it, but it's the first book I have seen on the topic. I thought it was worth buying since both my son and my husband seem to have problems with perfectionism. I'll try to get into it and let the list know how helpful it seems. Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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